The seperation of paragraphs is better in this piece, but you still need to work on punctuation.
dad which was over with me put me into there car but...'who' instead of 'which' and 'their' instead of 'there'
on Joshures fore head...Josh's forehead
You you mugles...muggles
uncle” “ I hope you...you don't need these quotation marks here. Just use the correct end punctuation for the sentence (period after 'uncle')
smart-Alick way...smart aleck
This is an interesting direction to take this story. I had never thought of Harry having a sibling, so it was dfinately something new for me to contemplate. I think if you go back through and read this (as well as your other pieces) as a reader instead of as the author, you will be able to spot the words that don't quite work as well in the piece, and the areas that need punctuation and grammatical changes.
Most of the piece is one long, run on sentence. You need to review this as a reader would, and place punctuation where each sentence should end. Also, there are several words that should be capitlatized (for example: i=I and disney land = Disney Land).
sun shinning in my...shining
nowhere replys to me "what...replies
"what whos there...who's
nervious and scared voice...nervous
until i answed the...answered
i answed,he answed in a very wierd...answered, weird
well i dont know dream makerif i chose bad...don't instead of dont; maker, if instead of makerif; and I believe it should be choose instead of chose.
eaten by a hurg, hiary, lion staring...huge, hairy
sceamed waiting for my knight in shinning armer...screamed, shining, and armour
at that the elifle tower"...Eiffle Tower
dubt it cause when i stood in...doubt
thats when i saw me...that's
sitting in my seat "unbalievabe...unbelievable
will reliese why i...realize
This is a great start, but I think it will be a wonderful and interesting story if you look back over it and edit a little bit.
not take things serous I toke it...'seriously' instead of 'serous' and 'take' instead of 'toke'
He is the precious...I think you need to include a 'most' between 'the' and 'precious'
thing is he sevived the cancer...I think that you need 'that' between 'he' and 'survived'
thing to say to every one else that...everyone
experienced cancer or even has a family or friend in this position stay positive and dont let the worse...comma after 'cancer' and : after 'position'
'don't' instead of 'dont'
fighter and always be there...either 'is' or 'will' after 'and' and before 'always'
I'm very Happy that your Pop survived cancer! My grandma is a five time survivor of breast cancer, so I know the feeling of helplesness the family goes through. Keep your chin up!
Ok, the first thing I see when I look at this piece is that you need to separate it into smaller sections so that the reader's eye does not skip around, as they have a tendency to do when the print is so bunched together.
but there was so much clouds...to me, this would sound better as 'were so many clouds' instead of 'so much clouds'
all of it self...itself
The first two sentence begin "It was a dark and silent night," and "It was finally morning," what happened in between? Why does the reader need to know what the night looked like if the story is placed in the daytime? I hope this makes sense, what I'm trying to say is that the first sentence does not seem to fit in with the beginning of the story and may need to be moved, or removed, in order to create a better understandable beginning to the story.
we could here we did...hear instead of 'here'
was too hard and difficult...hard and difficult mean the same thing, so you don't need both of them here or it becomes redundant.
there was no teachers...'were' instead of 'was'
then we herd a dog...'heard' instead of 'herd'
and piped in and there...piped? Is that like peeked in?
they saw were the howling...'where' instead of 'were' here.
window when you here Sam howl...'hear' instead of 'here'
nodded there head...'their' instead of 'there' and 'heads' instead of 'head'
This is a good start to a story. However, you need to add some punctuation, and correct the run on sentences. I normally space between dialogue and the rest of the story so that the reader isn't confused by the speaking parts (or at least, not trying to figure out if it is a speaking part).
My favorite part of this piece is that the students scared the teachers! I found that to be hilarious. Keep up the good work.
When I think about Gallipoli that
place made me cry...made should be 'makes' here, to keep in with the rest of the pieces present tense.
kids lost there dads and there...'there' should be 'their' in both occurances here
You only use one punctuation mark in this piece and that is at the end. I think that if you went back and added some punctuation to help the reader with the flow, this piece would be much easier to read.
I like the point of the poem, which is that the war was hoeeible. However, I think this needs a little work before it fulfills its true potential.
with the other hip she clutched her keys...comma after 'hip'
on her hip she leaned him against...comma after 'hip'
Finally taking a deep breath she straightened...commas around 'taking a deep breath'
have whimpered though the sound did not...I believe there should be a comma after 'whimpered'
Her heart in her throat she eased her...comma after 'throat'
was still asleep she fumbled for the door...comma after 'asleep'
WOW! A Great Chapter, I loved the twists here. I am wondering and straining to get to more. So I will just tell you to keep up the great writing, and Hope that you have a Wonderfully Happy Holiday Season!
Erin shivered, as his voice seemed to caress her and blushed as those...I believe that you need a comma after 'her'
Quite honestly he was at...I think a comma after 'honestly' to add a pause there would add dramatic intensity to the sentence that I believe would be wonderful.
of education while his casual style...comma after 'education' (I believe)
A young mother? The plot thickens! I look forward to learning more and seeing all of the twists and turns of the plot that I can feel coming on. Keep up the great work!!
took her breath away causing her already volatile tummy...comma after 'away'
register she blindly rang the ticket...comma after 'register' (I believe)
the lump in her throat she shrugged it off...I think you need a comma after 'throat' here
This is an interesting beginning. I like the characters, especially Erin. She seems to have a wonderful back story that I would love to get to know better. Ean holds power and I want to learn more about that as well. You've done a great job. Keep up the wonderful work!
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called Teddy who was four and a bit...I believe that there should be a comma after 'Teddy'
two big high mountains....comma after 'big'
sheep, chickens and ducks...comma after 'chickens'
stream of clear icy cold water babbling and...comma after 'clear' and (I believe) after 'water'
single tree, a not very nice looking tree left in the middle...comma after the second 'tree'
Christmas pudding.It was so nice they ate most...you need a space between the two sentences.
didn’t get this years one hundred wishes...year's
Then one night, when they had nearly fallen asleep they heard a gentle tapping at the window and there standing on the windowsill was their Fairy. They flung open the window nearly knocking him over...I think that the punctuation should be as follows:
Then one night, when they had nearly fallen asleep, they heard a gentle tapping at the window and there, standing on the windowsill, was their Fairy. They flung open the window, nearly knocking him over.
This is a wonderfully magical story! I love the Dogbit ending, by the way!
I think that my favorite part of the story was that you use such beautiful imagery to show the reader what is going on. Keep up the great work!
Happy Holidays!
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This is a wonderfully hilarious story that puts into perspective (for me at least) the meaning of Christmas. We shouldn't be trying to 'one up' the other denominations, or neighbors, but attempting to bring joy anf love to all.
My favorite part of this story has to be that the girl's choir was singing "Away in a Manger" after everyone has put up cribs with the Baby Jesus in them.
Great Work!!
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I love this story! You've done a great job with the prompt, and with introducing believable and likeable characters. In the short amount of space you used for the story, the reader becomes well acquainted with the characters and I hope that you create more stories centered around these delightful fairies.
The relationship between men and women are changing these days...I hate to pick at the grammar here, but should either be "relationships... are" or "relationship...is"
Sorry, I'm an English teacher! LOL. I have found though, that men are curious creatures and I have no preference on this poll because I usually have to make the suggestion (effectively asking them out) and then let them decide that its their idea!
The only thing that I see that might need work in this piece is the punctuation. Other than that, you have done a wonderful job in showing the reader your emotions, and allowing the relationship with your mother to peek through just enough. Keep up the grea work.
understand you are suffocating thee....did you mean 'me' instead of 'thee'?
(since 'thee' means 'you')
I do have to say (I bet you were waiting on this), that the piece needs tweaking for its punctuation. I also think the flow should be played with by moving around the line breaks.
However, you have done a good job showing the reader your emotions and allowing us to see the strained relationship between you and your mother. Keep up the Wonderful work!
I do want to comment on the lack of proper punctuation in this piece. However, the piece its self is exceptional in showing the reader you emotions and your move from "Queen Bee" to "Individual". I am glad that you have moved from the pressure of popularity to the ease of being yourself.
The flow of this piece feels really off to me, and I think it is the highly varied syllabic count in each line. Other than that, the only other thing I see that needs tweaking is, once again, your use of punctuation. Please feel free to e-mail me if you would like some help, or explanation, about anything I say!
I like the piece on the whole, which is why I'm giving you these suggestions. Anyway, I like the premise and voice of the piece, and think that you have a great start here. Keep up the wonderful work! Happy HOlidays.
This is a beautiful piece, filled to the brim with angst, and dulled anger at not be noticed. I understand the feeling and you've shown it very well. I only have one suggestion for this piece. You don't use much punctuation in this piece, but I believe that the use of more punctuation would move the reader along through the poem as you intended, controlling the flow of the piece more finitely.
All in all, I enjoyed this piece immensely. Keep up the great work!
This is a sad and moving tale of love for a woman who was not known well enough, yet known completely. You've done a good job of showing emotions and drawing the reader into your story. This is a wonderful example of how to make a song or poem tell the story you want within its movement. Keep up the great work.
picture I thought I was drawing...to me, this could end in a period and not lose anything in translation, or flow.
rocks hers.
.
...You have an extra period here that I really don't think you need.
This poem is confusing to me. I don't know exactly what you are wanting to get across to the reader, but I also like the way you've written. It seems to me that Momma is dead and the child has gone into some sort of mental oasis. However, I am not sure...lol. The mystery of the piece is appealing. You have done a good job here. Keep up the great work.
quickly opened the window all the while hoping he would take the hint and leave...comma after 'window'
I think that you are very blessed and lucky to have possums react to you this way. When I was younger I volunteered a few days at a Natural History musuem. Little Orphan Annie was a baby possum, not more than 3 weeks, whose mother had been run over by a trucker. The trucker brought her in and she lived in a terrarium in the kid's section. Each day that I was there, I was allowed to bottle feed her and play with her. I have wanted a pet possum ever since.
I found no grammatical errors...wait, let me check,..YUP! No commas to add in this one! lol. This is a very revealing, and fun, piece to read and I can just imagine how interesting it must have been to go through and decide what to write, and how to write it. I especially like that, although you have lost several people in your family, you don't angle for sadness or empathy here, just to let people know who you are and why you write. Keep up the Great work!
favourite gospel hymns her massive...comma after 'hymns'
She burst into the sitting room her chest heaving...comma after 'room'
“Ah, Max …. im so sorry. Maria whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. “So sorry Max ... here ,I will take her.”...Capitalize I'm (and include the apostrophe). You need end quotation marks after the first "sorry" and the comma after 'here' should be at the end of 'here' instead of ,I. i.e. "here, I will..."
He gestured for max to wait...capitalize Max
Max lowered Bella Down onto the ground..."Down' should not be capitalized here.
Max’s voice was shacking with emotion...shaking
all he replied .Max’s...The space here should be after the period, not before it.
make suer he was okay...sure
By the light of her torched she found her way to...torch
There at the foot of the tree lay max, curled...capitalize Max
careful not to shin the light directly in his eyes she inspected the grave...shine. Comma after 'eyes'
This is a beautiful and saddening piece, filled with the love of a family for their four-legged friend/member. You have done a wonderful job of showing the emotion throughout the piece, keep up the grea work.
Sorry, bud, but I don’t believe in any of that crap?”...is he asking his friend for permission not to believe in ghosts, or telling him that he doesn't believe in ghosts? The way I read it, the sentence should end in a period.
duya know...I think 'duya' should be 'do ya'
Then I heard a short scuffle on the hardwood floor and a couple of short screams. Then a…...The use of 'Then' twice is a little repetitve for me, perhaps something else can be used in its place.
This is a chilling tale of peer pressure, myths, and the terrible truth. You have done a good job of keeping the reader interested and terrified throughout this piece. Keep up the good work!
"creativity"--
(imagination; fueled by
utilizing the concrete "what is/reality",
and originating/concieving "what could be";
through the necessity of invention, and the vanity/pride that is a quality/act of "egoism",
and self-expression...I believe that you need a close parentheses at the end of this description, or to remove the parenthese all together.
also driven by the desires: pleasure, acceptence...acceptance
A great piece written in very evolved, educational language. This could definately be published in an educational journal. Keep up the great work!
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