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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Family  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:Family

*Vignette6* What I liked: Nice family story about a cousin looking after his two younger cousins since the death of their parents.

This piece was good. I liked the opening paragraph, I thought it was interesting and a good hook.

I thought you did a good job with the dialogue and descriptions.

I do think you did a fine job with Tanner's feelings toward the kids and his role in their lives. Perhaps tell us more about Tanner and what made him want to take on this role.


*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I did find it odd that a single male cousin was the guardian. Though I guess it could happen. It might help if you provide some details around that and indicate how old Tanner is. It just felt a little weird.



“How the hell am I supposed to know?” said Hunter dumping his backpack onto the floor *Left* Period needed here and also on:

What?” asked Hunter, as if he didn't know what the problem was

“This isn't over, Hunter,” Tanner said, grabbing his jacket and putting it on

Not so sure about referring to Hudson as a baby. At five he's a child, not longer a baby or a toddler.


All in all a good read. Thanks for sharing!

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
52
52
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Thief in the Night

*Vignette6* What I liked:

This was certainly different and original. I sort of liked the idea of a friendly hungry thief.

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: The biggest issue I have with this is that it is overly long and repetitive. I think you only need the first family and the last one. Otherwise it really is the same scene again and again.

The opening was pretty good:

Under the cover of darkness a tall lanky man with long brown hair tied back with a bandanna moved stealthily around the house looking for an open window or door to gain access through. He finally found an unlocked window and quietly crept through it. He silently climbed up the stairs and gazed upon the soundly sleeping couple. He then entered the other bedroom and the young girl in it was also dead to the world so he went back down the stairs and into the kitchen. He looked through the refrigerator and made a sandwich and ate all of it except a couple of bites which he left sitting on the counter while he quietly stole out of the house.

It could be tightened up somewhat. Here's an example:

The tall lanky man moved stealthily around the house looking for an entry point. Finding an open window he crept through it. Locating the stairs he climbed them silently and gazed upon the soundly sleeping homeowners and then moved to wach their young daughter, in her room. Satisfied he went down to the kitchen and rummaged through the refrigerator. He made a sandwich and devoured all but two bites. The leftovers sat on the counter while the stranger quietly escaped the house.

Consider editing to keep interest in your story. Read aloud to hear where changes can be made and EDIT!!

Keep on writing!!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
53
53
Review of Who are they?  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Who are they?(should be in capitals as it's a title)

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: This is the meeting of two old friends who like to work together profiling criminals now and again.

Nice but could be improved with editing and tightening of sentences.

For example this part:

Sitting in the coffee shop Mandy gazes out the window. The day is bright with the sun as she sips her tepid coffee. She was waiting on a friend, he had asked her to meet. He said he was missing her smile. "How cute", she had thought. Brian had been her friend for thirty plus years. They had met in college, both studying criminology. Mandy had gone on to research, she was fascinated by the mind of criminal behavior. Brian was attracted to being out on the street, he chose law enforcement.

I have redone it as an example:

Sitting in the coffee shop Mandy gazes out the window. She squints in the sun as she sips her tepid coffee. She's waiting for a friend, he said he was missing her smile.

"How sweet," she'd thought. Brian had been a friend for thirty years. They had met in college, both studying criminology. Mandy had gone into research, fascinated by the whys of the mind and criminal behavior. Brian, chose law enforcement, attracted to being on the street, and working with the public.

(When I say Mandy squinted in the sun, that SHOWS the reader it's a bright day, it means something to the reader, rather than telling them it was a bright day.)

I think you need to go through this and edit it, correct the dialogue, punctuation and chop out unnecessary words.

Keep up the great work and don't stop writing!!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
54
54
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Becoming Chapter 1

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I think this has potential, but to be honest I found this a bit confusing and jumbled.

There were too many characters introduced and while I see they are all related it was just too much.

I don't understand the first few sentences and how they relate to the story at all. The read doesn't know where they are, what is this room?

We jump from Edith and her dead parents to Helen and then Helen's sister and Helen's soap making. Which of these people is the main character? We do not know because again there is too much and too little information at the same time.

The opening line didn't do much to hook me into wanting to read more:

The sound of the summer wind, bird’s chirping. The room was a satin blue, filled with flowers. Two of the most important flowers have withered. The oak had carvings of angles holding hearts.

I'm not sure if you want the reader to be confused but none of it relates to anything else on the page.

And then the final paragraphs talk about Jennifer and James who get married.

This piece sounds like an outline rather than a story. I would consider re-reading and editing. Then go through and add more about your characters and how they relate to each other.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg

55
55
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your poem: A Challenge To Fate

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:I'm not a big poetry buff but I've read a few things of yours in the past including a couple of limericks, so I thought I'd give this a boo!

I was not disappointed. Frankly it felt to me like something I'd find in a book of poetry. If you don't have one out yet perhaps you should write one!

Great title to start with. Your choice and use of words was just terrific.

*Vignette6* What I liked:I liked that this poem is about hope and making the choice to enjoy life. To look for the joy in things rather than to sadness and despair.

I truly loved this:

How can it be we hear the voice
Of pain, depression, doom and dread?
Can we not then make the choice
Of hope and joy and love instead?

and this:

A last request to salve my heart
To keep despair and dread at bay
That love and friendship bear a part
And hold me safe that final day

So when it’s time for me to go
To where no man can show the way.
No matter if I can but know
That with true friends my heart will stay.


To be honest, this poem meant a lot to me. I think I'd like to put it on my wall! It's very powerful and meaningful.

Thanks for sharing!



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
56
56
Review of Sculpture  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Sculpture

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:Interesting and well written tale of a man obsessed with a woman he loved and desired.

I thought this was rather creepy and a little unnerving. The ultimate if I can't have her, either can you, story where this artist remakes this woman over and over in paint and clay, but it's just never right or good enough.

There was only one thing that jumped out at me. It was the repetition of the word barely. I think I know what you were going for here:

Jonathan barely saw the light, barely saw the day dawn, barely saw anything but the clay under his hands and ...

Consider: Jonathan barely saw the light or the day dawn, there was only her and the clay under his hands and ...

*Vignette6* What I liked: This line was excellent. It was perfect actually, full of meaning and brought home the message that Elsa wanted nothing else to do with Jonathan:

Still, she was a rock, and he the ocean that kept breaking against her.

The last paragraph as well was very good and you could feel Jonathan's madness and desperation!

Great job!

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
57
57
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Deadly Doors (revised)


*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked the opening paragraph. Immediately we know there's something wrong, someone running and in bare feet. Means the runner was scared enough to not put on shoes, or he's escaping or something scary anyway.


*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:

The biggest issue with this piece is that is too wordy. Often if you cut out words, the story is tighter and scarier, there is more tension.

In the first paragraph you say: My bare feet pounded against the wet dirt, and repeatedly I would trip over stray twigs and branches. Over time, my feet were beginning to feel bruised and blood began dripping along my toes.

Consider something like this: My bare feet pounded against the wet dirt. I tripped over branches and undergrowth bloodying my bruised feet.

Don't tell your readers everything, let their minds see things. You could do that well here:

I told myself not to look and yet I turned like a fool. The beast was there, its paws thrashing the wet soil, its bloodshot eyes locked on me. The hunger was in its eyes, his desire for my flesh and bones. To feast upon my skin.

Consider: I told myself not to look, yet like a fool ... and the beast was there. Paws thrashed the wet ground, bloodshot eyes locked on, I could see the hunger, the desire for my flesh and bones.

(The ellipses - the three dots - give a small pause and then the beast is there, it gives the reader a little scare. Which is the point, right?)

To aid in tightening up stories, read it out loud and edit, cut things out, don't over describe. Remember to talk about colours, and smells as they help to show your story to the reader. Smells, and taste all help the reader feel like they are part of the action.

I think you're a good writer. Keep on reading and writing and try different things to improve your skills.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
58
58
Review of Ghetto Life  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Ghetto Life

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I thought your story was interesting. I wondered why this young man thought he represented all of his race. Personally I hate grouping people by race, I'm more into good, okay and bad people. I don't care what race they come from.

But I digress, I thought your narrator's thoughts about what 'black' means was quite thought provoking. You're correct of course that 'black' people come in a number of 'different shades of black'. I truly don't understand why it matters.

Trust me, being white doesn't mean you'll have a father, but you may be correct saying there would be a higher chance that you would.

I like the part about Daloon helping the police officer because it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing and the police should have thanked him.

I hope Daloon, if you write about him again, doesn't let this stop him from doing the right thing. Though it might be hard considering where he lives, he CAN get out and do some good with his life. He can be successful if he truly wants to be.

*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked your voice in this and think that you should keep on writing. You'll only get better and better!




*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg

59
59
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: A Slight Case of Mistaken Identity

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:

Issue, 2 ING words together never work (shivers): I was just finishing setting the table for dinner when there was a knock on the door.

Consider: I was just setting the dinner table when ...

Issue, I'd make this a single sentence,it just felt awkward: I blinked. Then smiled apologetically.

Consider:I blinked and smiled apologetically, “Er. Ah. No. You have the wrong residence,” I started to close the door, but the stranger held out his hand to touch the door it lightly, and that was enough to stay my own hasty hand. “I’m sorry, but you really have the wrong residence, sir. And truthfully, there’s no one by that name within a square mile of this Hawthorne Street.”


Issue, too wordy: }He came out of the library with a mildly annoyed but resigned look on his face, THAT WAS IMMEDIATELY REPLACED BY only for that look to disappear in the biggest smile I’d ever seen him wear.


*Vignette6* What I liked: I have read a little steampunk and this rather felt like that did. Your piece had the odd formality I've seen in the pieces I've read before - sort of old fashioned and proper. But missing from this was STEAM and machines. I note you did mention airships though.

In closing I think it's a good story and could be a great and interesting adventure. I hope your plan is to continue writing it.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
60
60
Review of The Burning  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: E Pluribus Unum


*Vignette6* What I liked: There was lots to like in this piece. The voice of the character came through, his fear, anger, love all of that worked well. I think as well you did a good job with the after effects of war, what it can do to the mind and spirit of people who see it up close.

There are however, things I didn't like about this piece at all. Those things made this piece feel like it was written by an inexperienced author who couldn't come up with anything better than repeating the same sentence over and over and over again.

The phrase, I'm not going to die, is repeated 15.5 times (I think the count is correct but it may be off).
It was just too much and after the first 4 times using it lost its effectiveness. And it was effective at first.

You do the same with BAD THOUGHTS and Kill Her ... not as often but too often. I understand what you are attempting to do but it just did not work for me.

In between that are some brilliant pieces of writing and insight into this man's tortured mind and his short period of recovery.


In closing this review, I hope that I haven't been too harsh. I did like most of this piece very much and you did a wonderful job with it.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
61
61
Review of The Photo  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Photo

*Vignette6* What I liked: This is a sweet story of remembrance and friendship recalled and realized through the review of old photographs.

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: To be honest and I hope that's what you are looking for, I found the first part of this story overlong and somewhat repetitive. There was just too much about picking up and handling the photos. I mean to the point that I almost didn't bother to finish reading this piece which would have been a shame.

Personally, I would recommend that you redo the second to fourth paragraphs. There is much that can be removed which would make the story more interesting. Try not to describe things that would be assumed or just don't matter.

I noticed a few things as I read:

1. Maybe she thought it was a good way to try to escape from the permeating melancholy that invaded her life recently by the moving out of her ex live-in boyfriend.

This sentence is very awkward. Consider:

Maybe she thought it was a good way to try to escape from the permeating melancholy that HAD invaded her life recently by the moving out of SINCE her ex live-in boyfriend moved out.

2. It was over and done, she thought, as she hefted the box up, carried it out of the closet, and set it on her old worktable in the extra room.

Consider using quotations marks and italics for character's thoughts. Also there is too much description here:

"It was over and done," she thought. She hefted the box and carried it out of the closet to her old worktable in the extra room.

Try reading the story aloud this makes is easier to remove the unnecessary.


In closing this review, I have to say that there is much I liked about this story. I thought it something we all go through at some point - letting a friendship slide away. Though most of us don't take the time to rekindle it. Perhaps this story will remind some to just go for it, life is too short not too.

Keep on writing and sharing your work!



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
62
62
Review of One Last Ride  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: One Last Ride

*Vignette6* What I liked:


I enjoyed reading this story. I especially enjoyed the descriptions of Sally as she stood in front her picture window. You set the scene and really painted a mental picture with your description of Pikes Peak. It brought back memories of my visit there! The little bit of history was a nice touch too! It fit in perfectly.

This worked so well, the whole piece flowed so well and the memories were very well done I felt very close to this.

Did you act this out yourself, because Sally’s procrastination was perfect. I mean who hasn’t done the, 'can I put this off until tomorrow' thing?

There were a couple of little issues that I ran across which I will show you below:

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:

She tied the horse out of site – site should be sight

She was about to cross when, one of the cars stopped.
She was about to cross when another car came along. (You used this phrase twice in three sentences, consider re-wording it as it is a little off-putting, I thought I’d made a mistake as to where I was and had to re-read.)

“Didn’t you used to ride horses,” John said? (The question mark is in the incorrect place here.)

“Thanks, John. I’ll take you up on that” she said as she turned toward her house. (punctuation missing after ‘that’)


Again a wonderful short story! I enjoyed reading it.

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
63
63
Review of The Food Chain  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Food Chain

*Vignette6* What I liked: I thought this was a good idea, original and interesting. I liked what I read, the ideas were good as was most of the dialogue.


*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: There were some issues throughout which I'll share with you in this part of the review. My biggest issue though is how this ended. Suddenly the clones are there one day and gone the next. Having them just disappear with no explanation was disappointing. Some type of explanation would be good, say you found some dead clones, perhaps they weren't as strong as 'normal humans' and they died off. Maybe a doctor amongst the survivors could examine one and offer a theory.

Here are a few things I noticed:

Issue: I live in the community of preyed. The world is now run by predators.

Consider: Preyed is a verb, so how about this: I live in a community of prey; the rest of the world is run by predators.

Issue: Night’s the only time we can be outside. The predators can’t see in the dark. (make into one sentence)

Consider: Night's the only time we can be outside; the predators can't see in the dark.

Issue: You’d think the bozos who invented this would’ve thought that through. Because of that oversight, there’s some time when we’re not hunted.

Consider: You'd think the bozos who invented this would've though that through. Because of that oversight there are times when we're not hunted.

Issue: We’re back in the Stone Age. We’re back to Stone Age living but with Computer Age workers. (repetitive)

Consider: We're back in the Stone Age but with Computer Age cavemen. Or We're back in the Stone Age but the cavemen are Computer Age.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
64
64
Review of The Elevator  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Stuart, I'm back for my read of this great story after you did some major editing. I have to say the story is tighened up and there is more tension as well. I found it flowed better and I think introducing the characters somewhat earlier was helpful. I re-rated this to a 4.5.

I found myself reading faster hoping to found out what's at the bottom of the shaft even though I know the story already. So whatever you did worked for me.

My only issue is the formatting. It would be easier to read if the large blocks of text were divided up a little more. A bit more white space between would just make it easier on the eye that's all.

Beyond that, I didn't see anything that jumped out at me. It's a great story and I hope that you'll be inspired to tell us what's at the bottom and what happens to these brave explorers!

Keep up the great work.

jdenningberg
65
65
Review of I Can See You  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: I Can See You

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I did notice sometimes that some sentences seemed too long and they were a bit awkward. For example:

Dharlene Bernards spent her recess by reading a pocketbook given by her Aunt Hilda for her seventeenth birthday, which is today, sitting in the shade of the apple tree just outside of her school building.

Consider this suggestion:

Dharlene Bernards spent her recess reading a pocketbook given to her by her Aunt Hilda. Today was her seventeenth birthday and she sat in the shade of the apple tree outside her school enjoying her gift.

Try reading your story outloud to hear where sentences can be tightened up.

*Vignette6* What I liked: This story is good. I thought you did a good job making Dharlene feel like a real person and all of the dialogue had a realistic feel. I liked the birthday scene and again the dialogue between parents and child was well done.

I feel sorry for the poor girl being haunted so quickly after killing that poor man. That was scary but I thought maybe you should have spent more time on that. The haunting section so short. If you make it a little more drawn out it would help to build up the tension. You could have the parents notice she's upset, have the haunting start slowly and build up to make things scarier and tense.

All in all, this was good but you an improve by editing it and tightening it up. Good job and a good idea. Keep on writing and sharing your stories with us!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
66
66
Review of Mister Goat  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:Mister Goat

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions:Story about an odd set of parents with an odd child. Bradley lives a lonely life and befriends a goat. Still it is interesting and there are moments of brilliance in it.

I had issues with the parents, they seemed too weird to be real, though who can tell for sure. I think Bradley could be alone often without the parents having to be almost cruel to the kid.

The beginning of this felt rushed and while you tell us a lot, not much is shown and it's hard to feel for Bradley really. Expand the beginning and show us how Bradley really feels. He just seems to take it, while later you tell us the returned Mr. Goat is Bradley's anger and hate and resentment. It's hard to believe because you haven't made Bradley that whole real person to the reader.


aunt Margery s/b Aunt Margery

He lived in the outskirts s/b on the outskirts

His previous owner had to move from town, and left all of the farm animals in the care of the Harrisons. (This doesn't make much sense, should it be the previous owner had to move TO town?)

I don't understand the reference to Mister Goat being for a private purpose. If it doesn't mean anything or there's no other reference to it in the story, why put it in?

old automobile pulled up to the house and out steps an elderly looking woman. (steps s/b stepped)

Why does the little league guys think Bradley is a freak. You need to make Bradley more real, three dimensional, so we understand why they feel like that.

Its head was dawned with jewelry, (dawned means it came to me. I think you mean donned, to don means to put on)

You don’t to kill me again, do you?” (not sure if you want to say, You don't want to kill me again or You don't want me to kill again)

The hellbeast almost smiled through its rotting face (nice this one, but period needed)

Bradly demanded trough the sobs. “Stop it aunty! (trough s/b through and aunty s/b Auntie)

he creature’s decapitated head chocked out (chocked s/b choked)

and spoke softly through his tears (just needs a period)



*Vignette6* What I liked: I really liked some of your descriptions and the scary stuff was rather scary, especially the third last paragraph!! More fear from Bradley and maybe some sounds from Aunt Margery before the goat kills her might help the tension.

All in all, this was good! Keep on writing, just remember to edit, edit, edit and then edit again before posting!!

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
67
67
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:Monster chapter 2

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Well it's obviously not finished but this does have potential. I think you need to do a bit more editing before you post, another technique is to read the whole thing out-loud so you can hear where there could be improvements made.

There are a few issues with this piece. I've tried to point out a number of them for your reference:

The opening paragraph used the word beep a few times too many. As well, how can a noise appear? You cannot see a noise.

I think that you just need to re-work some of your sentences to make them flow better and tighten them up.

Here is a suggestion:

A beeping sound roused my foggy brain. The sound continued until, irritated, I slowly opened my eyes. The room was dark but rays of sunlight found their way through the thick curtains.

Same with the second paragraph:

The light brought memories back, my parents dead bodies, Elena stabbed and Ryan shot. I hoped it was all a nightmare but if it was did that mean that I'd only dreamt that Ryan was a friend, that he wasn't real? If he wasn't I would have been glad, I wouldn't give up my family for anything.

There are also issues with use of capitals and quotation marks and dialogue in some places like this:

I could only nod. The doctor held out three fingers, "how many fingers am I holding out?" he asked, "three" I responded.

Consider this instead:

I could only nod. The doctor held up his fingers, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

I squinted, "Three."

"Correct."

Try not to repeat the actions in the dialogue, that will help with showing rather than telling. See red section above for example.

*Vignette6* What I liked: I think this just needs some editing and reworking. The story itself is good!

Keep on working and writing. Thanks for sharing!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
68
68
Review of Phone Service  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Phone Service

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I didn't have an real technical issues with this piece, beyond the formatting. A little too much space between the paragraphs. You can go back and edit this to correct that easily.

Rather than a story, this felt a bit more like a report. I think you could possibly add to the tension if the narrator tried to figure out who it might be that's calling. He doesn't have to know, but some conjecture would add interest to this piece.

Also if you relate how all this was making the narrator feel. Was he upset, afraid, creeped-out, how did it feel?

Expand on his thoughts a bit, for example when he's told to check the mail. Why would he normally have just thrown that piece of mail away? Describe it to us.

Why on the last call was there no static? Any thoughts about that.

Make the narrator into someone, that's why I say this feels like a report, because as a reader, though this interesting, I feel nothing for the narrator.


*Vignette6* What I liked: This is a fun paranormal piece, I found it reminiscent of something from the Twilight Zone. That's no insult, they had some good creepy stuff on there sometimes! Had there been cell phones then, this would have worked!

All in all, I liked this. You have some good ideas. I hope you continue to share your work!!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
69
69
Review of Sweet dreams  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Sweet Dreams (caps please on titles)

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: I chuckled when I read this and I thought, Dreams meet Monsters Inc.

I couldn't find much to quibble about in this story, but the following sentences really didn't work for me:

The Author was unnerved by his presence, fumbling under his gaze. He shook himself up, trying to concentrate. 'Y-Yes. Um, I need a muse. Where's your fantasy department?'

Consider: The Author was unnerved by his presence, fumbling under his gaze. He shook himself up, trying to concentrate. 'Y-Yes. Um, I need a muse. Where's your fantasy department?'

Dexter's eyes went wide, for the first time in his existence - scared. (It feels like something is missing or it is incomplete.)

Consider:

Dexter's eyes went wide, and he was for the first time in his existence - scared.



*Vignette6* What I liked: I thought your story was original, amusing and well written. I think it was a bigger job that you might think getting all the correct terms in there and making sure they all work work together and sound right.

The premise for this piece is well, frankly brilliant. Who would wonder where all our stray thoughts end up, you obviously. Great job.

All in all, a very good story. Thanks for sharing!

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

jdenningberg
70
70
Review of Ducks and Glory  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your script: Ducks and Glory

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: This piece was well written and quite funny. I have never been one for reading scripts (so I'm not an actor!) but decided to give this a go since you promised it was amusing! I wasn't disappointed.

I thought the stage directions were well done. Brief (which is good) but they certainly painted the mental picture required.

Having a mum and husband who are English, I'm not sure about Francis' accent from British sitcoms, maybe by watching BBC news might be more realistic.

I didn't find many issues with this piece. But, I did notice this:

nostalgia...My father was a sculptor. (The ellipses are not done correctly. There should be a space before the ellipses and before the start of the next word. It should look like this:

Mary stopped to think ... but then continued to speak.


*Vignette6* What I liked:I liked the dialogue in this. It felt very real and was quite amusing. The characters personalities were realistic as well. I didn't find myself thinking, oh I don't think that would happen.

Frankly, I'd enjoy seeing this short play. I hope you keep writing and I will visit your port to look at your other work.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell

jdenningberg

71
71
Review of Final entry  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: final entry (Titles really should start with capital letters.)

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: This was a journal entry and was quite good however there are a number of technical errors which can be fixed. Correcting them will make this piece more professional. I'll point some out for you as we go.

Issue spelling: My heart is pounding so loud I fear he the Nazis will here hear it.

Issue spelling: ten Boom should be Ten Boom

Punctuation: They took us in when no one else would . Watch the placement of the period, there should be no space between the final word and the period.

Issue spelling: It was madding. s/b maddening.

Issue spelling: It has been quite for several hours now. quite s/b quiet

Issue spelling: see there smiling there s/b their

Please reformat the spacing in this piece to leave more space between the paragraphs. It just makes it much easier to read online. More people are likely to read things if there are spaces. Just a suggestion.

*Vignette6* What I liked:

Actually there was much I liked about this piece. I especially liked when the narrator tells why he brought his journal and what it does and may have meant if he hadn't. Your voice really shines through in this section.

All in all, this was good. It just needs some re-editing! Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing it with us.

*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
72
72
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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*Books1* A longer item review for the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  May Raid *Books2*



Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: Dragoman Challenge

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Heather I liked the idea of this story you don't find a lot of pure adventure stories, so this was great to see. It does seem to me to be a bit over-written in places like it is trying too hard to make a point or draw a picture.

Here's what I noticed:


Issue:The sun rose an hour ago and the temperature were wasalmostunbearable inside the vicinity of the tent. Moisture formed on the dark green of the fabric, as it seemed to do everywhere in the rainforest.

Why is almost unbearable hyphenated?

The temperature is or was, not were.

Inside the vicinity of the tent? That just doesn't make sense.

What is the dark green of the fabric? It should be just the dark green fabric.


Issue: Having vacated the tent ten minutes earlier, Toby gave Ellie some much sought after privacy. With one big Groggy, Ellie fumbled around and managed to escape her sleeping bag and the blankets on top.

Lack-lustred - is not a word.
Lacklustre is, and means a less than stellar performance, lacking in vitality, humdrum etc. If Ellie is tired or exhausted say that or check a thesaurus for other words. You could also say Ellie felt lacklustre.

Item: When she finally graced Toby with her presence, his eyes that were beneath a furrowed brow pinned her to the spot.

This sentence is very awkward to read. Read it outloud and see what you think. It just needs to rearranged so if flows better. For example:

When she finally graced Toby with her presence his furrowed brow and the look he gave her, pinned her to the spot.

Item:

The constant lack of sleep cast a shadow on her face, an alarming red moundspot stood out on her cheek stood out, her long hairwasmatted and damp from thesweat sticking to her face... Worse, she didn’t dare look down at the sweat patches on her pyjamas she could feel sticking to her skin.

Item: Try to use less of these 'ly' words you don't need them. For example here:

He sounded like a suspicious parent and it made her jump abruptly.

This sounds good without the 'ly' word.

Item:

It wasn’t a pleasant scent and to clear her nose, Ellie inhaled the strong aroma of black coffee to escape/clear it. With only fifteen minutes left until they needed to leave, she gobbled up breakfast with a fervent need.


Item:
In the dense jungle terrain the jeep could easily be totalled by an accident caused myby recklessness.

Question: Imagining behind closed eyelids anything but the monotony of the drive helped pass time. (Would a drive through the jungle really be monotonous? Just a thought.)

Item: He must have terrible muscle aches she assumed watching his biceps relax now ('again' might be better than 'now').

Item: Parting with such information returned her nervousness about the terrible possibilities of what could happen in the dark. (instead of 'returned' why not use reinforced?)


*Vignette6* What I liked:I liked the idea of this story. I have a few questions but I think before I ask them I will have to go back and read the other chapters.

Personally I think you just need to read this outloud and do a bit of editing to help make things flow a bit better.

Thanks so much Heather!!


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*


All the best

simply of House Martell
73
73
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story:A Weight Worth Bearing

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Interesting inspirational short story. Original and different.

While Andrew contemplated the picture in the locket, the jaded side of me wondered if anyone who would steal a locket to sell would actually think this way. Not that this couldn't happen, but it's just something to think about.

This is just a small ommission:

The sounds coughing passengers and cell phone ringtones were drowned out soon after.

Correction: The sounds of coughing ...

I found the use of italics worked well in emphasising Andrew's thoughts.

I liked this description:

The crows feet that bookended her clouded eyes didn't demonstrate anything in particular to him, (I think it's a little awkward though with the two 'ed' words) what about:

The crows feet that were bookends to her clouded eyes ... just a thought.


*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked how you condensed Andrew's world down first to 26 blocks, then to the bus and then to locket itself and how this process affected his thoughts. I liked how he focused more and more on who the woman and her family were and what could have happened to them. This type of thinking made him think more about them and himself.

All in all a good story with a good opening and a nice moral for an ending.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
74
74
Review of The Little Devils  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Little Devils

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Though this piece was good there are a few things you could do to improve this piece.

The first would be to reformat it so there are spaces between the paragraphs. It is helpful when reading online.

Rather than telling the reader things, it makes reading something more interesting if it can be shown rather than the narrator telling us. For example the narrator tells use that Charles has blond hair and brown eyes.

Instead of telling us that show us. Perhaps when Charles gets up he pushes back a stray lock of blond hair, for example.

Another thing you can try is to refer to Charles in other ways instead of using his full name each time. I noticed you did use Charlie but the surname is not always necessary unless the House Master is speaking to him.

Also give the adults names, it just makes them real to the reader. It's more interesting.

Just a little error: tip – toed should be tip-toed.

I would suggest reading your piece out loud and removing excess words. For example here:

What is going on in here?” said the house master, as he entered and switched on the lights and saw feathers all over the wooden floor, “And what’s all this?”

Consider: "What is going on in here?" The house-master switched on the lights. White feathers covered the floor and the boys. "And what is all this?" (you don't need to say he entered, that is understood since he is turning on the lights and talking to the boys.)

This is an interesting article you might find of use:

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1153...


*Vignette6* What I liked: All in all I thought this was a sweet tale of boys in boarding school. It made me smile and I rather like your gentle writing style.

Please keep on writing and developing your style. I think you'll be very good.



*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
75
75
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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Hail and well met! I am reviewing your story: The Social Contract, Chapter 0.5

*Vignette4* Thoughts and Suggestions: Okay when I first started to read this I thought, will I be this annoyed all the way through? Well guess what, I wasn't. Your choppy say-whatever-comes-to-mind style rather put me off at first, but I slowly warmed to your humour and way with words until I was won over completely.

I enjoyed this piece. I think most people who read it will enjoy it and it will take them back to their school days in one way or another.


*Vignette6* What I liked: I liked this insightful part, I found it rather sad that a child thought this way. Perhaps it's modern life:

I continued to watch the girls with a healthy amount of mean amusement, because clearly they still had a lot to learn about the world, but also no small amount of envy, because, well, they still had a lot to learn about the world. Why didn't my friends and I ever do anything fun like that anymore? Yes, we were in the double digits now, but couldn't we occasionally set aside our dignity and build something out of pudding?

All in a good amusing but still poignant piece.


*Fleurdelis* Keep on writing *ExclaimR*

All the best

simply of House Martell
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