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631 Public Reviews Given
639 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual, honest, sometimes blunt. If you don't want the truth don't ask me. I do try to be nice, but I will tell you what I think.
I'm good at...
I'll read your story and let you know how it makes me feel. I don't mind spending time providing details of what works or doesn't and provide suggestions for the author's consideration. Grammar is important but I'm not a real stickler. Spelling though, at least use spell check.
Favorite Genres
I'll read many genres if your story grabs me.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, interactives.
I will not review...
I'll read most things. If I don't think I can, I'll let you know.
Public Reviews
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76
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Review of The Elevator  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Elevator

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Stuart, I like the originality of this piece and the mystery. I think though it is repetitive in some parts. I think this could be a brilliant prologue but it needs to be edited and tightened up.

For example the following, use either kilometers or miles, it just sounds odd with both and I'd not bother mentioning feet or yards:

The depth, although not accurately known, was believed to be in the region ofover (whatever number) kilometres or perhaps even miles rather than feet or yards, based on whatever proof or legends the explorers had discovered.

Fours years as the time frame is mentioned 3 times. The reader will know after the first time you mention it - I'd have Mike mention the time frame myself, not the narrator.

Other things are repeated too often (like this is a mystery) which made me feel like it was dumbed down like modern documentaries are now. Constant repetition after the commercial. I would read it out loud and note where you can trim and tighten this up. Sometimes less is more and the extra words reduce the tension this piece needs.

Also to make it easier to read, it would be great if you reformatted it somewhat to leave more space between paragraphs.

*Vignette6* What I liked:

I like the way you describe the elevator just sitting there. Waiting. I would look at ways increasing the tension around this. Perhaps introduce the people before the elevator so we are scared for them when they finally decide to take the journey.

I also like the bits of technical info you interject. Like no counterbalance so no way back. Just terrific.

I hope you will be prepared to tell us more about their adventures. This is a good idea and you could expand it.

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
77
77
Review of Liquid Sugar  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Liquid Sugar

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Interesting title and the story is a snapshot of a married brother visiting his single brother. I found parts of this difficult to read, it seems to be over-written, like it tries too hard to make me see what's going on.

The opening paragraph is good but it could use some tightening up:

Jamie was dressed like a model from one of those a classy vodka commercial. As Clyde swung his lean legs out of the car door, Jamie strode outside to greet him. The two embraced just as brothers do. Jamie attempted to conceal his innate joy, but Clyde's wide grin permitted reciprocation. (This last sentence sounds very unemotional, in my opinion.)

Item: From the passenger door emerged Clyde's wife, Sarah. "Sarah, how are you?" said Jamie.

This feel awkward, why not simply say: Clyde's wife, Sarah emerged from the passenger's door. Jamie greeted her, "Sarah, how are you?"

Item: "Not too bad, Jamie. How's life as a single man?" (Why would she say this? It sounds like she want to start an argument. Doesn't really fit the profile based on what you say about her later.}

Item: "Nothing feels better." (Really? This guy is dissing his brother and his family in one go.)

Item: Sarah looked down as if to disagree. Jamie looked past her and into the back seat. "Oh my goodness," he exclaimed, "you have another member of the Jennings clan?" (Didn't they tell him they were pregnant again? Not in 9 months or after the child was born? Not very believable.)

Consider: "Oh my goodness," he exclaimed, "Is this the newest member of the Jennings clan?" (Writing it this way shows he knew there was a child at least.)

Item: "Why of course" said Jamie as he brushed a fleck of dust off his suit. Jamie started up the front steps as Sarah made her way back returned to the car to wake up the kids. Clyde hesitated, placing one foot on the front steps and the other upon the tarmac, but then moved to join his brother.

Item: Opposite the front door was a towering wall of glass that overlooked the ocean and just past it satwas a sunken, steaming hot tub. The steady stream of wind from the shore ocean met the steam emanating from the tub in a swirling picturesque collision.

Item:

"Nice house," said Clyde, "definitely an upgrade from the last one."

"One could even say that I reap the benefits of being a working bachelor."

(Who is talking here? First it was Clyde then Jamie, who is this, you expect Clyde as there is nothing to indicate otherwise.) *Right* "Listen, Clyde, just don't bring up that whole bachelor thing with Sarah around. She hates it."

Item: Jamie chuckled and opened the refrigerator. "Yeah, I can tell," he muttered. (Miss comma)

Item: Jamie pulled a bottle of cream out of the refrigerator and turned on the coffee-maker. Sarah walked through the door. "This is quite the house, Jamie" she hollered from the front door. (Bit of confusion as to where Sarah is. They are in the kitchen and then you say she's walked through the door, the reader thinks she is in the kitchen so why is she hollering? Then she's back at the front door. See what I mean?)

"I'm aware," bellowed Jamie said proudly,"and if you so wish you and the kids can go and enjoy the beach."

Item: Jamie swiveled his head around to ensure that watch Sarah and the kids had left leave. When he was certain that they had, he stood up and trotted Then he stood and moved to the coffee-maker. He removed the pot as and warm brown liquid continued to trickle onto the counter. Clyde felt an urge to say something, but he sensed that Jamie was aware of the rapidly widening brown puddle. "How's life?" asked Jamie while he poured coffee into the first of two mugs.

Item: Silence floated into the room and Jamie felt the urge to broach his own affairs. (Silence cannot float.) Consider changing the sentence to something like: The lingering silence gave Jamie the urge to broach his own affairs.

Item: "The boss bumped me up in the order of things so I got a little pay raise." said Jamie (period needed). He smiled in satisfaction and pulled a tall bottle out of the cabinet above his head. He tilted the bottle and a syrupy, clear liquid flowed through the top.

Item: For a brief moment he thought he saw wisps of the younger Clyde drift towards the sea with in the steam from the hot tub.

Clyde looked into Jamie's bright, energetic eyes as they filled with and saw streams of hedonistic pleasure s flowing into his cornea. He absorbed his lavish surroundings with a sense of purpose that Clyde had never seen before, even in the greediest of men.


You need to check the punctuation in the end of your sentences where there is dialogue. I noticed a few places it's missing but only pointed it once in this review.

I think I noted as well you used 'uttered Jamie', twice in a couple of sentences. I'd change one of them so it's not repetitive.



*Vignette6* What I liked:

The end was very abrupt. At first I didn't like it, but now after consideration I think that I do.

Though I point out a bunch of issues in this piece, I don't think they are major problems. I think you just need to be careful with your imagery and how you choose to describe things.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
78
78
Review of Redux - chapter 1  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Redux

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:

I believe your idea is a good one and I know this is just a draft but there are somethings that you can improve.

The first paragraph could use some beefing up to make it grab your reader's interest. I sound that sentences were a bit awkward and didn't flow well. You can tighten them up by reading your work out loud.

For example:

Charlie focused her blue eyes on the vastness of empty space before her and tried not to think about the lack of coffee in her cup. Despite the fact that it was nearing one in the morning and she’d been warned by Rhodes, their on board head Doctor, not to drink caffeine at such irregular intervals, she wanted more. Charlie loved the dark substance too much.

Consider:

Azure eyes focused on the vastness of space and though weary, Charlie tried not to think about her now empty coffee cup. It was nearing one in the morning and the on-board doctor, Rhodes, had warned her not to take caffeine at such irregular intervals but Charlie loved the dark liquid too much, she wanted more.

Suggestion: The first sentence in the second paragraph didn't make sense to me. It didn't seem to belong to the first or second paragraphs:

And they would be back on solid ground in less than three days anyway. (usually if you are using and, it would relate to the thought before it, but this does not.)

Consider: Going through piece again and tightening it up. Remove words you do not need, I have crossed them out below as an example:

A smile curled her lips as she sunk further into the pilot’s seat. Her feet were crossed at the ankles and propped on the control panel, a bad habit she’d picked up from Zach, her pilot, and let herself close her eyes for a brief moment. She let the light hum of the ships engines lull through her, settle deep and low in the depths of her bones and provide a comfort to her. It wasn’t anything noticeable, but once you’d been flying in space, deep space for years, a person started to feel it.


I like the idea of this story and I look forward to your next draft!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
79
79
Review of Samount Gugar v2  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

*Exclaim* Hello: Wrath.of.Khan

*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight* Samount Gagar (v2)


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* I'll answer the questions that you asked here:

I do like Julie. I think she is like-able, pretty and a bit quirky which are all good in my book. She sounds like a bright teenage girl. She's not overdone or too smart or sarcastic.

With respect to the ending. I think it worked, it was good twist. Personally I wouldn't tell everyone that you'd rushed it. Why put it out there if it's not your best work? But I digress, I think you can add a bit more to the ending prior to the missile hitting the town. I think a bit more tension before his discovery of who the Dr. is would help this along. I thought perhaps if you changed the order of the ending ... putting the blast before August learns he's meeting his older self might be worth thinking about. After all he's just lost Julie and his home, how calm would he be? And you end on a cliff-hanger note.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*

I did like the whole story but there are some awkward parts which seemed to interrupt the flow.

I'm not being insulting so please don't think that. I just want to point out things that didn't work for me. I feel that sometimes you try too hard to be casual. I would suggest reading the following newsletter:

http://www.writing.com/main/em/box//msg/1319

There is some excellent information about removing lazy words from your writing.

For example from your first paragraph, sort of is a lazy phrase and removing it makes your sentence stronger.

Here is what you wrote:

Saratoga, New Mexico is a desert town. It’s the typical sort of place with one traffic light for three hundred odd residents living across sixty square acres. We have two eateries, a gas station, a school building, and enough empty space in between. Next door the barren New Mexico frontier stretches into the horizon.

Consider:

Saratoga, New Mexico is a typical desert town. It has one traffic light and three hundred residents live across sixty square acres. Two eateries, a gas station, Saratoga High School and empty lots make up the main street. Beyond the town, in every direction, the barren New Mexico frontier stretches into the horizon.

The following part was rough to read:

I graduate high school in a few months and other than math, my grades aren’t stellar. So I’m looking into getting a job. I have a job interview in about an hour with some Dr. Samount Gagar from the base. The interview is in the school building down the street and I thought I’d eat lunch in the meantime.

A flock of birds dash across the pure blue sky. The horde is larger than usual. I count thirty-three plus minus two. Thirty-three birds this time, but measurements must account for uncertainty. Plus minus is an overlooked necessity. I like numbers so I count everything and appreciate precision.

Julie is a salt skeptic so I add salt on the down low. The lid isn’t quite fastened. I don’t worry about it.

Consider:

I graduate high school in a few months and other than math, my grades are not stellar. So I’m looking into getting a job. I have an job interview in about an hour at the high school with some one Dr. Samount Gagarm,from the base. The interview is in the school building down the street and I thought I’d eat lunch in the meantime.

I know you are trying to show us more about how August thinks and that's a good thing, but this section is tossed in with no explanation or segue:

A flock of birds dash across the pure blue sky. The horde is larger than usual. I count thirty-three plus minus two. Thirty-three birds this time, but measurements must account for uncertainty. Plus minus is an overlooked necessity. I like numbers so I count everything and appreciate precision.

It also needs editing and some words just don't work in it such as dash and horde.
I know the definition of the word horde and using it here isn't wrong, but I wonder how many people will 'get it'.

You could put this paragraph where you mention August looking out the cafe window.

Consider: Thirty-three starlings, plus or minus two, flew across the cerulean sky. The flock is larger than usual. I like numbers and precision. I count everything but measurements must account for uncertainty. Plus or minus is an overlooked necessity.

Adding the type of bird makes it more interesting and specific as does changing 'pure blue sky' to cerulean.

This is just a bit off-putting:
Julie is a salt skeptic so I add salt on the down low. The lid isn’t quite fastened. I don’t worry about it.

Consider: Julie is a salt skeptic so I add salt surreptitiously. (or even, I add salt when she busy elsewhere.)



I haven't gone through all of this story with a fine tooth comb. This review took an hour with reading the story and going back through it. I think you need to go back and re-edit it, remove some of the lazy words and phrases and tighten it up.

I sincerely think it is worth all the time and effort you can put into it. When I read your request to review, before I read the story, I wondered what your publisher told you or suggested.

Anyway, I wish you much success and I'd be happy to read more anytime.



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Review of All Saints Day  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hello:Buick McKane, I am reviewing your story, All Saints Day.

What I Liked: I'm not sure what I liked really. I know that I didn't hate it.

Suggestions: There are a number of issues with this piece.

The opening paragraph is okay. The first line is odd though, why say 'from somewhere'? That doesn't make much sense, is it coming from the sky?

There are many words that should be capitalized, just Arizona, July, McDonalds.

I am not sure about this or why you use the asterisks:

Hi!" *smile* She assumed the people in the store were glad to see her.

Consider: "Hi!" She smiled, assuming the people in the store were glad to see her.

Issue: Katie giggled.. going straight over to the cooler and sliding just that off of one shelf.

Consider: If you use ellipsis, then there should be space before and after them like this:

Katie giggled ... going straight over to the cooler and sliding just that off the shelf.

Issue: he Sheriff's car cruised into the parking lot and slowly lurched it's way beside the unfamiliar '76 Nova to park.

Suggestion: Here it's should be its as the car is not a person it is a thing.

There are some other issues such as the use of asterisks in the swear words. I would suggest that either you don't use the swearing or change the rating of this piece to over 18 and put them in properly.

As well, it would be helpful to the reader that you format this correctly with dialogue for each character separated otherwise it is very hard to follow.

My Favourite Part:

Can't say I had a favourite part, but I didn't find this comedic at all. It sounds like a sad Bonny and Clyde type of thing.

It is not terrible but you just need to be a bit more careful with the basics of writing.

I hope you decide to come back to this and fix it up and continue it.

Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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Review of Pinky Swear  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello: Duane Engelhardt, I am reviewing your story Pinky Swear.

What I Liked: Interesting little slice of life story. Not sure what the contest is/was.

I thought the dialogue was good and the end was a surprise. It made me smile. Once you know the secret, hints jump out of characters words.

Suggestions: Nothing jumped out a me.

My Favourite Part:

The boys entered the hidden circle and checking once over their shoulders to make sure they were alone, they unzipped and peed. A steady stream of urine washed its way through the dry soil and leaves. Once done they ran back out in to the park.

All in all this was well done.
Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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82
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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Hello: CCD, I am reviewing your story, Suburbs Turned Him Orange.

What I Liked:I thought this piece was quite good. At some points I think the imagery is brilliant. But there are some issues.

Suggestions: I do not profess to be an expert, but I would recommend that you review the use of commas. For example: In the second line you do not need a comma before the word 'but'. There are other similar examples throughout.

If you are interested there are MANY offerings regarding the use of commas on WDC.

Issue: Where there had once been light blue circles, full of light, were two colorless pools of pond scum.

Suggestion: The use of the word light twice here is off-putting, consider something like:

Where there had once been cornflower blue circles, full of light, there were two colourless pools of pond scum. (However, is pond scum colourless?)

Issue: Jet-lag, I guess.", said Charlie
Suggestion: Jet-lag I guess." said Charlie.

Issue: He took a hold of his cup, spun around, and took a step.

Suggestion: Saying 'a hold' sounds like slang, consider:
He took hold of his cup or He took hold of the cup handle etc.

Issue: The ... (dots) after, It's such a shame when something so pleasant has to turn into an eye-sore, but that's life I guess.

Issue: Are the ellipsis supposed to separate or give pause? If so I didn't find it worked and it looked like an error. Consider using more ... and centering or use something bigger like: <><><><><> or < * > < * > < * > or some characters other than ....

Issue: Consider more spaces in your formatting as portions of the story are so closely spaced especially in the middle to the end they are difficult to read on-line.

There are formatting issues here:

When I got to school, the boys were waiting for me outside the back entrance. "What took you so long, man?" Charlie asked. "Jackson couldn't drive me to school," I replied. "What happened? He had somewhere to be?" yelled Declan. I tired to force a grin but couldn't.


Suggestion:

When I got to school, the boys were waiting for me outside the back entrance.

"What took you so long, man?" Charlie asked.

"Jackson couldn't drive me to school," I replied.

"What happened? He had somewhere to be?" yelled Declan.

I tired to force a grin but couldn't.

My only other thoughts really throughout the in-home scenes were, where are the parents? Are they never home? It just seemed odd.

My Favourite Part:

Mrs. Love was chiseling away at my youth with a lecture on civil engineering. Excellently turned phrase very well done.

And another brilliant bit:

When it snows, God whispers, and the world stops in its tracks to hear what He has to say. The only problem is that God's voice carries at a frequency too high for us to hear. He discloses the secrets of salvation, but we can't even hear them. Instead of learning what God has to say, we are rewarded with an eerie silence. When it snows, my soul's thirst for knowledge and stimulation fades away.


All in all a good story with some very well written and vivid imagery.

Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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Review of Mary-Ann  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hello: Sing Me A Story, I am reviewing your piece: Mary-Ann

What I Thought: Good story about a girl in the mirror. This not a new idea but yours was more interesting than they normally are.

Suggestions:There are a few issues in this piece.

Issue: the '#' which appears just after the end of the opening where you introduce the characters who are on their way to a wedding. Why is the '#' there? It looks like a typing error. If it is supposed show separation, I'm afraid it doesn't work, consider a different method such as several characters centred.

Issue: Well whatever you decide to do, make it quick. Chase is going to be here #in like, twenty minutes,” Andreas said as she leaned close to the mirror and began to put on her foundation.

Correction: Andreas s/b Andrea

Issue: I had to go back and re-read this section because suddenly there was someone named Scott mentioned who had not been mentioned at all before. It's rather glaring:

Nah,” Scott countered, “this house has been standing since before we were born, since before our grand-parents were born, probably.”

*Who is Scott? Where did he suddenly appear from?

Issue: the word 'ahold'.

My arms shot out in an attempt to catch ahold of something, anything.

There is still a debate about the word ahold. My personal suggestion would be to use hold instead. Ahold sounds like slang to me, though I do realize you can find it in some dictionaries.

My arms shot out in an attempt to catch hold of something, anything.

My Favourite Part:
I thought the climax and ending were well done. The feelings and description of what happened when Mary-Ann 'came out' were written with passion and great description. You painted a great picture.

Keep on Writing!

All the best,

simply


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Review of Running  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello:cursorblock!



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*Running




*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Fast paced, and interesting and suspense filled just as promised.



*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* Only thing that really didn't feel right to me was this:

She kept the silencer barrel of the gun locked on him.

To shoot someone the barrel has to be pointed at them so this feels weird to me. I think I'd say something like:

She kept the silenced gun locked on him.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* He heard the whisper as their eyes met. A sound not unlike a quick burst of wind in the face. He fell back to the ground and felt the warmth engulf his chest. His hand dropped the knife and searched for the reason for the heat. He brought it back up to his face, a crimson red.



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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
HI RedCat.

I am here as promised after reading chapters 1 and 2 of Beginnings.

What a difference!

Okay, this was good. Full of feelings and descriptions. I like cats though I'm not as icky with it as these people are but that's okay. To each his own.

Anyway, this I WANTED to read because you made me understand the characters and feel for them. Even the Being that had no physical description was interesting because of the information you gave me about it. I liked Brenda and Chuck because of how you describe them and their life.

I WANT them to be happy and lucky. I was sort of hoping you'd tell them they decided to have kids or something like that, but that's okay. My wanting that proves that your story was effective. It made me care about these characters.

Good stuff.

All the best! Keep on writing, RedCat.

simply
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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello:RedCat



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*Beginnings: Chapter 2




*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Again, I think the scientific information is very good.

*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* The characters are very secondary to the information I feel. There is little to hold my interest. I'm sorry, but this feels like a report rather than a story.

The chapter feels rushed, there is little happening between characters other than Red mentions he's getting laid often with a variety of partners and is hoping for more bar fights. Nothing really about he feels for the work he's doing or other people working there with him.

I feel like I'm reading a storyboard or outline not a novel. For instance we are told they are in an old castle with armed guards and Red is talking to Lord Loftman. Where? In the hall? Sitting over a brandy? Is the room clinical, filled with equipment or leather furniture? There is nothing here to hold my interest really or make me like the characters.

Again, I am not trying to be harsh, I can only tell you how I feel when I read this chapter.

I think your idea is good as is the information, but a novel has to be much more than that.

Keep working on this. I am going to visit your port and see what other work you have there.




All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: RedCat



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*Beginnings: Chapter 1


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp*I like the premise for this story and you obviously either know a lot about this stuff or have done your research.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* This first part felt a little flat. You tell me a lot of stuff, but there is no feeling. I feel nothing for any of the characters really.

My suggestion would to show things, make the world of these characters more alive and real. For example how did the bedroom smell after a night of sex. No regrets AT ALL for leaving a warm bed and a great lover? None?

How about the diner, was it loud with other customers and dishes clanking? Did it smell great when Red and Easton opened the door, how did the food smell? Did Easton drip some yolk down his shirt?

Consider interrupting the long info filled talking with a pause, while Red swallowed some toast or cough when he was told the purpose of Easton's visit.

Bring the surroundings alive to make it feel real.

Didn't Red feel a bit let down when he'd discovered that Gretchen was gone?



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*

I liked this part:

Easton reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver device about the size of a cigarette lighter. He twisted a ring near one end and it started to make a soft hissing sound. He placed the hissing device on the table between them.

It felt real to me and made me understand that Easton wasn't just around to say hi! Something important was going to happen. This was really well done.

All the best,*Bird*

I hope I don't sound too harsh. I do like all the information, but you just need to step back from the great technical info and provide some background 'noise' to make it real and to make the reader care about these guys.

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Leaf2o* Hello: Danny's daughter!

*Vine1* *Trees* I am reviewing your story: Fallon and Mika: Princess Knights

*RainbowL**RainbowR* What I Thought:What a get imagination. You're very good at telling a story. It had two brave heroines who were very smart, kind and also wise. They were smart because worked together to stop the dragon, kind because they didn't kill him and wise because they let the dragon work to help their kingdom.

Your story was right because it had a beginning, middle and end. You told us about the princesses and there was a great climax as they fought the dragon and a very good surprise at the end. Not too many people would let the dragon live and then allow him to come to help them later on.

Danny there is one small error: He said he would not longer fight ...

Not should be no.

*Ribbon* All in all, a very entertaining story.

Thank you for sharing it. I hope you keep on telling stories, Danny's daughter!

All the best,
*Vignette3* simply_(missed most of 2013)

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Review of Moving On  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello: Squeak - This is a WDC Anniversary Review!

What I Thought:

I'm reviewing your story, Moving On.

Lovely sad, yet hopeful story of the end of one life and the continuation of the family.

This made me feel good, it was so nice to read such a hopeful piece about a loving family.

The only issue I had with this was the segue from watching the cat outside to the remembrance of seeing her husband with his dying grandfather. It was pretty abrupt, I wonder if there was some what to make it a smoother more natural transition.

Othewise I have no issue with this well written and thoughtful piece.


All the best

*LeafR* simply

FOR


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Review of The Dance Of Dis  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Angus.

Well you're a poet and I didn't know it. Okay sorry, that was a desperate attempt for attention or something.

Anyway, how cute was this one. Hope you don't mind cute. It was charming then? Well whatever I liked it. It was fun to read, entertaining and it rhymed in the the right places. I've not heard of Dis either, dis or dat!!

Sorry again, seriously this was a fun and very good.

Simply
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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Lesley Scott



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight* Save Fuel Ride A Mule! Good title, and a good idea!


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* I read because of the title and the fact that I like mules. I think they are great animals. Your piece is full of excellent stories and anecdotes and as well as facts about mules. It's really a shame we can't see a picture of Top Hat!

*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* Just found a few little things to think about changing/correcting:

Not sure this needs to in bold, I kept asking why it was: American Donkey and Mule Society. There should be capitals of course.

This phrase is used twice in the first paragraph, it is quite noticeable, I would consider changing one of them: We had our work cut out for us

I know what you want to say here, but this doesn't quite make sense: Mules can do amazing feats of very few, if any, animals.
Consider: Mules can do amazing feats that very few, if any other animals can.

The following paragraph is a bit confusing. You are discussing belling and then suddenly talking about the variety of mules. You may want to expand a bit on each subject and make 2 paragraphs. I was rather confused about it taking 24 mules to make one. Perhaps explain that a bit more.

Belling is also a popular part of grooming your mule for the show. Top Hat had three bells and he looked so good! Some mules sported one bell, some had none and some trimmed the mule’s tail straight across the bottom like a hunter-jumper. We have such a wide variety of mules! Since we have so many different mares and different breeds of jacks, one never knows what they will produce. It took us 24 mares to make Top Hat!

This paragraph start very abruptly after the above. Perhaps think of a way to change the direction from your own mule to stories about mules:

Donkeys and mules are sure footed. They know exactly which foot is where, unlike a horse that tends to stumble on occasion. The cup of their narrow hooves of a mule is deep, so they can handle rough terrain. A story telling about a mule that saved his owner’s life is true.

Suggestion: There are so many stories about how mules have helped or saved their owner's lives. You may not know that donkeys and mules are extremely sure-footed. They know ...

Changing this a little will help soften up the change of direction you are taking the reader in.

Just a punctuation correction needed:
“It could have been you both, “said the mule man,
Should be: "It could have been you both," said the mule man.

This paragraph was also a bit confusing, I'd add more info and break into two paragraphs. One about the cowboy and then one about what animals make the best mules.

On the way down to the bottom of the canyon, the cowboy said he would breed mules out of his mares. He now looked at his registered mares as breeding stock to make more mules. Since they were Quarter Horses, quiet and calm, they would make the best mules. The worst are Saddlebreds or Arabs. They are just too hot for a good mule. Therefore, another mule lover sees the mule for what he really is: A companion and an animal with good sense. After he looked at the mule, he decided that mules are quite handsome.

Sheep and goat herders appreciate the good quality of donkeys.
Do donkeys only have one quality or do the herder appreciate the good qualities of donkeys? Consider changing this sentence to:
Sheep and goat herders appreciate the good qualities of donkeys.

That is why when you flatter a mule, it really has to be sincere. I just changed the last line a little, consider changing as it is the final line and it relates to something previously read.



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*
Therefore, we had about twenty or more people standing in line to kiss a donkey! She loved every bit of the attention. Donkeys, as well as mules, love attention and sincere flattery. It has to be sincere. They both know the difference.

I just see that happening.

All in all a good and interesting piece about an important animal.


{image:1928851
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Review of Untitled 7  
Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello elizjohn!

I'm reviewing your story, Untitled 7 ... it does deserve a title. I offer a suggestion : Life Lost or Lost Lives.

Anyway, the story is first rate. Frankly as I read I was thinking, oh here we go, another 'we split up, but we'll get back together again and live happily ever after story'. Not that I wanted to stop reading, the story and character of Desmond are both compelling, but boy was I wrong. And happily so!

This may sound odd, but as I read this, the picture in my mind was as if it was gauze covered, it looked like a dream. His life with Rose was perfect. But the gauze slowly disappeared when Natalie arrives to help. Little by little you let Desmond's reality come through. The realization to the reader is a shock.

All in all, a great story, with excellent characters, told very sympathetically.

Great job!


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Review of Off Character  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello D. Alexander!

I am reviewing your story, Off Character.

In my mind's eye I can see the author in this piece surrounded by screwed up balls of paper, if he didn't have a computer, that is.

Great piece, very funny and too often true. Most writers can seem themselves in this piece. I certainly could, though I've never gone looking for rabbits.

There were a few niggles, such as saying, That won't work too often but I shouldn't think you'd have a problem saying 'nope' another way.

Here: This is a health conscience world now days (nowadays).

Here: I would most definitely loose (lose) all my readers if

And the ending was terrific. Bland and politically correct.

All in all a funny and well written piece of work!

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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Angus.

What can I say? Alias 'Colt' Dawson was another excellent piece of writing. Your writing just, as I know I've said before, just carries people along.

This seems a bit of a departure again, from your usual creepy horror-y stuff. But it works very very well.

In my head I felt surrounded by the townsfolk. Saw the dust and the buildings, the gallows in front of Colt. The descriptions and details were great and you bring the reader into the story. Like they are grabbed by the collar and pulled into the tv set.

You brought Colt to life and made him real. I wanted him to be rescued and have another chance to defend himself and hopefully live his life.

Angus, I can only say again, you're a great writer, love your work and I hope you decide to write a novel. I'll be first in line when your book tour comes to Toronto.

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Review of God's Telephone  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello:

I am reviewing your story, God's Telephone.

Frankly, there isn't much to say in the face of perfection. The story, the characters and the feelings in this were truly beautiful to read. It felt very real, the characters were human, funny and charming, sad and inconsolable - in other words they were believable.

While I'm not a believer, I am on the fence as to whether some of us are visited when someone dies - the deceased coming to say their final good-bye.

I am so glad I decided to read this wonderful story. Congratulations. You should be very proud.

All the best,

simply

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Review of IMPORTANT!  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Angus!

It's meeeee!!

Okay, well I thought it was about time I walked over to see what's new here in your place. Well new to me, in any case.

Not being the brightest tool in the shed or the sharpest bulb around, I had to read this twice to get it. Believe me, it's ME not YOU. Duh.

However now that I do get it, I have to say, this tidbit deserved to win. Congratulations. Your stories appear to be deceptively simple, yet in reality they are complex and very interesting. My friend, you're simply brilliant at what you do.

Thanks for all the great stories and entertainment.

All the best,

simply

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Review of Monsters  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sanita! Welcome to WDC - hope you enjoy it.

I'm commenting on your poem, Monsters.

Frankly I really enjoyed it. It was so clever and cute, it made me smile.

I only saw one issue in the last line, I think you were referring to cocoa when you wrote:

Give them coa coa, tuck them up. and knock them on the head.

All in all, this was such fun to read. Thank you. I sent you 250 points, to get you started.

Feel free to send a note if you have any questions!

All the best,

simply2012

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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello April Desiree!

I'm reviewing your story, Drawing Down the Moon. Good title, I thought.

I enjoyed this snapshot and found that most of it worked for me, though after reading I wasn't sure where the moon came into it. I know it's hard with the limited word count of flash fic.

There were a couple of things that didn't quite work though:

As she had been on the run with the young coven hot on her trail, she wasn’t sure she’d have enough time.
I had to read this a couple of times to get it - what is a young coven?

Suggestion: As she fled the members of her coven, who were hot on her trail, Iris wasn't sure she'd have enough time.

Turning to the ravens, I felt that the the word cawed is over used. How about squawked, maybe when the feather is pulled out? Also, that sentence doesn't make sense, as I'm not really sure who is doing the plucking.

Plucking a delicate feather from Rowan’s smooth body, Rowan cawed louder than usual.

Suggestion: Iris plucked a delicate feather from the smooth body; Rowan squawked in protest.

I know that you have a word limit but this just jumped out at me:

With the rope around her waist and the rosewater on the altar,

Where did the alter come from? What is it? Not sure if you have extra room, but you could try 'makeshift' alter.

Anyway, I did enjoy this short piece. I had pictures of a black sky, bright moon, swirling clouds, the circling ravens and parking lot with scattered debris, the young witch with cherry red hair. The end filled with hot steam smelling of sulfur rising as a gate opens. Really great visuals.

Well done. I wish you luck with this piece.

All the best,

simply
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Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi DC_Darling!

I'm reviewing your story, Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. I like the title by the way.

I like this piece. It felt right to me. I liked the way you chose to write it. To me it seemed like each sentence was slap or stab, like Lucky was ramming his points home in anger. It wouldn't have worked if you had not written it in first person, in my opinion anyway. But as I always, I have issues with first person, when the writer dies at the end. How does a dead person write?

I think the characters were well done and they felt real to me. Just like I think they would be.

Thanks for a great read.

All the best,
simply
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Review of To Love A Monster  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Tiana Gulapa:

I am reviewing your story, To Love A Monster.

I enjoyed your story very much. It was different - a monster romance.

I liked your Author's note as well. The information was very interesting.

Your characters were realistic and well fleshed out. I could see the pictures you painted with your words.

I'm not sure about the formatting of this piece, it seemed a little strange because in many places a new sentence was started on the next line. There were not too many proper paragraphs. It's only a formatting issue which can be easily fixed. Like this example below. It's not really clear who is speaking on the second line:

They are all my favorites.” She said, holding his hand.
“But you are the one I love.” And with that, she quickly stole a kiss on Paulo's lips.

It would have flowed better this way:

They are all my favorites.” She said, holding his hand. “But you are the one I love.” And with that, she quickly stole a kiss on Paulo's lips.

I noticed this little thing also:
My mother was very much like me except she can take the form of butterflies.

This should be, My mother was very much like me except she could take the form of butterflies.

All in all, Tiana, I thought this was a very good tale, interesting and different and a sweet romance also.

Keep on writing.

All the best,

simply

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