This is the second piece you requested to be reviewed.
This is another thought provoking poem, which airs your views and emotions about the world you live in.
Here you've linked a musical slant to your poem,and I could actually see this becoming a song - with a little work.
The flow was a little 'staccato' and the imagery all over the place. Maybe this is supposed to reflect the thoughts you were having when you wrote this? It also possibily reflects the title.
Once again, you need to sort out your stanzas, punctuation and typos. You need to look at capitalization too.
Good luck and I'd be willing to review again if you make any changes.
Hello Blind Prophet and welcome. I see you're a very recent newbie.
This is in response to your personal request for a review.
This piece has some good thought provoking lines in it; which deal with what's going on in our world today. You have given some good descriptions and emotional viewpoints, which left me thinking.
What you need to work on is the presentation of the poem. There are numerous typos and punctuation errors. Have a look through and correct those. Also, maybe you could sort out your spacing and line lengths, which would enhance the poem greatly.
You've made a good start, and I'd be willing to review again, if you edit.
This poem gives good descriptions of your friend's habit, and also your deep concern for what it might be doing.
Your have definitely given good background information, and brought the piece alive through your imagery.
The only suggestion I would give, would be to separate the piece in to various stanzas, to allow the different emotions/images to stand out further. The rhyming is slightly off too, but the message of concern and friendship, still comes over strongly.
I'm just a little confused as to the last lines, which were not explained too well? Why are you in debt to this friend? What do you have to mend?
It's a very unusual subject to write about, but you have captured the beauty of this swan, yet the sadness of her demise.
The descriptions are once again, very good, and the message of peacefulness at her death, comes across well. It's like a release from all her torments.
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Suggestion:
In stanza 1, line 1, 'no ones' should be 'no one's' as it means no one has...
You definitely have a talent for descriptive writing and allegory.
You asked about your rhyming. It's fine, but unnecessary, as I read this piece with ease and the slight 'off' rhyming didn't matter at all. All poetry doesn't need to rhyme, so don't worry.
The stanzas each tell their own part of this person's story, and the lost love you're actually describing through your words.
A very entertaining, and well written piece.
Good job!
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
For your punctuation, read the piece aloud and where you stop naturally, put in the correct punctuation. Most of it is correct, just a few full stops and commas missing.
In stanza 1, line 3, The windows are all open, though no wind does seem to blow, I would take out 'does' and write ..though no wind seems to blow.. The imagery is still there, but the flow is better.
A very short but well told story. I wish I could have seen the photo that inspired it!
The flow was good, as were the descriptions, scene setting and imagery.
The emotions of the narrator came across well, but could have had a pinch more 'show' rather than 'tell' to bring the final statement to life a little more.
An interesting piece. I was surprised to see the sub genre experience..is this correct? Also, you could utilize your final genre description to gain more views.
An excellent article Puditat, which clearly gives your reasons for fostering, and also your personal emotions felt with the children you've had in your care so far.
I believe this is such a beautiful gesture, and the children are the ones who truly benefit short term and in adult life.
Thank you for sharing such an inspirational and admirable piece, which is very close to my heart.
I liked the originality of the story, and the continuity was good as well.
Good descrptions and believable dialogue!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Observations
Maybe, he thought, it meant he was growing old and feeble Thoughts stand out more in italics.
brushed in a hundred years I think you need ...them...after brushed...
Check where punctuation could be improved - especially commas/semi colons in longer sentences.
was getting antsy and thinking he might be spending the day holed up in the closet, This description was a little unclear...did it mean if the work wasn't done in time, he'd have to hide in the dentist's closet?
Also why, didn't he attack the dentist after, being a hungry vampire...? Was it for future convenience?
This is the second poem I found in your port - you say it's your favourite.
It deals with broken hearts and thoughts of regret, and feelings of hate.
Again you have shown your emotions vividly, and what this relationship has done to you.
The end is inspirational, as it gives a hint that this love is not over for you.
I would try to divide it up into various stanzas. At the moment it's more a prose piece to me.
Once again, good flow, imagery and strong messages of undying love.
Have a look below at some other observations I've made.
Well done!
Frankies Girl
Observations
line 1 along to the rythym. Typo. It should be rhythm
Your eyes are turned off, you're This reads a little awkwardly..maybe you could substitute..turned off...
Have a look where punctuation could be improved - especially semi colons in longer lines.
Its on my lips, the last of taste of whats been lost. It should be ...it's on my lips..I would also maybe think about rewriting this line...eg.. The last taste of what's been lost, is on my lips.. or something similar to help with the flow of the line.
Now all im left with are these Should be...all I'm left...
You have used the word...piece..twice in close proximity in the your last two lines..maybe you could substitute one of them.
I found your poem on Read a Newbie. For your first poem, I think you've done a very good job!
You have taken a single moment, but given good background details as to why it was happening. This gave lots of emotions and imagery to your poem, and your state of mind.
It was free verse, and worked well, with good continuity.
Well done! Write on!
Frankies Girl
I want everthing to be simple. Typo. Should be ...everything..
If only I could've found the words. I think the flow would be better if you used..could have..instead of could've..
Maybe you could divide this poem into three/four stanzas to enhance the separate emotions of each stage of the poem. The flow would be better too.
Maybe you could utilize the last sub genre description to attract more views.
This piece defintely shows your tormented soul, but your need to move on too.
You have given good background information as to your present emotions, with added flashbacks to show why you have reached this point.
I think you are right in your intentions to move on. I wish you every happiness, and I know there's a new door waiting for you..just open it!
Lots of luck in the competition.
Frankies Girl
Observations:
I think the ML takes away from the tragedy of the poem.
Will I have to wait forever, no please stop You need to put a question mark after..forever? And begin a new sentence. It would probably even the piece out if you put it on a new line.
Aways there if you needed me, Typo. Should be ...Always...
but no please I would begin a new line here and capitalize ..But..
Check where commas could be replaced by semi colons ie. after ...please stop;
First of all, I'm truly sorry at your sad loss, Crystaldreams, but welcome you to Writing.com.
This poem gave me an insight into your emotions, after your personal tragedy. Your thoughts are confused and your questions numerous.
Your end message left me feeling pensive, as it reminded me to be thankful, for all those little blessings I have in my daily life; which are sometimes discarded or unnoticed.
I thank you for having the courage to share this, and wish you healing light in this New Year.
Frankies Girl
Suggestions:
These seem inappropriate, but I'd like to point them out to help with your writing.
It's unnecessary to repeat the title on the actual page.
Capitalize new lines.
Have a look where punctuation could be improved - especialy commas.
In line 5 you have a typo. It should be emptiness.
This is such a beautiful Christmas card, which is sad, but full of love and forgiveness, at the same time.
Your introduction allowed me to see the current situation, (and was a poem in itself) and then the actual Christmas card, came from a loving heart.
I truly wish you happiness in the future, and hope that this person 'comes up trumps' for you, or that your destiny, opens that truly wonderful new door, that's probably waiting for you.
Good luck in the contest!
Frankies Girl
Suggestions
Recently I explained how I felt to you, You don't need--'to you..' as we already know who you're addressing.
The times together we cherished. replace the capital 'T' on 'The' with a small one.
I'll know you've decided; Replace the semi colon with a full stop.
in whatever problems you may find. Put this on a new line.
If ever you're in danger. Put a small 'i' on 'if'
So I sadly agree to go our separate ways. Invert 'I' and 'sadly'
Leaving inside us the happy memories of the past;
To guide us in our future choices. Take away the semi colon and replace with a comma, then change the capital T on 'to' into a small one.
I've noticed your handle and made contact already, but this piece, definitely explains the reasons why you need prayers, positive thoughts and well wishes.
I found it very emotional, as you lead me through the background history of your family, and the current problem with your mom.
I'm really happy that a match has been found for a kidney donor, and hope that your mother managed to go into surgery yesterday, and that it went well.
I'm sending all my positive energy and prayers to you and your family.
What a lovely poem. I'm sure little children will love this one - and parents too!
The blue reflects well, Old Jack Frost's 'icy features' and the message of staying in the warmth, yet enjoying his beauty comes through wonderfully. The imagery and scene setting are good too!
I like the addendum explaining it. I'm sure others will enjoy reading this one, and maybe even comparing or discovering, who wrote the original version? I think you could make that into a competition!
Well done!
Frankies Girl
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