Caffiene

TW! Suicidal Ideation.

I just had a Monster, my third energy drink in the last 48 hours.
That might be a bad idea, but I'm home for the holidays, who cares?
We're not doing anything important, nothing that would affect my life in any way.
It doesn't matter, we're just mothers, sisters, brothers, liars.
We just exist together, labor together. We become each other's wear.
We're just pushing and working and cleaning, and we have no sway.

The caffeine might hurt me and make my shoulders shake
But I'm honestly so exhausted I would be glad if it helped me move at all.
Plus, I couldn't stop if I wanted to; I have to find some way to keep at it.
I have to keep pushing, breathing, bleeding, who cares if I ache?
I gotta push past it, maybe it's time I pull out the stops; a mental stall.
I'll shut down my mind, let my body do the work, and give myself up to static.

Yeah, that'll work. It's done the job before.
I'll shut down my mind and go through the motions.
The caffeine will guide me, help me make it through the day.
My mother is talking and directing shit out the door,
and my body keeps moving, no sign of thought or emotion.
To the nothingness, to the numbness, I give my mind away.

But something's going wrong, I should have seen it coming
The fear is building up in my stomach, and my chest is burning.
I shouldn't have had that caffeine; it leaves me reeling.
It keeps on building and building and building, a consistent humming
I need to go breathe, I need to get out, I need it all to stop hurting.
I need to disappear, I need to be gone, I need to stop the feeling.

I can't breathe, Mom is gone, I need to get out of this stupid house.
I stumble out of the door. I need somewhere to go, anywhere.
I hate this stupid town; there is nowhere to go, and too many memories.
I wish I were dead. It'd be easier than this; I should have died. How's
this stupid life supposed to be livable? I'm nothing, and I'm nowhere.
Ugh, can't I walk faster!? The road is swimming beneath me.

I'm not real, not really. How could I be? The world is so far away from me.
I'm just a figment of my imagination; no one can hurt me if I'm not real.
I wish I had died, because, fuck, I am real. Damnit, I wish I were dead.
I fall onto an old wooden bench. Just like everything else, a memory.
I hate it here. Was that girl even me? The one who sat here to feel?
I can't stand it here, I want to die. Do you think God would let me out of my head?

I hope I die before I go completely crazy, I don't want to forget Him.
Although, I fear I already live life as if I don't believe in His union
Damnit, am I too far gone? Am I already too crazy? Have I lost Him already?
I mean, I'm doing my best, aren't I? I'm trying to find him, I am just hidden.
I am hidden away in some pocket between reality and illusion.
I am hidden and fighting and pulling and pushing and trying to stay steady.

I wish I were dead, I want to be with Him. I want this to be over I can't do it.
The pain is pounding in my chest and building in my mind.
I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to yell, I want to curse, I want it out.
But in this stupid town I can't. I fucking can't. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I can't, I want to cry, I want to be real, I want to be myself, I want to be kind.
This is stupid, this is awful, and maybe caffeine isn't what this is about.