Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid for Angel Army. This is review 4 of 10. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I enjoyed this touching, emotional piece about a person in mourning. I can see a woman, dealing with grieve yet determined not to cry. I imagine she knows if she starts, she might never stop. I can feel a pang of sympathy for this character, as she honors her loved one's memory, from when she talks about knowing he had to go, to when she said that their love had been expected to fail in their younger years, then when she apologizes because a tear rolls from her eye. Great job with showing emotion, grief and despair. The descriptions were vague but I do not feel it has detracted from the story any. There were no typos, grammatical errors, mistakes, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information. Nicely done.
I rate this a 4.5, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review to be helpful, honest and encouraging. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work. Have a wonderful day.
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid as part of Angel Army. This is review 3 of 10. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I enjoyed this short story about a lonely, desolate shack that has been abandoned by its owners' and used as a safe haven for the men wandering aimlessly across the country. You did a wonderful job using description to show us the air of loneliness and abandon that surrounded the ramshackle shack. I can hear the haunting laughs of good times gone by as the swaggie's camp there to escape the harshness of the drought ridden land. Nicely done with this. I like how you display a hope of the future by showing the God's decision to end the drought and let a new family start a way of life in the shack. Everything was nicely displayed and flowed well. The rhythm and rhyme was good and consistent. You tied up all loose ends and gave information at appropriate times. You ended this piece on a satisfactory note of hope for the future. There were no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, typos or repeated words or information. Good job.
I rate this a 4.5, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review to be helpful, honest and encouraging. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work. Have a wonderful day.
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid as part of Angel Army. This is Review 2 of 10. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I enjoyed this preview into the life of a true Australian. You did a wonderful job with the descriptions and with displaying a hard working man living in the outback, breaking his back to survive. I had no problem visualizing the scenes, the hard life of a "Cow Cockie". I enjoyed your use of the lingo and the passage from Clancy of the Overflow. You fit this in very well. The story flowed nicely, tying up all the loose ends and ending satisfactorily. You had no grammatical errors, misspellings, typos or other mistakes. I did find one or two sentences that did not flow as well as the rest of the story due to the overuse of the same word. They are listed below. I rate this a 4, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review to be helpful, honest and encouraging. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work. Have a wonderful day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
Our harsh country will not beat him and the weather won't defeat him you repeat beat him and defeat him and it stands out.
And all those who choose to live here, reap much more than what they give here, You repeat here twice.
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid as part of Angel Army. This is Review 1 of 10. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I felt this poem was very well written, with a lot of emotion, passion and well displayed descriptions. There were no grammatical errors, misspellings, typos, overly repeated words or information, or other mistakes. Nicely done. This piece flowed very well, with a good ending. You tied up all loose ends properly and satisfactorily. I rate this a 4.5, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review to be helpful, honest and encouraging. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work. Have a wonderful day.
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I enjoyed this spin on the Civil War. As a Southerner, you can imagine my pleasure that Johnny remained with his rightful side. I do agree however that the war had no point. This goes for a lot of wars though. The story line was good but you had a major problem with passive voice, long drawn out sentences, TELLing, instead of SHOWing, and some other general technical problems. These are easily corrected once you know what to look for and how to avoid it. The story flowed fairly well, with the kinks worked out. I think with some revisions, this piece could be very good and expanded to make a longer story. You also need to learn how to use the descriptions better by the characters' points of views rather than just telling the reader how they look. As I said, all of this is easily repaired. You need to have someone do a proofreading line by line edit to fix the grammar errors and sentence issues.
to find a suitable review. Or check out my personal review forum, "Invalid Item" to help you with these issues.
I rate this a 3, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story. I think on entertainment alone, this would be rated a 4 in my personal opinion.
I hope you have found this review helpful, honest and encouraging. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend!
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I am doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I enjoyed this piece. You did a good job of showing the reason you feel for your companion. The details, descriptions and comparisons were well written. I did find one line that did not fit in with the flow of the poem. You repeated the same word in both lines and it sort of stuck out. Other than that one line, you did a good job of not using overly repeated words, repeated information. There were no grammatical errors, misspellings, typos, or other mistakes. Nicely done. I rate this a 4, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review helpful, honest and encouraging. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend!
Happy Writing,
Sara
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Line Edits:
Which relieves me when my days are gray. You repeat days in the previous line. It sticks out. Perhaps you can find an alternative word?
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I loved this piece. I felt the love from your grandfather, your joy that he gave you a nickname, your pain and sorrow when you had to live without him, and your fright when you sat under that tree. You did a great job with rhyme, rhythm, and story flow. Your grammar was perfect, there were no overly used words, no repeated information, no typos, misspellings or other mistakes. Awesome job. You did a fantastic job of balancing description, emotion, action and dialogue to create a wonderful, and moving, poem.
I rate this a 5, because it was displayed perfectly. There is nothing that needed any work, and nothing you should change or improve. I do not give out a 5 rating lightly. I feel a piece has to be above and beyond to get this, and yours has done that. This rating is based on entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I wish I could give you some advice to help you out, but there is nothing I can offer you other than to keep up the great work! I hope you have found this review helpful, honest and encouraging. Thanks for sharing this moving piece. Have a great weekend!
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I enjoyed this small segment. You did a good job with keeping a consistent rhythm and rhyme, with no overly used words, repeated information, grammatical errors, mistakes, typos, or misspellings. Nicely done. I enjoyed your reference to the Boatman. It's not often you see people who still mention paying tribute to this man so he will take your recently deceased loved one to the other side. You made sure to express your sorrow, while showing us that you can take comfort in the fact that your dearly beloved dog will be safe in the afterlife. Good job with this. I rate this a 4, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review helpful, honest and encouraging. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend!
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review on behalf of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
First off, I could not really see how your introduction had anything to do with your poem. I did not see anything in the contents that would lead the reader to think the girl is carrying such a heavy burden. I feel that you have shown a girl who can see through the veil of lies humanity has woven, to the despair and cruelty of man kind hiding beneath. You did a great job with using elaborate descriptions that the reader could picture, but there was one passage that did not seem to make much sense to me. This is my opinion of course and others might not feel the same.
Expecting nothing, a blackened
kiss leads to her own ruin.
She finds a way promising perfection;
shatters the knife that stutters the lies.
On a positive note, you did a good job with the words and structure of the story. It flowed in a correct manner, not jumping back and forth in time. I did not find any overly used words, no repeating information, no grammatical mistakes or misspellings, typos or other mistakes. Nicely done. I do enjoy the insight of a young girl who has too much experience with the realities of life. You did a good job of portraying her as jaded and distraught, angry and hopeless. I rate this a 4, for entertainment and story structure combined. I feel it is more important to rate on both of these areas together to allow the writer to get a feel of the reader's impression at that moment, rather than just how they enjoyed the story.
I hope you have found this review helpful, honest and encouraging. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend!
Hi, I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive. I hope you find this review honest, helpful and encouraging. I have already sent you a private review of line edits, centering on a problem I noticed you, like most of us, have with passive voice. I hope you do not become offended by my comments but rather embrace them with the helpful nature they are offered.
I found this to be a humorous story about a man who needed a little loosening up. I did notice you had a lot of TELLING, rather than SHOWING in the beginning of the story. This improved as the story progressed. You also had a problem with passive voice and repeating words and information. All of this is easily fixed by simple revisions. You did a fair amount of detail, although I could handle more. I would like to know why Mike had dyed his hair in the first place. Since this is the basis of your story, I feel you should give an explanation about the reason, to tie up the loose end. This story would be very good with a little polishing. Don't be discouraged. You have the talent, now all you need is the revisions. Nothing is ever perfect on the first try. I did like the overall story, with the stuffy guy having something unusual happen to him and he has to adjust to be awkward looking. Your dialogue is very good as well as the description of Isaac.
Overall, I give this piece a 3.5 for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it is more beneficial to the writer to know the reader's opinion of the piece as a whole at that moment rather than just rate on entertainment, which really doesn't help the writer at all. On entertainment alone, I would rate this a 4.5. You had some good description, good dialogue, good action at the end. There were no grammatical errors or misspelled words, only a few repeated words and information. The story flowed well and had a nearly perfect ending, if you had included why his hair had been dyed in the first place. Perhaps as revenge for chopping off such beautiful hair? We, well I, would like to know. Have a great weekend. Thanks for sharing this funny piece and keep up the good work.
Hi I'm and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive. I hope you find this review helpful, honest and encouraging. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are just my opinions, given to hopefully provide you help in furthering your work along.
I enjoyed this small segment. It was a very nice peek into the life you lived. You did a good job of describing the sounds that would surround you. I admire your determination not to let one sense gone keep you from living life using the other four. Thank you for sharing this piece. I could not think of another title for you to use. Perhaps something to do with the loss of one sense only strengthens the others? "I'm stronger for what I've lost" or "A world of sounds"? might inspire you to find a good title. Maybe "Just Me"? Sorry I could not be of more help here. I found no repetative words or information, no typos, grammatical errors, mistakes, misspellings or any other problems. I did mark one suggestion under line edits.
I rate this a 4, for entertainment and story structure. I feel it is important to rate using both of these together to give the writer a good idea of how their work affected the reader, overall, at that moment, rather than use just the entertainment factor, which rarely changes, even after revisions.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
The sound of my dog’s tag’s chimingI'm not sure about using the word chiming here. Perhaps clinking together would be more appropriate or something of the sort? Just a suggestion.
Hi I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive. I hope you find my review helpful, honest and encouraging.
I enjoyed this poetic story. You did a good job with descriptions and showing the emotion of a new widow as she relived her marriage. There were no grammatical errors, mistakes, misspellings, or typos. Good job with that. There are no repetative words or repeating information. I like how through it all, the deceased husband always claimed their love is what got them through. I did mark a few things in my line edits.
I rate this a 4, for poetic structure and entertainment factor. I feel it is important to rate on both of these two things rather than just on entertainment alone, which rarely changes with revisions. By using both in the rating, the author can get a good impression of their work on the reader as a whole and at that particular moment in time. Thank you for sharing this inspiring and loving piece. Have a great weekend and keep up the good work. I hope you have found this helpful.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
he said later his life was ebbing away he said later his life had been ebbing awayI think to change it to this tense would be better. It shows that it had happened in the past rather than occurring then as the was ebbing suggests.
He always claimed our love was life’s best perk. this is passive voice. watch for that. form of to be+past participle=passive voice. Here, it will be was life's best perk.
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Hi, I'm happy mommy and I have reviewed this piece as a suggestion from Dan. I found this to be a wonderful story, full of a mother(and grandmother's) love, and the excitement that only a young child can provide. I loved reading this story of a young girl's first fishing trip. As a mother with a daughter who's about to be three(coincedintally, her name is Katie too, well Kaydence but we call her Kady) I know all about the joy the woman in this story has experienced. You did a wonderful job of allowing it to show through, as well as showing a mother's love and surprise that her children have grown up faster than she has realized. This is a bittersweet realization that I believe all parents go through and you captured it very well. You had a bit of a problem with passive voice, as do most writers who do not know how to watch for this. I have marked them in your separate line edits. The descriptions and emotions of this story were very good. I found no grammatical errors, only a few repetative word usages, no misspellings, typos or other mistakes. Good job with this. I rate this a 4, based on entertainment and story structure. I feel it is important to rate a writer's story as it is whole and pertains to the moment rather than just on entertainment which will not change much as the story is revised. For entertainment alone, I would have rated this a 5. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work. Have a wonderful day. I hope you have found my review helpful.
This was a wonderful and uplifting story that had an inspiring ending. There were no grammatical errors, misspellings, mistakes, repetative words or information, or problem areas except one missing comma. The description and emotion were written magnificently and I felt pulled into the story and sympathized for the man down on his luck. This piece was greatly written and I enjoyed it immensely. I rate this a 4.5 for grammar and entertainment factor. I feel it is only fair to rate for both of these things combined rather than only the entertainment area which really does not help the writer out as a review should do. If I were to rate on the entertaiment alone, this would have receieved a 5. Nicely done. I hope you find this review helpful and honest. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing another wonderful piece. Have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
As he pulled his gloves from his pocket(,) the envelope from the mortgage company fell to the floor.
This is yet another wonderful piece by phoenix. I find you to be a wonderful and talented writer with a niche for for making wonderful rhymes. This piece gives off all a great expression of all the things a person would hear at night in the country. You have successfully summed up some of my favorite things about living in the South. You kept a consistent rhyme and rhythm with a flow throughout the poem. I found a few problems listed below, but nothing major. There were no grammatical errors, repetative words or information, misspellings, or other mistakes. Only two typos. Way to go. I rate this a 4 for the entertainment and overall structure. I feel it only fair to rate with these combined rather than just by using the entertainment factor, which does not really help the writer in the long run. If I were to rate on entertaiment alone, it would get a 4.5. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. I hope you find this review helpful. Have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
Frogs sang songs from their garden bed. You have an extra space between sang and songs
Clouds move soft fingers alongI'd add a period after this line to end the sentence.
I loved this piece as well. A great rhyme with wonderful rhythm and description. I could picture everything perfectly. There were no repetative words or information, grammatical errors, mistakes, misspellings, or problem areas. Great job with all of this. I rate this another 5. There is nothing I would suggest to change or correct and the only advice I can offer yet again, is to keep up the great work. Have a wonderful day and thanks for sharing this light, airy, joyful piece.
I loved this piece. I could find no flaws whatsoever. There are no repetative words, misspellings, typos, grammatical errors or other mistakes. You kept a wonderful rhythm and rhyme and the descriptions were magnificent and carefully thought out. I rate this a 5 because I could not find anything I would suggest changing. The only piece of advice I can offer is to keep up the great work. Have a wonderful day and thanks for sharing this great piece.
I am glad you told me to read this piece. It was cute and funny, and well thought out. I like how you did with the people. Wonderful job. I did not mark this but I wanted to comment on it anyways. You should italicize the personal thoughts. There were a bunch and I think those really obvious ones should be italicized so that it goes better for the proper format. This whole story flowed very well and provided a large dose of amusement. There were no grammatical errors, misspellings, or repetative words/information. There did appear to be two typos. I rate this a 4, for the grammatical errors and entertainment factor combined. I feel it is better to rate an item based on both of these rather than just the entertainment factor. I believe it is more beneficial for a writer to see how their story stands with a reader at that moment so they can decide whether or not they should do revisions. On entertainment alone, I would have rated this a 5. Great job. Keep up the amazing work and thanks for sharing. I needed a good, easy laugh. Have a wonderful day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
To me(,) she was all sensuous curves under a painted-on red cocktail dress just long enough to be legal, flowing red hair, full lips the same shade as the dress, and flashing emerald eyes.
“I got an email on my Blackberry, he’s vacationing in the Caymans. So, what’ll it be?”There were too many spaces between the Caymans and the So.
Hi, I’m Sara and I’m doing this review as a request for your post in
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I have spent nearly an hour working on this chapter and I hope you find it satisfactory for your needs. Everything I have commented on are my opinions and should only be seen as a way of helping, which is the nature in which I have offered them. Do not feel offended by the amount of corrections I may or may not have given. This is merely a reflection of myself as a reviwer and not on you as a writer. If you have any questions about any of this, please feel free to email me. Thank you for allowing me the chance to read and critique your work.
Characters: Raff is a little boy who tries to be brave in a tough situation. He tries to protect his friend, as well as his mother’s secret about her ‘meetings’. When he is interrogated, he remains strong, even after the guards have tried to intimidate him with pain. He worries afterwards that he has caused irreperable damage from some information he accidentally let slip. The actions of this child are good and his dialogue is consistent with that of a brave boy trying to be older than he is. I would like to see a bit more description of him. What color hair he might have, or the color eyes. His clothing?
Gene seems to be the youngest and most frightened of the three children. When he is interrogated, he comes back with tears. He takes it upon himself to ease drop through the door and alerts the others when he hears the guards coming for them. A small amount of description has been given for him but I wonder about his body type. Is he a plump little boy or skinny? From his comment about the food, I would imagine him to be a bit pudgy and have a love for food. And one more thing you did not tell us, how old is he?
Mia is a twelve year old girl, acting very brave in the face of such terror. She stands up to the guard as if he is nothing more than a child her own age. There isn’t really any physical description of her but from the air about her, I can surmise that she is only trying to be brave and is really quite frightened. She goes with the guards and comes back with dried up tears. She acts unconcerned when they are told that their parents will be taken away. I look forward to seeing what she does in the next chapter.
General Sherman Welck is a Protectorate who interrogates the children for information about the children’s parents and the meetings Raff’s mother has. He keeps the guard from getting too rough with the children. The description of him is partially great. I would like to see a bit more though, like perhaps how tall he is or the color of his hair or eyes.
Setting: The descriptions here are very good. I could picture almost everything perfectly. Nicely done.
Plot: A day of boating is interrupted by the arrival of guards at the home of Mia and Gene. Gene and Raff hide in the boat and float away until Mia shows up at the edge with a guard and gets them to come back. The guard forces the three into a room, where they are left alone. Mia tells Raff his mom and her parents are upstairs. The guards come into the room and take each child out for separate interrogation. Raff accidently admits that his mother has meetings after they play cards and worries this might be dangerous to her work with the Underground. The Protectorate took the kids outside and puts them in a car with Welck. They see their parents standing at gun point near the boat shed. The plot flows very well, with the conflict escalating as the story progresses. The author gives vague insights into a world of trouble with an Underground movement working to avoid a world that becomes a prison.
Referencing: I do not know the time frame this story takes place in. From the mention of the car, I can guess that it is somewhere in the present, or perhaps in the earlier years. Nothing really points to the year or even the time period in general.
Grammar: You had a bit of a problem with Passive Voice. I used to have the same problem. I marked them and gave examples of how rewrite the sentence avoiding P.V. It is easy to adjust to once you know what to use. Also, you had a few repetative words and missing commas. All of this is listed below in green. Please do not fret over the amount of colored comments or think that I am trying to write your story for you. I do not expect, nor would suggest, using the exact sentences I have rewritten. They are merely an example, some being rather poor, to show you how it should work. I hope you are able to understand my corrections and find them useful.
Just My Personal Opinon: I found your story to be intriguing and very well written, despite a few grammatical mistakes that all writers make in the beginning. You did a good job of capturing the reader’s attention and keeping it until the last word. You offer enough tidbits of information that the reader will want to keep on reading to learn more about the Underground you mention and more about these Protectorates. Good job with this! I rate this piece a 4, with a combined entertainment factor and for the grammatical errors. I feel that rating a product as a whole and not just for the entertainment factor is more beneficial to the writer as it gives them an idea of how their story affects the reader at that moment. If I were to rate on entertainment alone, I would give this piece a 4.5.
I enjoyed this piece. You did a great job of making a sensual story with great description. I could clearly feel the woman's excitment, anticipation and allure to the diamonds she loved. You did not have a problem with repetative words or information. There were a bit of grammatical errors though, especially with semi-colon usage. I did not find any misspelt words. See Line Edits below for my suggestions. They are just my opinions and you should use them as such. I only offer them as a means of helping. I hope you find them useful. I rate this a 4, based on the grammar problems and the entertainment factor. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
Could it really have gone that wrong? You need to italicize this
Let’s see;The semi-colon should actually be a colon :
wash away the tension; she reluctantly turned it off I think instead of a semi-colon, you should just use a comma here.
but let’s make this last.” Extra space between this and last.
Like the tail of a dark, leathery, comet, I don't think the comma after leathery is necessary. JMO
Should she take them to bed? Italicize this sentence
In the lights from the house(,) the stones burned like phosphorous in her hands as she poured them from one to the other.
When the contents spilled onto the table(,) her breath involuntarily quickened and her skin pebbled as chills crawled up her spine
When she could think straight again(,) she glanced at the table and smiled
I found this piece interesting. There was a wonderful amount of description and emotion portaying in your work. You did have some grammatical errors but there were no misspellings, or overly repetative words or information. You had a satisfactory ending and you tied everything up nicely. Great job with this. I rate this a 3.5 for the mistakes. Rated on entertainment factor alone, I would have given a 4. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and have a great day. I hope you find this review helpful.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits
oh the moon was grim, as if refusing to submit, to its call. I don't think the comma after submit is needed
The notes strained out of his throat, likea deep and rumbling violin.
Elpest. My brother, he whispered. The underlined part needs to be put in quotations or italicized if he's thinking it.
It was the in the laughing dawn of time that
I will fly to the sun for there are worlds of treasure, he had said. The underlined part needs to be in quotation marks or italicized if it is a thought.
You did a great job of keeping consistent with the rhyme and rhythm of this poem, however there are a few things I marked below. I agree with your reasoning that a man who sets goals and makes dreams while he is awake will succeed much faster and farther than a man who only dreams and never tries to make them come true. You do a good job of using descriptive comparisons in your writing. There were no grammatical errors, one misuse of a plural word, no typos or other mistakes. Good job. I rate thi a 4. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and have a great day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
Visions from the night sky gleams, I think it should be gleam not gleams. And I would put an 'A' before Melody on the next line.
I don't know about your use of the word laudable. Use if this word does not really fit into the rhythm of the rest of your poem.
I enjoyed this piece. You did a good job of leading the reader to your opinion through comparison rather than just telling them, I think it's great we are all different. I loved the things you used to get your point across. My favorite, If every leaf or flower,
Or every rock or tree,
All looked the same to me
I do not think this needs a question mark after it though. Just my opinion. Very good job. You kept a consistance rhythm and rhyme. This made for very pleasant reading with a great message hidden within. I rate this a 4.5. Nicely done. Have a great day. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.
You tastefully broached a touchy subject of child abuse and did it in a way that seems very personal, like you have personally experienced it. You kept a consistent rhythm and rhyme without having to use repetative words to make it work. Nicely done. There were no grammatical errors, other than a missed comma or two, and only one misspelled word, no typos and no other mistakes. Good job. I rate this a 4. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Suffering dieing.I think it should be spelled dying
First, let me tell you what I did like about this piece. You give the reader a hint of the difficulties you have faced and promise to elaborate on them at a further date. Most people are curious about human interest pieces such as this so they will read on to see what you have to say. I will be one of those. I love reading about people who have by-passed the limitations or expectations society has put on them because of a handicap or disability.
Now, for the things that I did not like about this piece. You use a lot of repetative words and you give the same information more than once. There are quite a few misspellings and improper use of words. These are easily fixed by running a spell-check, watching for which form of the word you would like to use, and re-reading your work. You can also have someone proof-read for you. Others will often catch mistakes you have overlooked. If you do not have anyone to do this for you, I'd be happy to help.
I have sent you a line by line edit via private review before this review. Please do not be offended by my corrections and suggestions. They have been given in a helpful and encouraging nature. I wish you luck in your revisions. You might decide not to use my opinions. That is fine. I hope you find these helpful. I rate this a 3 because of the misspellings, word usage, and repeated information. Keep on writing. Have a great day and I look forward to reading on.
Happy Writing,
Sara
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