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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| Okay - so everything happens for a reason right? You've heard me say that again and again.....uhuh.. so IF that is true.. then anyone got anything to say about the reason for this? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I woke to a call from the marina office that my car had been vandalized during the night. Long story short - it sucks. As much as I try *keeps looking around* I am not seeing the everything happens for a reason today except I did want another day off this week and my car (ok other than the blood.. bleeck which I still haven't finished cleaning cause I don't have any chemicals in my house worthy of that job - gotta get some from my neighbour .. she's got tons) is spanky clean cause it took a zillion hours to get out all the glass - that crap flies I'll tell yah. Ummm other than that - hmmmm it was sunny. Ummm... I now have reaffirmation that all insurance is for nothing but scamming ... and ahhhh... ummmm... I did get a day off from work. yup ... gotta get me a boat - the windows are a lot smaller, make less mess when they break anyway. That's all I got for today sigh bugzy |
| It's funny how life is. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own interpretations and perceptions of things, we can forget there is another side. I always try to see both sides and like that about myself that I can usually get there. But it's even nicer when another person can see my side too and then that allows the getting to a place of better understanding and communication. I always say communication is so critical - something I have to consciously work at though as it's so easy for me to slip into non-communication mode. But it's always so uplifting when I can see first hand again, how really deep and meaningful conversation can close gaps, heal wounds, and allow a moving on and through that otherwise wouldn't have happened. I see the true value of honouring one's feelings, speaking the truth, not holding back, and then pressing ahead. I think when I honour my own self, then the honouring of others happens as well. How much happier and lighter I feel these last couple of days. Letting go of attachment to outcome and just being open and honest and allowing to happen what needs to happen, takes off the pressure and things can just flow. It feels good. Not a space I have been in for the most part as of late. I hope it continues. So, within all the rest of my hecticness and insecurity about work and $ and junk, I was lucky enough to go sailing again on Saturday. My neighbour, and new best friend came over to see the new addition, Cheezie - now recently named, Mr King Cheezie Fat Pants (don't ask) and stayed for dinner and then asked, "So, when are we going sailing again?" Sheesh - about time she asked again!  So how could we possibly resist. She's thrilled cause I cook and clean (she is kinda messy) and she provides the boat - sounds like a deal to me. She is still learning how to sail, and a few times, we found ourselves doing a 360 cause we got all messed up when we tried to come about. And one time we were in a channel, going back and forth - or tacking in sailor terms - and we realized we spent 20 mins just to end up right back in the same spot. We only knew that because we had been maneuvering around crab traps - and when we saw them for the second time...  It was truly an amazing day. It's hard to worry about bills and money and jobs and crapola when the salty wind is in your hair, the water is crystal clear, the sun is bursting, and the wisps of clouds are painting pictures in the sky. There is nothing to do for seven hours, nothing. Your mind clears except for looking out for other boats, bringing in the ropes, watching the sails, laughing at the seals at play and the fish jumping, and noticing the rest of life stops. It's peaceful, mesmerizing, meditative, and blissful. It brings me to a place of realizing what is important in life. It has also brought me joy and relaxation and a time of no stress - somewhere I have not been in a very long time. I can let go out there. I realized that I have not allowed myself that much time to not work, since..... seemingly forever. I took a book that I have to write a book review on and thought, at least I can get something done so the day wouldn't be a complete 'waste' but I couldn't focus. I'd read a paragraph, then the hypnotic wave of the sail would catch my eye, and I would have to put the book down. Yes... I lived in the moment and let all the other stuff go. Good to do. I feel blessed to have the opportunity. I'm grateful. It's good. So without further adieu - here's a few pics - then it's off to sleep for me. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The Sailor Girls - okay I DID have my lifejacket on at one point but it wrecks havoc on the tan lines ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Darla's the pro sailor dog now! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** What's there to do? Not much! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ahh heading home - what a sight! Have a great week  bugzy ps - who wants me to sell my float house and buy a boat so you all can come sailing - let's see a show of hands  |
| Well up until today, this has been a girl's rule house only!!! Now look who's arrived!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** A CAT!!!!. and a BOY CAT at that!!.. Well I guess you figured that out. We are in phase three of the "Getting Darla To Quit Barking When We Are At Work" experiment. * We've tried the citronella collar - got rid of the mosquitoes, but did zip to zip up her yappy mouth. * We've tried the shock collar - guess that just gave Darla a buzz * So now it's a friend! So far.. well...hmmmmm.. jury's out. Darla tries to play and sniff Cheezie's (yup came named that way) butt and Cheezie is tollerating it so far. Darla barks and tries to play and bounce and Cheezie rolls over and then swats Darla with his paw. Darla follows Cheezie under the couch and gets stuck and Cheezie laughs. (ok I probably made that up). Darla likes to eat the litter box stuff and Cheezie ummmm... yup uses it. Darla follows Cheezie everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE and Cheezie just turns and looks at Darla as if to say... and... Well Cheezie is on loan from Dev's work. He's been at the animal shelter for 6 months and not going to be adopted anytime soon, so this is a nice break for the dude. And okay.. I'm not going to admit it yet - but he's pretty darn cute Time will tell - but if any boy germs get on me... he's OUTTA HERE!! cheers bugzy |
| For windsofchange You don't always have to believe everything you think read that on a bumper sticker just now... all I can say is thank god! bugzy |
| Well admist all my pissiness as of late, I did manage to get out and have a super good couple of days last weekend. My neighbour Roselle has a sailboat but doesn't like to go out on it alone and is currently single ... so one thing led to another and she invited Dev and Darla and I out for a sail! It was... amazing!!!!! I totally relaxed, thought about NOTHING and was pleasantly surprised to find my ole sea legs were not that worn out. I got to 'drive' most of the time and got right back into 'coming about' and we only had one casualty on one tack when the shower water bag got tangled in the ropes and got thrown over board I considered diving in after it, but had immediate second thoughts.So without any further adieu here's a few pics.... me at the helm ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Dev with all the puppies piled on her! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** the sunset peaking through the ferry... sigh...oh we slept over on the boat..awesome! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** So now of course we are addicted. Dev and I wanna sell the float house and buy a boat instead - or better yet get someone to swap us. Dev is already downsizing all her crap in her room including her TV yippeeee... She told me to cancel cable last week - phewf - that only lasted one whole year. I am trying not to be tooo excited, but I'll be surely happy to see the backside of that TV I'll tell yah. Then maybe Dev will come out of her hovel more often ! Well unfortunately I have to work all weekend...  otherwise we could have gone sailing again. BUT there's a whole summer and a whole ocean to explore... there will be more times to look forward too. YipppeeeeHappy weekend all bugzy |
| This will just be a quick entry to thank my dear friend Ski -ster My account had expired on June 30th and I had no intention of renewing for several reasons. I decided that it was time to let go of this place and move on. I have made a couple of very close and dear friends here but I talk to them more outside of WDC anyway, so that didn't matter. I have been really struggling with quite a few issues in my life lately and have basically shut down. I don't feel I can be completely open and honest in my blog anymore. So blogging had/has lost its appeal for me.... I felt okay with just letting it all go. But Mr Skister had other ideas and when he saw me go 'little' and noticed my blog gone he renewed my membership. That was very generous and I wanted to publically acknowledge that act of kindness and tell everyone what a good friend he has been to me since I first joined here over a year and a half ago. I started blogging shortly after I read his and he's always been a very supportive, non judgemental, and accepting friend to me. He's taught me countless things, knows how to set and keep very clear boundaries, and I admire his dedication to his wife and family most of all. He knows how to persevere through the bad times and didn't even let a horrendous accident at his work slow him down for a minute. He's a true friend to me and I'm beyond grateful for all his has given me. I am honoured and humbled by his friendship. He inspires me continuously. I hope to someday be as good a person as him. Here's to you buddy.... bugzy |
| I was given an assignment a few weeks back to write about diabetes... again! I have written two articles on that topic for that magazine already, and so I was soooo not inspired to write another one! I've been trying to come up with another slant and lo and behold, Sebastien Sasseville arrived. He's a young man who has diabetes, type one... the no prevention/cure kind... and he just climbed Mount Everest! I did the interview with him this morning and gosh... wow... amazing! I'm so inspired by his attitude, look on life, and his overall humble sense. He was a joy to talk to. He says he is grateful for his diabetes - his life would not nearly as significant or incredible if diabetes had not 'blessed' his life. He might be going to climb Machu Picchu next July - I kinda , okay not kinda... I DID invite myself along as his journalist! He's said anything is possible, so heeheee... I have moved mountains in my life before, so why shouldn't I be able to climb one? I'm seriously thinking about it. I'd need sponsors of course, but I have thought of a couple of good angles - just need a hot personal trainer to get me in shape and a magazine to want to cover the store and we're good to go! Just set my whole day on a positive light. I feel inspired and encouraged to keep on going. He did his job well today - he's a fulltime speaker, doing presentations across North America inspiring people with diabetes to forge ahead. Well he sure inspired me and I don't even have diabetes! Ohhhhh and two articles I wrote were in the local paper today. I was hired by the local downtown business association (and yup they PAY), so I did one about the famous Totem Poles here in town and another on a gal who runs an antique shop. She had her first customer today drive 100K to come to her store, spend $300 and wants to hook her up with their auctioneer company to sell their stuff.. WOOT! She is one happy gal... and me too... my name in the paper again. I've beyond thrilled..... Great way to start off a long holiday weekend up here. Have a great weekend! cheers bugzy ps... DebiWharton's granddaughter was born this morning....Kyndall arrived at 11:55am, weighing 6lbs 3oz and all are doing well! |
| June 25th, would have been my 26th wedding anniversary had I stayed married. I always remember this day for some odd reason. I don't have a thing for remembering dates - I'm always apologizing for missing birthdays and anniversaries and memorable occasions. I didn't even remember my sister's birthday and had to ask my mom. I'm always getting the years mixed up on my kid's birthdays which usually is followed by a groan and rolling of the eyes. But for some reason June 25th every year happens along and I think of my ex husband. On our 20th, I actually called him. Gosh that seems like lifetimes ago. He remarried shortly after we split and is still married .. happy I guess I don't know. But this day always makes me reflect. It was my first serious, longer term relationship that ended and I have had 26 years to try to figure out what went wrong. Still to this day I am perplexed. I think sometimes I have it sorted, but then that theory usually is replaced by another theory and so on and so on. I chalked him up as such: controlling, abusive, demeaning, a bully, derogative toward women, and generally an ass. Oh and lazy. But those are labels and they mean nothing really. Deep down he is a loving, caring, gentle man, I probably just brought out the worse in him. I could not have been easy to live with. I was young, vulnerable, had zero self esteem, was completely wrapped up in my work, I disliked sex (with him), and was extremely moody. Oh and I never talked and I mean never! I was brought up not being allowed to speak out or make my opinions or thoughts known. I think perhaps, well today I was thinking this - is it possible when as a young child, being forbidden to speak somehow causes a real physiological reaction whereby one's vocal chords really don't physically work anymore? I had words, they were in my head and in my heart but whenever I would try to speak them, they would literally feel lodged in my throat. Punishment when I was younger was to sit in a chair and not be allowed to speak. One time, that went on for 3 days. My father finally gave in when he realized, not being allowed to speak was not a punishment for me. I was happy to be quiet. I didn't talk in school. I wouldn't sing the national anthem or Oh Canada - i wouldn't even sing Happy Birthday. My husband, was patient probably in the beginning. He knew I was 'damaged.' He was supportive through very difficult times of being 'disowned' by my Dad several times during our relationship. But I can see now how I tested his patience. His anger couldn't be controlled forever I supposed, so beer bottles, screw drivers, or what ever he had in his hand at the time often came in my direction. I can clearly see how I evoked that and I genuinely have let go of all the 'labels' and blame I placed on him. I left him of course. A punch to the face was my final straw, but I don't 'blame' him for that now. I have spent 26 years, wondering what I could have done different. He has changed alot now. It's a bit odd to see him with his wife - she's the 'bully' now, telling him what to do, when. He is extraordinarily docile now. He drinks alot and is probably still lazy, okay he is definitely still lazy (here we go with labels still) but he doesn't seem like he is a bully any more. I used to have this theory, that we can make a relationship with anyone work if we try hard enough and if we want it enough. I am not sure where I stand on that theory now - I haven't thought of it in a very long time actually. But I still ask myself, what would have happened if I had stayed. I don't think he would have turned into some compulsive wife beater. I think it was just frustration at my inability to communicate that drove him over the edge. I did go to therapy, he refused - saying I was the one with the problem not him. My theory at the time, which still holds true for me now, is that in a relationship if one person has a problem, both people have a problem. Gosh - we were such different people inherently really. Could we have made it work when we thought so completely different on every topic? I doubt it really, but still I wonder... did I try hard enough? That to date, is still the longest relationship I have had. 8 years start to finish. Not so long now looking back - interminable at the time. I was unhappy for most of it. But what does that mean? What was the unhappy part all about? Was I unhappy with myself... well yes that was obvious. Was I looking for him for support and to be taken care of ... yes probably. Did I have expectations of him that were unrealistic? Oh yah for sure - like put up with me and my moods no matter what.... So over the last 17 years or so since my divorce I have relied on list making. Have you ever done that? I used to be a compulsive list maker - not only the 'to do' list but the 'pro con' list and the 'what I want in my next relationship' list... Devann and I even made a list once on a street car when we were riding to work one day..haha.. it was so cute. We didn't have a pen, so we used an eye liner - one of her criteria was he had to be able to give her airplane rides, he had to like pepperoni ( and she as a strict vegetarian haha) and not to drink coffee... haha.. there were lots more on the list, but that's all I remember. So I've made that list from time to time - sometimes just in my head. And funny enough, powerful that I am - I have manifested relationships pretty damn close to the list. One of my latest attributes was, that I wanted to be taken care of. I guess I made that one, when I was particularly worn out one day and was tired of the fight to just survive and was ready to just surrender. I was explaining to my stepmonster today that I think it goes waaay back that inherently the females were taken care of by their male counterparts. With all the role reversal crap that has gone on, those roles have been blurred. For most of my life I have taken care of myself just fine, thank you very much - but I think deep down there still is this innate need for me to want to be taken care of. But I had that. And I chose to let it go. And now I find myself questioning why. And questioning the whole idea of the damn list. Since, I have manifested the list, yet when it 'comes true' it turns out, those things were not important to me after all. Does that make me some sort of psycho?... some would say yes, most definitely haha. Today a dear friend said to me this... "Make the list. Then give each item a long hard look. Ask yourself, why do I think I want that? Could it be that this wanting is overshadowing what you actually possess right now?" I have pondered this all day. My lists... and what they are and what they mean. So if I was to give an example of something that may appear on my list (which changes) like.. ummmmm.... love me unconditionally... well I would say without a doubt I have had that.... still it wasn't enough. So let's see.... financial security... ok, I have had that too, still it wasn't enough Another... great sex... had that too Considerate, caring, supportive... etcetc.. yes, yes, yes. So if I apply what my friend said... and ask myself why do I want that..financial security for example. I have had that myself. I am capable of providing that for myself. Why am I looking at that to be provided by someone else? I have had people love me incredibly... astoundingly. But again, I am looking outside myself for others to love me - to validate me somehow. Of course I am. Do I love myself unconditionally? Good question.. probably not. I am very hard on myself. I judge myself. I get angry at myself. I second guess myself...all the time. How can I love others unconditionally when I can't love myself this way? I find fault in myself all the time and then, find fault in others. I am very good at looking at a situation and saying, okay you did that, and lay fault there, but I am just as good at looking at myself and finding fault with myself. But why does there have to be fault with either? I think I'm doing well by 'seeing' my part in things that go array. But why does it even have to come to that? Acceptance, unconditional acceptance. Accepting the other person exactly how they are.. with no other expectations that they will do anything or be any different than exactly how they are. Women have been accused of having the 'need' to change men. I have thought of that alot today too. Where is the line there? If you love someone dearly and they smoke, is it not okay to try to get them to quit? Why would you want someone you love to poison themself? But unconditional acceptance would dictate, smoking or not, what does it matter? It's not who they are! Devann said something in her brilliant wisdom the other day..."Who cares if they have everything on the 'list'.. there has to be that 'feeling.'" She said, "Not that I have had a relationship yet mom, but I know.'" Which she says quite emphatically with a sort of squint in her eye and a movement with her hand like and Italian talking spaghetti sauce. She then said, "Smoking doesn't matter - they can always quit. But that 'feeling'.. you can't make or quit that." Damn smart girl that one! So what does any of it matter? If they are a slob or a bad driver or do drugs, or drink too much or spit... why should that matter? Those things are not the person. Each person deep down is worthy of unconditional love and acceptance. Who the hell am I to judge? I hate that ... judgement. I deplore being judged and I hate when I find myself doing that too. Lovingly accepting.. that is what I want to do. Of myself and others....at what point does that occur? I guess it should from the onset of every meeting and ideally just stay that way regardless. Unconditionally... gosh that word has huge connotations. I know I love my kids unconditionally. I see that so clearly. I think I have been loved unconditionally by at least two men. Okay... maybe only one man. But do I know how to unconditionally love someone other than my children? I don't think I can. Okay, I can... obviously I can. But I don't think I ever have. That makes me incredibly sad. I've been incredibly sad all day today. I feel like I lost something precious. I feel I have lost a lot of opportunity to have a lot of love in my life. I feel I am mourning something deep down inside that I have never actually even known. How can you grieve for something you have not had?... I don't know but today I am grieving. I am grieving over the years that have passed by. The loves I have lost and the hurt I have felt. My inner child is grieving. I know today I cannot find or ask for anything on any list. All those things on the list have to be within me. Until I can love myself unconditionally and accept myself unconditionally.. I will not be able to give that to another. peace be with you bugzy |
| Until the day when we can actually crawl inside another person's body and mind, we should not pass judgement on the steps they take. Especially when we only hear one side of the story bugzy |
| I have been corresponding with the family of Jim, whose memorial service I attended last weekend. What a lovely family, I am inspired and truly a tad less cynical about life today when I realize the impact of connection and family. All of a sudden, when I was reading an email from Susan, one of Jim’s daughters, I realized something that has made me stop and be completely awestruck. My sister, perhaps a year or so before she died, started a business. She would interview elderly people, get them to talk about their lives, she would take and collect pictures and bind all of that into a book. That book would then be published for the family as a keepsake of their parents’ or grandparents’ life. I am not sure how many she did, perhaps only two or three, but I remember thinking how amazing that was and how seriously talented she was. And here today, I realize six or seven years later, in a smaller way, I have done the same thing. How is it that our paths continue to travel side by side? I feel her here beside me today, almost holding my hand – as if to lead me along and guide me back onto my path. I’ve strayed dangerously close to the edge over these past few weeks. I been feeling incredible lost and have imposed some self-afflicting walls around myself. I have been questioning everything in my life, from my job, to my morals, to my affect on people. Without realizing it earlier, as soon as I read the email from Susan, something shifted inside of me. I realized – I am here on this earth to affect people. I am here connecting with people all over the world, in all sorts of different ways. I am a free spirit, I am light and ethereal. I cannot be held down to the earth or feel constrained or confined in anyway – that is when I implode and question my very existence. So when I almost got hit by a car the other day I had it wrong. I thought it was because I was not grounded. I think now, it's the opposite. I was trying to plant myself too firmly in the ground and I need to be less rigid, less stuck, have less expectations and just let go more. I genuinely feel connections are made with others exactly as they should, when they should. And in the same token, connections need to be allowed to shift when they should as well. Mine is not to question, only to be guided and know all is right. Another thought just occurred to me.. (gosh this is why i used to blog so much.. and miss it) ... I took a course once, gosh, perhaps 10 years ago now. At the end, we made tapes proclaiming our purpose in life. I forget exactly mine, but it did go something like - I will be a teacher. I will write about people, their lives, travel, and speak about it. *shivers* I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Trust. It comes down to trust. Everything happens for a reason, as it should. Let go and let God. bugzy ps thank you for the lovely cnotes and emails checking up on me. I think.. no.. I am on the mend..*hugs* |
| Oh about six years ago now, I had an interesting experience. I have blogged about this before I think - but there was a span of about two or maybe three months whereby I was hit by a car three times. All three times I was either walking to or from work. Twice it happened at the same laneway. Once I got bumped, once I jumped out of the way and dropped my purse which got run over and the last time, I just put out my hands and pushed myself out of the way of the car. Startling to be sure. I really thought it was a warning of sorts to pay attention to my physical being and not be so ungrounded. Of course I was under a considerable amount of stress and anxiety but none of those times, was I walking against a light or jumping out into traffic. I was merely walking through an intersection when it was indeed my turn to do so. One other time when I was in Spain taking care of my sister, I walked out of the hospital, I went down the front walk and in order to go out to the sidewalk I had to pass between an opening in a very tall hedge. So right when I was stepping through this hedge, a man on a bicycle rode by on the sidewalk. I felt the clothing he was wearing brush my face and parts of my body. The rush of the wind pushed me back and I remember almost losing my balance. I was completely stunned. Had I stepped out one millisecond earlier I would have been hit dead on by a speeding bicycle and there is no doubt in my mind that I would have been severely injured. When I think of that time, I still get a shudder. Well this morning I was walking to work. I was a block away from the office, it was raining and cold. I stepped off the sidewalk to start crossing the street when the light turned green. I heard a car's engine rev up really loud and just as I looked ahead this car appeared out of nowhere through the intersection and started to turn right into my path. At that exact second that I saw him, he saw me and jammed on the brakes. He missed me by less than a foot. Immediately I clutched at my heart with my hand and jumped back out of his way. I just stood there for what seemed an eternity and he just drove off. I forced myself to walk the rest of the way to work, shaking and tears streaming down my face. Once at work, I sat on the couch and just cried for a good 10 minutes before I could pull myself together. I still shake when I think of that. When I told Devann about it at dinnertime, she got quite anxious and said, "How would I have ever found out what happened to you?" Good question. And scary too. This brought up lots of other issues for me. With our so called free universal health care system, I would have been completely screwed if I had to go to the hospital. Here in this province it is NOT free, like it was in Ontario, so I dont have any because frankly I can't afford it. It shocks me when I allow myself to think about it - so I don't. But times like today, really make me wonder. I wonder first of what messages I was being sent. Is it stress that brings on this state of just not being aware of my surroundings because my mind is so busy? I was thinking about an email I has sent to Ski -ster this morning where I had talked about my current friend situation. I have literally no friends here where I live. I have quite a few good friends, and a few very close friends who are online - but none who live close by. When my car broke down a few weeks back I had no one to call for a rescue. I know several, who if they lived closer, would have come to help, but the reality is, they all live too far away.So I was having a talk with myself about making a goal over the summer of meeting a few people here in the physical realm. I had this big long talk about my online personality versus my physical, real life personality and I was questioning myself about that - questioning my ability to even have a 'real' relationship or even friendship.... literally right before the car almost hit me. I don't know. Honestly - probably a coincidence. Probably just a fluke. Probably just some ass who had a fight with his wife and was late for work and totally wasn't paying attention when he was driving. But there is always a part of me - a strong part of me - that sees these types of events as little wake up calls. Little reminders to pay attention to what is happening right then and there in my life. To quit running around in such a daze, in such a rush to lose complete sight of the here and now. And to pay attention to what is important in life. Well either that - or I quit walking to work. Next time, I park right outside the office - screw the parking tickets. bugzy |
| I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately - not gunna blog about that, but instead when things get way out of balance, I try to see where in my life things are messed up. Usually the symptoms are easy to spot - getting overly consumed with work, getting sick ( I've got another cold coming on - second one since March, when I went over a year and a half with not so much as a sore throat) and wanting to sleep all the time, being lethargic and just damn lazy. A dear friend mentioned to me that I was 'empty' and I took that observation to heart. I realized I have been slipping away from anything connecting me to my 'spiritual' side. Coincidentally (or not) last week, I bumped into a woman who works at Providence Farm and she told me that the memorial service for Jim, the man who I had written about and who had died, was on Saturday. I knew I had to go. Bare (or bear.. hmm) in mind, I am not a 'church-goer' really. I have only been to two funerals my whole life - one was for a dear friend who died of a heroin overdose and it was not a regular funeral at all - hard to explain but it was extremely lively, we danced and well... it was lovely. Then my sister's funeral - well I was not really in my body at that time - again hard to explain, but it was all very surreal. But somehow I knew I would go to Jim's service, and I did. It was at the local United Church. I saw the Providence Farm woman and the other man I interviewed, George. The sons and daughters of Jim were there that I had met at the Farm the day Jim died. It was an extraordinary experience. The speeches that were made by friends and family and George and Gloria just made the tears stream down my face. I only met this man once, but he touched my heart so intensely, that to meet others who had known them all their lives and to hear more about that extraordinary man - well it was just such a blessing to me to hear it all. There were a few things that happened that just made me really believe that sometimes things just happen beyond our control that affect others so profoundly. The minister mentioned the magazine article that had been written about him - twice. It made me, again, so happy deep down in my soul to know how much joy that little story brought to others. After the service, I talked to all the kids, one by one, I had brought a disk with more pictures of their Dad and the story on PDF. They all remembered me - which surprised me really. One sister I had not met before, but when I introduced myself, she grabbed me and hugged me so hard. They all thanked me again for the story - it just melted my heart. I introduced myself to the minster and he told me too how unbelievably the timing was. He told me the story of how he had been at the hospital when John, Jim's son had come into the room holding the magazine - still astonished that it had been written just a few weeks before and no one had known about it. I do believe God - or whoever - moves in mysterious ways. Then today, I went to a Buddhist service. I used to go to a Buddhist Centre in Toronto. I have a deep connection with some of the teachings. I had studied quite a bit of that faith over the years and its connection to yoga has always resonated with me. I had been meaning to connect in some way - so finally I just did. It came up in conversation with my neighbour the other night, so she asked to come with me. It was a very very small center. Only 4 other people were in attendance. I remembered some of the chants, but still it's challenging and I really couldn't keep up. But when I closed my eyes and just allowed the sounds to surround me, there were a few moments when I felt at peace... just a few .. but better than nothing. I thought a lot of Karma afterwards. I do believe in Karma. I do believe that what goes around comes around and I really had a hard look at my life today and tried to see where things have gotten skewed, where I was out of balance and what was happening that I was attracting so much negativity and discord and sadness in my life. I didn't really come up with any answers. But I know I'm extremely unbalanced right now. So all I can do is find little ways to try to set things right. The fridge is full of fresh, organic vegetables, I have been out canoeing every day the last 3 days, today I did yoga for the first time in forever, and I have spent way less time online than I have been lately. Sometimes things and lessons come to us in strange ways. My need to feel reconnected with myself is something that I cannot dismiss right now. My body has always been a huge gage for me when other parts of my life are out of whack. And man is my body telling me point blank to smarten up. So I better listen... and next thing is to get to sleep. Nam Myōhō Renge Kyō bugzy |
| Super long day today - working, then long presentation/dinner meeting. Was gunna blog about that and how a pal of mine wants me to run for City Counselor Me in politics?? Oh yah.. bring on the paparazzi!! But nah... this is much more interesting. It was super duper windy when I got home. After dumping my stuff on the floor, petting Darla I had an instinct to go check on my plants..... and YUP... my poor Japanese Maple was swimming away... VERY QUICKLY!! I had to strip.... out of my dress clothes, I threw on jeans, dumped the water out of the canoe and threw the canoe in the water.. and paddled away. It was damn tricky - the water was rough, it was super duper windy and trying to paddle close enough to get to the tree, then reach over (without falling in this time !!) then grabbing it and throwing it in the canoe...... Success!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** But... sigh... last week its teammate fell in (the one in the right of the picture) and my neighbour rescued it, and although I hosed it off really well, I noticed yesterday it is dying...  ... so I hosed this one off too. Tomorrow I will try to transplant them both and put in new soil and maybe they will be okay.Keep them in your prayers please. bugzy |
Dipping of the oar into the still early morning waters breaks the stillness. Then a ripple teases further ahead as the wind wants to play. Twenty-five shades of green spill across the canvas she's painted. With one wild pink rose peaking out through the tangles. The chorus has began hours ago but still plays again just for me. There's no conductor needed yet somehow everyone knows. There is no sadness in the clouds that hover, moving, yet still. The sun is there as always, perhaps hidden but still shining. In an instant, gone are the judgments, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings, Unrest, heartache, regret, and the wrinkles that appeared yesterday from nowhere. Mother nature knows - she allows death in order for there to be rebirth. It's not unkind, it's a celebration of life and a knowing it's time to move on. Fish jumping, eagles savouring breakfast, air so crisp and clean it rejuvenates my soul. And the rest as they say... is just bullshit. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** . |
| If I have one thing that I wish I could change about myself it would be my inability to stick to my guns. This is something that I just darn well suck at. I have made great promises to myself time and time again ... that I wouldn't do that, or I wouldn't allow someone else to do something - but as much as I try to be strong and keep my word that I make to myself, I fail again and again. Sometimes, when I can get really clear about something - when I can take a step back away from my situation, when I can devoid myself of the emotion of it all - I really think I am capable of seeing things clearly and then making a good, solid decision about something. But then, it seems like I can so easily just throw all my convictions right out the window and go against the decision I made. First example - Devann's spermdad. I didn't want to date him at all. He was a girlfriend's roommate. He was younger, unemployed, lazy, a slob etcetc. Totally NOT my type. But some very emotional circumstances on my part threw us together - he helped me through a VERY rough time and one thing led to another. I said to myself very clearly in the beginning, this relationship was NOT going anywhere - but it did. I didn't listen to myself at all. But do I regret that relationship? Not for ONE second. I have Devann. And I cannot imagine life without her. I went back on my agreement with myself ... but am I ever glad I did. Another example, my decision of six years ago now NOT to ever return to the banking industry. I made that decision very clearly. I had a lot of history there, but I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that it was not something I could ever go back to. I have kept that promise to myself but sometimes I have to ask - at what cost? Well a financial one - that goes without saying. I think how completely different my life would have been if I had just stayed there all this time. Or even returned to the bank after my last hiatus when I moved out here. What would have been the other costs to myself? I often wish I could see clearly the two paths and to compare each direction. But that is silly anyway. I am a true believer that every decision we make has both positives and negatives. When I question a decision that I have made and go back on my word about something - does that mean I have let myself down? I like to think I am very open minded and stay open to new information that is presented and allow myself to renegotiate my decisions. And when does putting a stake in the ground about something and not allowing a renegotiation become more about pride and ego? Does that get in the way and cloud my judgment? But mostly, I think I give in too easily. I get these moments of strength and declare certain things I want and don't want in my life, but then I hear the words of someone, perhaps someone who is hurting and needs me and I succumb. Mostly, I have done this out of love. I put the other person's needs ahead of my own. I think in one way that makes me a good person - the person I want to be, compassionate, loving, and caring. But what happens when I put those needs of others ahead of what is right for me? What cost does that entail for me? I like to think there is some way to balance these situations. I want to show love and caring but I want to remain strong as well. Do you think that is possible? I'd like to think so, but I am just not sure. I hope so ... I really do. I hope that when I don't do exactly what someone wants me to do, that somehow they don't feel any less loved or feel that I love them less than I do. I hope that somehow in turn they can admire my strength and somehow through my convictions, they can gain strength too. Perhaps that is just the dreamer in me. But I do know, if I dishonour myself, I am no good to anyone. Well my thoughts are all jumbled up and for once blogging about it didn't help sort things out... guess I have lots more to think about this ... bugz |
| Went to a local Garden's Club meeting tonight to do a presentation on the work we are doing around Food Security. It was interesting... there were about 100 people there that belong to that club - but before our turn to talk - we had to sit through a 30 minute presentation on Irises... and listen to a dude extol the virtues of this ... flower. I sat there listening to the ewwwws and ahhhhhs as he showed a power point presentation on all the different hybrids of yellows and new purples and ohhh a brandy new pink one. I watched these folks and thought WTF? There are hundreds of folks in our own small community who don't have access to food tonight and you guys are .... sigh I dont know. Life is messed up. I did make a bit of a 'dig' when I did my talk and asked them if Irises were edible okay... new topic.... A few weeks ago I left my cell phone on the top of my car and drove away... now for some folks cellphones are an extravagance, but I don't have a land line and with a Stepmonster who is always one pill away from death's door, mine is important. But expensive. So I didn't go to replace it, because a) I didnt have the money to buy a new one and b) I was ahem... a tad behind on my bill. But I sorta kinda almost caught up on my bill and then Dev found her old phone which didn't used to work after it went swimming in a cup of coffee but miraculously got cured - so I thought okay - I'll go in and reactivate this old phone today.Well turns out - even though I dont pay my bill too well - I am still a what they call - PREFERRED customer - probably cause I pay them a lot of $.. when I do pay. So the gal in the store today, took one look at my old phone - where the #3 sticks and you have to jam it so hard you almost break a finger to get it to work and said, "Well I bet you are in time to get a new phone - let me check your plan" Ummm okay... so yup - me and my PREFERRED status could have ANY phone I wanted no matter what kind - FOR FREE! ummmm yah okay. So I'm embarrassed to say I have this swanky new blackberry phone that I can't eat nor can I actually use... I think I texted someone - but I am not sure. I did call my stepmonster and that seemed to go okay... but honestly this phone/tv/videorecorder/mp3/camera/computer/ thingamagigy... is ridiculous. I honestly thought.. no, I can barely pay my bill with you folks - I hardly need this ridiculous phone - and Dev will be so jealous she won't talk to me for a week. But here is the deal .. with my PREFERRED status .. I get a new phone every year... sigh... and I can sell this one next year and get a few hundred bucks for it easy - well if Dev doesn't arm wrestle me for it first. So I caved - but I feel pretty hypocritical to be honest... I have a few days if I wanna take it back.... we'll see. okay..another new topic Oh and maybe kinda good news - out doing sales calls for the magazine - which resulted in ZERO sales - but I am getting the knack of it and quite like it actually.. chatting up people blahblahblah.. but I might get two writing gigs out of it. Seems the downtown business association is running 4 page Ad features in a newspaper twice a month and they write the Ad copy for different highlighted businesses and so one gal asked if I would be interested in writing them... ummm.. yah no guff... so I emailed the gal in charge tonight and yah.. that would be a sweet gig. And another store asked if I could write promo-type copy for them... surely I could (I have no clue - but I am sure I can figure that out!! ) okay...last topic... sorta So all in all - a strange up and down day. I did figure out some of the basis for my frustrations at work - after waiting and reminding and waiting and reminding Amy today.. since last Friday to send a damn letter I wrote - she finally sent it today. And I realized ... things here just don't get done quickly. Partly it is the "Island Time" mentality but mostly I realized ... she just doesn't get things done in any timely manner. Partly it's her attitude but that has been fostered in this laid back environment. So, I have to take my expectations down a notch.. at least until the point where I am in a position to just get things done myself. Oh and Andrew the other guy I work with is leaving in August...so that is.... interesting. And I have about 8 folks interesting in joining our board so far!!! So I see a lot of change in the air... and it's pretty damn exciting! But now I am bushed.... so no more mucking around on here.. off to zz earlyish for a change. And don't be texting me too early anyone cause I haven't figured out how to turn off the sound on this damn phone yet! nitey nite bugzy |
| On my way to work this morning - busting it for an interview.. that was a no show (grr.. you are saved from emoticons today cause my keyboard is being poochy and all my exclamation marks look like ÉÉ and my thingies for emoticons look like ^^^^... grrr anyway, we will have to improvise here....Lucky !"/$"%? all still work....so yah - on the radio show this morning they chatted with a dude Gary Chapman, who wrote a book The Five Love Languages. He says there are five different ways that we feel that we are loved... 1 - Words of affirmation - some people are auditory and need to hear words of affection or encouragement - when they HEAR words - they feel loved. 2 - Quality time - meaning when someone drops everything, turns off the TV and pays attention to you.. if that happens and it makes you feel good then that is one specific way that one person KNOWS they are loved. 3 - Receiving gifts - some people need physical signs of affection - some treasure outwardly signs that they are loved. It doesn`t have to be expensive or daily - but that is how some people feel truly loved - when they are shown through a gift. 4 - Acts of Service- some people feel loved when someone does something for them - like makes them dinner, or does chores around the house, brings tea - sometimes, people see that as showing them love. (Okay I`d LOVE anyone who came over right now and did my dishes hahaha) 5 - Physical Touch - ok this is a given, but some folks know they are loved by signs of affection, a touch as you walk by, kissing, *checks rating on blog*.. okay etcetc (damn no blushing emoticons grrrr) So the premise is, if you are a person who needs to HEAR that you are loved, and your partner is not very verbal, but prefers to show love by doing the dishes.. he may in fact be dying in love with you, but because he doesn`t TELL you how fabulous you look in that dress, you may indeed feel completely unloved. HE on the other hand, loves you to death and tries to show you that by taking out the trash..... so in fact there is a lot of love going on... but maybe she doesn`t feel it. get it .. grr.. no question mark currently available. Trick is now - to figure out how you need to be loved and how your partner needs to feel love and get them in sync. Not so hard really. There is of course the obligatory book to buy - or check out his site... http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html Me you ask....(imagine another question mark here) I am auditory all the way Baby... well and if you toss in the odd prezzie here and there - I won`t complain.. oh and grab my tushie too while you go by... hahaha I won`t be complaining much either!! heehee Okay folks.. so get out there and find your LOVE language and GET TALKING !!!! heehee cheerios bugzy |
| I worked from home today. I had too much to do and I still was feeling a bit under the weather. I find if I have a lot to do, going into the office is counter productive. So I had to do up some spreadsheets and finish a survey I was working on and make some calls. I did all that. Then I chatted to a gal who I have been trying to get to join our board. She has lots of great ideas and I love her energy. I have spoken to her a few times and she called today to talk about another idea she had for a fundraiser. It got me all pumped up as we thought of more ideas and just kept bouncing thoughts off each other and things just kept flying and I got really excited. I know she will join the board with a bit more coaxing and will be amazing to work with. After our conversation - I got all pumped up and did up all sorts of letters - one for asking people to donate items for a silent auction, another donor request form, another one for tracking bids on items .. blahblahblah. I wrote out all our ideas for a fundraiser and I really think even just with her and I we could really pull something off that will be quite successful. Then I called another gal I have bumped into a few times, she is one of our city councilors. And I asked her point blank if she would be interested in the joining the board. She immediately said yes. She said she wouldn't have before because she didn't like the last guy than ran CGC... funny enough I have heard that from now a growing number of people lately. We had a great talk - and again, I got pretty psyched up. There has a been a barrage of emails lately from a few of the dud directors that are really pissing me off. They don't want to take on any more responsibilities or work, but they seem to want to throw the wrench in moving forward on anything new. They seem to think we should be volunteers and can't get their heads around that .. it's making me pissy. I am excited about a few things - one being the potential new directors - I have recruited 4 so far. There is resistance about that too. Even from Amy the gal I work with. She is nervous about bringing people on board who dont share our vision - cant be any worse than the twits we have now.. I say!! And the current board members want to see bios - at first I was sort of okay with that, but then I remembered - with all the boards I have been on, I have never submitted a bio and those dudes certainly didn't when they joined the board. So I am going to say piss on that. I am excited about the AGM and doing a fundraiser... but I will get resistance to that too. Andrew thinks it's too much work.. sigh...and who knows what the current board will say. And I'm excited about opening a retail store - we have an amazing location with a store front right downtown that is completely underutilized. But again - the current board is against that too.... sigh. I am having a real challenge here, in wanting to move this damn place forward and get things going - starting with new board members. But I am really afraid that again, I am going to put a lot of energy into something that is just going to die because these people just don't have a vision or seem to want CGC to move ahead. I really don't know. I want to be excited tomorrow to go to work - but I just don't know whether anything I suggest will be met with any enthusiasm. It's like I have to play my cards right, or everything will just blow up in my face. I hate playing games .. I am not a game player, I am a getter done girl. So I gotta think on next steps here. I think we plan a board meeting,.... we have had to cancel two because we couldn't even get quorum ... so those goofs have to pick a day when they can all come - I want to invite the new potential board members and just damn well get them voted in - then with at least.. umm 3 old useless ones, and 4 to 6 new keeners we should be good to go. Then I will see that things can happen around here. Maybe. Okay.. well I have to finish putting together interview questions - we are finally replacing PJ girl, who left a few weeks ago.. finally. And so I will do this interview haha. Then off to zzz. Busy days ahead. Hopefully some progress will be made on a few fronts. Yup yup... here's hoping cheers bugzy |
| I said the other day, I either brag in here or I whine. But since today IS Mother's Day I think a brag blog is in order - and shouldn't really count - so I declare this blog as a freebie. Devann, who is now less than three months away... yikes... from being 16, and I were at the grocery store in the check-out line the other day. We started talking about.. ok I forget.. but the topic came up about our relationship. We both said how amazed we are that we get along so well. I told her I was talking to one of my editors, Bonnie, the other day, and when she asked how old my kids were and I told her that I had a 15 year old daughter, she groaned and started to give me sympathy. I had to correct her immediately and tell her how great Dev is and how lucky I feel. As I went on to say more about our relationship, Bonnie just sat there with her mouth opened, completely astounded at what I was telling her. She was so surprised and elated and actually gave me a hug. Bonnie told me how her daughter from 15-18 was completely hellish and didn't know how they survived. She's over 30 now.. so they did I guess. Devann and I continued to talk about her girlfriends and the relationships they have with their moms. Dev's seen first hand the lack of respect, and yelling and anger that goes on in a lot of houses. She even calls her friends on how rude they are to their Mothers. We have tried to figure out what has worked between us. I wish we could figure it out and write it all down and share it with others. Dev says it's because we've been through so much together. That is probably true in one respect - but there has to be more. We agree that it has not always been like this. We have had really hard times. She did point out one very valid fact - when we lived with Michael I was under constant stress. She told me that I used to get mad at her at the smallest thing. She reminded me of a time when she spilled her drink in Michael's car and I lost it. I don't remember that incident - but she told me I got really angry and was very stressed that Michael would have a fit - because it was his car. And although I don't remember that time exactly - I certainly remember that feeling. Always being on edge that I would get in trouble from Michael - so I guess somehow that made me so much more intolerant of any mess or accidents. Dev broke another water glass here the other day - we are down to two now - and I just laughed and said soon we'd be sharing the last one. When I think of that right now - had that happened while we were living with Michael - I know I would have had an absolute shit fit. In a sense, I think that Devann and I have grown up together. I really wanted to have another child, when I decided to get pregnant. The relationship I was in, broke up before I found out I was pregnant - and finding out I was, even knowing I would be single - was one of the happiest times of my life. I was going through a lot of changes in my life - since Dev was born I have left the bank, and gone back, and left again. We have done some incredible things together during these past 15 years. We have survived some horrendous relationships. We have moved... let's see... ummm..,,,wow 12 times since she was born... sigh...not going to count the men... schools, she been to...5,.... we have moved across the country....I guess the only constant has been change and that we've stuck together somehow. I think for me a huge part of how I am around my kids or anyone for that matter, is how good I am feeling about myself. When I have been really down or angry or sad or feeling bad about myself, I know I act differently. Even with the struggles we are facing now, deep down I feel better about myself as a person, than I think I have my whole life up until now. I think we act differently towards others, when that inner peace is there. Maybe there is no magic answer. Maybe it's partly luck of the draw. When I think of my son, I can only smile. He is an absolute joy. I wish he was closer.. but when we do chat on MSN it's like we just talked yesterday. He knows he can count on me no matter what. He cracked me up the other day - I was whining about something being shitty... and he said - "Mom, if you put out negativity, that is what you'll get back. I grew up hearing that remember? So cut it out!" Cracked me up...it's so funny to think all those years of preaching to them.. that some of it, they actually listen to! Dev came down to my room late last night and was all sad because she had not planned anything for today for me. Last year, she organized a whole surprise weekend at a hotel/spa. We had a fabulous time...I smile when I think back. What an amazing experience that was. This year she had planned a camping trip with another friend and her mom - but they moved away a few weeks ago rather suddenly, so that went out the window. I don't want her spending any money this year - so that kinda killed her other ideas for the day. But sincerely, I have tears when I think how blessed I am to have her in my life, that I couldn't care less about what she does or doesn't do today. For me, knowing she is up there hoveled in her loft, probably not even coming out to see the light of day - knowing what an amazing person she is turning out to be - she's funny, a very loving friend to her girlfriends, she is bright and talented, she's loving and gentle, caring, compassionate, okay.. and a bit of a lazy ass! But who isn't in some respects? I think I'll go up and jump on her now and make her wake up and make me some food!! That should make her grumpy and mad at me! Nah.. probably not. Yah, I'm gunna go get her up and go hang out. Maybe I can drag her out for a hike or canoe ride. That will make me happy seeing her suffer!! When we figure out the magical recipe for our fabulous relationship, I'll let you know. In the meantime - share your love and joy today with everyone around you - Mom's or not. We are all mothers.. even the men. Sending happiness to you all. bugzy |
| I've been super tired this week and resisting naps has been a challenge. So tonight, I plunked out at like 8pm, so now its 3am and yup - wide awake. Which will be a challenge as I have a 7am meeting, so not sure if I should stay up now, or go back to sleep. hmmm well at least I'll blog or suffer the wrath of a few folks on here! Yesterday morning Amy had a presentation to do at a local private school. So she asked me to go with her. I was worried she was going to be boring (and I was right ) so I threw in my two cents here and there and tried to liven things up a bit for the students who had their heads down on their desks! According to Amy's interpretation of the schedule there was an hour break between the sessions, so she suggested we go out for lunch. It didn't make sense to me that they wouldn't invite the presenters to lunch there (it's a residential school, so there's a cafeteria) but I said fine. So we went to lunch, and when I asked her to confirm the time to get back, since she indicated it was an hour and 15 mins break , which still didn't make sense... so when we got back into the car, she pulled out the schedule (and in my defense I had not read it earlier because the font was so damn tiny, I needed my reading glasses! ).....she realized the break was actually only 15 mins!!By this time we only had about 15 mins left of the presentation time! Needless to say we were both mortified!! So I did a bad thing.. I said, we cannot possibly go back at all! If we go back for the last 10 mins, as we still had to drive back to the school - we will have to admit that we totally screwed up, we will not be able to address the topic in such a short time AND we will look like asses! So we decided to LIE! yup... ME lie!!! Well ... be party to a lie anyway. We decided to return to the office and then advise them that the car broke down. Indeed a blatant lie, but honestly .. .. I just felt it was so damn unprofessional to just confuse the times like that, that I couldn't face our work being labeled as such dorks!I am betting the kids were thrilled - they looked totally bored when they came into our session and looked positively tortured by the time they left. So the new bunch got 50 mins of free time and it was probably the best time they had all day! But I must admit, we kept cracking up the whole day. Andrew, however, did not quite see the humour ... oh lordy.. still cracks me up here!Okay going back to zzz.. tomorrow I NEED to hit the sales road - needless to say I chickened out today! nite nite bugzy |
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