Another home run. I have a piece I must send you. I kept interesting spellings of word my students used I and wrote a little ditty with them. You are at your best when you play with words. Most fit in so well and I don't hear any groans from the peanut gallery as I read them. My favorites: Koka-Koala and MacGibear. My forays into homophone-ville usually is just ridiculous. Yours always seem normal. Sorry to keep withing the humor sections of your work; it's just too enjoyable to move out. Besides, I don't do blushes very well.
Is this great or what? I love my animals: one psychotic dog, a one-eye cat whose a hunter extraordinaire, 3 guinea who eat the ticks and keep them off me, and one house cat that I think is a human reincarnated.
Glad you gave the word abstruse and defined it. Most people would think you meant obtuse which, while close in nature, do not share the same connotations. Good call. Love the fact that you use different forms. I like forms, but the more intricate they are the more trouble I have writing something that makes sense. Good job!
Great play with words. I'm inspired. I enjoyed reading it and smiled as I did. Flash fiction is a favorite of mine.
My only comment is to cut the two cliches and write your own:
Dragging himself out of bed
Look at the bright side
I also wondered if I read this incorrectly: thinking of sinking basement. I think it should be the sinking basement. This can be fixed quickly by taking out the "Well,"
Hysterical in a sometimes subtle way. Very well written and descriptive while tickling my funny bone.
I too am a duct tape solver of problems. In the classroom I would use bright red duct tape to fix any dress code violations. My usual "repairs" included any blouse in which I could see "bosoms" or any part of; shorts or skirts too short; and blue jeans with holes in them which were, of course, against the rules. I also fixed my refrigerator door with it. The plastic cross bars that hold bottles in the door broke rather early on. Thus, my solution.
Usually in reivews I don't spend time recalling my adventures, but since I could find no mistakes or poor wording--I'm sure from your years in journalism--there was little else to do. Rixy
Well said. I'm with you. Hell, I'm trying my best to keep the 50s around a little longer, but apparently they only exist in my mind now. As a teacher who has just retired after 38 years of teaching high school students English, I would like to go on the record as saying that the depths to which our students have sunk is the parents faults. I still had great students. but guess what? They had parents who parented them, not parents who wanted to be their student's best friend. They didn't distrust their students, but they still checked upon where they were and what they were doing. We need the responsible parenting fad back with it's family interaction, family meals, and family vacations. Excuse me, while I step down off this soap box. You had a great article.
A 5 for your story, a 5 for you and your husband. Tony gets a 5 for fight through and Kellye gets a 5 for living through it all just as you and your husband have. This should be required reading before adopting, especially children from abroad when God only knows what their lives might have been like. You and strong people and how your marriage survived this I will never know. God bless and keep writing. I know that writing is therapy. Rixy
Wonderful! I can relate to Jenny on several levels and I thought the changes you made really made the story stand up and walk off the page. Good job. No wonder they are wanting your stories. I love this one and can't wait to visit your port. Rixy
I really don't know the protocol for rating a rant type blog. I'll just give you a 5 because I think you need something positive in your life right now. By the By, welcome to WDC a great place to hang out. I bet you will find some kindred spirits on here to help get you through the hard times. There are many groups you might scroll through to look for them. Best Wishes. Cheer up, we're not attending your funeral today!
Important information that we all need to stop and think about. I know I never thought a second about forwarding pieces that I have had forwarded to me. Basically, I forward very few and really don't like it when a friend forwards me a piece and can't even add a personal note. I would much rather hear from them than some forward piece that dares me not to re-send it to 10 friends or either I will receive bad luck or never win the lottery. This is article is something that should be forwarded immediately to your 19 best wdc or writing friends before we all turn into frogs!
What a pleasant guffaw I enjoyed reading about Walking with Aunt Fanny. Since I am only a year younger than Aunt Fanny, I can assure you than the woman IS Wonder Woman. It was well written and somewhere in it is a typo, but it was so funny, I clearly forgot which word is was or where it was. Rixy
An interesting look at a Christmas tree. (Christmas should be capitalized,by the way.) My first retort was that don't have feelings, but then I thought of all the poetry that has made inanimates into humans. As you know you must use all 55 words wisely and felt you could have left out "all the while" and used more descriptive words. It was a good idea for the 55-word story and I did like it. The semicolon after thirsty should be eliminated because you last "sentence" is really a fragment. I would put a period after thirsty. and then use you fragment as an exclamation: As if Christmas trees had no feelings! When we are incensed or irritated, we can get away with a fragment........just as we do in dialogue.
Seems crazy to write a review 14 times longer than the story. You do really well in this genre and it is a favorite of mine.
I liked your story and it was well-written. I know the 55 word limit kills some good description, so one has to write tight. I think your second sentence is too tight. "The outfielders scramble for it as he races to first,...." you have used two pronouns that would be better stated what they stood for. I can assume the IT is a hit. But, the HE doesn't work because pronouns must have an antecedent and you have no reference to the batter. Otherwise, good job.
Love it! I was not aware of how this tightly written piece would turn out and I wanted to skip ahead to the the end before I got there. But, I didn't! The jabbing detail made he think we were gonna be preparing an animal kill for the freezer or some such. So, It was a nice surprise. Good job and keep on keeping on.
I felt the pain, indifference, helplessness, and raw anger is the tone of this poem. I found no punction, spelling or grammar issues.
There are a couple of hitches for me with the rhythm because you have used no particular syllable counts and emphasis. I would have liked to have seen some use of poetic devices within the poem. Poetry is a very personal mode of expression, so as a poet you certainly can use whatever form or device you choose.
Reviews are only one person's thought considering what they read. The most important thing is to keep writing and editing. That is how we all get better. Good luck.
Rixy
Interesting poem. I feel your hurt and your desire to bring it all back. But, usually old boyfriends revisited are rarely any different. I think that the (instead of against) you should omit. Two reasons: Things in parenthesis tell your readers it is not important information. Secondly, it ruins your rhythm in the last three lines.
Most of the time a poem's look will draw a reader in. Balanced, quirky indentions speak to me. Maybe not you. I respect your right to lay out your poem any way you like. That was not a criticism, just a thought.
Your poem flows well, has good spelling and punctuation. I think your tone and questioning of yourself about this subject is a universal one that would appeal to many readers. I would like to see some poetic devices used. Think about it. Keep those words flowing! Rixy
Another lyrical poem well done. Since we are contemporaries, I get it all. I love the juxtaposition of your thoughts within the verses. Especially I get:
One life to live;
Many decades passed.
The end so near;
Forever at last.
Do you ever forget how old your are because you still feel 30? Then you happen by a mirror and the old person looking back at you scares you to death? I do! Teaching high school students kept me young. I was a hard-ass, but they respected me and loved me. Last year's seniors begged me to leave with them and even got a cap and gown so I could walk with them, Right after graduation I took12 of the seniors to Greece for 12 days. Three of the days were on a cruise ship. What a great time. So, while it seems off my point, "The end is near, Forever at last." How did the journey happen so fast?
I hate to be redundant, but I have to give you another 5. I couldn't find any complaints. However, I would like to see you stretch and add some poetical devices within your writing. You have this step mastered; Strike out for a higher one.
What can I say? Perfection. The rhythm, rhyme, and flow is right on. Your subject matter--certainly a uiniversal one--is well said. My favorite lines were:
Beware the chameleons
Playing the dating game
and this which is classic wisdom:
Always out to fool you
Not truth, but hidden lies
Reverting back so slowly
Still wearing their disguise
The other verses were just as good, but these lines resonated so much with me.
It has been a long time since I handed out a perfect 5, but I believe your work here is superb. (Would it make you feel better if I mentioned I just retired after 38 years of teaching English and writing? So, I know a bit or two!)
I think a visit to your port would be beneficial reading for everyone who likes a well-thought-out and edited poem. Kudos!
I like the images invoked by your words. However, I am confused by something: If you are damp from swimming, how does "the dust pool in the folds of our skin?" Secondly,The word pursed knocks me out of the beautiful descriptions you have made and seems harsh as does "chapped lips". Overall I liked the "snapshot" of four images which fits beautifully in a frame of remembrance for many of us. I also liked your alliterative "sweaty summer".
I particularly liked your "tiny motorbikes attracted to the light". Nice simile. Stopping Time was a perfect choice of title. I bet you could write several of "stopping time moments" universal yet significantly different for each reader. This one could first kiss. Together you might have a wonderful collection of "times". Since I don't know your age, perhaps, you are too young to have an index yet of freezing time, but it could be a work in action.
The strengths of your poem is its uplifting theme, its almost flawless rhythm, and your use of upper vocabulary. I appreciate that you did not have a lot of repetitious wording.
I appreciate your excellent use of punctuation. It's helps the reader so much in interpreting ones thoughts and poetry.
The fourth line of verse one: I keep stumbling on the rhythm here.
Third line, second verse. I think you want the word you're{/} not your.
Your rhyme scheme is good and basic. Perhaps you might try more involved rhymes in a poem.
"Sticking holes out will mean something goes in," : I just couldn't bring up a mind picture of this. What am I missing here?
I enjoyed reading your work. It is obvious that you edit quite well. I wish more people would before asking for reviews.
Rixy
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your poetry. I notice that you requested a review by members so here I am. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
My first impression of your poem is that you are yelling at me because you have used all capital letters. That is a bit off-putting. Also, since your poem has a somber tone, I feel the all-caps are inappropriate. I also felt like this poem was really a first draft and needs much more editing by you before you start getting reviewed. I hate editing, but I am a redundant person and it takes me sometimes months to cut the clutter and get to the heart of what I want to say.
Secondly, I would like to see you not use the same word over and over again, especially in a single verse. For instance, you use all 5 times, was four times, you three times. That is what makes poetry so difficult to write: you must find rich verbs full of meaning.
Note the following lines:
YOU SHATTERED MY DREAMS
MY DREAMS WERE ALL SCATTERED
SCATTERED ALL OVER LIKE DRIED ROSE PETALS
Verse four has some good choices of wording: I MADE YOU MY ANGEL
MY QUEEN AND MY LIFE. That being said you need to clean up the reduncancy of that verse so that your good choices glow.
You repeat the same thing almost in all three lines. How about one line that says: 'You scattered my dreams like dried rose petals.' Your "Dried rose petals" is a very nice simile.
I do feel your pain throughout the poem and I believe it could have merit if you will watch your subject-verb agreements and punctuation. Yep, even poems sometimes need some punctuation to aid the reader.
There is a terrific writing academy here at wdc named New Horizons. I don't think they are offereing poetry this semester, but they might be. It costs 2000 gps per 8 week class and full scholarships are available. In fact, I would be willing to pay for you to take a course to kinda make your self-editing more meaningful.
Don't be discouraged, I feel you have the bones here for a very good poem.......it's just in the practice stages.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. To paraphrase and add to what the sportswriter Red Smith said, "Writing is easy. All you do is sit down at the computer, open a vein, and bleed onto the paper."
I enjoyed reading your work. I do not review it as I feel each author's work is an honest birthing of words to make their reality work on the page. Well said, the images are great and I have certainly been there. Good work. Isn't New Horizons just the neatest and most helpful thing around? Rixy
I don't know how anything I could possibly have written inspired this beautiful poem! Your rhythm and thyme are flawless. Your images are clear and heart rendering. I love the alliteration in some of your lines. A terrefic job, Oldwarrior! Cuddos to you. May you have peace, harmony, and spirits in the sky.
Absolutely wonderful. Love the onamatopoeia and the picture you have drawn by the form of the poem. Your last three lines of each verse look like drums. I would not add any punctuation for I think it wouls detract from your over all great poem. The rhythm is magnificant. I can hear and march to the drumbeats! Great job!
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