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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
Finally I have come to my good sense. I got myself a doctor appointment this morning. I have been sick for a MONTH! I thought I could fight it off naturally. I thought it was going away. I don’t think I have an infection, but I know I can’t hang no more with the body aches, headache, stuffy nose, hot flashes and coughing out my insides. Going to get a shot in the butt and a prescription of antibiotic! My doctors are all packed but I found a little clinic that takes my insurance so I am going there. I’ve never been happier to see a doctor in my life! Prayer Request My step dad is very sick. If you’re the praying kind, I ask you specifically to say a prayer for my step-dad, Mike. He is in really bad shape. Already unhealthy and fragile, he has caught this crud and it’s got him good. My poor mother is at her wits end. Mike can’t breathe. His lungs are filled up and he thinks he is drowning every time he lays horizontal. He hasn’t slept in three days. It’s just bad… real bad. I’ve cried over this and I’m not the crying kind. I just know how he is feeling because I’ve had it too, the difference is my body is young and strong, even I thought it was going to do me in . I can only imagine how bad he feels. The weekend was miserable for me. I had absolutely no energy at all. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday lounging around my apartment. I did a few loads of laundry Saturday but nothing more at all. This stuff either needs to kill me or let me go! I didn’t have it in me to make phone calls or anything. Just pathetic! I did go to a meeting last night though I tried to talk myself out of it. Greta got her 2nd year chip, celebrated her sobriety birthday. I think it has a lot to do with me not feeling good but I sure don’t enjoy listening to anything she has to say. I’d be happy if she just didn’t exist!  Yeah, I’m just sick and it’s really getting to me… It’s wearing down my mind and emotions just like it’s wore down my body. Something has got to give! I’m hoping after a shot in the butt I’ll be a brand new woman! I'm down and out... |
I planned on going to my new found church home this morning, I’ve since remembered that I promised Connie I would show up at the Basin Group meeting at 10AM. Connie has lots of time in recovery but she has been struggling lately. She has been isolating and well I know exactly what state of mind that puts a person in. I don’t want to break that promise. I should have cancelled yesterday if that’s what I needed to do but today it’s too late. It’s ok. I am ready to get started meeting people and getting involved with Crossroads Church but what’s another week going to hurt? I really don’t feel like getting dressed up either. About the time I start getting over this crud that has had me down for three weeks, I get to deal with PMS. Somethings gotta give!  Ah… well, builds character, right? Really I woke up in good spirits this morning. The first time in a long time and I’m just happy to be content. Me and Time are facing off… I’ll be 31 years old next Friday. This song  fits me like perfectly! Well… almost, except that I really believe I need some more ‘single’ time. Not another Decade! But another year will be fine. Jeni’s got a job, a cat named Meow and 31 candles on her birthday cake… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tgf7MpQ0c4 Like a tree, I must be pruned of a lot of dead branches before I will be ready to bear good fruit. Think of changed people as trees that have been stripped of their old branches, pruned, cut and bare. But through the dark, seemingly dead branches flow silently, secretly, the new sap, until the sun of spring comes new life. There are new leaves, buds, blossoms, and fruit, many times better because of the pruning. I am in the hands of a Master Gardener, who makes no mistakes in His pruning. The above is today’s meditation in the Twenty-Four Hours A Day hand book . I read the daily meditation from this book each morning. All of them will speak something to me and today’s words speak loudly. Nothing I wasn’t aware of, but I’m one that needs reminding and often. I have that great forgetter. Where Are They Now? I was thinking this morning about when I first started this blog almost two years ago. Several people have come and gone from my life. Some of you have been reading me for a while, others haven’t but I wanted to make note of where the people I have written about are now. Bobby - Bobby is still my neighbor. He lives two doors down from my apartment. We met at the mailbox, dated a short two months. It was while dating Bobby that I figured out I had a drinking problem. I had my first black outs while drinking with him. Bobby would buy bottles of whisky by the case. He would bring a new bottle every night he came over. It wasn’t long before I was drowning in WL Weller. I asked him to stop drinking with me, he told me I was ‘out my mind’ and we broke up, ended with a bang. I had much remorse for the way I treated him in my drunkenness. I made amends with him. We still pass each other at the mailbox and in the laundry mat some, but there is nothing there at all. Unfortunately, chances are, he is just another person I have known and loved that will die from this disease. I see him carrying into his place, those self-inflicting weapons and my heart cries for him even still. Randy – Randy was a truck driver that worked at the food bank. I thought I was in love with Randy. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t… I don’t know, but I do know that Randy was instrumental in my life. He helped me hit my emotional bottom, which in turn directed me to recovery. Randy is most definitely not the one for me but he played a huge role in my life and for that I’ll always be thankful for his passing through my life. He is in jail for probation violation. I don’t stay in touch with him. I have no intentions of ever doing so. I really believe the reason he came into my life was to bring me to my knees so to speak. In my first blog, Randy fills the first 250 pages. I was completely obsessed with him. Meow Meow - My beloved feline friend who is staring at me as I type. I recognize that face expression. She is fixing to attack - she thinks I owe her some breakfast. I think she needs to eat what’s in her dang bowl! Meow has been my pet cat since I was 18 years old. She is 13 years old, a Calico, weighs close to 12 pounds, a housecat, fixed and declawed. I wish I could get her defanged! If Meow could talk she would certainly have some stories to tell. Big Daddy - My old connect. Not sure where he is these days… I last heard he married a girl he worked with and moved out of town. I’ve told stories about pacing the streets with a baseball bat because I owed Big Daddy money and I was afraid he was coming after me. It was hard breaking my ties with him. The man didn’t want to leave me alone. I had my phone number changed. I changed where I parked my car. I ignored his knocks to my front door many times. Finally! The ties were broken. Armand – An old drinking buddy that lived in the same apartment complex. He was diagnosed with Cancer and later died in September 2007. Shafter Another drinking buddy from my past. Shafter was more than just a buddy, he was someone I once loved. I first met him when I was 18 years old. He came in and out of my life for 15 years and died July 2007 of a drug overdose. And since recovery: Leslie – My sister sponsor. She is back with her husband and she is drinking again. I have emailed her and I have left messages on her voicemail. She hasn’t responded to either. Sarah – My first Sponsee. She was back out using dope and has recently gone back to prison for a felony theft charge. Sheree - My first sponsor. We are still kickin’ it! She has sponsored me over a year now and we still speak on a daily basis. Justin – He has changed his home group so I don’t see him often. He has also recently obtained custody of his 13-year-old son. The last time we spoke, I told him his home group doesn’t follow AA traditions and so I’m not interested in going there. He got pissed and hung up on me. We haven’t spoke since. Dad – Dad gets a lot of the spotlight in my blog doesn’t he? I don’t think he would like it either. He left message for me in January. I didn’t answer the phone when he called. He hasn’t called again. I still don’t know what to do with that relationship. I don’t want to hate him but I don’t want anything to do with him either. Mom – Mom is still good! A daily part of my life. Thank GOD for my mother! J.J. – My nephew. He lives in Florida and honestly I haven’t talked to him but a few times since he stayed with me during the summer. I’m not that close to my brother thus I don’t stay in touch with his son as much as I would like too. Well… I think that’s it. I’m sure I have forgotten someone but I don’t know who! I’m off to do my thing, hoping everyone has a relaxing Sunday. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| We are dismissed from work at 1PM on Fridays. A chance for co-workers and myself to manage our personal errands, one’s that require attention during business hours. We clock in at 7AM Monday thru Friday so that we can have this half-day to ourselves. It’s worth it to me. I will many times have most of my errands completed through my lunch hours during the week and that leaves Friday afternoon free for me to NAP! Naps are good… Yes, Jen loves a good nap when a good nap is needed. I am a finicky sleeper. I have never been able to just sleep where I crash. No, I have to be in my OWN bed. I have to have Frogger (my snuggle frog) to cuddle up with. My pillow has to be just right under my head. I can’t have loads of useless information zooming through my mind. If there is something that needs completed and I haven’t done it, I can not sleep peacefully. If the sun is blaring in my bedroom window, I can’t very easily drift off to dream land. There is no sleeping on the sofa for me. No possible way I could fall asleep behind the wheel of a car. Even when I was a kid and I would stay the night with a friend, many times I would end up going home because I could not sleep if I wasn’t in my comfort zone. Even now when I share my big California king size bed with someone I find that I can not sleep well. I’m just a peculiar snoozer. I have noticed since sobriety I do sleep better. This is a gift in recovery. Chances are it’s because my conscious is much clearer. I don’t have the regrets of yesterday or the fears of tomorrow hindering my body and mind from resting. I’m still quite particular about my sleepy time but it comes so much easier than it use to. Since I’ve been under the weather it seems I have done little else but sleep. Yesterday after a trip to my bank and lunch with my mother, I came home and was a sleep by 3PM. Woke up at 8PM, messed around online a bit, watched a little TV and was asleep again by midnight, slept till 8AM this morning. Another time this week, after work I came in my apartment, went straight to my bed, didn’t bother taking off shoes or clothes, laid down at 5PM and didn’t wake up till 5:30 the next morning. Yeah! That’s a lot of hardcore sleeping! Slept with the bra on and everything! Not normal… I am feeling better but still not good. I have had some good moments and that is a relief! I was beginning to think the good moments were all gone and I would be stuck in this exhausted state of mind for the rest of my life! I don’t handle ‘tired’ well. I just can’t seem to focus on, enjoy and most definitely can’t accomplish anything when I’m a big sleepy head. I’m really hoping that during this weekend I will regain the strength that being ill has diminished from my body. I caught the flu at the end of January. Was basically stuck in bed for a week. I don’t remember EVER being so sick before. Finally I started feeling better, was still very tired but my body was winning the battle against the mean flu. After a few days of relief I am knocked out again with a head cold and I am almost certain that it turned into walking pneumonia. I called my doctor and was told there is a two-week waiting period to get in to see her. She is over scheduled as it is! There’s an epidemic going around here in West Texas! I don’t do emergency rooms. I was also somewhat afraid to go to a doctor that doesn’t know my history cause if they wanted to prescribe me some pain killers, depending on how bad I was feeling at the time, I may have just let them. Then I’d be off and running again, starting over at ground zero! I’m not so sure I have another ‘starting over’ left in me. I honestly don’t want to find out. So I decided to just fight this crud alone. With lots of Vitamin C and just by treating the symptoms. Every day I feel a bit better. I really feel like an old lady with all these aches and pains, puffy eyes, and lack of energy. I really have a strong body. It’s strange for me to be sick for so long and I’m sober! Doing all the things I should do to care for myself. Really though, just about everyone in this area is sick right now. My step dad has caught the crud and he is really of bad health as it is. He went to the doctor; they took one look at him and started running around like they worked in the emergency room. You could hear cabinets slamming as they rushed to hook him up to oxygen and breathing treatments. Today is Saturday. The sun is shining. I plan on getting my home chores done today so that tomorrow I am free to go to church and rest. Coincidence that a man from the church I attended last week called to the food bank wanting to set up a time for a group of church members to come and volunteer with us. We talked a good while over the phone. He also is fighting this crud. I opened a savings account yesterday! Yep! I’ve really been paying attention to my spending habits lately. I recognize that I am unnecessarily spending money on things such as eating out and little knick-knack’s that are not needed. I’m making it a priority to stop that. I’m also going to make tithing a priority. I believe in the promises of God. Even though I have a natural giving nature, it’s one thing to throw your pearls to the pigs and a totally different thing to intentionally give of your first fruits JUST because God says to do it. Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! ~ Malachi 3:10 - New Living Translation |
I read bugzy is baaaccck!!   ’s blog first thing this morning and it sent me on a mission to figure out what I am! I always thought I was an OX. Though, I’ve not really put much time or effort studying Chinese astrology, it was a shock to learn this morning that I am a dragon.The following is a list of character traits that the Chinese say I possess. I can’t help but agree with most of what I have taken note of here. Yep! It is a trip how closely they have come to telling me about me. • Innovative - advanced views on a subject • Enterprising - ready to undertake projects of importance or difficulty • Flexible - Responsive to change; adaptable • Self-assured - Having or showing confidence and poise • Brave - possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance • Passionate - compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling • Conceited - having an excessive favorable opinion of one's abilities, appearance • Tactless - offendingly blunt • Scrutinizing - examine in detail with careful or critical attention • Unanticipated - Not having been expected • Quick-tempered - Easily aroused to anger All About ME Truthful but extreme, courageous but unyielding, Metal Dragons succeed through determination. They are mighty and respect people who stand up to them. In troubled times, these Dragons make great allies, but become ferocious challengers. Metal Dragons can often calm others through their forceful personalities. They seek action, and things are never better than when they are defending a thought or belief about which they have complete faith. Metal Dragons like to lead, and have an affect that makes others want to follow them. Yet even if they attract no support they will fight alone. Friendships Dragons are usually popular people, but because of their personalities, they seem to gather as much criticism as they do esteem. Once the dynamic Dragon has given his friendship, he will not let his friends down and will never falter in his allegiance to his companions. To a Dragon, a friend is a friend for a lifetime. Incredibly honest, Dragons are known for sincerity and are trusting souls. Because of this honesty, Dragons don't realize others may not demonstrate or uphold the same codes of ethics. Making the discovery that they placed their trust in someone who is dishonest makes the Dragon person quite sad, yet much more perceptive for future encounters. Nothing closer to the truth! When it says that I take people at face value, believing they share in my same codes of ethics. THEN when I realize they don’t it knocks me to my knees. Best Friends: Rats and Monkeys  Lookie bugzy is baaaccck!!  Heath Among the heartiest of the Animal signs, dragons can suffer bad health as a result of stress. Symptoms of their personalities often stem from emotional outbursts and can range from tension headaches to depression to hypertension. Again, so damn true about stress being my biggest health inflictor. This sort of goes in line with my earlier entry yesterday about not being able to let stuff go easily. Many times I make myself physically sick over mental stress. Work Dragons work hard, but would rather give orders than receive them. They should avoid jobs that encompass too much routine, and should move toward jobs in which their self-reliance can be an asset. Dragons are very adaptable and are fit for various occupations, especially if those occupations allow him to take the limelight. Again… very true. I believe myself to be a natural born leader and it really bothers me sometimes when I see a problem and I’m not in the position or have the authority to fix it. Finances Many Dragons will take big chances with their finances, sometimes betting on their shirt and losing it right off of their backs. Yet, they were born with the Midas touch, and it very rare that a Dragon remains poor for long. Dragons will always be straightforward in financial dealings and can always be trusted. I am straightforward in financial dealings. Gawd, I hope the Midas Touch is TRUE! Love Negatively, Dragons are egotistical and love to be the center of attention. Modesty is not one of his assets. Add to that the Dragon temper and you have a bossy, dominating and authoritative being. They hate solicited advice and can be hopelessly tactless and insensitive to their lovers. True again… ** Jen hangs head ** People love Dragons so much because they are generous, charismatic, irresistible, and so brave that standing beside them banishes fear. They generate excitement and turn heads anywhere they go. They are free-spirited and impulsive and can help others achieve their dreams. Others love to be around Dragons because they have a way of making people feel better. Dragons are quick to fall in love, but do not surrender their independence easily leaving most of them to live life by themselves. Yet, a smart, witty, and funny companion may intrigue the Dragon long enough to make him want to get married. And once the Dragon becomes committed, he is unlikely to ever leave. It takes someone with thick skin who is easygoing to be a Dragon's partner, because, despite their sentimental characters, they can be moody, and insensitive. Many people will want to run when the Dragon's temper is provoked. AQUARIAN DRAGON Impractical and atypical, these Dragons are intrigued by the shock of the new. Most importantly, they are intellectuals, very individualistic and original, born ahead of their time. Receptive and open-minded, they are held in high regard by all. Well this was really interesting, thanks bugzy is baaaccck!! for the inspiration. I love these kinds of mornings when something grabs my attention first thing and I can’t focus on anything but! It was nice to have an endeavor, since I’ve been just a stick in the mud for so long cause of this BUG! Have a good day! Love Jen |
| sweets has inspired me to do some writing within a time limit. So I am giving myself 10 minutes to just let it rip. This is hard because I find myself back tracking wanting to correct my typo’s. Is that acceptable? Or should I just keep going and leave the mistakes as they are. BUT It’s just so damn hard! I can’t hardly stand to leave a mess behind. I guess I tend to be a perfectionist. Well, duh! Yeah I guess I am a perfectionist. Not one that can’t stand to be in a mess cause LoRD knows my place can be a mess but some form of perfectionist, I am. I am going to have to do some research. You know I am always researching and never figuring anything out. I lack confidence in my ability to make decisions or discern something for myself. Does that make any sense? It’s like I ask questions a lot. I’m contantly trying to get your approval. Whoever you are! That is nerve wrecking. It’s also a big waste of time. Because I’m never going to be everything that you or you or you think I should be. I guess I could take what I wanted from you and leave the rest. I guess I could just stop this writing because it’s only been like four minutes so far and twice I was a stand still. I just couldm’t think of the word I wanted , it was the word… oh wait now I forgot, what word was it? Oh check me out I am leaving mistakes behind me and just keeping on keeping. I’m doing better! Sweets inspried me to do this. Just for fun I guess. I think she goes way longer than ten minutes or maybe less than ten I don’t know but I can only do ten, so far it’s been five minutes. I’ve never known time to go so slow exceept when I am at work that is. Well, it’s been a day. I felt reall crummy most of the day. I’m just so damn exhausted and I started to wonder if maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I am just depressed so that is why my body can’t seem to get over the sickness. I don’t know but I sure got a mean cough going on. Right now I have some of my sleepy time tea warmed and I am drinking it, well I would be drinking it if I wasn’t busy trying to keep going so that I can do what Sweets does. Hahaha… About three o’clock this afternoon I made myself get up out of my desk and I disinfected the breakroom with bleach. I sprayed lysol all over the place and cleaned the front bathroom. It did seem to get me out of my funk. Then I came home from work and I spiffed up a little before the morning and then meet Sheree and all my sister sponsors at the café for dinner. My sister sponsors are the other ladies that sheree sponsors. I call them my sister sponsors, though I really havne’t met but a few of them an donly a few times. Oh dear, I just left those typos behind, it really bothers me… I’m fighting the urge to back triack and fix it! Oh Damn there wa another and anoterh. Oh my… I’m just going to keep going because I only have one more minute left in this race. It has been about ten minutes and This is all I got, I wonder what this is about anyway. Well it was fun and I have enjoyed it, It’s hard to type as fast as I waould like cause my finger nail popped off.. shh don’t’ tell no one, cause they are mine! You know that right! I only one a half a minute left. Oh no….. JI’m stalled too. I bet I wasted a lot of time making correctios. |
| I roll things over and over in my mind sometimes. You know that is exactly how my dad is and that scares the hell out of me. The above squiggly sentence came out of my earlier blog entry. This sticks out to me as I read what my own hands typed hours ago. Sure enough! There it is… my biggest culprit. I just can’t let shit go… Just like I have seen my dad do so many times until he was pacing the floors willing and ready to pounce on the first person that walked into his view, innocent bystander or not. Yep! That is exactly how I was/ am… I SEE the light! BUT the catch here is I can’t stand it… I hate it… it eats my ass to a pulp. Fruity… yeah, that’s a great comparison to my butt. BUT since I hate it when I keep running things over and over in my mind, and it’s usually things that I can’t change… things that THINKING about isn’t going to change… I just drive myself crazy! Previously I would turn to self-medication to make me feel better from MY inability to LET SHIT GO. When I got drunk I was able to let EVERYTHING go (even bodily functions) while the buzz lasted. Of course when the buzz stopped it was even worse BUT I didn’t have to think about the thing I had been thinking about anymore, NOPE! I had all kinds of damage to repair from the harm I caused others and myself during my binge! So then I got to think about how much of a sorry human being I was. I turned it on ME and tore my self-respect down to nothing. Since I sobered up, I turn it all on everybody else. I just don’t get the release from drink? What’s that about? Instead of feeling better for however long the binge lasted… Now, I just get bitter. BITTER! Until SUDDENLY I get a spiritual awakening of sorts and hear that big pop once again. My head coming out my fruity butt. And I recognize one of my biggest character defects, one that has made my father a miserable man all of his life. Just Let it gooooo ** Jen exhales and deflates ** I have never noticed this about myself before. Have you? I bet some of you have noticed that I analyze… I roll events, personalities, reasons why… over and over in my mind until I can figure out something! Sometimes I really do figure something out and then months, maybe years down the line, I figure out that I had it all figured out wrong! And that sucks! When you figure out that you were so dead set on something and you were so dead wrong. But you just couldn’t let it go…… I have several resentments still rolling around in my head. These are things that I have forgiven and even seen the why behind the what about. But some little something will be said or done and it will fuel me up again. Sometimes nothing has to be done, it can just be a fleeting memory that my head grabs hold of and won’t let go. Why? How could you? Who do you think you are? Do you know who I am? Sounds like ego and pride might be the underlying cause with this. Ya think? Resentment: Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. I don’t know the answer. I just figured out the problem. Maybe I should go google: How to stop letting shit (for lack of the proper word) repeat through your mind until you’re off the chain? My sponsor would say prayer. Prayer is good, I believe in prayer… I’m all about it… but honestly, I’ve asked God to direct my thinking and then a minute later I’m thinking about how you suck! So there has to be steps for this. You know like, tools… or something. I’ll figure it out! Oh shit! Here I go again! Kidding… Page 84 – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (I don’t care to be anonymous in my recovery, isn’t like I was an anonymous drunk as I stumbled all over the place and spilled my drink in your lap!) We have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time, sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we find that this has happened automatically. Bill W. is talking about the promises of working the 12 steps. Yeah! There are promises, things that will happen in our lives (even when we aren’t looking) because we admitted we were powerless, came to believe in a Power Greater than ourselves and turned our thoughts/desires and actions over to the care of a Power Greater than ourselves. The above promise has already happened in my life. God has taken the compulsion to drink and drug away from me. Sure the thought still crosses my mind sometimes and I recoil from it as if a hot flame. I have ceased fighting anything or anyone OUTWARDLY but damn I still got those thoughts running through my mind. It’s more like a poor me thing… just look at how bad I’ve been done… but no longer thoughts of revenge. Yeah, this is progress. Page 83 – More of the Promises – IF we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish the shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. NO matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations, which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? WE THINK NOT… They are being fulfilled among us --- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. That feeling of useless and self-pity will disappear. Man… I’m ready for that one! I don’t know that any of these promises have come into my life just yet, but I believe they will. I’m holding on and hoping for all of them. At least now I recognize something needs to be done with my stinking thinking… over and over again. Something about John and Carla at work, I don’t know but both them people take up to much space in my head. I’m still resentful towards Greta. She shared in yesterday’s meeting about how she always wants to be right and I had to close my eyelids so my eyeballs wouldn’t roll out my head. I just couldn’t stand to hear her speak because I’m so resentful about how she sponsored me. The truth is… It just didn’t work out! She didn’t sponsor me the way I thought she should, the way that works for me… and that’s that. I have to know that someone cares about me for me to pour my heart out to them through the 12 steps. I expect my sponsor to care about my health and my sobriety and to tell me about it! This is what I need from a sponsor, I imagine not everyone is as sensitive in that area. I have a habit of thinking no one cares about me. So it’s important that the people close show me that they care by phone calls and concern when they don’t see me at a meeting for over a week. That’s just what I need from a sponsor. She didn’t fill the bill and got her ego all up in my recovery. But that’s on her… I have nothing to make amends for and that’s on me… Thank God! So, I can let this go… right? And Skittles… it’s like I’m not outwardly angry with him but I have chalked him off as anything more than a sobriety friend. I still feel a friendship for Skittles but it’s not a friendship bond, so to speak. I just feel different towards him. It’s like the first crisis our friendship came across, true colors came out and I didn’t like what I saw. It’s not even so much that he turned off my phone as it is that he ignored my phone calls to him. I still respect Skittles. He’s still a great guy but just not the guy for me. Which I already knew that… I guess maybe I was hoping a stronger connection would be made between us. Not sex… but like a soul connection. I don’t know! I just don’t Know! But I am tired… Night night… |
| Yesterday was Skittles 3rd birthday in sobriety. He came to my home group to meet me so I could give him some money for the phone. I didn’t know it was his birthday BUT I had a card for him from over a month ago, and John had given me a box of Chocolates from salvage here at the food bank, SO… I played it off well. I gave Skittles the candy and card and $50 … wished him a happy sobriety birthday. He gave me the Sprint bill for me to review and UH… He needs to recognize! After I looked over the bill I believe I am responsible for the activation fees and for the bogus internet charges but Skittles went over his allowed minutes resulting in over $100. THAT my dear sobriety boyfriend, I will not pay for! I did the math, and I believe I have paid him what I owe. I have given him a total of $150 and I do not see I owe him anything more until the March bill has arrived. I called to talk to him about this but he wasn’t free at the moment and said he would call back. To break it down, I’m paying: $60 activation and bogus internet fees $45 month of January $45 month of February = $150 And I’m not inclined to pay him again until the month of March which will be $45 as we both agreed on in the beginning! I am going to pay him for the two tires he helped me purchase and then I’m done with all that. I will not get financially entwined with him again. AND if the phone bill doesn’t get better by next month, I’m giving it back and calling that done. I’m still somewhat resentful that he turned off my phone because HE went over his minutes and because of activation fees. That resentment sneaks up on me sometimes and just bites me in the butt. I’ve never been inclined to involve another in my financial affairs. I don’t like one bit that I am at his mercy, if he so chooses for whatever reason to shut my phone service down, he has the right to do so! I don’t like it… I wouldn’t have joined in with him on this bill if I didn’t think we had a trust with each other. BUT when he shut me down because of his inability to look at the facts… It really burst my bubble. I overreacted because the last thing I wanted was for him to believe I had taken him for granted. Sometimes I think he had ulterior motives in helping me with this phone. But really I should stop thinking so damn much… My best thinking got me drunk every night of the week less than a year ago. I roll things over and over in my mind sometimes. You know that is exactly how my dad is and that scares the hell out of me. I got my taxes done today, sending them off during the lunch hour. I have no plans at all for the return I will be getting. In fact, I basically have everything that I need. Oh… I don’t doubt something will come up but as of now I plan on putting a big chunk of it in savings. I’m still sick  I cough so hard during the night that I just can’t sleep all that well. Hate it! I’m going to buy me some good cough syrup for tonight, stop torturing myself. Skittles just called me back and said he thinks my offer of payment is fair. Ok, Agreed we are… another issue done solved! Ok, I’ve ranted and now I gotta go! Love me long time! |
| Tonight’s topic at the meeting was ‘Relationships’ AS IF I have anything at all to offer to the discussion. I’ve always had issues with relationships. Recently I have taken a liking in blaming dear old dad for that. Well, it’s nice to take the pressure off myself but the fact is I’m turning 31 years old in a week. I’ve lived on my own almost longer than I lived with my folks. NO…It’s not because Dad made me this way. Dad’s been out of the picture for about 15 years now. Yes, it’s because I have a warped idea of what a relationship between a man and a woman should be like. AND that’s because I chose to cascade a beast into my body for 15 years, hang out with the guys that did the same, and just didn’t emotionally grow up! The foundation of most of my choices was/ still is … Fear . My choices in men were based on either an overstuffed wallet a big wee-wee a sweet smackin’ liar tongue or hell he just a fine mo’ fo’ that makes me look better than I feel… So you see… it is no shocker that here I sit a little over sixty consecutive days sober and I’m just dazed and confused about this whole relationship thing. I have to unlearn everything I thought I learned within the last 15 years. You will NEVER hear me say this again… and don’t ever remind me that I said this… but honestly, if I could do it all over again, I don’t think I would have left my ex-husband. I think I would have stuck it out. I have yet to find a better man…And Tommy was a big wuss! A KID! We were both kids… married at 16, divorced at 23 years old… but he was a big, clumsy ass wuss that loved me more than any man I’ve met before or after him. The first guy in this video is the story of MY life since I have been divorced… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ko80xMzPmQ What’s my gift for Valentines Day? The best sex you ever had! I have often said and I really do believe sometimes that I have “Fuck Me” tattooed across my forehead. I’ve been told I put out a sexual aura so maybe that is why I appear to be an easy sex target for men predators. Yesterday one of the men volunteers from a Christian rehab center asked me to step into the break room. And so I did… I had been talking with this guy off and on... like SHOP TALK... nothing intimate at all... but I knew he was interested in me by the way he looked at me. I thought he might even be someone that I would find interesting… Well, I follow him into the break room and he lays a wet one right on me! Just out of the blue… opens his mouth wide and sucks my face! I try to pull away and he holds me there with his arms wrapped around me. I turn my head and struggle to get out of his grasp, telling him to stop… no… quit it… He whispers, “I haven’t had a kiss since 2006.” I'm serious I got scared for a minute... I couldn't get out of his arms. This dude never once asked if I was married. Never asked if I had a boyfriend. He just planted a smooch right on my head cold infected lips! Finally, I pull myself from his hold and leave the break room. The business phone is ringing… someone just walked through the front door needing assistance. My boss is standing at my desk to give me a task to complete. I do my job the best I can, but I’m all shook up. Was I just sexually harassed? I think so… There was a time when I would have believed him to be interested in me because of his outward advance like that. Today I know that man is interested in busting a nutt and just so happens I was in his view. He later apologized. I considered going to his supervisors and telling them what he had done. He would be terminated from the rehab program or at least suspended for a time, would have had to face the judge and explain why he pushed himself off on the secretary of a non-profit… but I didn’t tell no one… I just let it go. I steered clear of him. He later apologized. I’m cool with that but I won’t make eye contact with him anymore least he be mislead to believe I want to be sexually harassed again! But the moral of my story… look how far I have come. I found this guys advances towards me very disrespectful. There was a time and not so long ago… that I would have mistook his harassment for interest. I would have thought he liked me… cause you see that’s how my thinking has always been… like/love/sex WERE all the same… but today I see the difference between the three. Today I like me enough to not accept that kind of treatment from anyone. So maybe I need to work on the ‘not snitching’ anyone out thing… but for now I’m happy with this leap in my recovery. This is huge for me! Relationship or not… I’m not settling for anything less than everything… I'm so use to accepting this kind of behavior from men that I really wasn't sure if it was a form of harrassment. I had to talk to my sponsor about it before I even saw it as sexual harrassment. Gawd... I've been sexually harrassed ALL my life and I guess I LIKED IT... I guess I thought that's what I deserved... but not today... Moral: The lesson or principle contained in or taught by a fable, a story, or an event. |
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My life has been so blessed by getting to know you and that is what friendship is all about.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Friendship-650.gif) What a nice surprise to log on and find today! Thank you so much Debi Wharton for this badge! It means so much!I am so grateful for the friendships I have found through this site. Just amazing! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkR3WkIDun4 This song  touches my soul. Written by a father. In this video the father and daughter perform the tune together. The daughter has an AWESOME voice! She will go far in the music industry. And well we all know the dad. How could we not? With his Achy Breaky heart. I loved his music when I was a teenager but I was embarrassed to let my friends know that.  It’s beautiful and quiet day here in West Texas. I have my balcony sliding glass door open. I have the bedroom window opened. Letting my little apartment air out. My bod needed some attention today, for sure. My skin was dry, my legs were fuzzy, and heck my fingernails popped off days ago. I haven’t felt much like ensuring I am maintained, but today I feel better! And I’m ON IT! There’s a little sliver of glass stuck in my big toe. I dropped a glass bowl early morning last week. I cleaned up the shattered mess the best I could, obviously I missed a teeny weenie piece. * Sigh * And my big toe found it for me! It’s SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!  I don’t care a thing about football. Not my bag… I did go to church with Lucy this morning. Man! The church is HUGE! It was like a coliseum! I wasn’t sure if I would like a big church like this one, but I do. Here’s a link to the church website. http://www.crossroadsodessa.com/index.html Lucy wanted me to go to a super bowl party tonight but I declined. I’m still very exhausted with this head cold but I am so much better. I woke up feeling it hard this morning, first things first, popped some medicine (non-narcotic) and a hot shower helped out a lot. Still… I couldn’t breathe through my nose, hate it when I got to breathe through my mouth, look like a fool with my mouth open all the time, then I get the dry mouth from hell. Every happen to you? Wake up in the morning with that slimy film stuck to the top of your mouth? Just miserable… The Pastor spoke of how God should have your first thoughts of every day. My first thoughts? Getting that funk out my mouth. I sort of had a mental breakdown yesterday. I just don’t handle being sick well. I’m a big WUSS! When I am physically down, it wears on my emotions so hard. I just let it all get to me yesterday morning. It seems to be centered on work, and that crap that keeps rolling through my head! So here’s the deal, a piece of it… You know who has led the boss to believe that she has a Bachelors degree, this is how she got the position that she now has. The truth is, I have more college behind me that You know who does. IN FACT, she comes to my sometimes daily to do her work. She doesn’t even know how to open a word document and type up something. She will hand write it and bring it to me to be typed up. Uh… like even her resignation when she was leaving a job core. She has manipulated and lied her way into one of the top positions at my place of business. AND she has the boss lady just wrapped around her little finger. It’s eating my lunch. But what can I do? I’m not in the position to do anything. It’s really none of my damn business… Other than, I can politely inform You know who that I do not have the time to complete her assignments? I guess… So… yesterday I forced myself outside and into the warm sunshine, and it got so much better. Had lunch with my sponsor and we talked a little about prayer and my distaste for You know who . My sponsor wrote on the back of a Rosa’s café napkin: God, Help me to see You know who as you do with love and tolerance. I’m supposed to read this as many times as it takes. I may just have to hit the repeat button in my brain for a while. Also, I talked to my sponsor about my prayer life. See I’ve found myself in the habit of telling God how I feel all the time. Then I realized, you know… God knows how I feel… and God knows it changes sometimes within minutes, so is it really called prayer what I been doing? So I talked to my sponsor about it and she cleared some things up. She made comment about, praying to God is like talking to a good friend, one that has all the answers to life’s problems and one that knows you better than you know yourself. So really I should be listening in the morning a lot more than I am talking. I should basically ask God to direct my thinking, ask for his guidance and then just thank him for what he has already done in my life, which is A LOT! And pray for those that I feel for… kind of like You know who . Lucy is a cool lady. I’m not real sure how old she is because she is a girly girl and fixing herself up with lots of makeup and big hair. It’s hard to tell… but she graduated beauty school in 1974 and I was born in 1977. So she’s definitely old enough to be my Maw. She was born in Mexico and has a strong Mexican accent. She was so gracious and attentive to me today. Just introduced me to EVERYBODY that crossed our path. “This is my friend Jennifer!” ever so cheerfully. Most of them asked if I was a hairdresser too, assuming that is how we know each other. I wasn’t feeling well at all, couldn’t breathe, woke up late, and didn’t have coffee or breakfast. My butt hurt from sitting still so long in the church and then in the ladies group but I’m glad I went. I’ll go back next time week to. I’ve been doing my taxes this afternoon. I may get back a little more than I had anticipated. This is cool! But I’m not going to get to excited, usually I get it up the butt from Uncle Sam, since I’m single, no kids, and not on welfare, it seems I get penalized. But… what do you do? I’m seriously considering taking some college classes. This was part of the resolution from my mental breakdown the other morning. I guess maybe I feel cheated to find out that You know who lied her way into that position and is making probably triple the amount of money I do, hasn’t been there as long as I have, really doesn’t even have the skills that I have to offer and damn sure doesn’t care about our mission like I do. But wait… God, Help me to see You know who like you do with love and tolerance. Of course I can’t AFFORD to take college classes but I’m going to begin checking into my options, see what is out there for help. I’m not going to get in a hurry, just take it one day at a time. Oh… For those of you that remember Sarah? My first and only Sponsee thus far? She just got nailed with a felony charge and is back in prison. I found out on Thursday. I’m very sad … very sad… to hear the news. BUT I’ve been praying for her and maybe this prison time saved her life. The road we alcoholics and addicts travel without recovery led us to either: jails, institutions or death. I think jail is the better of the other alternatives. Maybe this is what it will take… |
| I’m sick again. We had a nasty wind blow threw and it knocked me right back on my booty. It’s not the flu this time but like a head infection. My throat is sore, my ears are achy. I’ve had high fevers again. I spent almost all of yesterday ASLEEP. I’m serious, like at least 18 out of the 24-hour day I was snoring. That is so unlike me! I use to say that I’d get all the sleep I need when I’m dead. I’ve always been early to rise and late to bed… so for me to lay up in bed all day… I’m damn sick. I don’t have the flu now but because I was still weak from the flu I was even more susceptible to getting sick again. Did you know? Every year in the United States more than 200,000 people are hospitalized due to the flu, and about 36,000 people die from flu complications. I think I just became an advocate for the flu shot! This crud has made a believer out of me. I have a fever blister on my lip! I’ve never ever had a fever blister before. In fact! I think I've been sick more times while sober than I ever was when drinking. Is that possible? Can drinking alcohol kill germs and viruses in the body? Well I googled… and this dude so cracked me up: This is how he fights the flu: I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you... Sounds like dude is a young whippersnapper that time hasn’t caught up with yet. Here is what the doc says about my pondering: Alcohol does have antibacterial and antiviral effects when used on the skin, but internally, there is no scientific evidence that drinking alcohol is any more beneficial than other liquids, uh like… chicken soup, in recovering from a viral illness. In fact, it may be detrimental if the virus you have is causing liver inflammation and it can be dehydrating which can be damaging in high fevers. It's best to avoid things that are known toxins to the brain, stomach lining and liver and stick with fluids that replenish the body. Alcohol weakens the immune system and makes us an easier target for all kinds of injury. SO I can’t blame my sobriety on being so sick… I tried… I did… but it’s not possible. I don’t remember ever being this sick before! But then again… there’s a lot I don’t remember. I was pretty numb most of the time. I’m better today. It was beautiful out and I soaked up the sun. Attended two meetings. Visited with my mom and Mike, they made me stay outside on the patio … had lunch with Sheree, bought all kinds of disinfectants and cleaning supplies, came home and scrubbed every corner of my bathroom squeaky clean. Stopped by the vacuum place and got a new bag cause my vacuum was so heavy I couldn’t lift it. … I’m so bad about changing out vacuum bags but now that little dude is a mean picker upper! Drags me from one end of the carpet to the other! I can sure tell the difference when the cold medicine wears off but at least the medicine works with this sickness! Nothing helped with the flu! Don’t fall over in shock… but tomorrow I’m going to church. Actually, I’m going to join this particular church and start going every week. It’s a non-denominational and pretty good size. I’m going tomorrow with my new steps sponsor, Lucy. Lucy is an older Hispanic woman that has about six years continuous sobriety. Like me, she was in the program long before she ever got sober. I’ve been in AA for over a year and today I have 60 days of sobriety. I’m not sure how long it took for her to hold on to a dry date but it was many years. Some of us struggle harder then others… but the one’s that struggle the hardest are usually the one’s that can help someone else the most, in the long run. I’ve been going through a rough time here lately. It’s just been one thing after another… maybe there’s a breakthrough just right around the corner because the heat is damn sure turned up under my butt. This last sixty days has been tough. There’s been a few times I didn’t think I was going to make it. I’ve cried more than I’ve ever cried. I’ve hurt more than I ever remember hurting. I really hope this isn’t to no avail. Hope is really all that I’ve had to hold onto at times. Yeah, I think it’s worth it. If I didn’t… I would have given up a long time ago. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel… |
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