Theme: The pain of loss and the lies. That power only one you love has over you. As one so recently left, I too know it.
Structure: Its uneven structure makes me feel the hitching of sobs in the words. An excellent device even if it was unintended.
Grammar:
There goes all my hopes and dreams...
should read 'there go all my hopes and dreams'
Imagery:
The recurring image of wings and flying is a powerful one. So is that of tears, but the wings make an even greater statement. Well played!
If you're looking for title suggestions, perhaps "Fallen Angel" or "Angel's Tears" may work.
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Impressions: Well written. A calm medium used to Convey strong and possible angry feelings.
Imagery: Strong and powerful. Who the puppets and the puppet masters represent is obvious...as it should be. The use of exaggeration at some points makes the work even more well crafted.
Meter: The lack of meter in this piece actually works in its favor. Since war is the intended theme, the choppiness of the words make the poem itself sound like the battle it describes.
Improvements: Early on the puppeteer is refered to in a singular and later becomes plural. I think plural should be used throughout.
Grammar:
They seem to be trying to outdo eachother...add a space between the words 'each other'
I love the fictitious news reporter's name, very creative. While one settles into the domesticity of a new household quickly, it doesn't take long to become worried about a missing person. I'm surprised you held out so well.
Incidently, I'm conversant with mountain winters, too. I spent six of them in Colorado.
Some reviewers might find the lock-out story at the end anti-climactic. As for me, I think it tops the story well. I think the opening was slightly dry though.
Didn't see any grammar or spelling errors *bravo!*
Impressions: Very creepy. Brave new world indeed. One whose brink I'm not so sure we should cross.
Theme: Attaining immortality by creating soulless duplicates of oneself and preserving memories.
Plot: The president is fatally shot, but medical miracles have made men gods. From his memories the reader gleans that this president has been assassinated more that once. This would mean that he has become unpopular to say the least.
Improvements: The reason for the character's unpopularity is a question mark. Perhaps you should add something to explain it.
Grammar: just one-- It felt like my brain(was) trying to expand beyond the confines of my skull.
Highly creative story. I may have been able to write it's like myself, but I'm not sure I want to. I'd give myself a case of the shivers. Great work!
Impressions: Fairly well written, but at some points meanders and confuses. When you do get to the final Bush-bin Laden comparison, I couldn't help but think of the Nostradamian term "MaBus" used to imply a cunfusion over which of the two is the evil one.
Your willingness to admit a certain degree of ignorance is commendable. Some would allow readers to believe that their own knowlege is perfect.
I will admit to a number of hearty guffaws reading this. Colbert could take a few lessons from you. It's regrettable that in about a year, you'll have to start another piece and pick on someone else.
It does offer some refreshment from the ignorant sadistic rants of today's political lobbyists.
Thanks for sharing your views.
Impressions: obvious free-form. I applaud it's use. Though I prefer to structure my own work, I recognize unstructured poetry as viable.
Theme: Troubled childhood? Abuse?
Imagery: Strong and very effective. Not only do you see what is described clearly, but a sense of mood is conveyed through it.
Emotional content: I find a range of emotions in this work. They go from a peaceful calm to violence and neglect.
Impact: This poem is disturbing, which I'm sure was intended. But it was also confusing at times. Maybe you intended this, in which case the error is mine.
I am impressed by the way you used the atheists greatest strength, scientific method, as his weakness. Science is a double edged sword in that non-proof of existence is NOT proof of non-existence.
One thing you did miss in your first statement is that many ocurrences in the natural world are written off as myth because we cannot prove the cause. Most of these, such as spontaneous combustion, are deadly. Therefore, scientists don't want to deal with it. God is much the same.
I also like the 'chicken and cheese puffs' argument. It simply illustrates what is appropriate (or inappropriate) and when.
Most importantly, you've done well documenting your research. To me, this is impressive by itself.
On another note, if the friend truly exists he probably won't 'waste his time' reading a well written paper. If not, this is my suggestion to you: he has foisted science into the position of his God. Note this to him, then prove science exists and hence, God exists.
Rhyme and meter are very well kept in this piece. Don't sell your skill short. You don't have to be Shakespeare to be good.
The emotional power in this work make a strong statement. the only thing this poem lacks is imagery. Otherwise, the work reads very smoothly and makes its point.
Theme:
societal restriction--as seen by an outcast? The work seems to be a rejection of social norms.
Imagery:
Strong and vivid though at times mismatched. Intentional?
Structure & Rhyme
The rhymes are strong and consistent but sometimes the patterns shift at times. Structure falters between stanzas. I know meter wasn't intended, but some changes seem too radical.
Grammar:
line 6=> pass us buy. should read pass us by.
Strengths:
The piece communicates an intense bordom with the status quo. the words themselves are a near-senseless blur which is perfect. The ending exclamation brings the reader back to himself from a sort of drowning feeling that most know all too well.
Weakness:
Punctuation. Though commas can provide uniformity in poetry, ending each line with one in this form destroys the flow. Try writing the whole work in standard lines. You will see which commas should be removed without trouble. Consider adding a period or two as well.
Impressions:
If your stroke of inspiration came on as quickly as you say, then it borders on genius.
imagery:
The picture of the peace garden is well painted. Even when seen daily, such things are difficult to describe in so few words. Contrasting it with war images brings the stark reality home.
Rhyme and meter:
the rhymes are strong and smooth. The questioning attitude is, I think, more effective than the belligerant tone often used.
ideas for possible improvement:
The only thing that struck me as wrong is the "make love not war" cliche. Any changes are up to you. I've no suggestions of my own.
This work carries great power. The rhyme scheme is well crafted and the images of war are well conveyed. The emotions of the soldiers who fight for this country are well told. I like the fact that the words left no vague edges. It shows where your feelings are.
~Topaz
The use of the question to make the point results in a sort of elusive effect in the end. I like the fact that no particular event is specifically mentioned. It makes the poem more engaging to me. I also like the lack of structure. In itself, it conveys a feeling of uncertainty that this work is meant to show.
I used to play, but now I have no group. I tried DMing but wasn't too good at it.
The question itself is a fair address to an age old issue. How many religious nuts have emailed you about satanism? This was actually fun to answer. Polls like this one make this site great!
~Topaz
Theme:
enduring love, the most classic of all poetry themes.
Rhyme, rhytm, and flo:
I love how the final word of a stanza becomes the first word of the next, a useful tool for sustaining flow. Being partial to ryhmed poetry, the scheme immediately appeared. You do very well in sustaining it.
Suggestions:
my love will accompany
the longer word is strong, but obstructs rhythm. try follow.
are shared by us both
this line might do better without the word 'us.' the following ling line makes it redundant.
Theme:
A child's love for her mother and those things a mother teaches thru life.
Rhythm and flo:
Very good. Most stanzas are fairly easy to interperet. Images are not constant, but well crafted. The best compliment I can offer you on this work is that you have made free verse speak well to the reader. I enjoyed this, tho I prefer rhyme. Well done!
Suggestions:
where lines form question, use the punctuation. without it the line is confusing.
My totem pole was crooked and full of mental abuse
Perhaps remove the word "pole." it isn't necessary and obstructs the rhythm a bit.
Theme:
The peace and beauty of watching your love sleep. I know the feeling.
Rhythm, Rhyme, Meter:
Fairly good. The couplets work well, but you might consider breaking them into ABCB quatrains. The structure might look better. In most cases, a break point is easy to find.
Impressions:
I think of watching my wife sleep as I read this work. You've put my feelings into very eloquent words.
~Topaz
Theme:
The denial (and defiance) that comes from being dumped. Anyone who has been there knows it.
Content:
The jumbled rhyme scheme is a tool in itself. It shows the confused feelings of loss and rejection felt by the one who has been 'let go.' I am particularly drawn by the third stanza. I also believe that to be the point of the poem.
Suggestions:
I have nothing to offer. Thank you for sharing this work
Theme:
a sado-masochistic relationship centered on physical and mental torture.
I like the dungeon setting. Could possibly be enhanced by the presence of other torture devices in the rooms of the old house even if they are only barely mentioned.
Imagery and literary devices:
Excellent. you've done VERY well with the visual as well as the sensations of pain described within the poem. I am also impressed by your use of repetition, but it borders on OVERuse.
Rhyme, meter, flow:
Fair. the rhythm engages the reader well, but something is lost in the extended lines. for some, reader interest may be among the lost items.
I don't know if vamp legends allow for human psychosis. I do know that authorship makes you a god in your realm. Now that his vampiric state is known, explore in detail the cause of the amnesia.
The dialog, despite its oddness (or maybe because of it), is the story's greatest strength. Use of a reflection is a bit off tho. If he's a vampire, he shouldn't have one. That's an established piece of vamplore and shouldn't be messed with. All in all, very enjoyable. thanks for the opportunity to read it
I like the listing style, especially where the word Beauty is used like bullet points on a document. The couplet rhyme scheme also draws the reader on. The pairing of class with past is ironic since some might say that class itself is a thing of the past. If you could make more such pairings, the work would be even more powerful.
I only found one thing I disliked:
It opens like Kenny Rogers' "Looking for Love." As such, I think your work is belittled.
Very interesting and entertaining. If you seek to confuse your reader, you've done very well ... at least with me. Just when I thought a point was about to clarify, another knot formed in the next few lines. Maybe a line break somewhere in the middle would help, but I couldn't say for sure where. Then again, unrequited love is confusing even to the one who feels it. with that in mind, maybe it should stay confusing.
Wronged husband seeks revenge for infidelity. Classic plot. Very explicit and gory which was presumably the intent. I like the repetition of the first few paragraphs at the end of the story, has a certain capping off effect.
She lights, she inhales, she holds, she releases.
I stood, I watched, I said nothing
I waited for a response, none came.
Each of these is a run-on. use the ; instead of the ,.
With that she let out an inhuman howl, as the muscles contracted around the shards of glass. The blood now gushing freely from her mutilated slit I left her again.
use a comma and a small 't' the last is a fragment
omit first comma
you also have a few spelling errors which spell check should find
I'm glad I read this twice or I would have missed the true meaning. Once I saw the 'knight errant' aspect of the character, it all came together. You use good imagery to make the points of love, beauty, and longing.
Grammar:
forcing him to go on a parlous task...
(parlous) perilous? if so, spell it per'lous to keep meter
And was most lief to endure ruth and bale...
did you mean life?
some of the verbage was beyond me, but I didn't need to understand every word
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