Hi Cathryn Anne Northam I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this poem about a sister and brother going to get their mother's ashes to go bury next to her husband. You had some of the lines rhyming and those worked very good. Nicely done. You did misspell the word 'cemetery' There's no 'a' in the word. The ending was interesting. The brother seemed to react differently to his mother's death than the sister. I guess everyone deals with grief differently. There are no grammatical errors, typos, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas.
I rate this a 4, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hi percy goodfellow I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this poem. It's very cute. The rhyme and rhythm combine very well for a humorously written piece. This poem flowed nicely and progressed to a wonderful ending. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas.
I rate this a 4.5, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hi Meiraaa I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this short poem. You do a good job of trying to motivate others to know that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect at everything. Your descriptions and emotions are good. Your new found self belief is evident in your words. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. The piece progressed nicely, flowed well and had a wonderfully satisfying ending.
I rate this a 4, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hi Sairyn Raine I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I loved this piece. I'm a mother too, only my two children are now 4 and 3. One boy and one girl. I miss the days when they were younger but they are a lot of fun now. So independent. They barely need me for anything anymore. I could not imagine having to work and leave my children with a daycare. I think it takes a strong woman to be able to do that. Nice work with this. You show your love for your daughter with every word. The actions, dialogue, descriptions and emotions all worked very well. Good job.
There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas.I rate this a 4.5, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hi RedButterfly I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
Very great work! I loved this poem. The poem flowed well, and progressed very well to a satisfactory ending. There is a very good amount of emotion in this piece and it has some rhyming lines that are excellent. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas.
I rate this a 5, for for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hi Cassidy I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this poem about a woman waiting, waiting through the seasons for 'him' to come back home. Very good descriptions. You used the scenes well and it combined together to make a very enjoyable piece. The rhythm worked well, flowed nicely and progressed to a wonderful ending. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas.
I rate this a 4.5, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hello, Joy I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review for Simply Positive. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this poem. I can feel your passion for reading. The lines worked very well. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. My favorite verse is, "I'm happy to live the life of a pack-rat." You show that reading is who you are, what you do and you will continue to do that, no matter how you have to go about getting the material. Great work.
I rate this a 4, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
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Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
This is for Chapter 2 only.
PLOT -
Did it make sense? Did the chapter flow or was it choppy? Did anything stand out that needs clarification? Point out anything you feel necessary. Maruk is an Untouchable who's trying to group the others together so they will be stronger and capable of doing something more with life than just trying to survive. The meeting is broken up by a small group of gifted comes and starts killing everyone. Maruk tries to get the group to move toward the trees.
SETTING -
Could you picture the scene in your mind? Could you taste, touch and feel with the characters? What would you suggest to enhance the scene and make it come alive? I'd like to see more about the surroundings. What season is it? What temperature? What time of day? Is it a clearing? Is the stage really a stage or just a makeshift stage?
CHARACTERS -
Were they believable? What didn't you like, or did you like about them that stood out? Maruk seems like a strong Untouchable. He wants to unite everyone so that they can actually live life instead of struggling to stay alive. When the group is attacked, he tries to get the group to move towards the trees.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Point out anything you notice. Was the dialogue believable? In tune with each character? There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. Good job.
MY POV -
An overall opinion of what you've read.For book chapters - Would you read more of this story? Why or why not? I enjoyed this chapter too. I enjoyed seeing a strong Untouchable, who's tired of being hunted and wants to help others. I felt sympathy for their situation and anger that they are treated so harshly just because they do not have powers. Nicely done.
I rate this a 4, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
~~~This review is brought to you by Chatterbox Review Central Group.~~~
This is for Chapter One only. Chapter Two will be a separate review.
Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
PLOT -
Did it make sense? Did the chapter flow or was it choppy? Did anything stand out that needs clarification? Point out anything you feel necessary. A young girl refuses to take the Competence Exam, much to the dismay of her classmates. She will become an Untouchable. Very interesting idea. The part about her cousin did confuse me a bit.
SETTING -
Could you picture the scene in your mind? Could you taste, touch and feel with the characters? What would you suggest to enhance the scene and make it come alive? I'd like to see more about the scenes, the smells, the characters around her. Are there double beds in her room? And what about the faces of the children her uncle hunted? Are they pictures, spirits, heads hanging on the wall as trophies? Be a bit more specific here.
CHARACTERS -
Were they believable? What didn't you like, or did you like about them that stood out? Tanei is a girl who refuses to do like the rest of the class. I do not know if she has powers that she refuses to use or if she just doesn't have any. Why is she so rebelling about the test?
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Point out anything you notice. Was the dialogue believable? In tune with each character? No issues.
MY POV -
An overall opinion of what you've read. For book chapters - Would you read more of this story? Why or why not? I will be reading more of this book to find out more about this unique world. Good job with it.
There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. I rate this a 4, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
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Hi, croaton I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Talent Pond. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
This story was very good. I do feel that you might have repeated the word 'fish' a bit too much in the beginning and you need to exclude the phrase 'I replied' from the quotations marks at the end but everything else worked great. The details were wonderful and I could sense your excitement as you got to with your father. Fishing is very fun and I could not imagine a little boy hooking such a big fish! I bet you were so thrilled. Nicely done with this. The story flowed well, progressed at a smooth rate and ended on a wonderful note.
I rate this a 4.5, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
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Hello Drew92 I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Talent Pond. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
You did a very good job with this poem. I'm not familiar with the form you used so I will not comment on that. You used enough words to make the fear and panic come alive for the reader. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas.
I rate this a 4.5, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hello fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to fulfill your package purchase in "Invalid Item" This is Review 10 of 10 poetry/short story reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
Very good job using another person's item titles to create a very good poem that makes a lot of sense. I enjoyed reading this piece about a woman who's new love helps her escape the past. Nice job. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. Great work. There's nothing I would suggest changing or improving.
I rate this a 4.5 for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. I hope you have enjoyed my port raid as much as I've enjoyed doing it. Keep up the good work. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to delve into your work. Have a wonderful day.
Hello fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to fulfill your package purchase in "Invalid Item" This is Review 9 of 10 poetry/short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
This piece has brought to light a very serious matter I'm sure most of us completely overlook. Children can be very cruel and they are very creative in their method of bashing each other. I hope that others find this piece as informative and disturbing as I have and seek out ways to avoid having this happen to their loved ones or by them. Good work with that. I found no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. Good job. There is nothing I would suggest changing or that needs improving. Nicely done.
I rate this a 4.5, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hello fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to fulfill your package purchase from "Invalid Item" This is Review 8 of 10 poetry/short story reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this story about a storyteller who tells people of our times. I could not imagine seeing mankind digress to such primal standards. You do a wonderful job of using real events and objects in your story of the future. I loved how you created your own words to go along with the time. This story was very easy to follow. It flowed well, progressed nicely and ended wonderfully. I especially like the slyness of the story teller's actions. Very smart thinking. There were no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving with this piece. Great work.
I rate this a 5, for perfection. There is nothing I think you need to fix or change. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day.
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Hi ShiShad I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of Talent Pond. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this emotional piece about a lost love during summer. You used good word selections for your rhyming words and the flow of the poem went smoothly. I did notice that you used a rhythm of ABBA for the first verse then on your second and third verses, you went with a format of ABAB. I do not think it really hurt the poem's overall turn out but I did feel I should point out the variation in case you need to pay attention to consistent rhythm patterns in the future.There were no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information, or other problem areas. Good job.
I rate this a 4, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day.
On a separate note, I love how you have your portfolio organized. Everything is very easy to find and pleasing to the eye. Congratulations on all the ribbons! That's a very nice collection and quite an accomplishment.
Happy Writing,
Sara
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Hello SonofDrogo I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as part of The Talent Pond. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I loved this piece! It's awesome. You did a wonderful job of writing about stage fright and I felt like I was reading a grown-up version of Dr. Seuss. I loved the humor you added with his 'advice' and how the two 'yous' argued. It was easy to follow and brought a smile to my face. There were no typos, grammatical errors, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. The poem flowed well and had a terrific rhyme and rhythm. The ending was satisfactory and tied up the previously offered information nicely. Great job.
I rate this a 4.5 for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this awesomely written piece. Have a wonderful day.
Happy Writing,
Sara
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Hello fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to fulfill your package purchase from "Invalid Item" This is Review 7 of 10 poem/short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this poem about winter. You use wonderful comparisons to weave a detailed poem about winter. Very interesting selections. It worked very well. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There are no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. Way to go. I rate this a 4, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful day.
Hello fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to honor your package purchase from "Invalid Item" This is Review 6 of 10 poetry/short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this insight into your family history and the struggles previous generations endured. I am also of Irish descent but I do not consider myself an Irish-American. Most people are not just one race. In this day and age, we are a combination of things. Why must we focus on just one because of the stuff they went through. To be proud of your ancestors is one thing. To try and mooch off of their hard work for your own gain is another. They moved to this country to give their children, grandchildren and so forth a better life. I don't think they expect us to claim to be something we are not. It is unlikely that 90% of the mixed populations will ever visit or live in their ancestors' homeland, therefore they truly can not claim to be that race. This is just an opinion, and the rantings of an over-opinionated, exhausted young mother of two pre-schoolers. The great thing about America, is that we have the freedom to express such opinions without fear of prosecution.
Back to what I'm supposed to be doing, there were no grammatical errors, typos, misspelled words, overly used words ore repeated information, and no other problem areas. The poem flows nicely and works well in reference to your recipe for American Stew. The ending ties up the loose ends of your opinions and finishes the poem on a great note. I rate this a 4 for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, which does not allow the writer to see how their work affected the reader as a whole, at that particular moment. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day.
Hello fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to honor your package purchase in "Invalid Item" This is Review 5 of 10 poem/short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I enjoyed this inspiring short story. You use great descriptions, thoughts and emotions to weave a story of a woman about to give up hope only to have it restored by the love of her husband and the pull of her dock. The way you describe her husband's actions are wonderful. He is very sweet and encouraging. I only found one thing I would suggest altering. There were no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information. Good job with that.
I rate this a 4.5 for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can see how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this awesomely written piece. Have a wonderful day.
Line Edits:
The first time we saw the property was a grayishcomma overcast day.Maybe this should be The first time we saw the property, it was a... or...The first time we saw the property was on a grayish, overcast day.
Hello, fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to honor your package purchase from "Invalid Item" This is Review 4 of 10 Poetry/Short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I do not know about the first whole verse. It doesn't sound like its worded right and it pulls the flow of the poem off. The rest of your words worked very well together, engaging the reader and making them feel respect, fear and sympathy for the victim and her courageous decision to testify against her attacker. You have a wonderful way of connecting with the reader through your words. I enjoyed this poem about a jaded woman attacked by someone she knew. The scars left behind will linger for long after the man is sentenced and serving time. Great work with this.
There were no typos, grammatical errors, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. Nicely done. I rate this a 4.5 for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two things rather than just entertainment which does not help the reader know how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day.
Hello, fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this port raid to honor your package purchase from "Invalid Item" This is Review 3 of 10 poetry/short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I agree with the line that it no longer matters why the boys did the shooting. What does matter is the young lives that were lost through a pointless death. Your poem does a wonderful job of expressing your opinion without being harsh or disrespectful. I enjoyed reading your words. There is nothing I would suggest changing or improving. There were no grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information. I enjoyed your reference to the lives lost as a flower that will never get to bloom. Great work.
I rate this a 4.5 for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two things rather than just entertainment which does not help the reader know how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing.
Hi fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this Port Raid to fulfill your package purchase for "Invalid Item" This is Review 2 of 10 of your poetry/short stories. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
You use good descriptions and realistic thoughts for a person who's become blind. I do feel that you might have used fairies and the word 'overly' a bit too much but it is a personal opinion, one you might not agree with. I enjoyed the use of fairies in general. They are one of my favorite fairy tale creatures. You use excellent word choices to describe the colors, like the trees. palest of greens against the vivid hues of the tree. There were no grammatical errors, typos, misspelled words or other problem areas. Good job with that. I rate this a 4, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two things rather than just entertainment which does not help the reader know how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing.
Happy Writing,
Sara
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Line Edits:
to not be really able to see things, clearly or otherwiseI think this would sound better if you phrased it like, to not be able to really see things
but to not be able to see things clearly you repeat clearly too much in my opinion. is what still sets in the panic, and what I still need to become accustomed to and to understand. I would suggest breaking this down. The inability to see things is what still sets in the panic. Yet, it's something I need to become accustomed to and understand. This is of course my suggestion and I hope you find it helpful.
but there was something in the tree and I couldn't quite see what it was through the blur and I so wanted to. This is long and drawn out. I'd suggest breaking it down and rewording it a bit. There was something in the tree, though I couldn't quite see what it was through the blur. I so wanted to.
Hello, fyn I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this Port Raid to fulfill your package purchase from "Invalid Item" This is Review 1 of 10 poetry/short story Reviews. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I sympathize with the distressing thoughts you display in this well written poem. I think a lot of people, especially here in America, are feeling the burden of the condition of our economy. You do a wonderful job of using words to express your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. There were not grammatical errors, typos, misspellings, overly used words or repeated information or other problem areas. Good job. I did suggest a few things. These, of course, are just my opinions and you should only use them if you agree. I rate this a 4, for poem structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two things rather than just entertainment which does not help the reader know how their story affected the reader as a whole, at that moment. Keep up the great work. Thanks for sharing.
Line Edits:
or told I am over qualified, I would suggest changing this to something like, I'm told I am over qualified
can't work for less just to have a job, Here, I would suggest something like, I can't...and add a period at the end.
sets a bad exampleComma they say. Finally, I'd suggest something like, It sets a bad example, they say
Happy Easter,
Sara
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Hello, Ieshwar I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as per your request in
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Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
Title: Beyond the Threshold
Author: Ieshwar
Chapter: Short Story
Characters: Amrita is an Indian woman and mother to two young girls. Her husband has changed from the caring man he used to be into a controlling, abusive jerk. Amrita tries to come up with a way to save her eldest daughter from the same fate as many other Indian women. She gets the courage to act and is able to get her family away from the strict suffering of women to a life where her daughters are free to do something without being tied down by men.
Harish is the husband to Amrita. He has caveman values when it comes to women. They are to do what he orders without question. He is furious that he did not have a boy so that he could charge others to marry his son and he resents that his eldest daughter, only sixteen, is going to cost so much to marry the boy he selected for her.
Deeepika is a sixteen year old girl with hopes and dreams of escaping the solemn life of women and becoming a teacher, being able to be somebody important without having to obey a man.
Priya is an old friend of Amrita and she offers the woman an escape from her current lifestyle, both for her and her two daughters.
Setting: The home of Amrita. There's not much descriptions anywhere but I do not feel the story suffers. The focus should be on the emotional journey Amrita is embarking on and the courage she finds deep within.
Plot: Amrita decides to work up enough courage to get her two daughters out of the harsh life of being a man's servant and allowing them to live how they want. She refuses to allow her sixteen year old daughter to give up her dreams to become trapped in a depressing, unhappy life.
Grammar: You need to learn how to italicize any personal thoughts. There were a few other minor issues. See my Line Edits for more explanation.
Just my Personal Opinion: I enjoyed watching Amrita find the courage to escape such an awful life style. You did a wonderful job of showing the life she had to live and making the reader feel sympathy for her and her young daughters. Great work with that. I rate this a 4, for story structure and entertainment combined. I feel it's better to rate for a combination of these two components rather than just entertainment alone, so that the writer can get a feel for how the story impacts the reader at that moment. Nicely done. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful weekend.
Happy Writing,
Sara
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Hello again 🌕 HuntersMoon I'm happy mommy and I'm doing this review as per your request via my email. Please remember all comments, suggestions and corrections are merely my personal opinions, given in a gesture of encouragement from one writer to another. These are in no way a reflection of you as a writer but myself as an editor. I hope you can embrace this review with the nature it's been presented and find something positive to take from it.
I think you did a very good job of writing this poem about a very real, very painful tragedy. You displayed great emotion, traumatic thoughts and pain, fright, anger, fear. Everything we felt after this event happened. I was young then, still in school and I was terrified to go back for fear that this could happen to us. Everything was displayed tastefully, without mocking or placating, and without using the event to garner your own popularity or gain. I'm very impressed by that. I did spot two things you might want to take a look at. They are listed below. Great job with this.
I rate this a 4.5, for poem structure and entertainment. By poem structure, I mean your ability to choose this topic without making it gory or over-exaggerated for a good read, the details and description, the emotion and empathy, the real feelings of 'being there' and the ending line. All wonderfully done. Thanks for sharing and I hope you get good reviews for this. Have a wonderful day. Keep up the great work.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
and the hearts of those wait. should this maybe be 'of those who wait?' Maybe not but it sounds like it's missing something as is.
From miles aroundcomma? these words
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