You have the kernels of an interesting story here! I have a few suggestions. I need some atmosphere. Drop in some subtle hints about their surroundings sooner. Is the school an old building with old building problems? Squeaky chairs, uneven wobbly tables, or is it new construction with the scent of wood and fresh paint? So much occurs in the school, and although it is a background, it is a character. Flesh out your characters with subtle hints of their personalities or pasts. Why is there so much tension? I know you probably don't want to give away too much too soon, but don't leave your readers hanging without dropping a clue now and then. Watch how many times you repeat words and find a new, different way to describe looks, gazes, and other facial expressions. I am guilty of repetition and have to go back and correct it. But in so doing, I find new and better ways to tell my story. I hope this helps! Write on!
So true and so funny! This reminded me of my years with my husband in base housing. We were assigned to Tyndall AFB in Florida. It was between Panama City Beach and the still undiscovered jewel, Mexico Beach. Rough assignment, but someone had to do it. But I could have lived without the giant palmetto bugs. Yikes!
Your writing is engaging with a flair of warm honesty. I look forward to reading more, and thank you for the memories!
As a die-hard horror fan, this is intriguing! Is this a one-time thing or a to-be-continued? If the latter, I would like to know the details of how the main character kills/stalks his prey and more on his thought process. For instance, the vampire Lestat has a wicked sense of humor and likes to play with his food. I find that endearing. I realize you may not want to reveal that much at first but how about just a spoonful?
Your premise is compelling, the story is well-written with an easy flow. I'm a fan!
This is a thought-provoking, well-written, brutally honest essay. I walked away from it for a few days to consider what I had read. I was a young teen during the Vietnam War. Often, the evening news would be on as we sat around the dinner table. I come from a very military-immersed family. As someone so young, I was often terrified of what the world could become, but I knew soldiers like you would always keep watch and hold the line. I still believe it and always will. I respect your reasons to serve and why you do not want to be thanked for your service. But, please accept an acknowledgment from a young, scared girl who often retreated to a closet. You were the light in the darkness.
As one who loves to visit a witch shop, you have walked me down memory lane. Your description is spot on!
The line about feeling safe and comfortable, returning to a place she had been before, is perfect foreshadowing. Well done!
First, I love SciFi, and your premise is interesting. It took me a minute to figure out POV and/or who was speaking. It's been a while since I have read anything in second person. It's not a knock; it's just an observation. As you proceed, be mindful of the emotional connection in your character's development. Not many people can pull that off in second person, but I think you can! I'm curious as to where this goes!
I marked your work as a favorite back in 2023. I am happy to see you are writing more! You have a unique point of view and a distinguishable voice. Watch your pacing, let us catch our breath. Lol! Beware adjectives and the passive voice. I stumbled over the sentence, "I only had to read slightly before they became worse than the flying gnat slash roach issue!" "Read slightly" is a bit awkward. Instead, use something like "Just two sentences in" or something more descriptive or direct than "read slightly." I hope this helps. I am a fan of your writing and your perspective. Another piece of advice: do not, under any circumstances, Google 'Palmetto Bug.'
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But I could have lived without the giant palmetto bugs. Yikes!