Love it! I hate these letters but found yours somewhat less maddening than some. I don't want to bore you, but my best friend--she and her husband became ordained ministers this year (not the kind that preaches but the kind that can travel around and get their trips for free--sent one that made me want to slap her face. Basically it was about how blessed they were: wonderful house that God saved from the two hurricanes of this year. (They live in Arkansas for God's sake} Other things on their blessed list: We are on the praise team at church. You can see us live or recorded at www.towerofpower.com; Our marvelous two week trip to Alaska, our RV in which we make trips (DUH), Our new beautiful blue car, Her new job--she changed three times during the year--where she now works in only a 20 bed hospital (she sits on her ass), their wonderful Marriage Seminar they give (when they can twist some dimwit's arm in to letting them) and how they look so forward to their Austrailian trip (which they will take as soon as they find some dimwit to let them do their seminar so they can write the trip off)...........but I digress....your piece was wonderful. I have threatened to do something every year about a son in the peniteniary, a street walking daughter, blah, blah blah. Anyway, great job and hilarious! Rix
What's not to like about this poem. It is straight-up and very descriptive. I like the idea of your partner by your side and I have to wonder how you can review and write so much. It must be a strain on you. You think you are Freezing! Boy, down here in the South today school's have been cancelled due to ice. Br-r-r-r-rrr. But, I digress.
THe first thing that I noted about your tpoem was it's shape. ANy poem with an unusal shape draws me in to read. ANyone can write a poem in regular shape, but can they write one that enhances what they say. I say yours did. Very descriptive. I think the roar of passing cars must be truley freighteni;ng. I'm got to go get in bed, I'm freezing. ANyway, good luck on your group and here is a bit of a donation to help you get set up and going. RIx
What a wonderful poem. Such loving neighbors your must be to know what everyone likes. We live in the middle of nowhere and the closest neighbors are at least a mile away and more. Since I teach an hour's drive from my home, we don't have your gift giving woes except with the grandchildren.
We buy all year long and put things back as we can get things on sale from time to time. THen in November we forget all our hiddey-holes and spend some more because we can't remember what we have gotten or where it all is! HA Once it took us 3 years of CHristmases to wear out our gift stash once.
A beautiful poem that brought me some comfort today. I can the Lady dancing in the moonbeams and twirling through time. You are a very good wordsmith. I love to see the NAI dancing and when I can, go to places close by where they demonstrate. A very good write. Keep it up. Rix
Wonderful, the SOB is really and truly miserable I bet now. Men! Are they not the strangest creatures around? I bet your life really does look up now. Good luck in the future. HOpe you can use the dress in the future when you really do find a Mr. Right. I did find one and we have been married 8 years very happily, but there are few like him on this earth.....I know, I'm 65 years old!!!
Powerful! Resonating! Sad, yet joyful. Thanks for the insight into death as just a continuation and celebration of those who are spiritual linked. I really respond to and understood in my deepest heart: "I once thought the silence between us
was a peaceful kind of dialogue." I think that the comfortable silence between mates is such a wonderful state. It's so funny, but when my husband and I are drifting along in it that one of us will speak up and it is so often what the other is thinking.
I really enjoyed your whole poem and looke forward to reading more of your writes. Keep your pen moving for it moves us all when we have the honor of reading turtlemoon.
I wallowed in this poem, in a good way. It has it all: beautiful imagery, personification, alliteration, simile/metaphor, and rhythm. I much prefer the first poem because I am drawn into read a poem sometimes just by the "picture" it presents upon the page. I usually pick out a few lines as my favorites. In this case I can't for the whole is so much more potent than its parts. I will be returning the auto-rewards to you for I feel I should pay you for the honor of reading it. WOW!
well stated. As soon as I saw the title, I knew to whom you were going to refer. Wouldn't we have a much better world if we as human beings could have learned to list side by side with our NAI and learned about respect and honoring God and his creation. We cray out because our economy is in such a mess, yet we totally annilhated a people's way of life that was so much better. Thank you for starting my day off well. Rix
Dear Hyperiongate: .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your Microfiction. This term is used by me to refer to pieces under 1000 words. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Title: Appropriate.
Word Count:55 words
Mechanics: none
Impact of Story: a nice little story, but it did not entertain me. I thought your descriptions were
Favorites: I thought your descriptions were very good, and I could just picture your little Gator!
Least Favorites: Thirty bananas and a stuffed animal? Where do you guys Treat or Treat? We only got candy.
Parting Words: Smoothly written with good description. I will enjoy checking out more of your portfolio.....if I get a life anytime soon.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
Dear Emma324: .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your Microfiction. This term is used by me to refer to pieces under 1000 words. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Title: good title, but I bet you might be able to think of another one you like better.
Mechanics: No mistakes found in spelling or punctuation.
Impact of Story: It kept my attention and I like that it was a short fiction. I couldn't decide whether to review it as Microfiction or short story. Since the contest called for story, I opted for that category.
Favorites: I am amazed that you got 15 titles in your story, that it flowed well and didn't sound like titles haphazardly thrown around. Good Job
Least Favorites: Nothing
Parting Words: I like your story and can't wait to see what else you come up with.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
Dear Gloria2010: .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your Microfiction. This term is used by me to refer to pieces under 1000 words. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Title: Interested me
Mechanics: I didn't find any errors at all. Good job. Too many writers won't take the time to do the best job possible and I think it sure pays off if you want readers to take you seriously.
Impact of Story: I knew what was coming, but I think it was scary and I liked the suspense you built up and then wham! did the killing.
Favorites: I think the Nightmare on Elm Street was the best title you used. Seriously, I was very impressed with the way you worked the titles in. AT no time did I feel like this story was written for a contest where you had to use a bunch of horror movie titles.
Least Favorites: Nothing
Parting Words: Good job. I think you have a chance in the contest. Good luck.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
I lost my precious and only daughter a week before she was born. She saved my life, but lost hers. It has taken me many years to come to terms with this. God is good, and I believe he sent me an answer: Since we are all with him in heaven and must be born of woman to have eternal life, I believe that these children were so special and so good in heaven, that they needed only the birth of woman and then they could go home to their Father. Thank you for putting some words to what we feel. I hope I have provided an easier way for you to look at it. How wonderful that God would give me one of his special angels that was too good to have to endure life on earth.
**Generally, you have too many long sentences. If you could break them up, I think they would be more impacting. I, too, write in sentences way too long and must spend so much time on them. I have found that writing the 55-words contest has helped me so much in writing tight. Maybe you would like to try it also.
A couple of little corrections:
**but way to small....too
**Lord I give you my anger,--should be: Lord, I give you my anger,
Rixfarmgirl
Dear renflower: .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your poetry. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Over All Look of the Poem: I like the look of your poem. Short lines, short verses adds to your idea of supernatural quality.
Rhythm & Flow: I think the rhythm needs another look and maybe a bit of work.
Rhyme Scheme: n/a
Poetic Devices: a bit of alliteration; descriptive images.
Places I Stumbled/Missed the Point of: Not sure I understand "She is conformed" are you saying that we are all supernatural? Naw, couldn't be.
Mechanics: No errors. Thank you for that!
Favorite Line: "Invisible to all" Been there done that. I can relate to the over-all themes here.
Parting Words: I think the lines "Nowhere left to hide" and "Go through the motions" and "Play the game" are pretty cliche-ish. As a writer try to come up with new images and words.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. To paraphrase and add to what the sportswriter Red Smith said, "Writing is easy. All you do is sit down at the computer, open a vein, and bleed onto the paper."
Dear Noelle's7thSense: .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your Microfiction. This term is used by me to refer to pieces under 1000 words. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Title: Your title drew me to read your tag line and that is what brought me here.
Word Count: 55
Mechanics: Well Done. the italicized "I'm must be a typo because she was not talking to herself ther.
Impact of Story:Very impacting.
Favorites: The idea of the inner child of the inner child/outer child dilemma.
Least Favorites: The fact that this story is being played out in our high schools and lower schools more than ever. I had a thirteen-year-old boy who was a father to a 9 month old baby three years ago.
Parting Words: The 55-word story is a write tight situation and you did so.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
Dear Momgeek545: .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your Microfiction. This term is used by me to refer to pieces under 1000 words. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Title: Pulled me in a bit, but had you included the handle of the lady you were paying tribute to, I would not have hesitated to dive in.
Word Count: exactly 55 (duh)
Mechanics:No mistakes. Thanks for caring enough to be mechanically correct.
Impact of Story: Serious impact! I assume that everyone know the story, but background aside, your word choice and writing were right on.
Favorites:"Each one was a perfectly wrapped gift I didn’t know I wanted until I opened it."
Least Favorites: Title
Parting Words: Excellent job. Bravo!
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
Dear TerJa .
I am Rixfarmgirl and I have had the pleasure to read and review your poetry. My comments are entirely my own. I offer only suggestions as to what I would change had I written this piece. So, please take my suggestions in the manner in which they are offered. I would also like to refer you to
to get a clear explanation of the rating I have given your piece. I try to abide by the StoryMistress's suggestions because if we give everyone 5's then the really great pieces are down-graded.
Over All Look of the Poem: Inviting. I like the varying line lengths and number of lines in the stanzas.
Rhythm & Flow: Beautifully done. I assume you probably worked on this in the rewrite and it is very well done.
Rhyme Scheme: N/A Your un-rhymed scheme is not detracting in any way to me. I found your piece to be more conversational than would lend itself to rhyme. Glad you chose not to use it.
Poetic Devices: Strong images. The questioning approach shows that we all question God and that we are no different from others. Traditionally, I do not like the repetition of words, however, I believe they are very effective here.
Places I Stumbled/Missed the Point of: NONE what-so-ever.
Mechanics: Perfect.
Favorite Line: Sorry but I would have to recreate the whole poem here. It is not that any of your lines are extraordinary, but taken as a whole they create a poetic study.
Parting Words: This poem really moved me. It gave me peace and I will save it so that I reread it when I feel I need the nourshment in questioning God. Good Job.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
This is a great, mood filled poem. Your poem is chocked full of images that truly carry the dark, eerieness of the cemetery.
I really can't find anything that would make it better except for some rhyming issues. But, perhaps you did not intend to rhyme your second and fourth lines?
-I don't really think clopping rhymes with galloping...unless you can get your reader to pronounce it ga LOP ping,...then it perfect.
-Day and cemetery don't rhyme
-Malice & injustice
-disloyal & betrayal
Great Write. Maya Angalou kept coming to mind as I read this. Your images are so strong and endearing. i.e.
A carpet of old cigarettes on the sidewalks
covers broken glass and spray paint hop-scotch.
air saturated with paper mill fumes,
on a misty Sunday afternoon,
the ancient secrets of throwing and catching
I loved your title and it certainly pulled me in to read your poem. Your last verse takes my breath away. Thank you, thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of history.
Great story. I think you forgot a period at the end. I can't be sure becasue the punctuation seems to be a lighter color than black to me, but Hey, What do I know? I'm probably too old to see them. Good luck in the contest. You had me going there a minute with who was hungry. Rix
Love it, love it, love it. I have been worrying with introducing my students to dialogue as I do every year and as they miss every year. I think the concept behind your piece might just do the trick. It is creative, points out dialogue very well, and would help students understand the inner dialogue we carry on with ourselves all the time. That would move us very nicely into journal writing. With your permission, I would like to use your story as an example of what I want them to be able to produce. They really miss the concept of new paragraph when speakers change. I think all these objectives can be met quite easily if you will allow me to use it. I will use the print off of Wrting.com that has all the correct attribution information. Good job. Thanks for inspiring me and point the way. Rix
What wonderful thoughts. I believe you have given voice and rhythm to what so many of us feel and try to express. I started the day with someone's wonderful poem and now I close my day with your great write. Your images are magnificent. my favorite lines are:
-----I write to give meaning to my mistakes
and give credence to my successes.
-----My love can be felt beyond the grave,
without the need for ghostly returns.
Your second verse is so alliterative with all the w sounds.
Nice job. Wish I had some suggestions, but who can improve on perfect? Rix
Interesting story. I liked it up until the last paragraph. . The reason I like your story up until that time is because I was enjoying your clear, short sentences and images. Then, you got wordy........which as the author you are welcome to do. I think your last paragraph should be changed to something tighter and less wordy in keeping with the tone you have already established.
My suggestion: Standing up the man pointed at the cat and yelled, "No! That can't happen!" Suddenly the man is bumped into the street by a skateboarder just as a diesel truck nears the bus stop. The truck cannot stop. The man is killed. (I'm sure you can improved me suggestion.)
A couple of things to point out:
---A well dressed, middle aged, business man SHOULD BE A well-dressed, middle aged business man
---As he sits, Doesn't need the comma. Introductory phrases only need commas if they are 5 words or more.
----As he stopped, SAme as above
----You have shifted verb tenses throughout. You should write in the past or the present, but keep it uniform.
----Killing him instantly is not a sentence. It is a fragment.
Good story idea. Moves well. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it for you. Keep writing. Rix
Good things.
---strong images
---short sentences lead the reader to the obvious.
---story moves along quickly without too much to get in our way of enjoyment.
Things to improve upon:
---Too many he and hims. Most times the reader can figure them out, but it does get tedious. You have a form of HE used 17 times in four lines.
---"a shell of his old self" & "senseless stupor" are very trite and cliched. Think up new refreshing descriptions.
---No paragraphing. Makes readers not want to wade through.
The picture you have displayed with your lovely poem just enhances your written picture. I thought your rhyme and rhythm were nearly flawless. Line 8 holds the rhythm snag. I particularly like your transend rhyme with friend, but think you missed the boat a bit with the its and permits. Yes, it is a half rhyme. Some nice images and I can certainly relate to your message. I thought you put a new spin on the old season theme that was refreshing and relateable. Overall, good job. I appreciate your sharing and the use of your photography. I also liked that you included your syllable count and rhyme scheme because it told me YOU GOT IT. Some don't, you know. Rix
I think your first six lines are riveting and well written----not to say the rest is not well written, but to say these are words that made me want to read the rest of your poem. I am also struck by some of your images:
-Noise amidst the silence screams to you,
And alienates you from the rest;
-In this urban jungle of now.
-But my feelings embered in words withal.---I like your theme being repeated here
Small Things
-Is this your strory? typo
-But unable to put up to test. I don't understand or maybe a word left out?
-Either use a rhyme scheme or not, but don't just haphazardly throw in a rhyme or attempted rhyme ever so often.
-But my feelings embered in words withal.--- Wanted more of the theme in the end because it was such a powerful beginning, you owed your reader a symbolic wind-up
A good write and A good read. Thanks for sharing. Rix
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Seriously, I was very impressed with the way you worked the titles in. AT no time did I feel like this story was written for a contest where you had to use a bunch of horror movie titles.
Keep on, keeping on and write, rewrite, and rewrite. Remember what Peter de Vries said: "I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."