Dissociation

Derealization, chronic dissociation, and the crippling loneliness that comes from it.

You’re blurry again
And the world is fading away.
I’m sorry I can’t respond to you.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

It’s been months here
Trapped in my mind.
Please, let me out
Please, please, please.

Your eyes are gone, they’ve blurred together again
Every word you say twists into the air around you.
I can’t see you anymore. You’re just colors.
Speaking colors in my gaze.

I can’t see you, you’re just colors again.
I’m so lost, the rocks they swim, the leaves they dance
And I can’t see you anymore.
I can’t respond in this purple haze.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

When disconnection was simply a choice,
Something I used to make me feel safe
I was able to see you when you spoke to me.
Free me, free me, free me.

Now, when you speak, you’re far away
And I can’t control it, I can’t stop it
I’m so scared in here.
There’s a thick glass between us again.

Sorry- that should have rhymed with Gaze.
Damn it, I missed my phrase.
I’m so frustrated by this stupid maze
Sorry- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

There’s a thick glass between us again,
Nothing comes in
And nothing comes out
The demons in my head are stuck here, too.

I can’t do anything to make them disappear
It’s just me
And them
And none of you.

It’s been months here, and I can’t get out
You know,
The world is so dark when you block it out.
Now you know that, I’m glad you do.

That was stupid to say.
Did I mention I’m sorry, too?
I did? Sorry,
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I try to remind myself that God is in the mess with me
Even when you’re not
Or it doesn’t feel like you are
I remind myself God is more real than you are.

That helps,
When I remember that, the demons leave
You’re still blurred, though
You’re gone, gone, gone.

I still want out
Out of my head,
Out of this maze
And back into my heart.

But it’s just me and God,
Me and God and the blurry rocks.
Me and God and the faded songs.
Me and God and the bleeding art.

Maybe he’ll let me out.
Maybe he will open my eyes.
Maybe I could see again
If I just asked him.

I should ask him,
God, I’m on my knees again.
God, I can't see again.
God, please remind me when.

God, open my eyes again.

I’m so scared.

Hold me, again.
Please, please, please.