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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

the following is only an opinion.

After a very slow beginning the story breaks out with a flourish. Opening paragraphs are very weak and the sentence structure stilted almost to the point where it drags on. You need to create or draw in the reader as if he were there. If you fail here you lose your reader. A powerful intro paragraph(s) are extremely important.

Excellent dialog that tunnels the reader. Total 180 from opening paragraphs.

A few faux pas but nothing major.

1. Where are the homicide detectives?

2. If Chief doesn't have a high regard for P.I.'s why the open door?
Jack should question this..the rader does. This should be a red flag for Jack.

3. Former cops as P.I.'s should have some connections inside the force.

4. Forensics will not provide info without being an old friend (on the QT) or getting authorization.

5. Develop a hook. A closing sentence at the end of the chapter that peaks the reader into wanting to turn the page.

Other than the beginning excellently written..keep it up
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Review of Year Meridian  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.0)
Shades of Sherlock Holmes...it's about time someone picked up the banner....

Excellent writing, your words flow well.

The second, third and fourth paragraph starting with ... Now a private detective....looks like would work as an effective prologue after being fleshed out a bit.

The first paragraph ...Kai Meridian was one ... seems to be out of place..not sure where you would go with this...maybe added someplace as you flesh out your character.

The comparisons will be enevitable.... best of luck
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well written, smooth and flows well. Some minor faux pas but nothing major.

Silver trashcans? Posh neighborhood.

The tech side:

whistle blowing, not unless this is set in the 20's and 40's. In 28 + years as a LEO, I can't recall even being issued a whistle. Though I understand why you used whistle.

If you call in a BOLO (be on look out) you need to give a physical i.e. male, caucasian wearing dark pants, blue and white striped shirt, long hair etc..... and direction the perp took ...northbound on 200 block Broadway ... how is perp traveling...on foot.

Good flash story though...keep them coming.
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Review of The Enemy  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A well written piece that is smooth and transtitions logically.

My only objections are that by placing your subject as coming from a rather dismal environment; you're making a judgement on the foundation of PTSD. I know that is not what you intended but it reads that way, PTSD strikes us all regardless of what background you come from.

As a Viet Nam vet I can attest to the stress placed on returning veterans.
1. You are given almost absolute power and the toys of destruction and pretty much free to use them at will.
2. You lose sight of reality. Death is meaningless.
THEN:
1. You return home with no period for adjustment.
2. You can no longer just "frag" somebody just because...fill in the blanks.
3. You can't allow anyone to get close to you ...that fear of losing them is too painful.
4. Sometimes when you discharge...the only "real family" you have is lost...your brothers in arms....so you become lost

Forgive me for standing on my soapbox but it is a touchy subject for me.

All in all an excellent piece and you write extremely well.
5. You can't forget what you saw. Memories are killers.
6. The thought that keeps rolling in your head is: Maybe it would have been better if I died. Thats why the high suicide rate among vets.
REALITY
Unless you've been there on the front line, no one really understands. So what's left. You join VFW or AL and you sit drinking cheap drinks listening and exchanging stories of what happened with other vets until your drunk enough to forget those memories for a while.
My suggestion: Go to your nearest AL or VFW and listen to them talk and cry. What you'll find is that regardless of what war, the story is the same.
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Review of The Luckbringer  
for entry "The Han" 
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting reading with a base potential for a good story. Your writing flows well with smooth transitions.

Defiinitely enough info that opens possibilities for expanding or fleshing out into more chapters if you choose.

.....Flitter was a fitting name for the creature flowing gracefully through the quiet wood almost as if she were flying...... by definition: a darting movement, say like a Hummingbird..either reconsider name or changing this line.

You might consider a prologue i.e.........“I dreamt of him. At least, I think it is a dream. Every morning since I turned gold, I have woken with the image of a human man in my mind. He is so tall. The top of my head would go just below his knee. Hair, the color of wet sand, hangs over a worn face. Although, I don’t think he is old for a human. I don’t know why I say that, but it feels true. His eyes are pale grey, like frozen bath water, and the pain that fills them is horrible. Oh Sanny, he is so heart sick, and he needs my help.” Flitter grasped her friends hands tightly, “He needs me. I have to go”.......
Fleshing this paragraph out to whet the reader's appetite (curiosity) would make a good prologue. Also consider why the elders cast spell over Han to prevent humans from entering as a prologue...lot of choices.

Some things you might consider:

1. Where is the land of Han? i.e. Somewhere over the rainbow...
2. Old magic.... You might want to explain when, how etc.
3. The magic each type possesses.
4. What caused the elders to cast a magic spell over Han that prevented humans from entering?
5. Has ever a Han been trapped to a human etc etc.

.....The following morning would forever change her life....excellent hook.

As for too much info in first chapter...maybe; very hard to tell with fantasy genre. I would suggest reading Tolkien's Hobbitt first chapter to see how he handled his intro of his character..

All in all a very good read. Keep it up!
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Loved this piece....other than the typo of Dan rather than Ben..this is flawless. I would suggest spacing the dialog out to make for easier reading. I find myself with the tendancy to avoid pieces that aren't properly spaced which is bad thing.

But I can't say enough about this ...great writing...
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (2.5)
Pease keep in mind these are just suggestions and opinions of just another writer to do with as you choose.

The read was difficult in that the writing is stilted throughout the piece and the story, itself, a bit confusing. I think what happens is that we have this story in our mind and we write it down thinking a reader will see what we see. And we are wrong..as usual. The most difficult task in writing is rewriting.... over and over.


“You Bastard! What the hell was that!” Kevin (exclaimed.) Kevin is intensely angry, in a rage better to say ...“You Bastard! What the hell was that!” Kevin screamed...

And with that for the first time in years the cold grip of fear gripped Adam as he regarded the incensed and shaking figure that stood before him. Very stilted ...your words do not flow smoothly..
Rather:: Fear gripped Adam as he stared at the raging figure before him.

“I didn’t do anything Kev, now calm down!”
“I didn’t do anything Kev." Adam pleaded as he backed away from his friend.

Remember you are trying to paint a picture for the reader so you must choose your words carefully. The words you choose should match the action and emotions of your character.

....“Oh shut up Adam, .... Angry guys do not say Oh shut up... rather .. shut the f..k up a..hole! I saw here… and you…” or ...I saw...here...and you..."

Kevin lowered his head seemingly unable to carry on. What are you saying here? Kevin lowered his head, his anger seething.....

Idiot! Adam scolded himself mentally for being so careless;..... Scolded himself?...Adam is shaking in his boots... he's scared s***less....he's about to get his butt kicked...

it was not as if he regretted it so much he was just angry that Kevin has pried.
Let's see... Kevin, your best friend, busted you nailing his girl and you're angry that he found you out...doesn't fit.

...Clothes flapping ominously.....How do clothes flap ominously?
...Uncertainly Adam stepped back ....Uncertainly?
Again, choice of wording needs to fit the picture you are trying to paint for the reader.

You can write, there is no doubt about that. And as with any skill you need to develop it so keep on writing!
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Review of Summit Boys  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well written piece. The read was easy, smooth and flowed well.

Would suggest rewriting the opening paragraph to strenghten it so it'll grab the reader's attention.

On the tech side, homicide never touches anything until it has been photographed and documented, and then only while wearing latex gloves, least you take the chance of contaminating the evidence.

Very good read though. Keep it up.
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Review of The Alley  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very good concept for a story...what is on the other side? Opens itself for a number of possibilities..a little play here...

Keep in mind that what follows are just suggestions and points of view of another writer and just that; nothing more.

The writing is a bit stilted in some areasand needs to be reworked to make the read flow. i.e. you wrote..".Every day, Michael walked past the alleyway twice. On his way to work, it was just a harmless space between buildingsEvery day, " ... which reads; Every day,.... Michael walked past the alleyway twice...... On his way to work,...... it was just a harmless space between buildings.

Rather: The alleyway was just a harmless space between buildings that Michael passed each day as he walked to work and home. There was nothing special about this alleyway, a few wilted flowers mixed with weeds growing from cracks in the asphalt, the usual dust, dirt, and debris long forgotten, windows, some broken, still glittered in the sunlight as he passed. But it was at night, as he passed going home, that the alleyway took on a different persona.......

The opening paragraph is weak and needs to be stronger to make the reader continue reading. I would think that the alleyway needs to be painted in a more mysterious fashion, otherwise why would Michael venture into just another "mundane" alleyway? Much live a movie where the camera shoots in wide angle shot giving the viewer a large view of where the protagonist is looking towards before it pans in for the closeup and more details, you need to paint a picture to draw the reader in.... again the question is: What makes this alleyway different? This opening paragraph describes any alleyway we'd pass in anywhere USA.

One night, As Michael passed the alleyway on his way home, something caught the corner of his eye and he quickly turned to see, or thought he saw, someone enter a doorway; the doorway with the small, partially lit arrow. Michael had passed this alleyway a thousand times or more in the few years that he lived in Bubbleup and this was the first time he had ever seen anyone in the alley. His curiosity getting the best of him, Michael walked down the alleyway and knocked on the door. There was no answer so Michael knocked again; still no answer......

The difficulty in establishing what is behind the door is what happens to the people who never exit or do they? Michael's lawyer is Brenda. Has Brenda been behind that door before? Will Michael make a point of seeing her the next day at her office? Will Brenda be at her office? Is Brenda and Michael's wife friends, if so, has Michael's wife been behind the door? Is there anything different that Michael notices about Brenda, his wife, or another person or persons that he knows that have gone through the door?

If any reader wants to know what's behind the door, they need to buy the book......

I suggest that you save whats behind the door for the last chapter...take your time and build your scenes so that they draw the reader in, this is important when you want to create an atmosphere of mystery...i.e. Strange, he thought, that the low swirly mist seemed to end at the entrance of the alleyway and the shadows of the building seem to move or was it his imagination.

Definitely a good concept for a novel. Keep writing.
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Review of Cowgirl  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very well written piece that flows smoothly.

My one suggestion is to: Always do research before you write a piece.

7-11's usually have mirrors located where from any location you can see down the aisles. (Love their slurpys) Patrol officers would know this

Contrary to what they show in the movies and T.V. police work is 90% boredom and 10% poop in your pants....this story is the 10% catagory...

Training teaches you not to fire your weapon blindly...your never fire unless you can identfy your target...

In this type of situation, you are battling to control your own fears...your training kicks into automatic...safety off etc...tactical procedures... you call for backup...inform them that shots fired.. decision to enter...being a cowboy...the risk of innocent bystanders being injured or killed...possible hostage situation....

First rule is to assess the situation...visually scan outside...second perp? how many vehicles? how many possible patrons etc.

Your mind doesn't wander...you're intently focused almost tunnel visioned, your hearts pounding so hard you think everyone can hear it, you're not aware if it's warm or cold of if there are any breezes at all. Your eyes dart around trying to take anything in, any movement, you try to hear everything and you hate the fact that the loudest thing you hear is your heart.

The aftermath, your adrenalin is pumping so hard you can barely talk, sometimes your body and your voice will shake uncontrollably...that's when you realize you're not Harry Callahan.

But you're an excellent writer
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Review of A thought  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This works well as a prologue..some tightenng up can be done on rewrite but a good piece none the less.
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Review of Automat  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this piece, within a few words you tugged at my heart, I could feel the pain...and that's great writing.. A few faux pas but nothing major.

The illuminated lights were flickering; they drove her crazy . LIghts always illuminate (at least when they're on ;)
and the radiator made creaky noises ever so suddenly. Casey jumped when the radiatior creaked, I guess some things never change.
The days slowly went by like clouds moving in for a huge storm. The days drifted slowly by; dark days like clouds rolling in before a huge storm.

Excellent, excellent, excellent...keep it up.
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
As with all reviews, this is just a humble opinion of another writer and this writer hopes the suggestions given are taken as such; just suggestions.

Your ability to write shows and as every writer knows, we need to organize our thoughts; i.e. prepare an outline or story plot. Develop your protagonist. Your story should logically lead your reader (worst thing that can happen is the reader has to keep jumping back and forth to understand what's going on in the story).

These chapters have enough information that can be expanded into a number of more chapters. Consider fleshing out your story. I.e. The hospital scene with Andrew and his mother; this could be one chapter on it's own. The same with Adam (your ghost cop) how he became a cop, how he met Angela. Develop a prologue i.e. .... Here he comes just like clockwork. He watches the patrol car pull into the Quik-Stop and follows Officer Adam Dace into the store; careful to avoid being spotted by the officer, he ducks into the men's room and leaves the door slightly ajar so he could watch the patrolman's movements. After officer Dace leaves, he waits a moment before exiting the store. He stands by the store's doorway and watches the patrol car's lights recede into the darkness then quickly jumps into his blue pickup and follows the fading lights into the darkness. Not yet, he thinks, not yet...but soon.

My opinion would be for you to review your chapters and try to develop a smoother flow for your story...develop some suspense... i.e. Is Andrew dying? Will Andrew ever come face to face with the ghost cop? Who is really the ghost cop? You have lots of opportunities to expand and to keep your reader in suspense.

Don't give the reader the whole story in one or two chapters...if you do this why would the reader want to continue reading? As I said before, you want to peak the reader's imagination, you want your reader to keep on turning pages.

I say this alot but it's true; reader's are techies... do your research i.e., proper police and hopital procedures...emergency room and doctor protocal. Readers identify alot with familiar locations, Denny's, 7-11s, Circle K's etc...no harm in dropping a few names here and there especially f you're trying to establish your story in an area you're familiar with...


The hardest part for any writer is the constant review and rewriting of their own work. After a while you get sick of the story but it's an neccessary evil. When you reread your work, always look for ways to make it read smoothly. Most often, I tell people to write like you talk.. believe it or not we don't speak the English language following all the rules of grammar; we speak in incomplete or run-on sentences, we throw in a lot of jargon and a few expletives (but not when Mom's around) etc.

As I said before, in these two chapters you are making the reader jump around too much (makes it hard for a reader to read the story...not a good thing) and are give way too much info too soon (Pretty much gave away the whole plot so why bother to read the rest?)

Some minor faux pas but nothing you can't correct during rewrite. ....

An example: you wrote....She stood next to the pool table. As her first time, she accompanied her best friend, Sandy. Sandy spends most of her time at the bar with these guys for several months, now. She repeats several stories about this place including nights where they did acts on the tables and fights broke out. Sandy made everyone of them sound fun since something always happened

Here I took your piece and expanded it with a few details to bring the reader into the story....

Sandy, her best friend since grade school finally talked her into going to the Ten-Fifty, a local cop bar. Sandy's boyfriend was a cop and the Ten-Fifty was always a jumpin' place on friday nights; and tonight would be no different Sandy promised. Angela stood next to the pool table watching Sandy's boyfriend and another officer shoot nine ball for beers. It was as Sandy promised; a few fights broke out but were always finished amicably, after all they were all police officers. And the tabletop dance by one of the local groupies, as Sandy called them, well, the dance left little to the imagination and when this groupie finished, she left little to the imagination too. It was then that Sandy tapped her on her shoulder; when she turned around, she was face to face with the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen; they were deep green with specks of hazel and just a flicker of mischief.
"Angela, this is the guy I was telling you about."
"Adam, I would like you to meet my best friend, Angela."

I hope this example helps...Good luck
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Review of Strange Tree  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very good story and has that element of mystery in the beginning. If you were to make this into a novel or novellet, I would suggest not utilizing the last two paragraphs until much later into the piece.

I read your bio so I find it difficult to indicate to you that the peice needs to be worked on to make the reading of the story smoother. But reworking or rewriting the piece will improve on the reading flow.

i.e.... After working for more than forty years, when Mr. Wood retired, he decided to have a rest... Mr Woods retired after forty years and pursued his dream of a home away from the hustle and bustle of the city. After a few short weeks, Mr Wood found his dream home and more.....

You have an abundance of opportunity here to expand this story... Please continue to develop your story as it is a very good one.
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Review of Millys Place  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent story written extremely well...smooth, flowing and entertaining. I enjoyed this very much...Thank you
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Review of "Oak Orchard"  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (4.5)
The story is building well, you're giving insight to our hero which is good for the reader (you know readers, nosy as all get out...they want to know everything).

The story is interesting and has me intrigued, I see a few glitches but nothing you won't catch on a reread. The glitches I see are areas that can be improved in a way that would make them read smoother; basically some rephrasing.

It's a darn good story here and I love your hook.
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This piece kept my attention... Well written with a few glitches that I suggest you change. i.e. ...Just me and my music, and my bags of drugs....Rather: Just me, my music, and my bag of drugs.

I would use the following as a prologue...I was ten years old when my father looked down upon me, saying, “She died.” I never knew how to handle my mother’s death. I tried everything – from mourning at her grave and praying to her, to vandalism and drugs. Nothing seemed to help – if anything, the drugs helped more than the rest of them. I did them for a while, just by myself. Just me and my music, and my bags of drugs. Nobody knew until one day, there was a knock on the door.
“Shannon, open up!” I didn’t recognize the voice at first. s***, I thought. I was high. I continued to do my drugs, and ignored the intense knocking, that was practically shaking my entire apartment. “Shannon!” I stood up from the couch, wobbled a little bit, and attempted to walk in a straight line. I opened the door. My pupils were completely dilated and my cheeks were flushed. “Yes?” I mumbled, barely keeping my head up and my eyes open. I wanted to go to get lunch,” the unknown figure seemed to scream at me. “I’ve been knocking on your door for five minutes. But I knew you were home – your eyes. Are you okay?” I saw a dark apparition zoom past the person at my door. My back erected, and my eyes grew larger. This caught my attention. “What was that!”

I like what I see and you tell a good story. I would also suggest rewriting to tighten up some areas but keep your smooth flow going.
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Review of At Any Cost Pt. 2  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Here you falter in your conclusions. All main characters have guilt trips? I think not and not very believable. This leads to too many threads hanging. Why not Dunn wanting Hemming dead because he was still madly in love with his wife and what was Dunn's background, maybe former Marine sniper? etc. Derrick just a bad cop...why not? Not unheard of...
Mark always wanting to live beyond his means makes him more of a person open to becoming a bad cop. Senator remorseful because he killed his best friend .. possible but not probable...better he committed suicide because they were closing in on him and he knew it.

Majority of detectives are sergeants not lieutenants.

A lot of opportunity that is left dangling, better to have your detectives developing clues that point to certain individuals...readers are armchair detectives, they want to develop their own clues that you've left behind.

Keep in mind that I think both sections are well written, I just feel that there are too many glitches that need to be tightned up.
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Review of At Any Cost Pt. 1  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting piece and well written, I particularly enjoyed the way you interwove the story, in this case, it worked in that the chapters were short enough that you didn't confuse the reader.
The prologue was a good piece but I would suggest adding little more to whet the appetite of the reader..just a suggestion.

I kept being thrown off by the constant referrals to labels...they are good in certain places but not every scene. On high end products, I would suggest doing a little research on the subject... i.e. Saville Row, Burberry are elitist products, then you drop down to Neiman Marcus, Brooks Brothers, Armini etc.. Most high profile political figures have their wardrobes tailor made from their tippy toes on up.

The story kept me interested as it flowed well.

As a retired one, I had an unmarked car assigned to me and my partner, we would switch who drove it weekly. Our personal vehicles were equipted with christmas trees and radios, but we only used them when we were off duty.

As an officer, If you are present or witness to a crime, you cannot leave the scene ...chain of evidence violation.

Other than that a very good piece.
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Review of Nightmare #1  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Your writing shows you have potential; now the trick is to channel it correctly. You have chosen to write a piece intended to instill fear in the reader (as in goosebumps, creepy feelings as they read along). Unfortunately, this does not happen. Why? You need to bring the reader into the picture and you do that with painting (with words) an image of what these two detectives (I assume) see.

This the first night of the town's annual horror festival. They couldn't have picked a better night. A low, curling fog rolled in from the river that added to the already dim, moonless night. Celebrants dressed in macabe period costumes paraded down the damp, shrouded, streets when I spotted her. Somehow, she stood out from the crowd or was it because I sensed that she was returning my stare. Her smile was more like an evil grin that chased a chill up my spine; that I know something you don't grin that ....

Build suspense by bringing your readers into the story...in films, the camera always begins with a wide angle shot, a dark, forboding area, then a closeup that focuses on the character...you need to do the same..

good luck
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Review of Paper World.  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now this I understand. Being able to say so much in so few words is a gift.
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (5.0)
Again I am out of my element... I tend to look at poems as pieces of work designed to be thought provoking...Then I tend to read them over and over again, but like a painting, the beauty of the work is in the eye of the beholder.

Some pieces of work inspire me and some are just plainly over my head.
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Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (5.0)
I guess you could call this choices. I'm not much on poetry...I always think of Shakespeares iambic pentameter. I know there's free verse et al, but basically shy away from poetry. Rudyard Kipling's line in Gunga Din expresses my viewpoint ... To the person who writes poetry well..."...you're a better man than I..."
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Review of Birds and Bombs  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: E | (3.5)
Writing is smooth, flows well, no problems there.
Would suggest research on subject...
You are: "Walking point."
Sargeants do not like to be called sir...they work for a living. (common phrase)
Nam, no woods, jungle, stifling heat, mosquitos the size of small birds, snakes called one step,(they bite you , you take one step then you're dead)
Nam, in country, VC victor charlie, charlie .... Tobane was in (in country) Vietnam for three months now..Tobane was in country three months now..
His officers said he had a problem with authority.... They said he had a problem with authority, he said he didn't want to go home in a body bag.
As Derek stepped down a small twig snapped and all birds grew silent.... Derek stepped on a large, dry branch that cracked loudly; the squad froze, eyes swept the surrounding jungle; weapons flew into the ready... a tense moment. The sarge motioned the squad down, one man to each flank; then he walked up to Derek.
In three months of combat, you don't continue to make "cherry (what newbies are called.) mistakes. Walking point means first one shot,; steps on a bouncing betty; steps into a punji trap etc. unless you tread very carefully, you end up bagged and tagged.
Research makes your story believable...talk to some vets..a little hard as no one likes to talk about the war even forty years later but take a chance.
Some things to keep in mind...VC tracers are green, ours were red. We had river rats and tunnel rats. Lrrp long range recon patrol. OP's out posts. LP's listening posts (two man) We called them clicks(kilometers) not miles, 12 clicks east etc. When you first land in country you're afrain=d of getting killed, at about the middle of your tour, you could care less, towards the end of your tour you're scared of getting killed again. Going home (real world).

You write well and it shows...to make you reader believe, you need to be tech proficient.
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Review of No Hero  
Review by Anderson Dana
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Actually a very good piece... some editing is in order to tighten the writing up a bit, but all in all, the story flows well and is very smooth.

A weak beginning here...you want to make you reader feel the intensity of your character.

It all got worse Monday morning when he awoke from the terrible nightmare. This nightmare had begun to haunt him a week ago. James Patterson had not been able to get much more than three hours of sleep a night since he had witnessed the horrid event. James Patterson had been witness to a grizzly murder. He had been somewhere he shouldn't have been at the worst possible time

James Patterson woke with a start; his body drenched in sweat. He hadn't been able to sleep well since that night. He had been at the wrong place at the wrong time; he had witnessed a murder.
He had gone for his usual walk that night; but the night was beautiful and he walked farther than he normally did; that was his first mistake.... build tension, like a movie builds to a climax, so should the story..

Good writing though
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