I just loved it, It is short, but it carries such a depth of emotion and touches the heart straight away. The pain and the regret is most apparant. The love is clear. Should that have been 'than' not 'then' line six - I love you more than in the dream? keep at it
I assume you meant angels, and not angles. I like the ides, but not sure if the repetitive word word so well. Sometimes less frequent repetition works better, especially as you changed the repetition patteren at the end. I did not feel that the ending was powerful enough, and I certainly was not led there.
Good luck
Nice poem. I liked it. I liked the imagery and the magic.
I think the ending should have Been as magical and romantic as the rest if the poem. Try it with a different end
Good work. Keep writing
Hey, pretty powerful story, I really liked it and it worked for me. the tension and drama were all there and captured well. I liked the way it ended, and the last line, ' the war is finally over; fantastic way to finish this story, as it can have a number of different meanings. so why not call it, War is over. a bit like that John Lennon song.
keep writing.
Hi nice sentiment. Couple of thoughts about improvement for you to consider. Line two might be better as, there is nothing to see. And how about, they gave terror a name. I think better puntiatoon in a couple of places would help for example line 5 from the bottom should be slower case y
And the 4th line should be a lower case a.
Good luck with the writing
Good Poem. Many years ago I worked in a psychiatric hospital and wore a white coat and carried a bunch of keys. In retrospect that was the worst environment for the most vulnerable people, THis is so accurate and reads well. I can picture the place and the fear,.
Hey, this read as a nice little ditty, I could imagine it as part of compilation in a childrens book, with pictures. Very vivid imagery and nice sounding rhymes with a bit of a moral. I think something to make it a little more funny/silly would enhance it greatly. well done and keep writing
Nice lyrics SamK. can almost hear them to the sound of a guitar, They scan well and tell a good little story. I would try changing the last line in verse three to read - gave me no reason to smile. and sort of stretch the smiiillle. Also I guess the last word is meant to be soar.
I kliked this bit of wrting. it is very evocative and I could almost feel the emptiness, So I guess it works well. The only bit I wondered about was the - 'like it’s a religion'. I am not sure that worked well, and to me was the weakest bit, some other metaphor is required that fits better, I think. How about Huddles around it like there is no tommorrow... any way only opinion. Keep writing.,
Laugh out loud. Very funny I thought, I did get a little lost in the narrative as to what was going on and had to really concentrate to read it. Also I think it should be Uncle M's and not the way that you have written it, i.e Uncles's M's. Anyway, keep writing.
Hey, nice lyrics, I could not quite figure out the tune or the rytham, but I really like the words and the phrases that you have used throughout, they lift these lyrics from a run of the mill type pop to more substantial rock, with some depth and meaning to it . well done
Nice little poem, although not my cup of tea, it certainly read with some depth to it, good structure and a nice rhythm to. It. Was quite funny when iread it the second tine around , especially the ending I though was a good analogy which. I did not get first read
Very emotional and nice poem. The sort you might find in a card, Usually these poems are about mothers, rarely do mothers write like this for their sons. The love you feel comes through very clearly, and the poem is very heartfelt. It is obviously very personal and structurally can not be faulted.
Very nice little short poem I am no expert so cannot comment on the structure. But the poem wa svery evocative. I guess the best test of a poem is n ot did it follow the rules, but did it move t he reader, did it connect with the reader and did it trigger an emotional response. I can say this poem did all three. near perfect. well done
Hi . I liked this verse. It is very striking and the imagary captures the nine to five rat race that many are caught in as life and time just passess by far to quickly, while planning and waiting to do the things you want to do. I like the line ; ¨this tie is choking" very true and a very good use of this phrase as literally choking the life out of the person. lovely ending, Does he dream too much, or not enough
Hi, Very nice story, it developed and unfolded well> i have given you some specific comments as well. I think you need to pay more attention to grammer and structure. It was a little difficult to follow at times. Also, do not start sentences with And. If you are using an and, it should really be a comma as the sentence has not finished. for example it should be comma, and we always kill the seer. Hope that helps. Good story though
Excellent poem. I loved it. The metaphor you use are so invocative. Allowing the reader to interpret it's meaning. For me this was the daily slog in a capitalist society. Others would obviously read it differently. The last line of the first verse should be no, not. Know. Keep writing
Nice verse. Very evocative. You seem to have captured the synergy between melody and nature exceptionally well. I wonder if you could have made it more personal, for example music is the breath heartbeat and rytham of (my$ life. And so on, That may have enhanced the mood. Good work. Keep writing
Very funny little rhyme, I liked it, short and snappy and to the point, However if you are going to make reference to Dr Zuess then I think you should expand this a lot more so there is lots of verse in the similar style, you could go through each of the battery sizes
Very funny. well don
Great story, with a great twist. When you introduced the android it was totally unexpected that I had to read it again. Then the story made sense. Despite the mechanicals It also actually conveyed some really feeling and emotion. I think Asmiov would have been impressed. Well done and keep up the good work
Hey Henry. Execellent. I really enjoyed what you have written, You have been able to capture the mood perfectly, remineded me of the original Gothic fiction of Shelly and Byron. The dreamlike state that you have created is so on target. and the symbolism really adds depth and intellegence to the story. Sometimes, symbols can become a distraction, but these are used so well
Hey, Pretty good little story, perhaps the ending was a little corny. The letter expecially. I think that the conclusion needs to unfold differentlt, the letter is almost a lazy tool to short cut the story and fill in the gaps. Maybe the story could have been interspesed with extracts from the letter.
Keep on writing.
Good story and good concept. Descriptive account of the snow and the cold. the uncertainty and confusion of being dead comes across well. The story is gripping and I wanted to read more. I think that that some of the dialogue could be sharpened up. It just seems so ordinary, unless that was your intention. Well done
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