Writing comedy or satire requires the creator to have a full understanding of how the opposing party thinks and structures their argument, that is where this comedic attempt falls short.
Your attempt to humiliate Mr. Dawkins/science falls rather flat because a scientific fact is not static, it is mutable and dynamic. Scientific facts change all of the time when enough evidence is discovered to prove what was previously considered a fact less factual or completely false. As man of science and reason, as he declares himself to be, Dawkins would have to accept the fact that Sasquatches are real if he saw them with his own eyes because then the party asserting the positive (that Sasquatches are real) would have fulfilled their obligation by providing proof of their claim/assertion. As for the Sasquatch being a missing link, genetic testing would be needed to determine their genetic similarity to human beings, Homo Sapiens Sapiens.
Science is always being amended. Here are some scientific facts that scientists thought were true for a time but were eventually proven false. While the site isnt reputable, the examples are
Also
Theory (scientific definition)-a coherent group of tested general propositions, commonly regarded as correct, that can be used as principles of explanation and prediction for a class of phenomena
Theory (unscientific, or common, definition)- contemplation or speculation, not usually based on scientific evidence.
Hypothesis (scientific definition)- a supposition or proposed explanation made on the basis of limited evidence as a starting point for further investigation.
Many environmentalists dont ignore the system. The concept behind global warming is that human beings have upset the balance that you have accurately put forth. by releasing more greenhouse gases than the system can handle, thus trapping the radiation that warms the earth.
I'm not here to bash you but I will play devil's advocate.
If the "theory" of evolution is to hold, then man is more likely to have developed quadripedality and evolved into an ape -According to scientific classification human are a part of the family Hominidae or the great apes
-Being bipedal from an evolutionary perspective does have its advantages. It frees up our hands to create complex tools. we can see a the landscape better than most animals who eyes are located near the ground
and a highly unprotected species. - Human being may be unprotected in terms of brute strength, fangs, and claws but we are very dangerous creatures because of our brains. We are the smartest creatures on this planet and the evidence of out destruction and great creations are everywhere.
" The way in which monkeys walk is much easier, faster and more efficient"- its not always about easier or efficient, although most of the time it is, its about having the best traits to survive in your environment and human being are incredible survivors. Human being as a species are very intelligent generalists
." Even evolutionists themselves confess that they do not have the answer as to how life began.
-Just because a way has not been discovered to create a cell does not mean that there is not one, just that science as it know and practiced has not discovered one.
-Admitting that we dont know is one of the greatest things about science. Science is not infallible, which for some reason people like to believe, and is always changing. Ideas and technologies that we have now would have been considered the domain of God 100 year ago. My point being that just because we dont know doesnt mean that the answer isnt out there. We just might not have the technology to know the exact origin of the cell.
"When we look at the fossil record, where we would expect to see evidence for the support of evolution, we again find the contrary to be true. If evolution did occur then we would expect to see lots of fossils for "transition species," e.g., half-fish/half-reptiles."
- According to evolution as it is understood now there most likely wouldnt be half fish /half reptile creature. Small changes occur over a vast span of time, so vast that transitions species as we imagine them (half fish/reptile) would not even exist. Species with the traits of both reptiles and fish would be more along the line of what the Theory of Evolution predicts
"The theory of evolution originates from Darwin’s ideas on the origin of man,"-- Its the Origin Of Species. In the text at least he never spoke of human evolution. It would have added more scandal to already scandalous book
"The theory has been disproved by the fossil record, the laws of thermodynamics, the discovery of the complex nature of the human cell (which Darwin could never have imagined), the impossibility of the evolution of bipedality…and the list goes on…the impossibility of transition from water to land, how birds could never have evolved form reptiles etc. etc."
- The Theory has not been scientifically disproved, although it may have been disproved in your opinion. The Theory still hold clout in science because science cannot or has not found a method to empirically test measure and repeat test to prove or disprove the existence of a creator. Until such time comes, if it comes, science will function as it has been for more than a century. If time does come science(the process), not scientists (human beings) will accept the notion that there is a creator. Science is far more flexible than people give it credit for and is always disproving old ideas and embracing new ones
Simple and accurate. Money does make the world go around but some churches see it as the only goal and not a means to good ends. I like your prose and find it simple and elegant. Sounds like it could be attached to Martin Luther's
The Ninety-Five Theses. Good luck and keep writing
Love it!! I like historical fiction in general but I like yours in particular. It was a smooth and easy read, one of the hallmarks of good writing. I like your characters. They are well thought out and convincing as people. Keep up the good work and I hope that you expand on this.
You captured some feelings I had a ling time ago perfectly. Its rare, from what I have come across anyway, for a writer to capture so many tangled emotions in so few words and short choppy but fluid sentences. Everything flows together so well and I do not think that I can emphasize your fluidity of sentence and emotion enough. Keep writing and good luck
I'm not sure whether or not you intended to make this poem one bug run on sentence but you have. I'm going to copy and paste your poem with suggested punctuation reforms that I think make the poem sound better when read aloud. I'll put an asterisk (*) near my suggestions
That’s you
What if I told you love can be deathly unkind?*
Searching for someone whom you may never find,
Further falling in a rut to this daily grind,
Constantly having someone consuming your souls mind.*
I’ve given frequent thought to mornings that we share,
Your laugh and smile I get so lost inside your stare.*
I see you through a tunnel,* this darkness needs a flare.*
Just a shimmer of light, a* signaling that you might care.*
As I walk this earth completely lost in dream,
Will there be a way to maybe see this through?*
I can’t contain myself I really want to scream,
It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you.*
Time's* hands are moving and * they’re quickly passing by.*
The sun is setting on the story of you and I.*
Although,* without a hello can you really* have a goodbye?*
If I said I didn’t want more would it be a lie.*
The future is very difficult to forecast,
Nothing constructed in today is built to last.*
Maybe one day I will smile looking on the past,
Ten years is forever yet it vanishes so fast.*
As I walk this earth completely lost in dream,
Will there be a way to maybe see this through,
I can’t contain myself I really want to scream?*
It’s not a single trait, it’s the* everything that’s you.
This story was ...interesting but it was full of so many cliches it was hard to enjoy.
Why does Odora have to be a blond haired blue- eyed beauty? Brunettes exist too. And maybe I missed it but you dont even describe your main character's physical appearance. Your reader has no idea what he looks looks like.The lack of decription about him makes him a very empty character. Also, he's not a very relatable or sympathetic hero either. He's lazy and selfish and only seems to emphasize what Odora can do for him (make money, ,be beautiful, turn into a hunting animal). Odora is pretty cool too, she can shape-shift but all she cares about is a husband.
I was doing pretty ok until this passage and I just cant let it go.
"You got that wrong, girl. You know how jealous trolls can be. Most of the time, we make our selves ugly so other fellows aren't attracted to us, but we don't stay that way when we're alone with our husbands. Normally, we tell our daughters that when they get married, but I had no idea what human men liked."
So even troll women must change themselves to be beautiful only for their husbands that they do not even get to choose? Just wow :(
Poor Odora doesn't even have much of a personality other than to please her husband
My advice would be to shift the setting of this story to the troll world because your humans are bland but concept of your trolls is innovative if a bit shallow. Craft a mini universe. Keeping the troll tails no matter what it would add a plot device and keep their transformations from being too flawless.
I think that the man reason this story isnt very relatable is that your hero doesnt learn anything. Sure your hero learns to love Odora but not because of her, just that she didn't turn out to be hideous. I think it has major room for comedy as well. Trolls and humans seem to know nothing about each other and could make for a great comedy of errors with your hero and Odora getting to know one another.
I wasn't really looking for grammar this go around so I'll have to do a second sweep
Use a larger variety of words. It will enhance the quality of your piece and give your reader some visual eye candy.It will also force you to create some really great sentences when you discover awesome words.
Not bad. I like the way you build up to the storm and your use of commas. Just like the the ocean only commas separates one temperment from the other.
"Houses silhouetting" just seems off to me though.
Overall I like your poem. Maybe you can add a few more lines, it just feels a bit short to me. Keep writing
I like it. It is such a bleak perspective of love and I can't help like it.
So it does flow pretty well. It is short and bittersweet. No room for misinterpretation. I think you and should make and expanded poem with a similar theme. Good luck and keep writing .
Whoo that was a read but I liked it. Simple and elegant writing. Hmm I can't really say anything was wrong. Makes me wish I was a professional so i could find something wrong.
Grammar: Nothing wring that I could fine
What I like: The tone especially. I really felt like I was traveling with the narrator the whole way
Keep writing. Please!!!
What I like: I LOVE the premise and really want to read more.
What I didn't like: Your tone is everywhere due to your word choice and sentence structure. I think I can feel what kind of narrative style you are going for (gothic style? E.A. Poeish, Lovecraftian maybe). Unfortunately it feels forced because your sentences are wordy and unpolished.
Write more about the knife fight scene. It was an awfully short section for such a climactic moment.
This story has potential and I really like it. You just need to work on a consistent narrative voice and maybe type with a thesaurus tab up I know I do.Good luck
Grammar & such:
"In law and virtue, which our obsessive compulsive mind burns in a confrontation, is where laid the body of Ishmael.”
The soulless shadow of a body, a sad boy who’s mother will mourn. A dead heart. Dead, was his sculpted body."<-----{ Probably should be 'The soulless shadow of a body. A sad boy who’s mother will mourn. A dead heart. Death now sculpted his body."}
You may want to make a new paragraph here or rework the paragraph so that it flows better.
The burning knife laid in his bloody chest, deflating his tortured heart. Soon his body will go without drinking milk , <------{ Why milk, that sounds strange and throws off the story }
starve of blood and get eaten by maggots which will soon corrupt it. <-----{You may want to change that sentence to "starved of blood and corrupted by writhing maggots" or something of the sort }
“Such loneliness…” said a voice amongst the crowd that surrounded it. “Call an ambulance, the police,” said a man waving his walking stick, “or the sun will dry out the evidence of this hideous crime.” <-----{The bystanders don't sound very concerned or aghast at this hideous crime. If this is normal for them I think you should mention it. }
The moon lit the crowd. It consisted of young men and women dressed in formal attire. Dresses, high heels, amongst other things.<----{this sentence seems unnecessary} The men where curious in<--- the event and the women, well, some screamed and some fainted under the brilliant stars.<---{If it was that gruesome why are only the women fainting. Be consistent if his death was that awful everyone at this funeral should be gagging} “This will make the front headlines.” said a Russian boy catching the dead body with his new smartphone. “I’m a rich man…” <----{This dialogue should probably start a new paragraph. You should look it up on a formal grammar website}
There was a crowd witnessing what was happening. It happened during Saied’s high school graduation in Notting Hill. Lovers who pass the day dreaming, the class clown who’s brain mistreated him and the believer in God. All amongst the crowd. <---{Is it important to the overall story who was watching because this paragraph feels pointless to the story? If you want to make mention that there was a crown that is find but I don't think it deserves a paragraph}
Saied’s right leg exposed it’s red flesh as Ishmael strikes it with the knife. It bled furiously. A heat wave overtook Saied’s body which now laid on top of Ishmael. He salvaged the knife from Ishmael’s black hand and punctured <--{"Punctured" doesnt convey the right connotation for this sentence. You should look up some synonyms. Connotation is just as important as denotation }his chest.
What I liked: Your concept. It is hard to write about grief.
What I didnt like: I really didn't feel very much grief while I was reading. It could have been the grammatical errors that kept me stumbling.
I suggest that you conjure up some grief when you write so that you con pour out your soul into your story's emotions
Grammar:"Tonight however, the cold easterly winds..." should be "Tonight, however, the cold easterly wind..." with a comma after 'Tonight'
To many ideas in some of your sentences, for example
His normally bubbly, youthful and slightly plump Grandfather had wasted away to become a weak, gaunt old man with greying skin hanging in translucent folds from his newly skeletal form.
You should break up sentences like these, it will make your writing smoother and easier to digest. Oh and sometimes you have commas where periods should be. Just be sure to read your work out loud. Grammatical errors will sometimes jump out at you because you notice the rhythm of the sentence is off.
His normally bubbly, youthful, and slightly plump Grandfather had wasted away. He had become a weak, gaunt old man with greying skin hanging in translucent folds from his newly skeletal form.
I can't go through all of them buy you have commas where their should be semicolons, for example...
He heard her voice breaking on every monosyllabic word and he silently walked what felt like the mile between his room and hers; head hung not just in grief but from the extreme weight of guilt bearing down on his shoulders.
Or you can just separate the those independent clauses into two sentences.
I almost cried... really.
You really let your emotions run through this
Grammar: nothing wrong that I could see
What I liked: The whole thing. Your emotional imagery really captivated my spirit. I love animals and it jjust broke my heart to see that puppy all alone.
What I didn't like: I can't think f anything, I'm pretty sure I'm biased now
"every trees" should be 'tree'
"blends" should be 'blend'
"surrounds" should be 'surround'
"warmth" should be 'warm'
"in their wings" should be 'into their wings'
watch your tenses, "bewitched" should be 'bewitch'
"Leading me to leap in their wings,who lift." this sentence sounds awkward and doesn't fit the feel of the rest of the poem
I think Ive looked at all of the poems in your portfolio and I have to say that I like them all. Have you ever tried free verse poetry. It can be difficult to get into at first but breaking away from rhyme can be freeing even if it is uncomfortable at first. Good luck and keep writing
It's wonderful to see a person bare their soul, especially online. I hope the woman you were talking about in this poem returned your feelings. Coming to terms with your own sexuality and accepting yourself and not being ashamed or afraid is a testament to anyone's personality, gay, straight, and everything in between.
So I like your imagery. You are consistent with it and I think that is a bonus. I see too many people write good poems that aren't consistent with their own themes.
The only thing I can say that I don't like about the poem is the title. Personally I like it when a title does a good job at hinting about the content of the poem. I see why you used your title, but it just doesn't hook me. I think you should choose a title that hints at the theme of your poem. Something fire based or hearthy.
Very abstract and tactile. It has good imagery which makes me rethink about how I experience my sensations. I'm not a fan of poetry and I don't do reviews because of my awful bias, but I like this poem and felt the need to say something. Good luck and keep writing.
We'll I'm not sure if you are gong to expand on this or not. I think you should. I like the premise and I think it would make a good story. Anyway...
I like the premise but I'm sorry to say that I can only give this story one star
Item #1: Grammar: I'm not not very good at spotting grammar mistakes but you have no punctuation at all. This makes the story difficult to read.
Item #2: Using number's in a professional story unless it involves math or a REALLY big number I don't recommend using numerals in novels or stories. It makes your work look tacky and unprofessional.
Item #3: Your language is very blunt, but I'm sure that's what you wanted. The problem with your blunt language is that it lacks emotion. It's honest but not sincere. I feel nothing when I read even if I like the moral of the story.
Loved it!!!. It was a great piece. The only objection that i have is at the end when the witch simply says "Alright". I think there should be a little more bite to her last line because. A simple answer doesnt seem to fit the personality you created for her. Other than that I have no complaints.
Most of your paragraphs are entirely too long with too many ideas. I would like to enjoy it but it's too clustered.
Also, using numbers instead of spelling them out makes your writing look unprofessional.
I would like to re-read this when it has been edited
Item #1: Paragraph 2 is a bit confusing. You should break it up.
Item #2: You misspelled 'following".
Item #3: "I can tell there is a very beautiful girl and a woman with a story to tell in there." This sentence sounds funny. You should omit either 'girl' or 'woman' or rework the sentence
Overall it is decent. The only real hiccup is your pacing, which isn't bad until the end. I think you either need to rework the dialogue or add some more.
The ending leaving much to be desired because of the transition from the last bit of dialogue to the ending paragraph.
This story has the potential to be a very good and touching slice-of-life piece
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