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559 Public Reviews Given
648 Total Reviews Given
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I check for: *Butterflyb* How well the story is written           *Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers                    . *Butterflyo* Rating           *Butterflyr* Plot           *Butterflyv* Characterization           *Butterflyb*Dialogue           *Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters          
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reviewing stories
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Fiction, Fantasy, Detective,
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True stories or poetry
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Whisper Of A Name  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having love telling the story of how love changed and became something else after watching death of the younger brother, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you connected the present with the past and how the story flows and works as a reminder of Cain and Abel

         2. I think it would be better to show the whispers and make it in italics to prevent confusion.

         3. I think it would be better to show more about the background of the main character and his last memory and then go to the present where he meets Gabriel and he starts telling him the story.

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating needs to be 13+ since there is death and murder in this story.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having a man traveling from life to death, seeing the light and remembering only whispers meeting a woman who tells him story.

         2. I got confused about the woman and Gabriel I think this part need to be more clear about each one's turn in the story.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed the characters but you need to give them some backgrounds, memories and show more about their reactions and, relatives

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1.I think it would be better to show more expressions, reactions and gestures during the conversations between the characters.

         2. I think it would be better to the dialogues where each different person line in a new sentence to prevent confusion, and if the same person is the one talking then have it in the same paragraph.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character trying to remember the whisper and show more about his thoughts towards Gabriel and the woman, and the whole event of having blood on his hands and the story of having the older brother killing the young one and having love not being love anymore.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

Mermaid sig
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Review of Children of Babel  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I like the idea of showing how the peace and the city of Babel was sent to it's destruction and having children and mothers manuring the dead and the destruction of the city.

1. I liked the way you showed the children of Babel watching the peace gone and flying away from their country.

2. I liked the way you showed the start of a war in Babel, showing the fallen towers, connecting it with the pentagon towers and the lots of death that followed. (I liked the way you showed the connection with the word tower and bringing New York's towers in it.)

3. I liked the way you showed how safety was taken away from the people by the planes envading the skies of the country and destroying whats in it.

4. I liked the way you showed the future of the children knowing that they wanted revenge and they took it.

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

Mermaid sig
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53
Review of Missing  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting story, I liked the idea of showing the misunderstanding between having a kid missing and having a grown up man missing all in just 25 words.

1. I liked the way you showed a mother worried about her child for being missing and having another man thinking that the kid might be around somewhere but the woman shows the stroller is empty which means that we are dealing with a kid who can't actually walk around alone.

2. I think this story would be better to show that the kid was kidnapped directly without the help me part because somehow it feels like it was forced to be there. (Logically a shocked woman and thinking that her son is gone would say "Oh, My God!" or just "Help" and then "my son got kidnapped”.

3. I think you need to show how is the man who said the line of the kid wondering around was it a man, a woman or the security guard or the kid's father?

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

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54
54
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting poem, I liked theidea of having a mother trying to protect her kids, and support them with food, showing how nature work and that in the animals world the strongest always win and strength is needed for survival and hunt for food, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the idea of showing how the wounded in the animals world need to work harder to be able to survive and support their families especially when their families is all about kids who are unable to support themselves.

2. Logic: the lion in that case would be having the wounded cheetah, her cus and the dead gazelle, and not having the Cheetah and the cubs dead because of lack of food. (this part is somehow confusing I think you need to make it more clear about how the show ended.)

3. I liked the idea of showing how the cruelty of nature works and that it is important to be strong to be able to survive, and how the world is cruel that forces people to kill to survive and making it one important rule in nature which is hunting for food.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

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55
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of showing the old and the new love of the poet and how the poet felt the importance of love when the old one left and how the old love was replaced by the new one changing the poet's life and making him happy, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed the love as a person leaving and arriving showing the effect of it on people's life when it disappear and how it makes them happy when it appears again.

2. I liked that you repeated "I found love in my heart today." Emphasizing that the poet found love and that all what matters.

3. I think it would be better to show what happened with the old love, this part needs more details and events not just a glimpse.

4. Describe more about the old love and how she left and why, what changed to make the new love stay?

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

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56
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a dream in the car and somehow that dream is becoming true, but still there are few things you can do to make it better..

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed the symbols of the two old people as the symbols of the main character and her boyfriend, when they grow old.

         2. I liked the way you showed the staircase appearing in front of the main character and how you connected it with the dream where illogical things happen.

         3. I think it would be better to show some description of Lobo and Sherri when they are old and show the resemblance between them and the old couple in the house.

         4. I think it would be better to show the dream parts in italics to prevent confusions.

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the idea of having a woman and her boyfriend or husband going to their house for the first time together, and the woman having a dream about that house that it is her final destination.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way you showed the two characters caring about each other and trying to keep each other happy and worry free.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the conversations between the characters but I think it would be better to show facial expressions, reactions and movements of the characters during the conversations.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thought's of the main character in italics to prevent confusion.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

         

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

Milti Signature
57
57
Review of Mistaken Identity  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting story, I liked the idea of confusing a vampire with a terrorist and how the main character stalked him, and kept an eye on him.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed how the main character thought that he is dealing with a terrorist and thought to catch him and deliver him to the FBI.

         2. I think it would be better to describe more details abot the explosion, show why the main character doubting him.

         3. Logic: seeing a hooded man in the explosion scene doesn't mean he is the one who bombed the place because why would the terrorist wait and be there during the explosion shouldn't he be real away from it?

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the way you showed the main character doubting a someone and thinking that he is a terrorist, following him in dark places and train stations until the stranger discovered that he was followed and decided to take his revenge with the twist that he isn't a terrorist, he is much more dangerous that he is a vampire and can compel minds and people.

         2. I think it would be better to explain this part show “I figured if I caught this fool, the FBI would have to let me back in “ show the background of the main character, what did it mean to let him back in?

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters and the description of the vampire and how his skin was pale along with him covering himself and having a beard, and disappearing qickly from sight withot anyone noticing.

         2. I think it would be better to show more about the main character his background, name, why did he needed in again?

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show more about facial expressions, reactions and movements of the character's during the conversations.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character in italics to prevent confusions

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.

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Review of Lost From God  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! a very interesting poem, i liked the idea of having a the poet unable to see herself through God's eyes and only see it through herself and other people's eyes, showing the faults and the non perfection in it.

1. i liked the way you showed that you want God to show you who you really are and let people see your God through you and to become perfect in their eyes and not just His.

2. I liked the way you showed the impurity of the poet and the comparison between how God sees her and how she sees herself.

3. I liked the way you showed the poet is asking for help to get rid of this feeling she is having and have peace and be the person that God wants her to be. someone who has purpose and aims not just empty.


Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.


"Contest Central Station" 

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59
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of experimenting on humans who are pretty much dangerous to the human race, and not approving which lead to a conflict between the characters, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the idea of having two people working together disapproving on each others way which leads to revenge and facing death at the end.

         2. I think you need to show more than tell (show the effect of the virus, show it's dangers.)

         3. Name the characters “the decaying man” isn't enough defiantly he was a part of a failed experiment before, who was he and give a background about him same for the other criminals.

         4. Explain how the car works (because the idea of it wasn't clear.

         5. Logic: Aron disagreed about the experiments because it was endangering them, then how does the attempt to kill Mike wouldn't risk his job, and the closing of the experiments and company?

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “THEY LIE” should be “they lied”

         3. Show spacing between the paragraph to make it easier to read.

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly but if you added more details about the decaying man and the virus and what it do to people then it should move to 18+

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having two coworkers discussing their future about experimenting on humans and how one disagree and the other begs him to agree, but Aron thinks it is a risk for them, and the company and decides to take matter in his own hands and get rid of Mike but somehow Mike survives and give Aron the taste of facing death just like he did with him.

         2. I think there are some parts in this story are missing like what kind of virus is it? Who are these criminals and what kind of experimenting were they going to go through? What's with the car in the experiment? you need to explain the whole technique of it. The history of the decaying man, and why is he trapped down there? How come he is alive when there is no food or water in that place or did he started feeding on the dead bodies of their experiments? What happened to him to start decaying and how is he able to move while decaying?


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed Mike and Aron and how each started protecting himself against the other knowing that one of them is risking the future of the other.
         2. I think it would be better to show their backgrounds when they were little and in university and how did they ended up together in that company and what was offered for Mike to try to convince Aron about the

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1.I liked the way of showing conversations and dialogues in your story but I think you need to be more short, simple and clear while explaining the facial expressions, reactions and gestures of the characters.

         2. In some of the dialogues you forgot to put the “” which was very confusing.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          show the thoughts of the characters in italics to prevent confusion.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.


"Reviewing stories NOW OPEN" 

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60
60
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a man waiting and watching out for people who are there at the end of the world planning to go through it and ignoring the man's warning, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the creativity of the idea of having a man at the edge of the world warning people and drinking tea.

         2. Show more details and give more description about this man, and what's his mission and why is he warning people?

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

         2. Organize it (I think this story need to more organized it felt rushed, why do people go to the edge of the world and why do they ignore the man's warning? What's with the tea part of the story? There are a lot of things in this story that it's not easy to understand)

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having a man watching out for the edge of the world warning people, some ignore him and some listen to him, while others sit with him and have some tea.

         2. I think you need to mention the definition of the edge of the world, the man's position, the importance of tea for this story and what doesn't symbolize.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I think it would be better to show the personality of the man more not just that he is a kind hearted man who cares for people and wants to help them, but also show his past, background, why did he end up here. (the way he moves, walks, talk.)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to add some conversations in this story, to show how the man warned those who wanted to pass the edge of the world. Also show the conversations over tea and how it went what people asked, and how the man answered.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1798008 by Not Available.


"Contest Central Station" 

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61
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Review of Night Glow  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a girl trying to remove her misery by helping the children and thinking at night of how to make things better and what would make her parents rest in peace, but still there are few things yo can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the mystery in the story of what was attacking and why the dog was barking and becoming dangerous escaping Nisha's hands.

         2. Who said this part? “The light seemed closer now, or was she imaging it? “ was it the narrator or was it a thought. Don't let the narrator comment on the story, his job is only to tell the story and in most cases it's better show not tell, unless of course the narrator is a part of the story.

         3. I think it would be better to give more events and details because you are rushing it to reach to the end of it like for example in this part “As they grew older, the house was filled with childish laughter. They chased each other up and down the stairs and through the huge rooms, their feet echoing on the marble floors. Her parents gave them free rein of the house when there were no guests. Time marched on, and the children became adults. Life was good--until the day her brothers and sister vanished into thin air, or so it seemed. They had all been out riding through the forest on the east side of the estate when it happened. Nisha and her parents had stopped to remove a pebble stuck in her horse's hoof; the others kept going. ” , show some events during that time and show what used to happen when there were guests in the house. (show one or more situation that Nisha remembered while watching the glow.)

         4. Logic: Nisha was watching the glow come closer and closer without moving or feeling any threat, not even flinch. (I think you need to rethink about this part because it doesn't make sense.)

          5. Show not tell you told Nisha's condition but I think you need to show it, show her reactions towards the servants and her parent's death along with her brothers and sister's disappearance.

         6. Logic: turning the house into an orphanage it's kind of a big step and need a lot of preparations a lot of thought and also she would have to work in that orphanage. (I think you rushed this part and need to go through it again and see the kind of preparation she is going to do.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it
"
         2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “plus” should be “purpose”

         3. Outline it

         4. Organize it (I think this story need to be more organized, you need to set a time line to it, and determine to show the flashbacks or start from the beginning and so on. Because it's confusing.)

         5. If you are planning to show some flashbacks in this story then I think it would be better to use italics to prevent confusions.
*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly but needs more details like show the disappearence of the children, how did it happen and what was the consequences of it. And give more details about the glow and whatever made Nelson vicious and barking like crazy.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having a bright light in the sky getting closer and closer while it was approaching Nisha the main character was thinking of her past and the future at the same time, her lost family and dead parents, and how she is willing to change that to make her house filled with kids from the orphanage and changing her house into an orphanage.

         2. I think you need to put more details about that glow, show more about her family and reactions towards the lost children (show the whole event because this was just a glimpse of what happened in the story and shows that the parents gave up looking which is somehow impossible and illogical.)

         3. The part of having Nelson protecting her by kissing the intruder feels more like an exaggeration and not the truth and it is proofed in the story that he could become vicious if necessary so I think you need to differentiate between her thoughts, the narrator’s words and the actual event.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          1. I liked the way you showed Nisha as a strong young woman, trying to get over her past and making herself and her dead parents content by changing her house into an orphanage, you made her look like a very kind hart person, and compassionate. Cold when it comes to her own safety and also at the same time you showed her cowardice by her not looking at the threat and closing her eyes yet forcing it open because it's her duty to see what was going on and threatening her.

         2. I liked the way you showed Nelson how he was so protective of her and caring about her, attacking the intruder and protecting her even though she fainted and couldn't handle it.

         3. I think it would be better to give more details about her parents and her two brothers and sister .

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1. I think it would be better to show the conversation between her parents and the police when the kids disappeared, show her parent's conversation and thoughts toward the servants, and show her conversations with the servants and how did she dismissed them and whether or not they understood why she did this? And show the effect on them after all she kind of fired them from their job.

         2. I think it would be better to show movements and facial expressions along with the reactions of the characters during the conversation.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         1. I think it would be better if you showed the thoughts of the main character in italics.

         2. Was that a thought “"What is that?" she wondered, or was she talking to herself.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
62
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Review of Black pelican  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Mermaid sig

Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of showing the black pelican in the lake, and making it sound like a conversation between the poet and someone who is hiding from something.

1. I liked the way you described the person like the black pelican, flying above the lake not thinking of anything but running away heavy and light at the same time.

2. I liked the way you showed that person hiding from facts and things that must be like having a dear and close someone falling by any chance not even an accident.

3. I liked the way you showed the fear for that friend, she has to experience and yet someone is scared for her to make the wrong decisions, but at the end only the black feathers will be what’s left of her.

4. I think you need to be clearer about who is the friend, what is she experiencing and why she might fall by a mistake.

Overall it is great poem, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.
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Review of I know that house  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mermaid sig

Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having memories about the room where the poet grew in, remembering everything about it and the people who were in it and wishing to go back to tell them how much she loved them.

1. I liked the way you described the room, with its furniture not missing the details of what the people used to do in it.

2. I liked the way you showed how people acted in that room, and how things used to be around you in the past and how much this room was important.

3. I think it would be better to show more about the time and the gap between the memories and the real time you are writing this.

4. I liked the rhymes and how the words seem to flow showing the picture in the readers mind and sharing the memories with the poet.

Overall it is great poem, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.
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Review of Regret  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having two writers in love with each other and show it all on paper, yet they kept on stalemate position with all the heat and passion between them on hold.

1. I liked the idea of having two writers sharing their passion and communicating with each other through their writing and activities.

2. I liked the way you showed how the writings and their imaginations turned into real passion and those two writers became more close to each other than they thought, but giving time and meeting each other they decided to do the right thing and to stay away from each other and have their passion and love kept in a limited way. (but i think you should mention the real reasons for this, why was it the right thing? )

3. I liked how you showed the regret of that good times weren't long enough and that they made this decision leaving scars in both hearts, even though that the two of them wanted and desired each other so badly.. (I think this part needs more figure of speech and metaphors to enable the reader to go into more depth to the meaning.)

4. I liked the way you showed the stalemate of the emotions of both sides and how they cannot forget and cannot be together again.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
65
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Review of Change (revised)  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Mermaid sig
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of seeing someone in the shadows of light and how the lights changed during the day and night, showing different reflections of that person.

1. I liked how you showed the beauty of lights in the morning and the direct change and opposite of them during the night.

2. I liked the way you described the person's beauty based on the lights and showing the true self through the reflected lights.

3. I liked the way you showed the deceit in this person and how he/she changed from
beauty to ugliness because of that person's lies and the ways that person used to deceive people.

4. I think it would be better to add some description of the poet's feeling about this change to see someone with that beauty turns into that ugliness, show the deceit and details of the poet's feelings not just thoughts and facts.

Overall it is great poem, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.
66
66
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mermaid sig

Wow! a very interesting piece, I liked the way how you showed the gunfight emphasizing on the silence after the gunshots and showing the pool of blood as a ruby is very impressive and giving a shiny and vivid image of the scene.

1. I liked how you described the place showing the houses, the shops and people waiting to see who wins this fight and who loses his life. very vivid image of what's going on as if it is happening from inside the words shown in the reader's mind.

2. I liked the way you showed the gunshot cutting the silence off and the way you used the shortcut of "reigns" and made it "rei." makes it seem more real of how the loud gunshot cutting off the peace of silence and bring death and sorrow to another person and happiness and relief to the winner.

3. I liked the way you described the blood as a ruby made it feel like the prize of the winner and the loss of the dead guy.

4. I think it would be better to show the faces of the people, during the silence and after the gun shots, the change that happened and how it affected them, what was the reaction of the winner and how did he feel having his prize of the ruby pool.

Overall it is great piece, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.
67
67
Review of The Children  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Mermaid sig

Wow! A very interesting piece, telling the story of a little girl who learns who to help her mother at a very early age showing the drama and the life that this little girl had to live with till she grew up and moved away, yet the drama didn't end it got worse, her sister was raped and they were forced to live with the guy who took away her innocence, life goes on and she still misses her parents especially now that they are separated.

1. I liked the way how you showed how life was hard but still happy at the beginning of the author's childhood and how she grew up to be different person and her life filled with drama, fear and misery.

2. I think it would be better to define this either as a poem or a short story and also try to show state if it is real or fiction.

3. I think it would be better to define the gender of the main character to prevent confusion.

4. I think if this is a poem then it would be better to use metaphors and figure of speech to show the meaning in a more obvious way and also I think a rhyme would give it more taste.

Overall it is great piece, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your item.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.
68
68
Review of Interactive Art  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a drowning man in the telephone booth and people thinking that he is just part of a show, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed Jake’s situation inside the telephone booth and how he tried to fight to save his life.

          2. I think it would be better to show it as the story of the telephone booth, how it traps people, how many went there and didn’t come up alive? Show what kind of telephone booth that traps people inside and maybe you could tell it from the booth’s point of view. (Since it’s fiction)

         3. I think you need to describe more about the visual that the people get from outside, along with the voices instead of just wondering with the reader about if someone caring or even paying attention.

         4. Logic: in a telephone booth and dead? Couldn’t the victim call anyone, or couldn’t he just break the glass booth I mean it’s not that hard to break it, or using the telephone to do so would be easier, instead of just trying to get to the top to get out.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few grammar and word choice mistakes like “He was doubly sure when water started gushing up at his feet. “ I don’t get what was he unsure about?”, “ Could no one see? Did no one care?” I think it should be “couldn’t anyone see? Didn’t anyone care?” it would have saved you few words and made it more easier to understand without getting confused.

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the idea of having a telephone booth drowning people to death, hiding them from the public’s eyes and then getting rid of them somehow freeing the space to another victim.

         2. I think there are a lot in this story missing like why is that specific telephone booth acting like that? What happen to the dead body after the booth is cleared of water? The booth is made of glass then why doesn’t anyone tries to break it?


*Butterflyv* Characterization

          1. I liked the way you showed the curiosity in Alex’s character and how he acted towards the booth.

          2. I liked the way you showed Jake’s character very hesitant and unsure of what he is doing, and taking risks.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show how Jake tried to get help, show his screams shouts and facial expressions along with his reactions and movements during his call for help.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of both Jake and Alex towards the booth before entering and for Jake’s thoughts while the booth was being filled with water.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

Mermaid sig
69
69
Review of Addiction  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting idea I liked your way in showing how addiction starts and how people are fooled by having their worst enemy as their best friend, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked how you showed the drugs as a human talking to the addicted and having the poet show this conversation between the two of them.

2. I think this part needs editing “When I try to ignore you you become aggressive.” it should be “I tried to ignore you but you became aggressive.” or “When I tried to ignore you, you became aggressive.”

3. I liked the way you told how the drugs became after fully depending on it, but I think it would be better to show more of it's effects not just tell it.

4. I liked Showing how two different people became friends even though they shouldn't even meet, one of them tried to fool the other making him think that his life is his and he should anything he wants to do with it but then the fooled friend discovers that it is entirely the opposite and he is depending on his friend who is fooling him and whenever he tries to get away his friends traps him again and become more violent.

5. I liked the way you showed the good friend facing his addiction and calling him a liar but I think the word “liar” isn't enough to end this poem I think it would be better to show more anger and more determination to end this addiction and to get rid of that fooling friend for good.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
70
70
Review of Doomed  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Wow! a very interesting idea I liked the idea of showing how earth hides it's beauty, and the sun trying to reveal the spring and blossoms and having the farms harvest, but still there are lots of things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed the beauty of the grass and the image you drew in the reader's mind of the green areas on earth.

2. I think you need to show the type of this poem and the syllabus and the rhyme just for the reader to be able to follow what kind of poetry this is, without getting lost. (I am not really that good in poetry to figure this type of poetry out.)

3. “The young season is forgetful of the claws
Digging into the elements” in here you somehow lost me what claws and what elements are you talking about? This part isn't clear enough for the reader to figure it out.

4. I think it would be better to show more about the injustice that the farmer has to deal with and how the nature is hiding cruelty.

Overall it is great poem, i enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
71
71
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a little girl haunted by her dreams and somehow her dreams turning to reality, having that rabbit in her dreams appear in her real life and such but I think there are things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed the father's care for his daughter and trying to protect moving her head away from the moving vehicle's window.

         2. I think it would be better if you used a better hook than your first paragraph, maybe start using the history of the Smith family, the beginning of Alice and why is she having those dreams?

         3. Show more about the rabbit and her dreams give more descriptions and details.

         4. Make it short and directly to the point “The hands were on the numbers 6 and 15. It was 6:15 in the morning.” why not shorten it to “it was quarter past six” or “it was 6:15” instead of saying the hands were on which numbers I mean logically the reader will get it since you mentioned 15 and not 3

         5. Name the characters the only name in this story is Alice, name the other characters instead of referring to Alice every-time.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

         2. Organize it (set a time line to the story, show the background of Alice and her adoption and try to think outside the box because this feels like another Alice in wonderland and not an original story.)

         3. Proofread it

         4. Edit it (there are lots of grammar, structure and word choice mistakes like, “The radio blasted country music as a dark blue truck zoomed on the highway. The paved, smooth road soon turned to bumps and rocks as more of a back road opened to the eyes of those in the vehicle.“ in here you are showing the music that is being played and the changes of the road, I think you should start with who is in the vehicle and then describe the road and who is driving.”

         5. Refer to Alice's father as her father and not the driver.

         6. Make the dreams in italics.

         7. Use he/she for the rabbit instead of “it”

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I thinkthe rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          1. I liked the idea of having Alice adopted kid who hate going to her grandparents, yet fakes her smiles and obey her father's orders.

         2. I think there are few things missing in this story that should be there in chapter one like who are the Smith? Why don't Alice feel that she belong to them? Where was she in the before the adoption? What happened to her real parents? Should she have something to remind her of her real family?

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed Alice acting like any girl loving air to go through her hair and having it flying out of the vehicle's window, faking her smile to make everyone around her happy, and giving compliments about food, being polite and acting loving to her grandparents, even though she hate visiting them.

         2. I liked the way you showed the father very caring and loving to his adopted daughter, yet not knowing her enough to know her real feelings through her reactions and can't recongnize her fake smile from real one, and showing how distant he is from her that he doesn't realize that she hate visiting her grandparents.

         3. I liked the way you showed the grandparents very welcoming and loving to their granddaughter but unable to know her or make her feel that she belong to that family, even with all the hospitality they showed they can't reach to her.

         4. I liked the way you showed the rabbit but I think you need to elaborate more about his position and why is he haunting her in her dreams. Why and how did he appeared to her in real life?

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1.I think you need to work on your dialogue techniques for example “"Okay," she mumbled, her eyes looking at the black tights. “ I think it would be “"Okay," she mumbled, her eyes wandering through the black tights.”. Yet I don't get what are those black tights anyway.

          2. For more help on dialogues visit "May Editorial: Dialog"  [ASR], "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue"  [E], "Book 5: Where the Oasis Blooms"  [ASR]

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I liked the way you showed the thoughts of the main character but I think you need to make the thoughts in italics to prevent confusions.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
72
72
Review of Our Moment  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of showing the meaning of love and how the two lovers help each other never giving up on each other, appreciating the time that they spend loving each other, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described love and how it could be a pain and a blessing in the same time.

         2. Show not tell (try to show the emotions through the characters instead of having one of them explaining and describing it to the reader.

         3. Give names to your characters

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

          I didn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the way you showed two people in love, not giving up on each other, and how the woman helped the man to continue and move on, loving him and loving her showing their love the meaning of pain and the meaning of pleasure at the same time.

         2. I think you need to add some details about the events, and show more of their situations together, explaining how she helped him, and how was he so much affected by her love and that she didn’t give up on him.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed to people deeply in love with each other, understanding the meaning of being loved, and loving someone giving a new meaning of life and changing their life to better and to be able to love each other in a better way.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show this story through conversations between the two lovers, show their facial expressions, their affection, and their love.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          show the appreciation of not giving up and helping him all the way to get over his problems using her help and support. Show his thoughts and feelings of gratitude in italics.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
73
73
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! a very interesting idea I liked the way you showed a little girl curious about death, especially after seeing her grandmother death, not understanding the reason of her death of why did she had to die.

1. I liked the way you showed the young girl's curiosity and her father's explanations.

2. I liked the way how you showed the mother jumping in using a simple language to help her daughter understand the reason of why people had to die and using roses and their own garden to give the young girl a clear and simple example that she would understand.

3. I liked the way you showed the girl's love to her grandmother and how that she became her idol, and the girl wanting to become a rose in bloom for the rest of her life just like her grandmother.

Overall it is great poem, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
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#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
74
74
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a descendant of some forgotten god dealing with supernaturals and having trouble dealing with his social skills, concentrating only at the case that matters, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed the special abilities of the characters.

         2, I think it would be better to introduce the bloodline of the characters (I mean you only mentioned that Jack the main character is a descendant of some forgotten god, who is that god why wasn’t that mentioned in the first chapter.)

         3. Show not tell “To be honest, the place was a fucking dive.” I think this part could be better described by the main character in details instead of telling a glimpse about it.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

         2. Organize it (set a profile to the characters, show more about the story through the time line of it, explain about Eddie the witch and the god descendant Jack and the weird phenomena that Alley experienced it, her concerns about her sister, and so on)

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think this chapter could go to 13+ since there is no extreme violence or inappropriate stuff in it.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked how you showed that there is a girl missing and her sister is looking for her, trying to know what happened to her and how did she disappeared, and how her friends got killed, using a god descendant and a witch to help.

         2. I think there is something missing knowing about Jack from other people and weird cases isn’t enough I think you need to specify a case that Ally was related to or somehow heard of it from someone who was involved in it to know about Jack and go through all this trouble to find him.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked how you showed Eddie a very sociable person, and welcoming , concentrating his work when it comes to it.

         2. I liked the way you showed Jack how he is only concerned about the weird and abnormal phenomena that appear around him taking cases to help those who don’t understand what’s going on around them from weird cases and solving their problem.

          3. I liked the way you showed Ally how she is dealing with her sister’s disappearance along with the death of some of her friends, and how the police thought she was lying and that it is a false report. I liked the way you showed her fear in her tone and how she stuttered while telling her story to Jack and Eddie.

         4. I think you need to add some of the character’s reactions and movements like the way they move, talk and walk.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogues but I think it would be better to show more of the character’s reactions and facial expressions.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think it would be better to show the thoughts of Jack while listening to Ally’s story, and how is he planning to protect her, along with the glimpses of the possibilities of what could it be who kidnapped her sister, and if she is still alive or not. (show the thoughts in italics.)

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
75
75
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having some sort of an agent dealing with supernaturals, showing that all these fairy tales and myths is true in his world and that he is the one who deals with them, investigating and dealing with cases that involves them, away from the police, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you showed Jack dealing with supernaturals, and taking different cases, along with Eddie.

         2. I think it would be better to show some of Eddie’s magical powers maybe doing something about the cold, getting rid of the beer, not just finishing the beer that fast.

         3. Logic: if the police didn’t believe the girl about the corpses and the disappearing then why didn’t they thought of mental institution it would make more sense than false reports.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1.Outline it

         2. Organize it (set a time line to the story, show the difference between reality and the dream, by making the dream in italics.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

          I think this story could go to 13+ since there is no description of the corpses or the disappearance but if you are planning to put the details then 18+ will fit perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked how you showed the beginning of Jack’s day starting with this weird dream, and Eddie greeting him and waking him up, showing him the ice and cold outside. Then showing him the new case about the girl who saw unnatural phenomena of disappearance and murder and when she went to the police they didn’t believe her due to the lack or disappearance of evidence.

         2. I think there are few things missing in this chapter like who is Melissa, why is Jack keeping a low profile? The nature of their job with supernaturals, you mentioned that they deal with it but how exactly? Show a memory or a dream about it.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed Jack, a man dealing with abnormal situations, and keeping a low profile, trying to do his job and taking cases and meeting new clients to help them, very focused on his work and not caring about the distractions that surrounds him.

         2. I liked the way you showed Eddie a witch trying to help a friend and bringing him new cases to deal with, thoughtful and friendly.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the dialogues with the movements of the characters but I think it would be better to show some facial expressions and reactions of the characters during the conversations

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts in italics especially of Jack’s while listening about the murder and the corpses along with the disappearance about its possibilities and how could they deal with it instead of having Jack say it as a narrator.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
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