The doors slid open he stepped on, just as any other morning...I think there should be an 'and' between 'open' and 'he'
unremarkable; he was 5”9, a bit tubby around the edges and at thirty-one already beginning to lose his hair...I believe this should be "unremarkable; he was 5'9", a bit tubby around the edges, and, at thirty-one, already beginning to lose his hair"
look younger then he was,...than
companies son...company's son
on the bus created by the elderly couple....comma after 'bus'
He met her at his aunts wedding....aunt's
attractive but still she began to love him...but, still, she began...
He didn’t.He walked...there should be a space between the two sentences.
day, showered picked up the...comma after 'showered'
This is a sad bit of life. You have done a good job with emotions here, and your writing flows well. Keep up the good work.
other nights drinking...here I think it should be "other night's drinking"
and assured her all would well...would go well? or perhaps, all was well?
In the very unlikely event we find them I will call...comma after 'them'
and run a zigzag course for another two hours...I think it should be 'ran'
You've done a good job in telling this story. One suggestion I have, though, is that many people may not know what S&W is, so you might want to describei the first time as Smith&Wesson (S&W) or S&W (Smith & Wesson) the first time you mention it.
Keep up the great work!
As a lad Father had been fascinated by those muscles He quickly discovered how an innocent, childlike question could bring forth a virtuoso display. ....There should be a period after 'muscles'
“I’ll make a bargain with you boy.” He said “ You been itchin’ to go a duck huntin’ with me and....You should have a comma instead of the period after 'boy' and a period after 'said.' and no space between quotation marks and 'You'
hunters in town if not the county...comma after 'town'
donated by Zeke Pinion who owned the sawmill and was humped...commas around 'who owned the sawmill'
By the time supper was over and Mother had a chance to digest some she allowed as how it might be...comma after 'some'
This is another great story! if you don't mind me asking, are these true? If they are, what time period are they set in? Keep up the great work.
Gulping down the knot of fear that had formed in her throat she lets out a gush...you need a comma after 'throat' here
Every time she closed her eyes she seen his face...this should either be 'saw' instead of 'seen' or the sentence should be changed to read something like, "Every time she had closed her eyes, she had seen his face" Since the piece is written mostly in present tense, seen really doesn't seem to work.
This is a farily well written piece and I enjoyed the peek into a sad woman's emotions and life. You have done a good job here. Please feelf ree to look over my work and let me know what you think.
Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
used during ceremony's...this should be 'cermonies' unless ceremony owns something, which it doesn't seem to in this sentence.
time items which include assembly in the old...there should be a comma after 'items'
your not thinking about it...you're (you are)
and the next thing I seen was a..this should either be 'saw' or 'had seen' in this case, I believe the correct wording would be 'the next thing I saw was...'
This one was a bit different it had some sort of tweezer type thing on the end of it...comma after 'different'
I did get groggy until I seen the next...saw
The next thing I seen was a real nice...saw
I am so sorry you had to go through that! I am always afraid that I'm going to swallow something like that while I do my jewelry work, although I don't work with quills because I just know I will swallow one, or sit on a dozen, since I am such a klutz! Do you have a how to type of essay or guide for doing that leather work? I know how to do some of it, but since my grandmother refuses to admit that she is a full blood, we aren't allowed to speak of our heritage or actively seek out the knowledge in books etc. if she will be able to see them, so I don't have a lot of information on the subject. I would love to learn more about my heritage, basically having tried to teach myself how to make things and learning a little of the flute music.
Keep up the great work! Please feel free to look over my portfolio if you like, I welcome all reviews and comments! Have a great day.
A full service medical facility was also onsite...I believe 'onsite' should be two words, 'on site'
exercise rooms located inthe basement...'in the'
Both girls noticed the small group of boys, mostly seniors, huddled around something. Both girls slowed, despite the cold, to see what was up...It is generally a good idea not to use the same words several times in a row, so I would suggest (remember, this is just me) that you either combine these two sentences, i.e. "Both girls noticed the small group of boys, mostly seniors, huddled around something and slowed, despite the cold, to see what was up." Or re-word the "Both Girls" in one of the sentences, maybe as "The girls noticed..." Or use their names.
an ice back held to his forehead...ice 'pack'
While Harts office was quite, almost..."While Hart's office was quiet..."
He was hansom, and...handsome
who was just as hansom and actually know about all her dealings...handsome
This is a good start to what seems to be an interesting story. I think you could use a little bit less telling and a little more showing in some areas, but on the whole, it is a good chapter. Keep up the wonderful work and please feel free to look over my portfolio and let me know what you think.
This story is hilarious! I love that the cats are unharmed, but possibly psychologically damaged, by the robot. Come to think of it, I wish I had a robot to wash my floors...lol. You are a wonderful writer, keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
While there are several areas of this piece that I feel need work, I think a few well placed suggestions should suffice. First of all, I think that you should use a greater array of words. For example, instead of using the word 'the' several times in one short paragraph, replace it words that mean the same but do not create stagnant sentences. For example, in the sentence, "The raven took to the air and circled the battle with its kin in body. The ravens looked forThe ravens looked for any fallen warriors to feast upon,..." why not change it a little to something like, "The raven took flight and circled the battle with a body of its kin. While his brethren looked for any fallen warriors..." The sentences move a little more without the constant re-use of certain words (this is true in any case, not just with 'the').
The other thing I want to point out is that there are a few times within this piece that you switch from past tense (had, was...) to present tense (has, have, are, is...). The switch in tense and characterization due to tense threw me off in the reading.
I did like this piece and think that it will be great with a little tweaking.
Have a wonderful day!
I enjoyed this very much. However, I believe that you need to separate the lines into stanzas ro allow the reader to see the flow of the piece more. To me, it should be seperated after "A canvas filled with nature’s art" and "The birds have flown to meet their kin"
I do like the piece very much and think you have done a wonderful job. Please feel free to look over my portfolio and let me know what you think. Have a wonderful day!
in reality remains, a slimy, swamp dwelling...I don't believe that you need the comma after 'remains'
particular wind?},...you don't need the }
This is a very well written report. It reads well for audience members, whether they have read or heard reports before, and allows us to see a little into the mind and heart of the investigation.
I know feel a little idiotic for not realizing the Empress was a flower instead of an actual Empress when I reviewed the poem itself. (And I call myself a literature education major).
Again, I look forward to reading more. Have a wonderful day1
I wondered in a worry,
after sunset
if it would last.
This section strikes me as a little off. For me, I think it might sound better as "I wondered in a worry, after sunset would it last" However, perhaps the offness is intended as this is a piece from an investigation.
and soft, stirring needs...the 'and' feels wrong to me, perhaps it could be left out without changing the meaning of the line.
Sated, soon it passes and I'll seek others, this I know....To me it would make more sense to have "and I'll seek others, this I know" or "this I know" on the last line of this section instead of it being an elongated sentence that breaks a little awkwardly. (or at least the break seems awkward to me).
by the Empress flowers pure,...I think it should be "Empress' flowers pure"
Nice piece, I really enjoy reading the excerpts from these sections of the story and look forward to the day that I can read them in their entirety.
Have a wonderful day!
This poem is interesting and portrays deep pain, confusion and a little addiction. I think it goes well with what I have read of the Lisa Lansing Diaries and I look forward to reading more. However, there were some areas that could use a little cleaning up, to my way of thinking. I'm not going to go into detail about it unless you e-mail me back and tell me to go ahead, because I think the areas that need help may be areas that need to stay as they are for the story. Since I haven't read the entire story as of yet, I will forego telling you how to do your work! I do think you've done a wonderful job. Keep up the great writing! Have a good day.
The nobility, the courage and love he displayed during...This should technically read "The nobility, courage and love..." for the sentence to flow smoothly and correctly.
He found us minutes later to his great relief, completely...This should have a comma after 'later' as well as the other punctuation you have here. (may I just say...WOW!)
remarkable and to me, will...this should be "and, to me, will.."
This is a wonderful account of Five amazing people that you are lucky to call family. I enjoy reading your works and look forward to reading the rest of your family (at least, the ones I haven't read yet!) Have a wonderful day!
I can definately relate to the emotion behind this one! Waiting on love to return to you is a time consuming and horrid thing to go through. Although I think that this piece could also do well to be expanded, it is well written and portrays the emotions of waiting very nicely.
Keep up the good work!
This piece feels unfinished to me, like a thought that has been interrupted by life. I'm guessing that particular feeling is what you were going for here. However, I feel that this piece has a lot of potential to be made into a longer poem, filled with the longing I sense in these three lines.
Keep up the good work! Have a wonderful day.
This piece depicts a wonderful calming feel from being outside (to me at least). The rhyming scheme is well done and kept to throughout the entire piece and the meter is done well. The only thing I can comment on here is that the rhythm felt a little off to me as the lines are a little long. Perhaps it would help to separate each line and have the rhymes happening in every other line?
I truly enjoyed reading this piece! Keep up the great work.
I deny within their closeted threats...This is one of those times that I am very happy that the poet I am reading is someone I can talk to, because this line doesn't make much sense to me and I would love for you to explain it to me.
Other than that, this poem has good rhythm and meter. I like the rhyme scheme you use within this piece and think it works well with the meter and emotion. Keep up the great work!
This poem is nicely written, short and to the point. I enjoyed it, but would like to see more. I also think that this poem could be broken apart to make it a little longer and show the breaks more effectively. I really like the line that you have as the description for the poem, perhaps you could use it in the middle of the poem to bring a little more emotion and imagery to it.
I did like the poem a lot and could feel the emotion behind it. Keep up the good work.
This poem is beautiful, but, in my opinion, could use a little work. I think that it needs to be broken up a little more, to aid in the flow.
For example (Please remember that this is only MY opinion!)
The secret passion often desired,
yet rarely felt.
My only thought,
my need to feel whole,
When I met you,
I fell so hard.
You wanted love,
as I did too.
etc.
This aids in the flow and allows readers to more readily see the reading/emotional breaks in the piece. I also noticed that the first stanza has no rhyming scheme, but that the second stanza is partially rhymed. This can confuse the reader and throw off the meter/rhythm of the piece. I like the wording you have, but think that if you put in a word or two that rhymes in the first stanza, or change the rhyming words in the second, that it would flow better when read.
I did enjoy this piece and could really feel the emotion in it. I completely understand those emotions, Love does scar the one it owns! I hope this review has helped in some small way. Keep up the good work!
her Grandma, said slyly, trying to catch his gaze. If he likes it, that’s fine. It’s his choice.”...I belive this should be, 'her grandma said slyly, trying to catch his gaze. "If he likes it, that's fine. It's his choice."
so comfortable to her although you...comma after 'her'
closer look wondering how they’d...comma after 'look'
her grandma looking quite neglected...comma after 'grandma'
for nothing.” her grandma...I think this should have a comma instead of the period after the 'nothing'
without telling me” he said shortly...comma after 'me'
from the table and he grandma reached...'her' grandma
sympathy." Butch shot at her...this should have a comma instead of a period after 'sympathy'
This story is horribly realistic. I can hear the voices yelling and the soft sound of a crying baby in the background. I can somewhat relate to the characters through their words and obvious emotions. You have done a great job with this! Keep up the good work.
She traveled far to reach their home arriving both bedraggled...I believe that you need a comma after 'home'
It’s like God’s giving us a chance”,...the comma should be before the end quotations.
countryside, as if lost some memory...'as if lost 'in' some memory'
“We can’t always protect her, Bertha, he said.”...the end quotation marks should be behind 'her,' instead of 'said'
quite resilient and watched...I believe that you need a comma after 'resilient'
peace, she told herself. Don’t think...should be, 'peace," she told herself. "Don't think...'
nice refrigerator once before its former...I think you need a comma after 'once'
budge , wanting...there shouldn't be a space between 'budge' and the comma
frightened, meant she could still speak....'it' meant she could still speak
This is a very itneresting piece. The point of view is well written and the twist of the finger was very surprising. The fact that Melanie found her voice only to lose it again soon after was a twist that made me sad, but that made the story that much better.
Keep up the great work!
I didn't find any grammatical errors in this piece. The characters are humerous and well written. I like the way you've written the point of view, switching between the pigs and Ralph. The images invoked by the female wolves were quite funny and well shown. I loved that they were protecting Flowerina. I think the ending was my favorite part, when Flowerina tells Ralph that she can't wait to introduce him to her brothers! Keep up the great work!
Hello! You won ten reviews from me in a raffle and I am here to get that started!
Our overseer, his name is Thomas Pithy and he is like the devil in human form....to me, this sentence would flow better if worded like this, "Our overseer, Thomas Pithy, is like the devil in human form."
I mumbled the fear of this man...I believe you need a comma after 'mumbled'
shivered slightly as if caught by...I believe you need a comma after 'slightly'
“But, Polly, I can’t survive this anymore! I whispered frantically.”...The closing quotation marks should be moved to after 'anymore!'
“Ok, Polly", I told my friend, "you win!" "No more talk of leaving!”...I believe this sentence should be written as, "Ok, Polly," I told my friend, "you win! No more talk of leaving!"
Today seemed as uneventful as it usually was except that when I went past the door that led to the workroom of the mill. It had been left ajar and eyed it with expectant eyes....this paragraph doesn't really make sense to me. What about, "Today seemed as uneventful as usual, except that, when I went past the door leading to the workroom of the mill. It had been left ajar and I eyed it with expectant eyes."
“Then, I will go", I...the comma should be in front of the close quotation marks instead of behind it. "Then I will go," I...
I like this short story. The point of view is well written and the main character is shown well. I like the way you have portrayed her and Polly. Keep up the good work!
Hello! My name is Beth and i am the moderator and one of the judges for the "Invalid Item" Contest. Im just dropping by to give you a quick review. Good Luck!
becomes a ploka-dotted pattern...polka-dotted
the mud puddles birth...puddle's birth
animals inside there, play...you don't need this comma
the howling whistling wind makes...howling, whistling wind
This is a nice and well written piece. The rhythm and meter are well done and the rhyme scheme works well in this piece. However, I think the first few lines could be broken up a little more to make the flow of that first stanza a little easier to read. Keep up the good work!
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