I know this was a contest entry so I'm going to review accordingly. I'm going to give you some questions to flesh out in case you ever want to expand this idea into a more substantial piece of work.
I felt attached to the idea which is why I chose this piece in your portfolio to review. For me to feel attached, I need to know more about Hannah. What was her profession? Why does the time accelerate? Why is she the last? Why was her old life gone? What happened? How do warpgates work?
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I think some really good ideas need to be worked out here. It has the makings of a great story and science fiction writing, if done well is an up an coming genre with so much focus on technology and STEAM programs right now in school. Like it or not, we're breeding scientists in schools at a faster pace than ever.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
I didn't see the overall layout. I bet I will if you continue the work and lay out this universe more.
Glows:
The idea of time travel is very compelling and engaging. You use dialog well to develop the story line. I like the idea of jumping milleniums but if you do that then be prepared to set the scene for the reader so we can vivid descriptions of the contrasts between the time jumps.
Grows:
I have a lot of questions about the story so I didn't really see the plot develop. But, I sure want to because it's a really cool concept.
Miscellaneous Comments:
Keep going! It's going to be good! I'll definitely adjust my rating as you add your ideas!
From the first sentence! This 300 word story was compelling from the beginning! I love that the Queen was surveying her land. It sets the tone for her to be strategic and cunning in a world where those virtues will be handy to have I'm sure.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
Yes, but I would love for you to elaborate your story. What happens next? You have your characters developing into intriguing story figures and you are setting your plot up to be highly engaging.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
Yes, the Queen wants her land back of course. We will see if it's true love with Edmund or is she just using him to get back her power? I definitely want to stay tuned!
Glows:
This is an extremely well written piece for three hundred words. It has interesting characters and a compelling story line. I want to see what happens next and don't want to be left on a hook. You set the scene vividly with great description. It was cold, lonely and lofty.
Grows:
It's too short. I want to see how this story develops! I'm hooked! Is she a benevolent queen or evil and controlling? Is she going to be a queen of the people and instill peace and prosperity or rule by her fist and sword?
Yes, but I'm not sure I felt attached to Zarad and Aloli's physical desciptions as spirits. In my mind's eye they look like floating octopus's which I'm not sure I can attach to. But, it seems to work for you because you describe them so well.
Despite the reservation of that idea though, the characters are soulmates and that comes through very clearly in this chapter. They care for each other and have been together so long they can anticipate the next chapter of their lives.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else?
I would, especially since I have so many friends that would love the theme of reincarnation from a historical point of view. I assume we're going to start touching on the Nazi element soon. I believe Hitler had a secret government branch that dealt with the supernatural, specifically the idea of reincarnation. I think it's been popularized in the the Indiana Jones movies, the most recent one.
Was there a clear purpose to it?
The beginning chapter sets up for the story line to progress. It's interesting that you wrote about imperfections on the spiritual plane which we usually relegate those to the earthly one. This story sets a path for possible spiritual warfare as humanity is affecting this realm.
Glows: I love the concept. I can't wait to get to the action. I hope the spiritual world gets developed because I'm interested in their universe.
Grows: Tag:
None so far except the one I mentioned earlier about the physical look of the characters in the spiritual realm.
Plot/story elements: It's an evident plot. The character aches to get home because it's been a dangerous walk home for a variety of reasons.
Did I feel attached to the story or poem? I felt scared for the character, especially after the police officer stopped her and relief when she finally made it home.
Would I recommend this piece of writing to someone else? I think some work needs to be done to make it a really terrifying experience. What is the character thinking when these events aare unfolding. Something like I was so excited to see my favorite band play but this night had its own plan for me. Make the reader really identify with the character's terror.
Was there a clear purpose to it? The character wanted to get home after a long and terrifying night.
Glows: It has potential to be a suspenseful story. The premise is scary. Who wouldn't be terrified if a police officer pulled up next to them and asked questions about another axe wielding pedestrian in a rainstorm? The physical discomfort is well described: cold, damp.aching and lost.
Grows: Tag: I want to feel like I put myself in this character's shoes and truly feel terrified and lost. With just a little more suspense building. Also, what were the rumors of the woods? I bet that add more suspense! I think you have room to throw in some analogies and metaphors to put the reader really into the mood. Ex: The moonless sky aided no help to me as I tried to navigate the pitch black woods.
I like the story and the place sounds exotic and fantastical. There is definitely an adventure brewing and I'm intrigued enough to wonder where it's going to go from here.
I was a little confused though. Is Faolan a dog too or just those that he's hunting? I couldn't quite figure it out. And, you mentioned the world
Is dying. I'd like see the dying landscape more in my mind's eye. Thanks for sharing your story!
You seem to be reminiscing about nature and missing its value in today's need to urbanize. At first, I thought you were describing maybe venturing out into the woods and seeing all the shanty shacks that stand in our rural areas, kind of an homage to the past. The line about manicured lawns threw me off though because they aren't natural. So, it made me switch my thoughts to the author must be missing the past. So, I got really confused by that line.
I love the country and sometimes think we may doing ourselves a disservice by not living more simply. Maybe they're the ones who have it right.
Wow, extremely powerful ending. I love you talk about the insecurity of looks that burden many of us. My favorite women are the ones become unencumbered by it. They just accept themselves for who they are and develop whatever talents they were born with. But, it is a hard ideal to strive to when we are inundated by media messages that tell us we should prioritize our beauty over our soul and brain. Society suffers from this misalignment of the feminine ideal.
This needs to be with a Norman Rockwell poem! Classic American! I wish our country lived up to its ideal. I love the idea of of the home being set for friends and family. I'm not crazy about the word embellishments but it makes sense. My favorite is the last verse. It evokes authentic holiday cheer which is hard to come buy in July. Don't worry, I know it's old from 2012 so I'm not thinking you wrote this month to be festive but I can wish. Thank you for sharing it!
A boy approaches him to say thank you, I saw you fighting the monsters. Can people tell he's a monster or do they assume he's human? So, after reading more, the monsters do look human. So is there some war between monster and human? How did monsters come into being and why do they exist?
I love the story and would love to see this universe elaborated on but I was a little confused in the beginning so I think maybe having an origin story somewhere might help alleviate some of that.
Glows: I can feel the Dad's feelings! I feel like I'm in the scene of the story. You did a beautiful job of telling a story that many people can relate to. The holidays can be tough for a lot of people.
Grows: I don't think you need the girl breathed out. The sentence after that explains it. Maybe you could use lurched forward instead of jumped forward. There were a few lines like those that I feel could be strengthed with better word choice or reworking of sentences. But overall, the way you made me feel like I was actually there is a recognition of your good writing.
Comments: I loved the story. But, I wasn't crazy about the end. I finished reading and thought, wow, unless it's a personal piece of an actual experience, I didn't feel compelled by it. She was thankful but it was just a little too much of a typical experience. If you were to write this descriptively about something that had a developed plot, I would probably buyit.
Good luck and keep writing. May the pen be with you!
Interesting you chose an Aardvark. I enjoy the comparison you make between humanity and Aardvarks. It just made me wonder if lions and aardvarks live in the same ecosystem. Never thought about where they live until now. Interesting poem, wonder if it was a contest entry. In any case, keep wriitng!
This one made me cry! Makes me think of my old basset hounds. They're so young and love to play just like my old Bassie and Beau. It seems I can never just take one. Before them was Oreo and Sinji. They were quite a pair and have a great death story for them. Talk about a rainbow bridge moment. Your poem may have inspired me to finally write their story. Out of all my animals, those two have one that belongs in Chicken Soup of the Soul. Now, I have two rescue dogs, chiweenies that attacked a friendly pit bull because he was off his leash and got too close for comfort. They're so young. I forgot what it was like to have young dogs. Oh, the memories we make and are made from our animals. Pet lover for life.
Very informtive. I didn't know Kung Fu originated in India. The writing casual and yet technical. I wonder how these combat art forms are different than others like Tai Chi and the wrestling one, (can't remember it's name). I haven't heard of Marma Kala but it makes sense if its going extinct. Interesting facts of an increasing popular martial art form.
Why goodbye! How sad! Beautifully and romantically written! I loved how you described the memory of the woman, ocean air and jasmine scent. Where did she go? Oh, the heartbreak. Poor man. But at least he had a lasting memory belonging to the Winter solstice night! Good job and keep writing the good write!
Can you see how she carries a burden and hides behind a lie? I wonder if bars are a metaphor or real? Pretty cool imagery there! Not bad for a non-sensical poem. Just a note of consideration, I think peak should be peek. Keep going and writing the good write!
If he's seeing his mother is he dead? You're antihero seems to be somewhat of a partier. Which is fine, but I'm not sure I understood the point of the story. Was there a plot? He was in a car accident and woke up in a hospital but what happened after that? He sees his mother. And, maybe you should make this a gangster story or crime or something to showcase your writing style. It's got a lot of street cred but you need to spin into a story, or at least that's my opinion..Keep writing and there were more than a few grammatical mistakes but it's nothing a clear eye won't help.
I saw a few great lines in there: it slices air, cuts friction, demolishing all resistance where it lands. And, And when we hold our sacred values above every other need. You write about so many deep concepts here and tell you're conflicted about idealism versus reality. It's a tough state to compromise for all of us. On a constructive note, I would love it if you would use punctuation to break up thoughts so the reader can tell what refers to what. Just a suggestion. Keep writing!
I had not idea people spoke welsh in Argentina or that there are 28 letters in the alphabet! The rhyming is good and I have read several of your pieces since I recognize the very British challenge and feel I get just a little smarter every time I read one!
A savage garden indeed! How awesome that potatoes have eyes! It could be turned into a children's dark fable that would go alongside Hanzel and Gretel. I like the image of carrots blowing their tops. It popped for me. And of course, the asparagus stalking her is clever. The whole thing is riot, good job!
My love erased by time coincides so nicely with the last line leaving pieces behind. For such a small piece, it makes quite an impact. I feel like every word must have been hand chosen. Great job! Hope you consider expanding it to a larger piece. Write on!
How cute! I love the idea of the message getting people together. I wonder what the message was, I guess that's the mystery of it. They were a couple of typos I noticed but overall, it didn't detract from the story. It still entertained! Thank you for sharing and keep writing!
This also reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe or Emily Dickinson. My favorite line is Anguish and agony, twins in my lonesome company. It's very descriptive. The author must be chosen to live for a reason. Death will take him eventually as it does to all of us. Another great dark poem!
Beautiful recognition of patriotic pride and God. It was an easy read, short and to the point. MY favorite line was God gave me life, more than I'd asked. It makes me feel gratitude and humility. Thank you for your service. God Bless! Keep writing the good write!
It definitely reads like a hallucinetic state. Parts of it were too deep for me to connect to but most of the internal dialog felt raw and real and afflicted. Blank eyes staring back at me through me is powerful because it shows me how empty the author must feel in when he/she is coming down from that state of euphoria only to be trapped with doctors. Wow, it feels incredibly personal for someone. Thank you for sharing that perspective.
Beautiful! I just wrote my first haiku last night. I love showing gratitude of nature. No matter people's religious orientation it's hard to deny the universal love of Earth's natural beauty. I love to see writing that reflects that. Good job and thank you for sharing it!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tj35635/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.30 seconds at 7:47pm on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Glows:
Grows: 
Miscellaneous Comments: 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "