Hello! I am reviewing this piece for the "Invalid Item" contest this month. Good Luck!
there are several areas in this piece that could use some more punctuation. Most of the areas are in need of commas, though there are a few areas that could be re-worked into separate sentences without too much trouble.
The emotion behind this piece is obvious and I am very glad that you and your nephew have such a bond. Keep up the good work.
Hey! I'm reviewing this for this month's "Invalid Item" . Good luck!
This is a well written Sonnet, although I think that you could use some extra punctuation in different places. The emotion behind the words is clearly portrayed and the dissapointment in love that you feel is obvious to the reader. Keep up the good work.
This was a great wordsearch! I enjoyed playing and thought that you did a good job hiding the words. The only thing I saw was that I had never heard of a couple of the words you used and I'm highly interested in this sort of thing! Oh well, I guess that's what Wikipedia is for. Keep up the good work!
It was late afternoon, and the sun hung low against the horizon and warmed the back of Kasity’s neck as she stared down into the water, until the darkness swallowed light, shrouding the mysteries below....I think this would work better as two sentences. i.e. It was late afternoon. The sun hung low against....
Kasity followed the steady stream of chattering girls into a long, low building, the mysterious cliff-jumpers still on her mind. The door was wooden...Where did this door come from? It confused me and stopped the flow of the paragraph for a minute as I tried to figure out why there was an old wooden door in the middle of the jungle.
because each year one advanced in the Academy is another step towards the ultimate goal....I think that 'advances' might make more sense in this sentence arrangement.
In two weeks’ time, you will be Sectioned into the...A few paragraphs before this, you say they will be sectioned into clouds in three weeks. You may want to look at this and see if I'm missing something here.
She saw soft brown eyes and the same grown-up hands before the lights went out...you just stated in the previous paragraph that the lights had turned out, perhaps this sentence could be before the statement about the lights turning out, to avoid confusion from the reader.
I enjoyed this chapter very much as well and will definately be reading more of this novel as time permits me too. Keep up the great work.
breeze had loosened several locks from their place...I don't think you need 'from their place' here, as the mention of pins keeping her hair in place was mentioned a few words earlier.
the unsettling feelings that were settling somewhere inside her throat...the use of 'unsettling' and 'settling' so close to one another in the smae sentence disrupted the flow for me, at least a little bit. I would suggest a different word used in place of 'settling'
This is another well written chapter. I like the characters you have introduced here and the way that you have shown a little of each of them to the reader. The plot introduced here is well shown, with just a hint of things to come among the introductions and explanations needed to draw in Eunae, as well as the reader. Keep up the good work.
four years old, and her azure...you don't need this comma
This is well written and interesting. I have just one question, If she plunged the knife into Vivele's skin, how is Vivele left alive? The way you have written it, it seems as if Valoren is killing Vivele at this point. Other than that, I like the tone, setting and imagery you use here and the plot seems to be most interesting and entangled. I look forward to reading more! Keep up the good work.
blaring so loud Josh thought his eardrums...loudly 'that'
the ad agency were so dingy and run down, and Josh had often felt repulsed by them even while driving...You either need to remove the 'so' here, or replace the 'and' with 'that.' Also, you do not need the comma here.
She was so frail, with...you don't need this so unless you are going to add a description. i.e. "She was so frail that her body looked as if it would break into tiny pieces at the first gust of wind..."
This story is hilarious and really impresses upon the reader all of the different ways people's lives inter-connect. You've done a good job with the characters and plotline. I would love to know what happens next! Keep up the great work.
The surgery was long, complicated, and expensive process...Either, 'the surgery was a long, complicated and expensive process' or 'the surgery was long, complicated and an expensive process'
Maury thought was nice that...'thought it was nice'
This is a heartwarming and beautiful story. I have two suggestions here though:
1) You have several lines, especially at the beginning of the story, that repeat words or phrases. The story will flow a lot better if you use different terminology in these sections.
2) Most sentences don't require the use of a comma before 'and.' I noticed that you have several of those in this story and just wanted to point out that most, if not all, of your sentences do not need the comma there.
I really liked the premise of this story and the characters were well written and portrayed for such a short piece. It made me tear up at the end, which is what it was meant to do, I'm sure! Good Job. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day.
Ok, I'm not going to leave a riddle of comments about your page. They are easy to trip on and you are just beginning to feel better! Anyway, I like what you have discussed and think you are doing a good job of moving through the stages of becoming an extroverted blogger. I'm so glad that you are feeling better and now have a wireless deal for your notebook. Have a great day!
eyes twitched under concentration as the woman...to me this sentence would flow better if it read 'eyes twitched 'in' concentration' instead of 'under concentration' as concentration isn't actually hovering over the woman's eyes.
falling beams of the three moons spilling through the entwining branches overhead...to keep in the right form with the rest of the paragraph, the sentence should read, "falling beams from the three moons spilled through the entwining branches overhead..."
The small group now made haste through the woodland....WHAT? You have made no mention of a small group before this. This small statement took me completely by surprise as I had already formed an image of a lonely woman struggling through the frozen, empty woods. You will probably need to mention the fact that she is with a group at some point previous to this, so that the reader is not taken completely by surprise.
Her eyebrows lowering into a straight line...I believe that this should be 'eyebrows 'lowered' into a straight line'
Feina asked, wher eyes twinkling from within the dark hollows encompassing them....this should be 'her'
as the memory of her teaching from Feina entered her thoughts...To me, it should be 'her 'teachings' from Feina'
This is an interesting prologue and I think that it makes the reader want to know what happens next. The back story and the storyline that will be developing are both something that I would like to know more about. I feel that you are doing a good job with this piece so far. Keep up the good work.
This is a very interesting story so far and I would love to know more about the characters. Perhaps someone finds grandma's journal and reads the story of the vampire's capture? Or perhaps someone searches and finds Susan and the vampire tells us her/himself (to me it sounds feminine in its voice...am I right?) However you choose to continue, I know I would be very interested to read more. This short bit has got me hooked! Keep up the good work! Please feel free to visit my portfolio and let me know what you think. Have a great day.
must end with "Reviewer's Club"....the period at the end of this sentence should be within the quotations marks, i.e. "Reviewer's Club."
in each contest leading back to you...I believe you need a comma after 'contest' here, to give the reader pause and create more effect for the end of the sentence.
sample review just like you would...I believe you need a comma after 'review' here.
This looks like a great way to earn more reviewing credits, grow as a reviewer and provide you with help for your many contests. I would love to be a part of this.
This review has been provided by a member (hopefully!) of the Reviewer's Club.
Have a Great Day! Keep up the good work.
I become consumed by fear
The ocean swells
Emotions swell
Out rolls a tear
Darkness and its pain surrounds me
and I shudder so hard its as if the ground quakes
My body trembles as the night still glimmers
and the cold air soothes me
Into the warm sand I bury my toes
I swallow my pride and lose control...this area of the piece completely changes the rhyme scheme and throws the reader off as they move through the poem.
You don’t use any punctuation here and I think adding some would be very beneficial for the flow of the piece. However, I like this piece very much, the emotions and imagery are beautifully shown to the reader. My favorite line was: A moon of pearls hangs in the midst
and gives the clouds a silver kiss
Although I liked many other almost as well. You did wonderfully with this! Keep up the great work.
The old chapter is written,...you don't need this comma
played the possom...possum
and strengthed roots...strengthened
"Brighter day"!...the exclamation point should be inside the quotation marks.
This is another well written, emotional poem. I like the imagery you use, comparing love to an ever growing tree. You've done a wonderful job with this! Keep up the awesome work! HAve a great day.
If thankful I'm thankful you're thankful...comma after the first 'thankful'
This is a great piece and mirrors how I feel about my own work (and how I believe most authors feel about their work and comments about them)> You've done another good job with this one! Keep it up!
Lady we'd endure the weather...I think you need a comma after "Lady"
Whether rain, or snow, or shine...I don't believe that you really need these commas
We could save for just a few years,
Get enough and run away,
To some exotic island.
But if you'd rather we can stay,...Until this point your rhyme scheme has been ACBD, but this stanza only rhymes BD, which threw me off a little as the rhythm and meter were thrown off. I also believe that you need a comma after 'rather'
This piece is a beautiful attestation to the thoughts of love that you have. True love is a wonderful thing! To me, this piece could be a wonderful song, have you thought of placing it to music? I really enjoyed this and think you did a wonderful job. Keep up the great work!
This is a very emotional and heartfelt piece. I found no major grammatical errors, but I also didn't find a rhythm, meter or rhyme scheme, which is why I rated it as I did. However, while I normally dislike pieces with no form to them, I found that I enjoyed yours very much. Keep up the good work.
This is hilarious. I found no glaring grammatical errors and I enjoyed this piece very much. The sarcastic humor is to my liking and the ending made the piece even better. I particularly like the underlying message that you included. This is not just an ordinarily sarcastic piece, it has a message worth seeing. Keep up the good work.
Hello, I am the moderator and one of the judges for the "Invalid Item" and thought I would drop in and give you a review of your entry.
This is a beautiful poem. The imagery and emotions are well written and allow the reader to form a rudimentary picture. The rhyme scheme was a little off to me, but I like the poem as whole. Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest. Have a great day!
Hello! My name is Beth and I am the moderator and one of the judges for the {item:1281517) Contest. I just thought I would drop by and review your entry. Good Luck!
panic fluttering dry wings in her mind...'on' dry wings
Certainly, none of his neighbors...I don't think you need this comma.
This is an interesting piece. I like the way you have her as a poor girl who just can't trust anyone. She doesn't see herself as being in the wrong, so the reader doesn't either. You've done a good job with the story and the characters. Will's reaction is well written, as is her reaction to his reaction. Keep up the good work and Good luck in the contest.
The stories in this folder are well written and entertaining. I enjoyed reading them all and look forward to seeing more here in the future. You have a great way of telling the stories so that the reader feels involved; almost as if they know the characters. Your chracters form well and are interesting to watch and learn about. Keep up the great work.
This folder is well combined and a good place to store the raffles and contests that you create. The folder is succint and easy to manage for a reader of your port.
The only thing that I found that could be a grammatical error is the line underneath IN-Depth Contest Group: For all the raiders of my port for the In-Depth Review Contest I run...
I think this would sound better if it was reworded to something like "For all of the raiders of my port in the In-Depth Review Contest that I run..."
This is a great folder. I like the works that you are creating and look forward to reading more. You have managed to create several characters, both old and new, that are believable and whose story lines work well. The twists and turns that you create within the storylines are well thought out and create just the right amount of suspense. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for new additions to the stories. Keep up the great work!
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