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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| I found a site that takes the 12 steps and re-words it to be a bit more in line with the addictions I'm dealing with. http://www.proactivechange.com/12steps/and/12stepsworkbook.pdf Here is step one: I realize I'm stuck: It makes no sense to keep trying to solve my problems with 'solutions' that aren't working. Okay.. I am getting this. This is what I have done before.... I get in a funk about something, someone, a situation, a problem, whatever and how do I handle it? I go get distracted. I do something that distracts me from dealing with or really resolving the issue. I just go get busy and it's not usually something supportive or positive, it's usually something destructive. Okay so this step one makes sense. When I'm 'stuck' in a situation that is not doing me any good, instead of going straight into distraction, I need to do something different. My monkey mind needs to keep busy though, otherwise, I will go nutso trying to over process every minute detail of the problem. So I'm going to get busy, but instead of doing something that is destructive, I am going to do something more positive. For four days now I have been doing yoga and then right after, hoping into my canoe. Tonight, for the very first time ever, I actually even did yoga on my dock... it was magical. I can't believe I have never done that before. The sun was brilliant and hot, the dock was actually not too hard at all, the ocean was magnificent, and it was an inspiring and one of the best yoga sessions I've done in I don't know how long - I didn't want it to end and even repeated Sun Salutation at the end.... sigh... bliss. So... okay. Not sure if I'm doing this thing right, but I feel a bit better even just writing this. So far... so good. Onwards and upwards. And thank you for all your loving support.  bugzy |
| So today, I claim my dry date. September 2nd, 2008. (well 3rd for some folks, so then I can celebrate twice) This is not in any way meant to denigrate anyone who is or has claimed this sort of date for their own addictions, but in fact, I am 'borrowing' this philosophy/life path/mantra/program/etc and 'revamping' it a bit to help me with my 'addictions'... and trust me there are several. I need to claim this date. I need to stop some/all (?) of my destructive behaviours, as they continue to not serve me, cause me pain and heartache, and generally make me live a life that is not as honouring to myself as I want it to be. I can't even say much more than this right now. I am not even sure exactly which behaviours I'm going to give up, but I need to start somewhere, so this is it. One that I'm going to let go of will be to stop blindly trusting. I like that I trust people so implicitly, but I really need to be more cautious. People lie and I need to remember that. I'm like a child soaking up every word that comes my way, and it's not serving me to do that anymore. I need to be a grown up now and listen carefully and with discernment. I am sure there will be a better way of phrasing these things, but I'll figure that out as I go. Let's see if I can kick around a few more things I gotta let go of or just stop doing, just for fun.... hmm.... fear doubt self sabotage stop attracting the wrong types of folks into my life..it's about my own self esteem and self worth. When I am really in my knowing and standing strong, that is what I attract - so yah, time to stand the hell up here.... I find when I stay in my higher self, my knowing self, I'm okay for the most part; I falter when my emotional self kicks in. I must remember something I learned long ago - I am not my emotions. Thanks to Eric Wharton  for the link, I am going to work through the 12 steps online and keep track of my progress in here.So bare with me as I take my next step in my journey. I am one step closer, I know it. bugzy |
| Let Go and Let God This keeps coming back to me again and again and again and again. So today, that is all I have. And I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth. Tomorrow.....who knows. |
| If there is one constant in my life, it's to be continually reminded to live in the moment and not fear, worry about, or try to control tomorrow. That's what I have been trying (again...sigh) to do lately. Not so successfully most of the time, I must admit - but here is what I know 'today': * I know I have a roof over my head today. * I know I have food in my fridge and I am not hungry. * I know I have gas in my car, and it started ... today. * I know I have a great relationship with my kids: they are happy, healthy, an inspiration to me, and I'm proud of them. * I know I am loved by special people and I love them. * I know when I don't do yoga for a VERY long time and I do it, for a very long time ... that even if I know nothing about tomorrow, I KNOW I will be sore. * I know that my body is forgiving. * I know that years ago when I thought I was out of shape because couldn't do full cobra pose for longer than 4.5 seconds, or get my belly to touch my thighs, that now I realize, I had NO clue then how great a shape I was in... and I know now just how out of shape I am! * I know that today I have work, lots of work, and I won't even think about Sept 17 when I'll be out of work ... today I have work. * I know every day is just a serious of choices and that today I will make the choices that I feel are right ... tomorrow I may change my mind. * I know today that I've changed my mind of a few things I thought of yesterday. * I know that today I blogged ... tomorrow ... who knows. Have a good week all. Make good choices. bugzy |
Seems I've been sent to the back of the class with the bad kids. All those potty words earned me a GC  And one of these: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Thanks Anyea Well no potty words today ... but I do have the end-all cure for what ails yah which I will share free of charge.... TOASTED TOMATO SANDWICHES Go make yourself one... you'll see bugzy |
Well ok maybe not FULL of swear words, thanks to fleckgirl who just got to listen to several hundred of them on the phone! Thanks sis !!!  But I tell yah, that was my blog goal for tonight... to see how many times I could possibly swear til the page blew up. I am so fucking tired tonight on every level and it just amazing me that a mere ...ohhh.. hmmm... four days ago I was feeling completely blissed out and now I am about ready to blow up something! I was so angry earlier I am surprised that I didn't crash my car... when I am angry I drive angry... which translates into ... super fast with the music blaring so loud, I actually thought... gosh if I crash my car with the music playing so loud it will probably give me a headache even if I am unconscious. I have to ask myself how life gets so screwed up. I did some serious thinking, after I quit saying fuck fuck fuck.... I wonder if it is something inside of me that still feels unworthy... that there is something inside of me that says I deserve to be treated like shit. My whole life I have attracted people who treat me like shit, whether it's in a relationship or at work... it doesn't matter... I get treated like shit again and again. Well tonight I have had enough. The folks at work are trying to fuck me over again and even as I write this and I KNOW I am sounding like the victim here , I don't care, I've had enough. I need to clean the slate in a lot of areas of my life. Everything is fucked up.. my house, my car, my finances, my job, my writing (I am so fucking behind, I'll never catch up and one of my editors hated my last article!  ) ... and so on and so on....I am so fucking overwhelming in everything, I am running around doing a shit job on everything. I think I need a total shift and the only things I have control over are my own thoughts and my own actions. I am in control of nothing else... not even for a second. So I am just fucking saying no to anything and anyone who treats me like shit or who does not honour me in the way I deserve to be honoured. End of fucking story. So there... okay rant over, back to fucking work I go....sigh piss tomorrow I clean the slate look out bugzy |
| Home safe and sound. Too tired to write a whole super duper blog about my little vacation, but I'll give you a few moments of bliss that I experienced over these last few days: * laying on the slightly submerged dock, the bottom half of my body in the cool lake water, the top half on the warm dock, my head on my hands, the sun warming me right down into my soul, the water lapping gently over me, looking at the blue sky, the gorgeous mountains, the gentle surroundings of my immediate world ... it was one of those, "I could have died at that exact moment a truly happy person." * one night, looking over at Devann sleeping in the bed next to mine, with her hand on the side of head, her elbow in the air and an angelic smile on her face, I felt an overwhelming sense of love and compassion. * watching the full moon, a bright, brilliant orange, climb up over the mountain and cast its shimmering sliver reflection on the still waters of the lake .... breathtaking. * staying up until ridiculously late, playing card games, drinking beer, and laughing til my face hurt ... joyfully, freeing, child-like, and life-affirming. * doing cannon balls off the boat, splashing Devann rambunctiously, tipping her off her sail board, listening to her laughter, joining in and laughing harder ... super fun. * floating in the water with my eyes closed and just allowing the waves to move me freely ... surrendering. * sitting for hours, doing nothing but talking, listening, laughing, relaxing, de-stressing, not thinking of work, not even opening my computer, not worrying, living in the moment of fun, joy, and silliness .... a gift * having once again been given the opportunity to experience gratitude ... sigh. * to learn a little bit more about myself; to take feedback that I didn't necessary want or expect and look at it, allow myself to see through the eyes of others, not stay in defense mode, listen, and learn ... a good thing. * having moments of self-doubt, anxiety, incredible sadness, worry, and judgement, and then stepping into trust and letting go .... freedom. * then still deciding ... I am a good person. I don't always do the right thing, or act in the best possible way, but I'm happy about who I am, how I am, and I'm proud of myself and my ability to keep striving to be better, to keep challenging myself to be open, to keeping working at letting go of expectations, and no matter what .... to keep loving others. Quite an amazing few days. I'll tell more and share a few pics (even though I forgot to take any pictures til the last day when it got cloudy!!) Now I'm off to zzzz before I start thinking of all the work I have to do starting as soon as I wake up. I'll catch up on blogs soon. I hope you all had a great weekend and a good week! bugzy |
| Heading out tomorrow right after work to the Lake. My neighbour was laughing at me saying, you're leaving the ocean to go to the lake? Yah but I think the beer might taste different on a different dock with a different view - dunno. I'll let you know. Dev told me I couldn't bring my laptop... silly girl. I will bring it (might slide in a few hours work, might not) but I don't think there will be internet! Gosh can you imagine anything so ridiculous???? So looks like we won't be back til late Monday night. We will try to go see Andrea who is in a hospital about another 2 hours in the other direction. She's not doing so great and this might be the last time I can visit for awhile. Sorry I haven't been around commenting much. Perhaps life will settle soon.....  Have a great weekend all! bugzy |
| I had an assignment to write an article on a man who had written a book. He had an incredible life, so my editor wanted me to interview him. I had so many assignments in July, that I put his last on the list as it wasn't due until August 5th. By the time I called him to set up the interview - he had died. To make a long story short, I wrote the article based on an interview I did with his sister. I hope it turns out okay - I think although the focus changed slightly, her story is equally compelling. They were both abandoned by their mother (as were 4 of their other 7 siblings) in England during the first world war. The story now is mostly about the sister spending her whole life searching for her family. She found her brother in 1990 and they ended up living together for the last 16 years here on the island. It's a powerful life story - very inspiring and heartwrenching (or heart-wrenching as Fleck would say) Anyway, of course I couldn't get pictures and his sister, bless her heart, couldn't get her scanner to work etc. So tonight, I ended up talking to their publisher (they both have written books) and he said he would send me a few pictures he had of the two of them together at the brother's book signing last month. I just bit the bullet during our conversation and asked him if he was accepting new manuscripts and he said YES!  We ended up chatting for about 20 minutes about my book, my sister's story, the lessons and inspiration I want to share with others, my career as a writer, how I would be willing to go and promote the book blahblahblah... and yup We have a meeting in a few weeks to get together! Yup Can you say OH YAH SISTA!?!?!!? UHUH Yup! heehee Maybe 12 is my lucky number (11 rejects for those who didn't keep track) UHUH! ok.. back to work I go... I have an article to write tonight, and three more next week, then I need to do a REVISION!!!!! WAHOO! heehee bugzy |
| I found this as I was just doing research for an article on orphans - it used to hang on my fridge many years ago - I had forgotten about it. It's a treasure I wanted to share: And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. and he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughter's of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you... You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. ~ Kahlil Gibran The Prophet bugzy |
| I know.. look at that calendar! One lonely blue number 1, and that's it! For a gal who had three blue months in a row, this is quite pathetic. I barely make it around to read blogs either... life had just been crazy beyond belief, but as requested, here is a short recap. * had an amazing long weekend off. Went sailing a bunch of times - it was gorgeous weather. Ate copious amounts of food, drank super way too much beer! Went and hung out with my brother one night and had a blast. I laughed so hard I had beer coming out my nose at one point. Sometimes you just gotta let loose. It was great fun! My brother is okay. He doesnt' talk much, but I think this divorce will be better for him really. * worked like a cuckoo head getting ready to take a few days off, then had to work like a super cuckoohead again when I got back to catch up....grrr * got a bonus from work on Friday which was nice. I had done extra work a few months back, and didnt really expect to see the $ - so phewf that was in the nick of time! * work has been nuts - the day job work I mean. But we had some great news lately. We were one of the organizations who applied to have Katimavik students come to work ( a government program for youth to work around the country and its free for the employers) so in september we will have one, maybe two, free staff. I am excited about that! And we got a call last week that we were approved for the first hoop of a funding grant we applied for which is HUGE. Although we still have another level of approval process to go through, getting past the first hurdle was very good news for us. * It looks like I will finally be getting a raise, if things go to plan. It was a few rough days of negotiating - the other gal I worked with really threw a wrench into things on Wednesday and I almost walked. I stayed awake all night wondering how I was going to sort this out, and in a meeting on Thursday I finally got them to see that my way of sorting out things (too long a story) was way more beneficial for everyone including the company, that they all agreed and so starting mid september my hourly wage will increase by 2.5 times. Thank goodness. I honestly don't know how much longer I could have held out. That will help my life considerably. * Cheezie the cat ran away for a few days. We were quite distraught. We put up signs and gosh we missed him. Then one night, I had just gone to sleep around midnight and I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I was outside and I saw him on top of the canoe, so I grabbed him and had to wrestle him into the house. It was so vivid and physically exerting, I actually woke myself up. I lay in bed thinking about it, quite shook up, when I heard this scratchy kinda noise and lo and behold, Mr Cheezie Fat Pants was on the counter eating his dinner. Sheeesh. Super strange eh? It's been hard keeping him home now - he is a wanderer and spends the nights scratching at the door to get out! Drives me NUTS! * Dev and I have been invited to go away next weekend to Lake Shushwap on the mainland. I really had to consider this carefully. First the $ to drive there and the time away. But I realized Devann has not been away even for a weekend since we moved here and this trip other than gas and the ferry will be free to stay so I just couldn't pass it up. I only had 2 articles due this week coming up so I said okay. Five minutes after I said ok I got an email from an editor asking for 3 more articles!!! Crap... but I just can't afford to say no to any work yet at this point, so not sure how the hell I am going to do it, but I will do my damndest. Dev is so thrilled, that she passed up going to hang at her best friends house and go to the local fair that has been planned for ages! It's an 8 hour drive for us, but we are both looking forward to the road trip! * Andrea - not a good story. I didn't even blog about the last time I saw her because it was so devastating for me. I was only allowed to visit for 30 mins as she was being on suicide watch and restrictions. I have not even spoken to her on the phone, although I try to call every day or at least text her. I have no idea what is going on, then last night she texted me that she was moved back to her home town. The lake we are going to is 2 hours from her, so we are thinking of staying one extra day and try to go see her.... I don't know if that will happen yet. * Devann has been getting emails from her Dad's family. It has been very cool. He has two sisters who have been writing her and she is thrilled to be in contact with her new aunts and has found out she has cousins too. It is very exciting. I had forgotten about them really, I did meet them a few times, but I hadn't thought of them at all. Dev's half sister is having drug problems (sigh) and is in Foster Care - not sure what is happening there. Dev has been writing her....They also live near Andrea, so perhaps a visit will happen next week with them as well.... I don't know yet. * Tomorrow Dev and I are driving up to Courtney to her homeschool school haha, to write her final exams. She is going to regular school next year (sigh) but it's a good idea. She didnt get done her Math or Science, I haven't the time to teach her anymore or spend time with her to nag her, so she will have to repeat Math and Science 10 while she is in grade 11. It will be a bit of a trick, but we are going to work out that she can still homeschool some of the courses so it won't be so difficult doing some 10 and 11 at the same time. I think that will work out ok. She is happy, so that's all good. * today I did two interviews for stories today... one had me in absolute tears. This interview was with the sister of a guy I was supposed to interview but he died! Well the article is supposed to be about him, but her story is so incredible, I don't see how I am not going to make it about her. She had me so spell bound it was amazing. Their mom had 9 children and gave up 6 of them. This was in England during the war. This woman was abandoned at 2 and a half years old and spent from the time she was 19 looking for her family. She is well over 70 now. So she told me about her life, being in a convent and the way she was brought up, beaten and abused and being told she was a nobody because she was an orphan. And that she had no family so she was not important. It's an incredible story of passion and sadness and struggle and finally when she found her one brother, who she didnt even know existed until about 16 years ago, and meeting him.....absolutely incredible. She has been relentless in finding out about everyone in her family. She has also written a book and is doing a revision now. She is going to send me a copy. I was so inspired and touched by her story... I really want to read her book. It will be hard to capture everything she told me today in a short 1200 word article.... really amazing. * so we are up at 530am tomorrow, it will be a long day, so I better get to zzzzzz. It will be a crazy week for sure, but I know next weekend will be fun, so it's worth it. If I am not around much in the next week or so, please don't be annoyed or send me hate mail like SOME people have (no names mentioned.. haha) I will try to catch up in blogs, but no guarantee. Perhaps the week after this one coming up, things will settle down a bit. I hope you are all well. I miss reading about you all and hearing from you. I hope you are enjoying your summer as much as I have been, despite of all the bleckk stuff - life over all is beautiful. I am feeling particularly grateful and blessed for all that I have in my life. Most of all Devann. She has been an absolute joy, especially lately for some reason. Every day I thank God for her. Be happy you all. Talk soon. bugz |
| Sorry for my drop off.. I have been so unbelievably swamped with work and life and work that I just can barely stay on top of anything right now. I decided to totally take this long weekend off from work and now I am seriously regretting it. Sometimes the preparation that is involved in order to escape from it all hardly seems worth it. The plan is/was to escape tomorrow and Saturday sailing. I told Roselle tonight, I just didn't think I could manage it and she just was not going to take no for an answer. Everything she said was completely true about balance in my life blahblahblah. I have been working 12 hour days since forever and I am so exhausted I can barely function. I know I NEED to take a few days off but it's just another damn thing actually doing it. I am working like a maniac right now (ok, not RIGHT now) and hopefully I can get this one article done. That will only leave one more due for Tuesday..... Sunday I am going to go see my brother ( I can probably work a bit there ....) His wife of 12 years has left him...... It's not like it hasn't been in the works for like forever and it's not like we have been talking lately either ... but it was still a shock and I know he is not taking it well. I think a few beers or 12 are in order, so serious kicking back and distraction needs to happen and I am so the gal for the job.I will be offline for a few days, but wanted to pop in and explain my absence. I hope you all have a great weekend and we'll catch up soooooon bugzy |
| Sorry for my drop off.. I have been so unbelievably swamped with work and life and work that I just can barely stay on top of anything right now. I decided to totally take this long weekend off from work and now I am seriously regretting it. Sometimes the preparation that is involved in order to escape from it all hardly seems worth it. The plan is/was to escape tomorrow and Saturday sailing. I told Roselle tonight, I just didn't think I could manage it and she just was not going to take no for an answer. Everything she said was completely true about balance in my life blahblahblah. I have been working 12 hour days since forever and I am so exhausted I can barely function. I know I NEED to take a few days off but it's just another damn thing actually doing it. I am working like a maniac right now (ok, not RIGHT now) and hopefully I can get this one article done. That will only leave one more due for Tuesday..... Sunday I am going to go see my brother ( I can probably work a bit there ....) His wife of 12 years has left him...... It's not like it hasn't been in the works for like forever and it's not like we have been talking lately either ... but it was still a shock and I know he is not taking it well. I think a few beers or 12 are in order, so serious kicking back and distraction needs to happen and I am so the gal for the job.So I will be offline for a few days, but wanted to pop in and explain my absence. I hope you all have a great weekend and we'll catch up soooooon bugzy |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** wahooooooooo!! She can drive!!! |
| Can't talk long... gotta go start the 16 year old's party celebration - well okay it's been going on already for a week - but TODAY is the driver's test day.... fingers crossed!! She's getting a new (to her) spanky cool Volkswagon Convertible, so guess what that means?? I GET a new spanky cool Volkswagon Convertible cause she can't drive alone!! yipppppeeeeeeeee............................ |
| Today I met Andrea. It will be hard to put into words what happened, what she said, how I felt. We talked a lot. Mostly about her life, well and my life with Michael. Her life was worse – by far. I guess he mellowed by the time he met me. She was told a lot of things a young child should never have been told. She was blamed for far too many things than a young child should have been blamed for. She believed all of it – none of if she should have. Breaks my heart. She’s been anorexic since she was 11. Can you imagine? That was when she was diagnosed. There were doctors and therapists and concerned teachers but they were no match for Michael. He was a therapist, her mom a nurse, so he ‘talked’ his way out of getting her treatment. Andrea has been on a bit of quest and has requested files and documentation – many times things like, “They are equipped to deal with this at home,” was sited by the ‘professionals.’ I’m angry. Very, very angry. I want to go back there and … well I don’t know what I would, should or even could do. Nothing I suppose. Four years ago, she returned to Ontario. She knew about Dev and I by that time. She went so far as to go to a Children’s Aid Society and ask them to ‘check’ on Devann. But they wouldn’t. No proof – nothing they could ‘do.’ She said the guilt of not somehow warning us resulted in a lot of therapy sessions. I reiterated ‘again,’ there was nothing she could have done. It was our journey and I would not have listened, even if she had been able to contact me. She told me about the time she almost died. She had ODed on pills, hoping to die – they ‘rescued’ her. She didn’t want to be rescued. She felt at peace for those few moments like she has never felt while ‘living.’ She is not afraid of dying – she is not attached either way – and I believe her. We talked about her lack of control and choices right now. I didn’t get why she kept ripping out her feeding tube … I get it now. She’s 28 years old she says, and if she wants to deny treatment, she feels it is her right. She is being held against her will, getting a treatment she doesn’t want. She says the ‘pain’ of having to endure their treatment to her, is worse than the pain of laying on her kitchen floor unable to move. She had a choice to get to that place – now she has no choice but to endure what they are forcing her to do. She’s says if you have cancer and elect to refuse chemo, that is your choice. Why is this any different? Why is she having to do what they say? She said she was humiliated by her 'privileges' chart - like being able to sit up in a chair for an hour a day. She said she was not a child and she had lost her dignity. Having someone sit with her 24 hours a day, even while she had a bath was just too much. I found myself trying to justify their actions - but feeling the hollowness in my words as I listened to them come out of my mouth. I told her of one of the hugest lessons I learned while taking care of my Dad, then my sister was learning how to take care of others, how they want to be taken care of – not how I wanted to take care of them. As I was saying the words, and looking at her – it dawned on me… okay. I get it. I told her I didn’t want her to die – but that is selfish, pure and simple. Okay.. I get that…. Again. I said to her, obviously she has tried ‘dying’ a few times and she hasn’t done such a shit hot job up until now. So perhaps, it’s just not her time yet. I asked her, do you think there is more work you need to do yet? She wants to finish nursing school – 2 more years, then go to be a doctor 8 more years. She wants to specialize in paediatrics oncology and she wants to return to India, she has been 3 times before. I said no – not things like that, don’t you think you have more to bring to others? She said she thinks she will help more people once she has died. She said a lot of people didn’t get famous until after they died. – “If I can help one person by dying…..” I said no – maybe she had more to do by living. I asked her if she had any idea how much she has helped Devann and I. She really didn’t. She has helped me more than I can tell her. I honestly thought I was crazy – that there was something wrong with me, I mean really wrong with me. She felt she was crazy too. I don’t know where this will go or what will happen. All I know is that I support her 100% in whatever choices she makes for herself. I cannot stand in judgment that she ‘needs’ to eat if she doesn’t want to. It is her life. Her pain. She texted me 5 minutes after I had to leave because it was ‘dinner time’ (not a good time to hang out with anorexics I guess) “I miss u already.” I did too. I think today I was gifted with one more piece of the unconditional love puzzle. How bless-ed am I? bugzy |
| Had a crazy day today - had to work at an outdoor festival, which was sort of fun I guess, but I didn't really want to be there. I got an email from one of my editors as I was behind on an article and a rewrite - so that sent me off and I was upset all day, needing to get home and get back to work. I am never late with articles, and it seems this whole month, I have been behind the eight ball trying to keep up. So dash home, check on the almost 16 years old birthday party, lay down for 15 mins with a tylenol or 2 to try to kill off the headache and then a super dash again to drive two of the girls home and try to make it to the ferry (one of them lives on a small island) Well the usual story, late, stressed, driving too fast - all recipes for ... you guessed - being pulled over by the cops. It was weird - it was a construction zone and this big horking black SUV pulled up and tried to pass when it was obvious we had to go to one lane, I was annoyed and didn't let him in, he passed on the inside lane and Devann shook her finger at him! He zooomed ahead at a zillion miles an hour then on went the lights.... sigh. I figured he was going to pull the dude in front of me, cause he was zipping even faster - but nope he pulled us both over!! The usual followed - drivers license, insurance, blahblahblahblah , did I know the dude in front of me... ummm no. So off he goes, does his check... maybe he saw that I had recently had my car busted into... I don't know. But when he came back, he asked, "What is your favorite ice cream?'" I immediately piped up, "CHOCOLATE." He said, "Not YOU." The girls all said chocolate - so he said, "Okay, the speed you were going should have resulted in a fine of $195!!!!!! But instead of a ticket I am going to make your mom take you to get ice cream. Here is my card (???? a picture of him and his police dog - Greg and Red???) and if your mom speeds again you pull out this card and put it on the dash to remind her. She has one year not to speed and to get you ice cream or I will follow up." End of story. Ummmmm okay. That was absolutely the weirdest police experience I have ever had - well okay, except this one time when I ...... never mind! We talked about it all the way to the ferry, until Devann said, "STOP, it's creeping me out, I don't want to talk about it anymore!" She did say she was going to blog about it - and I said I would too!! haha No clue what that was all about - but I don't care... $195... he could have made me buy them all steak dinners! phewf..but I drove the right speed limit all the way home! clues anyone? bugzy ps.. yes I did stop and buy them ice cream and we still made the ferry |
| Talked to Andrea tonight and got more information. She is there 'against her free will.' There is a term (Fleck knows this) involuntary admission or something. She has refused treatment and they are not going for that - so they are just ignoring all her protests for now. When she was first admitted to the hospital in her hometown, they had to restrain her as she kept pulling out her feeding tube - which in turn, made her freak out as she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from previously dealing with being confined . Since they were unable to deal with her - she was just in a general ward - they transfered her to this hospital in Vancouver to the unit specific designed to deal with folks with Eating Disorders. There are 7 gals in her ward. She is in a private room in critical care. She has someone with her 24 hours a day. They don't trust her to be alone as she keeps ripping out her feeding tube. But the rooms don't look like hospital room she said. And she has access to a therapist and they are on to all her tricks ... and some.We had a long talk about all this. She says removing the tubes is the only thing she can control. She said she has a session set up for tomorrow, I misunderstood - I thought it was to determine how long she had to stay etc - but it was set up because she was going to proceed with taking the doctors etc to court as she was being forced to accept treatment. She decided today to drop the charges. She has decided that would just add to her stress - phewf! I tried to make light of certain things and she was finally agreeing with me (although perhaps that is part of the ploy - I don't know) I said gosh girl, you are shooting yourself in the foot - they will just put the tubes back in and restrain you. That's when she told me what the other hospital had done. I told her I was coming on Sunday - I was going to make it surprise, but thought better of it. Thought she a) might need something to look forward to and b) might need to emotionally prepare herself and c) physically try to get better. Plus I wanted to make sure she was allowed visitors. Up until today she has no 'privileges.' Part of the treatment is to hand out rewards - so if she gains a few pounds etc , she gets to do things. Up until today she has been completely bed-ridden, as they don't want her to expend any energy and she is also wobbley so doesn't walk well anyway. Now she gets to sit up in a chair for one hour and attend one group session a day for an hour. She said she was going to try to be extra good so that maybe I would be allowed to take her outside - there is a roof top patio one floor up and she said she really wants to go outside. So I am hoping this might be enough incentive to be 'good'. We joked about it - being bad. I said we should set a goal to be out of there so she could come visit - I told her she will have to really suck it up... I said you're smart, you can figure this out, play the game, gain the weight, listen to the rules so you can get out earlier. I said, the more you resist the longer they will keep you. It's kind of like talking to a child. She is 28 but she has the voice of such a little girl. It just breaks my heart but I really tried to keep it all light hearted. She found out today she also has a hole in her heart.... She said they are focusing on the pneumonia then they will determine about her heart .. doesn't sound good to me, whichever way you look at it. But for now, she is so excited about Sunday. She said she was going to have to take extra sleeping pills because she is so excited, she won't be able to sleep. I said, get lots of sleep now because she needed to stay awake on Sunday - for now she said she sleeps most of the day. I asked her what the heck was I supposed to bring her as the best part of being in the hospital is people bringing you junk food - candy and chocolate. I was at a loss since food obviously wasn't going to do it for her! She said she likes coffee, that's about it but she can't have anything because of the feeding tube. Anyway - just sorted out getting a neighbour to take Devann to work and picked up on Sunday - not sure about Darla yet. I MAY call my mom and stop by there too - but dunno yet. I haven't seen her since last October and she's not so keen on me visiting it seems, so don't know if I want to add that stress. Does seem a shame to be so close and not at least say hi - will see. Anyway it's Thursday - Andrea has 3 days to have something to look forward to. Glad I'm going. Thanks for all your love and support. bugzy |
| Every hour last night, I kept calling the hospital to talk to Andrea. But every time I called she was always asleep. I ended up asking to talk to her nurse - so we did chat for a few minutes. I told him I didn't know what to expect or even what to say, but I wanted them to know how important it would be for Andrea to come stay with me for a little while at least. He was intrigued that I was offering, but he said in no uncertain terms, "Andrea is not doing well." That shook me up to be sure. I have sort of a half delusional/hopeful thinking mind which tends to down play things when they get serious. Lowers my stress level perhaps, but is probably not a very 'real' way of living. Anyway, all night I lay awake wondering how I could make this happen, or at the very least go to see her. I am not sure exactly how bad she is, as of course her nurse would not say, but he is getting the Doctor to call me - but ... a stroke, pneumonia, and kidney failure, probably less than 80 pounds - all of that doesn't spell happy days ahead. I know in my heart I have to see her. But it comes down to money, which is making me sick to my stomach. How can money dictate going to see someone who is so ...... ? How does that seem fair to anyone? I can't stand that my life has had to become so micro-managed that $150 to go see her has me completely stagnated. So, I am just not going to let it. I have researched different ways to get there and tried to line up obscure bus connections and even considered hitchhiking then I just now said fuck it. I have a super secret, secret, now not so secret tiny stash of money I was saving for that absolute pouring rain day which might just be enough. And I think this is a rainy enough occasion now. I can't let money rule me or my heart. I am going to go on Sunday. I only hope they keep her there til then and don't send her to her home town hospital yet. I have a feeling they'll keep her longer. Yes.... this is a good plan. I feel much better. bugzy ps.. thanks Fleck for the offer and DebiW for the merit badge. You two are stellar |
| So I blogged the other day all hippy happy when I was sailing, all grateful and blessed and all that crap. Then yesterday's blip sent me into a tail spin... whooosh! Lost all gratitude for everything just like that.. zip. When I started blogging, I said for the longest time, this place was better than therapy (which I've had my fair share of during my life so far.) Lately I have been seriously considering some kind of more traditional therapy to help me deal with the crap and my unbelievable mood swings as of late. Then last night at the end of my rope, not seeing any good, I blog and try to withhold all the whining that I really wanted to do. All day long, I kept saying to myself, "Don't be the victim. Don't be the victim. Don't be the victim." When I woke this morning to my inbox - I remembered why I blog. From Skister reminding me of a valuable lesson I had forgotten about perhaps being spared something far worse had I not been 'forced' to stay home from work - to Sultry reminding me that lots of folks are worse off. *smack* But the real lesson for me was someone telling me that perhaps this perceived trauma was something that has aided in healing something else, seemingly unrelated. I have thought of that all day today. That made me totally shift my thinking. Learning how to be grateful in even the moments that at the time, seem way too rough - that's the gift of gratitude. It's damn easy to be all easy peasy when sailing - to remain happy during the rough spots - that's the real deal. Thinking again of what is healing perhaps because of a smashed window in my car, made me want to do what MrsWhatsit said and go back out and smoosh the other window ... .. but then again, maybe not.****** Blog Topic Switch ****** I had a phone conversation with Andrea. She is the gal who used to be my ex's stepdaughter. I've blogged about her before, but she connected with me last year and we've been emailing ever since. Talking and sharing our lives living with an abuser has been very healing for both of us. She says for her.. but right now she is in the hospital in Vancouver on feeding tubes, anti-biotics and other stuff - not sure. She had a downturn. She is anorexic and she told me what happened this time was her schooling was over - she's in university to become a nurse, she got a letter from her estranged dad that her grandma had died, she had an upcoming concert and she was nervous and wanted to lose 5 pounds to feel better she said. Well she went two weeks with NO food. She spent 4 days on the kitchen floor before her landlady found her. They rushed her to emerg and she had a stroke right when she arrived there. sigh. She is now in a special treatment center for now. But she now has pneumonia. She was going to come visit me later this summer as she was supposed to come to Vancouver for a different treatment. She normally lives 8 hours plus a ferry ride away, now she is alot closer .. just the ferry ride. I'm trying to convince her to get them to let her stay there for awhile, instead of going back to her home town hospital where they will probably send her as soon as she can travel. She's not sure what they will do. For now, she is bed ridden. We had a very long talk - first time we have talked on the phone. She tried to explain her 'addiction' but like she says she doesn't understand it either. She is not stupid, she says and knows if she doesn't eat she will die, but it is out of her control. Not eating makes her feel free. She says she is free of pain when she doesn't eat. She says its like a pain killer. Hard to comprehend. I told her, only her and I can understand what it was like to live with Michael and his abusive ways and what it did to us. We both have tried to tell other people, but unless you are right in that situation, you can't understand it. My family doesnt understand it. So I said it was like her problem with not eating. I can sympathize but I can't really understand it. I have no reference point for it. Just eat damn it, is what I would say. But for her it is not that simple. She says she absolutely dreads when she is taken off the feeding tubes because then she will have to eat again. Sigh. I want her to come here. This is one of the most healing places on the planet, I think. It saved me when I left Michael. I want her to come here and find some healing too. She wants to come. I am going to see if I can write her doctors. I hope they let her come. It will be a more healing for us both. We need each other. I have learned a lot this past two hours, talking to this young gal who has mysteriously entered my life. Life is short. I don't want to miss opportunities to be in my loving heart, to love others, to be the best person I can be. To look beyond my ego, to stay centered, to do what is the highest good for all. To let go... to really let go and be open, and honest and ... sigh... just loving - to myself and those around me. bugzy |
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