Would love to be able to understand your meaning of this poem. I'm sure there must be some political statement within it, I am just not saavy enough to understand it. Whatever it is, I was not aware of her burning books or the Artic being polluted. Are you saying her ashes polluted it? I guess I am just not political enough, but I do believe that regardless of part represent us once they have served their own agendas.
Very well done. It flowed, was extremely interesting, and I learned a lot about United State History at the same time. You are an accomplished writer. Hope you will take the time to read over a few of my pieces and help me with the flow and ebb of things. Great read. Great Writing. Rix
A very descriptive piece. Your first paragraphs were very picturesque and interestion. However, when you get to your last paragraph, you get too descriptive and too long. Your next to the last sentence is 38 words long. It reminds me of when my students get dictionaries out to look up more unusual words to use and put in too many. Write tight where possible.
I am pretty sure you do not capitalize fall, spring, winter, or autumn summer.
to urge=the urge
catch lays waiting -this is probably lies; if in doubt say catch is waiting.
this special seasonal =this special season
held to long = held too long
by the humid dog days of a fading summer=fading summer would not have dog days. the dog days are the middle of the summer where it is too hot to eat, sleep or breathe.....maybe you don't have those up North.
Good luck in your contest. Hope I have been of help. Rix
If I didn't know what you were describing before, I caught on with the click, click. I espe cially loved this: Beep beep. Whoa! I felt a bolt of energy surge through my entire body. Light! I can see now!
How can dark be darker.....perhaps you could find a different word that would not be so redundant.
Otherwise a fun piece to read. I thought you were very descriptive. And, you certainly show me, rather than told me what was going on. Thanks for the read. Rix
I do so like the sentiments of your poem. Isn't it wonderful to have a mate that makes you glad to get up each and every day?
Incorrect English: my friends and I, we
I believe your rhythm could be a bit tighter.
Your rhyme scheme is flawed:
However, I think you peom evokes some wonderful images.
I especially enjoyed the following lines:
Our bodies are changing; we are growing old
How fortunate that we have each other to hold
Informative story. To the point. Sorry you had a wreck. I found no spelling or punctuation errors in this piece. Nice simile with: The car shakes like an amusement ride. Thanks for sharing. Keep on writing. Don't you just love the 55-word genre? I do. Rix
What a nice little story. I hope you both have been very happy. She must be a really patient young to hang out with you all that time and never have you revealing your feelings. Hope you reveal them to her more now.
express should be expressed
there needs to be a to between proposing and her.
after each said you need a comma.
Goodbye is one word.
Now there is a story all my coffee drinking friends can relate to and enjoy. Never had the habit myself. I didn't notice any mechanical errors. Well written. I liked your ending, and Yes, I have seen a grown woman cry! It happen right when I open the refrigerator and reach in to get a Diet Coke and there are none!
Pretty cute. I relate to this both as a child and a mother. How many times was Momma too busy to chat with me about something. However, when I was a child she really had it rough.....no wahsing machine or dryer, butter you had to knead color into. I think that since you wrote it in dialogue, it flows very nicely. Good luck in the contest. Thanks for sharing. Rix
Ah, I love the humorous 55 word story. The title is rather catchy and I am glad to know you won a contest. I can just picture this ocurring. Isn't it just the way....kids have the perfect put downs and make us all in ridiculous louts. I noted no spelling or mechanically errors. Good write. Enjoyed it. Rix
I really don't think this is a rateable piece. It's more of a journal entry. I think you should use this as a great starting place for an essay or a two-way conversation written primarily in dialogue between your and your screen or your fingers which might refuse to type anything intelligable on the screen?
I particularly noticed that some words were used too many times. As a journal entry or writer's notebook entry, that would be acceptable. I think that when you ask for reviews, however, those pieces should be polished and developed to the best of your ability.
I think you have something to build on here and I encourage you to do so. I hope you will let me know if you do as I would be so happy to read it. I certainly know the feelings you were having. Rix
My first inclination is that God doesn't make mistakes, but then I have to consider that a human that would feel this way is very sad and my heart goes out to him.
It's hard to judge lyrics without music, so you may want to take my two comments with a grain of salt but ,
I think that you should add the word just to line
Wondering how long he'll last = Wondering just how long he'll last
this line made me stumble around and I am not quite sure why.
Or be immortal with death
I'm thinking in death might sound better, however, I know you used in in the line above.
I think this is a very good song and I hope that there is a powerful voice somewhere that can deliver the powerful music that would have to go with this. \
First of all, I like the look of your poem. It looks like a tornado and I have a feeling that that is part of your loss. I don't like the fact that you chose to write with no capital letters, especially the i. But as the poet, I'm sure you must as done that on purpose. I enjoyed the emotions you was evoking. I had a bit of trouble with the first line. If she is the sweetest layer of a heady perfume and obviously on your mine, why would she/it be forgotten? Anyway, once I got passed that little road block, I thought the rest flowed very nicely. Keep writing! Rix
I enjoyed your peom very much. I have no clue who Trellan and Disapora are and don't really care as I believe this poem to be applicable across any genre. Your rhythm and your rhymes are exciting and fun. You have used some interesting and not overused words. Loved the imagery.
Here are some Lines that don't work for me:
1. Now can begin the real fun--rhythm falters for me
2. Our actions oh-so horrible
Our honour, though, is palpable----does not have the tight rhyme the other verses and lines have
I think your writing is coherent and moves a bit slowly and, at times randomly. I think this is more a stream of consciousness piece. Essays should have an introduction which explains what you are about to tell us, discernable I, II, IIIs, and a conclusion which will once again tell us what you just stated.
You state that you think love does not exist. I am sorry. While I think we make too many mistakes in the name of love, it certainly exists. Having said that, I ask, have you ever had a child. THat love transcends all else. But, though you never really state your thesis, I assume you were speaking of romantic love.
I think somewhere in your piece you asked why people fall out of love. Very simply, it is because they never FELL in LOVE. They would not wait to grow up and find the PERFECT PERSON for them. They had--from an early age--been taught by society that--if they were female--they needed a male to "complete" themselves or give them status.
I think one must live through and experience many kinds of love and then I think--don't laugh--they need to fall in love on the internet being very careful. Why the internet? Because it is the only place one can come to love the inside of a person and then not CARE ONE WHIT what the outside looks like. Just let me close this by saying, if you have to ask what love is or explore what love is, YOU 'AIN'T' GOT IT. Keep on writing and expressing and exploring life. You will eventually get old enough to realize that your time is short. Live life to the fullest and invest in a lifetime partner, not a lusttime partner.
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What wonderful activities for everyone in celebration of this most auspicious occasion. Thanks WDC for being here for us writers...I wonder what I did for fun before June 20th, 2005. I must have led a very boring life. A special WOW to those of you who have been members for 1,2,3,4 & 5 years.
An absolutely great write! I love it's playfulness. I also like it's "snappy" beat. Too many people write long much too long and much too complicated for my plebian tastes. Thanks so brightening my evening. When you have time check this out:
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YOur idea for the poll gets a 5.0. Your confusing rating is pretty much a 5.0 as well. Which question are we answering? I like the many alternative answers you supplied, but I didn't know which question to answer. PURE & SIMPLE: No ratings allowed with a 250 review! Yes, it takes more time, but if you don't want to spend the time on my piece, go to someone else's. I will still be able to live my life in the sunshine!
Poem fits the two guidelines given: nature and 5-7-5. Poem describes the picture beautifully. Lobelia has truly blessed my day with sharing. Thanks and a job well done!!
The R&R of this piece in no way has any effect on the outcome of the contest. And just to advertise a bit this will be posted on the Reviewing Page with this tag: LAST DAY IS APPROACHING FOR RIX'S CONTEST:
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Can't argue with perfection. Not only are there no mechanically errors, there is precision throughout. Yes, it may have been a bit confusing at first trying to figure out what was going on, but it didn't take long to catch on! Loved it. I think the strength of the piece is the wonderful vocabulary you used and the humor. Anyone who owns a cat can relate to this.
Don't forget that time is running out to enter the great Haiku/photography contest where the prizes are not to be sneezed at. *hearts*
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I love the story although the last of it leaves me not knowing what happened. I don't understand x-ray stars or zero-based accounting. I do understand the term, but am not completely sure of the meaning with the piece although I do have an inkling. I just wonder if it is the same as you had. You ABC flow was exquisite. While you used an X word instead of respelling and EX word, I think it was an usual choice which would be fine if it made sense. Haybe you can enlighten me. I would like to have seen your story in paragraph form. Also, when you end a quotation with a question mark or an exclamation mark, you do not use the comma to seperate from the spoken and unspoken: Who are you?" said Sam. Not Who are you?", said Sam. Good job and thanks for entering the contest. My comments do not affect the winning or losing of the contest. Hope you will visit my other contest and enter it if you have not already done so.
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I think your images are very good and is the strength of this poem. I especially like: the umbilical cord now stretches like a leash. Nice comparison. It is light verse altho there are a couple of serious verse references. It is cute and it does make me smile, so your objectives have been met. The only thing that bothers me about the poem is the line: until the diapers are abandoned. I would think that once the diapers are abandoned will be a time of much more watching for safty features as the child will really be into things then! And, actually, a parent is always trying to "safty feature" their children's lives, even when they are 30 or 40! Nice write. CHECK OUT MY CONTEST:
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The sentiments expressed by this poem are easy to understand and read and, I must say, very uplifting. I particularly like uplifting poems. I think there are way too many depressing ones about. I'm not sure I like your one sentence after the title. It doesn't seem to go with the poem and not with the title either. I really think your poem stands alone without this "clue" as to what I am about to read. I just looked at it again and noticed that you have only three lines in the first verse. Did you just get your skipped line in the worng place? If so, I like that much better. Your rhyme is irratic. Verse one: NONE Verse two: abcb works excepted miss probably should be missed. Or, change it to read:
"So overcome with sadness,
The grief I cannot express,"
Verse three: abcb Verse four: abcc. You need to make them all the same or at least have some form to it. Also, your first verse has lines that are too long. Try to make these more concise. It makes your poem top heavy. Images are very good. In Verse 2: rewrite third line by dropping the and so the rhythm is intact.
I think you will have a very nice poem here when you make a few changes to even out your rhythm and give pattern to your rhyme. Keep up the good work. Rewriting takes 3 times the amount of time that writing does, minimum!
Check out my contest: {bitme:995322}
Check out my activities:
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Beautifully done, Lobelia. The postcard image is wonderful. The 5-7-5 is observed and the nature theme is loud and clear. I really like the images of a laughing sun and the tinkling. THanks for entering the Haiku contest. Hopefully, we'll get some entries. Maybe your daughters would like to enter.
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Well, Little Purple Crayon, You and Chatterbox are just too cute. What a wondeful story. I am supposed to be reviewing your mommy but when I saw you have a port, I had to hurry over to it and welcome you to WDC. Here my Chatterbox, only his name is Rowdy! ANd he certainly lives up to his name!
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I really liked your story, especially about the blue jewel. Be sure to give me a hollar when you get another story up! I can't wait. Your Devoted Reader, Rix
I am reviewing those who participated in my poll about teachers--your mommy did so that counts as you-- this afternoon. Thank you.
Visit my new poll and new contest:
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