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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| In the olden days when I used to be a pretty regular blogger, one of the things I used to do was when I went for a hike (daily a lot of times) I would really 'think' and then whatever I was 'thinking' of at that time, usually became my blog entry. Well when blogging (and hiking) went by the wayside, I guess I stopped thinking about stuff. Well kayaking all weekend made me remember my ritual and I came up with several blog entries, but then of course, didn't blog!  (that's for you Party!)So I have a few things that still are in my brain so here's a go: 1 - Many situations don't really change, only what's going on in my head does. Case in point: my crush went sailing this weekend. Of course, I was sad because I didn't know first of all, that his boat was finished (or at least good enough to sail) and of course, I so wanted to go sailing again with him. We had such a blast a few weeks ago and when I saw his boat was gone ... I was super duper sad. I moped around a bit this weekend after that and of course, had all sorts of silly conversations in my head about it all - from he's moved his boat away from here, to he is finished with me .... blahblahblah. Well I happened to mention to my son, that he had gone and I was pissy about it. He, in his wisdom said, "Oh mom, don't over analyze it. He probably needed some time to get grounded (haha on water .. ok I added that part) , needed some time to think and wanted to give you some space too. That made sense to me (I"m still sad) but I decided that okay really .... his patterns have not changed, he has often gone sailing without telling me he was here, and he was just here the other day. So really, nothing has changed, except my imagination and my stories in my head. So yah ... I'll just say shut up bugzy and let things continue as they always have, until .. they don't. And quit acting like a teenager ... sigh. 2 - I can actually kayak for 5 1/2 hours in 2 foot swells and not die. In fact, it was so much fun, I actually laughed out loud so hard at one point, and started to cry! I surprised a family of 5 seals on the point, I didn't see them and they sure didn't see me, until I was almost on top of them! Two jumped and scrambled into the water. One just rolled right in, and then another jumped in, but the last one, just laid there looking at me, like ... what the hell are you doing here? This is my space. It was darn right astounding. Then around the next bend, there was another one, just laying sort of on his side, with his fins (flippers ?) tucked up, looking so serene ... we chatted (or I chatted, he pretended to care) while I paddled by .... lovely. I found an amazing little beach tucked around one bend right when I thought I could go no longer. I pulled up, laid out on my blanket in the reappearing/disappearing sunshine, ate my lunch, and felt immense gratitude for my life ..... sigh. 3 - I can actually do yoga after ummm 5 1./2 months and not die. I have been feeling the need to do yoga again. It's been forever, and I was a bit worried that I would actually break something. But it turns out surprisingly enough that all that kayaking has helped my yoga practice. I am quite a lot more limber than I thought I would be and I guess my amazing bicep action is also good for yoga. It felt amazing, lite the candles, cranked my yoga CD (took 5 mins to find it buried in the bottom of the CD basket) and I'm replaying it now and still have all the candles lit ... sigh. 4 - Tomorrow is the first day of school here and for the first time in ... hmmm .... 21 years I don't have any first day of school pictures to take, no new clothes to admire, no lunches to pack, no nerves to settle ... including my own. It will just be another workday (although I'm thinking of not going into the office .. I worked most of today and will do more tonight .. huge deadlines Friday). It feels very odd. Sort of anti-climatic in a weird way. I think I should be more emotional. I read the other days that libras aren't very emotional and I guess I can see that. I can be moody , but not that overly emotionally really. But still, there is a part of me that will grieve as that part of my life is over. I can see that my life is going to change quite a lot in the next few months as I look around and realize I am alone in my house. It's started already. I find myself absolutely blaring my music ... I wondered if I was regressing back to a teenager??? Lots of changes ahead ....sigh. 5 - Feeling about myself is directly attributable to how I feel about myself. I was so happy last Friday .. for various reasons and no reasons. It was funny ... I had two people stop me on the street to chat, and they both proclaimed how happy I looked - right away really, and before I had a chance to even say anything. When I kayaked on Friday after work, several people said hi or wanted to chat from their boats, or stopped on their kayaks (one guy on some sort of standing kayak thingy) and normally people just wave. But there was something in the air ... or the air around me ....that just oozed happiness and I guess approachability. I was just feeling good ... I think losing weight has a certain part in that. I feel so much more energetic and know that I am looking healthier.... Anyway the whole day was very lovely. I felt a bigger connection to the world ... made me even happier .. sigh. That's it for now folks. I'm behind in comments and blogs I see. So I'm going to answer a few emails, then read some blogs and see who else is here that I can get to know. Fun. Hope you all had a great weekend .. hey was it a long weekend for my southern neighbours too?? Regardless ... have a great week. I'll be back soon. hugs bugz |
| I know, if you read a couple of entries back, I proclaimed that I'm never happy .. well I lied. Today, I'm happy. Lots going on as per usual but I will blog the ole list of five to see if I can be a bit precise: one .. my 'couch' surfer is lovely. We had fun, just chatting, sharing stories. It can be fun to share bits about yourself that you haven't thought of for some time ... we talked about my old magazine writing days and I shared stories of folks I had interviewed and written about; so many people have inspired and touched my life. Dev was a hoot, we were both really hyper. He showed up right when the cat peed on the floor (dev was cleaning his litter box) he's never done that before and for some reason we went nutso and it just got worse the rest of the night! Sometimes the most ridiculous things make me lose my mind. But anyway, I behaved, couldn't possibly fall asleep with him on the couch and me in bed, so I worked until 3am, and was so damn productive it was awesome. He left early .. a lovely hug goodbye and now the let go and wait to see what happens starts again. But hanging out mid week was a nice surprise. two .. had an amazing day all in all. I worked from home ... so many deadlines and no meetings, so stayed home. Finished and sent off a grant application for $100,000 that looks very promising. We will be ok for another five months WHEN we get this one. It's an amazing project that I came up with that makes me feel so inspired, I almost can't stand it. We will be able to build full edible garden spaces into 10 families' homes in a lower income neighbourhood and we will have 10 youth to train and teach how to do this kind of work- learn skills, plan, design, build, grow food - it will be incredible. The funder loved the idea, so fingers crossed. I have four more grants due in the next few days ... so busy as always!! But I feel so sure that we are getting the money and that everyone including me will have jobs ... I'm confident .. yah, that's it, confident  three ... kayaked to the narrows today during a mid day break that I had to take after I emailed the grant. I always need to blow off steam after hitting a big one, and today was incredible. Super sunny, hot ... I got a sunburn. I love my kayak. I can't say that enough ... I love my kayak. I feel so free, at peace, biceps of steel, in nature, clean air, blue skies, playing hide and seek with my little seal friends, and marvel at the souring eagles, jumping fish. The waves were super high, almost tipped her a few times ... I got soaked, it was definitely the roughest its ever been ... scary at times, but fun. It's my heaven here on earth and I don't ever want to lose my gratitude for this ... my sanctuary. four ... connecting with new people on here. Saw a comment in another blog that blew me away and then spent two hours reading through this person's blog. I felt like a stalker, and wrote him and told him so, but I feel some sort of inner .. hmmm .. not anxiety exactly, but a sense that I something important to do. I hope I haven't offended this person ... I worry about offending people sometimes with my blabbing .. hope not, we will see. AND also found out about a WDCer who lives 5 mins from me... how flipping cool is that??? I might be a guest at their writing group here in town (not sure I can join .. tooooo busy) but what a riot .. I've never met anyone so close .. how amazing. and after only a few days back... yah. five. ...my sister .. through this other person's blog and the neighbour WDCer, I was brought profoundly back to my sister today. Hard to believe it's been over 8.5 years since she died. I can remember every minute so clearly. I drift away, sometimes, far away from that space that I was in at that time. How much that experience changed me for the better, how clear things were to me at that time. I want to get back to some of that inner peace and knowing that I had then. I am here again at WDC I think in order to find that again. I've been drifting and a bit lost lately. And the little crap that is nothing, has built up. I am alive, I am healthy, I am powerful, I am full of love and inner joy, I am creating amazing work in our community, I am blessed with incredible children, I have beautiful, loving friends, I have a huge heart, I am capable of being in my joy and letting go ... I've done it before, so I know I can do it again. I need to write more about her .. I will soon. I am grateful. I am here.  bugz |
My crush just called ... he asked if there was an opening in my couch surfing business  He's been renovating his boat and has slept over once before .. on the couch!!! and he wants to take me up on my open ended offer again, and how could I refuse?It will be 'torture' since Dev is home blabbing with gfriends on skype so I will have to behave and not let any more of my less than honerable thoughts take over my hands I've been terribly obsessed over him lately ... not sleeping, wandering thoughts at odd moments, you know the drill. So yah .. I'm smiling that I get to spend time with him ... even behaving time. More tomorrow night all ... sweet dreams xx bugz |
| Yup .. not being so hard on myself, letting go, not holding to expectations .... oh and not laughing so hard I get a headache (oh boy I have done that a few times!!) ... all good reminders on really what is important in life. I think therein lies most of the problem - getting caught in the trap of crap that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme. Easy to say, easy to forget. Today was a fairly ok day I guess. Had a lot of meetings, so don't feel like I personally got a lot done. We are down to our final 5 weeks of funding, but the whole team is working so hard I really hope we catch a good break and that they all get to keep their jobs. I know in my heart of hearts that things happen exactly as they should, so if they have to leave and find work elsewhere that is their journeys. I am just really attached to most of them and they work so hard and we have a good team - we know when to work and when to just goof off and overall, I'm really happy there. Devann is down to day 12 til she leaves. She started a blog ... http://devannstafford.blogspot.com/ And she has called it the adventures of a teenage gypsy .. I so love that. I hope she keeps it up while she's away, but I know only too well how hard it is to remain dedicated to something! Anyway, just finished writing, so pretty whacked out. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your words of wisdom as always. And I did take a picture of the bed on the dock, but I certainly can't remember how to post a pic on here and I have 250 items so unless they are being more generous with space, I will have to delete something first. And MOST of you (except PARTY) are on FB, so the pic is on there for your viewing pleasure. haha. Funny that I have at least another dozen friends from the old WDC days that aren't even here anymore but that are on FB, so that is very cool that we can still keep in semi-regular touch ...that is one bonus to joining PARTY!! Ok, night all, another busy one tomorrow!! xx bugz |
| I have been thinking about this a fair bit lately and here's the deal. When I get things that perhaps I have been wanting ... such as more writing work which I want, then I actually get .. I'm not happy. I am concerned that my main source of income (my job) is not very secure and I have some other financial problems (long story .. has to do with my brother who .. anyway long story for another time) but my finances are sketchy so I needed to start to write more again for money. So my son who has a lot of writing connections, hooked me up with a guy in England and I now write about 20 articles a week about finance stuff and it pays relatively well, so I can make about $400 a week depending on how many I can get done. They are quite time consuming but when I can get on a roll, I can get them done in about 20-25 hours. So that equates to about $20 an hour which is good money sitting at home. So yah .. it's good work but on top of my 50+ hours a week I spend on my real job, it is quite a chore. So here's the problem with me .... I am worried about money. I get a good second writing job that pays well. I can work from home, I'm good at it, I can whip off good articles without too much trouble. Yet I bitch and complain about now having way too much work to do and I'm whacked out all the time. Here's another one. I am at work and I go to meet with a funder. In the conversation I happen to say .. do you have any more money we can have?? Sort of as a joke, sort of not. Turns out that a grant we had that is attached to a person ( a bit complicated .. basically they provide money to supplement the salary for people in training) and the dude says ok .. you can extend this person's grant for another 3 months. I'm freaking out . thats good news - they pay half the salary, so that equates to about $3000.00 which is awesome. So I'm happy right? Well for a minute yes, then I'm not ... why you ask??? Because then I say, well what about an extension for this other person who they were doing the same thing for? And the dude says ,,,, oh sorry that person's grant was over last week, so it's too late to extend. You need to extend prior to the last day .... and I'm freaking out again! Why? Because I didn't know you could extend, therefore I didn't know I could extend the person who was expired and damnit all , they should have told me that was an option earlier and I would have extended earlier. So now instead of being happy that I got $3000 from them, I am mad because I should have got $6000. So get what I mean .. this kind of crap goes on all the time in my life. I ask for something, like my daughter to do some research for me for my articles as it's time consuming and she needs $, so I'm happy for the help and I offered to pay her to do that part of the work, easy peasy ... but then she does the research tonight and of course, and it's not good enough ... so then I'm not happy. Constant. ... here's more in case you still don't get it: Get to see my crush unexpectedly Friday = happy Didn't get to see my crush since = unhappy Get the guys at work to build me all new garden beds = happy They left a mess and didn't completely finish = freaked out unhappy Get another guy to fix my broken dock = happy He still has really finished it and I found the chain that was supposed to be attached to the house not attached = unhappy Been crazy dieting/exercising lost 23 pounds = happy Need to lose 20 more = really unhappy/mad because it's taking too long and I'm running out of time before I turn 50 Oh it goes on and on and on .... there is something seriously wrong with me that a) I find fault in everything ... b) nothing anyone does is good enough for me ... c) I flipping complain all the time .. d) I am complaining about the amount of complaining I do. It really comes down to just being grateful for what I have. And I know that .. but damnit , walking the talk is hard for me but I seriously am tired of not being happy and always looking for fault in myself and others. Hmmmm .. yah so that's the crap for tonight. And I shouldn't be here on WDC I should be writing since I'm seriously behind from last week and have this weeks to write as well .. yah. Complain, complain. I did enjoy kayaking today though and saw the most hilarious thing ever! I will try to take my camera tomorrow to show you all a picture ... there is a dock and on the dock someone has put a lovely white/brass bed with a lamp and chair.... it's absolutely hysterical. I hope it is still there. So moments of laughter like that make me forget to complain. Yah .. laugh more, complain less. Back to work .... love to you all xx bugz |
| Boy my brain must have been more fried than I thought last night - reading over my entry and the accompanying typos. Funny how your brain and eyes do one thing and your fingers do another. Well tonight I actually have zip all to say really, but just felt like I was on such a roll here that I thought I write something even if it's really nothing. Work was fine ... sent in two grants I had been working on for the past few weeks, so that felt good. Hired a new staff member, one more interview tomorrow for another one, found an internship for another staff whose job ends soon so that might mean he gets a job for another 6 months and the usual crap there. Our major funding source runs out in 5 weeks (on my bday) and so there is quite a lot of scrambling going on to keep the amazing staff on for longer - lots of juggling and stress, but one by one I am getting them more work, but it's pretty overwhelming all in all ... just trying hard to keep the faith. Went to an after work party tonight for a friend who is moving away - that was highly unusual for me since I've turned into quite a homebody these days I don't go anywhere. That meant I missed kayaking today, but at least I showed my face for a change and it was ok fun. So I have decided to purge my life of some of these hanger-ons that are sucking the life out of me. It's going to be hard but it has to be done. I have been avoided them for the most part over the last few days, but I think it's just time to tell them straight up that I am no longer interested in being the one they come to when they want to flirt or complain about their wives or just think I will just jump when they IM me or whatever hell else they want for attention because their lives are miserable. I think that once I just clear out this closet that is going to free up my life for more meaningful relationships. Well that's the plan anyway. We'll see what actually happens ... but has to be done. Kinda like a fall cleaning out of the closet. Purge a few old comfy sweaters and make new for the sparkly, more flattering ones ... or something like that. It will be good .. yup Had a few other nonsensical things I was thinking of writing about but really I don't have the energy to go into the long winded and probably not very exciting details really ... so yah, blah. Ok, well that was boring. I do feel like my blog is going involve a whole whack of bitching and nonsense til I get my head back in the game. Feel free just to say ... yup , hi bugz and move on. It's ok. I'm not that inspired by myself either right now. But I think inspiration will return soon enough - you just wait. So probably won't blog too much over the next few days - moving the kids, tons of writing articles that need to be done so I'll only be by if I need a distraction for a few minutes here and there. Have a good weekend all ... and thanks again for all your loving support even after all this time. Feels good to be back really. xx bugz |
| hahaha ... just posted then took a quick look and realized in the title i put ... How didI survive so love without you all? Good typo .. okk back to our regular programming.... Seriously ... I do remember blogging to be the best therapy I'd ever had (and I've had a lot) and Party hit the nail .. problem men and tentative in the same sentence .. I will just smack myself in the head right now to save you all the bother (and the plane tickets) Stood up is not really the right term when I pretty much knew it was going to happen ,,, still dumb and still hurts. Pooh. So time to close another door I'm thinking. Boy I've closed a few this week. Feels kinda good, kinda odd, but kinda good. Less drafty maybe. But a bit scary. I think it's my impending 'empty next' syndrome that is freaking me out. In two days my son and his wife who have been living two doors down since April are moving an hour away. And two weeks after that Devann is leaving for 6 months to go to Nicaragua as part of a youth volunteer exchange program and so for the first time since I was 22 I will be all alone. Even Cheezie the cat is moving to a new home (friends who need a mouser and he is not happy here cause he cant go outside anymore ... complaining neighbours) That combined with my very unstable job situation (which has been unstable for 3 years but still keeps on ticking somehow) ... I think all these things have just been piling up and I am feeling like there are way too many changes happening all at once and it is just damn overwhelming. I appreciate what you said Alfred (i'll reply to comments here as I'm too tired again to reply to emails) that settling is not a good idea ( and I CANT believe you and Pierre are taking a break!! OMG!!!) but still ... I'm almost 50 ( in 5 weeks) and it seems like as I get older it is getting harder and harder to find a partner and it just makes me sad. But I know .. things happen as they should so being alone for awhile is in the cards for me, so I should just go with the flow and enjoy it. No one to cook for or wake up, do laundry, nag .. omg ... NOONE to nag! wow!!!! Ok, this is good. So no other significant relationship, so no other person to nag.. I HATE nagging so if there is no one else here, there is NO ONE to nag!! OMG .. this is brilliant! Ok, there you go. I have to just revel in that for awhile and succumb to my headache that is not going away and go to bed with a sense of profound revelation for today. I knew there was a reason I started blogging again. Brilliant. Nite all ... I WILL respond to emails better I promise. And I did make it to a couple of blogs and will find some new friends too soon. hugs to all bugz |
| Day two .. don't get that excited. I'm exhausted - super late night last night, so struggling to keep my eyes open here, even though I 'should' stay up and work .. thinking I might pack it in in just a few mins here. But thought woot, 2 days day in a row might not be soo bad. It was a new day, found out last night was a full moon (i think) so that may have been a contributing factor to my meltdown nice to have an excuse anyway. Great to get comments today , almost forgot to check. I remember checking my comments used to be the first thing I did every morning, since I'm farther on the west coast than most of my old pals on here, it was lovely to wake to mail and lots of mail .. I remember not being able to keep up haha. But still that made me smile and my day wasn't so bad today. Lots to catch up on in here, but lets just take one step at a time. I still can't find anything, its like I went on holidays and someone moved my whole house. I see some old blog favs listed on the right here, but a lot are dead ... or sleeping anyway. No clue how to find the blog page... still don't like it!! Anyway, long kayak tonight, bbq and had a 'chat' with one of my problem men friends and there is a tentative 'date' tomorrow, but I think it's not going to pan out. I was feeling pretty good about myself all in all, but I think I just got pulled off track already. This is a tough one - so I'll see what happens. I've been working realllllly hard on lowering my expectations lately (not very successfully) but I will see how I manage tomorrow. For now, it's an early goodnight and I feel like I'm going to crawl back under a lovely old warm comforter called my blog. I wonder if I can remember how to change a pic on here ... that one up there is way old .. I'm much cuter now!! Ok folks .. I'll be by for a visit soon. xx bugz ohhh and if you didnt read the comments from yesterday, go have a look ... Alfred you are a DOG!! Made me pee my pants at work when I read that one ... hahaha People thought I was nuts(er) |
| This insane and I'm not even going to promise that I'll be back in my old haunt anytime on a regular basis, but this is a start so buzz off and don't bug me (that's a joke for those who might stumble here by accident and don't know me) But I've deleted my account off of another huge distracting and really dysfunctional site (no not facebook) so I will need another distraction to help me deal with the withdrawal, so yup, that means I'm back here in this crazy place. And probably mostly alone as all my ole chums .. gosh I miss the olden days ... are mostly all gone as well. Who remembers the days of blog birthday parties and record comments over the hundreds and late night games and in/outs and sharing our lives, our dreams, our abysmal failures .. those were amazing times ...but we must look ahead not behind. And who knows where my reentry into the blogging world might lead. I've had amazing friendships, a couple of amazing lovers, some complete disasters ( like my exhusband finding my blog and being all bent about the 'truth' as I see it) and just great solace and therapy all around. So yah .. tonight its about purging the crap I collected today ... mostly about men hate to say and the liars that I've attracted once again. So I need to purge them out of my life and get my feet back on the ground. Make my stance clear that I will not be subjected to their bullshit (these guys anyway . i am not one to stroke all with the same brush) take my part in participating in their lies and drama and once again proclaim .... I DESERVE BETTER .. (gunna have to brush up on my emoticons and other emphasises (i do see a bar up top there, but too tired to look) . I HATE the new WDC btw... what the hell .. I know I've been away for months, but I like things to stay the same!! grr Ok so we'll see what happens, I've got a shit load of past purging to do and once I figure out this new damn system I will try to find old blogging friends. And to those new ones I haven't met yet - I'm not usually this bitchy, so I apologize. We'll be good friends, don't worry ...  ok that was easy. Signing off for now ... good night. bugz |
| Please send your love to our dear friend Fleck. She and her son were in a car accident. I don't know too much, her son should be out of ICU now - Fleck has some injuries, but will be okay. Here's the info from her paper: Sussex County crash on Route 15 injures six people By The Star-Ledger Continuous News Desk January 19, 2010, 12:06PM LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP NJ-- Six people, including four children, were injured in a two-car head-on crash Monday afternoon on Route 15, State Police said today. A Pennsylvania father driving northbound in Lafayette Township with his three daughters as passengers crossed the double yellow line on a right-hand curve around 5:15 p.m. and struck a south-bound vehicle driven by a South Carolina mother who had her son in the car, said Sgt. Stephen Jones, a State Police spokesman. The father, Osmin Morales, 33, of Milford, Pa. suffered back and chest injuries, Jones said. His daughters, Jennice, 4, and Joceline, 10, suffered abdominal injuries, while Jasmine, 8, has a broken back and abdominal injuries, police said. All three girls and their father were flown to Morristown Memorial Hospital where the two younger girls were in critical condition this morning. Joceline was in stable condition, police said. Cheryl ..., 41, of ...., S.C. has a broken right ankle and was taken by ambulance to Morristown hospital. Her son, Brett, 11, suffered internal injuries and was flown to Morristown hospital , where he is in critical condition, Jones said. No charges have yet been filed, police said. The roadway was dry and clear at the time of the accident, and neither drugs or alcohol is suspected as a factor in the crash, Jones said.Jones said all six were wearing seat belts, which probably prevented more serious injuries |
| I don't get sad very often, but last night I just had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It's lingering today ... not sure what to do about it really. I've been having chats with myself that I am where I'm supposed to be, and that everything happens as it should ... but dammit I'm tired of being single. I think that's really the root of it all. I mean I've dated the last few years, and am even sorta seeing a guy now, but it's not going to go anywhere, so I think that's over. I talked to him last night and he's just too blase about having a committed long term relationship and although it's been fun when we do hang out, damnit I just want more and I don't want to feel bad about wanting more. I want it all and damnit I want it all. Hmm damnit seems to be a good word to use today. I miss real deep friendship, talking about all the crap about my day, physical stuff of course, but more it's about that connection and being with someone who just knows me ... supports me when I'm sad or overwhelmed, but who also kicks my butt when I'm being a damn whiner. Girlfriends are great and thank god I have a few good ones, but really I want more. I'm not sure how else to put myself out there but I guess all I can do is keep holding that vision and it will happen when it's supposed to. sigh .. ok , well that's my silly pity party for today. Lots of work to get to done here, so no more dilly dallying. Good news is that I have my gym bag packed and am heading to the gym right after work. Dev and I ''''''intented'''' to go last night, but yah .. good intentions .... Keep distracted, that's always good for combating poor me days ... lots of meeting this afternoon, so I should do something about that I guess. blah bugz |
| I just realized a critical element of this blogging business that I had not thought of before ... I can seriously come here and bitch about work rather than ranting on FB, cause too many people I work with are on that damn thing, so I have to censor myself ... and for those who know me, know I really don't like censoring myself Sooo my point is this .. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AT WORK!!!! I have a headache, I am hungry, I don't want to do any of the crap on my to do list or on my desk, and I wanna go home! waaaaaaa There ... phewf rant over and no-one is the wiser. Maybe I'll go out for lunch!  bugzy |
| First resolution .., for tomorrow maybe, fix my blog. It's all messed up because I think because I tried to make my portfolio uncreepable by non wdcers, I obviously did a great job, cause I can't find my blog either .. sheesh Anyway, quickie five real resolutions: 1 - hmmm go kayaking more (phewf that's easy) 2 - Have much more sex .. with someone else... hmmm not so easy, but I'll definitely work on it 3 - Work less ... alrightly .. I can so (maybe) do that. The goal, to work at home once every two weeks for a day... doable. Next day off .. hmm.... Friday, January 15th... good plan. 4 - Save money for ST LUCIA .. two week for real holiday coming fast and furious. Son's wedding, leaving Feb 25! wowza .. good times ahead. 5 - Wear a bikini in #4. Wonder if I can tie #2 into accomplishing #5 while enjoying #1 and definitely adhering to #3. Ok .. heading the water now. Wow, these might be resolutions I keep for a change. See in the blog pages again soon ... if I can ever figure out what I did! bugzy |
| As much as I am in total heaven having both my kiddies (and a soon to be daughter-in-law) in my 400 sq ft, house, it's still quite lovely as I sit here tonight, all alone. They have gone to visit my brother - who I have not spoken to since last Christmas (long story for those not in the know and certainly not worth repeating here) I'm happy that I'm keeping my shit to myself and allowing them to go there to have a relationship if they so chose .. but trust me, I will certainly NEVER sit back and allow them to go into business with him , that's for damn sure.... anyway.. they are off visiting and I had the night alone! ... ahhhh So two hours of cleaning the house !! yeah ... even though we seemed to tidy everyday, somehow having everyone OUT and really cleaning .. ahhh .. makes me happy now. I was getting way too akkkk about all the 'stuff' laying around haha.. god I sound much more anal than I am .. ok maybe not. So now, I'm cooking soup, drying apples, blaring my music, dancing around, gunna download a big batch of pics I took today - since my last laptop crashed, I lost allllll my pics ... that makes me the saddest. I think now ... after rereading my last post, I will actually do yoga .. It's been ages and I am going to try to do one thing good for myself everyday and so that sounds like a fabulous idea. Crank my favourite yoga CD, put on my yoga clothes and just mellow right down. That will be the perfect thing. Then a toasty shower, cook a big batch of kale, and by then the kiddies should be home ... yup. Hope they had a good time .... they put an offer in on the house three down from mine today, so I'm sure they are nervous as hell. Fingers crossed the offer is accepted .. I'll just be the most excited person on the planet. I'll put up a pic of their place 'when' they get it tomorrow .. just have to delete crap out of my port .. this 250 limit is a real pisser .. or maybe it's been so long since I've been here, they've uped it .. is that possible?? Ok .. yoga time ... night all my old friends (and maybe some new ones) bugz |
| How can it be that it's been so long since my last entry. I logged in here and even my blog set up is weird .. I don't think I changed anything, but when I come back in, I'll try to see if I can figure it out. So in the ole blog spirit of five ... here's a brief update: 1 - Drew my awesome son, is here visiting with his fiance. They are putting an offer on a float house tomorrow, three down from me ... if they get it I'm just gunna burst a gut with joy .. They've been here for a week, and I've had the time off work, so it's been a super good time. Countless nights of laughing til we cry. Great stress relief all around .. I'm a happy momma. 2 - Bad Car Karma continues - since buying Dev a cutie little car for her birthday in July, it's been in the shop more times than on the road .. after spending over $2000 fixing it up, now the bill is for another $1300 and I just cant do it. No money for a new car either, so I guess somehow we will have to learn to share one - but with my crazy work hours and late meetings, her going to school 40 mins away, not sure how we'll swing it - but I'm keeping the faith that it will turn out ok. 3 - Work - insanely busy, can't even believe I'm off for the rest of the week. But I've been working at home 3/4 hours a day and so I'm keeping up, yet having lots of down time, so it's all good. We have a few new projects, but I am going to have to buckle down here and find some more grant money as things are running out by March ... keeping the faith here too. 4 - Men .. bad men karma here too still I guess .. absolutely nothing to report of any interest whatsoever ... sigh 5 - Me in general .. hmmm ... too much here to write now. Lots of introspection tonight .. we were sorting through boxes of photo albums and it was quite surreal to look back over my life. There were so many pictures where I was darn right gorgeous ... which was so odd to me. My whole life I have never been happy with my body, or my hair, or my look, and now as I sorted through the pictures and was so astounded at how happy I looked and how beautiful I looked .. I just somehow wish I had known what I really looked like at that time. I'm feeling terribly frumpy lately ... so at least I'm somewhat motivated to get back to balancing my life a bit and getting some exercise ... but overall it was a very emotional experience. Lots of friends and family that I found myself missing terribly .. maybe I'll try to find some of them on facebook later. Someone the other day told me not to focus on the negative .. and that keeps coming back to me, as I think I've been slipping again lately and doing just that. I miss blogging . I feel that somehow all this crap has been building up inside of me and I need to find an outlet to get it out of my body. Perhaps that is the extra weight I find myself carrying again ... I don't know, but I do know that somehow again, I need to get some stress relief without adding to my already overwhelmed life ... yoga, blogging, meditating, walking, .. something or all things - I don't know .. but for now, it's a blog entry. That's a good step. I sure miss you all .. perhaps I'll be back again soon bugzy |
| My gratitude list of five 1 - For this place. Thank you to ShellySunshine for the upgrade. I just wrote her because I couldn't figure out why when I thought I purchased an upgrade, it only turned out to be a basic and I thought I would lose my blog. So Ms Michelle being a blue gal now - I thought I'd ask her to check. But she doesn't listen too goooood cause she didn't really check she just went ahead and bought me an upgrade for SIX months!!! AND I got an awardicon from GabriellaR45 for a sucky poem I wrote awhile ago. That was another fabulous surprise! Thank you Thank you!!2 - For my other friends. I have been hanging in facebook a bit more often now and it's been quite a joy to see some of my ole WDC friends in there. I used to think FB was a waste of time, but since I"m not hanging in here much, not online looking for boys (see #5) I find I still need my internet diversions to click on between working this and that .... so that's been fun and makes me happy. I am so grateful to have such amazing friends ... online and in real life. I think this maybe the most, truly, fabulous group of friends I've ever had. I'm blessed. 3 - For my kiddies. Can't be having a few moments of gratitude without mentioned my awesome daughter. Devann is just a joy to me. She goes for her real driver's license on Wednesday - then she'll be out and about all on her own. She has such a good head on her shoulders. I taught her to parallel park today (little late I know .. akk) and she did better than me. She said it was cause she had such a great teacher! woot! She is doing so amazing ... she loves her new waitress job and they love her and it's at a pizza joint so I love that too! Drew is amazing as always. Can't believe he is getting married in March. I am so looking forward to the wedding - it's going to be an incredible time. Tickets to St Lucia are purchased and stuck to the fridge winking at me every time I open the fridge door - good times ahead.4 - For my home. When I kayaked this morning - farther than I have ever gone and I saw two herons, three bald eagles, then a seal poked his head up to say hi ... I actually had to stop and cry. The viewpoint from where I ended up was so incredible, it was almost overwhelming. The layers of mountains, the ocean, the blue sky speckled with just a light dusting of clouds, was too much. I cannot believe this life that has been created for me. I am so grateful ... so honestly grateful. I don't know what else I can possibly say. 5 - For my own tenacity. I have been knocked down more times than are bothering mentioning but gosh I just keep picking myself back up. I have had a rough go with work, but the incredible turn of events that has been continuing to happen, just have solidified my 'gut' that said to stick it out. We are becoming more and more successful, and it even looks like we will be moving office space as we will be probably be expanding ... a bit nerve wracking but all very exciting. And my love life over the past few years - gosh most of my life has been a roller coaster ride of the extreme. I'm honestly cautiously very optimistic right now. A very lovely young man has entered into my life and I must say I'm quite smitten. He is very cute, funny, talented, musical, interesting, quirky, slightly odd, and best of all is an extraordinary writer - that just tickles my fancy that's for sure. I'm stepping forward taking big breaths but wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't it be nice .... Well that's all my five for now. I miss you all tremendously. It was quite disheartening to scroll quickly through the blog page and see only two folks that I even knew. Times have changed in here that's for sure. I'm sure there are lots of lovely, talented, and interesting bloggers in here now - but gosh I do miss the olden days. For those who I know ... I will pop over to say hi. And for those who I don't ... I wave a hello to anyway! Blessings to you all and hopefully I'll pop in again soon. bugzy |
| Someone sent this to me today and it cracked me up so much that I saved it to my desktop and then played at our Annual General Meeting tonight to 35 people right after the new Board of Directors was elected!!! http://www.scrolllock.nl/home.cfm I was doing the happy dance now that we have a whole new board and they are all happy and keen and all the grumpy asses have gone away and yup ... it's all super duper. Have fun with this dude ... I keep saying .. I LIKE YOU .. I REALLLLY LIKE YOU! I'm still cracking up here! bugzy |
| Devann and I made M&M flavoured pancakes tonight and as I was skillfully flipping one we had a simultaneous thought that Dev said out loud, "Are you gunna blog about this?" It made me laugh because I was thinking the same thing and sad because I told Dev I never blog anymore. Gosh how things change..... So we made M&M flaboured pancakes tonight .... and they were delicious!! And that's all I've got time for tonight ... miss you all! |
| This week was over the top for stress! But after 3 late nights working til 2am, I got another grant in 6 hours before the deadline last night .. so today was a total destress day. Had an amazing breakfast with a very dear sweet friend, then a day of sailing with my gf Rosie. Devann brought a gf too and it was a totally amazing day. The sun came out, the wind was awesome, we bbqed on the boat .. anything bbqed tastes great, and anything bbqed on the boat tastes like heaven. Hard to believe what a difference a day can make .. hard to believe that this person could possibly be stressed at all .... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Well now it's a movie in bed with popcorn and my cat. Have a beautiful rest of your weekend my friends. bugzy |
| My participation in blogville has been beyond pathetic .. no excuses left. However, in my defense, I have been busy and the latest silliness I've been up to is to finally hit the big time ... YOUTUBE! Oh yes ... it's true. I've media slutted out completely and I've now ventured completely to the dark side. Without further adieu .. here's the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaGbPdYEj2g Please be kind .. there was no script, my sweet friends who filmed and edited had no clue what they were doing and had a crappy program to cut out my giggles and planes flying overhead but they did an amazing job with what they had to work with. And really .. my boobs are NOT that big AKKKK .. I had this new bra on that jeeezus pushed my girls up and way out .. I swear to GAWED I'm not that big!  So there you go .. back I go to grant writing hell (HUGE one due Friday) But good news ... got one grant approved yesterday (woooot!) and all in all life is good, lots of work, but lots of kayaking and sailing too!! (minus my sucky love life that is) I'll pop around later to say hi to those who are still around - odd to go through the blog pages and not know more than one or two .. wow ... things have changed. Sad really. Hugs to you all. And please drop a note to Eric and Debi if you haven't .... Eric's mom passed away on Saturday and I've been remiss on passing along this sad news. |
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