Good concept for the story. I just wrote my first two 50 worders this week and they are hard to do. The idea seems to be the hardest for me. The only problem I can find with yours are two things I would like you to consider:
1. "The nurse handed him tiny bundle." You need to add an a or the before tiny
2. "His gaze fell on his wife's body and began to cry" I know what you mean, but it is not what you are saying. You are telling me his gaze began to cry. You might say: His gaze fell on his wife's body as he cried.
Now, I don't know how your word count is now. But it is good. Keep on keeping on! Notice how the review is longer than the story.
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This is an excellent public service announcement. You have some very good images in it such as:
"James is used to this of course so he zig zags his way through the sea of cars like a mouse searching for the cheese in a maze." and "James' patrol car went airborn and did several flips and turns. If it had been a gymnast the car would have scored a perfect 10. But instead the metal frame buckles and torques itself in ungodly positions." This last is some of the best writing in your piece.
However, your spelling is noticeably weak. Grammatically you have quite a few boo-boos, and watch out for shift in tenses (from present to past and back.)
A most enjoyable poem. It reads with smoothness and clarity. The imagery is vivid and true. You might consider changing the word rosy-tinted to rose-tinted. That was the only place where I was drawn out of the imagery and into the word focus. Your last verse is especially moving, and truly spoken. ANyone who deeply loves another know exactly what you are saying. Thank you for sharing this poem with me.
I like the subject of the poem. I think it needs a bit more thought and tightening. I feel that the lines that rhyme are very detracting in that they are the only ones that do rhyme. Actually, I believe they are the most pleasing lines you have. You should have the line: is it laziness or content should read: Is it laziness or contentment? Try to keep your elements that go together parallel with the same part of speech. "As I watch it pile up again." Doesn't really fit, because you are really talking about trying to get it going. I suggest you list the items you want to cover in your poem, then knock them down to approximate the same syllabification per line and then work on rhyming as you are very handy at the use of rhyme.
A very cute poem. Anyone who has rasied children can see the imagery of the child singing gibberish. I especially like the rhyme of sense with gibberish although I would never have thought they rhymed. The perplexity of the older sybling comes through well. I believe you have captured a "picture" dear to any mother's heart.
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