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I check for: *Butterflyb* How well the story is written           *Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers                    . *Butterflyo* Rating           *Butterflyr* Plot           *Butterflyv* Characterization           *Butterflyb*Dialogue           *Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters          
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151
151
Review of Nores Religion  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of introducing a new religion through the main character, showing her beliefs and what would go on with the story according to her beliefs, but still I think thee are few things that need to be improved to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          I liked the way how you showed the difference between the sons and daughters of the light and the dark, giving that example about a room with no walls and window made it clear for the reader and got to admit it is very well explained.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1.proofread it

         . 2. Edit it(there are few grammar and punctuation mistakes.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think that the rating need to go to 13+ since you think that this might offend some people, so I guess it cannot be available for everyone. Plus I think the fight between the goddesses might be more serious and fighting over souls and so on, you could add death in it, making it a qualified content for 13+.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          I liked the way how you introduced the religion, and the gods and goddesses there, also the way you showed the conflict between the goddess of the dark and the goddess of the light, showing their fight for the girl, then showing at the end that it’s the girl’s decision to make.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I think you showed the characters of the goddesses more than you showed the main character’s personality, you showed their fight and her confusion, yet you told why she refused to go to the light, but you didn’t show the misery of her life in both the dark and the light.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think you should add dialogues between the characters (in the part of having the two goddesses fighting over the girl) also in the part where she makes the decision show the conversation between her and her goddess to show why and how she reached her decision at the end.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think you should show and not tell the thoughts of your characters using italics.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          i think all that need to be improved is the grammar, add some dialogues, change the rating and show the thoughts in italics.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
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#1695090 by Not Available.
152
152
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
That’s a very intresting story but I think there are still things you need to consider in order to make it better.
How well is it written

          1. In the first paragraph of your chapter you showed the effect of Mr. Clark’s assignment according to the conclusion of the narrator, I think you should reorganize this part and think of who should say and why was it said in the first place.

         2. Moving in a pair, I think you could have written that in a better way, like for example {Slick and Justin went to the next door room, and delete the “moving in a pair” because it is obvious. (avoid using too much unnecessary description for directions.(describtion is important in places, facial expressions, and some events and actions the rest you need to be visualizing the moves of your characters to be able to write it correctly.
If it is easy to be understood for the readers

          1. Proofread it

          2. Edit it (there are few grammar and punctuation mistakes that I think you need to work on, there are also few spelling mistake like “them” instead of “then”)

          3.Justin and Slick had managed to give the P.E. teacher the slip ( I think this sentence need to be reconstructed, *Right*Justin and \slick managed to skip the P. E lesson or managed to slip from the P.E teacher.)

          4. No one was the wiser { again confusing, I didn’t know you mean so I guess you meant, no one was the wisest or no one was there to observe what’s going on.)

         5. to prevent confuse the reader (don’t use .And, I think it would be better to start your sentence right after the period without And for example (.And the place where actual girls were going to be showering off very soon. *Right* the place where actual girls were going to be showering off very soon.
         6. “save Justin and Slick” what did you mean and why is this sentence there in the first part, and who said it?( lots of questions need to be answered since you brought this sentence up.)

         7. The metaphor of “wet blanket” has one of the meanings as someone who is bad with parties or cannot mingle in parties so I don’t think it’s the right expression to use for the green hair. (People could misunderstand or get lost while reading this part.)

          8. It might be confusing a little that you have two characters having the same name but different spelling (Mari, and Mary) some people might get confused I think it would be better to change one of them to a totally different name to prevent confusion.

         9. The end of the first part was extremely funny to me I kept laughing in the office till all thought I am crazy or something, but I wasn’t really able to visualize how were they tied up in the girl’s bathroom and I thought that it was hot water and not cold one, I only got the cold one at the end of the first part.

Rating

         I think the rating of 13+ is fine for this story, but I think you might cross the line and bring it to 18+ so be careful if you want your readers to grow not to shrink.

Plot

         I liked the idea of the plot at the very beginning in the previous chapters you showed Mr. Clark and his assignment and how he asked Tarah to help Andy since his grades weren’t good enough, then you showed the boys making fun of him because he is going to be dealing with a nerd and moreover in his house, then you showed Andy trying to talk to Mari when Tarah ruined it and called their study session a date, then you switched to Andy’s home on how his family helped him or ignored his disaster and tried to help in how to deal with it, then suddenly you moved to Justin and Slick’s point of view on how they tried to trick the girls but Mari figured it out and switched it on them. Then came the big part where the real switch in the story happened when Tarah and Andy had this kind of connection and the two are really close now. I think there are things that need more details in that plot. (Clark’s assignment is the thing that is fueling your story with events, and having the sudden event of having Tarah let off her guard and act as if she is modern and trendy and loves music all over a sudden this switch needed more details and explanation to reach to the level you want.

Characterization

         1. According to the previous chapters you showed Slick’s and Justin’s characters as the kind of boys who like to put people in trouble and make fun of them, you made that pretty clear with Andy and Tarah, in this chapter you add a new color to their character is that they are rich (by showing that their father made a donation to the school and this is why they have access to the school in the dark.) and they do that they are having a mess behavior problem (to fanaticize about girls and actually take a real action towards their imagination, by making it hot and think that the girls there are going to come up screaming naked or maybe half naked.

         2. Still there were other characters that you only mentioned their names only at the beginning, (I prefer you show a glimpse of these characters (Janey, Carol, the only description you tried to show here is that they are sexy according to Slick and Justin’s point of view.) like how did they acted with Slick and Justin before.)

         3. Humor added to Slick thinking of his fantasies while being beaten up from the girls (are you sure he is not a someone who like to be tortured.)

          4. For Mari you showed her in the second chapter that she is the kind of girl who can protect herself from guys, and here in this chapter you add that she also can take revenge if she wanted and that she is an extremely dangerous girl. (yet making her the one who explains how they found out is shows some kindness I think it would be better if you showed Tarah or any of the other girls do that job.) also making her have a green hair I didn’t get what’s your point from the green hair because normely green hair refers to someone with physic powers same like having violet eyes. So how does adding the color of her hair is going to add to her character?

         5. Andy’s character is showed in the previous chapters, is the character of a young man who likes keeping away from trouble, and he is not good enough in class, In this chapter you add coward at the beginning “not really sure if I can do this” and also using the expression of “away from the door like a rat from a cat.” Also that he is totally not good with girls and he don’t know how to deal around them. “the boy stood there politely” it shows how Andy was forced to listen to Tarah while talking about her hobby, (seems that his character is totally different than his friends Justin and Slick, but here is the question how did they become friends in the first place? They should be annoying him and beating him, something the early school years when there is a bully onboard.), you showed his shame and love to Tarah by saying that Andy was glad that his friends weren't witnessing how close the two of them were tonight.

          6. The adults of this story are acting normal nothing weird about them, they are just trying to help Andy to get throw with his problems and pass his school years, (they are normal unlike the rest of the characters in there, they are like the balance of the story.)

         7. Mary’s character sounds friendlier she is not just trying to be wise to help Andy but also to be friendly with him and his friends or at least with Tarah. (I liked that part she acts like a real old woman trying to help her son socialize)

         8. Tarah’s character in the previous chapters was that she is a nerd and not caring for her appearance, trying to be friendly but not welcomed due to her glasses and her appearance, and in this chapter you add that she care for her appearance but she is totally bad at it by using “she looked like she stepped out of a public television nature show.” Also you add that she like to catch bugs which makes her an outdoor girl or a science freak. And also you confirmed that she need any kind of attention from anybody by making her say “I wanted to show them to you when I came over, since we're gonna have lots of time together!", well showing Tara’s hobby sue adds to her character and her fear when someone tried to hurt her bugs. I think she seems mysterious in school more than a nerd to me (I mean showing all these stuff about her that nobody knows about sure adds a lot. I liked the how you showed her as a Karaoke demon, but I think this part need you to work more on the transition of her character from a school nerd to a singer.


Dialogue

I liked the way how you showed your dialogue in all the previous chapters and in this one too but I think it could be better.

          1. "Shut up," a second voice hissed back. "Your voice carries." (this is part at the beginning is of the dialogue need to be more clear and explained because it is a bit confusing. (who is talking and to who what’s going on what are they doing while saying this dialogue, was there any facial expressions and how is it going to effect the story or this part of it)

          2. “After letting the image slip into their heads, the two turned to each other and made a face. "Eeewww!!!"” well I liked the way how showed their feelings of disgust towards Tarah but I think it would be better to show what was the face they made looked like, I think you could describe that in details to make it more real for the reader and to help the reader understand that she looks terrible.

         3. “There aren’t any more hot babes here than at a sci-fi dork convention!" (Don’t use abbreviations, when people pronounce that in reality it is science fiction and nobody pronounce it sci-fi) try to make it real for the reader.

Thoughts of the characters
         I liked the improvement of actually adding some thoughts to the story unlike the other two chapters I didn’t find any except the narrator’s annoying comments. But I think it would be better if you used italics to show thoughts, also by using italics you got the advantage of that you don’t have to mention that it is a thought because it would be obvious,

The idea and summary of how to improve
Well I liked the idea of how you showed the character’s switch it’s just need more details and more time spent to reorganize it and to see how to move forward in the story.

Overall it is a great story I enjoyed reading it. Good job and keep it up *Smile*
Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)


153
153
Review of The Sell-Out  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a young girl who thinks that she is a vampire deceived and not becoming one after all the trouble she went through to make herself hunt for a prey, but still I think there are few things you can do to make this story better.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are grammar mistakes. punctuation mistakes and few spelling mistakes.)

3. I liked the way how you showed the main character in the story and how you made her feelings and thoughts readable through telling the story from the first person point of view

4. I think it would be better if you showed her feelings and thoughts using italics (it will help the reader to understand more what she went through and how she went through it.)

5. I liked the way you showed the other character the man who made her think that she is turned, yet I think it would be better if you showed more dialogues between the two of them (at the beginning when he turned her, what and how did he trained her and so on.)

6. I liked the way you showed how she haunted for her prey showing how he appealed her and why she chose him to become her prey, yet you need to explain how did she share the blood sense with the man who turned her. To make it more logic.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
154
154
Review of Peace  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Wow! that a very overwhelming story, I liked the idea of showing a name who is actually being a stranger in his own world, and then realize that he was pretending all of it at the end, but then you take different route by actually making him feel everything he should have felt at his death moment. But still there are still few things you can do to make it better.

1.I liked the way you organized it and showed it all in a fixed timeline (showing his birth at the beginning and how he perceived it, and then his father trying to teach him some words, then school, then meeting a girl then getting married, showing how he lost his parents and trying to explain their loss and faking his feelings to himself and others, then having a son and losing his wife, and then his son graduating and leaving him because he doesn’t felt that his father is faking his feelings and doesn’t real love him)

2.I liked the way how you showed peace at the end and showing that death solved his problems and made him understand everything better (totally unexpected but disappointing ending, he should understand but want to fix his relationship with his son)

3. I think it would be better to show and not tell (show your character through his name, and make the reader go into his thoughts and feelings, to do that you could use italics or “ “it will fit perfectly with the main character while being surrounded when he was newly borne (but I don’t think that there is anyone who remember this moment)

4. Give names to your characters to make it to prevent confusing the readers (especially while showing that we are dealing with a new borne baby and his father is teaching him to say “Baba”)

5.Well according to how your story is going I think it would be better if you used first person point of view to show the confusion and the feeling of a baby borne adapting to his new community away from his mother’s womb.

6. I think you need to add more details and dialogues to make the reader understand your story better and understand the main characters and interact with them

Other than that it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up : )

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
155
155
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of presenting the main character’s ideas and the compassion and love he felt to a woman he didn't it was like love from the first sight, but still I think there are few things you can do to make this story better.

1. Show and not tell, I think it would be better if you showed the conversation and thoughts of the main character as if he was talking to someone and expressing his feelings, or it could be thoughts and better be expressed with italics.

2. I think you need to work on the nameless woman and show how she attracted the main character.

3. Logic how can someone commit suicide based on another's person decision to end her own life? (I think you need to rethink the logic of this part or maybe make the characters more intimate)

4. Check the WDC ratings because I think this story should go to 13+ since it got suicide in it.

Overall it is a great story I enjoyed reading it, I liked the way you organized your story, and displayed it well to the reader. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
156
156
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the way you started showing how the school was in mess and then showing how the events started to add up on Andy making him depressed at the end of this part and talking to his family over dinner about it, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.
1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes, “it’s was” I guess this has to be it was)

3. The narrator is not a character in your story (so he/she cannot make comments on the story)

4. “Which, today, was quite a different place” this sentence sounds that it need to be fixed and that it is not complete, today is time, yet you described it here as a place, I think this sentence need to be joined with the paragraph that it is before it.

5. Caught wrestling a match with the teacher (in here it’s a bit confusing was it a sport’s period or just two kid’s playing around and trying to beat the teacher up, if so then how did they were able to do that in school, even if the school was a mess then they could be wrestling each other and not a teacher?)

6. Start a new paragraph in each and every new line of conversation (to prevent confusion)

7. To make a point cleared up to the reader don’t use ( ) but you can show it as a thought of one of the characters using italics

8. Don’t use metaphors; I think it would be better if showed what you mean either by describing the facial expressions without metaphors, or showing the metaphors in thoughts or maybe people making fun of him. (“like the cat that had caught the canary” I think there is a grammar mistake in this sentence also It doesn’t give the satisfaction that you want to show on Justin’s face.

9.“broke into his monologue” for some reason this sounded like a false sentence because it is not a monologue, he was actually talking to Justin and Slick at that moment so either you skip mentioning it or say “ broke into the conversation”

10. Some details are missing “I still got four days” what did Andy mean and what four days is he talking about?

11. Jumping in details again when did the classes started in the core of this mess? (I think the beginning of this part need to be worked on to make the reader understand the story and its events)

12. Don’t tell show “He really didn't want Justin and Slick knowing that the school nerd had gone over to his house.” (I guess that was already obvious when he refused to let her go in his house using the excuse of the algebra work)

13. I think you really need to connect the parts of your story better than that making a break “***”between starts doesn’t mean that you can start on another scene in your story; you still need a good connection on how the characters appeared to be there.

14. Using “family: showing all family members” I think it would better if you used “Andy’s family and the stated the names of the characters” no need for “:”

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it, and the way you showed Tarah's and Andy's characters was great. Looking forward for part three. Good job, keep it up :)
Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

157
157
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a sleepy kid in class, who is shocked to be a partner with one of the girls who he thinks is ugly and a geek, but still I think there are few things you can do to improve this story.

1. Proofread it

2. edit it (there a grammar mistakes, repeated words and punctuation mistakes, confusion due to grammar mistakes ( Opening said door) better be he said while opening the door))

3. I liked how you started your story, showing the city from outside, then focusing more and more into the details, then reaching to the school, then focusing on the window where we found a professor explaining a lecture, but I think you need to connect this part more with the second paragraph maybe it would be better if you started the second sentence showing the professor asking a student to read something from the text book, then a brief discussion then end it with the sentence you started with "And that concludes my lecture today,"

4. I think you need to connect the settings with each other or make some sort of a transition between the settings, because it was confusing at the beginning the narrator is describing the city from above, then the school then the class room, then the sudden leap to the lunch room, then the most surprising and confusing part is finding Andy in the car with his aunt. (It is not enough to make the connection your main character Andy, and run through the events to reach to your next setting, it need more work in the transition.)

5. I think it would be better to show not tell in this story (maybe you can show Andy dreaming about picking between orange and green gelatin and then show his actions and thoughts in the dream instead of having the narrator saying it in his/her own opinion and better to use italics in showing thoughts or " " and not ())

6. Provide names to your characters in the beginning then use it in the rest of the story to avoid saying "the girl" "the professor" and so on. (Better use their names along with their description, describing Tarah in the first part and then re-describing her in the second part is unnecessary, readers will remember her from the first part so you don't need to repeat the description just show her name.)

7. I think it would be better to show the events instead of explaining them (how the feelings of Justin and Slick through their conversation with Andy, don't tell it as in the narrator's voice

8. The narrator's personality who? Where? How? When? (The narrator is not a character in your story, unless you introduce him and actually make him someone telling the story from his/her point of view)

9. Confusing was this Justin words or Slick's "Stealing the locker key out of the...what?" Justin
Suddenly snapped back to look at the other, with the oddest look on his face. If it was Justin then why the oddest look, if it was Slick then put Justin in the next line and not in the same line. (Whenever a new person speaks, start that in a new line to prevent confusion)

10. Logic how can the driver turn back around and talk to the passenger and at the same time is
Able to handle both the road and the conversation, I think it would be better if you made aunt
Mary talking without taking her eyes off the road.

overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it, looking forward for the second part, I liked the way you described the details in the conversation showing the characters reactions, and what they were doing during the conversation *Thumbsup* good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
158
158
Review of Poems and stories  
Rated: E | (4.0)
well, this is a very distinctive, creative and imaginative collection, I liked the way how you collected all these special items in one folder, you showed your passion and your love in the items that are extremely personal to you, and yet you shared it with others and only asked to respect it during the reviews which shows that you need feedback but yet it won't help if it was harsh instead it might be insulting, I liked the way how you showed that in your items.

You collected the things you love the most (personal ones) with the ones you had fun writing, got to admit you are a genius and a very talented and creative writer.

*Xr* I think you need to check the rating of this folder after all it contains up to 18+
Then definitely it cannot be rated E.

Other than that it is a great folder I enjoyed reading it all and also reviewing it item by item, good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it as you wish.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
159
159
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, but for some reason I liked the start about showing the back ground of the character, and showing his childhood where he had family issues, I think I liked this part more because I feel it was written in a much better way than the end, but still there are few improvements you can do to make this story's ending more interesting.

1. Outline it

2. Organize it (jumping back and fourth in the timeline of the story is a bit confusing, I think it would be better to show the background as if it is already happening and then a transition point from the family issues to the dead man hill issues, but set a time line first)

3. Proofread it

4. Edit (there are few grammar mistakes)

5. there are more details that are not needed in the story especially when it comes to the accident part, I think it would be better if you summarized the useless details about the shirt and the boring stuff and start showing the feelings and concerns of the main character and his family, and also describe how did the kid looked like after the accident and while being there on the pavement and blood all around him.

Other than that it is a great story that I enjoyed reading it, and I liked the way you presented the background of the story and the characters. Good job and keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
160
160
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, making an army taking care of a kid, and also not just any army an army of werewolves, got to say you got very creative idea and talented in the writing craft, but still I think it would be better if you made some few and simple developments.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are few grammar and punctuation mistakes)

3. I think it would be better if you added some facial expressions and fearful reactions in this story, especially during the conversation between the characters.

4. Also show the thoughts and feelings of Jason and what were he thinking when he knew that his son died and what was his first thought when he knew that his son was still alive? (Go deeper into your character and know are they going to react. in italics of course)

5. I think it would be easier if you showed more events and action in this story and show the power of was wolves in it.

Overall it was a great story; I enjoyed reading such a creative and original story. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
161
161
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
a very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having a poet that is arguing with himself while writing a poem and then ends up writing a poem say that he is not a poet, got to admit that is impressive and way so unexpected, I think while reading this poem people tend to feel,

1. That poetry has no changed you can say you are not a poet but the facts say you are

2. In the poem you say you can't handle the rhythms and so on but the poem itself says you can

3. showing the giants of the old writings like shake spear adds a new spirit to your poem it's like adding the past with the present and showing that only the words that has changed nothing more.

Overall it is a very creative idea to show all the faults of writing a poem in a poem that is perfectly written. good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your opinion.

Thank you
R.H.N
162
162
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well, I think it is a great idea to advertise other authors and other writings in your own notebook, even if it was your own mom I guess it is a great move that might develop and help this community in the future, here is what I liked about this poem

*Checkb* great poem in a the memory of a mother, memorizing her and also at the same time immortalizing her and making her alive in each and everyone who read this poem and feel the love your mother had for her, and the life she lived to help her family and her children and all those around her, I think this poem has a great value not only to those who knew her or those who were close to her, but also to those who read this poem and get affected by it.

*Checkg* I liked seeing it from a mother's perspective and not a grandchild which makes this poem totally different than the other, and more all about grandmother and a mother who suffered a lot to help her children, grandchildren and her husband.

Overall it is a great poem and I enjoyed reading it, it adds a new experience to see it from a daughter's point of view and to see the love that a daughter holds for her mother even after death. Good job keep writing :)
163
163
Review of On Angel's Wings  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A great poem in a the memory of a mother, memorizing her and also at the same time immortalizing her and making her alive in each and everyone who read this poem and feel the love you had for her, and the life she lived to help her family and her children and all those around her, I think this poem has a great value not only to those who knew her or those who were close to her, but also to those who read this poem and get affected by it.

Overall it is a great poem and I enjoyed reading it, it adds a new experience to see it from a daughter's point of view and to see the love that a daughter holds for her mother even after death. Good job keep writing :)

Thank you
R.H.N.
164
164
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Well, this is one of the most interesting questions everyone asks. could be asked from someone to a writer or a writer to writer or a writer to himself, it is an important question that a writer must answer, to understand himself/herself, and also to understand how to develop his/her talent in writing.
*Checkb* some writers write to get a thought out of their mind. (You explained that perfectly in the first stanza *Thumbsup*

*Checkg*other writers just store the imagination in their head until it becomes a good idea and has an introduction, body and conclusion to write a whole story (you showed in the second stanza but I think you could have done it better than that)

*Checkv* you showed the craziness of the writers while writing sometimes their are vivid and full of life at the beginning and other times they are hardly holding it together and they are lazy, and stop before they finish writing.

*Right* I think you should have showed the other sides of a writer, living the fancy that they are creating, being in their own characters, and so on show the insanity and not jus the craziness of writing.

Other than that it is a great poem I really enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
R.H.N
165
165
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I like the twisted facts, having the wolf kill the grandmother because she deals with military weapons and endanger the country along with red ridding hood, got to admit that it is a very creative idea, that I enjoyed reading it, but still I think there are few things you can do to improve this story.

1. Outline it

2. organize it (there are few things that are not organized like jumping from the story of red ridding hood to the three pigs in the beginning and then jumping to other uncompleted stories at the end, I think better to stick to one story, and make it some kind of a series or something. "The adventures of big bad wolf”)

3. Proofread it

4. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes that need to be checked, like punctuation mistakes, ending the sentence instead of breaking it using a comma, just simple stuff)

5. I think it would be better if you showed that the wolf is writing his diary or talking to someone, instead of being the narrator and the main character in the same time. (Or maybe you could use flashbacks to retell the story in details and give it the sense of reality, even thought it is a fairy tale yet the description and the showing of the story makes it sound real)

6. You showed some of the dialogues yet you didn't show the facial expressions or the feelings of the characters or their exact action while talking to the other character (I think you should add this part, to make it easier for the reader to understand and interact with your character.)

7. I think it would be better if you showed the thoughts of the wolf in your story using italics to make it understandable to the reader and allow the reader to read it without confusion.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job and keep it up

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
166
166
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I liked the idea of having a poem as a memorial, and helping your mom in becoming a registered author and enlarging this writing community is a great idea, but I think what is really great is the hidden parts of this note entry.

*Right* the way of you missing your grand mother yet you made her immortal by memorizing her in a poem which is hard to be destroyed or damaged, her memory is always going to be there in each and everyone who reads it *Thumbsup*

*Right* your memories about her shows how much you love her and how much she loves you, by writing it down and allowing people to read it you don't just make it your memory but make it everybody else, which enables the rest to feel the warmth of the meaning of having a grandmother through your own words and your own memories. (After all not everyone is lucky as you to at least see their grandma *Wink*)

*Right* by keeping some things about her means that she is still alive inside of you and refusing to share this part means you don't want to let go, which shows how hard it is for you to say goodbye, and you show that to the reader in an obvious way.

overall it is a great experience to know and understand the feeling of others through reading their stories, and notebooks and sharing is one of the good and main things in the WDC community so keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your writing.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
167
167
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
That is a very interesting subject to talk about, I liked the idea of having co-authors that would help in many unfinished stories and sometimes open ended stories that keeps you wondering what would happen next.

I think there are few ways possible to avoid this problem

*Right* I think it would be better if other people who read the story, start writing after the original author's death, as a way of paying respects and honoring the author's work same for the experience that the other authors are going to get from completing the unfinished stories.

*Right* I think that some writers would love to have some young writers who have vivid imagination to continue writing their story after them (or maybe others might refuse fearing the deformation of their own piece)

*Right* I think it is going to be more respected if the other authors gave the original author his/her share of credit and also modernized the old writing to enable people to read them in each and every time.

Overall it is a great idea and a good topic to talk about; this might get to a serious debate or maybe a real interview some day with one of the co-authors who continued writing in the same series after the original writer's death. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see it ft to your notebook entry.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
168
168
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well, I think in this note entry you are starting to talk about serious problem, having people not cooperating and not sharing is somehow disappointing.

*Note*I think there are few things should be taken in consideration when inviting someone (the possibilities if he or she might become part of the team, why yes and why not and why maybe)

*Noteg* you should always be friendly not because somebody gives you a bad rating you turn to the angry face, maybe they got a reason behind their words and behind the ratings (to look at the situation from al the prospective available (sometime you only see things as 2D and you need to think of it differently to be able to see it in a 3D model, and sometimes by adding the element of time it turns to be 4D)

*Notev* try not to be biased because that won't give you credibility when you try to invite someone else.

*Noteb* people trust people who they know and not the opposite (nobody trust strangers, so try to attract people to the site with wisdom, and understanding to their needs and what do they want to read about, try to advertise but be wise not too obvious and not too secret.

overall I liked the idea, it give me new experience and teaches me some stuff about how I should deal with other people and also it encouraged me to talk to my friends about the site but in a way they would like (instead of saying tons of writings to read, tons of crosswords and challenging things to do like the competitions and interactive, and lots of stuff on that wonderful site) good job, keep it up *Bigsmile*

Please note that this is my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your entry, or in the way you advertise for the site.
Thank you
R.H.N
169
169
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A very interesting introduction to the promotions and positions on this site, I liked the idea of describing each color on its own using its own colors to make it fit with the description.

*Noter* I think you should make the yellow color more visible by choosing a different degree of the color that could be darker than this one.

*Checkb* I liked the idea of having the idea of case colors that shows the role of each and every color on this site, including the advantage and disadvantage of each

*Checkr* well done with the design and centering them all to sound like a poem when the fact it is just notes showing the design and the importance of each person and each category on this site

Overall I think this entry of your note book should be published as somehow an introduction to the site, especially for newbie’s. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way it fits to your note entry.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
170
170
Review of Oh the Cost  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very impressive, I liked the way you showed the feelings of the soldiers and how they go on protect their countries with all the courage and strength they got, I think there are still few things you could do to make this piece more effective and shows your ideas and the message that you want to send easier and faster.

1. The repetition of the sentence "oh the cost I paid." is like confirm that the soldier has paid the cost where the fact is there is a cost for freedom and they are paid by blood, you show that through his memories and his duty. (I think it would be better if you used each part of the soldier's life and described it as the price he paid to free his country, to save his brother and all that he cares about.

2. "as I became someone I shouldn't be" well I think this part need more explanation, after all soldiers do what they have to do, if they think that their job, force them to become somebody they shouldn't be, that's just because they got a higher calling a real mission to protect the people and their land.

*Checkb* you did a great job to show the feelings of the soldier while doing his mission

*Checkg* I liked the transition parts from his childhood, to being a soldier, to protecting his land, brother and they way you described it is like actually taking the reader through the steps off that soldier's life and imagining it which give a great meaning and shows how expensive life is, yet is it a cheap cost to be paid for freedom.

Overall I enjoyed it and I like the experience there given by the soldier himself. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem

Thank you
R.H.N
171
171
Review of Family Christmas  
Rated: E | (3.5)
a very interesting story, I enjoyed the idea of having someone telling what goes on in his family and house during Christmas, it gives a lot of ideas and experience about culture and tradition, especially to people from different culture, but still I think there are few things you can do to improve this piece.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes, punctuation and word choices, especially in the beginning of the story)

3. I think it would be better if you showed this story through flash back (a boy or a man remembering the last Christmas how everything went, and think of the adventures and the other presents that would come to him, in the future Christmas, I think it is likely to use italics in flash back if you decided to go with that idea)

4. I think it would be better to show the story instead of telling it from the narrator's and the main character's mouth, I think it would be better to add the characters up to make the story, and show their reactions and how they reacted and so on.

5. you managed to get the details perfectly but still you didn't show the love going around the family, you only showed the action and events going on, it's like a slight peak or a quick glance of what happens in that Christmas with this family. (Better go with details and show the feelings not with the presents but with children or nieces nephews and cosines and how they played with each other and how they used their gifts and their guessing of who Santa is and so on)

overall I liked the idea and it is very enlightening to see other cultures and traditions different from mine, and other families, it adds new experience and shows the importance of the family, and I liked the way you showed it at the end of how you described your main character as lucky and that others got difficulties finding such happiness and love, but at the mean time you showed the kind hearted people taking care of these people. Good job, keep writing :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
172
172
Review of Grandmothers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well I guess this poem sounds extremely personal, so I guess it should be reviewed and rated according to how well you delivered the message of your feelings to others.

*Noteb*I think this poem shows the poets love to his grand mother who sadly passed away few years back, and how much he misses her and wish that she was there to read this poem, so he wrote it to every grandmother who shows love and care to her grandchildren and help them when they are in need and keep an eye on them.

*Noteg*to the part that I think concerns only the poet is when he look up to the sky and feel his grandmother looking out for him
"You see that, when it is time to go,
You can look down at us, and say,
"I love you, my grandchild."

*Noter*then the poet moves to his best friend Kathy and describe how she helped him in his hard time, it felt like people need real friends all the time same as they need grandmothers all the time even when grandmothers are not there, just the memory comforts them and make them happy.

*Notev*I guess this poem was written in a very sensitive pointing in the poet's life and this makes it special the complicated feelings and the pure love and miss for both the friend and grandmother. good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and it is only meant for encouragement.

Thank you
R.H.N
173
173
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
a very interesting story, I liked the idea of having the story showing what is going on in the shooting scenes and how they manage to deal with all the mess going on and the noises and how it ruins the shootings, but still I think there are few things you can do to improve this story.

1. Outline it

2. organize it (there are few parts that I think are missing from this scene like, the shooting next to them, why some characters were pleased by it, and also some characters that are essential to the story has no names instead you used "the guy who was playing Ned" sometimes these little and small things confuse the reader and make them unable to understand what is going on in the story)

3. I think you need to show the thoughts of your characters in this story showing italics or at least make them distinguished than the other dialogues, I think it would be better and more vivid if you showed the thoughts of the director in each and every time the scene is cut due to the horse farting and noises and so on)

4. I think it would be better if you showed the facial expressions of the characters along with their gestures (I don't think that their actions are enough to understand their characters at that point.

5. I think if you made a profile to each and every character in this story, that will help you more to develop the characters and show their reactions in the story (show their arrogance, anger, their patience and their thoughts in each and every situation during the shooting the scene)

*Checkb* I liked the way of how you showed the whole story using dialogue and thoughts and describing the whole action through out the story,

Overall I think that this is a great story just need to be polished, or you could say simple touch. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
174
174
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
a very interesting well written poem, I enjoyed the idea of complimenting a friend with this poem, I am sure that she really liked, but I think there are few things you can do to make this poem better.

1. I think you need to reorganize the rhythm of the stanzas together, that would give it a more powerful position and will also in rich the words and make sound like music while just reading it.

2. I got confused in the part where you describe your friend in (fierce as a pike" and then "sweeter than the finest wine" I like the two contradictory part but I think you should make it in a way that shows the different between her positive and negative part, to make it clear for the reader when and why she become angry and violent sometimes and when and why she becomes sweet in other times.

3. I liked the way you described your friend, it shows and expresses the way the poet feel towards his friends and how much he misses her.
I liked the part where he describes her as that she always got the time, makes me feel that she was a real friend who was always there when needed.

*Checkb* the confusions in describing his friend shows how she was looked like in the poets eyes, a very sweet person that he himself had trouble to describe her so he used the sweeter thing he knew which is the finest red wine which makes sense to the reader and make him/her imagine how sweet and helpful his friend was.

Overall I liked this poem and enjoyed reading it, it made me feel how important special friends are, especially those who are always there when needed and how much we miss them, and that they cannot be replaced. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
175
175
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting idea of taking kids to work, especially when the work is somehow delicate or dangerous, but still I think there are few things you can do to improve this dialogue.

1. I think it would be better if you introduced the characters at the beginning and showed who they are, and give some sort of description to their moods, age, and maybe what did they exactly looked like. (To make it easy for the reader to imagine what is going on and try to make it somehow funny in the features of the characters to make it more reasonable to go to the comedy genre)

2. I think it would be better if you also used the external elements of the dialogue instead of just the internal ones like adding the facial expressions and gestures of the characters. (To make it easy for the reader to interact with the characters and understand them.)

3. I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the characters especially during the robbery, you only showed the part of the robber and his kid, maybe you should also show the people working in the bank and how did they react to know that the robber took his kid with him, and also how would they react when they know that the officer decided to hang out with the robber and buy ice cream for the kids (maybe panic, maybe they become out of control in anger or laughter)

4. I like the non realistic parts of the dialogue but I think it has to be more reasonable like (maybe having the officer's son pretending to be a cop and running after the robber's son.

5. I think you made the robber's son sound older than his age by saying "Daddy! Can you play ‘Cops and Robbers’ later?” maybe you could just show the kid's impatience for the ice cream by pulling his dad's pants and yelling "I want ice cream."

Overall I think you presented this story in an inner dialogue perfectly. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my suggestions and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your dialogue.

Thank you for posting this in
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
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