this is outta the world. a science fiction story , told as a poem, and in near iambic pentameter for that . it reminds me of Keats , Shakespeare's longer poems. they make me feel high. iambics are difficult however, so here and there there are some imperfections in the metering. but i think your figures in their powerful expressions have done more than the weakness of a a few of your metres. you are geat
this is a taste of ancient India in all her majesty. majjah typifies the lure, mystic and majesty of the arcane subcontinent. your figures imagery mood and evocations are quite lofty this is a good writ. i score you 4
the name of the girl "Lumen" light in Latin language , is a contrast against the dark she first found herself in. the way the girl culled herself in the first paragraph, making herself so small is quite scary. some of your figures are just out of this world - "the smell of wet stone" . i never knew stones have a smell. you use of dialogue put more lucidity to the the story. a short story such as yours that employs dialogue are deeper and more meaningful to understand. a ten year old with a blue black skin. that is almost unimaginable, but considering the type of genre you are writing, it is allowed. there is no race with a blue black skin. in fact, the only person in mytho-history with that description in Krisna in the Bhagavad Gita. nevertheless,you have done a good job. I score you 4.5
your metres are not balanced. 7, 8, 7and 9 in the first stanza,.. your figures are beautiful however. your imagery is fine. and you evoke a good mood. if not for you meteer i would have scored you 5. i score you4.5 improve meters
this stoory flows with ful;l lucidity. you can almost touch feel and talk with the main charACTEER. "Making his customary sweep of the apartment" WHAT A CAPTIVATING WAY TO START A STORY . some of your figures ar5e quite catchy. "How many nights had David cried himself to sleep begging for their mother?" you can almost see the pitiable sight of david. "Scrubbing his hands over weary features, he dropped his elbows to his knees, hanging his head" this too is another captivating expression.
good japanese metres. perfect thesis and anthises. you took power for two syllables. it is one . very good haikus. there is also time and season in all haikus
i score you five. your metres are perfect;your figures are sharp. you have followed the tradition of the anceint masters - shakespeare, keat etc. you are great
ailments sometimes teach us who we are. yours in particular has been a blessing. i am not ill. i have come across a lot of disappointments in life. out of varied disappointments, i discover myself as a poet. many years ago, i was jilted. the pain and scare is still there. it was my first love. the pain opened a part of me that was dead. i became a poet. my portfolio and scattered pieces on the net speak for me. may god allow you to feel his spirit in your predicament. god will heal you with love. only love is eterne , every other thing will perish. hold on to love and be good, my friend. god bless you!
your introduction is breath catching. some new words such as pottering , swagger etc are made known to me. even the wat you combine the words are startling AND mind holding. the swagger in his step, he pottered about the room. there is a good resolutioon in your story. i think you are great
your story is quite interesting. i have learnt some new words."gash., dishwasher etc. such words are not easily used in nigeria. you are doing well kep it up
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 1:29am on May 16, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
