Dear Lyricist_85 ,
How did I come across your piece?
While I was checking my email, this item popped up in the left hand side of the screen, as a reviewer item. This means that you have been doing some reviews yourself, and I am glad to be able to return the favor to you.
I hope you can gather some useful information from the review, even if it is just to find out whether or not I enjoyed reading your piece. Remember, I am but the reader, the story is yours and you alone can decide if anything should be altered. I can merely offer my advice and opinions on what I am reading. My intentions are pure, to never do harm, only offer my view.
Thoughts and expectations from the title:
The title is strong. It in and of itself is what drew me to the poem. I was wondering what a boy, had to do with isolation. Was this going to be about an outcast or someone who is alienated by peers? I simply had to delve deeper.
How do I feel about the placement of the poem and why?
Not many authors, or readers, give much thought to placement or alignment, when it comes to poetry. It is my thought that something as simple as where or how you place a poem on the page, can add to its imagery. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all the lines are askew, based upon the character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal feelings on the subject, and not all will agree with this. Though, it does give one something to consider.
That being said, I feel this would be better off centered down the page, to show the chaos reigning about. Though this reads like a song to me, and how fitting, since I later discovered your handle had to do with lyrics
Punctuation or lack thereof?
Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally, I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece, but only if this is written for a poem, and not a song. With a song, I would know nothing about how to use the punctuation.
Poetically: Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.
For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice, and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is the direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't, to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.
How do I feel about the spacing, of the verses?
It appears to me as if this document were perhaps copied and pasted from a word document, and you have the preserve spacing option selected. Each line has a double space, adding extra air and space for the mind to wander on the page. This is a bit distracting for the reader. I would suggest going back in and tightening up each verse. Put a single space in between each verse, and no air between the lines in a verse. I feel this would tighten up the poem and bring it together better.
How did I feel after reading this poem?:
I was a bit confused each time I read this. At first, I thought this was about a child and abuse, or neglect, but the reference to soldiers tears me away from that relation. Then the quest for a selfless being didn't seem to fit with the scars, unless this was a heart broken. Which, a heart could be broken by neglect. I could feel the deep dark depression setting in as chaotic feelings set in, spiraling out of control, until one can do nothing else but huddle in the corner.
Thoughts on the ending:
Rather than a poem, I feel this is more of a song. There are a few parts that don't fit for me, and that is with multiple readings. I do feel that the refrain sums up well the feelings of being lost and confused, not sure what is up or down, which way to turn or where to go.
Outstanding questions or issues:
Verse two line two: I felt was missing a word. To me, the line should have an addition, making it Bymindless trauma
Third verse, last line: I felt that the last word should be within instead of in.
Fourth verse: I found this confusing, and I am not sure if it is the use of there, should be they'reas in they are, in speaking of the ruins of life, or if it was the verse itself, the voice eluded me.
Sixth verse: I didn't find the correlation in this verse...
profound~ to have deep insight or understanding:
So not having deep insight and understanding, I can follow, but not in relation to the last line, about troops stationed in Iraq, what is the relationship, it is confusing.
If indeed the boy of the poem is a soldier, then is he a boy, or a man, since you are an adult at 18 by most standards, and in the military what differentiates a boy from a man?
I think, if this is about being a soldier, than some other mention or referencing needs made toward the beginning of the poem to tie it together.
My overall thoughts:
Overall, this is a very well written song. That is my final decision, this is a song and it has a great refrain, though I think it should end with within...
I was able to capture the feeling of a deep sorrow, not regret, but confusion. Feeling like you don't belong, and yet, searching for that place within that has a spark to light your way. Sometimes we have to fall long and hard to find our way back up. I feel this is the beginning of such a fall.
I couldn't see the full picture of the poem for it had a few places that were troubling for me, as in the soldier relation to the song. Though maybe I just need to confer a bit with the author in order to see the full picture.
Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts and views, I did like the song, and think it holds great merit.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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