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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| Tuesday, November 18th at 2pm I'm meeting with the possible future publisher for my book. He has written me twice to follow up and I can't fight the Gods any longer. He even remembered the title .. that impressed me. So yah .... no more mucking around. I'm off to edit!!!!  bugzy |
| I'm stoked. I just got home from a three hour Environment Commission meeting - not something that would get the average Joe stoked I don't imagine. It may even seem like hell to some folks, and parts were definitely boring hahaha... but there was some real inspiration in the room. Near the end, when it was open forum - questions from the floor, I decided to get up and share my two and a half cents and made two main comments. I wanted to make one more, but decided not to be too overly ingratiating - anyway hard to explain out of context, but it was very way cool - after the meeting, a couple of the speakers came up to me and said great comments. Then I actually had about six people come up to me and want to talk more about what I said, then when I finally after 20 mins made it to the breakout room, the main facilitator saw me walk in and said, "Oh, THERE she is!" and proceeded to direct two more people to talk to me. Then I spent the next 20 mins just having great discussions with a few folks from the community and I just felt.... gosh how can I say it? Inspired, stoked, impassioned, part of something much bigger and very exciting. I am reminded of some of my days at the bank, when I would come home from long days of meetings and feel the same way and I would lay awake for hours totally wound up. But now, I at least feel that this work is worthwhile and that what we are doing can really affect change. It wasn't just the long haired, hippy types that were there either - there was a very esteemed panel of experts, environmental scientists, extremely well educated people ... this is good stuff and I'm finding that I am finally feeling like a real part of this community - and it's only taken two years. I like and need that sense of belonging and I really felt it tonight and it makes me feel good all the way down to my soul. The mayor comes up to me when he sees me in the street and at meetings, another candidate (we're in municipal elections right now) came up to me tonight and said, "Oh YOU'RE Judy Stafford- I've seen your name around several times lately." okay never mind... it was NOT in the personals  The last few days, I've really been wrestling with giving up on some of my writing gigs. I've worked so hard to get these jobs but I'm feeling less and less inspired to continue. I'm so burned out from working so much and thought that I can't let them go, they're all I've worked for, for over two years, but tonight I felt a shift and tonight I felt - no, this is what I'm supposed to be doing now. Letting go of some of my writing is not failing, it was a stepping stone to bring me here. I have bigger work to do and I'm feeling inspired to follow this path now. Funny how I've ended up here. Writing has brought me a lot of joy, and allowed me to stay hermiting to a point and secluded. But now, I feel like I am needing to get out there again and be a part of things. Feels good. Tiring but good. I feel positive again. Yup. I think that whole American feeling from yesterday (and your new prezzie was quoted up here tonight a few times!  ) has seeped up across the border.Cool eh? Let's hope we can maintain this optimism for a while yet. It's good. bugz |
| Just a quickie cause I'm hankering down to watch a flick and chill out. But I did get forgiven by the minister and it turns out, when he realized I was a no show, he asked a very, very interesting man who I know and who, among other things, is President of the Island Farmer's Alliance and a way cool guy, to fill in for me. I dropped him a thank you note and I'm sure whatever he had to say was great. So I feel relieved - and yes we're going to reschedule. So that's pretty much it for me. Here's a pic of me as the bad little devil-girl I was last night. My horns are cut off, but after making sure I had a camera at the party I went to, I proceeded to forget to take pictures, so this is the only one. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** What no good was I up to last night eh?  Not telling!Hope you all are ODing on chocolate! And go go nanonites - I'll be cheering you all on with my spanky new cheerleader. Just have to still delete stuff from my port to add her. Hope you all have a great weekend. Cheers! bugzy |
| Ever think (unjustifiably so) that you're just maybe kinda on top of things? Yah well I thought that way until just now. I was so caught up in fact that I (stupidly) decided to paint the office this weekend. It really is a pigsty and it was really getting to me. So Thursday/Friday I gutted the office, Saturday I painted and Sunday I planned to put the office all back together. I have 3 articles due this week, but thought NOPE I am not writing one frikkin word this weekend. I am going to fix up the office and chill the rest of the weekend. Things were going swimmingly. Well, until Dev got sick yesterday so as soon as I got here, she called and I had to rush around and return home. But that was okay, I hung out, cleaned my house and napped and watched movies. Nice bonus down day. I figured it didn't really matter if I just put the office back together today instead .. I didn't have anything pressing for today. So I get to work and start to get organized. It looked like a bomb went off ... fairly daunting actually and I am still sore from moving all that crap around by myself. As I was driving in this morning and even when I was working I was thinking about next Sunday. I was asked by the minister of the local church to come and do a 15 minute presentation to the congregation - it was International Food Day - or something like that. We chatted for about 20 minutes a few weeks ago, I knew what I wanted to talk about and was really excited about going there. I was going to talk about our work involving food yes, but also how I came to be here working blahblahblah. I wasn't nervous, in fact I'm getting used to speaking and I was really looking forward to it. I was on TV on Friday and I think the interview turned out really well. The producer cut out all my flubs and stuttering!  Well anyway, I checked the emails and wanted to write down an meeting for tomorrow on the big wall calendar, so I pulled it out from underneath a pile of crap where it had got dumped when I pulled it off the wall last week, and I wrote in that date. Then I looked over a few other things and guess what I saw???? That my church presentation was in fact yesterday - not next Sunday as I had thought!!!  I am so upset I can hardly stand it. I can't believe I messed up. I feel like such an ass. Not only is it so damn unprofessional but it was also a great opportunity missed to talk about our work here. I am just beside myself. I of course, called the minister right away, but it's his day off ... so now I get to wait for the call back tomorrow... sigh. I need to stop and take stock of my life. I am feeling my old ways of being at the bank and being a crazy person starting all over again. I am so overwhelmed most of the time and when I finally have what I think is a weekend off, I book crap to do instead of taking care of other things that are important and then I forget half of the stuff I'm supposed to do too. Sigh... well I'm going to go beat myself up some more for a few minutes here then get to the bank. At least we got a cheque in the mail today, so I can get paid today too! Thank goodness for small mercies. Grrr... but the office does look awesome. I'll post some pics later once I've finished cleaning and putting up the shelves again. Hope your Mondays were better. yah I know Fleck - yours wasn't either! ... *hugs* bugz |
| I've been meaning to blog more regularly - really I have! I haven't even been that busy. I am choosing not to chase after writing gigs right now. So if my editors don't ask me, I don't approach them. I could be writing three articles at least right now, but I'm just not going to. Seems a shame that I worked so hard to build these connections to now be turning away work, but I just have to set my priorities and my full time job is just too much. To have two full time jobs, has been taking its toll. It's been nice the last few days to just chill when I get home although I have an article due Friday, so I guess it will be a long night tonight. Seems silly to complain though. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to do today .... complain I mean. I had the opposite intention. Other than a few glitches here and there, Devann stuff, (which is getting sorted), not getting paid yet this month, (hopefully that will happen soon) and the usual men crap, (don't ask), I have a lot to be thankful for and I love it when I am presented with opportunities to be reminded of the good stuff (so ignore my apparent whining  )This morning when I came to work there was a homeless man sleeping in our front stoop. I would have walked around him, but he was leaning right up on the door and there was no avoiding him. I stood there for a minute not wanting to wake him but not sure what else to do. In hindsight I should have just gone for a walk and let him wake on his own. But I just said excuse me a few times, until he heard me and jumped up. We chatted for a few minutes. It's cold here now in the mornings and I felt horrible thinking how cold he must have been all night. He felt awkward and apologetic, I, of course, felt the same. We both apologized a few times. I wasn't sure what else to do, there are shelters here, but I know from volunteering at them before, some folks just can't handle them. I walked in my office, put my stuff down, and was just feeling overly abundant and a bit sheepish really of all the blessings I have in my life. We have a box of apples from last nights pick here (one of our programs is to harvest fruit from trees that would otherwise go to waste and deliver them to food banks) so I grabbed a handful and took them back outside to that man. I'm sure if he wanted fruit he could just pick his own from a number of trees around that are neglected, but I guess that's stealing, so although it seemed silly, he seemed happy to receive them. Well not much more to say about that really. Just another reminder not to take things for granted and to stop complaining so much. I have been very lucky and have had amazing support as I've had a few challenges these last couple of years getting settled here. I could not have done it without such amazing help from my family and a few close dear friends, one whom I miss a great deal. But all I can do now, even if I can't help anyone financially and am still struggling with that myself, is just share what I can, even if it's just a few kind words and a couple of apples. Life is good. Hope you all have a good day bugz |
| This weekend was rough, and I'm glad it's almost over now. I can finally relax, lay in bed and read for a bit. I did have one highlight - went to a book sale that a gal I met through work was organizing and got EIGHT books for eight dollars .. mostly on how to deal with raising teenagers But probably all was for naught - I figure Dev and I sorted out a lot today without them. We didn't have our chat until this morning as it turned out. I got a "Help, we need a rescue" call from my brother and his friend yesterday around dinner, cause their truck broke down, so I had to go hop in my car and drive 4 hours to pick them and up and take them home, then come back here. But it was worth it - I can't remember how many times they've rescued me - it sure hurt their little egos having to be rescued by a GIRL... but they were very appreciative. And my brother and I hung out last night in his 'newly' devoid of his wife house - which is so nice, I hate to say. We just sat and drank beer and gabbed and watched crap on TV. ... it was kinda fun. But it was super late when I got home, so there was no way I was going to deal with Dev's crap. When she came in my room this morning and crawled on my bed, I figured we better get it over with. It was a good chat all in all. And we've been talking about it throughout the day. She agrees pretty much with everything. She had lots to say about the party and what went on that she didn't like and I really felt she thinks a lot of the drama of the party and post was a bunch of crap. I won't get into it, but she got herself in the middle of a few situations that were not so great and a few of her so called friends were mad at her for 'babysitting' them they said. They said they want to go to parties to be bad and don't want anyone telling them so..... yah. Well she agreed to being grounded for one week. So she cancelled her next Friday and weekend plans and told all her friends she was 'grounded." They all freaked out saying.. "But you're NEVER grounded!" It's been kinda funny all day as she keeps saying things like, okay well I guess I won't be doing this or that. She made a "chore" list and proceeded to do all of them. She has cleaned her room AND vacuumed, in fact she's still at it up there. She also banned herself from her computer - I said she didn't have to... so we'll see how long that lasts. She said, "Be prepared for me to bug you a lot this week, because I'm going to be bored!" haha Not sure how we are going to handle future party invites. Halloween is at a friend's house where I know the parents and they will be there, so that's okay. I guess we'll just deal with each situation as it comes along. But for now, all's good in paradise once again. Thank God! And you all for all your encouragement and suggestions. Okay off to skim a few parent books and figure out how I should probably just write my own! Have a great week all. I'm hoping for one with a little less drama myself! bugz |
| Looks like today we will be treading into new territory and it's not where man has never gone before - just Devann. Devann is about to be grounded. Sigh. I've never bothered with that realm of 'punishment' before. a) it was never really necessary, b) I don't think it works anyway and c) I always managed somehow to use a more proactive 'Barbara Coloroso' approach... "Oh you want to go with your friends? Sure, you can do that, right after you clean your room." Worked like a charm. Until this weekend. Yup big plans, 3 girlfriends coming here for the night, so the standard phrase (see above) kicked in and reminders were scattered throughout the week. All appearances indicated things were progressing in the pit of hell: laundry basket filled with grubby clothes appeared, a few dirty dishes, even.... this is the kicker - the vacuum positioned on her landing. This involved digging it out from behind the couch, (no easy feat) and lifting it up overhead about 6 feet (another no easy feat) I slipped. I did not remember to preform the obligatory 'inspection.' Part bad memory, part laziness of climbing up that damn ladder to get up there! But last night when she was out - oh yah, plans had also 'changed' to ... we want to go to a party FIRST, THEN we'll be home. They wanted to come by bus at 1:30am.. Umm no. "I" would pick them up at 11pm. That was after much negotiation that started at me picking them up at 10. Social suicide according to the drama queen herself. I had a funny feeling something wasn't quite right - and sure enough when I braved the climb, my eyes were forever traumatized by the sight that beheld them. The pit of hell had indeed remained the pit of hell, sans a laundry basket and a few dishes. The big pisser was there was no way in hell she had vacuumed. So there was not only a breach in the 'your room has to be cleaned prior to friends coming over.' but the whole sneakiness of 'carry up the vacuum to make it LOOK like she had cleaned' burned my ass big time. Sigh. Then I realized I had totally messed up. Busy-ness is my downfall. When I have just too many things going on (no excuse I know) I slip up. Although people may look at me and think I am too easy going as a parent, they are dead wrong in a few respects. Dev never has been allowed to go to people's houses if I haven't met the parents. I always get the phone # and address and we have had other rules, like no sleep overs the first time you get together, no making plans in less than 24 hours etcetc. Well this time I totally screwed. As I am texting her at 930pm saying I wanted to come a bit early as I am exhausted, I realize I don't know where the hell she is. I had sort of thought she was at one girlfriend's house, but then I realize, no there was a mention of another person Taz, or something and I just felt sick to my stomach. I had let all my stupid nonsense of this week, interfere with paying attention to her and I realized I screwed up big time. She didn't answer her text or phone call and I started to panic. I hopped in my car and just started driving in that direction hoping that I could somehow figure this all out when I got there. After about 10 minutes, she did text back.. with Hey. Before I had a chance to reach through the phone and smack her, she called. Let's just say the conversations were very convoluted and I knew she'd been drinking. She had originally told me they were not taking booze to the party and wanted to drink when she got back here... which I wasn't happy about either, but gosh I'm still trying to figure out the rules in this new bloody game - have I ever said how much I HATE games!? I managed to figure out where they were but not til after her cell phone died and she ended up calling me back from someone else's phone - another deal breaker.. her phone must be charged! That could have been another disaster if she had not been near another phone for some reason. Highly unlikely but still. And she was all about, don't worry I have my phone. But then it dawned on me.... that is a false sense of security - she could be ANYWHERE!!! GRRRRRRR I so wanted to smack myself silly!! I was so pissed at myself. Got the three VERY drunk girls into my car and managed to keep my cool while we drove the agonizing 30 minutes back home listening to them go on and on and on and on and on about this boy and that boy .... etcetc. In all fairness Devann was very cute. She kept asking how my day was and what I had been doing that night - except she asked about 4 times. I didn't let on I was mad, because there is NOTHING worse than getting burned in front of your friends. So got them home relatively in one piece. She did come straight into my room and admit to drinking (one point) and said they were not going to drink anymore cause they all felt sick ... (good) She did listen when I said they could NOT go wandering around outside - I said that as she fell into my door.. so she had enough sense to agree she wasn't so steady on her feet and we do live ON the water!! They sat outside on the dock for a bit and I turned off my music so I could heat the telltell signs of a splash Luck would have it, there was none. They crawled up to bed fairly quickly and passed out... thank god. They've been fed the obligatory huge hangover breakfast including water and tylenol and the rides home start soon. Then shit will hit the fan and I feel sick about it. This is parenting 101 and for the most part, I have managed to avoid most of this kinda crap. My son was awesome and I honestly didn't have to deal with most of it since he lived with his dad when he going through 'those' years. But now I guess it's time for me to step up to the plate and to be honest... I just dont' want to. But I will. But it will be hard. I am listening right now to the giggles of 3 very sweet girls who are all cute in their pjs eating their breakfast and retelling their stories of their last night adventures. And Devann is just so sweet right now and thinking about the pout and anger that will be coming up shortly just breaks my heart. She gets 'grounded' because honestly that's the only weapon of defense I have right now. Her only focus is getting together with her new friends and nothing else is going to have much effect. My immediate thought was two weeks, no after school stuff, no friends here, no going anywhere. Then I realized two weeks yesterday is halloween and of course there is already a party planned and the costume, although not purchased, has been figured out. So I have about 2 hours to decide whether I bring out all the gunfire and hit where it's really going to hurt, and have the most effect no doubt, or just go for one week and have it be diluted but probably effective regardless. How much does the punishment fit the level of the crime? The cellphone dying last night, the not knowing where she was (although that was my fault) , the drinking when she said they wouldn't, the sneakiness about the cleaning room .....am I just making a big deal about nothing? I just don't feel like it this time. I feel like even after 23 years, I don't know how the hell to be a parent. But this time I gotta put on my mommy jeans and at least fake being a grown up I guess. But honestly, I'd rather go play in the sandbox. Wish me luck bugzy |
| Today I played hooky (or HOOKIE according to MS editor fleckgirl )for a few hours cause my 'friend' got a new awesome underwater video camera thingy and we wanted to look under my 'house'! Bet not many of you said you did that today!! Anyway.. it was super duper cool and awesome.. this little fishy guy swims around and you can see everything! We put it on the bottom of the ocean and saw all sorts of coolness and we saw a squid and jellyfish and one of my forks! We are going to have to do some more rigging to get to look right under my house .. the idea is to see if my floatation is still okay - cause one of my neighbours thought a piece of it was floating away the other day Not what you wanna hear.. I need all the floatation I can get! So yah.. that was fun. When I got back to work - and I was in the paper again... sigh.. haha... here's the link even I found it online.... http://www.bclocalnews.com/vancouver_island_central/cowichannewsleader/community... heehee... this was the 'revised' article from the other one where I was kinda being a bit more grumpy. I thought the newspaper dude did a good job of turning it around so I didnt sound quite so pissy this time haha.. I guess I owe him lunch. Anyway - there is a leeetle scrap going on at work because I went ahead and hired someone to do our website, since it sucked and was from like 1912 or something and one of the other staff is not happy with it .. but yikes.. oh well. No one was doing anything and it kinda pisses me off that AFTER the fact the peop's who don't want to do anything .. then complain the loudest when someone does something, and they don't like it ... but oh yah... so well.... here's our new spanky site if you wanna see... still some more stuff to do , but I kinda like it! http://www.cowichangreencommunity.org/ Yup.. so I guess I'll deal with the naysayers tomorrow at the board meeting. So the Katimavik gal and I are busy cleaning out the office and refiling all the crapola that was laying around everywhere and things are starting to look much better. Then I got an email which made me CRY!!! I had applied for a grant of about $70,000. The funder wrote me a huge email saying it was way too much money, they wouldn't pay for this and they wouldn't pay for that because I only applied to hire one staff person. I was choked!!! It would mean that we wouldn't have rent money for December and they'd only pay 40% after that and blahblahblah.... I had to sit for like 20 mins just with my head in my hands trying to figure out how the hell I was going to fix this mess. So finally I bit the bullet and called her. It was hilarious from the start - because these are the dudes that wouldn't talk to me when I was still 'employed' by them a few weeks ago and the gal said, "Oh I was talking to Larry (the dude who wouldn't speak to me and NEVER remembers my name) and I was so upset because I thought this email would make you cry!" Well I had her cracking up within 2 minutes and told her I was okay now, they rushed me too emerg fast enough to stop me from bleeding to death from slitting my wrists and it pretty much went up hill from there. Long story and 20 mins later .... not only are they going back to paying 80% of all our rent etc but now I'm going to hire TWO staff instead of ONE... HILARIOUS!! oh yah... uhuh... one more for the little guy!! Yup... so all in all a super duper day... well except the article rewrite I have to do tonight cause my editor HATES it ... but other than that it's all good up here.Hope you guys are having a super good spanky week too! now Debi Wharton you get your mind outta the gutter! bugz |
| It was Thanksgiving Weekend up here and I always try to spend a bit of time thinking of what I'm grateful for. It's so easy for me to get stuck in the muck and 'forget' the good things. I was going to go back and reread a previous list but I'm too lazy, so I'll just forge ahead with a new one and perhaps I'll go back and look another day to see what's changed. Since it is getting late and I do still want to squeeze a movie in before sleep, I'll just spew this list in no particular order and see what happens. * Let's see... I'm grateful for Devann - thump, thump, thump as she makes her way down her ladder to come say hi and say she'll watch the movie with me.. (so this is gunna be even quicker). She's facing some challenges at school for sure, but overall I know we'll be okay. I just love her to death. And I'm proud of her. * I'm grateful that my son, Drew, is so awesome. He's thinking of proposing to his girlfriend and bless his heart wants the whole diamond thing - I'll try not to impose my thoughts on all that nonsense! But he's doing so great. He looks amazing and is taking good care of himself and now although he's thinking of staying ANOTHER year in Korea, I know that's a great idea for him. They'll have lots of opportunity to travel and they'll have their student loans paid off sooner. I think it's all very exciting!* I'm grateful for the amount of writing I get to do - and get paid for. I was really grumbling and complaining to myself earlier as I had 4 to finish by tomorrow and was feeling sorry for myself if you can imagine! I just wanted to be super lazy all weekend and articles just kept sitting in the back of my mind - but they're done now - so it's all good. And gosh I wanted to be a writer - didn't I.. so just slap me silly again! * I'm grateful that I was hired on fulltime at work. It means more money eventually and also the ability to just take charge and get things done. When I'm not being pissy, I can realize that we are doing good work there and I know when things get sorted, we can start to really make a difference. The projects we have lined up are exciting. It's a good thing. Soooo much better than being at the bank!! * I'm grateful for freedom of speech - I know I take this one for granted, and sometimes I get myself in trouble - but tomorrow I'm being interviewed by the TV station again and I'm going to have an opportunity to once speak my mind about some of the unfairness of the system - and I'm free to do that. * I'm grateful to keep having the opportunities to move beyond - we had a great family dinner and few days at my brother's house. Now that his wife was gone, things were much more relaxed and fun. There was a friend of my brothers there who normally I don't tolerate too well. He's a real chauvinist and puts down women a lot. But the other day, I just let it go and we ended up laughing so hard we were both crying. I .. ahem....ignored his hand on my ass and just let him be his normal, piggy self without getting pissy with him. The result - fun and more fun and lots of laughs. It was good. * I'm grateful for my friends - especially on here. I can come here in any mood, any time of day and night and I always get support, lots of encouragement and love. I've said this a million times, but I can't imagine my life before WDC. * I'm grateful that I have challenges that make me stop and regroup. I have to deal with some damn pissy people where I live who seem to do nothing but enjoy making others' lives miserable but it's good - makes me glad to be who I am and allows me the opportunity to be a bit more tolerant myself. * I'm grateful for my health. Although I know I should, should, should - I'm healthy and my kids are healthy and hell even my pets are healthy. Thank god for that cause yah... I'm still procrastinating on getting health insurance... gak! * I'm grateful for little gifts I get all day - the sun shining, nature sharing her beauty, fresh air, my car that starts, technology, organic earl grey tea, abundance of good, nuturing food, my loving cat and dog, warm blankets, music, yoga, my amazing house on the water.... and the list could go on and on. But I'll stop now. I am totally out of any remnants of leftover-had-to-work-all-day-pissiness. Ahh good to write this lists now and again. I'm sure I've forgotten a ton, but Dev's back so relaxation time begins. Have a great rest of your week my friends. bugzy |
| Okay this will be quick - but had to share. So, ahem.... yup I got a leeetle feisty when our funding proposal was reduced from $20,000 to $6,000 - who wouldn't. I felt I proceeded in a professional manner; telling the funder we were not happy, then advising them that we would be launching an appeal. Our contact said that had never been done and he didn't want to focus on the 'negative'. Umm yah whatever - so I said it was not negative but that the community wanted to stand behind us and rally for support and try to get more money. Yah well okay, so I happened to speak out about it rather passionately at a Community meeting and the newspaper was there. So they interviewed me and then gosh I kinda told the local TV dudes too... oops. Me bad! Well, I received a phone call from the funder big cheese boss today ... and let's just say, I got my hiney slapped big time and it wasn't the fun kinda slap either! I was accused of being 'mad' at them and going to the papers to make them look bad. HmmmmWell the paper did approach me and gosh, I kinda didn't keep my mouth shut so if they look bad, was that my doing? Or... were they just caught looking bad, so now I'm bad cause I ummmm didn't defend them? Well anyway, I kept my cool and by the end of the call we were joking and I agreed to call the paper and try to cool them off their hot heels and even agreed to go stand in the corner BUT a few things happened... the paper hadn't run the story because the funder hadn't provided the information on why our funding was reduced, so the paper agreed to run the article on Saturday (little phewf) but the paper is NOT backing down ... nope.. I believe the paper dude is not going to unbiased ... he called the funders "Nazis' ... but hey, that's not my call.AND the funder mysteriously came up with another $4000... coincidence?? They said that decision was made PRIOR to knowing about my 'chat' with the paper and she was insinuating that they were not going to give it to us cause we were bad! BUT I think that money came as a direct result of my saying we were going to appeal... but regardless... heehee... it was a small victory. When the TV dudes called today (they are still interviewing me Tuesday) I asked to change the slant slightly ... and they agreed. So it won't be a funder-bash, but more of plea for more support in general as this one funder shouldn't have to shoulder so much when it's obviously a hot topic now and funds are getting scarce all over - so cough up you other dudes! We'll see how that turns out. Another coincidence - I was interviewed from the same newspaper at our fundraiser last month, and didnt think anything of it at the time... I had to answer a bunch of silly questions - like my favorite movie, my biggest fear etc and I was cuckoo rushing around and my hair was messy !!! YIkes... but today my pic and blurb were in the paper I think they put it in because the article about me bitching didn't run today... oh lordy. I can hardly stand all the publicity  HAH!So although I got in a bit of shit today and did a bit of back peddling, I still feel there was a small step for mankind today.. yeah for the little guy! Okay enough of that nonsense... my one page article for another newspaper has now turned into a 3 pager!!! So I'm trying not to freak out!! Gak!! Back to work I go..... *waves bye from under a pile of paper!!* bugz |
| Thanks again to all your supportive comments and wisdom. Of course little Missy and I chatted and although it wasn't the most interactive ... read: I talked, she tolerated me... it was okay. I think I was clear - I talked about trust and making choices and her finding her own way now. She really didn't say too much, but there were a couple of things that let me know all was right in our world. She crawled into my bed with her jello cup that she also bought last night.. sigh....(does she know what's in that!?!!.. okay shut up bugzy!! ).. and just wanted to hang out for a bit. Then she wanted me to get her a drink of water Always a good sign that things are okay. Then she asked me to buy her booze for this weekend Sheesh.. sigh... oh lordy. I think I managed to talk her out of that ... I'll spare you my rationale... but I think it worked.One friend (off WDC - can you imagine?) who's raised like a zillion foster kids said to me, "We raise them to be independent, then get pissy when they do what we've taught them." That was bang on ... so yah. I did a bit of letting go and Dev did a bit of a readjust - so it's all good. Anyway - onwards and upwards. Hitting the work road hard this week ... * had my interview with the newspaper today for our appeal and that went super duper. * meeting with Mr Politician dude tomorrow, so that should be good. * am collected appeal letters like crazy. * almost done my next grant application that's not due til Friday.. wowza! * our Katimavik gal, Risse, is like a little tornado, so she's gunna be just great and things are hopping. * I have a late night tomorrow presenting my 'beg-for-money', I mean request for funding assistance from the Lions tomorrow night, so in the AM, I am gunna play hooky for a couple of hours to go hang with my new friend (heehee) So all in all, should be a super duper day. Thank goodness things have a way of changing in a few hours eh? Helps us get through those tough times, knowing things work out - they always do. Have a great day everyone and thanks again.... you guys really do rock! bugz |
| I had a great week and weekend for the most part. Friday was crazy at work but exciting too. I have a Katimavik student starting tomorrow at work - it's a government program whereby 12 kids from across Canada spend nine months volunteering at different organizations in three different parts of the country. Our town was chosen as a recipient this year, and I had applied way back when, so we were lucky enough to get one. It was kinda funny - Friday morning the group came to tour the office and then we had a lunch meet and interview. So we had a chance to chat to all the kids and then see if there was a 'fit.' One gal came right up to me at lunch and said, "Sit beside me, I want to work with YOU." It was pretty hilarious. We went through the next two hour process doing the whole interviews etc and at the end when the Partners all sat around and said who they wanted, I just said, "Ummmm I think I have been chosen, so I think I don't really have a choice." haha. The organizer dude had written her name down beside me too before I even said that - so long story short, cutie little Risse from Brantford Ontario will be starting tomorrow. And boy oh boy, she's excited! haha.. should be good fun. A few other things happened last week which were pretty .... cool. During a Official Community Planning meeting put on by the municipality, I had an opportunity to speak about the cut to our funding by the local health authority. Then again at the lunch on Friday, our Member of Parliament and another politician dude were there schmoozing (we are also in the midst of elections here - only difference... ours take TWO WEEKS - not ummmm two years like our silly neighbours ) and so of course, I .. ahem... took the opportunity to talk funding and they are both going to write letters of appeal ... which btw... the funder has agreed to consider... yipppeeeee.... and one of them is coming to my office on Tuesday to talk further... heehee And the newspaper was there at the OCP meeting and called me and is going to write a story about it too.... heehee So fingers crossed - the funder originally said they had never had anyone appeal a funding cut before - yah but I say, they've never had to deal with someone like me before either haha... on Friday they wrote and said they will consider our appeal... even if it's not accepted, I feel good that at least we are going to make them think about it.... so there  So a few small victories last week, so this week will be fun... I'm sure. Friday night was great - had a super duper good time with a new ... ahem friend. As some of you already guessed cause I'm such a lousy secret keeper and think I'm so damn smart with my elusiveness which turns out wasn't so elusive . Anyway, not sure where any of that is headed, but I'm enjoying the attention and the lightheartedness of it all... so we'll see.Saturday I was a totally slug. I think I watched four movies and had a nap and snuggled under blankies while we had a raging wind and rain storm. But I didn't care. I just love my little home, even though I had to go out and prevent some plants from going for a swim. Today I finally relented and went to hang out with the ole Step monster for my belated bday. Which I love btw... I had a few late wishes .. oh and a costumicon from fleckgirl.. thanks sis!! Anyway I took Devann and her ole friend Susan and we went up and had lunch and saw the movie Ghost Town - that was pretty hilarious. We stopped and did a bit of clothes shopping and overall had lots of laughs, fun and it was a great day all in all. Then... sigh.. things took a turn. Dev wanted to stop at the store for buns for sandwiches for lunches. I wasn't so keen, we had just been shopping the other day and had bread, but I said okay fine. I waited outside in the car with Darla, thinking she would only be 5 mins. Well over 30 mins later she appears with a big bag of stuff and I can see a Subway Sandwich bag in there, as she shoves it into the car. The funny thing was too, she was playing with the lights in the car and had turned out the inside light.... which I thought nothing of at the time. When we arrived home, and we were unloading the bags, I said to her, why was the inside light turned off, I couldn't see my bag etc. But I still didn't think much of it, then I started to walk toward home. I stopped and waited and she took forever to get her stuff from the car. We got home, she dumped her coat upstairs on her landing along with her purse.. which was weird cause she usually hangs them up by the front door. Then she put her grocery bag on the counter and went to the washroom. I just glanced at the grocery bag and noticed the Subway bag wasnt there. I knew it then that she had hidden the sandwich in her coat. Sigh. Then I looked into the bag and saw antiperspirant. Sigh. I have a couple of strict rules ... no regular toothpaste with fluoride, and no regular antiperspirant with aluminum. I consider both poisons, rightly or wrongly. But we've talked this over like a zillion times and she knows how I feel about both. I have caught her a few times with that crap and every time I've kept my cool but explained again about my feelings. It's not so much about the fuckin sandwich or the stupid antiperspirant, it is about the hiding of them. I have caught her lying a couple of times since she started school and it has just been heart breaking. We've talked about it and I thought we were okay again. Distrust is an evil, insidious thing that I cannot live with. And I won't live with it. Whenever I have had distrust creep into a relationship, it has always been the demise. I won't let that happen between Devann and I - this is too important. Yet, I see it happening and I'm just so...heartbroken. I have had a few tears, talked to a couple of folks, who have offered good suggestions on what to do, but so far I have just been pouting in my room and haven't gone to deal with it yet. I feel like a coward, but I just don't even want to. I really and truly, in my heart, hope this isn't the start of something greater. I'm just so unbelievable sad. For a weekend that started out so amazing, I just don't feel like ending it this way. sigh Sometimes it's just the smallest things that can just affect me so. I hate to end this blog on such a note, when really I have so many other amazing things that have been happening - that I think is one reason I'm so sad. I feel when this sort of thing happens, it just overshadows the better stuff. Well, perhaps I'll go up and chat to her before I go to sleep. I honestly don't feel like I can sleep well otherwise at this point. I'll keep you posted and come back with a ps later perhaps. Otherwise - it will be a super crazy week coming up. Four articles to write, a funding battle to lead, another funding proposal to write by Friday, the new gal to train and babysit and about six meetings... so I probably won't be around much. And if you do see me - tell me to get back to work!! Have a great week all and thanks again for a fabulous birthday!! bugzy |
| This is my second birthday I have been fortunate enough to celebrate with all my friends on WDC. I can't imagine a better place to spend a birthday than on here !! But gosh - where do I start? It's an amazing feeling to log in and get cnotes and merit badges and funky siggies in my blog and more ecards and gps and an awardicon for my whiney dark poetry folder!!!.....wow... it just goes on and on ... sigh Ohhhh and Barbara even sang me my very own birthday song.... http://www.singsnap.com/snap/r/b6a29833 hows that??? Is that cool or what??? I just LOVE you guys!!! I got flowers today, taken to an amazing new Greek Restaurant ... I know .... MY hick town has a GREEK restaurant ... hallllalluya!! It was super delish. And I have a double chocolate turtle cheesecake dont tell anyea in my fridge cause we're still tooooo full to eat it! I got lots of notes on that damn facebook - but that was fun as those are mostly my ole chums from Ontario - so that was super nice. A few friends called which is always a surprise. And my son called from Korea - he rocks.. gosh I love that guy! AND even my mom called. Haven't talked to her since May. I love birthdays (can you tell) Not for the prezzies.. although I LOVE prezzies - but more because it gives you a nudge to connect with someone that perhaps you've been out of touch for awhile. It makes it easier to just say.. oops, sorry it's been awhile.. you don't even have to do that - you just can connect and its all good. So today for me was about connecting. And that was the best part of my day. Thank you again so much for all your kindness, love and support. This really is my 'home' and I love it here, bunnies and all. Blessings to you all. bugzy |
| I lay on my back, following the deep, soothing words that encourage me gently to relax. I close my eyes and take long, full breaths and will myself to just let myself go and sink down. I focus on the words I hear: soft, beckoning, calling me away from myself. I concentrate on every touch, every fingertip being pressing into my skin. Gently at first, pressure is applied to spots over my face, my neck, my shoulders. Subtle, but firm. I try not to wince as tiny shots of pain reverberate as parts of me are discovered that had been rendered numb, hidden. I bring all my awareness to every sensation – I breath deeply focusing on the pain, breathing it in, then releasing it; letting it go, surrendering. Warm words drape over me, soothing my soul as my mind drifts away. In my thoughts, a black and white patterned blanket wraps around my body like a cocoon. I feel myself fold inside it, protected, safe, secure. That image fades away as the words encourage me to bring in blue light and release red – taking my stress away. I focus, find the colours hidden away in my closed mind until I can 'see' them. I sense the stress leaving my body with every breath. I feel lighter, floating, almost surreal. Exploring fingers press into my skin deeper, temples, forehead, neck – pain returns. I breathe again, focus, breath, release, relax. I repeat this ritual again and again – focusing. Relax, let go, surrender, trust. I feel the weight of my head, cradled in two strong hands. I will myself to let go, I resist. I sense the rigidity – the holding back. I try again, I still hold on. Words encourage me, “Bring your awareness to your feet. Wiggle your toes.” Abruptly my thoughts shift. I feel my toes where before I’d felt nothingness. I tell them to wiggle, they disobey. I feel odd. Why had I not felt my toes before? Bring my awareness up my body, I realize I’d lost connection with my whole body except my head and my hands and my shoulders. The rest of me was there – but not. I breathe. Focus. Let go again. Each time a level of deeper relaxation takes over. My whole body sinks down, lower, lower. Meditative, soft words, whispering to relax more. I see a light. White, crystaly. Like a tunnel. It shines up over me. Straight up. Like an hourglass it extends as far as my mind’s eye can see and hovers over my belly. I watch, waiting, breathing. A shadowy figure appears in the center – I can’t see the image but I sense the presence. It’s my sister. It’s powerful. Almost overwhelming. A feel a rush of warmth throughout my whole being – my soul. An incredible, almost indescribable feeling of joy invades me completely. I smile. Tears of joy slide out from my closed eyes and trickle down the sides of my face. I’m overwhelmed, I’m consumed with bliss and love. I feel safe, loved, cherished. I feel a connection back to her. She’s sending me everything – everything positive and beautiful and peaceful. It’s all okay, she reminds me.. Let go, let god. Trust, surrender. I’m in awe. |
| I have had the MOST incredible last few days EVER! Starting with a brutal hot yoga class on Friday, (that almost killed me but that's a whole nuther story! to getting an amazing hypno-therapy/massage session, to getting my dock FIXED!, , sunshine, laughter, friends, fun, joy, bliss, canoeing, and wow ... and wow!I want to write more about my session - it was completely mind blowing!! It took me right back to when my sister died and it was an incredible experience that I am not even sure if I can put to words - but I felt such inner peace and joy that I have not felt since that day.... unbelievable! But I cant write it now .. I'm exhausted and have an article to finish tonight. I will try to write it tomorrow though... I need to get this down before I forget! But I didnt want to let one day go by without thanking .... Gabriella and the Rising Stars for upgrading my membership which was coming due .. again! Skister upgraded me last time and gosh, without whining or going little or anything, these angels just upgraded me again. I just can't express my gratitude enough.... wow! windsofchange and Ski -ster for the two merit badges. You guys TOTALLY rock! Gosh, no wonder I'm such a damn whiner, cause every time I do, look what kinda stuff happens! Just like a spoiled brat I am! heeheeand... kittiara for 5000 gps for a thingy I participated in last November that I totally forgot about, and I guess she totally forgot about or something.. but that was totally cool to get today too! Wow.... *shakes head*... energy follows thought eh Fleck? Keep those thoughts happy folks... miracles can happen - and do all the time! bugzy |
| This is a 'blow my own horn" blog. Has to be done. Since starting at this contract 'job' last December, I have put a lot of effort and time and my creativity here. And although I was hired officially last week, there is very little in the way of feedback from anyone except one gal on the board. Everyone's ego has to be stroked occasionally and gosh golly, mine is no exception. So since I ain't getting much here - I'm going to my favorite place... WDC! It's a bit complicated but originally I was hired as part of a government funded program. That expired last week. For about 6 months, I have been saying to the folks here, we need to get going and submit another proposal so that when this one ends, we have another one starting right behind it. All I kept hearing was, no it's so much work, it takes so long, we don't have time yadayadayada.... So last week I went by the government office and just asked the question - Can I please have the necessary paperwork to apply for a new program? a) not having a clue how to do it, and b) not having a clue what program we could even offer. The dude there was not going to talk to me - in typical government employee fashion, he said he couldn't talk to me as I was still a recipient of this program. So I just stood up and said, "Fine I will be back on Monday when my contract is over .. in two days!" grrr and so he relented and said, okay, okay, I'll talk to you off the record. Long story short, by yesterday I had drafted up a whole new proposal, including the letter of intent and a comprehensive budget for $50,000 in funding. I want to run a Environment Conference next June 2009. I already lined up one amazing speaker - Chris Turner, author of "Geography of Hope" go read it if you haven't yet - it's brilliant. So anyway, today we received an email saying our letter of intent has been accepted and we are to proceed with the formal application. If approved, we will be able to start the project December 1st. uhuh. yah Took like hmmmm let's say maybe one full day's work so far and probably one or two more days to crank out the full proposal and budget. yup So let's go back a bit too. I totally organized the fundraiser in June - net $1,100 and with some other volunteers for sure, but I did the total overall management of the last fundraiser - net $2,200. I've driven a lot of other initiatives and come up with ideas that others take on and there's never a mention that it was my idea. Others here have no problem blowing their own horn - in fact flowers were delivered to the office today for someone else because at a meeting last night there was all sorts of talk of how hard they have worked and are going to enjoy taking a few months off... hmmm. I'm not jealous - I've gotten flowers before - it's more about recognition falling where it should Okay it IS all about ego... But it's super good news for us and if I hadn't stepped up, perhaps someone else would have. Nah... I doubt it Okay back to work here.. just had to share bugz |
| Oh I have loads of excuses on why I haven't blogged - wanna hear a few? Nah ... nothing you haven't heard before: tired, stressed, depressed, blahblahblah. So the best cure - just get back to it. Where was I? Oh yah - Step Four... I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself. Well lately I can honestly say I have been in 'reaction' mode. I have been allowing 'others to affect me. So I'm going to have to take a step back and see how my actions are affecting others.. or is it effecting - gosh I always get those mixed up. I see how my sour moods as of late affect Devann for sure. She's been quite a happy buzzer lately coming home from school and some days by the time I pick her up, I am in such a foul mode, it's all I can do to keep the car on the road, get home and throw myself on my bed. The situation with my brother hit an all time high crisis mode last week and it just completely threw me off balance. This weekend, I just gave myself the time to hermit, stay under my covers, watch endless crappy movies, eat M&Ms and NOT work. Dev had a friend over for part of the weekend, so that gave me a reprieve from having to be social as they just did their own thing. Today I went for a two hour hike, then an hour canoe ride to try to get myself back in balance ... it worked for a bit, until Darla barfed like 5 times all over my room... sigh  So this step is about taking a step back, again, more of the same - if I I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always got...... again and again and again - this comes back to me. And damn I am trying to do things differently - I try different approaches lately. I pull back, I don't get all pushy and manipulative, I let go again and again and again...sigh. This step is also about facing reality, NOT getting defensive and removing blame and shame.... ok. Blame .. I do that. I blame me, I blame others, I blame circumstances, even the frickking weather... okay the weather WAS to blame today - I spent hours puttering in my garden today, harvesting the last of my tomatoes, and peppers and cleaning up all the wilted plants for compost and planted ice pansies everywhere - they looked beautiful. I swear to God, not 2 minutes after I was done and just sweeping up the soil around, it started to pour rain. I dashed inside and within seconds we had golf ball size hail  All my poor little pansies got iced all right - I'm just hoping for a sunny day tomorrow and maybe they'll perk back up!So this week, I'm going to watch my actions and observe the effect on others. If I see effects that are not positive, I'm going to work on changing that. The last thing I need to be doing is making others react negatively because of my doing. In other news - just as a recap. We had a huge fundraiser last weekend which was a tremendous success in every aspect except raising $ We had good attendance, not as much as we'd hoped, the exhibitors were happy, the weather was stunning, the music and food was incredible and the whole day just went amazingly well. We only raised $2000.00 unfortunately but we got great press from it, and lots of networking and some good connections happened as a result. So I'm trying to see the longer term benefits rather than just focusing on the monetary aspect.And anti-climatic as it was, I finally was hired full time as the Executive Director at the board meeting last Thursday. It's been a long, winding road and it's not really as celebratory as I had hoped. There is only enough $ to pay me for maybe one more month. So these next few weeks, I'll be going flat out, trying to raise some money. But it's a start and somehow deep down, I'm not worried .. not sure why not, but I think things will come together somehow. Well, that's it for now. Lots of other nonsense, but I want to get one more crap movie in before my weekend is over and it's back to 6am wake up call... bleckkkk. I'm hoping to start off this upcoming week with a renewed sense of 'go-getter'. I'll let you know how I do. Hoping you all have a wonderful week. Thanks for all your love and support and even a POEM from Skister to get me to blog again. You guys are the greatest! bugzy |
| I've been too overwhelmed the last couple days to think of blogging, steps etcetc, but I think if I don't restart, there will be a long lull, and I was kinda on a roll. So here is step three.... I shift my focus, from being fixated on my problems, to seeking a sense of wholeness and contentment in my life. Okay, I was all whiney earlier about being too overwhelmed and then I read this! I didn't read this step before right this second when I just typed it in here! Too funny! So - let's see how appropriate this damn step is ! *shakes head*hmmmmm... okay, so still in a letting go phase, and trying a different approach to solving life's snags ... I've done a bit of work around that. Writing a few notes, even if I don't send, it's still about letting go and becoming more clear. Closing doors that need to be closed, as gently and lovingly as possible. Even if just in my mind and heart. Feels good, albeit a bit sad, but good. So now, it says this step is a 'leap of faith'.. I'm pretty good at that leaping stuff, so far so good. You gotta let go of the 'solution' you think have ... seems sorta simple, maybe not. Reading on..... Watch for tightening up, knee jerk reactions - be more aware of other choices that can be made... little by little you realize you have more options, you're becoming expanded and broaden your sense of who you are.... okay.. hope my butt doesn't expand anymore, I didn't do yoga tonight - shoulda blahblah but yah, didn't ... working working. But not going to complain ! Maybe I'll just fixate on my whole ass! okay that makes no sense.. I'm punch drunk with lack of sleep. So gunna sleep on this one, seems okay - I think the tougher ones are coming up, but I'm not peaking ahead. Good night all bugzy |
| I totally forgot to blog last night. I was too tired I guess - I don't know. It was a long week and it's going to take awhile to start getting used to getting up so early and not using the night hours to get work done. But anyway, it was good to hang out with Step One for a few days. I'm still working on it - I've been doing a lot of yoga and I'm doing okay for the most part, except when I feel my emotions kicking in... like right now. So I'm going to forge ahead with Step Two and see if I can keep myself in check - today was a rougher day admittedly - but here I go ... I'm willing to let go of my usual ways, in the hope that this will help me see things from a broader perspective. Trust, trust, trust. Today all day when I felt myself sliding into a funk, I just kept repeating, Letting go, letting go, letting go .... I have countless examples of things turning out better than I imagined, even though at the time it wasn't what I thought I wanted. Usually I am super duper attached to things going a certain way, and when they don't, I fall apart. So as I am watching myself, and feeling myself starting to fall apart, I am working on reminding myself, "Oh but remember when you wanted that and didn't get it... then you got that instead, which was better?"...... Bigger perspective.... hmmmm..... not getting stuck in the little stuff of right now, which is probably pretty insignificant in the bigger picture.... sigh .... okay ... guess I'm going to go and let go some more here. bugzy ps.. thanks to the two folks who have gifted me GPs lately pss.. I'm sure sad to see that reikidreamer is gone... sigh... I hope she comes back - gosh that kinda stuff makes me so damn sad - i hate seeing people just disappear without a word.... sigh. |
| I was going to write out step two tonight, but a) I am super dead tired and b) I am wanting to percolate with the results so far of step one. I have just had some amazing and quite astounding things happen to me today. I wrote an email to the two folks I work with/for late last night asking for a meeting today to discuss my immediate 'future' with these clowns as the 17th draws very close. I have worked hard the last few days to just let go and not be all wound up and worried about my next paycheque. I've been just focusing on trusting and remembering that my needs have always been met up until now, so what could possibly be different. But also keeping in mind that the Universe Rewards Action - I thought a meeting would be in order (since it didn't look like anyone else was going to be proactive) So anyway we sat down and I worked out a bare minimum budget to pay the staff and keep the doors open (all current funding ends Sept 24), and tried to put a short term plan in place, give some suggestions of how we could do a few things, how we could allocate the funds from an upcoming fundraiser I have been spearheading (which is cool too btw - i was interviewed by the local paper today AND the local TV station... so I'm getting like 2 minutes of fame on the tube next week.... damn wish I had a TV )... anyway long and short, I think I have bought myself at least another 6 weeks or so, and that will give me time to scope out some more funding sources etc.Overall, I am even less worried that I have been working on being - so I think it's all going to turn out okay. Another thing, I have been really letting go of lately, seems again, to be coming back to me in a much more positive and enlightened way. If you love something, set it free. If it's yours, it will come back to you. This is proven to me, time and time and time again... It's kinda cool to have those opportunities to be reminded of how things work out in the end, without any manipulation on my part. Yup... it was a good day. Can't wait til tomorrow! Ohhhh and i did an interview with a gal today, who runs the local food bank for an article I'm writing for a magazine - gosh.. that was inspiring, I had tears in my eyes several times. I sure love that part of that job. I would love it even more if I could write a book about the stories she has to share.... something like The Food Bank is not the end of the line... people who have had to go there, many have risen above... inspiring stuff. Okay that's it. This getting up before 6am to get little missy to the school bus is really whacking me out... but btw - she is loving her new school! And that too is working out super good for her... more another time. Nite nite all - thank you again so much for all your loving and supportive comments yesterday. bugzy |
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