This is a clever and humerous lyrical poem. You've done a great job with the meter and ryming of this piece. The only suggestion I have is to include more punctuation throughout the piece.
For example:
I amble when I'm able,
And I scramble to the table
If there's a big pot of beans.
When they're made with lots of bacon
My taste buds all awaken,
Just to get a bowl of beans.
And I'll have a roll with butter,
Just don't expect me to mutter
When my mouth is full of beans.
I hope this review has been helpful! Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
but had failed miserably, keeping this in mind, she took more notice of the area around her...I believe you need to break this into two sentences, placing a period after 'miserably' and capitalizing 'keeping'
light to go by was from the Full Moon that...I don't think that the "Full Moon" should be capitalized
The stars had already began to form...'begun' instead of 'began'
beside an ole' smelly...this is normally ol' instead of ole'
she was having a real hard time keeping...should be 'really' instead of 'real'
Because you killed my mother"!....the exclamation point should be inside the quotation marks.
This is a great short story. I really like the way you built suspense and brought the story together. Keep up the great work! Have a wonderful day.
Pounding, fighting, screaming
Gave way to nothing...I feel that there should be a comma after 'screaming'
There is only the blank void I live from now on...this sentence feels unfinished to me, I feel as if there should be a qualifier, such as 'in' or 'with' after 'live' to finish the thought of the sentence.
I think there sould be a period after 'Unblinking'
This is a disturbing yet beautiful piece. I can feel the pain and longing of the speaker, the ruthlessly pushed down hope. You've done a great job.
Keep up the wonderful work and have an amazing week!
This is wonderful! There are a couple of places that might benefit from a comma, or might not! I think this is a very well written piece that will make a child smirk, giggle, even smile. THe kids can be contemplative, and might even find a use to give. I love children's works and think you've done a great job here. Keep up the wonderful work!
They clatter loudly causing Frank to jump....comma after 'loudly'
The only other suggestion I have is for you to place quotation marks around the conversational parts, so that the reader isn't confused while going through the piece.
This is a great piece! Your descriptive terms really brought the graveyard to my mind's eye and the twist at the end was well played. Keep up the great work!
There are only a couple of things that I would like to point out to you that might need changing...
1) You are inconsistent with your rhyming scheme, the syllable counts change drastically and throw off the readers.
2) A few of the lines need some added punctuation at the end.
and
3) You change view in the middle of the poem, going from first person to second person, which changes the meaning and feel of the piece.
I know that seems like a lot, but really, the piece is a wonderful start and I liked it. I really like the line: I need a place to run, but my legs are far too short.
This is a great tool written by some fellow members of WDC: "Invalid Item"...you might want to either remove this, or change it to a valid item.
Although there are several instances of incorrect grammar throughout the piece, that can hardly be helped when so many people are addign directly into the forum.
All in all, I enjoyed this piece and think you've done a great job with the creation of a team written story. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
I waited motionless with tears still streaming...I think there should be another comma in this part of the sentence somewhere, but I can't make up my mind as to the exact placement.
This is an interesting piece! It brings to mind dreams I've had of my characters...they do get imapatient don't they?! You've done a really good job with this short, I always enjoy your work and this was no exception.
This is a beautiful piece that allows the reader to really feel your love of reading. My only suggestion is that you go back through and add punctuation throughout the piece. This way your readers will know where to pause or slow down so that the piece flows for them in the way it flows for you.
This piece is a well written attestation to your love of the written word. Keep up the great work!
This poem is wonderfully written, but I feel that the readers would be able to read the flow more easily with the addition of a few commas among the lines.
All in all, I think that this is well done and send my kudos to the author. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
I found no errors within the piece. This was a slightly humerous look at the bidding over a soul, but I believe that you have touched on this sensitive subject well. I can just imagine the angels and Beelzebub sitting in their desk chairs or on the couch, with the laptop comfortably settled while they type away in a war for a soul.
This is hilarious and many an older sibling will enjoy imagining these situations. My one suggestion would be to use punctuation at the end of each line. This models correct form for younger readers, as well as providing all of your readers a point of reference for speed and drama of the piece.
This is a great piece to keep students busy. I have been out of highschool too long to have remembered all of the answers, but it was really interesting to try. I hope your students like the crossword and appreciate how much time it takes to do something like that for them. Keep up the great work!
reached over and in one smooth movement she threw...commas around 'in on smooth movement'
grabbed up the roses and began...comma after 'roses'
Petals, leaves and thorns...comma after 'leaves'
“Um.m.m.m.m. don’t...you don't need periods between the m's here.
This is a nicely written short about a woman working through her anger. You've done a good job. I like that she beat the piano with the roses, an innefectual move that probably didn't release much sound but made her feel a mite bit better!
Please feel free to look over my portfolio and let me know what you think. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
She’d snuck out of the castle yet again to her secret thinking place...I believe that there should be commas around 'yet again'
She cold always dream....I believe that 'cold' should be 'could'
Naiya was full of curiosity about that door and was determined to slip away at the ball and find out what was behind the ivy-covered door...to me this sentence would sound better if you removed the second occurance of 'door' and changed it to something like, "Maiya was full of curiosity about that door and was determined to slip away at the ball to find out what was behind its ivy covering."
during dinner under King Felix’s...I believe that there should be a comma after 'dinner' here
Naiya ended up marrying Prince Gustavi of Italy, and they did end up loving each other. Wakanna only married because she was forced to. However, she did love her husband, Maximilian, after a few years of marriage....This section seems out of tune with the rest of the piece, like you rushed to put it in. In my opinion, the section before it that ends with "They called it “Round Dance,” but Naiya always knew of it as “The Dance of the Fairies.” is the perfect ending for the story and doesn't need the rest after it.
This is a well written short and I truly enjoyed reading it. Please remember that my suggestions were just that, suggestions. You should never change something in your writing unless YOU personally think it for the best.
Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
(by the way, why did you have to write this for band?)
This is a well written piece and I have only one suggestion for its betterment. This suggestion is that you look over the piece, find the areas in which words are repeated in close proximity of each other, and refresh the piece by changing some of the multi-use words to aid the flow of the piece.
This is a beautiful piece, but I have two suggestions. The first si that the beginning three stanzas don't have punctuation within them, and I think a well placed comma might help the flow out.
Secondly, you don't have a rhyme scheme going on except in the third stanza, which seems off to me. I think that if you switched one of the words that rhymes, the piece would flow more readily in that area.
took her in to she be spayed...the 'she' should be removed from this sentence.
Hilarious! I love that Millicent finally got her come-uppance. I also love that mom finally saw Milli's other side. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
his face totally pale...totally seems to be a slang word in this instance, although I'm not sure why (hehe). I think this sentence would sound better if the 'totally' was replaced with 'completely'
WOW! I really didn't see the twist of a child coming in there. Good work. I really enjoyed this piece and I wish it was longer so that I could know what happens to the characters. In fact, I think you should consider turning this into a novella!
letting his sweat on the back of his neck...the two uses of 'his' so close together bother me with the repetition, perhaps the first one could be changed to 'the'
From the corner of Connor's peripheral vision...isn't the peripheral vison the corner of your vision? Perhaps, 'from the corner of Connor's eye' or something similar would make more sense to me
as Chase neighed in victory as he tossed his...again, the two uses of 'as' bother me. Perhaps the second could be removed and replaced with, "victory, tossing his mane..."
I really liked this short piece, it is obviously well thought out and I can feel the emotions running through the rider as he urges his horse to victory.
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