honey," I said,
but I don't have enough money to...you need to re-open the quotation marks in front of 'but'
but he seemed lost in his own world, and didn't seem to notice....the two uses of 'seem' in this sentence threw me off, though I'm not certain what other word could be used here.
since he didnt seem to be a danger...didn't
your daughters class was out...daughter's
Shannon say it, and went after...saw instead of say
little girl, make a rather remarkable...little girl made a rather remarkable...
This is a wonderful and heart wrenching story. You ahve done a great job of showing emotions and a little cleaning up of the grammar will turn this into a 5.0 in a heartbeat (no pun intended!) Keep up the great work!!
This piece has a beautiful sentimentality and message to it. I love how you incorporated the Bible, Church theology, and personal emotion within the piece to create a whole that makes sense on many levels.
The one thing I think could be tweaked a little to make this piece move up the small margin from almost refined (to borrow a word from you!) to completely refined, is for you to add a few commas here and there to aid the reader in finding the flow you wanted for the piece.
Wow! The use of color here is very well done and adds to picture you are painting quite wonderfully. Your word art is amazing in this piece and I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
I have nothing bad to say about this piece. You have taken an age old form of poetry and created a simple, depressing, and too true account of winter. I enjoyed the simplicity, yet deep meaning of the piece.
While I always find incredibly short pieces, such as this one, a trial to review, I have to say that you have done a good job in showing your emotions with this piece. You have also managed to draw the reader into the breathless anxiety of the endlessness of time that you depict. In my humble opinion, very good job!
I like this piece a lot, but it seems a little strained to me. I don't know if it is the way the words have been placed together, or the rhyming words themselves, but something there is telling me that this poem was pushed out of you instead of allowed to ease itself out.
However, the piece itself is well done. I like the mental image of the pianist that you created for us, as well as the use of 'susurrus-song'
“No, it’s alright...According to the Encarta Dictionary 'alright' means 'in a pleasant way, pleasantly' while 'all right' means, 'ok', so I think you mean 'all right' here (these two words are very difficult to keep strait, I always find myself looking in the dictionary when I use them ;p)
need to baby sit my sister.”...babysit
talk, laughter and gossip...I believe there should be a comma after 'laughter'
Mabel started to squirm and cry in her sleep, and Skylie started to crawl...Since you used 'started' earlier in the sentence, I think that you should change the second occurance of the word to 'began' or some similar word.
She pulled herself back into bed and pulled her little sister close to her chest and rocked her until she stopped whimpering and fell back...In my opinion the first 'and' should be replaced with a comma.
Another very well done chapter. I look forward to reading more when the time comes that more is available to me. Please remember that these are merely my opinions and you may disregard any and all that do not appeal to you.
Vanessa Smith and the rest...comma after 'Smith' (in lists such as this, or any list, commas should seperate each item on the list. If the items are not separated by a comma the reader tends to skip through the bulk of the list and become confused).
although had been tidily patched up,...I think that there should be a 'they' here between 'although' and 'had'
I really hope you would come....I believe this should either be 'hoped you would come' or 'hope you will come'
trying to ask up the courage to ask a girl to dance....I think that the first ask should be changed to s omething like, 'scare'...i.e. 'trying to scare up the courage to ask...'
but not like you want to go with a girl like...I believe this should be 'but it's not like you...'
This is another good chapter. The characters are really starting to show me who they are and I like the conflicts that you are slowly weaving into the plot. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
“I pledge allegiance to the Monument of the Reminder of Civilization. And to the government, for which it stands, one peoples, under God, necessitated, to do the good at the city’s supplication.”....I like this twist on the Pledge!
This is a wonderful first chapter! I am very interested to learn more about Diana and its happenings. Keep up the great work!
scenes as beautiful, as from a play...I don't think you need 'from' here. I think this would flow wonderfully as "scenes as beautiful as a play"
Another wonderful piece. You flow well throughout the rhyme here, keeping the couplet quality while making it seem as if you have written a free flow piece. Good Job!
, singing flowers and buzzing...comma after 'flowers'
Absolutely gorgeous children's poem! This is a wonderful reminder to children, and adults, about the innocence and angelic qualities of children, even in today's society in which they grow up way too fast!
The willow branches sway gently in the wind,
as its roots dig deeper into Mother Earth....to me, it should be 'the willow's branches' instead of 'willow branches' because without the possesive form of the word, I envision several trees and the next verse "as its roots" narrows the number down to one Willow.
couple row their boat...I think that 'row' should be 'rows'
I'm still not sure that I like this poetry form, but you use it well. You managed to paint a beautiful picture here, and I could almost hear the geese and the rustle of willow branches as I read through it. Keep up the great work!
The rhyme scheme is off in this, although it does not in anyway take away from the beauty and love of the piece. I like that is short, and that you did so on purpose so that your children could memorize it and know always how much you love them!
The last stanza needs some work on its punctuation...I would put it as such (remember, this is my opinoin only):
Deep inside my spirit
the song of hope has a perch.
keeping me alive with its rhythm,
daily in my search.
That's not quite how I think it should be, but I"m gonna change your words around to suit myself, since I am not the poet in this case! lol, I'm so picky though, I probably wouldn't have liked it if I had written it, so you're ahead of me, since I love this piece!!
lonely soul who haunts these grounds...to me, 'who' should be changed to 'that'
There's evil spirits that are a bound,...to me it should either be 'that abound' or 'that are around'
This is a good mixture of the paranormal and spiritual, which many people don't believe can co-exist. You've done a good job of proving them wrong!
Keep up the absolutely wonderful work!
promoting and swaying disaster,...to me 'promoting and swaying disaster' seems to be saying that he promotes disaster. I think that placing a comma after 'promoting' would aid in the flow of the piece and take away from this misconception!
Good job! I know this had to have been difficult, but you did a wonderful job with it. I imagined SM as the Pirate Lord, with us all swabbing the decks below as we chanted the choruses!
Picnics, ice cream and watermelon...comma after 'cream'
This is a beautiful rendition of summertime. I could hear, see, and feel the sensations you speak of in the piece, which is a great accomplishment for a poem!
This is a great piece! There are some areas that could use another comma, but other than that, it is perfect! I love the piece, and the fact that Terry is tipsy is my favorite part!
You've done a great job here! Keep up the wonderful work and have a great day!
felt in love with her straight away...I believe 'felt' should be 'fell' or 'fallen' (I prefer fallen, but that's just my opinion)
Twitch should be capitalized throughout the piece because it is the name of the pup.
You need to place punctuation (like commas and periods) throughout the piece to aid the flow for the reader.
I think this piece shows promise, but needs a little work. I know how hard it is to think of the mechanics when writing a piece about a loved one, especially right after their death, so take some time and look back when its not so hard (Say, two or three years down the line...).
You don't know what I am going though...'through' instead of 'though'
the number on you are my...'one' instead of 'on'
Good message! I once again need to tell you that punctuation is the key here, place punctuation through the piece in order to let the reader know where to pause, stop, or move on.
don't understand is this
A this is a phase or...The 'this is' should be removed from the second line
The other day i saw you with
My Boyfriend but i forgave you
and I was told you sleeping with him..the 'i's should be capitalized and I feel like there should be a 'are, or were' between 'you' and 'sleeping'
Boyfriend other wise again...otherwise
This is a great way to rant about something! I find poems give you a good place to air out your problems in a literate form. Good Job, and if someone treats you like that they really aren't your friend to begin with. Take it from me, someone who has dealt with this a lot and had to learn the lesson over and over again, the hard way; if they do something like that to you, they just want what you have. Most of the time they let you do all the hard work and then take the credit or take it from you.
Wow, this recounting is amazing. I hope you've managed to finish fixing up the house!
The imagery and word choices you use throughout the piece serve wonderfully to show the readers what you went through. Keep up the great work!
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