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559 Public Reviews Given
648 Total Reviews Given
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I check for: *Butterflyb* How well the story is written           *Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers                    . *Butterflyo* Rating           *Butterflyr* Plot           *Butterflyv* Characterization           *Butterflyb*Dialogue           *Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters          
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reviewing stories
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Fiction, Fantasy, Detective,
I will not review...
True stories or poetry
Public Reviews
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101
101
for entry "Chapter Four" 
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of tricking a werewolf to help another using the werewolf code of honor, which actually trapping him into helping him to death in his revenge, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed how Jack felt guilt and how he tried to consume it with in himself.

         2. I think you need to hide some of the details to be figured out by the reader like (showing that Jack is using Jacob)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there were few word choice and grammar mistakes)

         3. Name the characters of the three monsters in the beginning of the story, to prevent confusion.

         4. Avoid repetition (I think you could run through repetition without going into the details like the first time you described the gay monster, in this chapter you repeat his story over again, I think it would be better if you made the narrator give a brief idea of how Jack told Jacob about it.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly but I think it would be better to move it up to GC and add more details about the rape, the murder and the violence of what will happen next in the story.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed a werewolf trapping another to help him to save his family and kill those who took them as slaves and pets, and then you showed how the werewolf’s wife was waiting for him knowing that he is still good and depending on him to save her. And then the war starts between the 3 monsters and Red Horn.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the monsters characters but I think you need to distinguish them from each other since each one of them is different that the other and that they are not the same species of monsters, then make each one of them act differently, in the way they move, walk, talk, how they move their lips, eyes, face and so on.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogue but I think it would be better to add more facial expressions and emotions along with the movements of the characters during the conversation.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think it would be better to show Jack’s thoughts about how he trapped Jacob in italics to prevent confusions.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          make the thoughts in italics, avoid repetition, hide more details to make more interesting and mysterious to the reader, show more about the personality of the characters and how they dealt with each other.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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my signature thr sea horse
102
102
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem I liked the idea of desiring love and wanting the lover to stay forever and the way you showed it helped the reader to imagine what was going on but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed the poet scared to have her lover leave her, but she asks him to take away her fear and to hold her hands so that the fear of being left alone would be gone from her heart.

2. I liked the way you showed how the poet needed someone to talk to her and share his secrets with her, the deep secrets that no one else knew. She wanted to know it so that she could keep them safe with her to be shared with her and him forever.

3. I liked the way you showed how the poet was in need for love, a love that would last forever and could be felt all days in her love life.

4. I liked the way you ended the poem with just before waking up from that lovely dream where she talks to her lover freely and tells him what she wants.

5. I think with punctuation it would be better and easier to understand.

6. I think it would be better if you showed how lonely she was before that dream where her love and decisions changes.

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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SP CHALLENGER SIG
103
103
Review of Roses in Heaven  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting poem I liked the idea of having a daughter asking God to deliver her flowers to her Mother who is in heaven and close to God and since she can't reach her own mother, she asks God to help her show her love to her Mother.

1. I liked the idea of having the poet asking God to place a bunch of roses in her Mother's arms because she is closer to God now than her.

2. I liked the idea of having the poet as a lovely daughter who loves her mother and want God himself to deliver the message or her love to her mother by kissing her and telling her that her daughter misses her and also to deliver her hug.

3. I liked the idea of having the daughter tell God what's in her heart wither about her love to her mother and how memories help to remember her and how it is easy to remember someone you love but it still hurts and hard on the heart to handle the loss of a loved one.

4. I think it would be better to describe more about that pain in the heart and how the girl feels and to be more honest and more detailed with God about that.

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

 Invalid Item 
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SP CHALLENGER SIG
104
104
Review of Room at the End  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow! A very interesting poem I liked the idea of having the poet struggling with her past and refusing to become a memory, and wants the memory become the present.

1. I liked the way you showed the effect of the memories on Icicle and how she remembered the distance of the past and how that made her feel like it as if nothing has passed and that life is still.

2. I liked the way you showed how life goes on and how time never stop yet life still gaze at the poet with the vivid memories making life moving still.

3. I liked the way you showed the memories of the poet when she was a child and how she laughed and what happened back then.

4. I liked the way you showed how the poet struggled to go back to reality but the reality were the past is present and she is determined to keep struggling and that her love still exists to fight the distance and to fight the time and back to that cold memory of hers

5. I think it would be better to show more events and actions between her and her lover and what happened to make it all a memory was it sickness or cold (this part is a bit confusing)

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Thank you
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SP CHALLENGER SIG
105
105
Review of Gazing  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem I liked the way you chose the format accompanied with the poem and how it describes the picture perfectly and make the reader feels the winter in that place.

1. I liked the way you described the winter and how everything is buried in white and deep snow, and because of the cold the warm breath appears white in the air making an imaginary scene that makes the reader understand how cold it was for the people and how they enjoyed the white warm breath as if it was clouds.

2. I liked the way you showed how the snow and the ice affected the happiness of the people and made them feel free like the as if the snow was tickling their feelings and making them happy.

3. I liked the way how snow changed the emotions and feelings and made a whole blank world that is ready for a new start and people in it are happy and enjoying their lives because of the snow and how the snow and coldness gave them hope.

4. I think it would be better to show what was before the snow and how the snow was a reason for them to be happy and fill their life with hope.

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Thank you
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SP CHALLENGER SIG
106
106
for entry "Chapter Three" 
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of revenge and how the werewolf tried to accomplish and planned for it using only his human form, and how he tried to show his wife that he still looking after her to protect her and that he loves her.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed how Jack was planning for his revenge using his friends, the new slave and the other werewolf Jacob to accomplish his plan for revenge

         2. Logic: “At this, the Kitsune sat down on the bed, and started to cry” where were they, weren’t they in the Kitsune’s saloon or business place observing the window of the mayor’s villa what brought the bed there?

         3. Show the guilt on Jack’s face and don’t tell the whole guilt thing (at the end of the story, make the reader conclude that.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few typos mistakes like “vila” should be “villa” )

         3. Jumping into two point of views that at the end lead to the main character showing up, and going back to his point of view, that was a bit confusing (I didn’t get shooting the harpy that was shot part, who is he what was he doing, jumping to his part of the story made me confused.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed how the Jack the werewolf was so focused on his love and how he tried to show her that everything is going to be fine by playing the song missing a key, then he was introduced to a Kitsune who tells him all about the city and it’s bad history with the Mayer and the driddler and how that turns out now, then he unites with one of the other werewolves because he saved his life and owes him, the other werewolf helps him in avenging his wife’s misery and her children’s who were slaves to the Mayer and his friends by now.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the characters but I think you need to add more expressions to them, to show how different they are from normal humans, how they walk talk, move their extra body parts (like, tails, point ears or whatever that is that they got.)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogues but I think it would be better to show the movements of the characters during the conversation.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         show the Jack’s guilt for killing the harpy as his thoughts and add some of his facial expressions to let the reader figure out his feelings by themselves.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          Don’t show the story from different point of views stick to just one, show more movements of the characters, and show how their extra body parts acted when they are happy, angry and so on.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
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my signature thr sea horse
107
107
Review of Lost  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way you showed how the character is sad, and how he regrets the chances he missed and how he feels lonely and that he lost hope.

1. I liked the way you made it so obvious to the reader how the poet is sad, and what his feelings are, and how he managed to describe it all in a poem with details to let the reader visualize and understand the emotional state of the poet.

2. I think it would be better if you showed the reasons of why the poet is sad and what made him go so far with sadness, what made him go to that kind of despair and lose his hope.

3. I think it would be better to show how the poet started to see sadness, not just his emotions but also how the reasons of his sadness made him reach to that kind of sadness where he can dreams are dismissed, and hope is evaporated and the poet is only feeling lonely, hearing the wails and feeling his tears on his cheeks.

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

SP CHALLENGER SIG
108
108
Review of A Day on the Farm  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having roasters competing with each other and hate each other but they pretend to be friends but when the farmer comes down and kill them one by one, the last one realize that he hadn’t enough time to enjoy being the only roaster to eat the corn, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed how the day on the farm began to the roasters and how they didn’t know what was going on until it happened to each of them and how that they don’t have the sense of time to realize that it there was no long time spent between the first roaster’s death and the others which left them some few minutes of joy.

         2. I think it would be better to show more of the story, how the roasters dealt with each other before having the farmer letting them out instead of just giving glimpses about it.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

          I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         No way killing animals, birds like chickens, roasters or anything else goes to 13+ rating.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed how the farmer started his job in killing the roasters, and leaving one to fertilize the chicken and make a use of him, and how the four roasters didn’t realize that they are going to be killed and that they are only eating to be more of a good food to humans, until the last roaster he realized it when he saw the farmer approaching him and that he was the only one left.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the characters all selfish and only taking care of themselves not caring for the others and when one of them is killed they have no fear that they might be next because they are only thinking of themselves and they are glad that they will be the only one left for the chicken and the farm (“one competitor is dead, let’s who goes next” nice policy)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogue but I think you need to show the movement of the roasters during the conversation and how they observed the farmer and each other.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think you need to show the thoughts of the characters when seeing the farmer approaching to kill them.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show thoughts, movements during the conversation, change the rating, and show more about the day from the farmer point of view and the roasters.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

SP CHALLENGER SIG
109
109
for entry "Chapter Two" 
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of a werewolf planning to get his family back together using different kind of creatures, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed how the three main characters were cooperating with each other and how each one got his own role in the werewolf plans, even when the new witch doctor was brought he made a place for him to fit in his plan (but I think this part need to be more planned I mean suddenly a witch doctor appeared the first thought should be “what am I gonna do with him?”)

         2. Show not tell the part about how the werewolf trained the witch doctor and how he gained his trust and so on.

         3. I think you do need to give description to your characters to show how they look like and how different are they from legends and what make them special in their monstrous form.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed the character’s cooperating to get jack’s family back, and that they are helping him because he is their leader, having a werewolf looking for his wife and family even after they left him, yet they get involved with a bad man who sold his kids, made his wife pregnant with his sad daughter and the werewolf still wants his family back and decided to save all of them including the bad man’s daughter just because he consider his wife’s daughter as his own.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the characters but I think it would be better to show more of their reactions, how they acted with each other (if they had a tail or anything unusual due to their nature show how they dealt with it.)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogues in your story but I think it would be better to show more facial expressions and reactions along with the movements of the character’s during the conversation. (I think you overwrote “chuckled” during the conversation I think it would be better to replace and show more of different expressions and reactions. )

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the character’s in italics to prevent confusion.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show the thoughts in italics, show not tell the slave part, show more expressions and reactions.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
110
110
Review of Rematch!  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a teenager who is so confident of himself and what he does, and then suddenly discovers that he had long way to just to make perfect the way he thinks it is, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the idea of having a teen who is into fighting and trying to write a novel or stories about it, still learning and discovering how, yet he is way in hurry to be perfect that he thinks he already got to perfectness yet he still got a long way to go.

         2. Logic: exhibition and fighting at the gym? I think this part need to be explained, what has the exhibition to do with the fighting?

          3. Logic: where were the gloves before putting them in the bag, he was suppose to be driving the beetles right? )

          4. He meant it. (should be in alone paragraph or I think it would be better to show the main characters expressions to show that he really meant it or maybe show his thoughts of how realy he meant it.)

         5. After all, who'd know how to make a fighting drama better than a real fighter? (Why would the narrator say this sarcastic question? I think it would be better to show it through Ricochit’s thoughts as a part of his pride and arrogance as a real fighter.)

         6. Logic: Nora already knew that Ricochet is in a bad mood, and can’t fight, you said described her as someone who can notice these things, yet she ignored all that and made him fight in a real fight? Did she made this because she thought he was just angry because of being babied all that time? I think this part need to be explained, why would she risk one of her best fighters along with her gym?

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few typos like “If” instead of “It” in “Ricochet took back his manuscript, dusting if off” “maim character” should be “main character” in the third part of the story)

         3. Use italics to show the song name using “ “ might confuse the reader)

         4. I think you need to explain the short cuts first before you use it like ( P.S 114?)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly (but if you need to add more details about the fights, you should go to 18+)

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed how the main character is interested in both writing and kick boxing and how he thought he was good at the two of them but then he realized his girlfriend had enough of him, and he isn’t good in either boxing or writing, but his best friend’s sister tries to get him out of the mood and since she is having a crush on him, she sits with him and try to show him that he is good but need to work harder but then he kisses her and they both hook up.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters and how you described them.

         2. I liked the way you showed Camille St. Claire sounds like bossy person, arrogant, reasonable, when she showed the mistakes of the manuscript to Ricochet and the way she told him that she wants to break up, she made it sound in a hurry even though she knew it was the wrong time yet she insisted to break up.

         3. I liked the way you showed the main character, always wise while going into a fight, but at the same time reckless, always in a hurry, not the typical type of a show off but he is, having his point of views and believes about himself suddenly made him in a shock yet he thought that that mood could help him to win a fight. But unfortunately he lost and quicklt hooked his best friend’s sister. (I think the new girlfriend is a bit overrated, have him pass sometimes to make it more acceptable to the readers.)

         3. Nathan sounds like a cook, who is eager to make everyone try his new reciepies and eat his dishes to proof to himself and others that he is a good cook and that’s why he insisted on going to the writing class to show off his book and his abilities in cooking.

         4. I liked the way you showed Keisha so persistent, can’t hide her feelings, talkative, very academic by her appearance. But I think you need to show her emotions when she knew that he broke up with his girlfriend, lost the fight and his writings were considered not that good as he thought, she should be surprised, angry by that kiss, or maybe jumping right at the chance instead of thinking that he might be playing her and that it isn’t real.

         5. Showing the teacher’s character as fast judging and easy to get angry and sarcastic when a teen refuses to listen to him, I think you need to show more understanding of the teacher and make him more patient, just let the teacher give him tips on how to make it better, show him the mistakes giving him examples of how it could be better, (maybe show him that isn’t good by reminding him of what was said in the previous lecture, instead of just teasing him by saying he got 4 stories published and that he is his teacher

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogues in this story along with the facial expressions, movements of the character allowing the reader to visualize what was going on and imagine the character’s faces.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         1. Show the wondering part about someone stealing his car in italics as the main character’s thoughts.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          fix the typos, show more about the characters, show more thoughts and don’t let the narrator speak what’s in the main character’s mind, show more logic in it.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
111
111
Review of Tradition!  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting article, I liked the idea of having lots of traditions in church that we don’t know it’s origins or why we do it but we still do it, but I think there are few things you can do to make this article better.

1. I think you need to add more to the introduction to show that it’s not just traditions but also people’s behavior to keep it, and the resistance found when others asks them to change it.

2. I liked the way you showed the reasons of facing the back of the church, and how it meant something in the old days but now it doesn’t, yet people still do it and refuse to change it.

3. I think it would be better to show more traditions, in more than one church, show why and what is the reason of the research, and then compare if the traditions just go for church or everything else, try to find a proof of why people still do it, if it became meaningless these days.

Overall it is a great Article, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your Article.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

SP CHALLENGER SIG
112
112
for entry "Chapter One" 
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a werewolf looking for his wife with his friends, but still it think there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed how the main characters are monsters from different places around the planet who are now friends due to their forms and situations, and how they thought of their best interest no matter what happens.

         2. Logic:since when do monsters care if one of them is gay or not, (you mentioned that they considered it a sin, come on they are monsters who kill people, they shouldn’t have the sin concept.)

         3. I think you need to show the emotions and feelings of jack and how he became a non human eater werewolf, because to me that paragraph where he talks about it only states that he did it because his wife left him (did he had hope that his wife will return to him again if he stopped eating humans?)

         4. I think you need to explain more about how a werewolf could control his nature (the legend says that during a full moon a werewolf changes to his wolf form, and has no control on his temper, so if in your story you are going to change that then I think you need to explain how that could happen and show the nature of the werewolf with this new concept.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it


         2. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes, make sure that you don’t mix up tenses, and always use the past tense.)

         3. Name your characters to make it easier for the readers to follow. Instead of using their monster shapes.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the way you showed a werewolf on a mission to find his family and bring them back to his life, because he still loves them and he uses the help of his two friends to do it. At first he thought that he would be a good werewolf and only use his human form to get back to his wife and make her forgive him but when he knew that she got married to another, and that monster took his kids and sold them and made them slaves and treated his wife in a bad manner he just decided to avenge what happned to his family.

         2. I think it would be better to show more details about the monsters’ background and the place they live in.

         3. The part about saving the woman who told him about where to find his wife wasn’t clear, when and where did the saving take place? (I think you just need to add more details to that part of the story.)

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the characters in their manner and how they acted when they are angry but I think you need to add more about how they move, talk and walk. (the accents aren’t enough)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the conversations and the facial expressions, along with the movements of the characters during the conversation.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         show the thoughts of the character, the anger that the werewolf felt when he knew that his wife is in a bad condition and his kids are slaves, show the revenge thoughts, and how that would affect his promise to his wife, and his thoughts at that moment. (show thoughts in italics.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show more details of the story, explain the difference of this story and the real legends, Edit the story, show the thoughts of the characters, show more about the personalities in the story and how they moved, talked in their monstrous forms.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
113
113
Review of Ring Master Guide  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a ring master that is training phantom animals, collecting payments and souls.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described the woman at the beginning and her surroundings and then moving on along the story from her perspective and showing how she collected the souls and payments and made her part of the show or deal.

         2. I think you need to differentiate between the show part, the ghost part, and the real part, you can divide your scenes by *** or you can just show some italics.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few spelling mistakes like “payed” and “to to” )

         3. in your story u refer to the woman who got the animals trained as a “ring master” to prevent confusion I think you should give her a name and you should call her “ring mistress”

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I like the way you showed the scene at the beginning with the surroundings surrounding the woman and the atmosphere of the “circus graveyard” till she reaches the seven cages that are waiting for only her to command, and they follow her and her orders like a well trained animals, then she goes to this Spanish village to perform her show, then she stopped to pick up some soul collections that fits the show, then she meets up a young girl who made an agreement before and the ring master had came to collect the payment then once the payment is made, the ring master moves along to collect the other souls.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I think you need to show more about the “ring master” how she deals with things, tell more about her background and the stories of the souls she came to collect.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think you need to set each line of each character alone to prevent confusion, and to show the facial expressions and feelings along with in the conversations and also show the movements of the characters while talking.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I liked the way you showed the thoughts of the character but I think you need to make in italics to prevent confusion.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          differenciate between the show, reality and phantoms, show more about the characters, make the dialogues in separate lines, show more details and background about the story and the characters.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1696124 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
114
114
Review of Winter Crimson  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having the main character going to the beach in winter to catch the moment for himself and go to watch the sunset and try to keep the portrait of the reddish rainbow when the sun goes down to himself.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described the sunset and how the view was extremely adorable and the way the main character wanted to keep the moment for himself in the bottle or box.

         2. I think it would be better to show why the main character went there to an empty beach in winter, was he planning to catch the sunset, if so then why, show more of the main’s character’s background.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

         I think you just need to name your character to make it more interesting and easier to follow.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed the main character going to the beach in winter and tried to enjoy the moment of being alone with the water, sky and sun, and enjoy the view of the sun going down into the water he tried to keep the view to himself so he used a bottle or a box to do that and keep the view as a portrait with him (I didn’t get the idea of how he could do that, so I think it need to be more elaborated.)


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the romance in the main character’s personality, how he kept the moment of the rainbow and sunset with him and made it is moment that nobody can take from him.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I liked the way you showed the thoughts of the character while seeing this view but I think it would be better to show the thoughts in italics to prevent confusions.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show more about the background of the main character, show how did he kept the moment as a portrait in a bottle or box, give more details about his actions, not just what he was seeing, show the thoughts in italics.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1696124 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
115
115
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a woman hiding in the shadows and candle light trying to listen to the songs of a drunk man playing his guitar and trying to feel the life again even though she was somehow a ghost.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described the woman and the surroundings and howher face looked like and how that affected the perception of people towards her.

         2. I liked the way you described the candy skulls she holds and how she decievided people into thinking that these were candies though they were the names and a symbol for the skulls of the people she came to collect.

         3. I think it would be better to name your characters to let the reader understand who is she and what was she doing and why was she affected by the man playing the guitar.

         4. I think it would be better to show more about the woman and show how she dealt with people maybe through a situation or two, or maybe show how invisible she was to them but not them to her.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

          I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating of this story should go to 13+ since the content contains “skulls” and “souls to be collected”

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the way you showed a Halloween day with a woman who is disguised between humans, with similar custom to Halloween except that she is there to collect souls and she deceived the kids and the rest of the people with the skull candy that have the names of her victims on the candies forehead, and then she listened to a drinking man playing his guitar and tried to make up the words she wanted to listen to from the guitar’s music, then she realizes that she doesn’t belong to the world of the living and her time is running out.

         2. I think you need to show the background of the woman and how she got back to the world of the living? What was so special about the guitar, the music and the man to distract her or make her wander about the words and go along with it?


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the characters of this story, how the woman was perfectly disguised and came to the world of the living to do her job, but due to her love to music and the affect of that man on her she forgot and realized that her time on the world of theliving is running out and that she no more belong there.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to add conversations between that woman and the man or the kids making up a situation to show more about her character if she was seen or not, what is going on with her? Show it through the conversations with the rest of the characters to show how did she interacted with them.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I liked the way you showed the way she tried to make up the words of the song or the music she wanted to hear in italics making it appear as her thoughts, but I think it would be better to show more thoughts about her feelings of being a ghost or dead and she has no longer time.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show more details, show more about the characters, give names to the characters. (I think it would be better to add a ghost or faint background to the picture you added to the story giving it the surrounding of the character during that time and space.)

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1696124 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
116
116
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting poem I liked the idea of having a woman of sugar skull in her hand, wearing a lovely vintage flamenco dress, the marks and designs on her face makes her special and somehow making her face making it seem familiar to the poet, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed how the poet studied her face and her surroundings, same for her movements and what was she was holding it sounded like he was haunting her and wanted to make use of everything he sees in her to observe her and wish that he would see her again, in the same month, same place but different year.

2. I think it would be better to show more about the poet and what grabbed his attention to this woman other than the markings in her face, and show the wonders he had about having such a woman instead of just observing her and wishing to see her.

3. trick or treat in November and four o'clock? What’s the point of having a Halloween character at that time of the year and didn't that trigger the curiosity of the poet?

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1696124 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
117
117
Review of The Triangle  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow!A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having two brother robbing several banks and experienced in that kind of job, yet they are fooled by an employee who they thought that he was on their side.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described the brothers and how they used to follow their plan to rob the banks and what kind of banks they choose to rob.

          2. I think it would be better to show the past robberies in the past as a flashback, or show the pride of the two brother’s through it and how they became sloppy when they dealt with their last bank employee and this is why they got caught.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

          I think you need to clarify some adjectives you used in the introduction and that is murderous (you mentioned that they robbed banks but you didn’t mention that they killed someone to make their job successful or did they kill their insider after they were done with him? If so then I think you should mention it in telling their past robberies and how they dealt with the police and their insiders.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly but if you take out the murderous part in the introduction then it should go to ASR rating.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the way you showed how the brothers used to rob the banks using someone from inside the bank, by deceiving him/her and making him/her think that they are going to have part of the money but then they leave them to deal with the police alone, but then in their last bank robbery they chose the wrong employee who used the silent alarm and settled down for the police reward instead of helping them and getting nothing.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1.I liked the way you showed the two brothers as very clever and deceiving and full of pride.

         2. I liked the way you showed the employee Jack as someone who is able to pretend and deceive people and intelligent that he was able to deceive the two brothers, deliever them to the police, saving the bank and getting the reward without losing his job.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think you need to show dialogues between the two brothers and Jack over the phone and while they were inside the bank, show how they reacted, show their facial expressions, emotions, and movements during the conversation. (instead of just showing that they forced Jack in front of the camera and describing their moves, also describe more about their signals and how they reacted in front of the camera and how they pretended to have Jack as a puppet who was forced to do everything for them. )

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think you need to show the thoughts of Jack and how he thought of the silent alarm, the doubts he had, and how he figured out that the brothers were just using him and that he won’t get anything out of them if he did what they asked for. (show the thoughts in italics.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show how were they murderers, explain more about their past robberies and how they became full of pride that they became sloppy in their last bank robbery, show the conversation and how they convinced their insider and show the thoughts of the insider and how he knew that it was a prank and they would leave him with nothing.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

SP CHALLENGER SIG
118
118
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having werewolf threatening a man and running after him, to go back in time and meet another werewolf who knew the meaning of how to be a human and what that means, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed the beginning of the story and how the man was trying to get away for his live, and running from a werewolf.

          2. I think you should add more action in the beginning like how did he meet the werewolf and where was he and what was he doing when the werewolf chased him.

          3. I think you need to show that part of going to the past and meeting the old werewolf in the 1800s in italics and give it an introduction to show that Richard the main character was going back in time to give a smile to the picture and the journal to the past (maybe show that part in italics, change the scenes.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

          2. Edit it (there were few grammar mistakes, make sure that all the tenses are in the past tense, and “at the moment” I think you just need to show it in the past not right now.)

         3. in the end you showed that the story wasn’t just told by the man who saved Richard but that Richard went to the story in the word’s of the man and changed some things in the past, like the picture in the future and the journal that was found and turned to be Richard’s notebook, I think this part need to be more explained to show how did his notebook got into the past and how did the picture change, and why?

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating of this story should go to 13+, but if you would like to add more content that fits the 18+ then you should keep it as it is.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the way you showed a man running for his life from a werewolf, and a stranger saves him, the stranger asks him if he want to return the favor by listening to him telling a story of a werewolf who happened to be his great, great grand father, but the story somehow turns real and Richard goes back in time and his notebook get taken from him from that werewolf and back to the future to see that the werewolf picture has changed into a happier one and that Richard’s notebook, became the journal of that werewolf.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed Richard character, as someone normal trying to save his life by running away from an evil werewolf, and when saved by a stranger he tries to return the favor.

          2. Showing the stranger to be a story teller who can make his words send you back in time to change some things, but I think you need to show his character more persistent and wanting more to tell more stories to show that lots of people has went to the story’s place and time while he was telling it.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         I liked the way you showed the dialogues in your story, but I think you need to show more action, facial expressions and movements of the characters during the conversations.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think you need to add Richard’s thoughts while writing in his notebook, and after it was taken from him, and after finding out that it became that werewolf’s journal make the thoughts in italics.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show the difference between telling the story, and actually being there in the time of the story, show more thoughts, show more expressions and fear and describe how did the werewolf look like and how did that affect Richard and the man who saved him.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
119
119
Review of Be Good Anyway  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting article I like the way you showed how to to be good and raise your kid to be good, and show that good morals and being good would be having a good chance for a better life, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. proofread it

2. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes like tenses mistake make sure that u always use the past tense, “ I believe that like attracts like” I think it should be “I believe alike attract)

3. Don’t explain what you mean in ( ) like “and not only refraining from doing what you want in situations like these (which we all know isn’t usually the nicest act in the world)” just go with it without the () blend it in with the article.

4. “If my child ends up not going to college or receiving any vocational training and working at a minimum wage job his whole life; if he’s ugly, stupid and socially awkward, but he’s a good person with morals who gives life his best shot - I will be content.” I think in this part you need “on the other hand” instead of the ;

5. You showed how to be good and how to treat people good in examples and so on, but only gave a glimpse that even if you are good the world won’t be nice, using quotes and so on, but I think you need to set an example for it.

6. Being good and helping others they are two different things but you showed them work together in your examples, I think you need to show the morals that you would like to teach your kid, everyone wants their kids to be good, but still they want to teach him how to be strong, proud, confident, not just doing the right thing, or else he might turn out good enough to be considered naïve, or treated badly by others or bullies in school, (so be good but learn how to consume the anger of people around you so that you can get yourself out of trouble.)
7. As for the example of opening the doors to people, I didn’t know whether you meant that as in a way of helping people by giving them a chance or really opening the door to the manager’s office or anyone’s else’s office (maybe because in some places there are people who’s work is just to open doors to people.

8. I think you should show how to be good and expect nothing in return would be better than just be good, but you need to define how good I mean to what extent.

Overall it is a very good article, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep writing.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your article.

 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
120
120
Review of Foggy Morning  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem I liked the idea of having a memory of the poet's professor that is related with the surroundings and his good deeds, and how he affected the poet's life, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed the fog and the morning and how you explained the weather related to the date of mid march 2004 and how that had a big rule in the poem and the memory of the poet's professor.

2. I think you need to make a stronger connection between the first stanza and the rest, (I didn't get the girl's role in the poem but it made a very good hook so you should explain her part and show how she is related to the poet and to the professor.

3. the ( ) in "(a place of refuge for future courageous spirit)" it's a good idea to explain the place and what is it but you need to blend it in the poem and make it a part of it, because now it seems like the poet said something that wasn't planned so he had to put in ( ) to make the readers understand it.

4. I think you made it clear with the relation between the poet and the professor and how he was affected by his death, and thinking that the dew is started to talk to the professor’s ghost to cherish his memory showing how the day appeared in the poet's eyes and how much that professor was important to him.

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your poem.

Thank you
R.H.N
SP CHALLENGER SIG
121
121
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a family of different kind of monsters each got his/her specific features and specialty, but they all care for each other and protect each other because they are a family.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way how you showed a little poem as a hook to describe the relation between the monsters and Halloween. With all these questions in the poem makes the reader more eager to read the story and keeps them interested even more.

         2. show not tell, show more about the father how he felt when his kids formed a cirle to protect him, and how his wife reacted to avenge his feelings that got hurt from the little girl, also show the good night part in a conversation or thoughts.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

          I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed the holiday of the family and how they spent it, and when they saw a party the kids were eager to go, but when they went there a young girl got scared and called her mother, but the family got very angry and the rest of the people got too, to avoid problems the family left but not after showing the father that they all loved him and show the whole world that they are caring, loving, protective family that care for each other.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the characters as a family sticking together and fight for each other, how they face the world and how they were eager to mingle with the rest of the people in the planet but they know they can’t until in Halloween they found out that they can never fit with the rest because they are different, yet they stick together as one family defending and protecting each other.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the movements and the emotions of the characters during the conversation.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         Show the thoughts of the character in italics instead of having him as a narrator state them.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

SP CHALLENGER SIG
122
122
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting poem, I liked the way you showed the whole story in a poem with the details and events showing how the young sister cared for the old one and she made herself a mask to hid her beauty from the men to give a chance to her sister, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed how men became bewitched once they see the young sister but in this line "That was how bewitched they were" I think it would be "That how bewitched they became" because were hows that they fell in love with her before they saw her but the fact is once they saw her they became tamed by her beauty.

2. I liked the way how you showed the young sister caring for her old sister and hiding her face in a mask to help her find the man she loves and to give her a chance. I think it would be better to give them names that follow the rhyme of this poem.

3. Use direct past tense like for example "But, all the men who would have kissed her” should be "But, all the men who kissed her"

4. I think it would be better to state the reason of this curse, to show why men fell in love with her beauty instead of the cleverness of her sister, and why that is a curse and if so was it a curse for her or for her sister. (wearing a mask to hide her beauty means that this gift was given to her and it affected all the men who saw her but was her sister who was the cursed one, to see that everyone who kiss her falls in love with the young one? who brought this curse on her and why?)

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

SP CHALLENGER SIG
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
123
123
Review of Absolutely  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having the whole school unable to gather the courage to face the girl that has been bossing them around thinking that no one dares to disobey her orders, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed the gossips in the cafeteria and how that affect Sarah and made her want to escape and go to the library so that she don’t face the gossips and the whole school for it.

         2. Show not tell, (the part of how Kyle and Sarah were connected, show their relationship in flashbacks or thoughts.)

         3. The narrator is not a character to judge the rest of the characters, show his words in action, and don’t let him ask questions. (Show his comments and questions through another character perspective.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think that the story was very well understood and easy for the readers to understand (I didn’t find any mistakes that might confuse the readers)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating of this story could go to ASR rating, 13+ is a very high rating compared to the content.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed the gossips at the beginning, showing how much that annoyed Sarah, and how she wanted to leave to the Library and when she gathered the courage to do it, she was faced by Melinda who was the most popular and bossy girl in school. Melinda threaten Sarah but Sarah stood up to her and her boyfriend was so happy and proud that she managed to say what everyone else scared to say.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1.I liked the way you showed the characters, having the whole school feeling sorry for Melinda.

         2. Having Sarah embarrassed of the gossips and wanted to leave, yet she got enough courage and strength to face them all.

         3. Having Kyle the boyfriend who hated being ordered by his girlfriend and wanted someone to face his ex. And he was glad when his new girlfriend or friend faced her for him and herself and the whole school.
         4. Having Melina the bossy and arrogant girl who enjoys control the kids around her and they all like to stick with her since she is popular.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the feeling and the emotions of the characters through the dialogues but I think you should add more gestures and movements of the characters to help understand their personalities.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         1. Show more thoughts of the characters and make them in italics.

         2. She assumed she could just order Sarah Jane around and she would automatically listen? She assumed that she could still control Kyle, even though he had broken up with her for that very reason?” show this in thoughts of the Sarah’s or Kyle’s character and make it in italics.


*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show not tell, show the thoughts, the movements of the characters during the dialogues.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
124
124
Review of The Weird Divide  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having the main character troubled and unable to connect with the people around him, envying his parents who were able to keep their weakness as a secret but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed the confusion and loneliness that the main character felt and how he wanted to conceal it but unable to do that.

         2. I think it would be better to show the circumstances of both the place and the main character to make the readers understand why is he feeling that loneliness.

         3. Using the first person point of view makes it easier for the reader to interact with the story but the third person point of view would make it easier for the reader to understand the situation of the main character, and the place and the people that the main character is facing.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

         2. Organize it (set a timeline to the story, show the setting, the characters in more details.)

         2. Proofread it

         3. Edit it (make sure that all the verbs are in the past tense, use a “period” before “on the other hand” check similar grammar and punctuation mistakes.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating should go to ASR rating

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the way you showed the loneliness of the main character and how he felt the disconnected with the people around him, and the envy he felt for the people who were able to hide this feeling of disconnection and insecurity and he start to hate the people in that place for their connection with each other, the connection that he cannot feel.

          2. There are few things missing from the plot that need to be known so that the reader fully understand the story and the characters. (who are the characters of this story? Why are they connected with each other? How did this connection happen? Where is this story taking place?)


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I think you showed the main character perfectly, showing his hatred, envy, and how much he wants to become connected with the others and be normal, but the fact that he cannot feel that make him resent them and his surrounding, mixed with envy making his character quiet unique and different from the others.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          show more about the story and the characters through the characters to show both their connection and how the main character isn’t connected with them.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character in italics, show his thoughts about his family, and the people around him and how he reacted towards that (make the thoughts in italics to prevent confusion.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show more details about the story, show more actions, organize the story and set a time line, show the story through the conversation and thoughts.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
125
125
Review of Kidnapped!  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having being kidnapped and returning home after so many years and realize that lots of things have changed, including the panic and the worry, but still there are things you can do to make it better. .

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you told the story showing a fast flow of events.

         2. I think it would be better to show the story instead of telling it (it felt like an overview to the story)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

         2. Organize it (set a time line to the story, show more details and events, show how she was kidnapped, what were her thoughts? What were her feelings before and after she had her baby?)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         since this story got kidnapping, (probably rape or child abuse) suicide, then it should go to 13+ rating (check WDC ratings for more details)

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the way you showed an eight year old kidnapped and getting pregnant to her first kid when she turned fourteen, and then she was released from her kidnappers at age eighteen once she got out she called her mother, and she returned home with her child, then she found out that her father committed suicide after he failed to get her back, but at least now she know that she is safe and no more worries.

          2. I think it would be better to show where, and how renee was kidnapped and why. (just these questions were missing from the story, and plus shouldn’t the kidnappers protect themselves why did they keep her alive? Why didn’t they kill her baby? And why didn’t her mother call the police once she returned?)

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I think the clearest personality in this story is the father’s he showed his weakness and inability to face his wife and the community of a man unable to find his kid and protect her so he took his life, but the rest of the characters were acting somehow according to the situation without showing any regrets or shame (should show more passion in this story and anger, I mean a parent finds out that her kid got a child from her kidnappers and she faced lots of hard situation the least she can do is to try revenge.)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         1. I think you should she the story through dialogues, to show what was going on and how the people dealt with the situation, show both facial expressions and movements during the conversation.)

         2. “" I wanna change my ways, be the daughter you always wanted", was the voice that everyone missed. Renee, a beautiful,” I think you should start a new line after the ine of every person (so Renee should start in a new line.)

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         show the thoughts of the characters in the story to make the reader understand the characters better and feel their misery and their feelings. (use italics to show thoughts)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show and not tell, add more details and actions to the story, show more dialogues and thoughts.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
198 Reviews · *Magnify*
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