I'm reviewing people who took part in my teacher poll this afternoon. Thanks. I like your poem and think it is well put. I believe we all can relate to it. I wish I had a dollar for everytime that I have said, "The only way I would want to relive my life is if I could know everything I know now." I sure wouldn't want to be as ignorant or hardheaded again as I was at 20 or 30 or 40. The only suggestions I have for your piece are:
--use a ? after "be free to be a child"
--and I guess I am a form freak, but you have all verses with three lines and then you make one with four. Maybe if it were the last one, I could accept that, but I think your poem would be stronger with equality for all verses. Good job, keep at it!
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This is a really difficult job to do. You have done a good job. Amazing how poems so different can come out of the same list of words. I did notice a couple of things you might want to change: weap should be spelled weep///sentement should be sentiment///glamourized should be glamorized unless you are not from the US. Also, I notice you have used the fortune twice and I think it was only listed once in the list. Double check that. Good luck
Been there done that! I would say you have captured the hurt, solitude, misery, misunderstanding, discombobulation, blame, and incredible confusion that abuse brings about. Your chorus is haunting in its simplicity and truth. How is it that we are abused by those we love and trust the most? Good write. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that we are not alone.
What a story! Superior writing. It grabbed me from the git go and held my attention all along. Of course, being a person who loves surprise endings, I thought she'd come through with THE BIG ENDING and everyone would say, "Oh, my God! She's talking about WW2 and the concentration camps" but your ending was even better. Maybe not as noticeable but the correlation with the dark clouds and the storm was magnificant. What the ultimate ending was sensational, but knowing young people like I do today, even if you explained it to them, they would get it or care to get it. I find this an extrememly powerful write. Thanks for sharing. I suppose this is non-fiction. I am secretly hoping you will say no.
I like this poem very much. I like it's short, succinct lines, the images that it draws, and its ability to move one along effortlessly. I find your images in the first verse to be phenomenal. Your use of restaurant lingo in the last verse that talks of moving on, I relished. I found the last two words of each of the last two lines in each verse very interesting: contours soul, probablilities nowhere, awakening journey. I felt they summed up the whole idea. I am probably way off on that one, but it seemed so to me. Good job!
Great poem. I love poems with good rhyme and good rhythm, and a story. Yours has it all. The only suggestion I would make is that I think God should be capitalized in both instances. A very good write. Can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work.
Very, very interesting story. Held my interest all the way through. I was startled at the ending which is something I really, really like. Good Write. Congragulations on your win. I have one question, however, how could an abridged selection be more focused? Don't you mean unabridged or am I just having another Senior Moment?
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Very interesting, concise, poignant piece. I think any writer could relate to this and the beauty of it is that it is very profound while seemingly not so. Very good job. Keep up the good work. Visit These Sites and Make Your Preferences Known:
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What can I say? I have no suggestions for improvement and fell your torment and pain as I read this. Trying to gain weight is equally as difficult as trying to lose. I know I was there while you dealt with this struggle. Now in my post menapause life it seems I put on weight and it doesn't want to go anywhere. It likes these old bones. Thanks for sharing. I think you are a talented writer. I just caught on to the fact that I misspelled among and that was the message, not among. Clear as mud, right? Well, have a great life. Hope you have got this devil on the run. The mark of a good poet is that one can touch other's lives regardless of the topic and I believe this does that.
You have truley poured your heart out on this matter to an unknown enemy. However, I feel there are few adjustments you might make to bring home your point a bit better:
1. It need to be much shorter. A terrorist is not a person who would have time to sit around and read a long essay.
2. Paragraphs are usually more than a single sentence. You do keep most of yours to a nice size, but those that are long, are too long.
3. I feel you have chosen your words fairly well, but they lose their punch when you keep repeating them or like ideas more than once.
4. I fear that you have written this to a person whose psyche you cannot ever understand and that is very frustrating for you.
I particularly like this line: "Hate empties us. It does not fill us. Only love fills us. Only love." While it is true they are filled with hate, isn't it ironic that they--especially the very young one--do it for many vestal virgins which would be love.
I think you have taken on a very real task in trying to communicate across the cultures and I salute your willingness to take this on. Good luck and keep on writing.
I hear what you are saying and I uphold your right to say it. Some would be reticent about stating your thesis, but I believe all have wondered about it at one time or another.
Your refrain: Good except for the last line. I think it needs another word to make the rhythm complete. maybe, No one see that they've been had.
Verse three I do not like at all. I believe it should have four lines as well or repeat at intervals throughout the poem for balance.
Verse four: Breaks rhythm BIG TIME. Once again it needs some filling out to match the rhythm you have already established.
And, I think I find the word in the 6th verse, third line, second one offensive. However, upon re-reading the trying to find an alternative, I think I have to go with your choice.
Congratulations on getting your ideas down and communicating them as you did. I just suggest a bit of fine tuning, especially where your rhythm is concerned.
Come write for my contest. Deadline is Wed at 6 pm.
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I like your triolet. Nice work. The only suggestion I would have is to change the line: "THe ride is very long" to "The ride, very long." I think that makes it flow better. Good luck in the contest. This review does not in any way affect the outcome of the contest and you are welcome to make any changes you wish up until the end which will be Wednesday at 6 pm WDC time.
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Excellent poem. You followed the pattern very well. It reads smoothly and has no forced rhymes. It also tells a wonderful story. Thanks for entering the contest. And, good luck. This review does not in anyway affect the outcome of the contest.
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Pretty close to perfect. Second line should have a dash or colon instead of comma to signal the shift in perspective. I would prefer another word for the before breeze. 17 syllables, so try not to waste on on a, an, or the. Good Job. I'm still waiting for your triolet: {bitem:987613).
A lovely poem which flows very well for the most part. You have told your story very well. Your ryhme are consistant and well done. None seem to be forced at all. I like your vivid images, your alliteration and your personifications. I have a couple of suggestions. First, I would like for you to indent the lines that are not capitalized about 5 spaces. Secondly, try shortening lines 2,6, & 12. And lastly, if you capitalize Spring at the end, you should also capitalize Fall in line 4.
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Well said sentiments. Congratulations on your win. You have some very patriotic images and allusions. I enjoyed your alliterations especially. My favorite line: "I relax while my pure white muse is drifting." If I had an suggestions to offer, it might be to work on your rhyme scheme a bit and make it more regular. Good write. Can't wait to see more of your stuff. Again, try out the triolet:
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The poem certainly fits the pattern you selected to use to write this poem in. (I know I just ended the sentence with a prep.) The rhyme is right on. And, of course your rhythm is fine with your syllable count. Good job.
First time to run into this kind of peom. I like it, but then I suspect that your rendition of it was what I really liked. Well thought out, moves very smoothly, full of rich images. Just a couple of considerations:#1....know I love you mom... Should be I love you, Mom,... #2 should be I love you too, Son. If you had said my son, then it would not be in caps. #3:""Remember mom, I'll always love you, and I'm always with you, I'll never leave you." This is a series of run-ons. To fix it, try: "Remember, Mom, I'll always love you. I'm always with you and I'll never leave you."
Great write. You are talented and I have enjoyed this small foray into your port. Check out my contest:
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WOW! I like this story. It kept me mesmerized. The only problem I had, was, why did the rope finally comes loose in the water? Maybe a suggestion earlier on about how he hurridly tied you up. or maybe you kept your arms wider than neccessary so that the rope would not be so tight? Even with that I loved it. It is colorful, a bit mysterious from transition to transition. Great job. How about trying a bit of poetry?
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You go, guy! Congratulations on a well written, well rhymed, rhythmical poem. Your images are right on. Your rhymes are good and none seem to be forced. I hope your wife realizes what a jewel she has. Those of us with honeys like you are truly blessed!
A very heartfelt poem. I believe you have some new metaphors and that is encouraging. You struck out to say things in a different way. Some of your vocabulary is refreshing: illumination, vanquish, akin, overpowering (it is one word, you have it as two.) Yet too much of it is common: long, hard, shut out, warm, coldest, darkest, etc. Use your thesaurus and give me some out of the ordinary words.
**Next:Ok, Jimmie, let's get the mechanics-- punctuation & capitalization-- thing going on. These lines need periods: 1,3,5,8,11,12,& 14. Take out the comma at the end of line 10 and leave it with no punctuation. Capitalzie the words Strength and Love in your title.
**I know, I know. You are thinking that mechanics are not important, but they really are. They are the only signposts your readers have to reading your work as you intended it. So, give a hand.
I give you a hand *clap clap* and really applaud the work you have put in on your poem. Just a tweek here and there and you can have a very desirable piece. Good luck and Keep on keepin' on!
I think this is a very powerful piece. I like many things about it:
*I am drawn in immediately and immediately I know what the poem is about.
*Are you aware of the fact that the poem's picture (form on the paper) looks like a tsnami? Well, give it a look see. I bet you planned it that way however.
*The rhyming that goes on is wonderful
*It (the poem)flows like water across the sand and then ebbs back out of my life again.
*I think thepoem is pure symphony and could only be written by one who is one with the environment.
THat aside, were do you live? You mentioned that your name is swedish, are you? I know I am nosey. Please forgive!
I visited in Singapore, Malaysia, and a small place called Kukup. I fell in love with Kukup and have tried to find out how they fared during the tsnami, but have been unable to. I talked to a boy in Singapore, but he knew nothing.
Good write. Check out my contest and invite your friends to do the same.
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An excellent example of the antonym diamante form. I especially like the way you have used color to move the poem from the first line through the last line. I think your subject matter is one that many, many people can relate to. Very good job. Keep up the good work. Come join my contest:
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A wonderful story and poem. No wonder it was honored with an award. I like your rhythm, your rhymes and your images. This reminds me of the ole Poetry writers who people do not follow like they used to. I can't pick out a line or two that are my favorites BECAUSE THEY ALL ARE! Good Job. Thanks for helping me judge the triolet contest:
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This may be one of the nicest forums on the site and the site has some doozies! I will be mailing my donation forthwith. Wish I had more to send. I will try to consider a forum to support this organization soon.
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