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101
101
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Grace !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The first paragraph made me laugh. I could feel Crystal's unease and uncomfortableness as all of the people around her took such excitement in her upcoming wedding. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The POV was, as always, excellently maintained throughout this chapter. *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot continues to be interesting. *Thumbsup*

The pace was even and was not broken up by any unnecessary words, phrases, sentences, or paragraphs. It flowed smoothly and made for a greater read. *Thumbsup*

The conflict in and of itself was engaging. I was glued to my seat as I read Crystal's internal conflicts. *Thumbsup*



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters and their development are coming along nicely. I hope to see some more change as the story goes on, however. *Thumbsup*

The dialogue is, still, well-written. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I love the scene when Crystal and her sisters wander through the streets. The descriptions are vivid and bring an image of everything to my mind, from the shady people and the church to the stalls and the voodoo items. *Thumbsup*



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): (See attachment).



MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved the little side trip onto the streets. The old 'voodoo' woman handing Crystal the vial was a great touch to the story. I really hope that Crystal doesn't die, however, since I've grown so attached to her!



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Whew. A lot of stuff has happened already. I hope that Joseph will soon make another appearance *Smile*!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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102
102
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Grace !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I loved the brief description of this chapter underneath the title. It really made me want to read this and find out what Crystal does! It was a really good hook to catch your readers with. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The POV was, once again, excellently maintained throughout the story, even when it changed to Charles' POV. *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was very interesting, especially when readers are able to see inside of Charles' mind. *Thumbsup*

The pace was even and was not broken up by any unnecessary words, phrases, sentences, or paragraphs. It flowed smoothly and made for a greater read. *Thumbsup*

The conflict in and of itself was engaging. I was glued to my seat as I read Crystal's internal conflicts. *Thumbsup*



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters are staying true to their personalities, and are still as believable and connectable as before. *Thumbsup*

We are beginning to see a little development going on in this chapter within Crystal. Yay! *Thumbsup*

The dialogue is, still, well-written. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I loved the ballroom setting. I could just imagine all of the flowing ball gowns and the dancing and the wonderful decorations that were described. *Thumbsup*



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): (See attachment that will be sent).

I noticed in this chapter that you have a lot of mistakes concerning commas and semi-colons. I hope that this following link will be of use to you: http://www.libraryonline.com/default.asp?pID=49



MY FAVORITE PARTS: Charles' section of this chapter was definitely my favorite part. Everyone loves a villain now and then!



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I can't wait for Chapter Four!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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103
103
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Grace !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The dream was a very interesting way to open this chapter. Great job hooking in your readers! *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout this chapter. I love hearing Crystal's thoughts on things. *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot and conflict were once again very engaging. *Thumbsup*

The pace seems to be a bit off. I was confused as I read parts of this chapter. In the beginning of one of the scenes you had written that it had been three weeks since Crystal had dreamt about the man, while in another part you stated that the dreams began a week ago. Watch carefully what you write, because these are conflicting ideas and can be very confusing to a reader, as they were to me.



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters are still as entertaining as before. Crystal's sisters are a delight to read about, although I'm glad I don't have sisters like them! *Thumbsup*

There hasn't been any character development yet, although I admit it isn't necessary yet.

The dialogue continues to be realistic. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The settings and descriptions were very good. I especially liked the description of Crystal's view outside of her bedroom window, and the little story that accompanied it. *Thumbsup*



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): (See the attachment I will be sending.)



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was when Crystal, Elizabeth, Rose, and Christy were all helping Dawn choose a dress. That scene is very realistic, and reminds me of a dear friend...



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Chapter Three, here I come!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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104
104
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Grace !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Great opening paragraph! I love the descriptions; they are very realistic and immediately bring an image of Oak Alley to readers’ minds. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: I liked the style of writing present in this story. The writing has its own unique voice that portrays the story well.

The POV was well-maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was very interesting and original, and was paced extremely well. The conflict was also well-written and engaging for readers. *Thumbsup*



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters are very realistic. I love Crystal's demureness and June's vivacity. You've done a good job portraying the characters' personalities through their thoughts and actions. *Thumbsup*

Since this is only the first chapter, there is no real need for development here. However, as the story goes on, I hope to see some, if not all, of the characters developing.

The dialogue was realistic and suited the characters well. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The setting for the Place de Negres was perfect. I could just imagine everything in my mind. *Thumbsup*

The descriptions were also excellent. However, when new characters are introduced, I suggest that you don't just rattle off their descriptions. Try showing and not telling.



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): (I am sending you an attachment to the whole manuscript, with notes that I've made as I read. Hopefully they will help!)

I noticed in this chapter that you tend to leave some sentences incomplete, or some sentences that run on and on and should really be broken up. I've noted that in the notes.



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was when Crystal kneed her protector in the groin. It was a fairly amusing part, although it's probably not amusing for any male to read *Bigsmile*.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: On to the next chapter!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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105
105
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The first sentence dragged me in and made me want to read more. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: I loved the flow of this story. It worked well. *Thumbsup*
The only thing I have to suggest is that you separate the first paragraph, or ease the transition better. The first two sentences fit well together, but then the style changes in the rest of the paragraph. That is the only spot where the story does not flow smoothly.

The POV was excellently maintained. Good job! *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and engaging, and the pace smoothed out the story well. The conflict was heart-rendering and really speaks out to readers. Excellent! *Thumbsup*



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The main character is someone that everyone can relate to, male or female, old or young, happy or sad, destroyed or whole. You did a great job invoking feelings in readers through the character. *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The descriptions were absolutely amazing, especially those while the main character was inside the church. *Thumbsup*



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): There were absolutely no errors that I could find. Awesome job! *Thumbsup*



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was when the main character was speaking about the priest who was giving the eulogy, and how he could have no idea what his love was really like. My favorite line in that part was He does not know you and he never will. That whole paragraph was very powerful.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Wow. This was a very emotional piece. It touched a chord deep within me, reminding me of the day my godfather passed away. We were very close and it's still devastating to think about him, and losing someone you love so young. Great job pulling on the emotions from your readers. I don't know if this is based on personal experience or not, but you did a wonderful job. Thank you for sharing this with WDC and good luck in the contest!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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106
106
Review of Kidnapped  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ken Fairchild !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Wow. The first paragraph was very powerful, and proved to suck me into the story. Great job! *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The POV was excellently maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and well-written. However, I thought the pace was entirely too fast for this topic. Since it is a touchy subject, I felt that it could have been expanded upon more. It seemed like everything was happening in the span of only a couple of minutes.

The conflict suited the story well. Once again, however, I felt that it could have been expanded upon.



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were very realistic, especially the naivety of the young child when he agrees to go 'swimming' with the stranger. The father's emotions were very real too. Good job! *Thumbsup*

There wasn't much development here, but since it's such a short piece that can slide *Smile*. If you ever expand this though, focus on the characters and their struggles, and how they get through everything and how they change as a result of it.

The only dialogue in the story was spoken by the father. I thought that this was very powerful. It caused the reader to focus on the father throughout the story, and to really be brought into everything. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The settings were used advantageously, especially the one in the corn field. Great job! *Thumbsup*

The following paragraph of description could have, in my opinion, been put somewhere else in the story to greater effect. I felt that, where it was, the paragraph took away from the action. It was the summer of 1962. The newspapers had story after story about a rash of missing kids. Why hadn’t I kept a better eye on him? I pleaded with God to spare him and take my life instead. And I drove…on and on. No sign of that damn Ford.



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The following sentences need commas after the dialogue tags and before the quotation marks: A male voice bellowed “Hey little boy, wanna go swimming?” /// My heart almost stopped when I heard my son say “Yes.”



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was, obviously, in the end when the father found his child. It's always nice to hear that there's a happy ending to something so tragic.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Unfortunately, these kinds of things happen daily. Children are constantly disappearing, and many sick adults are living among us. This was a great piece that opens our eyes to the cruelty out there.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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107
107
Review of Mischief  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Starting this short story with a groaning No was an excellent idea. The only problem I had with the beginning was that the title of the story was too close to the story itself, and could not be distinguished. Maybe you could make it in bigger letters, or perhaps change its color? Anything to distinguish it from the story, really.



STYLE & POV: The style was original, and the POV was well-maintained. Make sure that all of Orla's thoughts are italicized though. (I think there was one incident in which her thoughts weren't italicized, but I might be wrong...)



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original, and the pace was smooth and even. *Thumbsup*

I felt that the fight scene went by too fast, however. I think you could have greatly expanded on it.



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were realistic, especially when the villagers kept on blaming each other for all of their misfortunes. Great job! *Thumbsup*

There wasn't much room for character development here. Zeke developed a little in that he helped Orla... If you ever decided to expand this, focus on character development. I'd love to see how/if Orla or Zeke changes. *Thumbsup*

The dialogue was very realistic! *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: All of the different settings were very advantageous to the story. They were used very effectively, especially the scene in Sister Jacob's hut. *Thumbsup*

The descriptions were excellent. You really brought the different scenes in the short story alive in my mind. *Thumbsup*



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): “It was Father Jones. That thieving toe rag. I’ll get him back. Don’t doubt my words.” Farmer Giles stated. Change the period at the end of the quote to a comma, to make proper use of the dialogue tag.

Chaos had broken out in village. Insert ‘the’ before village.

Sister Jacobs shouted, “Hear hear” Proper punctuation is needed.

“And I didn’t go near his animals.” Farmer Giles retorted. Change the first period to a comma.

Matt, the youngest of the volunteers lead a heavily laden mule after the group. Close off the description with a comma.

“We will settle here for the night.” Zeke commanded. Change the period to a comma to make proper use of the dialogue tag.

“Um … Zeke. My leg is hurting and I don’t want to hinder your progress. I will make my way back home.” Orla said. Change the period to a comma to make proper use of the dialogue tag.

They lay dominant, waiting for another opportunity to cause chaos. Did you mean to say that they lay dormant?

They feed of anger. Did you mean to say that they feed off of anger?

Zeke stood firm by Oral’s side. I think you meant to say ‘Orla’ here.

It hit enormous beast that stood just metres from them. I suggest that you change a part to ‘an enormous beast,’ simply because it sounds better that way.

At that very Wearily Orla opened her eyes and saw the creature looming above Zeke ready for the kill. Make sure that no unnecessary words are capitalized.



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was the ending, when Orla and Zeke walked away hand in hand. *Smile*



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: If you ever decided to expand upon this, try dragging out the 'fight' scene a bit more.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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108
108
Review of The End  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Ken Fairchild !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I was intrigued from the beginning, wanting to know what exactly had happened to make the relationship end. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The style was original, and the POV was excellently kept. *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original, and worked well with the story. *Thumbsup*

The pace was smooth and even, with no bumps to deter it along the way. You did a great job distinguishing the past from the present. *Thumbsup*

The conflict worked well, especially when the narrator was forced to choose between sleeping with the woman or seeing her all the time without being able to touch her. *Thumbsup*



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were very believable. Who doesn't love a little office romance? *Thumbsup*

The development in this piece was very well-laid out. As I read, I felt as if I could see the narrator developing, and finally succumbing to the temptation. *Thumbsup*

The dialogue was very realistic. The only concern I had was in the paragraph that starts off She was early.... I would recommend that you separate the different dialogues. Having a character speak in the middle of a paragraph is fine, but having two characters speak, side by side, in the same line and in the same paragraph can greatly confuse readers.



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The office setting was great, and really worked to a great advantage in the story. *Thumbsup*

I would have liked to see more descriptions. Details about the restaurant, the home life, anything really, would have, in my opinion, added another level to this story.



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): In The morning sunlight, filtered through the blinds, illuminating her face., the first comma is not necessary.

“She’s a breath of fresh air”, I thought. Place the comma inside the quotation marks.

Lunch… instead of dinner, was her idea. The ellipsis isn't really necessary here, and only create a pause that would be better taken out. The comma is also not needed here.

I wanted to say “Hell yeah!” but I cooly said “Sure.” The proper spelling has two Ls instead of just one, and a comma is need to separate the dialogue tag from the actual dialogue.

Then she said “Stop. I love what we have. If we do this, things will be too complicated. We’d have to end our relationship... I’ll leave it up to you.” A comma is needed after the dialogue tag.

“Let’s skip dinner and go to my room,” I said… almost pleading. I think that the sentence would work better if the ellipsis was changed to a comma.



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was the end, when they both just lay on the bed, thinking about what they had done.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: I thought this was a very entertaining read. If you ever feel like it, and expansion of this could have a lot of potential...!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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109
109
Review of The Souvenir  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Ken Fairchild !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I pretty much knew that some infidelity was going to occur...



STYLE & POV: The POV was well-maintained. *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot wasn't really original, but it worked well.

The pace was nice and even, without any unnecessary words/phrases/etc. to deter it. *Thumbsup*

I felt that the conflict (the whole sex scene) could have been expanded upon. Though I'm not a huge fan of erotica, I know that the sex scenes are always dragged out with minute details and such. This didn't really seem like erotica to me, since everything seemed to happen so fast and was done in an instant.



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were realistic (although I wouldn't be too happy if my husband ever told me it was alright to cheat!). *Thumbsup*

There wasn't any character development in this story. I felt that you could have expanded more on the characters.

The dialogue was realistic, and sounded just like what any person would say. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I liked the office setting feel I got out of this story. *Thumbsup*

I felt that there could have been a lot more descriptions in this short story. Descriptions about the dinner (what they were eating, what the room looked like, etc.) or the sex would have really made this story much more enjoyable to read (I'm one of those readers that likes to picture the story in my eye, and there weren't a lot of descriptions for me to picture).



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): I occasionally found myself daydreaming…thinking about Larry. I feel that the ellipsis in this sentence would be better served as a comma.

Commas are needed after the dialogue tags in the following sentences: But every time I left on a business trip my husband would say “If you get the opportunity for a little extracurricular fun, take it! And bring me back a souvenir.” ... Larry quickly said “I saved you a seat.”

“Anything!” He replied. The dialogue tag needs to be in lowercase letters.



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was, at the end, when the woman got a hickey as a souvenir for her husband.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: More details and an expansion on a couple of the scenes would really benefit this story, in my opinion.


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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110
110
Review of The Hunter  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Ken Fairchild !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I immediately wanted to know why this man was planning murder... and I wasn't to be disappointed. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The POV was well-maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was somewhat original, but it worked well.

The pace was realistic. The memories in the middle did nothing to break it up. *Thumbsup*

The conflict was pretty good. I felt that you could have dragged the actual shooting out a bit more, though. (Most of the story was memories or thoughts. I felt that there could have been more action, you know?)



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were very realistic. I really felt for the man! *Thumbsup*

The development that occurred within the narrator was well-written. It wasn't obvious, but there were subtle hints here and there as he began to realize what was going on with his wife. *Thumbsup*

There wasn't any dialogue in this story, but I felt that none was really needed. Everything that needed to be conveyed was conveyed through thoughts, descriptions, and actions.



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: The setting was perfect: a quiet forest with no witnesses. *Thumbsup*

The descriptions were pretty good. I felt that you could have described the forest a bit more in the beginning (or perhaps somewhere else in the story).



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): She’d get home at midnight and say “We all decided to grab something to eat after the game.” A comma is needed after the dialogue tag.

Combine the following sentences: My mind began to race. The thoughts of him screwing my wife…the thoughts of what I was about to do!



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was when the narrator changed his mind about killing the man his wife was sleeping with, and instead decided to ruin something that the man obviously cared about.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: Phew, what a story! I'm glad that he didn't kill the man, though. I would've hated to see him in jail!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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111
111
Review of The Vacation  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi !
Please note that what follows are only my opinions. Use what helps and ignore the rest!


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: From the very first, I wanted to know what it was that had made this man's vacation as miserable as it was. *Thumbsup*



STYLE & POV: The POV was well-maintained throughout the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*



PLOT, PACE, & CONFLICT: The plot was original and realistic. *Thumbsup*

The pace was even, neither too slow and nor too quick. *Thumbsup*

I felt that the conflict in the story (when the father was getting beaten up by Phil) could have been drawn out more.



CHARACTERS, DEVELOPMENT, & DIALOGUE: The characters were realistic, especially the father's reaction to his daughter sleeping with a total stranger. *Thumbsup*

There was no real development in this story, although I have to admit there really wasn't any room for it.

The few lines of dialogue that were present in this story were realistic, especially the cursing between Phil and the father. *Thumbsup*



SETTINGS & DESCRIPTIONS: I love vacations; who doesn't? *Thumbsup*

I felt that there could have been more descriptions in this short story. Riding ziplines, walking on the beach, eating at a cafe, getting beat up by a daughter's lover... all of this could have been described in much more detail.



MECHANICS (GRAMMAR, SPELLING, PUNCTUATION): The comma in We made love until we collapsed in a sweaty, heap on the bed. is unnecessary.

The sentence “Okay,” I said to myself is in need of punctuation at the end, preferably a period.



MY FAVORITE PARTS: My favorite part was when the daughter told her father that she had never been more embarrassed in her life. This happens too often in real life.



ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS: An expansion of this would be great... longer action, more detail!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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112
112
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi askpaddy !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


Style
*Note6* The point of view seemed to go astray a couple of times. It is omniscient and carried out pretty well, but I felt that the switches between characters' points of view could be handled a bit smoother.
*Note6* Put some more space inbetween the story and the notes both above and underneath the story.
*Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* The reason was the headlines in the Local Paper. The words Local Paper are not proper nouns, and therefore do not need to be capitalized.
*Note6* It had sold well to Anglican and Catholics, but not the Presbyterians. The word Anglican should be plural, like Catholics and Presbyterians.
*Note6* It was like The Argos Catalogue but only included Religious Items. The words Religious Items are not proper nouns, and should not be capitalized.
*Note6* Of course it also included sections on Candles, Furniture, Teaching Aids, Robes and Vestments, Christmas and Easter Visual Displays and church books. All of the capitalized words (except for Christmas and Easter) are not proper nouns and therefore don't need to be capitalized.
*Note6* The words Twenty First Century Presbyterian are used in one paragraph. Combine the first two words with a dash, since that is the proper way to write out that number.
*Note6* He sat on most of the Primary school Management Committees, and despite the fair employment legislation, managed to get members of his congregation employed at each school. If you are going to capitalize Primary, Management, and Committees, then school should also be capitalized, since it is part of the name.
*Note6* The lot, all standing at least twelve inches high made of solid plastic and clothed in the dress of biblical times. This sentence has no clear verb. Try rewriting the sentence.
*Note6* Two angels, who looked a bit like they could double as Christmas Fairies were suspended above the Crib. Another comma is needed after Christmas Fairies to separate the phrase from the rest of the sentence.
*Note6* At four o’clock in the afternoon a Parishioner, normally a good catholic, was wending his way home past the church having been celebrating in the Pub since lunchtime. The word catholic is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
*Note6* Maybe it was the Parishioner or maybe it was the hand of God, but a solid plastic Shepherd was slammed down hard on Father Mathews head. Possession is used in this sentence, but it is not shown. Change Mathews to Mathew's to properly show the possession.
*Star**Star*


Characters
*Note6* The characters were amusing to read about. I felt that I could have learned a bit more about them through actions or thoughts, instead of reading mini biographies about them in paragraphs.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


Plot
*Note6* There wasn't much of a plot to this, but what there was ran smoothly, with only the occassional bump to deter it.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* There were a bunch of descriptions in the beginning of the story about each individual minister that I felt could have been better expressed through thoughts or actions.
*Note6* The descriptions about the manger were very good. Great job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts
This was an interesting read. I have a priest exactly like Knox McDonald in my parish =]
OVERALL RATING: 3.5*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
113
113
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Modern Writer !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


Style
*Note6* The point of view was consistent throughout the entire story. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* The terror began at dawn when the broken body of Lamia, a young witch from Castle Reach was found amidst her cauldron and herbs. Add a comma after Castle Reach so as to finish separating the description from the rest of the sentence.
*Note6* They’d showed him no mercy with their judgment; he’d shown them none with his revenge. To maintain verb consistency, change showed to shown.
*Note6* My sister, Mila used the Talking Stones of Divination, they told her the truth. Either add another comma after Mila or eliminate the comma in front of the name.
*Note6* Ganth rose tossing his bed aside and prepared to flee. Separate the action by placing commas around tossing his bed aside.
*Note6* A solid line of black-robed avengers appeared from the darkness; a semi-circle closing his path to freedom. Change the semi-colon to a comma, since the part following the semi-colon is not a complete sentence and cannot stand alone.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Characters
*Note6* The characters were believable and easy to relate to. Good job making their personalities shine through the thoughts and actions!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Plot
*Note6* The plot was simple and undeterred. The pace was smooth, with no bumps to hinder it. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* The descriptions were excellent.
*Note6* My favorite one was the descriptions of the flaming cottages toppling over like toys children had grown tired of.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts
Great story, excellently written.
OVERALL RATING: 4.5*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Review of Ralph, The Elf  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi IGWOOTEN !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


Style
*Note6* The point of view was well-maintained throughout the story. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* This was christmas eve. Make christmas eve capital, since it is a proper noun.
*Note6* 'Blue Christmas' By Elvis Presley hollowly echoed off the walls. The word By should not be capitalized.
*Note6* Separate the following two paragraphs: He nodded at each one in turn, but his focus remained on Sheila. ... "What are you ladies doing here in the middle of the afternoon?"
*Note6* Separate the following two paragraphs: "Escape from what? The North Pole?" Laura giggled As she twirled the end of the paisley scarf tied around her head. They didn't call her Madonna Jr. for nothing. ... His green eyes narrowed and darkened as he comtemplated Laura's lighthearted question, then smiled. "Something like that." Also, the word As should not be capitalized, and the word comtemplated is spelled wrong and should instead be contemplated.
*Note6* "Well, Ralph, Thank you for the drinks but we should get going." The word Thank shouldn't be capitalized.
*Note6* "Sure, that would be great." Sheila said. The first period should be changed to a comma.
*Note6* Sheila's head felt full of cotton wadding. This paragraph should be separated more from the rest of the story, since it is happening much later. Try putting stars (***) or extra spaces in between the time frame.
*Star**Star**Star*


Characters
*Note6* The characters were believable. However, I think that some more of their personalities could have shone through in this story.
*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Plot
*Note6* The plot was simple, and ran smoothly, with nothing unnecessary to deter it.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* The descriptions were very good.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts
I liked this; it's different and entertaining.
OVERALL RATING: 4*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Review of Icon  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Nihilist !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.



Wow. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much about poetry, but this poem really stuck with me. I like the fact that there is no punctuation (to me, that seems even more powerful). I'll also admit that I had to look up what carcinogen meant =]

Overall, great poem. It's realistic and easy for people to identify with. I loved the imagery.



Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Review of Cat in Heat  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi mikey jr !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.



I liked this poem, though I had to read it a couple of times to get the meaning, and even now I'm nto completely sure I did. One line in particular confused me: Inside-out the concrete. What did you mean to say? That one totally went past my head. I was also confused as to the title of the poem. Why A CAT IN HEAT? Was their any particular meaning to that title (once again, the meaning probably flew right past me).

Besides that, I thought this poem was laid out very well. The style was great, especially the choppy lines.



Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Review of She Struggles  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Firestorm !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


I liked this poem. It seems very realistic, and something anyone can relate to easily.

In this line, A pending divorce she wish's was over, the word wish's is used incorrectly, and should instead be wishes.

The following stanza confused me, and took away from the overall feel of the poem:
         I am a burden but feels she needs
         Someone to say "I Love You"
         If only a magic wand would appear
         She Struggles

Other than that, great poem!


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Apriori Adlucem !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


Style
*Note6* The point of view seems to be consistent so far; good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* The morning sun rose steadily over the mountian tops, filling the Autumn leaves with color and consuming Storia in a fiery shadow of ruby and topaz. The word Autumn does not need to be capitalized.
*Note6* The rusty old church bell rang somewhat dully this morning, though the sound still managed to travel across town, through Samuels window and, as it does every Sunday morning, awake him entirely too early. The ringing of the church bell is traveling through Samuel's window.
*Note6* "Mother!" he shouted as he rolled out of bed, "If God really loved us, wouldn't he let us sleep until noon?" If you wish to have the comma after the dialogue tag, then remove the capital letter in If. If you wish to keep it capitalized, however, then change the comma to a period.
*Note6* "You know Samuel, Mr. Normans' daughter's gunna be there today. She's a very pretty girl and I'd bet if you'd...." The word gunna is not a word; the correct spelling is gonna or going to.
*Note6* "Ew, momma! I don't like that girl!" he shouted in disgust, crinkling his nose in protest, "She reeks of liquorish and her hair is always in tangles!". The same thing applies for this sentence that I mentioned above. Also, the period at the very end is not necessary, since the sentence is already ended with an exclamation point.
*Star**Star**Star*


Characters
*Note6* There isn't much room for character development here, or for readers to get a sense of who the characters are. However, this is a work in progress, so I'm sure you'll get to that eventually. [I'm deciding not to score this part on my overall rating, because of the brevity of this piece so far.]


Plot
*Note6* I wonder what is going to happen... [Once again, I'm not scoring this part...]


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* The setting part that you have written is excellent. If you could incorporate that into the larger story, it would really add a great deal of depth.
*Note6* The descriptions in the part of Chapter 1 that you have are also extremely well-written. Keep writing like this and you'll have an excellent story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts
I liked this beginning to the story. I would like it even more if you somehow incorporate the Setting part into your actual story!
OVERALL RATING: 4*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi brokensoul <3 darksaint !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.

The poems themselves are nicely written and styled. However, I think that you should put a lot more spacing in between the poems. I kept on getting confused as to whether a poem was ending and a new one was starting, or whether the same poem kept on going.
My favorite poem was "Bad Dream."

Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Review of Why Do I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Spirit Flying Solo !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


Style
*Note6* The first person point of view was used effectively here. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* The assignment is why do write. First of all, you need the noun I in that sentence. Secondly, this sentence is not really necessary, since the title of this short essay is "Why Do I Write."
*Note6* I have quite a colorful and checkered past and I believe that I have plenty to draw from well. The last word, well, isn't needed in this sentence. It takes away from the smooth flow.
*Note6* It also helps me tell the difference of what is actually rational and what might be risky and unhealthily behavior. The word unhealthily is used incorrectly, and should be changed to unhealthy.
*Note6* I enjoying the written words that have so many different meanings and for me to use them in those different ways. The verb enjoying should be rewritten in the present tense, enjoy.
*Note6* To have my reader sit back and either use their own imagination to draw their conclusion, or create an image that is seen from a very different side then the norm. You have incorrect pronoun usage here. If you use reader in the beginning of this sentence, then you have to keep the singularity of the pronoun consistent throughout the sentence (i.e. you'd have to change all of the theirs to his/herss. However, if you wish to keep all of the theirs in the sentence, then simply change reader to readers.
*Star**Star**Star*


Characters
*Note6* There are no essential characters, so readers may look at you (the first person narrator) for the ability to connect with. I'm sure that many writers feel that you do (I know that part of what you said is true for me, too), and were able to connect with this short essay. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


Plot
*Note6* There is no plot to this essay, so I am eliminating the scoring for this part...


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* There were a few descriptions here and there, and were used effectively. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts

OVERALL RATING: 4*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
This was very helpful. Most of it I knew already, but some of it (the adverbs, for example) I didn't. I learned what the - was called too (funny word, emdash, isn't it?).

The only suggestion I have for this article is that you separate the 15 points you made. I found it a bit difficult to read as I went along. Spacing things out will help other too, I'm sure, and provide more clarity for this extremely helpful article.

Good luck in all that you do, and thank you for sharing your wisdom and hard work with us,
Sara Ann
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Review of The Fading  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Charmaine !
Please note that these are only my opinions, and you do not need to make any changes that I may suggest.


Style
*Note6* The point of view was consistent throughout the story up until the very end, when it switched to that of the middle-aged woman cleaning the bathroom. Try to either make the transition much smoother, or keep everything in one point of view only (I would suggest that you go with the second suggestion, since the story is so short).
*Note6* The first paragraph was not indented, unlike the other three. Also, the two middle paragraphs seem to be mushed together. Separate them for more clarity for your readers.
*Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* There were no spelling or grammatical mistakes that I could see. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Characters
*Note6* There wasn't much development in this story. I couldn't really get a sense of who the girl was, other than the fact that everybody ignored her.
*Note6* Is the girl dead? Is the girl a ghost? I thought that, at the end of the story, I would find out what had happened to the girl. I have to admit that I was greatly confused. There seemed to be no resolution at the end of the story, and it left me feeling very disappointed. A bit more clarity is needed here...
*Star**Star**Star*


Plot
*Note6* There seemed to be no essential plot, other than the girl being ignored by everyone she encounters. What had happened to her in her previous life; why did everyone ignore her? These are critical questions that everyone who reads this is going to ask themselves.
*Star**Star**Star*


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* The descriptions were good, especially those of the people ignoring her. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts
This would have been a great story if everything was explained at the end... I think this has a great deal of potential as a story, though.
OVERALL RATING: 3.5*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not much of a person for poetry, but I really liked this poem. You never mentioned the sidewalk, but I could clearly see everything that you described.

The only problem I had with this (and I really wouldn't call it a problem, I just couldn't think of another word) was that, in the first stanza, there was a period after every line. I felt that the periods weren't necessary; all four lines felt like one sentence to me.

Other than that, great poem. Keep up the good work!
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Rated: E | (4.0)

Style
*Note6* The point of view remained consistent throughout the story. Good job!
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


Mechanics
*Note6* A basket were hanging from her right arm. A basket is a singular noun. Change the word were to was.
*Note6* In the basket were a newborn baby warped with blankets. A baby is a singular noun. Change the word were to was.
*Note6* The little girl watched her mother with yellow eyes, that were shining with hunger and frustration. Delete the comma, as it is unnecessary and only slows down the sentence.
*Note6* “I’ve given birth to a monster.” She told herself over and over again. The word She should not be in capital letters, as it is the dialogue tag in the sentence.
*Note6* She got blinded by his beauty, she knew what he was and what would happen if she gave birth to his child. I suggest that you change the word got to had been, as it is more gramatically correct. Also, change the comma to a semi-colon to separate the different ideas in the sentence.
*Note6* Caroline decided to give it to the church, becasue she knew they would kill it, without a second thought. Delete the second comma.
*Note6* Caroline ran past some trees, that had changed the color of their leaves to different shades of orange and brown. The comma is unnecessary in this sentence.
*Note6* She stood at the edge of the cliff, underneath her pointy stones were covering the ground, and angry waves were hitting those stones. Change the first comma to a semi-colon to separate the different ideas.
*Note6* Her body got pirced by the pointy stones and her blood spread into the water, as waves hit her. The proper spelling of the word pirced is pierced. The comma is also unnecessary in this sentence.
*Star**Star*


Characters
*Note6* The character seemed to be developed well; her fear and anxiety really showed in her actions and thoughts. However, I thought you could show a bit more of her personality in giving some background information on her.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


Plot
*Note6* The plot ran smoothly, with no bumps. However, I still wish there had been some more background information present.
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


Descriptions, Setting
*Note6* The descriptions were pretty good, especially those of the baby in the basket.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


My Overall Thoughts
Good story. Something different, with a unique voice.
OVERALL RATING: 4*Star*s


Keep Writing !!!*Bigsmile*
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Review of Leaving  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow. I really liked this piece. It was very emotional, yet was kept on a somewhat calm level. I liked the way you put the reasons why the narrator couldn't tell her husband why she was leaving in parentheses; it really added more depth to the story itself.

As I was reading, I got a feel for the narrator's character. She seems rather insecure and unsure about herself, yet at the same time knows that what she is doing is the right thing to do (at least in her mind).

Very emotional. Very powerful. Very well-written.

Keep up the good work!
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