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76
76
Review of A Child of Earth  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering.
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Good title.

Formatting looks spot on.

Good opening.

I slink away with a bottle of cemetery dirt in my hands.

This is the start of a new paragraph. Also, you may wish to consider make it clearer that she/he is out of the grave.




“Why? You already know who I am?” The vibrato in my voice came out brash.

the


Shaking her head slightly, “I have the power to destroy you.”

slightly, she said,

She shock her head slightly.


“You are a true child of earth, if you do not have this,” she said, holding up the tube that contained the jar, “you’re like everyone else with only one life to spend.

jar.


In that, instant I truly wished for death.

In that instant


“Urgh” I groaned in agony at the memory.

"Urgh,"


You will live your life here knowing you’ll never live again.

Consider:

You will spend your centurieshere knowing you’ll never live again.

Then she pressed a button ejecting the tube containing my jar into space.

So, there on a spaceship when this occurs?



The is great but for the last line and minor notes.

Alice
77
77
Review of Tales of Terror  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello,

Thank you for another horror contest. This one has a nice spin on it.

Perhaps the in the next round, the gothic horror theme could go even further? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gothic_fiction

Sorry for not sending the gift points right after I entered. Real life sometimes crashes into my on-line life.

Here you go.

Alice
78
78
Review of Wind and Darkness  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for entering.
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I like the title.

You have some formatting issues.


This has never happened before, the car just stopped working, there's no reason for it not to keep going.

working; there's





"So? You know the problem?", asks my friend?

problem?" asks

No comma is needed.


"No, no clue. Everything looks perfectly fine.", I reply.

fine," I


I think you need greater motivation for the person to start walking.

I feel the friend needs a name.

I turn around and reluctantly start walking down the street.

This is the start of a new paragraph.



Just my luck that the car decided to break down around this area, it's creepy as hell.

area; it's

There's pretty much no life whatsoever, it's practically silent.

whatsoever;

After about 45 minutes

New paragraph.

Extremely nervous, I go up and knock on the door, no answer.

door. No answer.


Again, then I hear noises on the other side of the door.

What does again mean here?


An old man, around 60 years old answers the door.

You do not need to say both old and his age.


He looks emaciated, he's totally bald, and one of his eyes doesn't seem to work anymore.

He looks emaciated, bald, and one of his eyes doesn't seem to work anymore.


I tell him about what happened and he says that he could take a look, though apparently he doesn't have a car. He doesn't look like he'd be able to walk all that far but it didn't seem to bother him.

It is too bad you did not show this.

The entire way back is practically silent but there was one thing that the man said. It really worried me.

From this line on you go from present tense to past. Pick on or the other.


"Bad place to break down, young man. Around here the darkness moves, the wind talks, you better hurry on your way."

Great line.


The inside of the car was entirely caked with blood and there was no sign of life whatsoever.

blood, and


Then a noise came from behind me,

Start of a new paragraph.


Then a noise came from behind me, when I looked the old man was dragged into the forest so fast that I could hardly follow the movement.

me. When

was being dragged


Then the words of the man came true, the darkness moved, the wind spoke.

New paragraph.

true;

moved;

I would cut: Then the words of the man came true.


I fell to my knees at this corruption of reality, no sound would escape my lips.

sound could


A car alone on the side of the road, covered in blood, nothing else, except the darkness and the wind.

Great line. However, there needs to be more of a transition from it to what came before.


Over all there is some really nice lines. This comes natural. All the other stuff are things you can learn.


Alice
79
79
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for entering The Curiosity Shop.
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Your tale has been awarded FIRST PLACE.


As your prize, you may have one of the following:

A ribbon, any color

A merit badge for: writing or fantasy

10,000 gift points.




Let me know.


Alice
80
80
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for entering The Curiosity Shop.
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Here is your review.



Love the title.

The graphic is a nice touch.

Wonderful hook.



I was wondering around the streets of the old town, that I was vacationing near.

I wondered around the streets of the old town that I was vacationing near.



The rain had been a constant on my trip. Only breaking for a few minutes at a time until the day, I headed to the Airport to leave.

These seem to contradict each other.

"Airport" should not be capitalized.



The shop was homey. The isles crowed. It was like looking into your grandmother’s attic. The feelings of home intensified when I saw the shopkeeper’s grandmotherly appearance. I think she told me her name was Alice. The other thing that set me at ease was the fact that Alice had a cat. Abby, was the black cats name and it brought my cat Jake to mind.

The way the sentences are of different lengths, makes for a more enjoyable read. I really got a feel for the place and I did not find the description over baring. Good job.



When I got home from work that day, Jake was no-where-to-be-found.

I think this should be on its own.



One who if I had to say looked as though he were a Medicine Man?

This line does not work the it is.


{b]I screamed and woke myself up.

I think this is the start of a new paragraph.


The man had reached down and put the blood in some odd sort of pattern on my stomach, and it felt my skin was burning.

This line is off.


When I was about to leave, before I turned off my light in my bedroom I noticed that one of the dark feathers had wrapped around one of the outer white feathers.

bedroom, I


At work, my mind kept wondering back to bits and piece of the dream.

I think you could remove this line. It is not needed.


She smiled at me as she laid the towel

I think this is the start of a new paragraph.


Before I could drift back into that blissful state I heard a voice that seemed to bring out every ounce of anger in my entire body.

I think this should be the start of a new paragraph.

state, I heard


The thing that had taken control and I, screamed in pain.

The comma is in the wrong place.


Solid idea here. I like a lot of what you have done here. There are couple of things that held it back for me. I think the story could have been streamlined more and made better by not being the first person. As a first person POV goes, this wasn't bad.


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Alice
81
81
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Here is a review. I hope you find it not only helpful for this one story, but when you review others work.




The title: A Special Gift

Not bad. However hot a huge wow factor either.



Formatting needs work: You have a tendency to group blocks of dialog together.



It seems that you are an American, so my eye to spelling and grammar will look that way.




Opening paragraph: You establish the main character and give a clear setting. However, I have some issues with it.

It is not much of a hook.

Hank Matthews stood outside the church office watching as people processed by, shaking hands with the pastor.

"processed" is used incorrectly:

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/processed

I think you meant, "proceed", although that does not seem right either.

Perhaps: Hank Matthews stood outside the church office watching people go by, shaking hands with the pastor.

I might go for something more colorful: Hank Matthews stood outside the church office watching the lumps of people go by, shaking hands with the pastor.

. He held the not-so-prestigious position of church treasurer in charge of counting the weekly collection. He had just finished the count, and stood there to wait on his wife coming out of the sanctuary. He smiled and greeted many in the congregation as they shuffled by. He enjoyed doing God’s work behind the scenes, and if he had his preference – he would do it completely anonymously.

This group of sentences all start with the same word. This bogs down the prose and makes the writing not as diversified or dynamic as it might be.

He held the not-so-prestigious position of church treasurer in charge of counting the weekly collection. After he finished the count; he wait on his wife to come out of the sanctuary. He smiled and greeted many in the congregation as they shuffled by. God’s work, even behind the sense was enjoyable, and if he had his preference – he would do it completely anonymously.



Ms. Schwartz, a slight, white haired lady of 82 years, stood patiently in line when she broke away and toddled toward Hank. Hank watched her with great interest, as this was quite unusual for her not to greet the pastor. She approached with a gleam in her eyes, like the wonderment of a child about to meet Santa Claus.

I feel you do a good job here. She seems rather child like.

My one small concern would be, the last line. It is not as fresh as it could be.



“Hello, Hank.” Ruth stated in her usual elderly stutter.

Hank," Ruth

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

Good description here.


She had a slight speech impediment from a stroke a few years ago. Except for the stutter, she was not hard to understand.

I am unsure what you mean by the second line here. What else could make her hard to understand other than the stutter? I think the line should be cut or combined.

A slight speech impediment from a stroke a few years ago, did not make her hard to understand.


Hank’s curiosity was certainly piqued, and he smiled down at her from his six-foot-three-inch frame.

I do not think you need to tell us again that he was curios about her.


“Oh, you have. Well, that is wonderful. What is the special occasion?” Hank inquired.

You do not need the dialog tag.


Then she patted her purse, and smiled.

You could remove "then".

I think the old lady is where the real story starts. This has my wanting to know more.



Hank was stunned by the words she had just spoken.

Please consider removing: by the words she had just spoken.




“You already have, my dear,” then she held out her hand and touched Hank’s, then cradled it with her other hand with such loving care.

dead. Then


Hank was silent. He felt the absolute warmth of the woman in front of him, and in pure befuddlement was simply speechless.

You SHOULD NOT keep telling us the same thing.


Hank smiled broadly as he helped Ruth into the waiting vehicle.

You repeat yourself here also.


Good idea to this. The flow is slow and could be improved.

The ending was great. Had it not been for this, I would have rated this lower.

You could easily improve this and your other writing by keeping a few things in mind. How can any of improve until someone takes the time to really point what we can improve and show some of what we do right.



I am giving you a three. I can see why others gave you higher, but there is a lot of room for improvement.


Alice
82
82
Review of Mary's Fourth  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations!
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Your tale has been selected as the best.

Your prize of five thousand gift points is included.

Your tale will also be considered for the end of the month's grand prize.



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Alice
83
83
Review of Star Mail  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

We are in the same group, Let's Publish.

I love the title. It is why I picked it.

I think some of what is holding this back might be that it is written in the present tense.

The story feels as if it written for a younger audience. If so, you met your mark. I think this largely comes for the description. Some of this is also because you have a ten year in the story.

The opening paragraph is fine for a YA, but if your goal is for a broader story than you should look at your opening paragraph, which to comes across as telling and showing. To give you an idea:

Henry Davis walked into Washington Elementary’s auditorium, past baking soda volcanoes, potato batteries and paper air plains. In the very back, he placed a small houseplant in a wooden box. Metal plates line all the inner sides. The door that had a camera mounted on it is closed. A small group stops to watch and began to explain his experiment.

I would also like for you to give a reason as to why it appeared different form the other experiments. I've been some grade school science fairs and a plant in a box is not that far out there.


He tells his audience, “This is an experiment in Kirlian photography. It is totally dark inside the box.

You do not need the dialog tag.

You should explain Kirlian photography is. I know you do as the story goes on but the experiment appears to be about Kirlian photography and only taking a three diminutional picture of a plant. Also, how is printed out?


You might do well to say a bit more about the folks who are asking question than, "a member of the audience."

Why on Earth would they be so concerned if a plant was hurt. Big deal I say.

Why they would award him something right when they were there and not after they have gone through everything and compared notes. I also find it odd he would not know who the judges were.

It is not easy to earn a ribbon; that is what makes them worth something, and this is not exactly a mainstream experiment.

experiment."


The way he calls him son all the time makes the dialog sound unnatural.


Birthday parties can be a little unique for an only child.

I object to this line. There is nothing unique for an only child's birthday than one who has brothers and sisters, other than they haven't any.


Many of Henry and his dad’s friends are geeks and nerds.

So married a science geek and dislikes them? What an unhappy marriage.


They way you have everyone saying each other's name as they speak, sounds stiff.


I really do not think you need to start at the science fair. I think it takes far too long to get to the meat of the story.


There seems to be a lot of explaining and not enough showing of how things work.


“I don’t know, ma’am.

Ma'am.


I am sorry to say that the story did not do very much for me. I felt the characters were out of a 50's Sci-fi movie and not real.

I thought the idea wasn't bad. I like the faraday cage, trees and speaking to other worlds. But journey of the story was only okay.


I wish I had better advice. I am sure a story of this length is something you really loved.

Alice
84
84
Review of Mary's Fourth  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.com. I am honored that you were inspired by my contest.

Please note that I will read everything again after this round of the contest has closed.

Please feel free to ignore my suggestions.

I like the title.



So this is what it's comes to. He thought as he brushed the last of the dirt from Mary's coffin.


'So this is what it's comes to,' Bill thought as he brushed the last of the dirt from Mary's coffin.




I've come full circle. I've gone from a respected professor of archeology to this; a grave robber.

'I've come full circle. I've gone from a respected professor of archeology to this-- a grave robber.'



He hated the job title but in the end that's exactly what he was doing.

title, but


When you get right down to it grave robbing is what all archeologists do.

it, grave




He was in the antique business now.

Bill was


Mary Shelley had had a difficult journey from cradle to coffin.

Great line.


Mary had kept the heart wrapped in a silk handkerchief then in several layers of paper; pages of her dead husbands poetry.

paper,


The heart was said to have been buried with Mary along with a notebook containing writings that had eventually become part of the final version of her famous novel, Frankenstein.

Mary,


The casket featured a two-door lid which allowed the top half to be opened for viewing.

lid,


Bill thought of these lids as dutch doors for the dead.

Dutch


At least he thought it was his heart.

I feel the line as is, cheapens this. You could say this in a different way.


Behind him a gray hand with fingers too long to be human reached for his collar.

I think you should try an allude to whose hand this is. Is it Mary's or her fourth child.



This has makings for something great.



I hope to read many more things from you!


Alice
85
85
Review of The Wind  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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I think the title is a little lackluster.

The formatting looks good.



The opening paragraph is good also.

The wind gusted gently outside, rustling the leaves of the hundred year old maple trees surrounding the cottage.

I think this is the start of new paragraph.


The wind came and went, whispering, insisting, rhythmic and forceful. Breath in, and the silence was deafening, the anticipation excruciating. Breath out, the windows rattled, the structure creaked, and the voices sighed relentlessly, intimately, as if sharing a special secret that only they could know.

Great!


She stared in fascination at the blood which coated the blade; her hands; her clothing.

blood,



I thought this was very nice. The only thing you might also do to include some names.


Alice
86
86
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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The wind is all that remains.

The Wind is all that Remains


The wind is singing its endless songs of the days long gone and past joys and sorrows that will never be again.

gone, of past



By the way, First Ones disappeared completely after their final, terrible blow

I think this would be stronger if you were to remove: "By the ways,".



Nooooooo…it doessssssn’t…. wind howls through the living tubes miles long which crawl through the swamps of twisted matter, looking for tasty pockets of the tiny black holes.

No, it doesn't.... Wind



I think this is written over all rather well.


I hope you find new inspiration in the up coming round as well.



Alice
87
87
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank you for entering.
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I like the idea of a journal.

I wish there was a little more here. Such as, how the wind kills, you mention treasure at the end of the story but I think you could give more about this too.


These were my thoughts as I arrived here:

One month after my arrival:

Six months of being here:

I think these would have worked better as dates.


A thought occurred to me that it was almost so cold that it could pierce your very flesh and leave you pleading with Mother Nature to have mercy.

A thought occurred to me, it was almost so cold it could pierce your very flesh and leave you pleading with Mother Nature to have mercy.


I could not believe myself that I asked for the assignment.

What kind of assignment?



A howling creature lurking just beyond my visions grasp, one I never knew existed.

A howling creature lurks just beyond my vision's grasp, one I never knew existed.


Of that group I am the only one still alive, I have even outlived the dogs.

only survivor; I have


I know you perhaps think this cold and solitude has gone to my brain.

Perhaps you think this cold and solitude has gone to my brain.


I am sure your'e asking why?

you're


The top was all that you received in the mail.

I am so lost here. The top of what?



There is NO treasure here anywhere. You know the verse in the bible there is a time and a place for everything. It did not lie. The howling creature that is waiting outside that will kill you is The Wind.

I'm lost here too. What treasure? How is that connected to the bible verse? How is it connected to the creature?



There is NO treasure here anywhere. You know the verse in the bible there is a time and a place for everything. It did not lie. The howling creature that is waiting outside that will kill you is The Wind.

If it is hunting, why would it warn you? Perhaps it is protecting something?


There is a nice creepy story here, but it is not clear enough yet. I am sure with a tad more work you will have a chilling tale.


I hope you find further inspiration in up coming round as well.


Good writing to you,

Alice
88
88
Review of Consumed  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Thank you for the great tale. I hope you find new inspiration in up-coming rounds as well.

I hope you did not toss the other monkey zombie story. I think you have an epic story begging to be told.

The prize of 5000 gift points is sent along with this.

Your story will also be grouped with next month's winners and be in the running for a bigger prize.


Alice
89
89
Review of Consumed  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for entering.
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Here is your review.




One word titles tend to not stick out and are distinctive.

Word count is good.

Formatting looks to be spot on.

Good setting. Good description. Good plot.


I’m cracking, my legs aren’t moving and I'm asking them to but they’re not goin. They’re not goin, brother.

I tied looking up "goin" and got no where.


the words tattooed in his speech.

GREAT!



It’s head was cracked open at the side, revealing decayed pink tissue.

Its

http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/...



Man you sure can write.

I hope to see you in other rounds. I mean that.



Alice
90
90
Review of Faded Fears  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.com.

Here is my review.


I like the title.

The formatting looks good.




I hear my heavy breathing, I smell the dirt and trees, I see darkness.

Please consider:

I hear myself breathing heavily. I smell the dirt and trees, I see darkness.

I would say what kind of trees. I think this would only add in allowing the read become part of the story.


My freind is hidden in the trees, pleading for my help.

friend


I can't go.

I feel this is too vague. Do you mean to flee or go up the tree or go to help?



Like a narrator in a movie, my thoughts leave my body as I move into the darkness.

I thought this line was great.


As I walk toward the darkness I realize that my phobias are not the things I really fear most; are not my greatest fears.

I think not saying what the phobias are, makes this line incomplete.



The depths af the darkest night turns to light.

of

Good line here also.



The bugs that feed off of dying flesh are just another way of life.

My problem with this is that if you are dead, how can you say any of this. Plus there is no sign of a time shift. To me this is bad Point of View and weakens the prose.


I wake up from a blast of light stabing my eyes.

stabbing

I find the ending weak. I find it very unclear.



I feel that you show a lot of promise and I am sure that with some more knowledge that comes from work you will become an even better writer.

I liked it but it has issues that hold it back for me. Please do not take my low rating to mean I do not think you can write. I do. But it holds too much promise to allow me to rate this generously.

Should make any changes and let me know, I will be happy to return, read again and change my rating. Please ask if you have any questions.


Good writing to you.

Alice
91
91
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
> <i>
Congradulations! Your tale has been awarded Honorable Mention in
> The Curiosity Shop of 8/09.
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Your award of a thousand gift points is on its way.

I hope to see you in other rounds!


Thank you for the tale!

Alice
92
92
Review of The Door  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello to you,

I thought I would review something form a blue case and I found you. Plus I know you have read stuff of mine.

The title is a lackluster.


There was a litter or two of piglets to watch and young calves to run with through the pasture.

I think a small cut would make this a tad better. Please consider changing it to this:

Two of piglets to watch and young calves to run with through the pasture.


Other than that a good opening paragraph.



Grandma’s was a two-story, rambling farmhouse with multiple bedrooms.

The way this is sturtured Grandma is t tow stories tall.

Grandma’s farmhouse was two-stories that seemed to ramble on.



The first door on the right at the head of the stairs was not only closed, but also locked, as we discovered early on when we tried to explore it.

I am not sure you can explore a door. You can explore what is behind it.



She always said, ‘No.’

"No."


We could hardly wait for the morning so, long after the house was silent, we lay whispering about what we might find.

morning, so long


Pressing our ears against the wood, we determined the music indeed came from inside that room. But from where?

I think you should remove: "But from where." It seems like a silly question. The room that is behind the door.



Taking turns peering through the keyhole, I saw nothing but the far wall with a full moon smiling through the window.

Far wall of the barn or the house?


The next day, when Grandma went to the garden to gather vegetables for dinner, we followed Josh out to the back porch.

I think you need to give this action some motivation.


I think there needs to be something before the epilog. Like how the rest of the summer went and them going home.



My Grandmother apparently couldn’t accept the fact that her gentle son was gone and, for the rest of her life, had kept his room ready, awaiting his return.

grandmother


Why do you have the cave? You did not do anything with.


I hope you found this review helpful and know that I read it and I thought about what I read.


Alice
93
93
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
And remember,
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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.

I've seen things that might be considered poetry but are squished together in the formating of a paragraph. For me, it makes it harder to comprehend.

Ellipses are ...

The theme is nice.



Alice
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94
94
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
And remember,
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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.

This was so much fun. I would not change a single thing about it.

Alice
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95
95
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Here is my advice: keep this as is. Do not change it. After all you got a publisher interested in it.

I would also write a mirror version of it and try some new things out. I would send him both first couple of chapters and see which way he wants to go and listen to him.

Here is my best advice. Keep in mind I have sold four short stories this month.

I do find your idea interesting. I feel that it your idea that is your real jewel.

The more I think about it more I feel you should take another look. Unless he only asked for a quick polish, of basic work on grammar and small things like that. However I think he wanted you to take this to the next level. This is difficult to say without reading his feedback.




Are you sure you mean "Prelude"? Is this instead a prologue?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prologue


The opening paragraph is fine but I must tell that it is something I have read many times before, although, considering that you already have a publisher interested it may be a mute point.


The little white house at the end of Maple Avenue was the only thing coming to life with its occupants.

I can say the same thing about this line too. Also I find it hard to believe that out of the whole town they are the only ones stirring unless there is a spell of some kind.



Anita switched on the lamp beside their bed. "What's wrong honey?"

I think "their" could be more clear.


I think where the wake is the place to start with this line:

“Anita my darling.” Alex looked at his wife of a hundred years. “The time has come. Please can we discuss this over coffee? I am afraid we have a very long day ahead of us.”

With that in mind, consider this:

Alex looked at his wife of a hundred years. (who lay in beside him. The sun begun to rise over the town of Elmgate, a storm brewed on the horizon. No birds welcomed the morning, or breeze brought the scent of the new day to the residents. The animals stayed in their shelters. “The time has come. We need to talk. Coffee? I am afraid we have a very long day ahead of us.”

To me you say what you did but in more concise way and in a more interesting way.




“Yes dear.” Anita threw on her robe and headed to the kitchen.

"threw" indicates quick action. I think she is older and does seem to be in a rush.



“Damien. It’s your grandfather; I need you to come over right away.

If I did the last time, I was wrong. (I would change this in both copies.)

“Damienit’s your grandfather.I need you to come over right away.



“Grandfather, What time is it?”

what


She was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on.

I think what you express here is important but I have read this a thousand times. Part of finding your own voice is saying something that many have already but in a different way. I try and reflect what is going on in the story.

She was an ethereal creature, one who had chosen to share her life with him.



Her once long blonde hair had turned to white. Her once smooth pale skin was now wrinkled with age. The only thing about her looks that hadn’t changed was her mint green eyes. They still made his legs turn to jelly when she looked at him. Age had not taken away her beauty, it just increased the love he felt for his witch.

I think before this you more of a connection.

Even with the passage of many seasons her beauty still lingered. Now, they were in the winter of their lives. Her once long summer hair had turned to white winter. Once smooth. pale skin was now wrinkled with experience. Her mint green eyes still made his legs turn to jelly when she looked at him. Age had not taken away her beauty, it only increased the love he felt for his witch.

One other change I think needs to be looked at: "his witch" although I know you mean this in a sweet way, I think it shows owner ship. Maybe... his companion. You do not need to say she is a witch here, you do so in your next line.


“Prepare a place for Damien. He shall be joining us in about ten minutes.” He released her.

He seems to have a lot of power over her. If that was not your intent, please consider:

"Damien shall be joining us in about ten minutes.” He released her with a kiss.



“Damien, but he never gets out of bed before seven in the morning. What’s going on Alex?” she asked worriedly.

“Damien,? But


“I will tell you everything after Damien arrives. I would really like to explain it to both of you at once. Trust me, it won’t be long.” Alex kissed his wife. “After I tell you everything I need to call the rest of the Watchers, and have everyone put on alert.”

I think you should cut: Trust me, it won't be long."

Also, if you have the kiss before this have him pat her hand or caress her arm instead.

everything, I


Anita looked at her grandson. Still as handsome as ever.

Anita looked at her grandson. She thought, 'Still as handsome as ever. '



‘Someday this man is going to catch the eye of a worthy woman.’ She thought to herself.

woman,' she


You need to have his grandfather at the table for him to join him.


If there were any other way I would have waited.

I do not think you need this.


Unfortunately time is of the essence.

A little well-worn.

Every moment that passes we must make us of.



It had a wrap around porch, and on that porch sat a luxurious woman with hair the color of a warm fire.

I do not think "luxurious" is right here.


As I was waking I heard her speak,” he ended solemnly.

You need to say what she said.

waking,


“How will I know when it is her though. Also why is she so important?”

though?

I'd cut: Also.



Why wouldn't the grandson know the prophecy?



“Alex dear.” She was looking out the window as the wind began to blow.

Out the window, the wind began to blow.


She could not bear to look at them as she said this. “My powers are weakening.

this:



That is it.

Alice














,
96
96
Review of A Darkest Sleep  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)

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Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.

Congradulations on the ribbon. Aren't they nice.

Formatting looks great.

I like the title.

I read close to a 20 poems a week. So after awhile you get feel for something that is not the same old thing. It is clear to see why you were awarded.


Alice
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Review of Dark Ink  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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“Ok, you are free to go, but don’t even think about leaving town.”

"OK,

"Okay,


An interesting presentation with the use of the different colors and fonts.


I like the idea of the tattoo attaching itself to him. At least I think that is how it got there.


Alice
98
98
Review of Enough is Enough  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I would have liked capitals, but hey, it is a poem.

The formatting looks good.

I like the title.

The cadence and rhyme worked well.


and with that, haha, with that, we dispart...

"dispart"?

You carried out your theme well, however I do not see how it relates to "And Still I RIse".

Alice
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Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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My name? Well, it used to be Rose. I was born in the Earth year 3045. I know it sounds impossible. However, it is true. Several things in the future are far different. In order for my story to be clear, I must explain a few of these. First, we use a form of communication, and viewing that is called a Halo, or Halo graphic is similar to holographic or a 3-D rendering, communications and viewing devices. These can be prerecorded or they can be instant communications.

My name? Well, it used to be Rose. I was born in the Earth year 3045. I know it sounds impossible. However, it is true.

Several things in the future are far different. In order for my story to be clear, I must explain a few of these. First, we use a form of communication, and viewing that is called a Halo, or Halo graphic is similar to holographic or a 3-D rendering, communications and viewing devices. These can be prerecorded or they can be instant communications.

These resemble a flying saucer on the outside. That is where the resemblance ends.

Something to think about: there are lots of different kinds of "flying saucers". You may wish to added just a tad more detail to this, such as: a classic ...

Also, since no knows what the inside of a flying sauce looks like, saying that is where the resemblance ends, isn't really telling us anything.


On the inside, it is much like an apartment.

On one inside,


Our furniture adapts and changes as we wish it to even disappearing into the sides of the room flat with the surface of the walls.

to, even


I think this should be made a little more clear by using an example. We do have windows. The view is often undesirable and we can switch these to display pictures instead of showing the outside scenery.


“Thank you.” I looked at the odd assortment of items in the shop. The selections of items were from every time and place imaginable. Real silk flowers in bloom from the Canteker sector, a NASA patch from ancient Earth, a porcelain statue and many other items too numerous to name. I continued browsing until a collection of origami captured my attention. There were three pieces: a frog, a swan and one that kept changing, folding and refolding itself. Each piece had a separate price and I could only afford two of them. Since I collect frog simulations, I had to get that one. The swan was elegant, so I decided to get that one as well. I knew that the company would have to have the third origami piece, so I decided to wait until my next halo conference with the senior staff.

“Thank you.” I looked at the odd assortment of items in the shop. The selections of items were from every time and place imaginable. Real silk flowers in bloom from the Canteker sector, a NASA patch from ancient Earth, a porcelain statue and many other items too numerous to name.

I continued browsing until a collection of origami captured my attention. There were three pieces: a frog, a swan and one that kept changing, folding and refolding itself. Each piece had a separate price and I could only afford two of them. Since I collect frog simulations, I had to get that one. The swan was elegant, so I decided to get that one as well. I knew that the company would have to have the third origami piece, so I decided to wait until my next halo conference with the senior staff.


I had my doubts when I started the tale, but you won me over.

Almost a 4.5, I think if you had done a little less on the Sci-fi, and more of what was in the last 1000 words or so. Not that the SF was bad, but I thought the second half was stronger.

Alice
100
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Review of The Trees  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I think the title, while fitting, is a little blah, and could be made to fit your story even more.

I found no errors in the way of: spelling, grammar, or formatting.

I this this was easy to read and well plotted.

I hope you find more inspiration in the next round as well.

Alice
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