*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhmn/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
559 Public Reviews Given
648 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I check for: *Butterflyb* How well the story is written           *Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers                    . *Butterflyo* Rating           *Butterflyr* Plot           *Butterflyv* Characterization           *Butterflyb*Dialogue           *Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters          
I'm good at...
reviewing stories
Favorite Genres
Fiction, Fantasy, Detective,
I will not review...
True stories or poetry
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 ... Next
126
126
Review of Boxes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a detective is the one who committed all the crimes and trying to cover up his traces through killing, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed this story, all the way through and making the reader interact with it and understands its characters

          2. I think this part need to be more expressed with emotions, movements and feelings to give the reader the impression needed for this situation “He walked out the door and turned his wrath on an unsuspecting vending machine that ate his coin.”

         3.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few word choice “before him” should be “in front of him”, “then and there” I think you meant “here and there” )

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the way you showed the story, starting with an investigation about brutally killing a puppy, and the investigation about it, and how the accused reacted to it and how he was in a disorder state, then moving outside showing the faults of the detective that he didn’t read the file, then another murder occur and the accused is framed and the real murderer get murdered after lots of suspense in the story.

         2. mentioning the boxes part, isn’t enough to relate it to the title I think you need to connect this the events of the story to the “boxes” one way or another to make the title feel more related (unless of course you meant caskets as the boxes.)

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters, in how they react.

         2. I think it would be better to show more about the characters through their backgrounds, ideas, not just action, and show more about how they walk and talk.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         1. I liked the way you showed the whole story in dialogues, showing the reactions and voices of people during the conversation.

         2.I think it would be better to show facial expressions in details and movements during the conversation

         3. this part need to be showed with names, movements and reactions “
“Such an amateur!” A loud crunch followed this proclamation as the detective viciously ploughed his fist into the door of the viewing room.

“What was that?” he asked the tubby detective who was standing with a puzzled look on his face.

“What do you mean?”


*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think you need to show more thoughts of the characters, to show more about them, how they felt, and what they wanted to do but prevented themselves from doing it and so on.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

         edit it, show the facial expressions and movements in details, show more thoughts.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
127
127
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of talking about the writer himself and showing off his works, and giving a brief summary about most of his works, but still there are things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described your stories and how you wrote.

         2. I liked the way you showed the hook and making the reader interested from the beginning by showing the deference of silver spoons and golden pen (but I think you need to show it in a more obvious way, instead of having statesmen, show someone else who writes to make it more comparable.)

          3. The variety you showed in your writing fits the prompt but I think you need to be more focused about the stories you write.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

         2. Organize it (I think it would be better to filter the kind of stories you want to show, wether it’s all the stories you wrote, or just the one about Zena, to make it brief to the reader and easier to understand.)

         3. Proofread it

         4. Edit it (you overuse the word “also” and you need to edit the whole story or assignment starting from this line “Then one day, I was surfing YouTube” )

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the way you show about your work and make this assignment sound more like a profile, showing all your past thoughts and finding WDC and working on your writing.

         2. I think it would be better to show the story from the beginning, like why did you choose writing? What made you start? Motives, and how you started to write as in action? Show glimpses or the whole position you take while writing in bed? And so on. (instead of showing all the stories you write just show the Zena one to be more focused.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          focus on the story how to start, (what, why, how, where, when), show more details about how you started, show the need of writing, and how you find WDC, and what you shared there, and more about your activities on the site.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
128
128
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a fear being conqured by accepting change, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way how you showed people are adapting to the new conditions in life and having new experience by neglecting their fear and allowing some sort of change to conquer that fear.

          2. I think it would be better if you showed the beginning part with different colors or italics, to make the reader get the idea that it is still to happen in the story.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Outline it

          Organize the story and set a timeline to it (it was kind of confusing to start with the future and tell the past, as if the narrator talking to the reader.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the content fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed a man trying to pleasure his wife and showing her new places and making her enjoy her vacation with him, and then teaching her a lesson of how to conquer her fear and her tiredness by both change and determination.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters as determined, loving and caring for each other.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         I liked the way how you showed the emotions of the characters but I think you should show movements of the characters during the conversation, and their facial expressions as in describe it to the reader in details.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character while dealing with his wife to conquer fear, while thinking of her reaction about the surprise and show the thoughts in italics.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          set time line to the story, differentiate between the future, past and the present. Show the expressions in details and show thoughts of the character in italics.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
129
129
Review of Candi from Hell  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a man being a key and chased by demons and angels, to seal the portal but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1.I liked the way you showed the story from two different views but I think you should stick to one perspective (either third person point of view or first person point of view)

          2. connect between the parts of the story

         3. if you are seeing this story from the first person point of view, then why did you direct the second part to Cindy, it would be better to show Cindy as a person interacting with the main character who is also the narrator of the story, and not focus on her in the second part.

         4. show and not tell in the first part show the exact conversation that went between the main character and the first hot girl because simple telling her to get lost isn’t doesn’t really sound logic especially coming from a gentle man who helps women from five men. (just choose one either showing or telling, I would prefer showing.)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1.Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there were few grammar and spelling mistakes.)

         3. To prevent confusion, set the whole story just from one person point of view, jumping from person to person in the story comes completely confusing especially when you are showing part of the same previous parts but from different person point of view.


*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. I liked the way how you showed the main character showing off in his post and then showing the truth about him and his body in the next part, then showing that he is a key to some sort of hell portal and both hell and heaven trying to seal the portal either from inside or outside but two creatures are working together to accomplish this while another is working to do everything by himself and his own demons.

         2. I think you need to add more details like why do they want the portal to be sealed? Why the two enemies are working together the angel and the demon? What’s so special about this portal? What would happen if it was opened? And what would happen if it got sealed for eternity?

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed the characters trying to do their job and tease the other side a bit, and also for the main character trying to show off his importance and brag about capturing a demon, and getting laid with women.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         1. I liked the way you showed the dialogues in the story it showed how the characters reacted and dealt with each other but I think it would be better if you added more about their facial expressions and movements during the conversation.

         2. “"YOU'RE A DEMON, GET OUT!" This time he screamed the words” there is no need for the caps if you already described that it was a scream.


         3. “Case in point, the one whispering in his ear right now.” Time in story is different you tell it as if it is happening in the past so just whispered in his ears and then the reader will expect that this what happened back then so no need to mention the “now” part.


*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character to show more about him and inner thought and how he felt when he knew that he is the key. (sure he had tons of questions wandering in his mind about it.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          choose a point of view to tell the story from, show more facial expressions and movements during the conversation, show thoughts, fix the grammar and spelling.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Thumbsup*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
130
130
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a man so much addicted to death and enjoys the thrill of it that he might reach to an orgasm because of the thrill of holding the gun and putting it in his mouth and feeling the metal and its smell.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1, I liked the way you showed both the inner voice and the main character’s action towards the thrill and death at the same time,

          2. I liked the way you showed the way the main character reacted towards the death feeling and how he felt that he was so close, and kept on looking for new entertainments and thrills.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think you made it perfectly clear for the reader to understand this part and wait anxiety to read the rest of it.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think this could pass as 13+ rating except of course if you are going to add enough content that fits the rating of 18+.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the way you showed a man waiting for his death, and might be reckless enough and addicted enough to the thrill to bring it on himself.

         2. I think it would be better to add more details to the story about him, his friends and about why he reached to that state, and how he reached there.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I think you showed his character perfectly through the conversation between him and himself and how that didn’t affect his decisions but affected his personality, by making grow more hungry to death thinking it was the best way to get pleasure and enjoys it.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I liked the way you showed his thoughts as a conversation between himself, showing the movements and his reactions to his own words or thoughts.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          add a background to his personality in the beginning, show more about the past of this person how he reached to that, show more details about the story.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it and looking forward to reading more of it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
131
131
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a vampire getting into someone dreams first before she convert him into a vampire, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed how the female vampire was way drawn into the man through sex and love (assuming vampires can love)

          2. I think it would be better to show the dream in italics to prevent confusion.

         3. it would be better and more professional if you used “two” instead of 2.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are plenty of grammar mistakes, like “and her gripped tightened” should be “and her grip tightened” )

*Butterflyo* Rating

         No way this goes to 18+ thins should go to GC or XGC check the ratings on WDC.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed the man being so tired that he cannot differenciate between a dream or real life, and he doesn’t remember how he reached to the bed room, and then a vampire came along and she seduced him, made both oral and traditional sex with him and then she converted him into a vampire, the man wakes up and figures that he was dreaming but when he sees the two small holes in his neck he knows that it wasn’t a dream.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed both characters the vampire hungry for both blood and sex, while the man is derived by his fear and inability to control himself while the vampire is around him.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think it would be better to show some of the events through conversation to show more of their reactions and interactions with each other.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think you should show the thoughts of the man while being dominated by a vampire and how she got a hold on him, what was he thinking, what was his reactions that he didn’t dare to admit with loud voice (show it in italics.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show thoughts, conversation, change the rating, show the dream in italics.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
132
132
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having two twins being a troble makers and helping the teacher to get to the wash room as quickly as possible using the wax board, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1.I liked the way how you showed the twins getting up and how you showed them make fun of others while they are the ones who deserve to laugh at.

         2. I think it would be better if you showed more about the backgrounds of the characters in the beginning and explain more about waking up traditions in their family.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are few mistakes that you need to fix like starting another line when the sentence isn’t finished yet, spelling mistakes.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the way you showed two brothers as trouble makers who have their own way in dressing and getting up from bed and going to school, and how they annoy the teachers and through papers in their classes, and how they use wax to make the floor slippery enough to force the teacher to go to the wash room faster the FedEX express.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          I liked the way you showed how trouble makers the twins are and how their friends get punished because of their ideas, and how they are careless in the way they dress yet the make fun of beggars in the streets.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         1. I think you need to show more facial expressions and movements of the characters during conversation.

         2. I think it would be better and less confusing if you showed each character’s line in a new line.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the twins thoughts while they were in class to enable the readers to interact with the characters.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          fix the format of the story, show the facial expressions, show more details and show the thoughts of the characters.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
133
133
Review of In My Eyes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having a man describing his love to his wife and her love to him and how that love changed them and make them grow together and made him a God fearing man, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you showed the time that the two lovers spent and how they both overcome it together but I think it would be better to give more details about so the reader understands more about this hard time and how they got through it together.

2. I liked the way you showed how her love changed him by making him a person who fears God, but I think in this point it need more explanation, like show about his past or the way he became now in details.

3. I liked the way you showed the poem from one side but I think it would be better to show it from both sides, the woman's and the man's show how much that love changed her and so on maybe use different colors to differentiate between the two of them.

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it, Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
134
134
Review of Not mine  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a kid sitting on the plastic swing thinking of his past and what he has lost, and having a gun in his hands, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked the way you described the whole scene and made it easy for the reader to imagine and visualize.

          2. I think it would be better to stick to one person point of view and it would be better to be the third person point of view and visualize it from the kid’s side.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1.Outline it

         2. Organize it (I think it would be better to set a time line to the story, make a profile for the characters, and show the scenes respectively.)

         3. give names to the characters to prevent confusion.

          4. stick to the third person point of view and don’t jump between the first point of view and the 2nd.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1. A boy who lost his father and sister, sits on the swing and think of the past, while carrying a gun and wonders why his mother is keeping a gun, and thoughts wonders in his head, then the ambulance arrive and there is blood, and the kid concludes that his mother isn’t his.

         2. I think you need to show more about the accident, who called the ambulance? What really happened for the blood to appear? How did the ambulance knew about what happened ? (lots of missing stuff in this story that need to be there for the reader to understand more about the plot.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the kid as a disturbed one thinking of his past that’s haunting him, and trying to think that he has a chance but he then realizes that even what he thought was his turned out isn’t.

         2. I think you need to name the characters, show them in their reactions, movements maybe through the kid’s memory.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         1.I think it would be better to show the memory and the thoughts of the kid in italics.

         2. I think it would be better if you stated the kid’s memory of his parents, and sister how they treated him, how he managed to have them as his friends and family, and how he loved him, show it in his thoughts, as memories or as flashbacks.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          name the characters, don’t jump in the point of views, show the memories of the kid in italic, give more details and show more action in the story to complete it and to prevent the confusion of having a missing plot.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
135
135
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way you described the game in this poem, showing how it never ends, and how people always play with different ways and sometimes with the same way, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way you repeated some parts of the poem to confirm the action and how the game reacts but I think it would be better if you changed the words but made it give the same meaning.

2. I liked the way how you described the game making it feels like the game of life, a game that's the same in it's hardness but never played the same way from different players, a game that never ends and continues with danger, not caring for the players in it.

3. I liked the way you showed that in this game the rules changes for no cause or reason, and people still play, they are never bored, and want to play again even after all the danger and misery they saw while playing it.

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
my signature thr sea horse
136
136
Review of Twenty More  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having a mother who made wishes for her children, but still there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1.I liked the way you showed that the main character surprise when she turned to be 20 years older and having everyone didn’t change (I liked it how you made the reader read between the lines to understand more about the characters and their personalities.)

         2. I think it would be better if you gave more details about the three wishes, by whom was the main character’s mother granted these wishes and why?

          3. I think it would be better if you showed the main character the one who starts telling her mom about her new look of young age, instead of directly figuring it out.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think you made it clear for the readers to understand the characters and used simple language to enable the readers to read between the lines and understand both characters the main one and her mother.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the 13+ rating is way to high for this story, ASR or E would be better and it would fit the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the idea of having a woman waking up to find herself twenty years younger, and realizes that she is young and healthy and got her life still ahead of her, then she goes to work to find that her health and beauty is recognized by her colleagues, then her mother calls and then the main character knows that it is her doing, and then starts thinking of how happy she could be by regaining some her lost years back, instead of the depression she felt when she thought that she might live to see all her family members die.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way how you showed the mother’s character caring and always thinking of her children even after they grew up, she still wished for her daughter the youth and health, and for her son the house he wanted.

         2. I liked the way you showed the main character by having her suspicious and always thinking of what will happen in the future and how will that affect her and her life, also caring that she didn’t want anything to change because she was like her mother caring for her children and only happy when they are.

          I think you need to show more her daughter’s character (laughing at her mother when she told her that she became twenty years younger makes it hard to believe can’t the daughter see the change that happened to her mom, was she so sleepy to realize or too lazy to look?) I think it would be better to show her daughter freaking out or cooperating with her.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         I liked the way you showed the characters emotions through the format of your typing the dialogue using caps to show loud voice and so on, but I think it would be better to add their movements and their facial expressions to help the reader be able to visualize it and interact with the characters.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think it would be better to show the thoughts of the main character through the story when she found out she is twenty years younger, show it in italics to prevent confusion.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          add more details and events, show the facial expressions, make thoughts in italics, show more of the daughter’s character.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.*Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
137
137
Review of Always Waiting  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having a man way so deeply in love with his wife that he always wait for her and her kisses, the way the poet describe it with such passion show the true love of this man to his wife, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I liked the way how you showed the way dealt with each other full of love and how they waited for each other whether in bed or in the kitchen.

2. I think it would be better if you avoid the repetition of "always waiting for your kisses" and showed it with different words but the same meaning to make the reader feel and understands the deepness of their love,

3. I think it would be better if you showed the feeling of both the man and the woman and how they waited for each other, show them both with different colors to prevent confusion.

Overall it is a great poem I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
138
138
Review of SPECIAL DELIVERY  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of being stuck in middle of no where without money or gas to fuel the car, and having a kid who is asking to pray to God and tell him that it’s an emergency, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.


*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way how you showed the despair the man felt after his wife left and he was the one left with four kids.

          2. I think it would be better if the sister was the one who went to her mother to pick the children up, after all the main character should be busy with his job, and plus he only had four days left to send his kids away and be completely free for the Military.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think you made it pretty clear about the events, the setting and made the readers understand the reasons of everything except for his wife leaving with another man (I think this part need to be elaborated, what kind of a woman who leaves her 11 months kid and 3 other children who none of them is a teen yet and go with another man? (this part is confusing)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the E rating is fine for the moral of the story but as for the events I think it need to go to ASR or 13+ (in case you want to expand it and add more details about his wife leaving and about his job in the army.)

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the idea of a man who has his wife left him with their four children, and he works in the Military and then his boss get enough of him especially when he cannot pay the bills and letters come flooding to his commanding officer, so he transfers him to another place and gives him four days to get there, he takes advantages of these four days and send his kinds to his mother, but his mother is old and can only take care of the girls, so he sends the two boys by car to his sister, but in the middle of the car runs out of fuel and he prays to God for help and there a man helps him with food and fuel and he sends his kids to his sister safely and he got the memories of this day in his heart.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

          show more about the character like the wife, the mother, the sister, the man who help show it through their movements, how they talked, walked, dressed and so on.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          add more facial expressions and movements to the characters

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          I think it would be better to show the prayer as a thought in italics (since he was ashmed to do it in front of his son, and I think that he was also ashamed to pray out loud.)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show more facial expressions, show more action and details about his wife, show more about his kids, and show the thoughts and prayers in italics.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
139
139
Review of A Simple Spell  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having a woman pleading for her goddess to protect her life and soul and give her the life that she wants and deserve, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. I think you need to change the word "thy" because it isn't flowing with the rhyme.

2. I think it would be better if you showed who is talking and why, what happened to make the poet plead for her life and protection for both her soul and life.

3. I think it would be better if you made it clear about whom and what are the three beasts instead of just showing them through their colors of the true world that the poet lives in.

4. I liked the way how you presented such a unique story in a poem and made it clear and differentiate between the characters.

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1696124 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
140
140
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked having the Andy and Tarah together, and enjoying their free will, but still I think you got few things to do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1.I liked how you showed Andy and Tarah taking turned during the speech in front of the class.

         2. I think you need to show the story and not tell it (in the first part of the story, you told how the class was noisy and disturbed before Mr. Clark enters)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. I liked the way you wrote this part it was short, simple, clear and to the point.

         2.I think you need to avoid using metaphors instead show it to the reader through their actions, movements, emotions. (to prevent confusing the reader and to make the reader able to visualize the story).

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating of this part could go to E rating or ASR, 13+ is a higher than the content of this part.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.After a long week where Andy was avoiding Tarah, and sticking with his friends who annoyed her and made fun of him sometimes, (not to mention the pranks they did in school) Andy and Tarah became friends and showed it in front of the class.

         2. I think you need to show some parts that are missing in this story , (the preparation that took Tarah and Andy to do their speech in this manner and taking turns.

         3. I think you need to show Slick and Justin making their preparations too and the discussion that went on (after all it is hard to believe that the class ended right after Tarah and Justin speech, where are the rest of the students?)

         4. show how worried was Andy and Tarah before the performance not in school but maybe early in the morning in their houses (to make it more believable)

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters Andy and Tarah but I think you need to describe how they walked to give their speech (confidence is not enough show their movement, how they walked to the front and so on).

         2. I think you need to show more about Mr. Clark expressions towards each of the students, (to show who did well and who didn’t)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1. show the side talk conversations (the murmurs between Justin and Slick, the whispers between Andy and Tarah before starting their speech.)

          2. show some of the conversation that were in class before Mr. Clark enters.

         3. start a new line in every new conversation or when the dialogue changes from one person to another.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          show the thoughts of the characters in italics (that include Andy’s whispers to his dead mother)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

         show more details and events to the story, and give more details about the dialogues.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
141
141
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having all story events happen while dancing or while having the music play, but still I think you got few things to do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1.I liked how you showed the characters emotions, how they acted, how they danced and how they dealt with each other.

         2. I think you need to show the story and not tell it (it felt like an overview for a story and not a real story)

         3. I think you need to visualize the story, imagine it as if you are seeing it describe what you see as if you are a part of the story (to include the dialogues in a direct way and don’t use passive)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2.Edit it (there were few things that was hard to understand, “It was only the second time in two years that their holidays-” (this sentence seems to be incomplete.)

         3. Show flashbacks in italics and always start it with indentation (to prevent confusion, jumping through time in the story might make the readers misunderstand the events and their sequence.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the rating fits the content perfectly

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.i liked the way how you showed Louisa and Chris goes to a place where Stacey is the deejay, and Michelle Louisa’s old friend and classmate hits on Louisa’s boyfriend and dances with him after Louisa leaves (in an inappropriate way since she is the best friend of his girl friend) Stacey sends an Sms to Louisa and tells her what happened (Louisa thinks that Chris is not the man she wants after all he didn’t call to check wether she reached home safely or not, and also he leaves her to go home alone in such a late hour) Louisa pays back Chris by changing her status on facebook to single.

         2. I think you need to add more about the feelings of the character (I liked how you made the reader read between the lines to understand the characters, but some things need to be showed and not told.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I liked the way you showed the characters of Chris, Stacey and Louisa.
         2. I think there were few characters that needed more attention if not by their actions then by describing them to the reader to be able to visualize them. (Kimiywi, and the rest of the audience who where there when Michelle danced with Chris)

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1.I think you need to add more details in the dialogue, like the characters feelings, emotions, movements, and actions during the conversation.

          2. use the direct way to show dialogues and not passive, or indirect way, even in the flashback.

         3. start a new line in every new conversation or when the dialogue changes from one person to another.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

          show the thoughts of the characters in italics (to make it more clear to the reader that it’s their thoughts and not the narrator’s comments)

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

         use italics for both flashbacks and thoughts, show the fialogues in a direct way, show and not tell.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

my signature thr sea horse
142
142
Review of Just a Fairytale  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting poem, I liked the idea of having a lover facing the one who betrayed her and called that he loved her yet he left her alone and shattered her heart, I liked the way you helped the reader visualize the idea of the poem, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. The repetition of "Now I’m lying…face down in the dirt…Tears falling" confirms the situation yet you could use other words to prevent repetition.

2. I liked the way you described why the lover is confronting her love by showing him her misery after he left her.

3. I liked the way you show the anger of the young girl after being betrayed and found herself facing someone she don't know a mask that was covering his face all along, concealing his true identity

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Wink*

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1696124 by Not Available.

my signature thr sea horse
143
143
Review of Mama, I love you  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of a mother sacrificing herself for her daughter, and killing her father to protect her from being sold, bit still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          I liked the way how you showed Emma’s hatred towards her mother at the beginning and by knowing the truth everything changed (the change part need to be shown more in Emma’s feelings and actions).

         2. logic: having a father thinking that he might sell his daughter or trade her for his debts it’s kind of impossible (maybe add the twist that she isn’t really his daughter and he is her step father and she doesn’t even know it. )

         3. logic: to trade places with a falling person on the bridge it needs more power and strengths than just pulling her up or having the two of them fall because if the mother succeeded in pulling her daughter up then there is no way for her to fall down and take her place. (maybe the mother will jump to convience her daughter that she is still love her like when Emma threatens that she is going to jump, the mother jump instead and leave the letter.)

         4. logic: waking up in the morgue, I think it would be better waking up in the hospital and having the nurse tell her about her loss and handle her the letter, they only open people up in the morgue, they don’t help to get cured.

         5. I think the girl should ask for forgiveness from her dead mother than just saying she loves her back (logic again)

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. Proofread it

         2. Edit it (there are lots of grammar and punctuation mistakes, same for word choices “eye to eye” should be *Right* “face to face” )

*Butterflyo* Rating

         No this is definitely cannot be E rating (a mother killing her husband, a girl hating her mother and threaten to commit suicide if she get near her) minimum 13+ will fit the content of this story.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         I liked the idea of having a girl having nightmares about her mother who is actually trying to protect her, and the misunderstanding about having Emma feels different when she knows the truth.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I think you have explained the characters very well , a daughter hating her mother for killing her father, a grand mother who encourage the idea because it was her son who died and finally a mother who sacrificed everything for her daughter just in the exchange of the words “I love you”.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I liked the way you showed the movements of the characters while talking and also you showed their facial expressions.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         1. all characters thoughts better be in italics, same for the feelings of the main character Emma.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          proofread it and Edit it, make all thoughts in italics, change the rating, try to make it more coviencing to the reader.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Wink*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

144
144
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of having Justin and Slick complete the sentences of each other but still there are few things you can do to make it better..

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          1. I liked how you showed the close friendship between Slick and Justin.

         2. I think you need to show how the principal took it same for the teachers instead of just telling what happened.

         3. “gimme' expression” it would be better to show it instead of telling it.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. proofread it

         2. edit it (I think you got “tsked” misspelled, “ He had been sitting at the desk in his room for almost an hour now, long enough to grow slightly uncomfortable in his seat. But” never start the sentence with “But” use comma before but not a period. )

         3. reading something from a note or pad need to be italicized and indented.

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think the content of this chapter could go to ASR, or you can add more content that make it fit to 13+rating.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the idea of having Justin and slick at the beginning in school, then teasing Tarah, letting Andy join with them, then he goes home and feel guilty for what he did, then his aunt and uncle takes him to a karaoke bar where he meets Mari and she covience him somehow to go and meet Tarah.

         2.I think you need to stop splitting the story into parts because it all fits to one piece this time.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         1. I think that you added an irresponsible personality to Andy by making him throw the pad and keep the game continuing in the first part, (the flow of his personality doesn’t show that this might be an action he would take, but I think you made it cleat by that part why he has friends like Slick and Justin.)

         2. I liked the way you showed Mari in this chapter unlike how you showed her before cruel and strong but this time you showed her compassionate and helpful.

         3. I think it would be better if you showed Tarah a stronger person and a more nerd than someone who cares for feelings.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          1. "JUST GO!" Tarah screamed out ( I think the capitals already makes it clear that she is screaming so no need for repetition)

         2. I liked the way you showed what where they doing and their feelings while the conversation.

         3. Use facial expressions in details instead of just telling what they looked like while talking.
*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         1. “talking to her in front of his friends was something else.” Show that as Andy;s thoughts and make it in italics.

         2. “ (Because...I threw her out of my life,) he thought to himself” use italics and just say he thought or by using italics you make it clear enough that it’s all about thoughts.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          show not tell, add more the characters, use italics in both thoughts and reading notes, add facial expressions to dialogues.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)


145
145
Review of Moment of Ever  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of taking pictures in some sort of lake.but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

         1. I liked the way you showed the scenes and explained them perfectly, it helped the reader to visualize it.

         2. I think you need to put more events and actions, you only made that at the end try to make it in both the end and the beginning to keep the reader entertained.

*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         I think you need to make things more clear about the lake, and the thunder storm, "click" was sort of weird, I know you try to show when Sebastian took the shot, and the other scene started but I think you could do it in another way. (Show don't tell, use Sebastian's thoughts and words to show the clicks)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I think this could go to ASR rating since the content fits the ASR rating, or you could keep it 13+ if you are going to add content that is going to fit that rating.

*Butterflyr* Plot

          the idea is about a man who went to take pictures and then a storm and lightning starts that cause him to faint.

          I think you need to add more events like his feelings when he saw these pictures, maybe show his relation with his wife in a more detailed way, or maybe give some chat between them.

*Butterflyv* Characterization

         well you showed the narrator's character more than Sebastian, you showed the narrator as a person who likes more details and very specific about them, but you didn't show Sebastian except as a guy who likes pictures and love to be on his wife's lap.

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

         add dialogues between Sabestian and his wife, Sabestian and himself thinking with aloud voice, or add a character and let Sabestian talk to him/her.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         show the thoughts in italics to prevent the user from getting confused.

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          don't use passive while narrating, show more events, add conversations and more thoughts.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

146
146
Rated: E | (3.5)
A very interesting way to show an article, for some reason it sounded like a true story than a real article to me. I think you need to think of it as a short article and rewrite it in an article way.

1. You used dialogues as if you are telling a short story, (I think you should start, "when I was six years old...." and then tell the story and not show it. (Remember it's an article)

2. I liked the way you told how Amber felt and how she decided,

3. I know that this should be less than 100 words so I guess you need to skip some unnecessary details " After another heated argument with her step-mom" I don't think that this part is needed that much (you are only trying to show that you are following the prompt, which is obvious without saying it.)

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
147
147
Review of Strangled  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very interesting poem, I liked the way how you showed the ideas floating around the poet's head and how you explained that in details with contradictions, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

1. Show the effect of these floating ideas not just the details of what happened.

2. Add more feelings instead of actions

3. Show how the stone heart affected the poet (her feelings)

4. I think you need to fix the punctuation.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1696124 by Not Available.
148
148
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting 55 word story, I liked the approach of having dinner and then off to bed with the woman he loves, yet I hated the disappointment when he went off to sleep instead of making it a memorable night to both of them. I think there are few improvements you can do to make it better.

1. Remove the a from "a perfect

2. "And away we go" need to be changed it\s not going with the harmony of the words nor the story.

3. I liked the way you showed the story, and how you made it seem like he is interested in here and enjoyed her cooking and love then falls asleep, I think you should show more of conversation.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fir to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)



149
149
Review of Champagne Day  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of showing the reasons of the start of champagne day, and the way you showed it by letting an old man tell his story to his grandson, but still I think there are things you can do to make this piece better.

*Butterflyb* How well the story is written

          I liked the way how you grabbed the reader’s attention by showing the actions at the beginning of coming out of war and that his grandfather finally considered him a man.
*Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers

         1. proofread it

         2. Edit it (there were few words missing, some grammar mistakes due to the missing word just reread it and fix it.)

*Butterflyo* Rating

         I do agree with the rating I think it fits the content perfectly.

*Butterflyr* Plot

         1.I liked the idea of coming out of war and considered to be a man, the idea of having a family secret tat turned out to be the start of the champagne day was from his great grand father.

          2.I think you need to add more events and details into it, more about the war, more about the grand father’s life and so on.

         3. maybe you can use flash backs and make it in italics to show in details the style of life in the past and how the champagne day became so, instead of narrating it from the grandpa’s point of view.


*Butterflyv* Characterization

         I liked the way how you showed the characters yet you need to show more, how were their reactions, after war, why did they react like that?

*Butterflyb*Dialogue

          I think you need to add movements and facial expressions to the characters while they talk, not just their tears and voice sounds.

*Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters

         I think you should add some thoughts to the main character and make them in italics and show how he felt when he knew the secret and how it began. Show his feelings when his grandfather called for him what was his thoughts then?

*Butterflyo*The idea and summary of how to improve

          edit it, show more events and details, and facial expressions and movements, show more about the characters through their thoughts and feelings.

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up. *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

150
150
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting poem, I liked the way how you showed the tree at the beginning and how you described the soil and grass from the plant's point of view, but still I think there are few things you can do to make it better.

1, I liked the way you showed how summer affected the plant but I think the fall is where the plants are really affected and they lose their leaves in it. So I think it would be better to describe how the plant kept holding till the fall but at the end it lost during the end of the summer and the beginning of the fall.

2. I liked the way how you showed the reader the point of view of the plant but I think it needed more description of how it tried to absorb water from the soil but couldn't because the soil was dry and so on (you can add a lot of drama in this part)

3. I liked the way how you showed the seed finally finding its own place in the soil and decided to live there, (I think you wrote that part in an awesome way to help the reader imagine and understand the feeling of the seeds, and go deeper into your poem.)

Overall it is a great poem, I enjoyed reading it. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1695090 by Not Available.
198 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhmn/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6