Instead of saying "he was very good at it" switch up your sentences- "He was very good at it and often spent a week or more in the sweeping the woodlands gathering what would pay best."
"He spent a week or more in the sweeping woodlands gathering nettles, amanita, and other herbs."
Also, for ease of reading, go to Advanced settings, and set paragraphs to Double Spaced. It helps when there is a load of dialogue.
I like how you've set this up, but let's enhance the description. You say he was surrounded by "strange shapes"? Strange how? What made this stand out in a woodland? How was the sky an "odd" shade of blue? It's already blue so how it this different?
I enjoy the narrator's wry sarcastic voice. The descriptions are so alive, and relatable. There's a realism about faith on Sundays, the Beer Cave, and how understaffing causes even the most friendly employees to become bitter.
I do notice a tone change once the narrator arrives at 17 Canal Street. Details and spacing become confusing for the reader's eye, and they start to rush. I would recommend slowing down. Spend more time in your narrator's mind and emotions.
I don't know what makes this character TICK. What drives them to follow this mystery and not just get rid of the key? There's so many questions I have, and I want to feel like I know about this character so I can care more about their actions and decisions.
I kind of want more.
Particularly here- “No.” Mark’s voice cracked like a whip. “Everyone here deserves to know who you really are.”
Murmurs rose. A manager stepped in, urging calm. Robert shifted, uncomfortable for once. For a fleeting second, Mark felt victorious. He had exposed him.
Monday morning shattered the illusion. HR called him in: complaints about his behavior, warnings about his temper. He was “not a good fit.” By noon, Mark carried a cardboard box out of the building.
We jump from the party without seeing any of the aftermath or the fallout. Why didn't people believe Mark? I understand wrath blinding someone, but I would hope they'd tell the whole story.
I can feel the realness in this, and I can totally see this happening.
I do feel like if you continue this, only interacting in this way may have negative effects on Ethan. I like that you were able to keep the humanity. I worried at first that writing about this material could lean into leery, cringe territory, but you can tell Ethan is more looking for connection than anything else.
Good details here! I don't believe this needs to be separated into chapters as it reads as a strong narrative. I wish we learned more about the protagonist. What drives Arman to do what he does? How did she make such an impact on him in such a short time?
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