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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Testosterone  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Lauren Nichole Jordan !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


I loved this acrostic! It was highly entertaining. *Laugh*

You made good use of each letter; every word flowed together smoothly to create a cohesive image/message that you wanted to convey.

However, I'm not sure if egos was the right word to use. In my opinion, high testosterone levels don't create naughty egos. Egos are more determined by other factors - cockiness, self-assurance, etc. I can't think of anything off the top of my head right now - I keep thinking "enterainment," but I'm not sure if that fits - but I'll let you know if I can think of anything. (Of course, this is your piece and you don't need to change it if you really don't want to.)


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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52
52
Review of Break This Heart  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lauren Nichole Jordan !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


This is was a very powerful piece. You took a topic that occurs every day to ordinary people and talked about it in your own words. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it felt like you were speaking from experience as you wrote this poem. If you did, I hope it worked out well for you - cheating is an ugly thing and hard to get away from at times. Many women - and men - will stay in a cheating relationship because they don't know what else to do. Your poem has the ability to give strength to those people.

The rhyme scheme works very well. I feel that the poem would have been even more powerful, however, had there been a meter of some sort, or if the lines had been of the relatively same length.

For some reason, the last stanza feels out of place to me. It doesn't fit with the flow of the rest of the poem.

Other than that, I feel that this poem has a lot of potential.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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53
53
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lauren Nichole Jordan !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


The rhyme scheme was well kept throughout the poem; you did a good job with it. *Thumbsup*

The images were pretty good. I could picture the monster, but I felt that there was a lot more to the "monster" than you wrote within the poem.

I also couldn't really place the love within the piece, besides within the last stanza, of course. In all of the other stanzas, I only see the monster; I couldn't find any allusions to love within them.



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I felt that the first five stanzas and the last two needed semi-colons after the first lines.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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54
54
Review of The Building  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Riot !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning created a realistic picture for me to imagine as I read the story. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was very well-maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was very interesting. The conflict had me riveted to my seat, my eyes darting from word to word on the screen, hoping the main character would get out alive. Great job hooking me into the story! *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The main character seemed very real. Her personality shone through her thoughts and actions. She reminded me somewhat of Nancy Drew, though in a more grown up, more sensible way. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were excellent! I could clearly picture the scene; the pitch darkness scared me out of my wits! *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The streets with were littered with cars and there was almost always someone honking at a carefree pedestrian ignoring the crosswalks.

See, in all the years I have lived in this city, I had never noticed the stone statues that perched high on one of the buildings ledges; maybe it was because they were gray and infused with the building so seamlessly. The word buildings should be in the possessive form.

I pushed myself past the center of the sidewalk, mindfully dodging the stream of people going the opposite direction. I added the article in that sentence because I felt that it was necessary.

What had compelled me to be so interested in this particular building all a sudden? I believe the proper phrase is "all of a sudden," but I may be mistaken.

The word site within the sentence It was not especially late but the sky was overcast with dark clouds which were half-covered and out of site. is used incorrectly, and should instead be "sight."

I felt the wind rush past my face as I took on the city in its full glory; the lights, the ant-like people walking along the sidewalks, the occasional sirens echoing down the streets. I feel that the semi-colon would be better served as a colon.


MY FAVORITE PART: I loved the homeless man warning the main character. It was a great touch to the story and added some more realism.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: This was a great story. I have to admit I was rather scared - okay, maybe a bit more than that. I don't like the dark. Not at all. Nope.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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55
55
Review of Love, Mom  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
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Hi Riot !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the beginning. Its pure simplicity really brought me into the story. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was very well maintained. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was simple and powerful: the emotions really transformed the piece. You paced it well. The conflict of the will was great. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Jake really shone as a character in this piece. His personality eked out of every thought and every action. You did a great job making him really pop off of the page - or, in this case, screen. *Thumbsup*

Jake's mother was also a strong character within this, even though she was dead. I could tell she was a loving mother that took care of her son in every way possible. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: Nice descriptions. I could easily picture the scene as it unfolded. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): There was nothing that I could find. Excellent job! *Thumbsup*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: The ending! *Laugh*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I loved this piece! It was somber in the beginning - as all deaths usually are - but I was dying at the end! (Not literally, of course. *Bigsmile*) The ending was hilarious. Great job!

Something I would suggest that you do is separate the note at the bottom of the story further. If someone looks at it quickly, they might think it is part of the story.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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56
56
Review of The Happy Story  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the beginning! I could just hear Oliver whining out his mother's name. *Smile* *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was well maintained throughout the story. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and entertaining. You interwove family values with scientific research. I enjoyed reading it! *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Even though this was short, you still brought the characters to life. Oliver's personality shone through such innocence, and Kaya's shone through with love. Great job making your characters real! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were great. I really loved the story Kaya told Oliver, too. *Thumbsup* I could clearly picture everything. I'm not a winter person myself, so I loved the spring descriptions.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): This dialogue, "Maaaa-om", needs punctuation.

I'm not sure if the comma within "I think we're going to have...," should be there. (Just thought I'd point it out, since I'm not exactly sure.)


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Believe it or not, I actually read an article about that process. I believe it was in Time magazine.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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57
57
Review of Homecoming  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the beginning. The descriptions were a great hook. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: I loved the story's plot. It was so original and engaging; I just couldn't stop reading! *thunmbsup*

You paced the story very well and had a very interesting conflict. I loved the take on home in this. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The main character was very three-dimensional. I was expecting him to jump out of the screen any moment! His personality shone through his thoughts. Everything he did was realistic and easy for anyone to connect with - except for being in space, of course! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were awesome! I loved the powerful imagery; I could picture everything clearly in my mind as I read. The images didn't leave either; they stayed with me throughout the story. Excellent! *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Looking at the display, the brilliant swirls of light, typical of tachyon travel, dimmed throwing the solitary figure's visage into shadowed relief as the bridge lighting automatically adjusted. I think there should be a comma after dimmed. However, it's probably not necessary; I just felt that a slight pause there could be helpful to the flow of the sentence.

Air, water, land masses all seemed identical in relationship to pre-contamination Earth. I would put a dash after Air, water, land masses. Again, this isn't necessary, just something I would do. *Smile*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved this sentence: he needed to see, to touch, to make it real. It could be applied to almost anything; it was very powerful.

I loved this description: Like a beautiful symphony, words and images began to play across his mind.

Another powerful sentence: They were tears of joy for his homecoming; they were tears of sadness for realizing he'd never meet these peaceful and loving ancestors.

I also loved the ending! (Boy, I sure do love a lot of things about this. *Bigsmile*) The little ditty was a great touch, a great way to end a great story. *Thumbsup*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: This piece is great. The words are so powerful, especially woven together they way you wrote them. Great job!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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58
58
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Acme !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I really liked the beginning of this story. It was very different, and a great hook. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was well-maintained throughout the story. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was engaging and interesting, as was the conflict. You paced the story very well. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Tyra was a very interesting character. I loved her insight on everything around her, especially about the concept of Time. Her "musings" offered a lot of insight into her personality and what kind of a person she was. Excellent job making her feel real! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were very good. I could clearly picture everything within this story, from Tyra's looks to the netting on the bottom. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I would change the colon within So, let us focus on the picture instead: to a period.

In the following sentences, I would change the semi-colons to commas: Well, firstly; because I have never known of a single recorded case of one dying by failing to reach a cargo net. Secondly; because they are so unnaturally light won't they just fall gently to the ground like a bug jettisoned out of a housewife's window? Thirdly (and very finally); If I do wind up dead at least I'll be a pretty corpse and no-one will mind that my underwear doesn't match.


Like Kirk Douglas rising against the authority of Rome I hear a rich, satin voice come from within me,

"I AM TYRA."
If you wish to keep the comma after the first sentence, I suggest that you attach the dialogue to it. If you want to keep the two paragraphs separate, make sure the first ends in a period.

I would make sure that the dialogue is attached to its respective dialogue tag: "That was amazing, Tyra!" He enthuses. // "I believe I am." I reply, tossing my sweaty curled locks over my shoulder and cricking my neck in the process. Also, in the second sentence, the word sweatly should instead be "sweetly." Otherwise, her curls would be coated with sweat. *Bigsmile*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved that you masked the fact that she was training (I suppose it was training) for the Marines with the fact that she viewed herself as a model in order to accomplish things in her life.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: The first three paragraphs were amazing! The words flowed so smoothly from sentence to sentence, without a pause. I was so caught up in what was going on. You wove the words together excellently.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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59
59
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review done as a task for "AUTHORS' SPOTLIGHT - Season 6" .

Hi jblackgloves number 35. !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


I loved the theme within this poem. You portrayed what you wanted to say and made it clear to readers.

I am guessing that this is a free-form poem as I could not detect any form that I know of. You did a good job with it.

I felt that the poem could have benefitted from more of a structure, whether it is in a rhyming scheme or the relative similarity of the lengths of the lines.




MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION):

There is great depth within you
Everything is right about you.
I would add a semi-colon at the end of the first line, in order to connect the similar sentences and to add the flow.

Though the hands on the clock tick away with you time stands still.
I would add a comma after tick away.

It is something I wish for all the time.
I added the article there because I felt it was necessary.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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60
60
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Gret beginning! I was really hooked, wondering what had happened to Steven to put him in that situation. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The story followed the prompt well, with an excellent pace flowing through it. The conflict was engaging and somewhat mysterious, I have to say. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I loved the names! *Bigsmile* The various characters really made the story, along with their personalities. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: Excellent use of descriptions to help readers imagine the scene! *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I would include the punctuation within 'shuuush'. in the quotation marks.

I'm not alone,, he thought as the dots began connecting and morphed into a group of people. Only one comma is needed after the thought.

His query was answered by a series of head shakes and one muttered "Aren't you the Captain?" Place a comma before the dialogue.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Hmm. I can't quote figure this one out. At the end, I thought maybe it was a set for something? Or some kind of skit? I don't know, this one's got me stumped... I liked it though. *Smile*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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61
61
Review of Wishcraft  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: It was a nice touch adding the prompted image to the piece. I really liked that you started off this short story with descriptions of the night. Great job! *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was maintained excellently throughout the piece. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot followed the prompt well. The pace was consistent throughout, with not a bump to deter it. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Michelle's personality shone through the piece. *Thumbsup* However, I couldn't really tell how old she was in the piece. In the beginning, I thought maybe she was around 8 or 10. Later, I thought she might be around 13. Her age is not necessary to the story, just something I thought I'd point out. *Smile*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were excellent. I could really see everything occurring within the story. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): A cool pine-scented April breeze tickled her curtains causing them to squirm just like she used to do when she played with her father. I would add a comma after her curtains.

With a sigh, she thought There I go again. // She realized What I miss the most is knowing he's here! Place a comma before the italicized thoughts.

I added an article in Let's make a wish. because I felt that it was necessary.

Her startled yelp was cut short as she heard "What, Munchkin... don't you want your picture taken?" Add a comma before the dialogue.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Nice job following the prompts and combining the two contests.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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62
62
Review of Illusions  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great beginning! I liked that you started off the piece with descriptions. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: Excellent maintenance of the POV. The switch at the end was seamlessly done. *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: What an original, interesting, and highly entertaining plot! I loved how you used the prompt. *Thumbsup*

You paced the piece very well, moving in coordination with Merlin's thoughts and actions and the world around him. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I loved Merlin's character, even if he was a cockroach. You portrayed his personality very well, using his thoughts to show readers what he's really liked. I love how absorbed he became in his thoughts. It reminded me of my friend, who walks into walls - and other hard objects - quite a lot because she is always so intent on things. Great job! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions you used really brought the story to life for me. I felt as if I were right there with Merlin - although I would rather not have been - as he cruised through the streets and perceived life around him. Great job using the senses! *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Dusky images played on the rough-hewn wall as bits of rubbish – mostly discarded newspaper and forgotten plastic bags - danced down the street to the music of the wind. I felt that an article was needed there.

His clan had a long history, however, serving as spies and he now found himself on this small backwater planet following in the proud footsteps of his ancestors. I would add another comma after serving as spies. However, this isn't necessary; it just seemed to me like another pause was needed in that part of the sentence.

He had seen thousands of his fellow soldiers, in their hiding places preparing for the initial assault, twitching, dying. I felt that the pause the first comma created was unnecessary.

Only a few more block to go, crossed his mind. The word block should be plural.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: The ending! I laughed out loud. Poor Merlin! *Bigsmile*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Good luck at the Summer Splash! I should probably start on my entry for this too... *Smile*

And I still hate cockroaches. Even though it was very interesting to read into their minds like that. Disgusting creatures. *Pthb*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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63
63
Review of The Memorable Day  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great beginning! I was hooked immediately. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the piece. You did a good job interweaving Betty Jean's thoughts throughout the story. *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original. It grabbed my attention and didn't let go for a single second. You did a really good job captivating me with every word. *Thumbsup*

The story was paced well with an excellent conflict that had me gripping my seat with sweaty palms.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: You created two strong characters within this piece. Betty Jean was portrayed as a bubbly girl full of life, while her boyfriend Billy liked to dip into the dangerous. Their personalities were excellently portrayed. They both felt so real, as if i knew them in real life. Great job! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: Great descriptions! I loved that you used as many of the senses as you could to make the story come alive. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Within Day's like this, the first word should not be in the possessive form.

His handsome face creased with a smile making that made her sigh. I thought the sentence would read better written that way.

I would change the ellipsis within all he said... all he had to say to a comma.

I would connect the two lines of dialogue within "I hear he's been working on that clunker trying to soup it up," he laughed, "ever since I whupped his ass in a race last month." before the dialogue tag.

Hitting the shoulder gravel, Betty Jean felt the car begin to roll. The way this sentence is worded, it sounded as if Betty Jean hit the shoulder gravel instead of the car.

Then, they were airborne and time slowed to a crawl as she watched the sky slowly take the grounds place. I would delete the comma and make grounds possessive.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I love this sentence: Billy had spent hours telling her all the things he'd done and not a single word took root, let alone blossomed into understanding in her mind.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Wow! What a fantastic ending! I didn't expect that last paragraph at all. *Thumbsup*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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64
64
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi a. waits !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
COURTESY OF "Invalid Item" 


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great beginning! I was automatically intrigued, wondering who the captivating girl was. Good hook! *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: Interesting plot. There's not much to it other than a boy trying to get the beautiful, elusive girl, but it has potential. You paced the piece very well. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: For a first chapter, the characters are pretty well-represented. Make sure you explore their personalities in more detail in the later chapters!

Something seems fishy about Averlyn, like she's hiding something from everyone around her. Maybe she's in witness protection, or is an ambassador's daughter, or a witch... I'll have to read on to find out!

The following sentence really showed Eli's personality clearly: If anyone was a living and breathing story, it was Averlyn Cooper... and I intended to read her cover to cover.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were good, but I felt that you could have used a lot more throughout the chapter, especially to describe the setting.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Before I approached her, I gazed at her image. This sentence made me think of Eli staring at a painting or a picture. I think "profile" or "silhouette" would work better here.

She seemed very focused on her notes, almost too focused, as if she was only trying to appear focused. I would change the first comma within this sentence to a dash.

On the positive, I had an opportunity. On the negative... well, I wasn't really prepared for that. The phrases I underlined here sounded awkward to me as I read.

When three thirty rolled around on Thursday, I was very heedful of my behavior, afraid anything I did could displease her so quickly that she might not follow through with the lecture. I felt that the word heedful could have been better used as "mindful."


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: You had a really nice ending here. Eli was left hanging and so was I (though not in a bad way in either circumstance).


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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65
65
In affiliation with Upgrade Aides  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi emerin-liseli !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
THIS REVIEW IS IN CONJUNCTION WITH DAY 12 OF "UPGRADE AIDE CONTEST" .


Hello Emerin! I am here to review the contest as part of the last day's round.

I thoroughly enjoyed participating in this contest! The themes for each day were challenging and exciting. From reviews to limericks to participating in discussions, each contestant was challenged in ways that shaped their writing. I loved each challenge; for the ones I missed, I went back and read over the rules and the contestants' entries. I'm sorry I had to miss those; they looked interesting!

Unfortunately, the contest was marred by someone's feeling that the contest was biased. I thought you handled the situation very well, though. You handled it with care and precision, explaining yourself and trying to placate everyone.

I thought that the contest might have been a bit too long. Things happen in everyone's daily lives that deter them from participating in the contest every day, as it did for me. I feel that a week-long contest might be more effective.

After rereading the rules and how the contest works, I realized that you had said that "there will be twelve rounds with twelve different themes." However, many of the themes were similar. For example, today is the third day, I believe, that reviewing was a central part of the theme. Next time, I suggest that you try expanding the range of the themes so that they encompass a wide variety of writing experiences.

I know that this might not be possible, but I was wondering if there is a way that the judging could be done quicker? Having hosted a contest before, I know that this isn't easy. It is only a suggestion.

Overall, this was a great contest that challenged my abilities as a writer. Thank you for presenting us with this wonderful opportunity!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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66
66
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi StephBee - House Targaryen !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
COURTESY OF "Invalid Item" 


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the first line of your letter! It drew me into the rest of the story and also gave me a quick glimpse at your personality. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was well maintained throughout the piece with a strong narrating voice. *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: Simple, yet highly entertaining. The plot was original and engaging, paced well with a funny conflict. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I loved your voice in this letter! Your bubbly personality really shone through all of the descriptions you used to describe your day. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: *Sigh* I wish I could have been in that park... It sounded like such a wonderful place to be! The descriptions you used were excellent and really brought the piece to life for me. *Thumbsup*

Derrick teased us about the animal smells coming from the farm. It would have been great if you could provide examples as to how Derrick teased you!


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The word suppose within the plane we were suppose to take should instead be "supposed."

He laughed and took us to a place called Stanley Park. I inserted the word there because I felt it was necessary to maintain the flow of the sentence.

Jean-Paul, the tall, dark, handsome guy asked the driver what was so special about a park. I would add another comma after handsome guy, to close off the descriptive phrase.

“Stanley Park is just the oldest, prettiest park in Vancouver.” Derrick scoffed. I felt that the period within the dialogue should have been a comma instead, to connect it with the dialogue tag that comes after.

I wouldn't suggest putting more than one character's dialogue in the same sentence, like you did in the paragraph starting Jean-Paul, the tall...

There were beaches (3 sides of Vancouver border the ocean) a water park, and a heated ocean side swimming pool! Another comma is needed after the parentheses. I also felt that there should have been a dash in between ocean side.

The word breed within Derrick was a California boy, born and breed should instead be the past tense "bred."

I can’t begin to describe these exotic flowers – red, white, yellow, pink with fragrances so wonderful I thought this must have been what the Garden of Eden smelled like. I suggest that you add another dash after the colors you listed, both to close off the descriptions and to show that all of the colored flowers had fragrances so wonderful.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I don't have a favorite part. *Frown* I loved the whole thing too much! *Bigsmile*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I would suggest separating the word count some more from the actual story.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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67
67
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi Sticktalker !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was a little slow for me. You stated the basic premise of the story, yet it sounded stale. Try to liven up the beginning a bit.


STYLE & POV: The POV was well-maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and paced well. *Thumbsup*

The conflict wasn't as engaging as it could be. If you made the story more realistic and livened it up, the conflict would be better able to grab readers' attention.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Billy seemed rather... stupid. (Sorry, I couldn't think of any other way to put it.) Did you mean to present him as rather slow, in that he was unable to grasp what was going on right in front of him? If you did, it made the story seem more unrealistic. I grasped what was going on right away, and I shied away from Billy when he was still clueless as I approached the end of the story. It just didn't seem realistic to me that Billy could go for so long without realizing that his wife was cheating on him.

The dialogue was rather good. You captured Carol's personality in every word she spoke. Excellent work! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were pretty good, although I felt that you could have used a lot more, either in describing the setting/scenery or in describing the characters.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Well, here it is, Feb. 7, 2007 and our Seventh Wedding Anniversary will be coming up in only six days, and I still haven’t figured out what to get my wife. This is a run-on sentence. Could you break it up somehow?

I really think you should spell out the words in a gal for reg.

Besides she never brings any mail home. I would insert a comma after the first word, to create a short pause.

That takes her longer for some reason, sometimes she’s there all day. Since this sentence is comprised of two separate ideas, the comma should be a semi-colon.

The second No within “No, No, dear,” shouldn't be capitalized.

The semi-colon at the end of “Because it’s DIGITAL!” she snapped back; should instead be a period.

When you put words in quotation marks to emphasize throughout the story, use either single or double quotation marks throughout. Don't vary between the two; just pick one. (Ex.: ‘digital’ and “dummy”)

Thursday, when I got home at 5:15 Carol was already home from the hair dressers and was pissy as hell. I suggest that you add another comma after the time, to close off the phrase.

The comma at the end of I picked it up and looked at it, should instead be a period, as it is the end of the sentence.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: The story seemed rather bland to me as I read it. I feel that if you made Billy more realistic and threw in a couple of descriptions here and there, the story would be "spicier."


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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68
68
Review of Homer  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Sticktalker !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: You had a good beginning here. You introduced an aspect of Billy's personality from the start, letting readers get a feel of him before they get to his story. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was very well maintained throughout the story. GOod job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original (and really gross!). It was paced really well. Its conflict is realistic and easy to identify with; everyone has been late for something at least once in their lifetime. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Billy's thoughts sounded like that of a young boy, around thirteen years of age, based on the language he used. You portrayed his character well, with appropriate dialogue. *Thumbsup*

He does seem like a gross little boy, though. Yuck, touching garbage? EWW! But that is very characteristic of a young boy his age, so good job with that! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were very good. The words you used really helped me to visualize the scenery and hear the sounds of Billy's "music" with the garbage cans and wooden fence. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): can make it with time to spare; No need to run and kill myself. Since you used a semi-colon, there is no need to capitalize No.

The dialogue tags you inserted after all of Billy's thoughts aren't really necessary, since his thoughts are already italicized.

Why did you use quotation marks in a tall woman's “heel”? Also, what makes the heel belong to a tall woman? Couldn't a short woman own a heel? Try to make this clearer.

Billy could hear his moms’ friends in the dining room playing bridge. Billy only has one mom. Therefore, mom' should instead be "mom's."

Honey, do us a favor, there’s a box of chocolates on the kitchen counter. I suggest that you separate this into two sentences at the second comma.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved it when Billy took the stick and started to make "music" with it. Great touch!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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69
69
Review of What You Wish For  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi LdyPhoenix !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was excellent. You captured the mood of the story extremely well, from the very start. Good job! *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: You did a great job maintaining the POV throughout the piece. *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and entertaining. It was paced excellently, and the conflict was developed very well. I loved how you made the conflict around the masks seem formidable. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Marcus was a very strong character. I felt like I knew him after only the first couple of paragraphs. Marcus and the dialogue were both so real! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were excellent. I could really picture the room the auction was held in and Marcus' vault. Great job! *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Some of the world's who's who were in attendance, bidding on priceless art pieces that weren't necessarily on sale legally. The word who's sounded rather awkward to me. Is there another way you could say this?

None of that mattered to him, all he wanted was the mask. I suggest that you change the comma within this sentence to a semi-colon, to separate the different ideas. Do the same to the first comma in the following sentence: Marcus smiled to himself, with a few well placed bribes, he was sure to get the last bid.

Excitement made Marcus palms sweaty. Marcus' name should be made possessive here.

The gods of Anarchy and Chaos hung of either side of the God of War. The word of is used incorrectly here, and should instead be "on."

What would it be like to have that much power, Marcus wondered. In the rest of the story, whenever Marcus thought or wondered something, you use quotation marks. Here, however, you don't. Try to remain consistent throughout the piece.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the ending, although it did leave me hanging.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: What happened to Marcus? The possibilities are endless. I;m stuck between him dying or turning into a mask himself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY *Bigsmile*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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70
70
Review of Broken  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi LdyPhoenix !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The first sentence really drew me in. I was intrigued as to what exactly the conversation started. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original with an engaging conflict that had me rooting for Niema. You paced the story excellently. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Niema was a strong character. Her personality started to shine through toward the middle of the story. *Thumbsup* (It's not necessary, but do you think you could somehow bring her personality alive more in the beginning of the story, so that readers empathize with her from the very start?)

You successfully captured the essence of dialogue in every word the characters spoke. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I felt that you had just the right amount of descriptions in this piece, each of which helped me to see the scene. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The ladies sat outside on the her mother's apartment balcony to their usual cup of tea and cucumber finger sandwiches. Choose only one word, the her (I'd go with her).

I suggest that you add the article "a" after it was in She was positive that it was sign to invest in a new Buick.

The verb within and lead the conversation is in the present tense. I suggest that you change it to the past tense, "led."

I think you should add the article "the" after Niema went to in That night, Niema went to back of her closet and dug out her old case that was buried under seasonal table clothes.

She played from the memory the raise and fall of the notes with the movement of her bow. The word I underlined within this sentence is used incorrectly. I believe you meant to use "rise." I also felt that this sentence read awkwardly to me; I'm not sure why, though. If I think of why I'll let you know!

To me, the word blaring within the sound of a car blaring horn didn't seem necessary in the sentence. I believe that the sentence would have flowed more smoothly without it.

"Took a mighty tumbled, didn't it?" Within this dialogue, the word tumbled should instead be "tumble."

After a moment's pause, he set it back gently in it's case. The word it's is used incorrectly within this sentence. It should instead be the possessive "its."

For the first time since lunch with her mother Niema felt herself breath. The word breath is a noun. I believe you wanted to use the verb "breathe" here.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I felt that near-death experience was rather cliche. Could you think of another way for Niema to change her mind about playing her violin?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *Bigsmile*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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71
71
Review of The Oil Rig  
In affiliation with Upgrade Aides  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi emerin-liseli !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is in accordance with DAY 2 of
UPGRADE AIDE CONTEST  (13+)
Need an Upgrade? Willing to work for it? ;) Grand Prizes are 3 Month Upgraded Memberships!
#1430328 by emerin-liseli



FIRST IMPRESSIONS: You had a great beginning. You introduced the underlying problem of the story well. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and easy for readers to believe. The conflict was believable as well, even with the addition of the leprechaun. You paced the story very well. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Sean's personality shone through all of his thoughts and actions, especially when he took out his anger on the forest. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: Excellent use of descriptions of the bay and the oil rig! Everything seemed so real, as if I were there in Crofton myself.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): There were no errors that I could find. Excellent job! *Thumbsup*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the ending, when the leprechaun visited Sean and gave him new hope. Everyone loves a happy ending! *Smile*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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72
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi J. A. Buxton !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the foreshadowing at the beginning of the story. Too bad their ship was destroyed at the end. *Frown* *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and oh so interesting! It was rather humorous, and I really enjoyed reading it. The pace worked excellently for the story. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I loved the aliens. I thought it rather strange that you called each of them "its," but nevertheless they were each strong characters. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were equally strong. I could picture everything in my mind as I read, from the aliens' first views of Earth to the aliens' descriptions of the boy's mouth. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): There were absolutely no errors that I could find. Excellent job! *Thumbsup*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I loved this story! I figured that they were on Earth, but I didn't expect the mouth to be a boy's! You made excellent use of suspense here. (I hope you placed in the contest!)

I also loved the little "backdrop" at the end, careening away from the aliens' lives toward those of the celebrators around the,/


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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73
73
Review of Lavender Blue  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ShellySunshine !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
COURTESY OF "Invalid Item" 


Great imagery within this poem! My favorite was the entire second stanza. *Smile*

I thought that there could be more punctuation within each stanza, as it appeared to me that there were more than on sentence in each (like within the first stanza). However, it is not necessary, just something that stood out to me.

I would also suggest that you separate the title a bit more from the poem itself.

I'm not an expert on poetry, s I'm going to take a guess and assume this is free verse. If you used a form, however, let me know and I'll come back and check out that aspect of the poem.

All in all, I really enjoyed having the opportunity to read this poem with its wonderful imagery.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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74
74
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
REVIEW COURTESY OF "Invalid Item" 


Hi ShellySunshine !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


I really liked this! I'm guessing this was an assignment that you had to do, along with Bullcash? You did wonderfully.

I loved that the girl spoke in poetry and the boy in prose. It provided insight into their character and brought the story to life. It was an interesting reprieve from other writing.

I have to admit, though. The differences in POV didn't hit me until the fourth "paragraph." I was a little slow on it *Blush*.

The girl's POV and the boy's flowed smoothly from one to the other. I loved their different takes on what was going on between them.

Some Suggestions
*Check1* Go back and check over the girl's POV sections. I felt that most of them needed punctuation, if not only at the end.
*Check1* In the girl's line, Back to an age when his love was, mine, the comma is not necessary and only serves to hinder the flow. If you meant to put a pause there, use a dash (although I wouldn't suggest using a pause).
*Check1* In So it was, Anna 's feelings for me had gained momentum. make sure that the possessive form of Anna is not separated from itself.
*Check1* Usually I would suggest to anyone that they should keep multiple characters' dialogues separate from each other. In this case, however, it seems to work for you. *Thumbsup*
*Check1* The following line confused me a bit: Normally he's more attentive when I tell him things." Also, the quotation mark at the end has no beginning, if you meant this to be dialogue.
*Check1* Ending quotation marks are needed in I forgot you told me your brother would be here today.
*Check1* The semi-colon in My folks have a cabin up on Rapture Mountain; Anna replied should instead be an ending quotation mark.

Overall, great job incorporating this story with another writer!

The imagery was great in the boy's POV. I could really see everything around the two characters!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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75
75
Rated: E | (4.5)
REVIEW COURTESY OF "Invalid Item" 


Hi fyn !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I have to say that all of the exclamation points in the beginning almost scared me off. I'm not a big fan of excessive punctuation. However, I soon learned that they were an integral part, as they showed Kira's personality/character.


STYLE & POV: I loved the way these letters were structured. It was highly original and an interesting break from the norm. *Thumbsup* However, I would suggest that you separate the letters a bit more. (And since we're on the subject, make sure all of your paragraphs are separated.)


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: I loved the little challenges Kira faced, and how she overcame them. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Kira was such an amazing character! Her personality shone strongly through her letters. Her enthusiasm and childish anxiety were contagious. Grand was also a very strong character. She was so realistic in that she both gave Kira advice and laughed along with her and shared her granddaughter's enthusiasm. Both characters tugged at my heart. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were excellent! I loved Kira's intake on everything around her, and her enthusiasm for everything. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): There were no grammatical, spelling, or punctuation mistakes that I could find. Great job! *Thumbsup*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved this whole story, but here were a few of my favorite lines:
Seems like a long time to wait for a flower. Such childish innocence!
Oh! gozIntas are division…you know, 5 gozinta 25 how many times? (5) I admit that I laughed out loud when I read this one. I had no idea what was coming.
My island looks like it is sleeping cuddled under a snow blanket. Cute description that totally captures Kira's personality.
I will share my island with you, Grand. It will be our island. Aww!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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