Overall:
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* This is a very painful poem and I hope that you are able to face this loss of someone so dear to you. The pain and sadness come through the poem.
I liked this poem for its idea. It needs a little bit of meter and usage of more stylistic words. For instance, "her hair was purely cleaned" could have been bettered by replacing the word "cleaned" with a more stylistic word. Good job! Please look into refining it because the base idea is extremely good. Thank you. Write on!
A thank you is never too late. The more the criticism, the better a writer it makes or so, I believe. The worst possible thing that can happen is that we delete our first few words. Some of us talk about "constructive criticism" but sometimes it helps to have a peek at "destructive criticism" too, if there is such a word. I real enjoy it when people give me bad, bad, and bad ratings or reviews. It challenges me to put across what I do in a more receptive manner. "Know the audience" is such a typical communication jargon, that sometimes we miss it. The genre one chooses may not be understood by others who do no much like the genre nor could they do justice to a piece where they are not skilled at.
Appreciate your sharing your views and your experiences on Writing.com. Real helps us learn from past masters such as you. Good luck!
Mars, why i liked this poem is its simple use of the word. Poetry does not need to be about flowery language. If it can convey the essence in a few words, then I would consider a job well done. That is what I find in this poem. The easy flow of words leaves you asking for more. But then if you write one more word, then it would seem like clutter. It is just right the way it is, for me. I think this deserves a mention for what makes something seem simple. Everyone need not be a modern day Keats
* "You need someone whose strong" should be "you need someone who is strong"
* This poem needs a better meter
General:
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* Nice idea that needs further development
Overall:
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It leaves me with a feeling of wanting for more words. The meaning is so good, that one needs a helping hand to get out of the darknes and no one can escape the dark abyss.
Technical:
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* Amazing use of words, to leave a max. impression
General:
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* Superb handling of subject
Overall:
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I loved this poem for its use of the abstract and the not-so abstract. The poem leaves a lasting impression. I could picturize the helpless little one hiding under the table, waiting for the raging storm to end
Technical:
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* Excellent use of words
* Good meter
* Good flow
Story/Script:
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* Could have had more variation
* The frogs, owls, crickets all night time visitors - well detailed
* Last line of 4th stanza "Carries on the breeze" seems a little bit of out of place
Dear Soul, I liked this article as it reflects my belief that religion is a binding factor. God is universal while religion carries a myopic view. I believe that is more about faith that heals rather than God that heals. "Faith can move mountains" is the exact word rather than "God can move mountains" cause God does not need to move mountains, he/she can make them disappear altogether thereby, making mole hills out of mountains.
Hence, when a person wants to realize the Godly nature, no religion is necessary. Religion cannot ensure godliness though it proclaims so!
Very very interesting piece of writing. But one small suggestion, could you please pay more attention to detailing, putting your point across is fine, but if you could go about it more logically, and put your case forward with more facts and details could help the case.
such a wonderful poem on how a father's little girl grows up to be a remarkable example of a father's learning, wisdom, and strength. I hope your dear dad has the strength and resilience to face the darkness that is looming on his horizon. Bests, Sarah
Wow! Indeed, an excellent articulation of how some of us miss the divine signs, fail to interpret the hidden meanings, and overlook the untold wisdom. Write on!
Hmmm ...Wonderful ... I simply adored this story ... such a good piece of writing ... I could imagine it all and recreate the scenario in my mind. Good use of words and a great way to end it. The characterization, the storyline are classic adventure. Write on!
God, TOSCA, what a brilliant depiction of the pathos. You put everything into perspective here. Gruesome are the killings, numb and raging inside, the observers sit on the sidelines, or in front of their TV screens, listening to gore and death day-to-day, be it Iraq, Gaza, or wherever. A mother's pain you have captured! Truly amazing piece of writing. Thank you for this poem. I could not have been able to do such a good job.
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