the metric rule in the first and second stanza is not very perfect, yet you tried in the application of the iambus. i love the use of this personification"I'll make your heart dance to a merry tune". it is a good one. the colloquialism here is apt "And the world revolved round just we two". your message of love speaks to heart and soul this valentine season
the picture of a raging gale is immediately counterbalanced by the image of an ilumminined sun. this is a perfect antithesis to the thesis. . rains falling as a mist comes as a perfect synthesis. this is a perfect haiku with all the ingredients as a proper Zen would have written
this doesn't fit any category of a sonnet.your thirteen syllabled lines are too cumbersome and has nothing to do with sonnetting . although you called it a bad sonnet,. i see it as nosonnet. you also did not follow any6 form of riming scheme. as an ordinary poem, you've tried. i score you 4 as an ordinary poem. 0 as a sonnet
the heading "A Cure for Immortality" is staggering and holds thhe mind with expectancy. the name Athenais is too ubiquitous in the writ and makes it seem like a lover trying to praise sing a beloved.it is a soul searching work full of imagery, showing thhe futility of life and the temporality we are all destined to meet at the end . a great work
your first stanza has a rime scheme of a b a b.but the metering is not regular.the second stanza has a weak rime between cessation and sensation. weak because sgood rime should meet a stressed word, not an unstressed syllable. all and funeral, however are not good rimes. you have a good promise - carry on
this is a rape, the math tutor took advantage ot the young boy. gay sex is not really bad , but ut has to be between two consenting adults. the age of the ypoung boy is not stated. but i have to admit, rape or no rape, but boys enjooyed what they did, and the youmg boy will sureley come for more. i dont really like the idea of anal sex. next time use only frot in your storied. that is omly my suggestion
your poem is near perfect the first two line
"Deep inside my dark heart cries
Nothing left inside but lies" - is a perfection in trochee, as sweet as Twinkle ,Twinkle , Little Star". the next six lines
"A lingering thought that haunts my life
That dark deep hole whose name be strife
I've given up there's no more fight
tonight I know the time is right
Inside my soul can't take the strain
So sodden by November Rain" - shows a mastery of the iambic tetrametre, which is more difficult to achieve and more musical than the iambic tetrametre. your poem would have scored 5 if not for the last 2 lines that are off meter
it is when someone is brohen that the feelings in his/her subconscious mind comes to thhe fore. the lady is in great stress, the husband - never to return from a war, she was lonely. another woman came rto keep company. one thing led to another , and the season oof grief, became a period of sexual healing,discovery. i would have scored you 5 if the women had tribbed in the story. that is my opinion, but you did a good job!
it is a pity the sory is not completed. i nam not gay, but i am moved by the story myself. your descriptins are so vivid, i had a hard on myself. but i think alex is gay. go ahead and have him, he will not resist. he is already hooked. he loved you as much as yoy love him, hence the invitation to sleep with him. alex must be hansome. Lucky guy! read my gay articles
"that drove me nuttier than nuts last night." the metering of this line is shaky and faulty, not in proper iambic.
"Like a bee buzzing in Grandma's bonnet," metring of this line is also poor.
"this could not happen to little old you." and this "if the bug hits you, you will know it's true." makes a perfect rime. you compromised on figures in trying to struggle with metres. you tried any way .
you have not really put any product out to be revieweedwhat you have iis just some tuips on writing and oin entering competitions. wel we can still call it a review. this words by you "In my wisdom I have also decided that not only do monthly winners win 10000 gift points and get their winning entry in an ebook anthology but said anthology will also include a second piece of writing from /each/ winner. This can be an original piece or preferably your favorite piece." sounds very encouraging and can make any ony try your competions
i like the regularity of your riming scheme. the imagery and the mood is far to poor and sad for a joyous christmas period . hear you
"Beer and smokes is all I need, we often hear him say,
but a little food occasionally is all I ask and pray.
Little Jim and baby Bob have no milk or bread,
but our cupboard’s full of alcohol for Mom and Uncle Fred.
I ask you Jesus from my heart to send some food and cheer,
and not another box of Scotch or stinky smelly beer.' these lines smack oof too much of poverty. your figures are pretty good
your poem is highly philosophical and appears like the work of a sage like bacon. it has wonderfful and powerful riming scheme.
"Creeps its way into the hearts of so many who are too blind
To see war’s not the answer to peace for all mankind
The beautiful butterfly will guide us if we want to see the light
Lead us to the world of rainbows if we open our eyes to what’s right" yet it cannot be called a traditional poem. it is beautiful but lacks metricity.
thework is superb. te introductory poem iis cool but not perfect. the poem haqs irregular metres,but the riming scheme iis perfect.the last or the concluding poem has regular metricity, but imperfect rhyming scheme. the powers of your figures almost equates shakespeares and keats. you are good
the first syllble is well written - eight syllable alternating six syllables, except in the last line,when eight syllables alternates with eight syllables. your rhyming pattern of a b a b is shakespearean and traditional in outlook. the first four lines of the second sylable have six beats each - iambic tetrametre, this gives the syllable sweet musicality. you have a great poem
too much latinism:stella , latinum etc. the figures and metaphors arew not catchy enough.it is not well arranged too.your metricityy falls short of standards. it is a free verse poem . however, you have a sharp and brisk message. it will be better if you add a little oof style
this is the greatest pain about life. reality also comes in a wicked form. it doesn't . it hardly comes in the perfect way in which our childhood fantasies evoke. this is definitely the picture you see trying to paint in the first paragraph. but writers are such "perfect" lot, they could paint a whole new world, travel to perfect realms,visit great worlds, all be it in the mind. i think if you read my portfolio will be transported to such a world. you have paint a perfect picture of reality as it is
perfect riming sceme. i love the3 flow of your iambic tetrametre, it flows dowm like jolly water from a fountain. the perfection oof your figures catch the mind like liquid fire. but there is oine minor error i noticed. it might even be a poetic effect. you used distance in a place you should use distant instanza1 . i will still score you five for keeping to metricity
nice and chilling story. my nerves stand mon ebd as i read through. the story is quite intersrting "I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down at the small river running between the sides of earth. The wind pushes my hair, so that it sticks to my lips. I look over the edge; waiting for my heart to pound like crazy. It doesn’t happen though. Maybe my body trusts my mind more than I thought." this opening is quite captivating. it suspend the reader looking and begging for more
very picturesque. but it has the chharacteristics of a prose. it has no metre, no rimes . but its figures are okay. please try and write in a more traditional garb it will do you better. you can read my portfolio to get examples of good tradtional poems.
your riming scjkemes are very regular. but your meytres are not as regular.you should try amd work on the metres and make a very perfect iambic. as for thre figures i think you have them to a very powerful degree. please try and do good work to your metres,
your story is good , but most of your assumptions are wrong. you make a very good story line. your figures cut through steel , but the reality you are about to paint is perfectly false. i am an African - a historian from Africa, where life began and i am closer to nature than you ever can be. our ancient ancestors were not fighting in tribal blocks. our ancient ancestors were not scared by wild animals. they had enough occult power to hypnotize any wild beast, your story is good as a fiction anyway.
you have a powerful riming scheme , but in the third to the last paragraph,you made a ,blunder, by riming the same words with themselves. minus that your rhyming scheme is perfect. i am al with your meter. but your meters are not very perfect. please work on your metres . your figures are okay
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