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I check for: *Butterflyb* How well the story is written           *Butterflyg* If it is easy to be understood for the readers                    . *Butterflyo* Rating           *Butterflyr* Plot           *Butterflyv* Characterization           *Butterflyb*Dialogue           *Butterflyg*Thoughts of the characters          
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176
176
Review of Cowgirl  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
an extremely interesting story, I liked the idea of how that female officer got the name of being a "cowgirl" I liked the idea of how you thought about this story and how you described in details and the way you showed in each and every single detail by telling it to the reader, yet there are few things you can do to make this story better.

1. Organize it

2. Outline it (there are few things that need more attention like "the magazines oh her coffee table" while she is walking in the aisle and she missed her home? this need to be more clear)

3. Proofread it

4. edit it (there are few grammar mistakes and punctuation same for word choice, starting with "but" is never a good idea, I think you need to reorganize the construction of the sentence or maybe show her thoughts at that time using italics to make it sound more real and make the reader interact with her character more less intimidating that "male officers" I think you mean female officers" or maybe you were talking about someone else other than her.)

5. I think it would be better if you showed her ideas instead of stating them, and make them in italics to make them more clear (especially when it comes to the officer while she was asking for backup, show her ideas and the conversation itself and show her feelings and facial expressions and then transfer it to the courage or reckless decision she made by going on to face the man alone without backup since she thought it would take more time)

6. i think it would be better if you created a whole background to the attacker and show why he did and what he actually wanted (because I think you only showed one side perfectly and that was the officer’s side, yet you had to main characters but you didn’t give them equal attention, I think this second character need to be worked on)

7. it would be better if you showed the man's face while being attacked from the officer, describe it from either the third's person point of view or from the officer's point of view, and also describe the feelings of both and their thoughts during the fight

Overall it is a great story, I enjoyed the idea and I felt that it made me gain more experience by reading it, good job, keep it up *simile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
177
177
Review of Screaming Kettles  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of this being taken from a real event, and also I liked the way you showed Joe's feelings and his reactions towards danger, but still I think there are few things you can do to make this story better.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are few grammar mistakes and some words are missing like "what he was about to" you forgot "do" at the end)

3. I think it would be better to show Joe’s thoughts from his own prospective using italics (to make it more interesting and less confusing)

4. I think it would be better if you described the facial expressions and the character's reactions in the dialogue (to make the reader interact more with the characters and feel that he/she is a part of the story)

5. I think the part of lying under a train is kind of impossible to be back in one piece after that, maybe you made this a part to make it somehow fiction but I think if that was your intention better show some logic and mention ripped off t-shirt or something to show that he came out alive by a miracle.

6. I think it would be better to show the part of his father and mother in flash backs and in more details (to make it less confusing and to allow the reader to know the background of Joe your main character in this story)

7. you made four boys in this story as where the action takes place between them, yet you only show two with their own personalities and ignored the rest (if the others didn't have effect then I think removing them would be better so that you don't confuse the reader with having lots of characters that don't have a real role in the story)

Overall it was a great story, I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
178
178
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! a very interesting retelling of modern pan, I liked the idea of having orphans in a tree house who think of themselves as lost and not abandoned, it is a good way to be optimistic and try to look at things from the a positive way a child's point of view, but still I think there are few things you can do to improve this short story.

1. Proofread it

2. edit it (some sentences were ended too early and other sentences you began using "BUT" which is not a good way to start a sentence, "had yelled" better be just "yelled”, word choice "drug" better be "pushed him in", practically yelled with excitement better take out practically, "at that" sounds like as if something missing from the sentence and the sentence is not yet complete, when he gets back not when he got back.)

3. I think it would be better if you used some flash backs in this story (like: "he told Jonah on his first day", the conversation between Jonah and his father)

4. there is a paragraph where you showed what happened in a week or two only in few sentences, that’s called skipping events I think it better be in details and show the real events that happened instead of just run through them quickly (people need more details to interact with the story)

5. Describe the facial expressions in the dialogues (especially when it comes to questions by baby boy, sure at this part you will have a lot to describe in his face, hope, and somehow ignorance)

6. try to give an idea of between who the conversation is, I think it would be better to introduce the orphan kids then make the conversation with them

7. Giving opinion about the characters using the narrator’s voice could be confusing I prefer to make it a thought for Jonah and use italics to do it

8. nicknames should appear that Jonah is the one saying them and not the narrator in the 3rd person point of view (to show why the rest of the characters aren't annoyed of it and why do they liked it or why some don't care about it, instead of just explaining it in a text, show it in a dialogue or thoughts.)

9. New sadness appears at the end like the transformation of his father (which is not understandable, I think it would be better to show in details at the beginning and in the rite time of the story the sadness and the happiness of Jonah to make it all understandable by the reader)

overall it is a great story I really enjoyed reading it, I liked the way you showed the kids and how they interacted with Jonah same for how Bella loved Jonah and gave him the flight ticket to London, but I think this part needs more logic into it to describe more about Bella and her position, and also about the director, other than that it is a great story, good job and keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
179
179
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow! a very interesting poem, I liked the idea of all paths leads to the same way reminds me with the old saying "all roads lead to Rome" but I guess the real moral should be if you don't know where are you going then any path will get you there. I think there are few things you can do to improve this poem and make it more easy to understand and easy to read.

1. I admire your talent in following the rules of poems, and choosing the right rhyme and making it sound like a song going on all the way from the beginning to the end yet I think you need to proofread it and edit it (in a grammatical way and take off or add the needed words, like for example "O my master. I think it would be better and easier if was O master)

2. I think you need to make a choice whether to use " " or not and if you used it I prefer to be in one sentence short it up to fit in the poem in one sentence or remove the " "

3. I think there is no need to the (...) in the last line of the poem except to make it fit in the reader’s eye and not to the readers ears.

overall it's a good poem that clarify your point and feelings about the idea of all paths leads to the same place and showing the confusions at the beginning, really makes it flow like a story or a part of the story where the main character is lost and looking for a way and then realizes that all ways leads to the same thing. Good job, keep it up.

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your poem.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
180
180
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well a very interesting two haiku's describing the tress and imaging their actions, making it a very interesting way to imagine and think of the tress and making it vivid. But still I think there are few things you can do to improve it.

1. I liked the idea of it and also the way you followed the rules of haiku.

2. I think it would be better if you made it (calm trees instead f having such a first long sentence in haiku "I see to calm")

3, I think you made a good job making the reader visualize the idea you are showing in this haiku but I think you need to proofread it and choose other word choices to make it clearer.

4. make simple, easy clear and to the point without ignoring the rules of the haiku.

Overall I liked it and enjoyed reading it good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to this haiku.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

181
181
Review of Paper World.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting idea and a story for the 55 word story contest, I liked the part where you show the emotions of the man praying for his son to be cured from a heart disease I short words, got to admit it is very creative. But still I think there are few things you can do to make this story better.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are few word choices I think you should fix like inquired better be simple like “he thought”)

3. I liked the idea of showing his hope in the beginning and taking it away in the middle and renewing it at the end of the story (nice flow of events and emotions as well)

4. I think you need to show why some of the words are bold as far as I remember that the 55 word story contest doesn't require a special prompt it only requires a 55 words story and you already did it (the why did you made some words in bold?)

5. I think it would be better short story if you showed it as a conversation between the father and his god and on saving his son's life using a dialogue and adding thoughts would give it more spice and make the readers interact more with the story.

6. I don't get the idea of the title did you mean the holy books or religious books because papers doesn't really make sense, I think with such short story you better be straight forward.

Overall it is a great story I enjoyed reading it, good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
182
182
Review of Noble.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story, I liked the idea of defending the nature of James; also I liked the action and drama going on, the betrayal and the suicide. Adding one female character to the story sure gives it its spice and makes more exciting, still there are few things you can do to make this story better.

1. Outline it and organize it (you need to choose in what way you are willing to tell the story, to prevent confusions I suggest using the third person point of view)

2. Proofread it (there are many grammar mistakes, some sentences only had one word, and others had wrong construction but it is better after you modified it)

3. I think it would be better to show the facial expressions and emotions in the dialogue (this gives more action and makes the reader interact with the story.)

4. I think you need to show a way to make the thoughts more obvious (I prefer italics and you only used that in the part of the other boy)

5. I liked showing the note in italics and making it clear that Noble is reading something out of the laptop

6. I think you need to show that Emily and Noble got their finger prints on the laptop or state that Emily was holding it with gloves or something (because this part doesn't make sense, having his finger prints but not hers, yet she is the one who handed it to him on her sleeves which makes it extremely difficult to carry, she must have touched it somehow before putting it on her sleeves, also shy would the research team cleaned it up, it is considered to be evidence)

7. I think you need to describe more details in this story, to show how the action flow, like why would Noble wear Emile's clothes and why would he let a the team beat him up with her clothes (I think this part need more elaboration and show his thoughts)

8. I prefer you stick to one point of view because switching from the first point of view to the third point of view and having the narrator talking to the reader is extremely confusion

9. I think you should rate this story as 18+ and also classify it as gay/lesbian because young adult is not enough.

Overall I really enjoyed reading it, I enjoyed the way you mixed the drama and emotions and brought some tragedy giving the reader all the emotions during reading your wonderful story. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion nothing more and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you for posting this in
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
183
183
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
a very interesting story, I liked the idea of preventing alien artifacts in the markets got to admit it's very creative, but I still think there are few modifications that can be done to make this story better.

1. proofread it

2. edit it (there are few grammar, punctuation mistakes and word choice issues)

3. the way you introduced the story at the beginning is fine but I think it would be better if you started showing instead of telling the story (set a time line for the story then start showing the events and reasons of their mission on Hakan

4. I liked the way you showed anger in the characters words and described it, yet it could be better if you described their facial expressions and their tones in a more detailed manner.

5. there were parts where you showed thoughts right after telling the story which makes it confusing so I think it would be better if you used italics to make the thoughts more clear and not to confuse the reader

6. I liked the idea of being on a different planet and caring for the people in it and yet in the same time there is another mission in another place I liked that time conflict issue and the trust part but maybe you can show it through dialogues and communications directly with their own command, instead of just fighting each other through it.

7. I think you need to recheck the rating on WDC because I think this story could pass in 13+ unless of course you are willing to add more to it that fits the 18+ rating.

overall I really liked the idea of this story, and it was a great experience to be on another planet and see the story from different perspective an alien's perspective. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
184
184
Review of Not Without Sight  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! A very interesting story, I liked the idea of being blind and help the people get home when it is dark, though the ending was tragic because of her grandmother's death, but got to admit it wasn't expected, but still I think there are few more things you can do to make this story better.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are grammar and punctuation mistakes)

3. I think it would be better if you showed the emotions of the main character and the others by describing their voices if you showed it through the main character's point of view. (It is still hard to believe the leap of pain and sorrow for the grandmother's death to the hope that she would be able to do her work)

4. I think it would be better to show this story through dialogues and show the words and behavior of each character (that will help more in the characterization and will make the reader understand more about the characters.)

5. In the story you show both the words said by the main character to the reader and the thoughts of the main character, I think it would be better to differentiate between the thoughts and storytelling by using italics

6. I really liked the plot but I think it could be more effective if you showed the background using flash backs or something.

Overall I enjoyed reading the story, it was a great experience to see it from a blind's perception and also I liked the way you described everything through the perception of the main character. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
185
185
Review of Simon's Home  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! A very interesting story and the way you showed the memory of the character and explaining every details is great, I really enjoyed it, but I think there a few modifications you can do to make this story better.

1. Outline it

2. Organize it (the way you run the memories are great but I think it could be better to set a time line to the story and think of the beginning and the end in a more organized way)

3. the flash backs are great I liked the idea of making them in italic and shows them like glimpses but I think it would be better to show the facial expressions and the dialogues between the characters in the memory, or the thoughts back then. (Just to make the reader interact with the characters instead of just watching them through words.)

4. I think it would be better if you showed the details of how he lost control and became unable to pay the bills and take care of his family (sure they had fights, definitely there was some kind of pressure on Simon from is wife, show it in flashbacks, memories, thoughts or anything else but show it not tell it)

5. Show the thoughts of other people in the story and don't tell it, show their facial expressions, their moves (I think maybe they were teasing Simon or annoying him, show it how?)

6. I think it would be better if you connected the paragraphs together like "the alley was dark. random bits....." and so on I don't think there is no need to have a sentence consisting of three words to stand on its own especially if it is described in the next sentence that is in the other paragraph. Same for "they were dead wrong." the answer is found in the next sentence of (why were they were dead wrong?)
Overall I really enjoyed the story, it is one of the most interesting stories, I liked the way you showed the character of Simon in misery and happiness and the way he thought of drinking. Good job, keep it up *Smile*

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you for posting this in
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
186
186
Review of Perceptions  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting article, I like the way you are looking at it and the way you want peace, but I think you need to think of some points that should be helpful to your article.

1. Edit it (there are few geographical mistakes that I think you need to do a research on, like Jordan and the Midetterian Sea.)

2. The Arab world consider that Palestine is colonized by Israel (and yet they refuse to admit that Israel is a country, the spot of Israel in they maps doesn't exist and Palestine is stated there instead)

3. the Arab world are communicated with the Palestinians and there is a war going between Palestine and Israel but the thing is it's not about number it is about technology (the Palestinians reproduce by hundreds everyday for the fear of extinction and they fight using rocks while Israeli fight using weapons and high technology compared to what the Palestinians can afford

4. the Arab world doesn't want war with Israel due to both fear and no one wants blood shed in their lands ( in the real old days when the war started after the joining some countries together under the Arab world, Palestine was considered one, some countries interfered to help, they got some parts of their own countries controlled by Israel after they lost the war to help the pales tines and in another war made after that some countries signed peace treatment with Israel and considered to be traitors to the Arab just because they wanted peace)

5. The news in the Arab world doesn't stop without listing the slaughter that happens everyday in Palestine and about the kids who were murdered in the arms of their parents.

6. It is not a war for anything but for taking control of the land, the Promised Land by the God of Israel since the Jews still don't believe that they killed their own messiah, they still believe that their land is still given to them by God.

Overall I liked the article it brought back some of my knowledge, and some experience of what I saw and read in the news. Good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my point of view nothing and some facts, you are free to use it the way it fits your article.

Thank you
R.H.N
187
187
Review of A Ship of Thieves  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
a very interesting idea of a story I liked the idea of having a thief on board but stealing a piece of bread, I think there has to be something more than that just a little bit. I think there are few modifications you can do to make this piece better.

1. Outline it

2. Organize it (set a time line, describe the characters and introduce them)

3. in the beginning of the story you show more than one character and yet you don't explain their personality enough to make the reader go along with it (I think it would be better if you described the queen, showed the flash back where the main characters got the leadership of the ship

4. I think it would be better to show the thoughts and feelings of the thief after being caught for stealing bread (show his thoughts and feelings in italics instead of just showing his pain and agony after being punished

5. Show more expressions on the faces of the characters during the dialogue, and also show their actions and their eyes how it looked like (all these helps the reader to understand more about the characters.)

6. since its a ship I think you should mention the sea, give it more action (like for example the waves rose higher when the thief was caught or maybe when he was punished, show some anger of the sea and how the crew dealt with it, and how was the thief captured during the circumstances and so on. I think you can add more drama into it to make it more exciting)

Overall I really enjoyed reading it, a wonderful story, and good job, keep it up :)
Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you

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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
188
188
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very interesting story but I thing wrote it thinking of the details instead of the real action. You described the part of the grocery and forgot to describe the feeling after seeing Jimmy. I think there are few things you can do to make this a better story to read.

1. Outline it

2. Organize (try to skip some of the details and replace them with some action, or maybe you can start the story after seeing Jimmy, and go with flashbacks to describe what actually happened)

3, I found it confusing that the dialogue between the main character and himself or herself is not between ““I think you should use these ““just to make it easier for the reader to distinguish between the telling of the story and actually showing it.

4. I think it would be better if you used italics to show the thoughts of the main character while looking for Jimmy and being scared and so on

5. I think it would be better if you showed the feelings of the main character when Jimmy came to the scene and try to continue the story to let the reader know what happened next because this open ending that way is confusing it leaves the reader wonders (did Jimmy committed suicide, did the main character came in while Jimmy was doing something he wasn't supposed to do all these should be explained to the reader through showing the story.

Overall it’s a great story, I enjoyed reading it, good job keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)
189
189
Review of Escape  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A wonderful surprise to find out that the main character is a fly, got to admit I didn't expected that the screaming couple were in a TV show. I liked the idea of thinking like a fly and getting inside its own mind but still I think you can make this story better.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there were few grammar mistakes I think you should fix them)

3. I think it would be better to show the fly's thoughts using italics and differentiating it between the thoughts and the story it self (because it seems that the two are mixed somehow and it's hard to differentiate between them, also it might be confusing to some readers)

4. I think it would be better to show the facial expressions and the emotions of Bill while he was turning off the TV, and ending the fly’s life to give more details and passion to the story.

5. I think it would be better to show the tones of Ira and Bill in the conversation and what was Ira doing when Bill was turning off the TV.

6. I think you need to check the ratings on WDC, because I think this story should go to 13+ due to some sort of violence in it.

Anyways it was a great story, I really enjoyed reading it good job, keep it up!

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

190
190
Review of The Aftermath  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
a very interesting story, I enjoyed the idea of having a vampire in love with a human and literally cause his death without feeding on him, but the vampire hunters actually hunt him, thinking that he is a vampire because he was with her, but still I think there are few modifications or improvements you can do to make this story better.

1. Outline it

2. Organize it (set a time line and differentiate between the memories, the actual thoughts of Kara at that time, and the present.)

3. I think it would be better if you showed Kara's thoughts in italics after David’s death, and during the fight and also during the sun rise when she decided to die holding David's hands in water (show her expressions and not just how the thoughts of the hunters came to her)

4. Show the conversation between her and David, in the old days before he dies, (maybe you can use flashbacks to make seem more convincing)

5. Show the anger that fired in her after David's death it's not enough to show her actions, (After all she is a vampire I think definitely she went crazy on them and decided to feed on few people or hunters till they die as a matter of revenge)

6. Show her thoughts about telling the truth to David (definitely she hesitated, think how she felt then and how she felt now and compare them to show how her life changed after the death of her lover)
Anyways I enjoyed reading the story it was a great experience for me good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

191
191
Review of Immunity  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Wow! A very exciting story, I actually enjoyed reading it. love being cured as if it was a disease, and then giving Don a fake shot got to admit that’s extremely creative, I liked the imagination but still I think there are few things you can do to make this story a better one to read.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit it (there are lots of grammar mistakes, word choices and some repetitions that I think not really needed in the drama of the story or can be replaced by other words)

A. Standing over him *Right* in front of him

B. Lost his job *Right* lost it (because you mentioned it earlier)

C. But it was not matter *Right* didn't matter (advice don't start with but)

D. Using figure to describe the thing in his dreams *Right* monster or beat (I think it would be more clear that way)

E. But no *Right* try to make the sentence grammatically correct because this one has only two words

F. Very, very *Right* use extremely or anything else but don't repeat the word twice in the same sentence

G. Numb *Right* I think "ease" would be better in that place

H. The nagging voice *Right* I think it would be better to make what the voice says inside " " to make it easier to recognize plus it is actually a conversation

I. "And suddenly" *Right* I think it would be better to use just "suddenly" or continue with the next sentence without those two words (I advice never to start with "And”)

J. Had lose *Right* had lost

3. I think it would be better to show don's thoughts using italics and actually saying that it was his thoughts then, instead of having a whole paragraph telling his thoughts instead of showing them.

4. You used the word "you" in this story while you clearly showed that you are telling the story to the reader I think it would be better to make it Don's thoughts instead of having the narrator talking to the reader.

5. In some parts of the dialogues you showed the expressions of the characters and in others you didn't, I strongly suggest you go through the dialogues again especially the one with Gloria because it would be better to know her facial expressions and Don's feelings after the meeting inform of Alicia's tomb.

6. I think it would be better to show the fear Don felt when he looked in the mirror and found the figure of his dreams instead of his own face; I don't think it’s enough to show his misery

Anyway, I really liked the story, it was fun and a great experience to read, good job, keep it up :)

Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

192
192
Review of When Hearts Bond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! I really liked the story, got to admit you surprised me at the end I kept thinking that the main character was a female until the love part; you didn't really give any indication about the gender except at the end or maybe you left the reader wonder about it. But I liked the surprise *Smile*. But I think you need to work on this short story more, there are few improvements that can be made to make it better.

1. Proofread it

2. Edit (maybe to fix the confusion of the gender or maybe write in the third person point of view to make it more clear)

3. I think you need to work more on the characterization and show their emotions after each line they say in the dialogue like their facial expressions their tones and so on that will help that reader to understand the characters more

4. You showed the thoughts of the main character but yet you confused the reader whether these were the main character's thoughts or just the main character is telling the story (to avoid these confusion use italics to show the thoughts of the characters)

5. about the part of the policy violation that made Abena bring gifts to the main character i think it would better be as a flash back to help the reader know exactly what happened and show details because it seems fuzzy right now, I think it need more details

6. the reactions also need some work after kissing Abena you should mention Abena's feelings, or at least her action did she repel, kissed back what did she exactly do?

7. I think the rating is too high for this short story, I think 13+ would do, except of course if you wanted to add more passion into it I think you should check the ratings on WDC to check it out and make sure you got the right rating.

Overall I really liked reading this story, and I enjoyed it. Good job, keep it up :)
Please note that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story

Thank you
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

193
193
Review of The World Goes On  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very interesting story, I really enjoyed the expressions of feelings in there as if it was going to explode from the words. But I think there are few things that you can do to make it better and make it more understandable.
1. Proofread it

2. Edit it

3. use italics to show thoughts because I think that there are few sentences were meant to be inner voice or thoughts that haunted the main character Kelly (like: Put it behind her? It felt like it would always be right here in front of her. This would better be Kelly’s thought to make the reader reacting with the story the way it should be "just an opinion"

4. I liked the expressions showed with in the dialogue but still I think that few more can be added (like she said hello with sorrow after remembering her husband's death.)

5. I liked the characterization you showed her love in few words and showed how annoying lawyers can be in such cases I think that’s really remarkable

Overall I liked the story, and enjoyed reading it good job, keep it up :)

Please remember that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

194
194
Review of Summer Nights  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Interesting story but yet confusing, the most confusing parts in it is this it is story in a story. Which makes it difficult to keep up and understand it; I think you need to work on it to improve it.
1. organize it (the flash back in 2 different times are difficult you start by being seventeen and then in the middle you describe when the main character was 10 and back to an adult, also you move in the flash back as if you are showing the story but the fact is you are showing the story to the main character's grand son.

2. outline it (rearrange the story because it is confusing to start with present day and move back and forth in the past, some parts were no need to be mentioned. or maybe you could choose one story to be written in this one. or maybe you should start with the flash back and end at the present day (just a suggestion)

3. Proofread it

4. Edit it (there are few tenses and typos mistakes I think you show revise it)

5. Show the expressions of people in the dialogue and describe their facial expressions to make the reader understand their characters and be more evolved in the story.

6. I liked the idea of the flash back but I think you need to work on the tenses make it seem like the grand father is telling the story and maybe have the grand son interrupt him and ask some questions.

7. Divide it there are many stories going on maybe you can choose one and make the rest as another parts of the story or maybe fix the time line.

8. The characters need to be more emotional and more described in the story, you show the curiosity of the kid and the fear of the grand father, but that’s not it sure each one of them had more into it than just fear and curiosity.

9. The plot needs some organization to set the setting and the characters and make them move together in a smooth way without confusing the reader about the time line.

Overall I liked reading it especially the part about the witch. Good job keep it up :)
Please remember that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you for posting this in
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
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#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)


195
195
Review of The Closet  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very interesting story to read but I think you need work on it to improve it, there are lots of things in it that could be improved and changes to make it a better piece to read.
1. Proofread it.

2. Edit it (I think you need to check your word usage because I think that some words aren't really what you mean like for example "open his eyes a crack" and "it was just open a hair" it is obvious what you want to say but I still think you can use better ways to show it instead of a crack and hair.)

3. You told the whole story instead of showing it (I think you should make the narrator sees it from Sean's prospective, and describe all what Sean saw and felt in complete details.

4. Use dialogues when he remembers the conversation between him and his father ?(it is much more fun to read the conversation in a dialogue and to show Sean's feelings back then and his father's reaction and expressions.)

5. Show Sean's thoughts instead of just telling them, try to involve the reader more into the story, because it appeared like an overview to a story instead of a story it self (use italic to show the thoughts.)

6. The fear of darkness and the skeleton of the Halloween party is explained but I think you need more details and to stop repeting the beating heart (use other words to show his fear.)

7. Explain the characters more, you showed it pretty well with Sean but you didn't show enough of his father, (maybe you can use flashbacks and conversations to show that.)

Anyway I liked reading the story, actually enjoyed it. Good job, keep it up!
Please remember that this is only my opinion and you are free to use it the way you see fit to your story.

Thank you for posting this at
 Reviewing stories NOW OPEN  (13+)
a forum to review stories all kinds and all ratings
#1680858 by Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

196
196
Review of The magic of home  
Rated: E | (3.5)
a very intresting story to read but i think you need work on it to improve it, there are lots of things in it that could be improved and changes to make it a better piece to read.
1. proofread it
2. edit it (findig i not capitalized was annoying, same as forgetting to put space between the words)
3. i think it would be better if you mentioned the past in flash backs, to show how the family grew and so on and what attracts the character the house.
4. it would be better showing thoughts of the character in italic and actually expressing them instead of just mentioning the feelings of the main character.
other than that it's a great story i enjoyed reading it , good job keep it up :)
197
197
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
very intresting story but i think you need to work on it to improve it.
1. proofread it
2. edit it (it was really annoying to refer to mom as him in the second paragraph)
3. i think you need to change the rating to 13+ since that people beated up a man to death in the last paragraph
4. i think you need to work more on the time line of the story you cannot go back and forth without informing the reader, i think it would be better if you fixed the time line and then used flash backs to go to the past and visions if you wanted to see it from the future's prespective.
5. i think you need to work on the main character because it is pretty confusing to have scott and the man and then I as the same character, i think you need to organize your thoughts for this story to make it clear.
6. i think you need to work on the characters and the setting at the beginning on the way you introduced them to make it more clear to the reader, because the way it is now, it seems like it all messed up and need to be organized.
(please remember it is only an opinion, that you can use to help you improve nothing more)
i really enjoyed the idea of happy pills but i think you need to come up with a name to those pills, and explain what they do in the story and why do people take them and so on.
good start, i really enjoyed reading it, good job keep it up :)
198
198
Review of The Wrong Vampire  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
it's an intresting story line, but i think you need to proofread it and edit it. also it think you need to write in a way that is more intresting to the reader, some of the scenes at the beginning were hard to imagine. you need to think of it from a reader's point of view. such a story can make a wonderful effec on the reader especially after this tragic ending. you choosed a person who is dependant , weak personality controls him and due to him not understanding the dangers of being a vampire he ends up dead. i think it would be better if you showed his thoughts, his feelings. as if he is the one talking to the reader use italic to show that. also it would be more fun if you made the details of his mother less since she is only important to show how dependant he is on her. other than that it is a good idea of a story just need to be polished and changed to a story were the reader connot blink while reading. good job, keep it up
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