Hi, I'm happy mommy   and I'm doing this review to honor your request in | |  | Invalid Item 
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#1537147 by Not Available. |
Please remember all suggestions, comments and corrections are just my opinions, offered in a helpful nature. They are not to be looked upon as a reflection of your skill as a writer, but as my technique as an editor. I hope you can take something beneficial from my review and use it positively.
I found this biography to be an interesting view of your life. You seem to have been through a lot and you are a lot harder on yourself than I think you should be. Your reaction to the baby and the girl you knocked up are normal. The fact that you are willing to step up and be a man says a great deal about your personality. Despite what you seem to claim, I don't see that you are as evil and irresponsible as you claim to be. You could do like some men and completely abandon your responsibilities and not take action for your mistakes. I commend you for stepping up. I know how relieved the girl will be. I have been in her shoes, only the man who knocked me up, twice in two years, did not hang around to help, nor does he take financial responsibility. I have been on my own with two children for nearly four years. I am truly happy to hear that you will not force the stranger you are stuck with to such a depressing and frustrating existence.
Now, I will comment on your writing format. You display the information in a rather bland way, with a lot of TELLing instead of SHOWing and you use a lot of overly repeated information and words that I imagine will make a lot of people stop reading before they are halfway through. I would suggest going back through, and taking each scene you would like to use, showing it.
Watch for using passive voice, which is a form of 'to be'+past participle=passive voice. Ex. was born, was a little, was five. This is easily fixed by rewording the sentence using a more active verb. The day I came into the world, this will keep you from repeating the word born and avoid PV, At the age of five, this takes out the PV while still offering the same information. Also, you need to italicize your thoughts. Watch for tense shifts from past to present.
I enjoyed the way you displayed your first crush, however I would like to see it a bit more, by you using SHOW instead of TELL. Rather than tell us about beating up the boys, give us one line descriptions of these scenes. ex. I enjoyed playing the role of protector. When other boys tried to push the girls into the mud, (or whatever else they did) I retaliated by punching them in the nose or shoving them off slides. Many days, I would be sent to the principal's office with blood on my hand and shirt, or mud on my jeans from tackling someone. I didn't care. Katie remained safe and that is all that I wanted.
I would also like you to show us how you fell in with the girl you impregnated. After all, she seems to be a very important part of your life story. It would help to show us why you went for her in the first place, why you decided to dump her, what was it about your life at that moment after you left the marines(why did you do this?) that made you fall into her open arms, and legs. I hope this makes sense.
I would also like to see a bit more description of things. What color is your mustang? What kind of music did you listen to when you got the earth shattering news? What kind of place were you in with Brendan? A bar, his apartment, a mansion, condo, loft, shack? His place or yours? What room? Where did you sit? What were you drinking? What type of phone were you using when you talked to Katie? How about a bit of action to go along with your thoughts and dialogue? When you found out you were going to be a father, did your fingers clench around the steering wheel? Did your foot ease up on the gas pedal? Did you run your fingers through your prematurely balding gray hair?(I doubt this is how you look but I can assume anything since you haven't given us a physical description of yourself.) Did you bite down on your pale lip until it bled? Did your blue eyes turn bloodshot when you cried, changing the color? Did they widen in fear or narrow in shock? Did your palms sweat and you wiped them on your hot pink miniskirt(I doubt this is how you dress but again, you give us no insight into your fashion tastes. You have only given us your thoughts. I would like to see you round it out and include a bit of everything about you.
I hope all of this makes sense. If you have any questions about any of my comments, please don't hesitate to email me.
Happy Writing,
Sara
Line Edits:
My parents changed schools, I met knew friends, but I never forgot about my Katie Technically, weren't you the one that changed schools rather than your parents? and it would be new rather than knew.
it doesn’t really matter what I right down. it's supposed to be write rather than right
One thing leads to another, which lead me right in between Annie’s legs.One thing led to another, which led me right between...
After I’d tried desperately to be an asshole and give her brush off for nearly a month, I finally talked to her only to find out that she was, that’s right, Prego! (Not like the pasta) I would suggest leaving this part out since you show it a moment later. This is just repeating information using it here and the next time
I new exactly what was coming. knew rather than new
the overwhelming feeling that I was being crushed from every angle was to much for me to deal with was too much rather than to much.
I listened too my music playing on the radio listened to rather than too
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