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631 Public Reviews Given
639 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual, honest, sometimes blunt. If you don't want the truth don't ask me. I do try to be nice, but I will tell you what I think.
I'm good at...
I'll read your story and let you know how it makes me feel. I don't mind spending time providing details of what works or doesn't and provide suggestions for the author's consideration. Grammar is important but I'm not a real stickler. Spelling though, at least use spell check.
Favorite Genres
I'll read many genres if your story grabs me.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, interactives.
I will not review...
I'll read most things. If I don't think I can, I'll let you know.
Public Reviews
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151
Review of Childish Behavior  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello I'm jus sayin!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* Childish Behaviour

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Two women 'discussing' a fight between their children and why one doesn't want to get over it.

*Reading* What I liked:

I thought the dialogue here was well done and believable. It flowed naturally and you input just enough within the conversation, such as their location to anchor this piece.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

So you gone keep walking like I'm not talking to you?"
This should be: So you gonna keep walking like I'm not talking to you?"
But would this woman say gonna or would she say: So are you going to keep walking ...\

"That's what I'm saying Lisa you condone that type of behavior.
You need a comma after Lisa.

"Come on Cheryl, we used to be able to talk about any and everything and now we can't get pass a simple fight amongst children?"
"No, what we can't get pass is the fact that it was wrong and you refuse to acknowledge that!"

In the two sentences above, the word 'pass' should be 'past'.

You wasn't that great of a friend to begin with, so I'm gone to continue to live my life without you.
The word 'wasn't' should be 'weren't.

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Watch the amount of space between each line. There's too much space between them.

"I came to my senses, that's why we are no longer friends."

My last suggestion has to do with the above noted line. I think if you simply added the character's name it would just make it a stronger statement and therefore a stronger ending.

Consider:
"I came to my senses Lisa, that's why we are no longer friends!"


*Heart* Favourite bit:

"Well I guess there's nothing more to say. I will leave you be, you will come to your senses one day, and when you do you know how to find me."

"I came to my senses, that's why we are no longer friends."

I just enjoyed this whole piece and as I said, it just worked for me.

I hope to see more from you.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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152
Review of Little Bird  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ScottyS:

I'm reviewing your poem: Little Bird

I could see the empty feeder in a white pine and hear the chickadee's calling and flitting about.

That was very nice. I enjoyed it. Brought great visuals and memories, both.

Well done.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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153
153
Review of I See You  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Angus!

I read your story, I See You.

Very well written as always. I liked the characters and they both seemed realistic to me. Their dialogue was comfortable and real as well.

Poor Kathy not be able to look in the mirror! And the recurring dream, I used to have one about being on a roller coaster, but I digress .... Recurring dreams are creepy no matter what they are about.

This was a good story but again, maybe due to the contests restrictions, I just felt a little let down at the end. It seems like there wasn't enough time to build the necessary tension, to really give me a shiver at the end.

You're a great writer and I love reading your work. Thanks as always for the opportunity, Angus.


All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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154
Review of Greater Good  
Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hello Nicholas Admiral!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* Greater Good

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Story of a guy who watches himself die and gets a taste of the afterlife.

*Reading* What I liked:
I like the idea of this story. I think you have the start of a good ghostly story here.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:
He began to remember, and realized he had been in the middle of a text when… <- the ellipses should look like this at the end of a sentence: middle of a text when .... The should be a space then the ellipses and then a 4th dot for the period.

This is the stereotypical heaven... I was hoping
should be: heaven ... I was hoping <- word space ... space word

*QuestionG* Suggestions:
Why not show Spencer reacting to Stacy instead of using, In reaction?

I am confused about the part with Spencer and Stacy in the tub. I'm not sure how this part fits with the rest of it however. Is she supposed to be reacting to his death? If so how about having her call to him and then when he gets in the shower he's confused?

His car smashed into the adjacent building, and the school bus just kept moving down the street, catching fire to the roadside trees. <- This part is a bit awkward, consider: the school bus just kept moving down the street, the roadside trees catching fire.

The word graveyard seems to be overused, consider using cemetery, memorial park, burial site etc.

Same with coffin, other words pine box, casket sarcophagus.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

I liked the text message idea. We REALLY want to know what it said. Perhaps that can be an idea that runs through the whole story until the end.


I hope this review is useful and I look forward to seeing more of Spencer in the future!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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155
155
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Vivian & Randi!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* S.H.O.V.E.L.

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Super hero(?)robs a bank and gets away.

*Reading* What I liked:

I liked the attempt to be tongue-in-cheek and also having superheros that aren't exactly super.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

A bit confusing since both the clerk and the Vertigo sections were written in the first person.


*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Even though I can suspend my logic and try to read the story the author wants me to, I found it rather hard to believe that the bank, would only have one employee on staff. Consider additional characters and tell us how your shifty-eyed villain would get rid of them.

I also had a bit of trouble believing that each alley she went down had a mugger or cop in it.

I found this chapter kind of confusing as there are lot of things happening but there aren't any complete details about any of them. I know you are trying to create interest, but give us a bit to be going on with as well.

She had a black unitard clinging to her skinny form and a rainbow mask with shifty blue eyes peering through.
 It sounds like the mask has shifty eyes, consider:
a rainbow mask, with her shifty blue eyes peering through.


If this person is a superhero, why is she shooting at the clerk? Don't superheros usually protect the weak and victimized? That bit is hard to understand and/or believe. If it had been a real gun, wouldn't have been much of a game for her or the clerk.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

We technically should have learned by now that these penalty games were a terrible, terrible idea, but it was just too satisfying to see the loser struggling along. Until it was you.

I think you have a great idea and this was a good start. Keep on writing and revising and I think you'll end up with a fun story.


All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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156
Review of Writing  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello The Newbie!

I am reviewing your poem: *PointRight* Writing

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Fun but thoughtfully worded poem about writing.

*Reading* What I liked:

As a poetry neophyte I can only go with my feelings and I have to say I enjoyed your offering. I thought the words you selected were well chosen and I liked how this flowed.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

Looked just fine to me. Nothing I could find to quibble about.


*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Keep on writing, is all I can suggest at the moment.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

I really enjoyed the whole thing but I liked how this was written and formatted (on your piece, not here):

Along the way
Creating
Worlds
Times
People
And
Places
That come in different shapes and sizes
But I guess it’s all about the beginning
How should I start it off

Again, this was well done, thoughtfully written and fun. Thanks!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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157
157
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jacey!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* You Are What You Eat

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Story about a conscientious guy who stays after his shift at the meat packing plant to look after a faulty freezer.

*Reading* What I liked:

I thought his story was well done. It had a beginning a middle and a surprise at the end. I thought you made Brandon a character we could understand and feel for. He was thoughtful, hardworking and certainly didn't deserve his fate.

I liked the bit of a scare you gave us when Brandon was possibly stuck in the freezer after a sigh of relief, the reader is once again surprised with the ending.



*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

Not too much here:

position in the big cooperation s/b corporation

what his holier than thou s/b holier-than-thou


*QuestionG* Suggestions:

I just have a couple of suggestions:

Watch the formatting and keep equal spaces between paragraphs. Also for easier reading on the computer consider breaking up paragraph into smaller blocks.

I read this part a couple of times, but I'm not sure about it the part in blue below. Why is there wind?

The slaughter house was empty now that all the workers had gone home, and an eerie hush had fallen over the warehouse, making every breath of wind stand out.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

The last paragraph, don't want to copy it here in case someone reads the review before the piece. Last paragraph was terrific.


All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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158
158
Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello bumblegrum!

I'm reviewing your Bunch of Limericks. Wow, these were great fun. I had a ball reading them all. I like most of them, my least fav (that DOES NOT mean bad or awful!) was the last one Ceremony but I loved Money Money Money. The rest fall in between but each them either made me smile or laugh.

I've had a horrible day to today and your wonderful limericks were just what I needed. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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159
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello thaiwriter!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* A Good Day That Went Bad For Me

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Biographical piece about your own heart catheterization and recovery. From what you've told me about yourself when you reviewed The Devils Rope, I'm not suprised that you as brave and strong through this, it can't have been easy but you seem like a 'head on' kind of guy.

*Reading* What I liked:

I liked your honesty and descriptions of the procedures and your feelings. There was also a little humour in there too. You had to put in your own IV ... amazing!


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

Normally single digit numbers are written in full and double digits can be left as is.

There are a few issues with spelling such as:

I was awaken(ed) by talking by 3 (three) people in blue flight suits who were there to take me to a Spokane Washington Hospital with a Cardiac Unit. Upon arrival at the Hospital in Spokane I was taken to the Cardiac Care Unit to rest.


The next morning when I awoke a Cardiac Doctor was there to tell me what to expect in the Heart Catheteritization that I was going to have that morning.

Watch for repeating the same word in the same sentence. In the above example it's morning. Consider replacing the second 'morning' with a more specific time frame like, in three hours.

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

I would break up the paragraphs just a little more because it is just easier to read online.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

My 3rd day in the hospital early morning, I heard them call a code blue for someones room, the next thing that happened was everyone came rushing into my room with a crash cart. It appeared on the monitor at the nurses station that I had flat lined, it wasn't me but the battery in the wireless cardiac monitor I wore that was dead.

Loved that part, 'it wasn't me' well thank goodness it wasn't!



All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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160
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Hello Kaz!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* Sheep in Wolves Clothing: Ch 1 Sample

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

This story is about Zahilla, a shape shifting, vampire boy who runs away when his loved ones are killed trying to protect him. We see part of both his childhood and growth into a man.

*Reading* What I liked:
This isn't a pat on the back, but I did like this story. But if I'm honest, this line put me off a bit, In the world of fantasy, where the lands are ruled by kings and years are counted not by days but by the cycle of the seasons, there lives a little boy. I've looked at this twice before I decided to read it because I thought, does the writer really want me to believe these characters and their lives, or is he telling me it's just a story.

I liked the use of italics thoughout. Very well done and all the dialogue was easy to follow.

*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

I didn't find a whole lot to quibble about, but what I did find is here.

Are... you... go... ing... to... send... me... away?”

Ellipses should have a space before and after them so the above should look like:
Are ... you ... go ... ing ... to ... send ... me ... away?

What happened?!” <- double punctuation (No offense but double punctuation is very informal and just makes the text ugly)

Zahilla had been encountering more and more of these. Judging by the potency, he figured that there must be a camp of them near by. (it may not show here but there is a formatting error which left a large space on the page) He didn't want anything to do with humans so he tried to focus on the cat smell. Zahilla snorted in disgust when he realized the cat smell came from the same direction as the camp of humans.

You would sacrifice them for one little boy?"(there is another formatting error here) Zahilla could see the shadow of a creature that looked like a large man with a long, spiked tail gesturing wildly.

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Most men would be proud of such a man, but Zahilla saw it as a glaring weakness. Not sure about this line. What does he see as a glaring weakness? Why would most men be proud of him?

The alpha buck had become very fat and today would be the day he would die at the teeth of Zahilla. Found this part difficult to believe. Why would any hunting animal go after the strongest? Predators hunt the weak and young.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

Hard to pick one fav, but I chose this because I thought it showed how much he changed when he shifted from man to dog:

Hmmm meat.... yes DEER. Nice juicy... With each bound toward the herd, any semblance of his human thoughts and dreams disappeared. Deer, deer, deer, rock, bird! Zahilla chased after a small black bird until it flew to high for him to chase. What was I doing? He sniffed the air and caught the scent of the white deer again. Right, deer. Deer, tree, urine, wolf. Zahilla scowled. My tree. He lifted his leg and covered the wolf's scent with his own.


Again, I did enjoy this and I hope you find my review helpful.


All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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161
Review of Baby Bird  
Review by Simply
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello Elle Kingsley

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* Baby Bird

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!



*Reading* What I liked:

I thought this was quite sweet and I think it would appeal to small children. I reminds me of something I used to read to my son.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

Not too much here, just a couple of things:

Not much longer...
The there should be a space after 'longer' and before the ellipses like this:

Not much longer ...


"Baby Bird!!! My baby!! Your story will look more polished if you use only single punctuation.

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

I would reduce the amount of white space between each line, it would be much more attractive.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

The little lullaby Momma Bird sang to the baby, that was really sweet.



Keep on writing. I hope that you're going to expand this into a longer piece or series as I think little ones would enjoy this.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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162
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Review


Hello Lindsay!

I am reviewing your poem: *PointRight* Colors In The Garden

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!



*Reading* What I liked:

I'm not the biggest fan of poetry and honestly don't often even read them, but something drew me to yours.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

Couldn't find a thing I'd change.


*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Keep on writing. This was really very good.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

This was really good. I loved the imagery about yellow for a young girl and the woman drowning in pink. I thought that was brilliant.



All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Review
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163
Review of The Destroyer  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (3.5)

A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Review



Hello davidwalters!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* The Destroyers

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!


*Reading* What I liked:

This was really too short to properly review, I'm afraid. There's really not a lot here to grab on to and no character to either like or dislike. It does raise a number of questions and I wonder if there is more to this?


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

It destroyed the fields, the buildings, all the good things, the libraries and the trees, the paintings in the museums, the ancient bones that could not be replaced, those intangible oaths promised to loved ones now forgotten, those things not yet beautiful but could have been so.

This is a very long sentence and I think people have tendency to get lost in overlong sentences. You may find it is more effective if you break it down into at least two, ending the first one after the word replaced.


*QuestionG* Suggestions:

If you break down the sentence noted above, you may want to add the word 'once' to the 2nd sentence. So it reads like this:

Those intangible oaths once promised to loved ones now forgotten, those things not yet beautiful but could have been so.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

And it sometimes happens in a life that the very purpose of an existence is tried.
(This is interesting but I keep looking for the rest!)

I'm sorry I couldn't offer a better review. I am rather hoping this is part of a larger piece. More information would make this easier to review.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!

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A "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Review
164
164
Review of Squirrel Survivor  
Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Angus!

Here I am. I know I didn't call first. I hope you don't mind!

Here is a lovely tail, erm tale about a squirrel (or most of one) running across a road.

It was very well done and fun, for me at least, but not the squirrel, I would think.

Seriously, this feels so right done in the style you chose ... blood red may have been a better colour choice though!

Another successful piece.

all the best,

simply
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165
Review of To My Dearest  
Review by Simply
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello simple spider!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* To My Dearest

I found this on the Request Reviews page.

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

Story of a man trying to tell his wife/girlfriend why he loves her but is too blind to see that he's already done so!

*Reading* What I liked:

I like the whole thing. Thought it flowed well and was an enjoyable voyage into the dense minds of men. Ah when will they ever learn what women want! Very well done.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

I didn't find much to quibble about but this:

She is someone who cries for people she has never meet, who tries to do things because they are the right thing.

meet should be met

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

I'm not sure how this part was meant. Was the character being sarcastic or did he ask her to leave the dishes for him?

My mind feels like it's clogged with cement so I get up and wash the dishes. Sometimes it helps me think. She is nice enough to leave them out so I can do them late at night.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

Now this is real love:

No doubt she has read it. She loves going through my stuff, but I even like her nosiness. Below the "love letter" she has written me a little message, a critique of sorts.


SS, this was a lovely story. I thought it flowed well and all the way through I kept saying to myself, just send what you're saying to her you great thick ejit!! I hope that's what you were going for!

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!
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Review of The Bridge  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (4.5)
I know that the number of words was limiting, but as usual your imagination wasn't at all. Very well written and lots of fun.

I am lucky that I don't over think things and read 'em as they come, so to speak so I REALLY get to enjoy the twists at the end of stories. Maybe some people think that makes me dumb, but I prefer to be considered an innocent reader. I want the author to take me on a trip and as always Angus, it was a joyous ride!

You're terrific and so was The Bridge! Keep up the great work. I love finding new things from you.

All the best,

simply
167
167
Review of Cold Winter  
Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow.

You had me there.

Dom was very real to me and your story was well thought out, with a great beginning, great tension and a terrific twist at the end.

Dom's constant questioning of everything and everyone (well almost) was well done and really helped with the tension in this as did the part where Dom stops worrying and enjoys his short lived 'up' moment.

Lots of misdirection in this as well ... getting us to focus on certain characters while never questioning the girl for a moment.

I didn't find much to nitpik about except these:

What the hell do the Reds have against decent beer? he would often wonder.

Consider:

What the hell do the Reds have agains decent beer, he would often wonder.

Dom moved quickly down a narrow hallway towards the room the sound came from. As he approached he could see it was the kitchen. Carefully he peered inside. Next to the stove stood a tall thin man with a greying beard and thick glasses.

While the space between kitchen and carefully doesn't appear here ... it does in your story and is just a formatting issue.

Whoever your with is not the real Ana. Its…”
Should be: you're


All in all a very good and entertaining story.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

All the best,

simply
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Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello JTJoseph

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* The Grim Reaper Comes For Me

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!

I'm not sure why the address is on this and why there is such a huge amount of white space before you actually find the beginning of the story.

*Reading* What I liked:

While some of this was 'well worn' and done before (not always a bad thing in my eyes) I thought you really had quite a good little tale here. But I didn't always feel that attached to the main character. She felt rather one dimensional to me.

I like the fact that the Reaper was going to take it upon himself to kill his victim. That's different.


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

This would benefit from a good re-read, try outloud so you can actually hear it. Also some reformatting of the paragraphs would would make this easier to read.

I was distracted by the use of time, why does it take 45 minutes for a college girl to climb to the sixth floor of an apartment building. That's way too long.

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Sometimes I felt 'too led by the hand'. For example the wooden door knob and the wooden door, the fabric couch, the white trash can. I thought sometimes there were too many adjectives used. My imagination was left with nothing to do.

I found the section about the Grim Reaper changing his mind because he rarely had the dead begging for a second chance, unbelievable because I'm pretty sure most of us would.

I'm afraid the end left me feeling a little flat.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

I was surprised and horrified, watching as the bone and the robe of The Grim Reaper quickly healed themselves. I silently opened a kitchen drawer as I reached behind me to grab another knife. I reached into the drawer to grab a sharp steak knife. Holding it tightly in front of me, I watched the figure starting to walk towards me again. I became more frightened, and screamed at the top of my lungs. “GET AWAY FROM ME, I CAN’T DIE NOW!” I yelled.

Keep on writing, there were lots of good ideas in this piece.

All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!
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Review of The Silver Clock  
Review by Simply
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Hawthorne Silver!

I am reviewing your story: *PointRight* The Silver Clock

Please know I am aware this is your story and your voice. Any suggestions are offered as food *Apple* for thought!



*Reading* What I liked:

I thought this was a interesting story but to make it great it needs lots of work and editing. You have a great idea here which would be worth a 4.5 rating but I had to drop it to 3.5 because of the technical issues. Please consider the advice that myself and other reviewers have given and fix this up. It could be a terrific tale!

*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

Blue items need punctuation or re-wording. Red items are new, corrected or additional words or punctuation.

The afternoon was silent and everything was in place as Pauline sat silent on their sofa with a book in her hand, obviously she was reading. Her dark hair fell perfectly on her back and her wide blue eyes were examining every word there was on each page she was in. She was at home all alone as her Mama and Papa went (had gone) to the market to buy goods for supper and left their only daughter alone.
"where's your mama?" a voice said from the distance, Startled

See below:
*QuestionG* Suggestions:

To make this easier to read, I recommend that you consider reformatting with more breaks in the text and ensuring that capitals and periods are in place. If you need help with grammar this site has many articles you can take advantage of. Just type grammar into the search box at the top or most pages to find lots of information.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

"You know what this is?" Mrs.Connors said smiling as she approach her daughter. "That's your precious silver clock." Pauline answered. "This is not mine, this belongs to my mother's, and her mother's mother. A family heirloom as we say it." Mrs.Connors said now seated right beside Pauline. The silver clock was clearly old yet it was still working and was clearly well maintained. "My mother told me that as the silver clocks hits every second of our past, we change, and as it hits every second of our present, we change, and as it will continue to hit the seconds of our future, we will change yet it is up to us how we change cause we are our past, we are our present, and we will be our future



All the best,*Bird*

simply *Vignette5*

Write on!
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Review of The Walk  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Russ!

I am reviewing your story, The Walk.


*Reading* What I liked:

I liked the fact that you could make a walk interesting. Obviously you're British (sorry I couldn't be more specific about the region/country)


*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

There are issues with the punctuation for example:

“f***, f***, f*** !”, she spat vehemently s/b
"f***, f***, f***!" she spat vehementhly

"You ok, love ? Let me get that for you.”, he offered as he bent down and handed the box to her.

"You ok, love? Let me get that for you," he offered as he bent down and handed the box to her.

To polish this story, you need to go in and fix all the punctuation.

There are issue with your ellipses also. Here is your text:

“It's just...well, I get so frustrated you see ? Can't do much anymore....takes me hours to get a few bits in for tea...Jack's

Here is the same with corrections:

"Its' just ... well, I get so frustrated you see. Can't do much anymore ... takes me hours to get a few bits in for tea ... Jack's

when you use ... you should put a space then the dots then another space before the next word

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Perhaps give the reader a bit of insight as to why Darrin needs to walk and why he's in so much pain. He seems nice enough and this information would make him a bit more interesting and help us understand him a bit more.


*Heart* Favourite bit:


The traffic was light, rush hour was over and he made his way through the small town suburbs more quickly than he expected, leaving wisps of breath like a steam train in his wake.

-this was a nice visual

Thank you for sharing your writing. I hope you find this review helpful.

All the best,

simply *Vignette5* write on!
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Review of Tournament  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Penny:

I have read your piece called Tournament. Please know that I realize this is your story and your voice. I offer suggestions as food for thought.


*Reading* What I liked:

I like the fact you wrote 100 words on the 100th day! This vignette was nicely written and flowed but there wasn't really enough to understand what is happening.

*Pencil* Technical Stuff:

It should be her home, too.

No comma is necessary after the word home.

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

No, this had to be her home, and he was intent to make it so.

Just a small issue with the word intent and this may be more effective as two sentences. Consider:

No, this had to be her home. It was his intent to make it so.
No, this had to be her home and he intended to make it so.
No, this had to be her home! He intended to make it so.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

The only part of her remaining was the bit of lace he held between his fingers.

This makes you really wonder what happened here.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review you small vignette!

All the best,

simply *Vignette5* write on!
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172
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Bird!

I read your essay Be True To Yourself. Welcome to WDC or writing.com. It's terrific to meet you.


I enjoyed reading your essay. I thought it was well written though I noticed a couple of minor things that could be improved. But generally I thought this was interesting, thoughtful and insightful. And I especially liked the bits of humour you threw in ... excellent.

You must love your husband very much to so readily accept what must have been a major change in your lifestyle. It's something very few of us can imagine going through. So I hope you'll share more of your insights into how this affected you and made you feel.

I've only had one dealing with some fellows from a motorcycle club, it was a well-known one here in Ontario Canada. A girlfriend and I were in a bar in Northern Ontario and she'd lost an earring. So here are two 20 something city girls crawling on the bar room floor looking for this earring. We run into 3 pairs of massive motorcycle boots, we look up and see three huge bearded, tattooed guys asking what we're doing. We tell them, then get on their knees and help us find it.

They were perfect gentlemen. They taught me to never judge a book by it's cover.


But I digress, now then on to technical issues:

Don't ask my why, but girls just seem to love "bad" boys > my should be me.

You don't need to leave so much space between paragraphs.

Try not to repeat a term too often, in this case 'random woman'.

See not too much wrong at all!

Please keep writing, and let me know when you post, I'd love to read more. I think our society is too judgmental, there is good in 99% of all people and you can help dispel some of that by telling us about your world.

Thanks so much for letting me read this Bird.

All the best,


simply
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Review of The Blue Envelope  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello aks!

I read and am reviewing your story, The Blue Envelope.

This a story about the unrequited love a teenage boy has for his teacher.

Please know that I offer the following suggestions and corrections as food for thought.

I am completely aware that this is your work and your voice!

*Reading* What I liked:

I thought this story was well written and thoughts and reactions were that of a teenage boy in love with his teacher.

*Pencil* Technical Stuff: There were a few problems, especially with the ellipses and some punctuation. I'll show your work in blue and the correction in green:

ofdiffused glow

Should be: of diffused glow


a beautiful shine on her face and a smile on mine .A smile that would be ruined by the day’s end……….
A punctuation problem: ... a smile on mine. A smile that would


A smile that would be ruined by the day’s end……….

Ellipses should only be three dots and there should be a space before and after the ellipses and if necessary appropriate punctuation at the end, like this:

A smile that would be ruined by the day's end .... < so here are the ellipses and the period to end the sentence.

I reasoned myself out,

Based on the next line, I think the formatting here needs fixing and the sentence is clunky. Consider:


I reasoned it out, "Why after an array of 135 deep and heart stringing letters did Miss Narayan give a reply now? Or was it even a reply. Surely it wasn’t. She had maintained her (what some may call) dignity (I call it brutal rigidity) and not broken her silence once then why now?”

But half of my concentration was still on the envelope .After an hour
Spacing and punctuation need correcting.

Well what can I say…………………………………………… I study out of grief!
Try: Well what can I say? ... I study out of grief.


The problem was ………………..it was harder!
Try: The problem was ... it was harder!


Who am I kidding, of course she won’t, she is just too perfect to……………

Consider: Who am I kidding? Of course she won't, she is just to perfect to ....

*QuestionG* Suggestions:

Even though I had not read it, it was affecting me, that too way deep down.

This is a bit clunky, consider:
Even though I had not read it, it was affecting me deep down.


That was an exhilarating sample of the aura that Miss Narayan carried about her. The very aura that made me call her “Miss Narayan”.


You could make this flow better why re-wording slightly. Consider:
There was an exhilarating aura that Miss Narayan had. It was that aura (or: that very aura)that made me call her Miss Narayan.


Miss Narayan was not a very proud and haughty girl.

Is she a girl? That sounds rather sexist and wrong. I think you can do without calling her that. Consider:

Miss Narayan was neither very proud or haughty. Or
Miss Narayan was not very proud or haughty.

I noted you have referred to her as a girl in several places, if you choose to change one, ensure that you edit all of these references.


*Heart* Favourite bit:

But she was a very hard nut to crack and perhaps the most difficult. After sending her 135 emails, not a single reply.

That was shattering for a fifteen year old.

This part was well said, and also true. The young male ego is easy to shatter and the adult in this situation needs to take the lead not sweep it under the rug.


I certainly hope that you keep on writing. This piece had a lot of heart and soul and will be terrific if you correct the minor errors and polish it up!

All the best,

simply *Vignette5* write on!
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Review of The Egg  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Tasia714!

I read your story The Egg.

I really enjoyed it. I think if you gave us a little more information about why Jack is mean/ a bully and maybe what he's really like it would help the reader have more feeling for him, whether good or bad.

Your spelling and grammar needs a bit of work, as you have explained in your bio. That's okay, if you have a computer try writing in Word. Then you can save your work in more than one place and you can use the spell and grammar check.

But the story itself is well done, very imaginative and has a beginning, middle and end. I thought is was fun, funny and well thought out.

I hope you keep on writing.

All the best,

simply write on!
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Review of LISTENING POST  
Review by Simply
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Christian Powers!

I read your story, Listening Post. I usually have issue with stories like this where a woman is the main character. Not be cause she's a woman but because they are usually portrayed as men in women's clothing. Meaning that what makes them women is missing.

I liked Dana, she was strong and intelligent but I still felt she was a woman. I think you did that very well. She was afraid but fought it and did the needful. She was not hysterical but she needed to cry. As a woman myself, I felt close to her and could relate.

I thought your Odin was also well done. He was just what you'd think he should be. I liked his pauses, and the fact that he realized later that Dana could be right and he wasn't. Odin was great.

The story itself was interesting and made sense. There was enough background but not more detail than was needed. I don't need to be led step by step, I like to be nudged in the right direction, which is what you did.

The enemy space bug, was really well done and I think would be off-putting to most of us. So many people do not like bugs, so your choice here was excellent. A bug that just replicated into more bugs ... ugh!!!

I don't think anything was missing here and I truly enjoyed this and think you're on to something.

Thank you for the opportunity to read this piece. Excellent work.

All the best,

simply
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