This piece was a bit long winded, with repetative words and information. I think you could tighten up these sentences to make it a much more effective and easily read piece. As it is, it's quite difficult to keep in the spirit of your goal. I look forward to reading about your trials and learning about your disability and how you have overcome the limitations it has forced on you. I think if you want more people to feel the same way and want to keep reading on, you will need to have someone proof read each article before you post it to avoid the problems you have run up against here. It always helps to have a fresh pair of eyes to do this. They will spot things you have overlooked. I rate this a 3 because of all the problem areas. Don't be discouraged by this though. Your introduction did what you hoped, by inspiring me to read on. With a revision, some great proofreading and a little effort, this piece will be great and have more people ready to read on. I'd be happy to help with this, if you'd like me to re-read this after you've done some revisions or such. Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more soon. There are detailed, line by line edits sent in a seperate, private email.
You did a good job of keeping the rhythm and rhyme consistent throughout the whole piece, however you had a lot of repetative words, so much that it detracted from the message of your story. Watch for this. Of course, this is just my opinion and you might not agree. I offer my suggestions in a helpful nature. I I have listed some examples below. With a bit of polish, this piece would be great. You do a good job of displaying a desire to overcome your problem rather than succumb to it. I commend you for this. Good job. I rate this a 3.5. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work and have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
No matter the effort I make
Oh what an effort it took You used effort twice here.
With all the light I should need
I’m out just like a light You used light twice here
You use the word 'way' three times twice in the last paragraph and once in the previous one.
You did a good job of keeping rhythm and rhyme, There were no grammatical errors, or repetative words. I did find one thing I marked. I believe it would be considered a typo or misspelling if it is what I think it is. It is listed under line edits below. I agree that people put too much stock in material things and forget to appreciate the true gifts they get everyday from the people who love them. Good job with this. I rate this a four. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
Wiat, just a week, Is this supposed to be wait?
This was a very moving, and emotional piece. I got a bit teary-eyed at the end, as I always do when I hear of a military family member having to deal with the death of a soldier. You did a wonderful job of allowing the grief and emotion to shine through without overpowering the story as a whole. I loved how you incorporated the past, with you and the little boy into the overall story. Very good job. I give this a 4.5 rating. I could find no grammatical errors, misspellings, typos, mistakes, or repetative words. Very good job. Keep up the wonderful work and thank you so much for sharing.
You did a good job with the descriptions and comparisons. Everything flowed nicely and there were no overly repetative words. I can feel your belief shining through your words, encouraging others to follow your lead. There was only one grammatical error that I spotted but of course, you may not agree with this correction. It is just my opinion, offered in a friendly, helpful manner. It is your choice whether or not you would like to use it. There were no typos, misspelt words or mistakes. Good job with this. I rate this work a four. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
The lyrics reminding you of a plot employed:I think there should be a period here instead of a colon.
You do a wonderful job of portraying a picture of a new mom, fascinated by her new baby. The movements, reactions, and love are all realistic. I loved being a new mom and now, I love being an experience mom with two great pre-schoolers. Still, I would love to experience this new-mother bliss again. Great job with this. You had no mistakes, grammatical errors, misspellings, or typos. Good work. I rate this a five. Thanks for sharing. I truly enjoyed this piece. Your emotions and feelings clearly shone through. Keep up the good work. Have a wonderful day.
Hi, I am Sara and I will be doing a Port Raid for you. This is Review 8 of 10. Any comments or corrections I make are purely my opinion and should be seen as a way of trying to help. Please do not take offense at my reviews. You are the author, and ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what to do with your work. I hope to provide you with thorough, honest and helpful reviews.
I enjoyed your trip down memory lane. As a young mom with two preschoolers' , ages 4 and 3, I know what it's like to be astounded by their over-active imaginations. Thankfully, they have not started pretending they are dead, but they have decided to talk about running away and that they don't like me when I tell them no. I thought it would be safe to let them watch today's tv shows since they are all educational. too bad I didn't know it would show a five year old running away when his mom ordered him to take a nap. Back to your review, I don't quite understand your ending. You did not explain where your daughter got the phrase from or why she said it and you did not show how you reacted to it. Did you just let it go? Or did you scold her as your mother did you and then explain why she shouldn't say such things? This is just my opinion and it's up to you whether you think you should apply it. I rate this a 3.5 because of my suggestions above. Keep up the good work and have a great day. Thanks for sharing.
I loved this up until the last verse. I hated reading that part. It made me want to cry. As a young mother of two children, ages 4 and 3, I hate to think that I will one day have to turn them loose into the violent world we live in. I hope that I am able to instill in them the values my parents taught me and if I am lucky, they will follow in the path of the rest of our family and not go too far from home. Thank you for sharing this moving piece. I have rated it a 4.5. I noticed on a few of the sentences, you used punctuation yet on others you did not. You should be consistent in your choice. Go back and see what you think. These are all just my opinions. I hope you find this review helpful. Keep up the good work.
Happy writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
You teach them to laugh(,) and cry
You teach them to love(,) and respect
all the choices are taken away
to walk and talk, to laugh and cry
to love and respect – all taken away perhaps you could find another word than away? You use it in both of these lines. I try not to repeat words so close together. you might not agree. It is just my opinion.
This is a truthful piece. You do a good job with your list of good to bad things but I would like you to give an example of the stuff you talk about being right at the time. thanks for sharing. I found one mistake, listed below. I rate this a 3.5 because, although I liked it, it does not seem to be completely finished to me. This is just my opinion however. One other mistake that isn't in the body but rather in the introduction of your piece, A vew on the difference should be a view. Have a great day. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
But you wake up tomorrow and realize you were incrediably incredibly wrong?
This piece is a bit funny. I enjoyed the woman's disbelief that people do such a dangerous, crazy and cold!!! thing just for fun. As someone who lives in Tennessee and rarely sees more than 6 inches of snow at any given time, I agree with her. You did a good job with the description of the mountain, of her fall and her indignation that she have to do more of it when she would rather be in the hotel. I have marked some line edits below. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and have a good day. Hope you find this helpful.
Happy Writing,
Sara
We had been looking forward to the break in the confusion of having just moved to Germany. We had been stationed in the south so long, the cold was a shock but our new friends had convinced us that a trip to the Alps would be fun.
We had planned on enrolling in the beginner skiing classes that were offered but our “friends” insisted that it was easy… so, the first day, off to the slopes we went. these two paragraphs are telling sentences. you repeat the word had quite a bit too. try to find a more active way to show us what is going on, like you did with the rest of the words.
If you get going to(too) fast, simply point uphill. If all else fails, sit down!”
the welcome visage of the hotel in the? distance beckoning us
I quickly went to help her back to her feet. “This is fun?” she asked. “Oh come on,” I chided. “Where’s your spirit of adventure?” “Down by the fire,” was her response. You need to break this up. example: I quickly went to help her back to her feet.
“This is fun?” she asked.
“Oh come on,” I chided. “Where’s your spirit of adventure?”
I loved how you used the musings of an old army veterean to show the chaos of the modern world around him. I agree that things have gotten out of hand with the way the people are these days. You did a good job. Thanks for sharing this. There are some line edits below that you should check out. They are just my opinions. I hope you find them helpful. I rate this 4 because of the grammar work that needs to be done. Have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
The scenery was a blur around him. What he saw before him stunned him, made him think that there was no humanity left. I don't know about this. The scenery became a blur as he watched, stunned, at what occured in front of him. The incident made him believe humanity no longer existed.You don't want to use passive voice, i.e. scenery was a blur or that there was no humanity. use more active sentences. scenery became a blur, the incident destroyed his faith in humanity.
everyone was walking past as if nothing people walked past like nothing was happening.
he could eventhis word is not needed. finish dialing(,) the young men took off laughing
Sighing(,) he walked over to the young woman to see if she needed help.(if she needed help, only to) Only to be rebuffed rudely as she picked herself up and continued on her way.
Most were heavily tattooed and pierced(,) wearing pants that looked like they would fall off if you tugged on them too hard
He was no stranger to suffering and horror,(. After) after being through a war(,) one got used to it.
the love for you’re(your) fellow man
had many a friend in the army that was a different race, religion, backgrounds. had many friends in the army that were different races, religions and had different backgrounds.
As he stopped at a red light(,) a pretty young
Smiling(,)
in his large, calloused onesone. he though thought
I found this to be a funny, although rather mean, story. You did a great job with the dialogue, but I would like to see a bit more action to go with it. You say Bill's fear turned to despair. Did he start frowning or his face go pale? Did he clasp a hand protectively over his watch or rub his forehead? Did he frown? And how about the Australian girl and Bill's friend? Did they share conspiring grins when Bill was not looking? You get my drift. Also, you need to watch for your punctuation. You don't mark anything at all in your quotations and this is a no-no. There needs to be a comma, a period, a question mark, something. I rate this a 3.5 for the grammatical errors and the entertaining factor. Keep it up and don't be discouraged. Everyone struggles with this in the beginning. Good job and thanks for sharing. Have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
didn't know if he was doing this to impress others at the party of{C:lblue]or? just to? remind himself what a great purchase he made.
Bill didn't respond to my snide comment(. He) he just gave me a blank stare.
Still determined to somehow get a rise out of Bill(,) I tried another approach.
It caused chaos(,)"chimed-no capitalization Chimed in a girl from Australia
You did a good job with some of this, although some parts were a bit rough. The passage: "Long before I have to go
take the forlorn path
I have to chase away my shadow"
This seems like it is missing some words. Perhaps you should try something like: Long before I have to leave, to take the forlorn path,
And: Deserted.
Crossroads.
I'm not sure about the period after deserted. especially if it is deserted crossroads. Just my opinion.
roll call. This should be capitalized since it's a new sentence and following a period.
I rate this a 3.5 because of the things I marked and the lack of description. Watch out for using periods at the wrong places and not capitalizing the first words of new sentences. I did enjoy the line: "A white lily.
a needle with its thread slipping out." Although A needs to be capitalized since it's the first word of a new sentence and follows a period.
This piece is truly moving. I felt for the little girl who was embarrassed by something her mother worked so hard to do. Chilren can be cruel and they do not know the value of hard work over something that is bought. The shift between the past and the present threw me a little bit. Perhaps you could find a way to smooth this out? Other than that, I thought it was flawless. I nearly cried when I read about her mother losing her mind. That is so sad. I could not imagine going through something like that. I rated this a 4.5 because of the scene shift. But, you did such a great job. Keep up the wonderful work. I look forward to reading more by you. Have a great day and thank you so much for sharing.
I loved this piece. You did a great job with the description and portraying the little brother as a huge pest, the parent who always overlooks the younger child's annoyance, and the teenage girl's obvious hope for maturity. She shows this when she lets her brother keep the room she wants and finds the good in what she is stuck with. Even if it does smell bad. I rate this a 4.5 because it seems to me a few lines should be italicized since they seem to be thoughts. This is just my opinion and perhaps it is wrong. I'm not great at the personal thoughts thing yet. Getting there though. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
Happy writing,
Sara
Line Edits: I’m tired and hungry and to think I’m about to lose my bedroom…
Oh, that’s it!
How long has this thing been in here
Had the previous owners seen and simply ignored it, or did they not see it at all?
Well, there’s really no harm in trying it, is there? The red sentences are all things I think might need to be italicized but not certain.
“Its view is the neighbor’s wallI didn't care too much for the structure of this sentence. Try something like, the view is
This was a bit different than what I am used to. There was no rhyming or comparing. I'm not sure about the stone part though. I like the part about sanity promising betrayal and the ending verse, One moment ends it all. Good job. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and have a great day.
I noticed you tried to remain consistent with your one two rhyming. I don't think it counts when you use the same two words twice. example is in the last verse when you say Lenore, you, Lenore, you. I don't know about that last verse. And I think with the line, I have tasted a part of you one time, i think it would sound good to put i have tasted a part of you at one time. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a great day.
To me, it seem there are some words missing in this poem. Perhaps you don't see it that way and neither do others. I could be the only one. I am not an expert when it comes to pieces like this. I did enjoy the use of the body parts and their comparisions for how they were to how they are now. Have a great day. Keep up the good work.
Review Follows:
This piece needs a lot of work. You shift verb tenses from past to present in the same sentence and there is one paragraph that has no periods! It's one big, long, drawn out, full of fluff sentence. This is a no-no. You need to learn to work on creating tight, consise sentences that don't repeat information or words, (ex. you use before and first in the same sentence even though they mean the same thing. They did not feel any regret for having a baby first before getting married.) You need to remember to capitalize the names and to use them more often when you go a while without using them. There are missing commas and extra spaces between a few of your words.
I have already sent you a detailed line by line edit with some suggestions via private review. I hope you find them helpful and not offensive. It is not my intention to make you feel like you are doing a bad job or that I am trying to re-write your work for you. Don't give up. You'll have a great story when you work out the kinks. If you have any questions or need help with anything in the future, let me know. I'd be glad to help.
This piece needs a lot of work. You shift verb tenses from past to present in the same sentence and there is one paragraph that has no periods! It's one big, long, drawn out, full of fluff sentence. This is a no-no. You need to learn to work on creating tight, consise sentences that don't repeat information or words, (ex. you use before and first in the same sentence even though they mean the same thing. They did not feel any regret for having a baby first before getting married.) You need to remember to capitalize the names and to use them more often when you go a while without using them. There are missing commas and extra spaces between a few of your words.
I have already sent you a detailed line by line edit with some suggestions via private review. I hope you find them helpful and not offensive. It is not my intention to make you feel like you are doing a bad job or that I am trying to re-write your work for you. Don't give up. You'll have a great story when you work out the kinks. If you have any questions or need help with anything in the future, let me know. I'd be glad to help.
you look deep. perhaps you look deep within? make sure to add a space between the comma and the 'you look deep'
With you( my strengths shine and my weaknesses fade
When I look into your eyes(,) not only do I see my future.(,)
You are my soul(')s counterpoint.
I have made some minor corrections to this piece. Nothing major. Just a missing comma and such. I did not really connect with this piece but I am sure there are people that will. It was good but there was not really any emotion here. Just a list of things the person does. Again, this is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing this. Keep on writing. Have a great day.
I clicked on your work by accident but the title grabbed me and I had to read it. I'm glad I did. It was a great piece. You are right that one common goal can accomplish alot but in this day and age, with everyone as self-involved as they are, most are not going to have the same goal as the rest of the people. Right now, it's more like the different goals of thirty people. If only we could all contribute to one major cause or another, like global warming or curing cancer. Supporting Saint Jude. Anyways, thanks for sharing this. Again, I enjoyed it and wish you the best. Have a great day and keep up the great work.
This piece was good. There were no flaws or grammatical errors that I could spot and you did a good job of using words to let us visualize the scenery, the movements, the action of nature. I love the description, how you incorporate most of the seasons and tie them together into winter's snowflakes. I could clearly picture every part in my mind. From the snow coming down, to where it takes it's rest on the flowers. And then they melt. Wonderful job. I rate this a 4.5. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.
This piece is perfection. I could not find a single flaw in it. I love the way you gave squirrels a voice. I rated this a five because it was light, humourous witha ring of truth about it, and there were no mistakes or flaws at all. Great job. Keep up the wonderful work. I truly enjoyed this.
Summary:Kitty gets a once in a lifetime opportunity to interview a bomber on death row. She hopes it will be enough to earn her a Pulitzer. The man she talks to is frightening and he doesn't give her a confession or the reason behind his bombings. She stays with him until his injunction comes through. As the criminal, Kitty and a guard are walking to an elevator, the building across the street blows up. Irwin reacts gleefully to the explosion.
Plot:Katherine Alvarez goes for an interview with a man who's about to be executed. She is frightened by him, despite his assurances that she will not be harmed. She tries to get Irwin to admit what the bomb materials were for and why he blew up a cop car and boat full of people out for a ride. The man has silly reasons that Kitty does not understand. His lawyer is across the street appealing for an injunction. The reporter decides to wait with the man to see his reaction when he gets the news. As they are walking with a guard to the elevators, the building across the street is blown up, the judge and his lawyer inside. Kitty is rushed out of the prison but she overhears the guard tel the prisoner he will not get a stay.
Characters: Kitty, the reporter is doing the interview in the hopes of getting a Pulitzer out of it. She tries not to let her fear of Irwin show as she conducts the meeting.
Irwin has not admitted to any crime yet he is facing the death sentence anyways. The albino tries to convince his visitor that he will not hurt her. He seems like an odd man. One second, he babbles about crazy reasons for the things he does and he laughs when the building next store is blown up with the judge in it. Then, he gets angry when Kitty asks if he feels remorse for the things he did.
Setting: The descriptions are all very good.
Grammar:There were a few things I marked although they may not be accurate. Grammar is not my best trait. They are listed in the Line Edits below.
Just my Personal Opinion: I enjoyed this piece, although I'm not certain if Irwin is guilty or innocent. The building blowing up at the end could suggest that he did not do it, or it could suggest a copy cat that is trying to get Irwin out of jail. Other than that, everything about this piece worked great together. I rate this a 4 point because of the confusion and the few areas of grammar below. This is of course, just my opinion and this review is being wrote to express that and hopefully to be able to help you perfect an already great piece of writing. I hope you find this review useful. As always, it is your work and only you can decide what to do with it. Take what you can from this review and discard the rest. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work. Have a wonderful day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
state of Illinois, Indiana and Wisconsin. shouldn't it be states? Since there are more than one?
She blurted,(. It) it was one of the questions that burned to be asked.
What the hell was he talking about? Italicize this
"I ain't afraid of nuthin'(.)" Shouldn't there be a period after nuthin'?
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I rate this a 4.5 because it seems to me a few lines should be italicized since they seem to be thoughts. This is just my opinion and perhaps it is wrong. I'm not great at the personal thoughts thing yet. Getting there though. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.