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26
26
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Hi Redtowrite !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great beginning! I was hooked right from the start. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was maintained pretty well throughout the story. My only concern was the tense shifting. In the beginning, you had the story within present tense, then slipped into past tense when telling Andersen's story. However, you stayed in the past tense at the end of the story, when you returned back to the present. I would fix this.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: What exactly happened a month before this story takes place? From what I read, it sounded as if he was going to be executed... But if that were so, why is he still alive? It made me pause in the story, and that really isn't something you want your readers to do, especially in the beginning. (Note - I realized in the end that you explained the situation. However, I still believe you need to clue readers in somehow in the beginning; you don't need to give readers the full story, but just a little something so that they don't stop reading altogether and wonder to themselves what had just happened.)


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The background story you provided gave a lot of insight into Andersen's character. However, I still felt there was something lacking. I can't quite pin my finger on it, but I felt there was a vital part of Andersen that was missing, something I needed in order to be able to fully connect with him and his plight.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were okay. I felt that they could have used some work. Describing emotions, people, settings - all must be shown to the reader rather than told.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The tray in front of him is untouched, the bloody sirloin, loaded baked potato, salad and pecan pie make him nauseous.

With his last ounce of strength, he pushed the plate to the floor.

You refer to the prison that Andersen is in by two different names within the second paragraph. I'm no expert on prisons, that's for sure, but shouldn't it have only one name?

With Louisiana's humidly and hundred- degree temperatures, the lifers raise crops to sell and for their own table. I would change the word humidly to humidity.

Lee passed by a new pawn shop in town. Since everything starting with this sentence and on for a bit is in the past, a memory, I would differentiate it more - perhaps by using the past progressive instead of just the past tense. However, this is just my opinion, and for all I know it can work quite well the way you have it.

Watch out for paragraph separation. Make sure all of your paragraphs have the proper spacing between them.

Levon was also a fine guitar picker and joined the band. He had a Stratocaster and a Marshall amp. Musicians were going electric. Levon's presence and expertise helped them but the drugs were a black omen of things to come. I felt that, within this entire paragraph, you were telling the reader instead of showing them what was going on. Within fiction, it is very important for a writer to be able to write something that their readers can see clearly; a writer doesn't want to just list things out for their readers and leave nothing to be left for the imagination.

I don't know if this was intentional or not, but the names of drugs, like pot and heroin, do not need to be capitalized. However, if your intention was to personify and personalize them, then I guess you can leave them capitalized.

Change the comma in After all Doc had been through it was hard to kill him, he fought to live. to a semi-colon, to properly separate the different clauses.

The drugs he had snatched weren't narcotics;' all the good stuff must a have been double locked. The quotation mark/apostrophe within this sentence should not be there.

He was like "death" walking around while they fixed the chair. Are the quotation marks around death really necessary here?


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I really liked this story. You had a great idea that, with a little bit of work, can turn into a fantastic short story.
P.S. Congratulations on being nominated in the Quills! I know how great of an honor it is, and how great it makes you feel.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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27
27
Review of The Blue Mustang  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi anastasia beyverhausen !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your "Invalid Item"  package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great opening sentence. I was hooked immediately, wondering what it was the two sisters were about to do.


STYLE & POV: The POV was well-maintained through the story, although in some instance the sisters' views seemed to shift (and I wasn't sure if this was intentional or not). If it was intentional, good job! I thought it worked well with the story.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and something most readers can relate to. Although I've never done it myself, I've gotten the urge to key someone's car many times.

The pacing of the story was very good. Even the ending was paced perfectly, with nothing too fast or too slow.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were pretty well displayed for such a short piece. I got a good feel for what kind of people they were. I do with you had shown readers that Ingrid was the stronger one, instead of telling them.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: There wasn't much of a setting within this piece. I would have liked to learn of Michelle's surroundings while she keyed the car. Was it quiet, or were there dogs howling in the distance? Was the moon reflecting off of the windshield? These little things can really help to bring a story to life.

I also felt that describing how the girls acted or looked - instead of simply telling your readers what they did - was a crucial part of the story that you missed, as this can keep your readers interested longer.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I could find nothing wrong with this piece. Great job!


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Great ending. Although it was sad to hear that the sisters had destroyed the wrong car, I still found humor in the way I pictured Michelle turning to her sister.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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28
28
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi Tadpole1 !
This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I felt that the beginning of this story was a little weak. There was no real introduction to the story. I know it's hard to set up a story when writing flash fiction, but I felt you could have introduced the setting a bit better than just saying that Cynthia was in the dressing room.


STYLE & POV: The POV was pretty well maintained throughout the story. There were some parts where the POV shifted a bit from Cynthia's, but for most of the time it remained with Cynthia.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was simple, with a surprise ending. It was entertaining as well. The only minor problem had to do with setting, which I'll discuss later.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I was unable to learn anything of Cynthia's character within this piece. The background information you laid out about her - the fact that she was a performer, that she danced well - intrigued me, but left big holes in the process. I would have liked to see those holes filled. Again, I know this can be difficult within such a short piece, but you could include a couple of small habits or quirks Cynthia has to establish her character.

The closer the mime drew, the faster she twirled. Where did the mime come from? I thought a mannequin was following her... If the mannequin was really a mime, then I feel as if you should have introduced the concept so that it would be easier for readers to understand it.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The settings seemed all over the place. In the beginning, every sentence seemed to bring a new scene. I suggest you keep the story within the minimum amount of settings, since it is so short - or at least make the changes in settings flow more smoothly from one to the other.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): In the dressing room, Cynthia spilt coffee on her snowy gown for her small town’s evening’s performance of Giselle. The word evening's should not be in the possessive form, but the plural form. Also, since it is the name of a show, Giselle should either be put within quotation marks or italicized.

I felt that the last part of she headed for the ballet section, near the mirrors. wasn't really necessary. You had already mentioned that they were lined in front of mirrors, about two sentences before.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I have to say, I didn't expect the beginning. It was pretty funny. *Smile*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: This might just be a personal preference of mine, but I suggest that you further differentiate the prompt and the word count from the actual story. It's easier for readers to follow that way. I usually center it, and bold the letters, adding some color in some instances. This is only my opinion, however, and not something that is necessary for you to do.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*




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29
29
Review of Emily's Room  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was very realistic. Emily's mother reminded me of my own, so I wanted to know what would happen next.


STYLE & POV: The POV was well maintained throughout the story.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: There was a simplicity to this plot that really worked well for the story. The pacing was excellent; nothing seemed rushed or too slow.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters seemed very real. I instantly connected with Emily, as my own mother is just like hers. Mothers always seem to know when their daughters aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing. *Bigsmile*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were pretty good, especially those of the clouds. I felt that more descriptions could have greatly benefited the story, however. Descriptions of the settings, especially the room, and of the dragon itself could have made the story come more alive.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): As she placed the last of the towels in the closet, her mother's radar captured her as she heard "If you're done, why don't you go outside for a bit? It's a beautiful day." A comma is needed after the dialogue tag, before the actual dialogue. Also, I didn't really understand what you meant by her mother's radar...

"Ouch," he yelled, "Now who's startling who?" Since this is all one sentence, the second part of the dialogue should not be capitalized.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I really liked the entire story, but I have to say the mother was my favorite part, just because she reminded me of my own so much. *Heart*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*




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30
30
Review of First Apples  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Budroe !
This review is part of your Showering Acts of Joy package.
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I really liked the first sentence. It was intriguing enough for me to keep on reading, to find out exactly what the story was about. Good job creating a good hook for readers.


STYLE & POV: The POV was very well maintained throughout the story. You did a good job sticking to one view and capitalizing on it.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was simple and easy for readers to relate to, whether they grew up near mountains, in the country, or near a big city. The enthusiasm of the child was so easy to relate to, and really added to the action of the story.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Bud was a great character. His childlike innocence and enthusiasm shone through the words, tugging at readers' hearts.

The dialogue was excellent and truly suited the two characters and their personalities.

I loved how you portrayed "Grandpa" as one of the children. *Bigsmile* His enthusiasm for what the children loved was great.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were very good. You captured the scene perfectly and helped readers to envision the surroundings as the story took place.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The first period found within The dirt "road" we lived on had a name and even a number. but no one who lived on it could tell you what they were. should instead be a comma.

I saw an old man (actually, it was Paulie Combs’ Grandpa), sitting by the edge of the road. I'm not a big fan of parentheses in writing, unless it is technical writing. I would get rid of the parentheses, adding dashes instead if need be; you don't have to do this, however. It is only a personal preference of mine.

“First Apples!” Why are both words capitalizes? When you mentioned the first apples later, neither word was capitalized. Therefore, I suggest you only capitalize the first word in the sentence, and not the entire noun.

I suggest that you connect the following two sentences: He was waiting for me, standing right by that old tire. His shoestring tied, the basket of apples by him on the ground. Since the second sentence is only descriptions, it cannot really stand by itself.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved Bud's enthusiasm about getting the mail and the apples. It was really something anyone could relate to, no matter your age.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Is this based on your life? I noticed the main character's name was Bud...


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*




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31
31
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi EvilDawg - Vigilante Ranger!! !
You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work. If you'd like to contact us or request a review of one of your own items, feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"  and let us know! This review is being rewarded on behalf of your review, Review of "Born of Fire" , that I came across on the Public Reviewing Page.
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!



FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the beginning. I could clearly picture the big buff guy calling Evan a little princess. *Smile*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. You did a good job with insight into Evan's minds.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was interesting and engaging. It kept me reading. I loved the conflict; you portrayed it excellently.

I felt that the action within the piece might have been a bit rushed. It was the only instance in which I thought the pace of the action was a bit off.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were well-developed, even in such a short piece as this one. I loved how you portrayed Lana as a somewhat meek woman, then gave her immense strength when faced with danger.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were pretty good. I felt that you could have described the setting some more, however.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I felt that the comma within She leaned in close, “Some people, huh?” should instead be a period, since the first half of the sentence isn't a dialogue tag and therefore should not be connected with the second half of the sentence. The same goes for the following: “No you were a perfect gentleman,” Svetlana grabbed his hand with her other hand and caressed it. and Evan stood, and held his arms up, “Okay, everyone just calm down. No one is going to hurt anybody.”

Just then, a voice from right behind Evan, “How sweet, young love, it warms the cockles of my heart.” I would add a tag before the dialogue, such as said or whispered.

Evan was visibly shaking, but he tried to keep up tough appearances for his young date; which proved to be unnecessary. I suggest you change the semi-colon within this sentence to a comma.

The word bye within the sentence “Listen fellas, if you leave now, and I mean leave and don’t ever come back here, I will spare you not only pain but also embarrassment of getting your ass kicked bye a girl,” she said as she kicked her chair back with enough force to slam into the vacant table behind her. should instead be by.

The comma within “And just how do you plan on doing that,” The biker motioned for his pals to come over. should instead be a period.

I suggest you change the commas within The table was now surrounded by these miscreants, they growled and hissed at the couple. and Evan felt a strong heat on his face and hands, he cautiously raised an eyelid and saw that every one of the men who intended them harm were on fire. to semi-colons, to separate the different clauses.

“Evan, I’m sorry” Lana said, “This will be over in a flash.” I would add a comma within the first dialogue, and make sure nothing is capitalized within the second.

Lana raised her arms up and started chanting, Evan couldn’t make out the words, it was as if as soon as you heard them they disappeared from memory. I would separate this into two sentences, starting at Evan's name. I would also change the comma that would go into the second sentence to a semi-colon.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved Evan's shock. It was very realistic.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Overall, I enjoyed reading this story.




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32
32
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Cassie Kat !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I wasn't really sure what to expect in the beginning of this story. I pictured an overly happy family preparing for their Thanksgiving dinner. I felt that a stronger hook was needed. As it was, the beginning of this story didn't entice me to read the rest. There was nothing there to pull me into the story and to keep me reading.


STYLE & POV: The POV was maintained pretty well throughout the story.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was strong in places, and weak in others. I felt that you could have added some more to the general plot. The background you provided worked well, however.

My father was estranged... I thought that the narrator's father had died?


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: There wasn't really much to the characters in this story, other than they all belonged to one crazy family. There was nothing about the characters for readers to grasp or relate to. The personalities of the characters all seemed to mush together; none was distinct. I feel that if you differentiated the characters from one another, it would greatly add to the story. Giving your readers the ability to connect with the characters also strengthens the story, and keeps the readers reading. It also helps readers remember your characters better.

“Come an' sit wiff me, futah brotha in low!” I appreciate your attempt at a British accent, but I just can't see where within this dialogue the British accent is supposed to be. To me, it sounds like a fat young child talking, not a grown British man.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions you included within the story were pretty good. They created a somewhat fuzzy picture, however. I felt that you could have taken the descriptions further, including them in the story instead of just having the narrator list them off.

I felt that, after saying something such as (that is, if you even consider Agnes to be a woman!), you really should have expanded on the idea. Nowhere within the story did I find evidence that Agnes looked like a man. Further support for this would add credibility to the narrator.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): “Come, my beautiful family, let's ready ourselves for the feast!” My father said cheerfully, his big loud voice making the apartment feel warmer and brighter than the candles that decorated the table. Since the dialogue is connected to its dialogue tag, the word My should not be capitalized. I noticed that you did the same in many other sentences. I suggest that you go back through the story to catch the places where this happens. If you would like me to list all of them for you, feel free to email me back and I would be more than glad to do so.

“Help me finish bringing the food out.” Since this is found at the end of the sentence, there should be no capitalization present at the beginning of the dialogue.

With all of the exclamation points present within the dialogue in the beginning of the story, it seemed to me as if everyone was shouting at each other. Unless they really are shouting, I suggest you change some, or all, of the exclamation points to simples periods.

Even before Thanksgiving dinner A.J. Couldn't set aside both his dislike of me and his jealousy towards me and my father. The word Couldn't shouldn't be capitalized within this sentence.

Stick with only one form of punctuation within (though the fact that he actually found a girlfriend amazes me to no end!).

The first the within I can see the some of the similarities as well. is not necessary; I suggest that you get rid of it.

The word is with is rather should instead be its.

She teeters about for a moment; almost losing her grip on the bowl, then releases an exasperated sigh. The semi-colon present within this sentence should instead be a comma, as there are no independent clauses to be connected, only parts of the same sentence.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I suggest that you add more spacing in between paragraphs, to make it easier for your readers to read.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*




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33
33
Review of Iron Horse  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Sammy !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your "Invalid Item"  package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I really liked the opening paragraph. You did a good job introducing the scene to your readers, giving them a feel for where the story was taking place.


STYLE & POV: The POV was maintained very well throughout the story. Even where the POV's switched between Dan and Kara, they were easily followed and did not overlap unnecessarily.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was pretty strong and held together well throughout the story. I suggest that you differentiate between the scene changes, however, either by adding more space or perhaps a couple of stars to denote a change/shift.

Washing the sticky remnants of the cinnamon roll from her hands, Kara leaned over the sink to splash some cold water on her face. This sentence proved to be an inconsistency in the plot. Where did the sink come from? I thought Kara was sitting at a table next to the window?


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were pretty strong. Their personalities developed as the story progressed. The dialogue stayed true to the personalities, even strengthening it in some places.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were excellent. I could clearly picture the trucking station and the emotions flitting across Kara's face. You did an excellent job describing the events in the story.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I would eliminate the commas within two short, sporty, khaki skirts, or at least try to minimize them, as they can confuse readers, since all the other commas within the sentence are used to separate items within a list.

There seemed to be some unnecessary spacing between some paragraphs, especially after the third one. There should also be some more space separating the paragraph starting The manager held firmly and the paragraph following it, and after the paragraph starting Turning his head.

Make sure the paragraph starting Not caring for the manager’s tone is properly connected, especially where the dialogue is concerned.

Dan watched the slender blonde savor her frosty, her eyes drifting closed as she slowly drew the spoon between her lips. Since this is the start of a somewhat new scene, I suggest you separate it a bit more from the rest of the story. Perhaps adding a couple of stars (* * *) would help. (This is a personal preference of mine, but you don't need to follow this advice if you don't wish to.) The same goes for Dan studied the sleeping girl in the faint glow of the travel plaza lights.

“You finally ready to leave the loser?” Make sure this dialogue is connected to the paragraph it belongs to. The same goes for this as well: “They say the third time is the charm.”


MY FAVORITE PARTS: It wasn't a feeling she was familiar with these past couple of years, and not one she was sure she should trust. I absolutely loved this sentence. It spoke volumes, and really captured the essence of the entire story.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I truly enjoyed reading this story. I do wish you had written more at the end, however, telling the rest of their journey and its aftermath.

If you ever do decide to write more, don't hesitate to let me know! I'd love to come back and read it.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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34
34
Review of The Vacation.  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Joshua Rawls !
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The intent of this Royal Flush Review is to examine everything in a novel or short story. Grammar, format, plot, characters, imagery, dialogue, etc.
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


The Hook: Wow. What a great hook! The first sentence alone drew me into this piece. You did a wonderful job with the descriptions in the first paragraph to really bring your readers into the story, to hook them from the very start.

Grammar: Tunnel offered two very desired elements; already built, and easy to access. I suggest that you change the semi-colon to a simple colon, as the semi-colon is used to join two independent clauses and the colon is used to introduce a list. Since you are employing a list of sorts within this sentence, it would make sense to go with a colon rather than a semi-colon.

Proper punctuation is needed within "Mom, I'm hungry".

Only six years old, Laralyn never said mommy or mamma. She just said 'mom'. Since you put quotation marks around mom, I suggest you put them around mommy and mamma as well.

Lara liked Pony, he wasn't much for games, neither was she. I would change the first comma to a semi-colon, to properly separate the independent clauses.

Lara knew to ignore this impulse once now, the thought of that lesson made her shudder. I didn't really understand what you meant when you said once now. Is there a way you could reword this somehow?

Plot: This story contained an extremely strong plot. Every action was woven together, with not a stitch out of place. You did an excellent job telling the two characters' story. The emotions and simple actions you included really helped strengthen the story further.

Characters: The characters were extremely realistic. I could just picture Lara, such a small child with such a mature outlook on life. Julia was also easy to picture. I could just see every emotion flitting across her face.

Dialogue: You did an excellent job differentiating the dialogue between the different characters. I loved Fletcher's dialogue and accent. The way he spoke really summed up his character.

Ending: The ending was very touching. Everyone loves hope and optimism. I really do hope Julia and Lara were able to get away from all of the pain and suffering.

Overal Impression: This was a great story. With a little touch-up, it is definitely 5-star material.

Great job with the descriptions, as well as everything else. I would really love to read more about Lara and Julia. If you ever write anything else concerning them, please let me know! I'd love to come back and read/review them. *Smile*


This piece was reviewed on behalf of: "Invalid Item" 
35
35
Review of Writing (A story)  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Avantol13 !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning really puzzled me. At first I read about a man writing, and then I read philosophical ideas about what writing is. I suggest that you keep it all action or all philosophical, as they do not flow well together.


STYLE & POV: The POV was decently maintained throughout the piece. My only problem with it was distinguishing the actual story from the philosophical thoughts.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The pacing within this piece was rather slow, slower than it should have been. Try to liven it up a bit, whether through the action or through choosing different sentence structures or words.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: There wasn't any real personality to the main character. I didn't connect with him at all, other than through the fact that we both love to write. I suggest that you give him a personality, perhaps even a name or a face.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions, as usual, were great and provided wonderful pictures for me to browse through as I read.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): For the space in the paper was reserved for final sentence in his tale. I would add the before final sentence. Also, this sentence, it seems to me, had been repeated a lot within the preceding paragraph. Too much repetition could bog a story down.

The word into within his entire self seemed indulged into the unreality of the nest should instead be to.

He felt a new sense of joy; a sense that not only he was happy, but everyone it seemed, in the world was in high spirits. The semi-colon within this sentence should really be a comma. I would also rephrase the second part so that it reads something like but everyone in the world, it seemed, was in high spirits.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I liked the philosophical parts within this piece. I do recommend that you separate it more from the actual story, however.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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36
36
Review of Soul  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Avantol13 !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was a great way to pull in the readers. There was an aura of mystery to it that was very enticing. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The first person POV was maintained very well throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was very interesting. I thought there was a great basis for a story here. But what you have left me wanting more. I wanted to know more background information, and I wanted to know in exact detail what happened at the end. I felt that this story left me wanting much more than I should have.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The main character was rather one-dimensional. I didn't see clear shots of his personality, nor were there any descriptions of him. I felt that more was needed for readers to be able to connect with him.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were excellent! I can tell, by only reading three of your pieces, that you are a very descriptive writer.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Every morning (and night), a wonderful view of the sunset and sunrise painted itself into the vast canvas of the sky. I would advise against using parentheses within your writing.

I would change the comma within The windows were abundant, every turn revealed a new picture of the beautiful landscape. to a semi-colon. (I've also never heard of windows being abundant... Is there another way you can say this?)

When I was there, I passed my days either reading or examining the vast trinket collection. Every day was something new in that house. The second sentence contradicts the first. If there was something new in the house every day, why did the main character spend all his time reading and examining things? You'd think, since there was something new in the house every day, that the main character would be doing something new every day.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the serene feeling the house let off. *Smile*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Hmm. I have to agree with whoever asked the question in your FAQ disclaimer. The ending is very confusing. I suggest that you make it clearer to readers exactly what was going on. Without a clear ending, readers are left puzzled and don't get to enjoy the full aspect of the story.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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37
37
Review of Sunset  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Avantol13 !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I didn't really know what to expect in the beginning. I certainly didn't expect to read about personified trees!


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the piece. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was simple yet filled with great thought and action. I liked the conflict some of the trees faced - whether to chance losing their lives to see the sun, or whether to ensure that they would survive and shed their leaves early. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: You did a great job personifying the trees within this story. I liked how you gave them minds and feelings. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The setting was beautiful. The descriptions you used really helped me to envision the scene. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The trees were thankful, they had not been allowed the privilege of a sunset, for the fields hadn’t been harvested. I would change the first comma to a semi-colon, to properly separate the different ideas.

The verb kill within They were determined to see the sunset whether it kill them or not. should be in the past tense.

To some extreme, some might say, but these trees would disagree. I don't really understand the first part of this sentence. What exactly did you mean by To some extreme?


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the pure simplicity of this piece.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I loved how you went inside the minds of the trees. You provided a great insight.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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38
38
Review of The Field  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Avantol13 !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Descriptions, descriptions, description! I loved it. *Heart*


STYLE & POV: The POV was maintained very well throughout this piece. *Thumbsup*

The only hiccough was in the very last sentence, where you used the words believe me. I got the impression that this was told by a narrator, someone who wasn't present or a part of the story, and then you used the first person.


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: I liked the underlying plot within this piece. It was simple yet elegant. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: There wasn't much to the character within this piece, other than that he really enjoyed nature. I'm not saying this is a bad thing - it holds really well within this piece - but you might want to expand upon the man a bit more, especially if you want your readers to connect with him.

The presence of others had all but left and the company of nature caressed the man in a warm hold. What man? To me, the man seemed to appear out of nowhere.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: Excellent descriptions! I could clearly picture everything, from the dew on the grass to the man writing in his notepad. You really did a great job with this. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The fog lifted gently off the soft earth creating a blanket for the morning bugs that twittered softly in the undergrowth. I would add a comma after the soft earth to separate the sentence some more.

The man was young and despite all the tasks at hand, he’d managed a calming walk through the fields. He now sits upon an old tree stump with his notepad, jotting down tales of a long-forgotten beauty. I felt that the shift of verb tense between these two sentences was very confusing. I didn't see a need for it at all. In fact, I think the story would flow much more smoothly if it was all kept in one tense - preferably the past tense.

A yawn. I thought this was a rather awkward sentence to include within this piece. Every other sentence is long and flowing with description. These two words simply sit there and stare up at the reader. Perhaps you can combine this with the sentence that follows it?


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the descriptions you used within this piece. They were very strong and really helped me to picture the man's field.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I suggest that you only state the title of this piece once within your work. (This was probably overlooked, but I think you should change it.) What I like to do, if I use the titles within the piece itself, is make it different from the story itself. For example, I might bold it, underline it, make the font bigger, add some color... You get the idea. Whatever you do to distinguish the title from the story itself can help. (This is my personal preference, however, and you do not need to follow it. I just think it makes for a neater piece.)


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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39
39
Review of Last Moments  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Sarah~goodbye writing.com !
Thank you for entering your piece in "Invalid Item" . I am here to judge and review your piece. Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!

Please remember to refrain from editing your piece again until the winners have been announced. Thank you!



FIRST IMPRESSIONS: What a great hook in the beginning! I'm sorry for Haven's death, but that statement made a great first sentence. You successfully dragged me into the story and kept me reading.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


STYLE & POV: Great job maintaining the POV throughout the story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was very interesting. It was interlaced with a strong and believable conflict that almost anyone could relate to. I know I've always wished I could see my godfather and grandfather just one more time. This piece is very powerful, and shows the closure that some people need - and can get from stories such as these.

The pacing was perfect for this story. You showed readers when time stood still and when it sped back up again. Excellent job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I loved the characters within this piece. Each had their own distinct personality and way of talking. I could connect to either one, even though I'm not dead like Haven. Great job making your characters come to life!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The setting was great, as were the descriptions. I could clearly see the scene as it unfolded, from the restless night to the swirling colors.

Everywhere was blossoming like summer; Haven and I had never seen summer because we lived in a one-season country of gloom. I was a bit confused with this description. If the characters hadn't seen summer, how could they know that everything was blooming like summer?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): As I drifted off to sleep, I remembered all the good times we ever had. To me, the word that I crossed out didn't really sit well with the flow of the sentence. The same goes for the following: The night of my first break-up, and she was there to comfort me.

When I awoke, I was in... a dream? This sentence read awkwardly. In a piece like this, I suggest that you not use the ellipses or the question mark in this sentence.

I would change the first word within Everywhere was blossoming like summer to Everything.

Colours -- like a rainbow -- merged together, producing an exciting whirl of paints, before the process was done, and the creature stepped forward. I don't really understand the underlined portion of this sentence.

She looked the same, except for that weird glowy thing around her. I don't think glowy is an actual word. Maybe you can use glowing instead.

I felt that the comma at the end of She just hugged me and repeated silly but soothing nonsense, should instead have been a period.

The second word within Oh Gawd, Julia, you haven't changed one bit! shouldn't really be capitalized.

"Haven, I've really got to go know," she told me. I thought Haven was talking here? If so, why would she state her own name, as if she was addressing herself? I believe it should be Julia instead.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: Haven endured the last few months as courageously as she could. The day she died, I felt like I had died as well. These are two very powerful sentences!


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I took out the mechanical suggestions that didn't pertain anymore, since we already discussed the issue pertaining to this piece. I'm glad the story was featured in the newsletter!

I am still basing the story on notes I had made on the previous version, in order to see if it gets a prize in the contest.

I suggest that you separate the word count at the end some more from the actual story.


OVERALL RATING: 4.6, rounded to *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Good Luck in the Contest!




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40
40
Review of Inside  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Nayen !
Thank you for entering your piece in "Invalid Item" . I am here to judge and review your piece. Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!

Please remember to refrain from editing your piece again until the winners have been announced. Thank you!



FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I liked the first sentence. It really brought me into the story.

The following paragraph, however, lost what strength the that first sentence had gained. It was bland and unappealing. Try to liven it up to keep readers reading.
*Star**Star**Star*


STYLE & POV: The POV was pretty well maintained in the story. In the first part, it shifted a bit between the omniscient POV and the third person POV. The second part stayed the same throughout.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: I think that the plot has a lot of potential to develop into something exciting for readers to experience. As it is right now, there was nothing that really jumped out at me; it isn't something that really stands out. I think you need to add some more realism to the story to make it more enjoyable for readers. Even though this isn;t exactly something that would happen in real life, making the story more real would make it easier for readers to connect with it.

The pace of the story was a bit off as well. I felt that you dived into the conflict too early in this piece.
*Star**Star**Star*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters had no distinct personalities; they all blended together and fused into one giant, gray character. I suggest that you 'fatten up' your characters. Give them their own speech patterns, their own habits, their own thoughts, their own descriptions. Making your characters three-dimensional gives readers the ability to delve further into their minds.
*Star**Star**Star*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I felt that the descriptions were very weak within this story. You told readers a lot of things about the setting, but you didn't tell them.

They were in a hospital yard around noontime. I would try to incorporate this setting somehow into the story by showing your readers, not telling them.

She poured her cereal into a bowl and got ready for a day that would become more jumbled than a box of cherios in a cement mixer. I thought that this was a rather strange analogy to use. I've never seen Cheerios within cement before. *Smile*
*Star**Star**Star*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): "Okay Demlings," called a older spirit demon to the younger ones. The article a should instead be an.

The following sentence contains a subject-verb disagreement: In this building is a bunch of newborn humans. The verb is should be are, to match the plural subject bunch.

"Can we posses animals?" asked a demling in the mix of demlings. In the beginning, you capitalized 'Demlings.' I would either capitalize it throughout the story, or leave it all in lowercase letters. Consistency is key in this case.

Proper punctuation is needed within the following sentences: "For the last time Grex!" the spirit demon sighed // "Alright, first off, Oliro".

"What? The time for questions is over!" - create a new paragraph here- "But- What if the humans see us?" the demling called nervously.

Helas, your turn" Iymia called. A comma is needed at the end of the dialogue.

"Yeah,if I can." said the other. The period within the dialogue should instead be a comma, in order to connect the dialogue with its dialogue tag.

"I'll wait for you if I can!" and melted through the wall. There is no dialogue tag for this dialogue. Therefore, what follows after the dialogue should be a separate sentence.

The second comma within It didn't matter though, they couldn't feel her, they kept on walking. should instead be a semi-colon.

She'd never seen a human before, let alone touch one! The verb touch should be in the past tense.

I don't remember what to do! she thought panic washing over her. I would place a comma after the dialogue tag, to separate the phrase properly.

Where's Haryo! Isn't this a question? I would switch the exclamation point with a question mark.

There was a lot of people everywhere. There is subject-verb disagreement within this sentence. The verb was is not consistent with the plural subject, a lot. I would change the verb to the past tense were.

I felt that the exclamation point within Jerya flew all around, flying through solid walls, through windows, through people sometimes! should instead be a simple period. Also, I would add the word even before the last three words.

The period within the dialogue of "By the darkest soul there ever is." exclaimed Jerya. should instead be a comma.

"By golly, what is down there?" Jerya sad to herself eyeing a little building down the hill where she stood. I would add a comma before the phrase starting eyeing...

The first period within "Why I belive I'll go check it out, since there's no use going in there." she said looking darkly at the hospital. should instead be a comma; another comma is needed directly after the dialogue tag. Also, the word belive's correct spelling is believe.

If she didn'tgetit soon, her parents would wake up. Make sure that all words are separated correctly.

"Grr." she mumbled and jumped off her top bunk onto the floor, landing with no sound. The period within the dialogue should instead be a comma, to connect the dialogue and its dialogue tag. (And does someone really mumble Grr? I found that a bit hard to believe.)

"Might as well get up and used to the day." Seria mumbled pulling some clothes out of her wardrobe. Add a comma after the dialogue tag, and switch the first period with a coma.

She turned the corner and walked up the rickity stairs up to the landing, remembering to skip step number five, that was the most rickity one. The word rickity is spelled incorrectly; the correct spelling is rickety. I suggest that you change the last comma to a semi-coon, to separate the different ideas.

She poured her cereal into a bowl and got ready for a day that would become more jumbled than a box of cherios in a cement mixer. The word cherios is spelled incorrectly; the correct spelling is Cheerios. I also suggest that you capitalize it, as it is a famous brand of cereal.
*Star**Star*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: With some work, I believe that this piece has a lot of potential to turn into something really interesting. Good luck with this work in progress.


OVERALL RATING: *Star**Star**Star*


Good Luck in the Contest!




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41
41
Review of Grim Tidings  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Poplar !
Thank you for entering your piece in "Invalid Item" . I am here to judge and review your piece. Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!

Please remember to refrain from editing your piece again until the winners have been announced. Thank you!



FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was rather weak. There was no hook, no strong pull, to bring me into the story and want to keep reading more. It was all a bit rushed, to tell the truth.
*Star**Star**Star*


STYLE & POV: The POV was maintained well throughout the story. I found no instances in which it deviated.

I suggest that you add more of a separation between the different scenes, to denote the change in time and setting. Either more spacing or a divider of some sort (an image or some stars **) could work here.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot itself was intriguing. The conflict - the chase and the fear - was engaging and well thought out.

I felt that the pacing of the entire story was off somewhat. The beginning started very fast, the middle slowed down and sped up, and then the ending came abruptly. I would try to work this out. Pacing can be very important in a story, especially one with this conflict.

There was one part of the plot that I didn't really understand: ‘It’s important, understand? My… my son is dead. The Prince!’ Why would the King tell Alec this? If he didn't want anyone but his brother to know, wouldn't he keep the news of his son's death secret and be more discreet himself? For all he knows, Alec could have been tortured for the information. I understand that the King might have wanted to press upon Alec the severity of the situation, but it still seemed rather unbelievable.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters all blended together; none of them stuck out as individuals. I suggest that you make Alec a more three-dimensional character. Don't forget about the minor characters, either! The King, the Duke, and even the assailants are all important within this story.

You can strengthen characters by adding a little background information about them, by describing their appearance, or by showing readers any idiosyncrasies or habits they may have. Dialogue is also important for distinguishing characters from one another; speech patterns and the like differentiate characters from each other greatly.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were very good. I could clearly picture most of the scenes, including the barracks and the Duke's stronghold. The middle, however, didn't paint as clear a picture as the rest. In some instances, I couldn't tell if Alec was on a dirt road, traveling through a forest, riding through the streets of a city,etc. Be more clear about this; help your readers see what you want them to see.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): What the king had hinted at, was of the fact people would already know about the Prince’s demise - there were spies everywhere.

I felt that the last verb within Alec hooked his blade in the other’s hilt and sent it flying into a bush, then coolly decapitating him should have been in the past tense instead. (I suggest that you change decapitating to decapitated.)

The comma within but Alec knew, something wasn’t quite right isn't necessary; it only hinders the flow of the sentence.

As he shoved the body off his blade, Alec felt his horse's weight shift and spun in his saddle, just in time to catch the axe aimed for his head, swung by a man sitting behind him! I felt that the exclamation point here was very unnecessary. I assume, by using it, that you were trying to inspire some shock or a similar feeling in your readers. There's no need to do that. A simple period would work better; readers would still be shocked at this.

The last man turned and ran out over the field, crying for mercy. Alec had a mission, and besides which, he didn’t like to kill, so he didn’t pursue the last man, instead turning his horse and galloping further down the road. I felt that the phrase besides which within this sentence detracted from the flow of the action. I would delete the phrase, as it isn't wholly necessary.

The word horses within Alec leaned closer to his horses neck should be in the possessive form.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I liked the descriptions that you used within this piece.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I would have loved to know more about what happened when the Duke read the message informing him that his nephew died.


OVERALL RATINGS: *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Good Luck in the Contest!




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42
42
Review of Cold Torture  
In affiliation with PSYW  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Noelle ~ TY Anon! !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of Packages Soaring Your Way.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I really like the opening paragraph. Describing her character was a strong hook that dragged me in. *Thumbsup* However, the following paragraph dimmed that great beginning. It was rather dull, unlike the first.


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout this piece. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The story followed the prompt well. It was interesting and easy to connect with; everyone knows that feeling of betrayal. *Thumbsup*

I felt that something was missing from this, however. Francine didn't even bother to check the story and just murdered him? That just didn't sit well with me.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Francine was easy to connect with, as was her situation. Her personality didn't really shine through the story, however. There was nothing that really distinguished her from any other person in the world.

The dialogue sounded a bit forced, espeically the following: “I just thought you should know, your husband is sleeping with your best friend,” a low voice declared on the other end of the line. I just couldn't picture anyone realistically talking like that.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I would have loved some more descriptions! (I'm a picture maniac; I love picturing things as I read.) I got a few images, but nothing really stuck with me.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): She proved it to herself ... to everyone, the day she prepared a dish for the bowling league banquet. I felt that the ellipses was not necessary here. A simple comma or a pair of dashes would suffice.

The comma is not necessary within She began to slowly peel bits of skin from the fruit, as she thought about the caller's message.

The late nights, their glances she caught from across the room… there were so many. This isn't really a thought. Therefore, I don't think it should be italicized.

I think the semi-colons within realizing Kelly would just fall asleep peacefully; again without suffering as she so deserved and letting the juice squirt and run all over her gripping hand; until her final, most violent stab pierced her hand would better suffice as commas.

I would distinguish Six months later… somehow from the rest of the story. I read it thinking the plot was continuing.

I would differentiate the paragraph starting In other news from the rest of the story. Since it is the news, and someone is talking, there really should be quotation marks - or italics, if you wish.

The weapons, a paring knife and several compressed Florida-grown oranges were found at the scene.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Some of your paragraphs are indented, while others are not. I suggest that you keep them all the same.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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43
43
In affiliation with PSYW  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Dr Taher writes again! !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of Packages Soaring Your Way.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: This was a pretty good beginning. I was drawn in almost immediately. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was consistent within this piece. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was interesting and engaging. The pace was pretty good as well, with no bumps to deter it. *Thumbsup* All of the dialogue doesn't necessarily strengthen the piece, however. It rather made the piece seem dead, not lively, as I believe it could.


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were amusing to read about. I loved their distinct voices within the dialogue. *Thumbsup* I felt you could have added a touch more to their personalities, though.


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: There really were no descriptions other than what color Columbus's cloak was. I feel that you could have added a lot more, even with the word constraint.


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Thus spake Christopher Columbus. I am not familiar with the word spake. Is it another way to say spoke?


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved that you added Columbus snorting. *Smile*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Congratulations on winning Honorable Mention!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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44
44
In affiliation with PSYW  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Dr Taher writes again! !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of Packages Soaring Your Way.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was pretty good for this very short story. I felt that it would be more effective if the word When was taken out and the parts about her right and left leg were separated into two distinct sentences. (Since this must be 99 words, I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult to replace When with another word.)


STYLE & POV: Good job with the POV! I got a feel for everyone within the story. *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: Great plot! You had an interesting story with an excellent pace and amusing conflict, all packed well within such a short piece. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Within such a short piece, it must be difficult to give readers a feel for the characters. However, I think you did a wonderful job here. I got a feel for Alice's personality and her clumsiness right away. *Smile* Even the audience and other dancers had their own personalities. Great job! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: There isn't much room for descriptions within 99 words, but you painted a great picture for readers to browse through as they read. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The audience gasped collectively, as the girls fell, some getting crushed by the others falling on top of them.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the first line. It's something I would do, as well. *Laugh*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: You did a wonderful job with this piece. I don't know what the prompt was, but you must have followed it if you won third place. *Smile* I don't suppose the contest is still running?


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



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45
45
Review of skin deep  
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Kay !
Thank you for entering your piece in "Invalid Item" . I am here to judge and review your piece. Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!

Please remember to refrain from editing your piece again until the winners have been announced. Thank you!



FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The item description for this piece really intrigued me. Great job creating a hook before the story itself! *Thumbsup*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


STYLE, RHYTHM, ETC.: There was no set form of poetry that I could think of that you followed for this piece. (If I am wrong in this assumption, please let me know. I'll come back and review it based on the style.)

The poem flowed relatively smoothly. I feel that the flow and rhythm could be much improved were there some punctuation or capitalization within the piece. Again, this is only my personal opinion.

The repeating line worked well within this piece. It reinforced the idea that you were trying to portray, while establishing a rhythm for readers.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


DESCRIPTIONS - IMAGERY: To me, the imagery you used repeated itself. In this instance, I don't think the repetition works well. All I see is the basics of a face and body - I expected to see a lot more from what the title and description said. If you work on this some more, it can prove to be very powerful.
*Star**Star**Star*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): There were no errors that I could find. Good job!

I do think that you should change bod to body, however.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I really liked the repeating line. It would have been cool if you could distinguish it some more from the rest of the poem somehow.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I think this poem has a lot of potential to become something really powerful that reaches out to readers through its words.


OVERALL RATING: 4.125, rounded out to *Star**Star**Star**Star*


Good Luck in the Contest!




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"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor


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46
46
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was pretty good. Nothing really hooked me, however. Search for something that will really draw readers into the story.


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the piece. Great job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and hilarious. Great job pacing it well. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: Once again,very good narrating. You told the story well while offering readers glimpses at the other characters' personalities as well. Good job! *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I could just picture your mother chasing after you, mad for her nickels, and the rest of the casino patrons shaking their fists at you as you ran by. Your vivid imagery really made the story come to life. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): This granny from hell started chasing me and yelling, “my bucket, my bucket, give it back!” Make sure you capitalize the dialogue.

I suggest that you replace the semi-colon within She laughed about the recent eccentricities she displayed; concurrently clinging to that bucket of clinking coins all the way home. with a comma.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: Another funny ending!


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I really enjoyed reading this piece. Thanks for sharing it! *Laugh*


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*



I'M HEATIN' THINGS UP BY REVIEWING FOR THE TALENT POND!
Click the item below to find out how you can too. *Smile*
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor



Please drop by "Invalid Item"  and sign my guestbook!
47
47
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great beginning! I was instantly drawn into the story, and wanted to read more. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original, interesting, and highly engaging. It was paced very well. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: I love your narrative voice. I could tell that you had a lot of fun writing this - and I sure had a lot of fun reading it!


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I loved that you used every sense you could in describing these events. I could just smell the wings and taste them on the tip of my tongue. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): Now, real Texas men may not eat quiche, ; however, patrol a platter filled with perfectly placed mouthwatering poultry portions, hot as hell, then envision how fast they stop in their tracks and brazenly scoop up a plate full. I changed the comma to a semi-colon in order to separate the different ideas.

I would replace the semi-colon within The event was so successful; I vowed to try this experiment when I relocated to Wyoming. with a comma.

Ultimately, as the weeks flashed by at a blink of an eye, I noticed additional children stopping by for a quick snack of the renowned hot wings.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: My mouth was watering throughout the story! Thank God I'm going out to eat tonight with friends; I'm definitely ordering some wings! *Smile*


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I loved the ending. It was a sweet reminiscence that many readers are sure to share.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

I'M HEATIN' THINGS UP BY REVIEWING FOR THE TALENT POND!
Click the item below to find out how you can too. *Smile*
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor



Please drop by "Invalid Item"  and sign my guestbook!
48
48
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!
This review is on behalf of your Showering Acts of Joy package.


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The beginning was excellent. The first two sentences really drew me in. *Thumbsup*


STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Well done! *Thumbsup*


PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was highly original and attention-grabbing. You paced it very well. The conflict had me riveted to my seat, my eyes eagerly scanning each line. *Thumbsup*


CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The main character was excellently portrayed. I understood her thoughts and emotions; you made her very easy to connect with. Her personality shone through her thoughts. *Thumbsup*


SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: As this was a narrative, not many descriptions were needed. You did an excellent job describing the settings, however. *Thumbsup*


MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The comma at the end of Today is a new day, should instead be a period.

Make sure that all of your sentences are properly separated: Nonetheless, I still have no memory of what happened to me.I sit here at the edge of my bed, and I can feel little pins and needles moving through my feet. // The only solace I have is the humble cross which hangs on the wall, awaiting my prayers each day.I can only hope that I regain my memory so I will be able to sort out my life.

He told reporters, police, and any other interested party who asked him, that I was trespassing, and somehow was injured by the tree branch.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: The ending!


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Wow. What a powerful ending! The last sentence was very strong. Great job!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

I'M HEATIN' THINGS UP BY REVIEWING FOR THE TALENT POND!
Click the item below to find out how you can too. *Smile*
"Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor



Please drop by "Invalid Item"  and sign my guestbook!
49
49
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lauren Nichole Jordan !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


This was a great take on something that, unfortunately, many people suffer from in our world today. I know a good handful of vain people that stare at themselves in the mirror and tell others of their supposed great accomplishments in life. You're right; that is very boring to listen to.

I loved the following line: you talk about yourself until your face is blue. *Laugh*

I don't really understand what you were trying to say within your egomaniac head in the cloud haze. It didn't really make sense to me - it was a forced rhyme - and caused me to pause in the course of reading the poem. (And you don't really want your readers to pause in confusion.)




MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I would delete the comma within that arrogance of yours, kind of makes you an eyesore. It only serves to hinder the flow of the line. (And since this is in the last stanza, you really don't want any unnecessary pauses.)


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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50
50
Review of Ode to my phone  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lauren Nichole Jordan !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


I loved the item description for this! *Bigsmile* It really intrigued me. (And no, I do not love my phone... *Smile*)

I loved what you said within this poem. It was simple and easy enough for almost everyone to connect with. I know I sure did!



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): With you, I can just text all the time, / your other features are just simply sublime. You used the word just twice within this stanza. I recommend that you don't do this.

I suggest that you put a semi-colon at the end of the first line of each stanza, instead of the commas already there.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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