*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simply2020/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
631 Public Reviews Given
639 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual, honest, sometimes blunt. If you don't want the truth don't ask me. I do try to be nice, but I will tell you what I think.
I'm good at...
I'll read your story and let you know how it makes me feel. I don't mind spending time providing details of what works or doesn't and provide suggestions for the author's consideration. Grammar is important but I'm not a real stickler. Spelling though, at least use spell check.
Favorite Genres
I'll read many genres if your story grabs me.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, interactives.
I will not review...
I'll read most things. If I don't think I can, I'll let you know.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 ... Next
101
101
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi BennieWeinberg!

I'm reviewing your story I am Drizzle, She is a Hurricane. Great title by the way.

First I'm a fan of the The Walking Dead. So I was motivated to read this piece. I thought that the characters were well done and they felt like they could be real. As well I thought you portrayed Lilly's anger very well. The conversations sounded realistic.

I like the bedroom scene where Ben found the old couple's photograph album. I thought his reaction was normal and you described it very well.

I was very sorry to see that this piece was quite short and unfinished. For that reason I gave 3 stars.

I hope you decide to complete it.

All the best

simply

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


102
102
Review of Power  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Mike Day!

I'm reviewing your story Power, which was offered to my by Random Reviews.

Have to say I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was a perfect 'you'll get your comeuppance one day' story.

All the characters were vivid and well fleshed out, nasty bully Marco, smart and savvy Bill, the timid wife Kate. And the carrots - who turn out to be the star of the show.

They were perfect and so was the end of this piece. Kate, I'm sure, made carrots at least once a day for the monster who was her husband.

Well written and very entertaining.

All the best,

simply 2012

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
103
103
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Robert G. Moons!

I'm reviewing, In The Year of Their Lord

Interesting story. I'm not religious, but I like this type of thing.

Frankly (hope you don't mind frankness) I wasn't too turned on by the first half of this. I didn't find it realistic. What I mean is that the actions and words by the Catt team made me uncomfortable, it was too tv cop or military for me.

Plop them down? Plop? That me chuckle a little. I'm not sure that specialized military groups are plopped anywhere.

That said, my opinion changed when we arrive with our killer inside the church. This was great stuff. It was insightful and well written and interesting. I enjoyed reading this section and wanted to read more about the visitor/killer and the priest.

Though I wanted more, the ending was well done.

Keep on writing.

All the best,

simply2012

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

104
104
Review of Untitled  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello walt!

I am reviewing your untitled introduction. There are some punctuation issues throughout this piece, which have already been explained by another reviewer, so I will not go there.

I hope you understand that I am reviewing the intro, not you or your skill as a writer. I can only provide you with my opinion. This your story and only you can determine what goes into it.

First, as an introduction this didn't grab me. A lawyer in a humble office? If you want your character to be 'every man', I wouldn't make him a lawyer. Not sure his job is important here anyway.

The cat reference, while okay didn't quite work, for me. I understand what you want to portray, though.

Suggestion: He was engrossed in his work, but suddenly stopped, cat-like, listening. Sighing, he sat back to wait for what, or who was coming.

(Sorry, the gum thing didn't work for me either, though I know where you were trying to go with it).

I think you have an interesting idea, but you need to work on grabbing us with the intro so you make us want to turn the page.

If you need help with punctuation and grammar there is a lot of information on writing.com you can just search for it. There is also information on how to improve your writing. Also subscribe to the newsletters as they are full of info each week.

Most important though, don't stop writing. Practice does help us improve.

All the best,

Simply2012

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

105
105
Review of Left or Right  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello J!

I read your story, Right or Left. Perfect title by the way!

This was subtle in its way. The message woven into the rote and rather routine descriptions of this accountants life.

We read about John's life, his marriage to Abby, and his job. His life seems without any passion. It describes many peoples lives sadly. We conform, marry because we think we should, work because we must, life doesn't always mean very much, day-to-day for many of the masses.

But there is a surprise in John's life, a colourful flash of passion and hope, an opportunity, an option he knows he can take. We wonder if he will, or if it is something he will always just think about.

This was well written, your characters were vivid and real and your descriptions of your characters lives was very well done.

I enjoyed reading this story. Thank you.

Keep on writing!

All the best,

simply2012
106
106
Review of The Visitor  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Angus,

It's Easter Morning *Egg3*, perfect day for one of your stories - The Visitor.

I didn't find this one scary, but it was very Twilight Zoney, which is just as good. Poor Perry, we all feel so sorry for him being tortured by the Dark Lord's minions. Too bad Perry didn't have any bollocks though as he sold out one of his own children... Nice...very nice.

I like that the evil one chats to himself throughout, predicting Perry's reaction to things. As well or as usual I should say, your dialogue is terrific and appropriate for the situation. You can 'see' Perry in his cell and picture his persecutor as well, even thought we haven't been given a real description.

Another good tale for a perfect mind!

Thanks Angus.

All the Best,

simply *Egg7*
107
107
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello:

I'm reviewing Ships That Don't Come In.

I thought this was well written, there's nothing wrong with it, but it was the story that didn't work for me at least. It was promising at the start, what with the town's reputation being hinted at and the jealousy and the picture perfect couple. I was intrigued to start with, but I'm afraid it was just too similar to other stories.

I couldn't find any issues with grammar and spelling. Also I liked that Carla maintained her professionalism throughout and didn't turn into that jealous high school girl she once was.

This sort of seemed like a prologue, where we know that when we turn the page, we'll get to read what's really going on. Find out the root of all evil so to speak, but unfortunately, that didn't happen.

I hope my opinion is somewhat helpful. I hope you understand that I'm giving you my honest opinion of this story, not your skill as a writer.

Thank you for the opportunity.

All the best,

simply2012
108
108
Review of Football in Sudan  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello!

Well my first thought when I read this was it was very 'ugly tourist'.

If you know about sports you know that 'winners' gear is produced for both teams in case they win. We wouldn't want them to wait a few days to get it produced. Very wasteful really, unless we sell our unwanted leftovers to other countries, or donate it.

The dialogue in this told the story and showed the ignorance of the man and woman. It was well done.

I hope to read more of your work.

Keep writing.

All the best,

simply2012
109
109
Review of Basement Baby  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Yikes that's nasty ... in a good way of course.

I thought this was very clever and well written. The opening was interesting and i wanted to read on. I didn't know if the character was female or male, but I didn't think it was important. I wasn't too sure what Baby was, but as the story and descriptions went on, I decided Baby was a cat, at least to me.

Your casual way of describing the characters wounds and discomfort were chilling and made me uncomfortable. Which is the whole point in good horror. You want your audience to squirm, so well done!

I felt this piece ended well, even though there wasn't a resolution. If you ever decided to expand it, it could make an interesting short story.

Good job and I'll watch for more from you.

All the best,

simply 2012
110
110
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

This is a charming piece that is quite well written. I would suggest that you re-format it, to leave some space between paragraphs to make it easier to read.

I thought some of you descriptions were wonderful. The characters were interesting and fleshed-out. Michael is more human than Death is normally found to be. A refreshing change. Why does Death have to be evil or scary. Why can't he be a nice and caring guy?

I liked the end until the narrator suddenly jumps in and said oops sorry forgot to mention she smelled roses. This part seemed out of place. You have other descriptions in the final paragraph such as the soft melody that reached her ears, why can't the brief scent of roses be added here? It would fit in better than the current end.

All-in-all a nice story with a few little twists along the way. Keep writing!

All the best,

simply
111
111
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Cherry Mac



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight* Trust Your Instinct.


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Interesting story with a nice ending. Though some criticism follows below, I want you to know this was a charming idea, refreshing in that the ghost is not evil or angry. Makes a change.

Please read on knowing that I liked this idea ...

*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* I thought this was interesting and liked how it ended, but I feel there is room to improve this.

The beginning read like it was written at a different time than end really. Was it written at different times as the style seems to improve midway to the end.

Alicia talks to herself in a strange way. It doesn't feel realistic. Some of the descriptions didn't work for me such as 'blanketing the already well-covered ground.' How can you blanket something again? How about, adding to the existing thick blanket of snow.

As well, Alicia likes to put things off ... a couple of times in the opening paragraph. Think about joining those two thoughts so putting it off is only said once. As well Alicia likes to explain to herself but she sounds like she's talking to another person. It's very odd to read.

The punctuation needs some work as well as the formatting. For example the opening paragraph has an end quote but I couldn't find the start of the quote.

I have to say that from the mid section on, there seemed to be an improvement in the above. This again makes me wonder if you wrote the second part separately from the first.



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*

I think my favourite part was the dog making himself at home. He did it because he was home. That was nice.

All in all a good idea, which I know you can improve. It could be an extremely charming ghost story.

Keep on writing. I hope this wasn't too harsh, I'm not trying to upset you, but you have a great idea here, I'm sure you can polish up a bit more to make it very good!!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
112
112
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Jessie!



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*
Do I Belong With You?



*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp*
Cute little child's story. I can see a book, with nice illustrations this charming little story would be enjoyed by the youngest of readers. This has been done before with hats and other articles of clothing, but yours is another take and is quite lovely.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
I found myself getting a little growly with the constant Mr. and Mrs. thing and liked that this was dropped when Ribbon arrived at the goats. Perhaps consider using Mr. and Mrs. a couple of time, I like the goats referred to as a herd and maybe mix it up with a name, like Peter Penquin, Mrs. Tortoise, if you take my meaning.



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*

I enjoyed it all really, but liked the end, with the little giggling baby ... so Ribbon knew he was home.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
113
113
Review of Patchwork  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello HaliN,

I've read your story Patchwork. All in all I was drawn into the story and the characters. Though a couple of things didn't quite work for me.

I think the relationship between Keiran and Danny, just didn't gel for me. I know you were trying to show how upset Keiran was and how caring Danny was, but it seemed a little off. A bit cold and hard.

The other was Lena's mother. She just didn't seem to care at all or enough. I'd be freaking out if my soon to be son-in-law called to say my daughter had been missing for a few days ... egad!!

Kieran's reactions to things seemed real and I liked his reactions to Lena. He wanted to explode but refused to let her see that.

Now to the end. Well, I think it was a little rushed. I think I'd have mumbled some obscenity about Troy Lewis before turning off the television.

I think this part needs more emotion, maybe anger and frustration: Even now she's inescapable. he thought.

Then:

Somewhere in the back of his alcohol-fogged mind he knew that all he could do now was patch himself up, like his and Lena's old blanket.

The above is good, but I think I'd just add something like, ...could do now was patch himself up, sew up his shredded life, like they had put together the beautiful patchwork quilt.

Or something to that effect.

In any case, if you do make changes, I'd be happy to re-read and comment again. Let me know if you want me do a proper review.

All the best,

simply
114
114
Review of Daddy's Lie  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Bishop Kent!



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*

Daddy's Lie


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp*

Sweet, well written story. (Nothing wrong with sweet, by the way.) A bit predictable but that's not terrible either. I liked your characters and thought they were believable. Especially good were the children. They seemed real as were their reactions and conversation based on their gender and age.

*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*

This would make a nice story to read to a child I think, though you may want to edit the beginning just a little depending on the child's age! Couldn't find anything to quibble about particularly.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*

"Aiden! Stop it! We're supposed to be quiet." He launched into an exaggerated tiptoeing walk, raising his knee almost to his chest and, after a particularly long stride, gently settling just the toe of his shoe on the ground. To Addison he looked like Elmer Fudd hunting wabbits from the morning cartoons. She couldn't help but to laugh.

I thought this part was well written and amusing. I could see this in my mind's eye. I may have left out 'to' in the last sentence, personally. Otherwise, very nice.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
115
115
Review of Wax Dolls  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Mike,

I read this and as usual the storytelling was good. I like characters both good and not so good. I got a good idea of the house and atmosphere.

While there are good points, this felt a little rushed to me. It almost feels like a detailed outline really. I'd like to see some more about the parents, their relationship and how this family ended up like it did.

The opening was very good and pulled me. I wanted to read more ... I could hear the step-father fumbling up the stairs and smell the alcohol and smoke on him as he had his way with his step-daughter.

Tichiban was interesting but I think if you'd used more West Indies dialect in her speech, if you know what I mean, it would have really brought that character to life.

I felt the ending was too abrupt and a bit flat, I'm afraid it didn't really work for me. I'm not saying I think the parents should have died, but I don't know, it just didn't work for me. Maybe even saying something about Tichiban smiling to herself as she rolled the warm wax... like a knowing smile or something.

It was still a good story and I enjoyed reading it. Like I do with all your work.

all the best,

simply

(sorry this took me so long. things have been keeping me away lately)
116
116
Review of It Was Christmas  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Danielle N Thompson



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight* It Was Christmas


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* The story itself I liked. I thought it was interesting. You say this was personal experience ... that might make an interesting tale on its own! However while I enjoyed the story, there were issues which made the story difficult to read in some spots.



*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*

takeout from Mexico, - this makes it sounds like Evan was going to Mexico... did you mean Mexican take-out?

Only some of the staff survived but scared
- this seems to be missing some words.

There are many such examples and well, to me, this seems like notes rather than a finished story. I'm not trying to be mean, but read the story out loud and record it if you can and then listen back. There are missing words and thoughts seem to be rushed.

Remember to add in how things felt, give Evan's 'boys' a name, describe them, give us something to 'see' and smells, textures.

Satanic churches with Nazi symbols is brought up but not mentioned again that I could see.

This story needs more body and soul. And having read some other stories of yours, I know that you can do it.

I do find it hard to 'go back' and rewrite sometimes, but I know that you can do so, if you decide to. This story needs to be brought to life, so to speak! When you are ready of course!


All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
117
117
Review of The Last Goodbye  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Stop*THIS IS WDC POWER REVIEWERS NON-FICTION RAID REVIEW!!*Stop*



*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Truman Chandler



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight* The Last Goodbye




*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp*
This is a well written, touching, story of parents and children, loss, and remembrance. This was honest, sensitive and moving. I liked the beginning of this piece - started at one point and kept waiting until needed.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
I don't have suggestions for this piece. I couldn't find fault at all. I think you've got a perfect piece here that is hopeful and sentimental and a lovely remembrance of you and your father.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* The following is my favourite part because I think it has helped me think differently about my own loss. It's beautifully written.

Sons shouldn’t have to lose their fathers, but it’s the cycle of life, and that’s what I am trying to come to terms with. I’m lucky because I have no regrets. My father and I had a good relationship, and I have no remorse about things left unsaid or undone. And he had a long, good life. I told friends who consoled me it was sad, but not tragic, because he lived eighty-five mostly healthy years, he had a family who loved him, more friends than he knew what to do with, and he didn’t linger or suffer at the end. “We should all be so lucky,” I said more than once, trying to put a brave face on it.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

118
118
Review of Awakening  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: wiseowl



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*
Awakening



*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp*
A good item for your portfolio. I thought many of your descriptions were good and I like the idea that the victim decided to take back her life with a little help from her friends.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
Watch the commas and speech quotations:

My friend touched my back and whispered “, He’s going to hurt her real bad. We have to do something."

The above should look like this:

My friend touched my back and whispered, "He's going to hurt her real bad. We have to do something."

As I have already said; we’re only suppose to watch not assist. Her sobs tore at me, but I couldn’t do nothing. But then, she did the one thing that would make it possible for us to help her.


Consider the following changes:

As I have already said we are only supposed to watch, not assist. Her sobs tore at me but I couldn't do anything. But then she did the one thing that would make it possible for us to help her - she prayed.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* You could see the panic in her eyes. Her eyes got as big as saucers, and you could feel her mind racing.


All in all a good effort. Continue to read others, review and practice your writing each day and you'll improve. This will help you express your terrific ideas in a more polished way. Great job! Here are a few points to help you along!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

119
119
Review of Sunflowers  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: IsiFeliciano!



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*Sunflowers



*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Nice tight ghost story. Kept my attention, flowed well and the characters were believeable as was the narrator's voice.

I have a love hate relationship with sunflowers so I was already interested when I saw the title. But I have to say the first few lines definitely drew me in and the excellent story kept me reading.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea* Nothing to quibble about with the grammar and punctuation that I could see.



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*
“You wanted me to stay,” She gave him a wide grin, her skin cracking, forming deep fissures along her jaw. “Now I can never leave.”

(I think he needs to move!)

All in all a very good story. I enjoyed reading it.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


120
120
Review of Limericks Mk VII  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: bumblegrum



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your limericks: *PointRight*
Limericks Mk VII



*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Liked them all, again!



*QuestionG* Thoughts:*Idea* I don't know what else I can say about your limerick-y skills, so I wrote this in your honour. Not sure if it's quite a limerick but I tried!


I'm running out of things to say
About the limericks you write every day
Some funny some sad
Some really quite bad
So I decided to jump into the fray




All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

121
121
Review of A Seasonal Mind  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello:Dave!!



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*
A Seasonal Mind.



*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Well written piece. I liked how you showed each season of life as a season of the year. This has been done before, but I still think this was well done. (As an aside, I often wonder how people who do not have such clear cut seasons describe life ... but i digress.)

I liked how this flowed and how the character's life was carefree, then stressed, then content and then came to an end. Really though, isn't each season in itself a new beginning of sorts? I think you showed this, in winter, that even it is a beginning.

*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
I really found nothing to quibble about in the punctuation department.



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* Though I enjoyed many of the descriptions you gave throughout this piece. I would have to pick the last paragraph as my favourite. It was very touching and the last sentence itself, was, to me anyway, perfect.


All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

122
122
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Dawn Charboneau



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*

The Valley of Dried Bones


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp*
Interesting story of a girl's daily walk to school through a valley filled with bones. These people victims of a recent battle.


*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
I thought this interesting but I have a few issues with the believability. Not sure that so many bones would just be left there, normally families want to bury their dead, not just leave them to rot and be eaten.

Not sure that no one would ever speak of it again in front of the younger generation either. Never? Not in whispers? And honestly, there is no other young person who ever notices or asks what happened? Just seems a bit too convenient to me.

Beyond those things noted above, which I think you could easily explain, I found this piece to be a refreshing idea and quite well written.

I think there is a little over use of commas in this piece. For example:
So, everyday, I stood at the edge, clutching an old potato sack full of books, staring numbly into the valley. Daily, I had to conquer my fear.

Consider:
So everyday I stood at the edge, clutching an old potato sack full of books, staring numbly into the valley. Daily I had to conquer my fear.

I'm also a little up in the air, so to speak, about the title of this piece. I think possibly it gives too much away ... but then ... well I can't decide!!

Also, I'm not sure about the word flimsy here. To me it's just a bit awkward:

What really angers me is the fact that my generation was deemed too flimsy to handle the truth.

What about fragile, or feeble?

I'm not sure about the use of the word drudge, when you wrote:

not willing to drudge up a little emotion.

A drudge is someone who works like a slave or,
it is hard work or unpleasant work. (I had hours of drudge ahead of me to clean up the mess the flood left.)

In this you are saying you couldn't find any emotion or you couldn't call up any emotions.

Drudge just doesn't sound right here.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck*

But that day isn't today. Today, I screw the cap over my bottled emotions, and once again, I cross the valley of dried bones.

I liked the description of bottling up your emotions here. Well written!


All in all a good story. Keep on writing!!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
123
123
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello: Danielle N Thompson



*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*

The Other Daughter


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* Great idea, easy to read but not always so easy to follow. Towards the end I found this piece somewhat confusing when Mr Collins appears. There was a little explanation at the start but to me it was just a bit hard to grasp immediately. Probably as this piece, considering the story and history, is quite short.



*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
I would consider expanding this somewhat and provide more background and details about the people you introduce us to.



*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* “You’ve heard of me.” A Cheshire cat smile appeared.

Loved this description!

All in all a good story, but to me it needs more background and detail. There's too much crammed into too few words. I hope that you consider making this good story a bit longer.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
124
124
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi bumblegrum!!

Is there anything that you can't do with limericks? What's next a novel of limericks? Wouldn't that be a hoot. As usual this was and excellent job. This was terrific and fun. I look forward to more ... when you're ready of course!!

Great job!!

simply
125
125
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is Teen*PointLeft**BulletR**PointRight*Young People's Review





*RainbowL* *Bird* *RainbowR*


*Exclaim* Hello:
Summer Day!


*Star* I Am Reviewing Your Story: *PointRight*

Move to Monster City


*Reading*What I Liked:*ThumbsUp* I like this small offering, written in first person, with Dylan's thoughts and feelings very well described and presented. I think the slightly sarcastic tone of this is perfect.



*QuestionG* Suggestions and Thoughts:*Idea*
Hmm, this seems to have been a diary entry but there is only this single offering. It would be interesting if you offered a few more days about Dylan's move to Monster City. I think you have a good idea here which could be very entertaining.

Didn't see any issues about grammar particularly or spelling and punctuation. Good job.

I did find one thing, you may want to consider changing:

And if you’re me the next thing you feel pulsing through your veins is rage.

Consider: And if you're (like) me, the next thing you feel pulsing through your veins is rage!

This next line I'm bringing to your attention, didn't really work for me. You may want to consider a different metaphor here. I'm not too sure about tackling torpedoes myself!

I admit it, I did, and I wish someone would’ve tackled me like a torpedo. ANYTHING.


*Heart*My Favourite Part:*BoxCheck* I loved this descriptive paragraph:

Plus, all the while you’re just staring there with a puddle of drool dripping at your feet, and your parents are flapping their hands in front of you trying to get you to wake up, but you just can’t. You’re just staring out into space, somewhere non reachable by the people who kept this secret from you for so long. Then finally, after minutes of shock you start to blink and blink. Just sitting there, your hands placed in your lap.


All things considered, this was entertaining, quite amusing, interesting, made me want to continue reading (BUT!!!) and generally just well done. Keep writing!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*


Write On!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
199 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/simply2020/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5