This story is about the thoughts and journey of a sweater who feels abandoned and unwanted. I enjoyed this story. It was different but it provided a good read. You did a wonderful job of showing how the sweater would act and feel should it be a real living thing. Great job. There wasn't much description but I'm not sure the story suffered for this except perhaps, I would like to see the color and style of the sweater. Is it wool or cashmere? A zippered or buttoned front or a pull over? Red or Green? Soft or rough? Why did the girl think the sweater was ugly? Other than these questions, this was a good piece that I enjoyed. Thank you for sharing this and keep up the good work. Below, you find some line edits. I give these as an attempt to help you perfect an already good piece of writing. These are my opinions and should be treated as such. If you do not agree with them, then don't feel obligated to use them. I give you a 3.5 rating for the small lack of description about the very important subject of the sweater and the few grammatical errors. I hope I have been able to help you out in a small way. if you have any questions about this review or feel you need help with something else, please email me and I'll do what I can. Have a great day.
Happy writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
someone would thowthrow something that is disgusting
I was her'shers and she
"arent I dirty enough?" italicize this sentence
on that girl's desk
It was Paulette Smith(,) my real owner!
I loved the feeling (of) laundry soap cleaning me
I proboblyprobably wouldn't be in this nice closet
I enjoyed this poem. You did a good job of following the rhyming format, although I can't remember what this is called. Forgive me. It has been years since I have written poetry. I hope that I am interpreting this story correctly. Does this relate to suicide? I figure it's that or murder but the speaker seems to be at their wit's end and tired of having a life that isn't working. I have no suggestions for corrections. As I said, I'm not expert on poetry and would not feel right trying to give you ideas for something I don't know anything about. I give this a four point rating for the lack of grammatical errors and the good job of consistent rhyming. Thank you for sharing this poem and keep up the good work.
A woman has writer's block and thinks about how she writes articles that claim she lives this crazy, adventurous life when she doesn't. She borrows the ideas from people around her. After she manages to complete yet another falsified article, a mystery person shoots at her. She finds a note in her bag saying they know who she is and her deception. She fears for her life from the shooter.
Plot:The plot is a bit weak. Why would a person get angry that the woman claims to do things she doesn't really do? Unless she claims to have done something magnificent and gets a big credit for something that the shooter actually did. This would make more sense. And how did the rock get into the bag? Did a person put it in as they passed her? Or did she have it under her chair and someone slipped by while she was busy writing and slipped it in?
Setting:There is not any description at all other than her being in a coffee shop and chaos breaking out as the gun fires. You need to give the reader more to visualize here.
Characters: The writer. There is no description about the mystery writer other than the fact that she lives, and gains her fame, through other peoples' adventures.
Grammar: There are a lot of grammatical issues. A few things should be moved around and a few sentences are mis-structured. You have a couple of missing words, and you switch tenses really bad. See my line edits in my private comment for more details.
Just My Opinion: This story would be good without so many mistakes. Even the newest reviewers will spot the problem areas. Don't be discouraged though. These are easily fixed and the more you write and get reviews, the better you will become. I give you this review in an attempt to help you strengthen your writing so that you can learn to write without so many mistakes. When I first started out, I had way more problems than you do. I hope you do not take offense at my review. It is meant to be helpful. Once you fix your mistakes, you'll have a good story going. One that could possibly be extended into a good short story. Keep at it. You'll get the hang of it. I give you a 2.5 review because of all the gramattical errors and the poor plot. Good luck getting the hang of this. It doesn't take long. Have a great day. If you have any questions about this review or need help in further matters, feel free to email me. I'd be happy to help in any way I can.
I really enjoyed these lyrics. I will certainly have to check out your video as son as I can get my speakers to funtioning again. I have three favorite verses. The first one is the one about the passion, laughter, gladness and hope. The second is envy, anger, error and especially the child, and the night, comfort, tower and soul. These were all very impressively put together. Great job! Thank you so much for sharing this. I would give out advice to improve this but I can't find anything that needs to be changed. That is amazing. I wish I were as lucky with my own writing. Keep up the wonderful work!
Happy Writing,
Sara
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This piece would be quite good if you would go back and do some cleaning up. The sentences should be shortened and perhaps divided up. And you sort of use a lot of the same words a bit. And is one of those I spotted the most. There are a lot of those here. Then is another. There is a bit of passive voice as well. Watch for this. It is a nasty habit to fall into. I've only recently begun to escape it's addictive clutches. I loved your ending. It holds a valuable message. You shouldn't give up on something just because it's become a bit hard. I would like to see this piece again after you have worked some of the kinks out. I have already sent you a private review with my suggestions for your line edits. I hope you find those and this helpful. Keep up the great work and have a wonderful day!
Happy Writing,
Sara
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You brought a tear to my eyes. How dare those men disrespect a classic that way!(just kidding. not meaning any disrespect to them. I would probably do the same if it was my child) They could have at least put it up somewhere where it wouldn't suffer through the horrors of rough weather and tough years. It broke my heart to hear it being so mistreated. I, myself, have a passion for old cars just as you. I wasn't around in those days, didn't come into the world until 1985 but boy I wish I had been around back then. I would have loved to ride in one of those beauties down a drag strip. The world ain't like it used to be. They still drag but now it's with these suped up technology cars that only work so well because of all the computer parts on them. They ain't got nothing on an old muscle car with all that power under the hood. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to save your baby and give her the life she deserves. And I'm really sorry to hear that about your father. I don't know what I'll do when that happens. I know it's a fact of life but that will not make it any better when I have to deal with every day without him. Hopefully, that won't happen for a much much longer time. He's only 43.
Well, thank you for sharing this wonderful, exciting, and heartbreaking piece. I absolutely loved it. There was just one flaw that I did find. I marked it. There was a bit of passive voice within this piece but the details and excitement helped me look right over the sentence formation. Keep up the wonderful work.
Line Edits:
He took off and kept going until the other guy(')s lights were barely a blink in the darkness of that vast summer night.
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This tore at my heart. That poor child should not have to experience that, nor should any child. Some people aren't meant to have children and I hate to see people make their children feel like this. That poor kid will end up in terrible relationships in her future if she isn't able to learn that it's not her that's disfuntional but her pathetic parents. Good job with this. You certainly know how to involve the reader and make them feel emotions. Have a great day. Thanks for sharing this.
Good tips. I've done each of these things. Hope people find this useful. And hope you find my edits helpful. Have a great day. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.
add a comma after first night add a comma after while you are waiting add a period after hand and Capitalize Lean your needs to be you're
The first sentence was good advice. I'm not sure why you have a few words capitalized. You did a good job showing your father's pain at losing his child. I've gave some edits below. They are meant as a way of helping you and not to re-write your story or as a deflection of you as a writer. I hope you embrace them with the spirit in which they were written.
Line Edits:
This beauty (Instead of would try will)
Put commas after down and son.
try always do good instead of do always good.
add a period after Reward.
My father told (me this) with
instead of have put my packages. try after I had.
You don't need the 'have' when you talk about turned away.
questioning myself(,)Italicize could this ever be true?
This was interesting. I wondered why you spaced out your words like you did at first until I saw that you made them into a heart. I'm not sure if you'll agree with me but I made some line edits below. Hope they help you out. Keep up the good work.
Line Edits:
Add a period after sweater. Capitalize How. Capitalize The. add a comma after rose. Capitalize Impatient. Comma after life. Period after oblivion.
I laughed at your troubles. You need to tighten up your writing however. Remember to capitalize names such as Banana and the first word of each sentence. And spell out the numbers. These are just my opinions and meant to be helpful to you. Don't be discouraged by my edits. Everyone makes lots of mistakes when first starting out. You'll get better as you learn the ropes. Have a great day.
Line Edits.
As it turns out(,) walking 3spell out three miles with (your) twin brother and a wiener dog who seems determined to leap over the side of the grand canyonYou didn't finish this sentence. perhaps you should put something like 'is much worse' or something.
Capitalize Of.course(,)spell out four
Capitalize Banana. You should find a way to incorporate the name before this. The first line would be good. And a hyperactive wiener dog, Banana.
spell out two.
Capitalize That's
lick Seth(,) (instead of putting a period, turn it to a comma)
you always say wiener dog. you can leave out the wiener part and just have the dog when you talk about your brother waking up with a mouthful of dog.
Capitalize Banana when you talk about Banana came close to flying.
Capitalize Banana found this all
using was in the next sentence is using passive voice. you want to avoid this and use active voice instead. I would like to say that only my brother acted irritating, but to be truthful, I probably did too.
(wiener dog(')s snout.
calm Banana(capitalize Banana) down.
capitalize Banana when you talk about him peeing on the disc.
capitalize Banana when you talk about stopping at the truck stop.
hop out and then(instead of than) in. Capitalize The following
capitalize Banana getting a good (spell out fifty) (spell out two hundred fifty)
This poem is sweet. I've never had someone write a poem for me. The girl this was written for should appreciate the gift you have given her.
To bring me from the depths of self pity and woe, to holding you in my arms. I'm not sure about this sentence. Especially the last part, to holding you in my arms.
There are no mistakes that I spotted. Good job. I appreciate the simplicity of this poem. I agree that when you've got nothing to do, close your eyes and remember the old times in your life. The experiences you've been through will astound you and make you grateful for what you've got. Sharing these memories with others is a good form of therapy. A close friend of mine and myself take a trip down memory lane once a week by thinking of an old memory that we find precious. It's a good way to relive the old days. Now that we have kids, we can't do the crazy things like back then. Thanks for sharing this. It brought a smile to my face. Keep up the good work and have a great day.
I'm not sure what genre you were aiming for or which you personally like so this might not make any sense to you. But this song reminded me of a country song, A Country Boy Can Survive by Hank Williams Jr. I loved this. I saw you wrote it for a contest? I hope you win. It was really good. I love to fish as well, although I don't think I've ever been able to find a four dollar fishing pole. I really need to check out KMart before spring gets here. I felt this song flowed smoothly and properly. You kept it in rhythm and the time line worked just right. Keep up the great work! Thank you for sharing and good luck with that contest.
I really enjoyed this, although I did tear up a bit. People can be so cruel, but sometimes, I think children can be the worst. I hope that my children will be like I was and not pick on anyone, despite their problems, and to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. This piece was excellently written. Thank you for sharing this. Keep up your wonderful, and moving, writing. Have a great day.
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I can feel the love you have for your daughter in this small segment. My mother feels the same way for me and I feel this way for my own daughter. It's hard to believe they grow up so fast. It seems like just yesterday I had her and now she'll be turning three in April. I wish you and her the best in life. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work.
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Hi, my name is Sara and I'll be reviewing your piece. Please remember that these are solely my opinions and are written with the intention of helping you better your piece. If you find you disagree with any of my findings, please ignore them. I hope you find these useful.
In this time, there was a god that looked after the world of Mobius. This god was the one person who kept the world in twilight (You forgot a period at the end of this. Be careful about repeating words. I found the word twilight 5 times in the first paragraph. That's a bit much. Try finding alternative words for twilight. Your first sentence talks about how there is no day or night, then two sentences down, you talk about no blinding light or blinding darkness. Why not use that as your first sentence since it's more detailed.)
There was no blinding darkness, and there was no blinding light. Just, twilight. In this time, there was a god that looked after the world of Mobius. This god was the one person who kept the world in twilight His name, was Enset the Twilight. He was a kind and fair god. He was also very powerful.
Each of these sentences are passive voice. Try rewording the sentences so that it excludes the word 'was' an example. In the time of twilight, there existed a kind, fair and very powerful God, Enset the Twilight. The world stayed in twilight because of him. You see how I combined the sentences and took out certain words.
an Emerald that would keep the world in perfect balance. -Capitalize the An
When you talk about the two Emeralds splitting in two and changing into night and day, you don't need to put the colors in parentheses. Just put something like this. One emerald turned white and controlled the light, earning it the name Light-En. The other half turned black, and controlled the dark. It became known as Dark-En.
I enjoyed this. I'm a fan of the old Sonic games and I love fantasy stories. I look forward to reading more of this.
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Good description and details. Accurate summary of things that happen in spring. I like how you put a bit of everything in here, from the clouds, to the grass, snow melting, people outside having picnics, and the animals reactions. It makes me eager to see Spring arrive. It is my favorite season. Thanks for sharing this. Keep up the good work.
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LOL. Parts of this certainly sound like my husband and myself. Your crazy ways, my crazy days. AND you might get better, you may get worse. now we're placing blame, staking claim. All parts that are us. I enjoyed this piece. Good job. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work.
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Hi. I'm Sara and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are entirely my personal opinions and only given to you as a means of helping. I hope you will find my suggestions helpful but in the end, this is your work and only you can truly decide what is right. I enjoyed this segment however it does need some tightening up and perhaps a spelling and grammar check. Watch out for long, lengthy sentences and repeating the same information over and over again. It can make your writing dull and cause the reader to stop before they get too far into your story. I had these same problems when I first started out, as I'm sure everyone does. Once you get the hang of what to watch for, you'll grow out of it. Here are my suggestions:
Herb knew that it was easy to be able to work this mechanical thing but he still could not work it out and stared at this piece of machinery as if it was something that was created by another galaxy! This line didn't make much sense. Is is supposed to be, Herb knew that it was supposed to be easy to work this mechanical thing?
Mr Hebert Bigley, aged 80 with a son who was always up to date with the most technical machinery of the time had recently lost his wife. His son, Tom, thought that by getting his dad this robot it would make his life so much easier. As it could do the things for his dad that his mom used to do around the house. Mr Herbert Bigley, age 80, had recently lost his wife. His son, Tom, who was always up to date with the most technical machinery of the time, thought getting this robot would make his father's life easier. As if it could do the things his wife had done around the house. I rewrote this as an example of how to keep from repeating the same information, and words. You say son twice, dad twice and the sentence structure made it a bit hard to comprehend. By dividing your sentences into small, tight format, you make it easier to read, understand and it saves on your word count.
“I’m hungry,” Herbert said(,) (how about something like Herbert said while giving the robot an adamant look. You knock out the fluff words like really and the unnecessary phrase on his face. where else would the look be but there? You've already told us Tom gave him the robot. There's no need to repeat that or how old he is. As for the part about sure to try and work out this piece of machinery, I'm not sure what to say. It doesn't make much sense. You could put Surely, he would be able to figure this contraption out. He had spent years working as a mechanic after all. This knocks out the passive voice and keeps your sentences tight.) looking at the robot with a really adamanent look on his face, sure to try and work out this piece of machinery that Tom had given him, after all he was not a silly man was he! At the age of 80 and YEARS of experience as a mechanic.
“I want (To? or did you leave this word out intentionally?) eat!” he yelled(,) staring at it flabbergasted,(Good sentence.)(Italicize personal thoughts such as this. don't caps a word just to exaggerate it. Caps How since it's the beginning of a new sentence.) how is it that Tom could work these things SO easily(,)and yet he couldn’t (even?) get it to just give him something to eat. He could hear the rumble of his stomach and looked sadly at the fridge knowing that if he had to go get something himself(,) it would be hard for him to get up.
Then prompty(promptly) pushed him roughly in the direction of the toilet
Not being used to being made to go to the toilet as if he was three! (This line doesn't make much sense. You should rephrase it or something.)
I'm not sure how I feel about this piece. I understand the need to disappear for a while, to escape into an alternate universe. And I do understand that you should do your homework to pass the class. I did not know that teachers got a raise for how well students did in their class. That does make sense when i think of all the teachers who hated us but forced us to pass their classes regardless of what they had to do. Yet the part about the not having a mommy confused me. Especially at the end when you say "My mother is always telling me that." Perhaps it was a metaphor that you have no mommy and that is why you don't care to do your homework? I don't know.
This poem was a bit different from what I am used to. I had to re-read it a couple of times to make sense of it. The final time, once I wasn't getting distracted, I was able to appreciate pieces of it. You did a very good job of including description in your poem, something I don't see many people using. My favorite verse began with 'no other man could rule my make-believe canvas of ink. thanks for sharing.
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I felt this song flowed smoothly and properly. You kept it in rhythm and the time line worked just right. Keep up the great work! Thank you for sharing and good luck with that contest.