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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| Okay, got my puter all happy (and me) again. Figured out to resize pictures too.. so tada.. here is the pic of my son he sent me yesterday with his latest squeeze ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And this one.. which is yah (checking blog rating) more his usual pose ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I don't blog about him too much really do I? In fact someone here said, I didn't even know you had a son... ooops. He's 22 now. He is living in Korea, teaching english. This gal is teaching there too and is from Eastern Canada. He's all smitten... for now. He's really a great guy. I adore him. He's hysterically funny, and very smart, sincere, generous, an all around nice guy.. and he's damn HOT in my opinion (Nada said I was allowed to say that)  Anyway he IMed me yesterday to say that he is being called back up (or down or over perhaps) to the Baseball Farm team in Ohio. He was called up to try out a few years ago, but he was like 7 pounds overweight. But they kept him on their roster thingy and have been paying him like $3000 a year to do nothing , but NOT sigh with anyone else. What a gig!!! He was chatting to them and said his new weight etc and so they are wanting him to come back for try outs again. He is pumped to say the least... but then he hit a slight clitch!! He was working out and managed to tear his ligaments in his arm... or tendons... I forget. So he is in a sling and cant move his arm. Prognosis... surgery or never play baseball again.... yikes! So he is opting for surgery ... $2000 in Korea, but the flight home to get if done for free would be as much. So his boss is fronting the $ and he will pay it back over time. His boss loves him and probably doesnt want to lose him off work for too long. He is the most popular teacher there - he teaches kids.. .which is no surprise. He is great with kids and worked for years at a special needs kids camp. Well, I am trying not to worry - I am sure surgeons over there know what they are doing... right?? Yup yup.. well that's about it. On the work front - I was stressing big time as we were having a board meeting tonight - and I got a whole package together to present regarding my new job and a organization chart for how I would like to see the company, an update on my projects blahblahblah and then... not enough people showed up for a quorum, so the meeting was pushed back until Friday...... grrrrr Had a chat with them about PJ girl - I am totally at my limit, but they are not going to do anything about her, so she keeps @#$ the dog and yah.... I need to let that go. I think I have said that before... oops. Okay that's enough of that... off to sleep early tonight I think. I'm tired... I think I ate too many butterfingers   |
| Wanted to attach a pic of my GORGEOUS son, but can't figure out how to resize on my new puter and I'm too tired after spending hours trying to uninstall and reinstall and fix my Word program that has been crashing all day.. waaa.. so here is a back up Something I read the other day that cracked me up... have a read. It's pretty damn funny I think Why English Is Hard To Learn Author Unknown Nobody ever said it would be easy. Indeed, learning the English language can be very difficult, because it is full of contradictions and paradoxes. Many words in the English language look alike in print. They may be spelled the same, but when spoken, they might not sound the same; they may or may not be used as different parts of speech, yet their meanings rely on how they are used. Each of the following sentences contains words that can be confusing for people trying to learn the English language. The sentences themselves provide clues to the meanings of the words, and parts of speech have been indicated in parentheses. The bandage was wound (v.) around the wound (n.). The farm was used to produce (v.) produce (n.). The garbage dump was so full that it had to refuse (v.) more refuse (n.). We must polish (v.) the Polish (adj.) furniture. He could lead (v.) if he would get the lead (n.) out. The soldier decided to desert (v.) his dessert (n.) in the desert (n.). Since there is no time like the present (n.), he thought it was time to present (v.) the present (n.). A bass (n.) was painted on the head of the bass (adj.) drum. When shot at, the dove (n.) dove (v.) into the bushes. I did not object (v.) to the object (n.). The insurance was invalid (adj.) for the invalid (n.). There was a row (n.) among the oarsmen about how to row (v.). They were too close (adv.) to the door to close (v.) it. The buck does (v.) funny things when the does (n.) are present. A seamstress and a sewer (n.) fell into the sewer (adj.) line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow (n.) to sow (v.). The wind (n.) was too strong to wind (v.) the sail. After a number (n.) of injections, my jaw became number (adj.). Upon seeing the tear (n.) in the painting, I shed a tear (n.). I had to subject (v.) the subject (n.) to a series of tests. How can I intimate (v.) this to my most intimate (adj.) friend? Let's face it, English is an illogical language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France, and a Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are not bread but meat. Quicksand can work slowly, and a boxing ring is in fact square. Although there are rules of grammar in the English language, they seem to be broken a lot. For example, if the plural of tooth is teeth, then why isn't the plural of booth beeth? The plural of goose is geese, so why isn't the plural of moose meese? Doesn't it seem strange that you can make amends for wrongdoing but not a single amend? And if you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, then what do you call it? If teachers taught, then why didn't preachers praught? And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what does a humanitarian eat? In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship, have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are not? Why don't overlook and oversee mean the same thing? In English, people talk about certain things only when they are absent. For example, have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown, met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house burns up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm goes off by going on. But of course, English was developed by people, so it reflects the creativity and inconsistency of the human race, which is a far from perfect species. Have a good day all. cheers bugzy |
| An entry in Wren blog the other day got me thinking about how people process grief. It is a challenging thing and it affects people in different ways and in different timelines. I think we can grief so much more than just when a person dies. A lost relationship, a change in life circumstances.... so many things or people we lose for different reasons can cause use to grieve. Wren lists a few things to do to overcome, at least partially, the grief. I asked her if I could save them and keep them. She said yes. My purpose is to hopefully, one day share these thoughts with my little niece. She is 16 now. Her mom died when she was 10. She is living in Spain and I have not seen or talked to her since her mom died. Her Dad does not like me and that is another story, but I have not been allowed to be in contact with her or her brother who is 13 or 14 now. My stepmonster, for reasons unbeknown to me is the only one in our family who has been allowed to keep connected to them. She has told me some disconcerting news lately about my niece, Sarah. Seems she is acting out ... a lot. She was always a brilliant student. My sister put her kids first above all else, driving them 30 mins to a better school. Picking them up at lunch to bring them home, then returning them again for afternoon classes, then picking them up after school was over. They lived at the swimming pool, participating in synchronized swimming , which was a passion of both my sister and me, Jordi went to diving classes, soccer, you name it, those kids did it, and my sister was right there the whole time. I used to bug her, saying she spoiled them. I wish I had never said that now. As soon as my sister died, the pool time stopped immediately. My sister's husband didn't support those activities. He did put them into sailing classes, so at least they kept up with something. But that is only because he works on boats, so it was probably easier for him to have them at the marina all the time. Well seems that Sarah, who was once a brilliantly talented, dedicated, happy, well adjusted beautiful child is now rebelling. She stays out until 2am, is failing at school, won't tell anyone where she is or what she is doing and last week when she went on a school trip, she stayed out until 6am. My heart is just breaking for her. I know she is missing her Mom terribly. The teenage angst years are so difficult, and her Dad is an ass through and through. And although there has been a girlfriend on the scene, pretty much as soon as my sister had died, I know from first hand experience, nothing is the same as having your 'real' Mom in your life. The worst of it all, is that John, her Dad, was not at all happy with her Mom when she died. They were in the middle of a really rough time, and my sister was planning on moving out. He was not supportive at all in her choice of treatments for her cancer and he told anyone and everyone when she was really sick, that it was all her fault and that she was selfish and a bad mother for not sticking to conventional treatment to get well. He told everyone she wanted to die. That she did not love her children. I know he told the children that. Can you imagine? Being a young child and being told your Mom didn't love you enough to stay well. Just writing this makes me so angry all over again. So angry and yet so unbelievably sad, I almost can't stand it. I want to take those poor kids and just bring them here and sit them down and tell them the truth. I was there when she died. I KNOW how much she loved them. We spent hours and hours talking about them, how worried she was. She knew they were going to be left with him without her, and that broke her heart. She kept trying to convince herself that she was there for them for the formidable years. But she knew... I have letters. Letters that she wrote to the children, telling them how she loved them, what she loved about them, what they did that brought her so much joy. I have been keeping these letters for the time when I would be able to share them, when they would be able to understand. I really feel it is the time now. I need to find some way to get hold of them. My stepmonster has asked if Sarah can write to Devann. They are almost the same age, and Devann has such a great head on her shoulders and I am really hoping that if they connect somehow.... well that some good can come of it all. My stepmonster has asked if Sarah can come here for a month, but I really doubt that will happen. Well all I can do at this point is hope that we can reconnect. That we can talk and share and that she can find out how amazing her Mom really was, how much she was loved and how what she has heard since she was 10 is not true. Perhaps that will repair some of the damage. I don't know. I truly pray it is not too late. bugzy |
| It's after 10pm, finally eating dinner. The infectious laughter of 3 teenage girls in the kitchen, eating pizza, squirting chocolate whipped cream (is that vegan ) is making me smile and just breathe and relax for the first time all day. The best news after much cuckooness and organization and car swapping and car pooling and ferry rides, nonsense and short tempers - I have a 'new to me' car!! Oh thank god to my brother and stepmonster. Being without wheels is torturous when you live in the middle of nowhere. So paperwork still needs to be sorted - they don't like people to move provinces when it comes to insurance here. BUT, its a lovely green Hyundai Accent, 5 speed ... yippee... and goes like a little bat outta hell!! I see a few speeding tickets in my future AND my boss just emailed me and said our company just got approval for a $5000 grant for WHATEVER we want... so high speed internet is first on the agenda  AND this grant goes for 3 years running - no reapplying needed... oh yah!!This was much needed good news after last night's steering committee meeting where we took a bit of a shit kicking. Seems like the reputation of this place isn't as high as I had originally thought. The .. ummm... feedback criticism was a bit harsh but true. So I did a bit of 'selling' of our new direction and vision and let it out of the bag that I will be stepping up to be the ED and so perhaps a bit of damage was undone. It made me riled up though - I am pumped to prove that particular grumpy ole farmer wrong - this kinda stuff is a challenge for me to really get things moving and reposition ourselves as the great little organization we can be. So bring it on... I can take it. I LOVE a challenge and can't wait til next week's meeting, so it's all official and I can really get my hands dirty. AND looking swank in my cutie little car too... heehee... wahooo bugzy |
| I hereby proclaim myself for the entire world to see (or folks on here anyway) that I am ... HIGH MAINTENANCE There.. phewf. So I am no longer hiding behind the ruse that I am some kinda easy going, water off a duck's back kinda gal ... nope... I need attention. I need support. I need ooodles and ooodles of love, affection, pats on the back, encouragement, words of praise lavished on me at all times, sucking up to, and lots and lots of attention .. did I say that already? Yup. God that feels good. Ask for what you want.... an oldie but goodie. So that's it then. That's what I want. Any takers? done for now more crap tomorrow bugzy |
| I admitted the other day... sigh... that I am not so sure I trust myself anymore. That sort of took me aside for a moment and I have been thinking about what that means. I was thinking about how many times I have made decisions in my life that I was so sure about. Either because of a gut feeling, or a pro and con list or that all evidence supported that was the way to go... Only later to find out I was wrong. How is it that I can be so 'sure' of something in one moment, then so 'sure' it was a mistake later on? With so much of my life up in the air at the moment, I feel like I am at a crossroads every time I look around. For someone like me who likes a challenge and likes the unpredictable, normally that's an okay place to be. But I think right now, with so much of my life in a state of flux, I am finding it all a bit disconcerting and questioning my own ability to make the right choices. ...sigh... Not sure where I am going here - maybe nowhere. Just blabbing and sorting thoughts and it's probably too late to do any of it. So, yah - perhaps tomorrow things will look clearer. Off to sleep then I guess. nite nite bugzy |
| Someone ... not saying who.. coughdebiwhartoncough ... said to me the other day that she thought I was censoring myself on here lately and I had to agree. So what have I not been sharing? I was also thinking I either complain or brag on here - and wondered what of those I have not been blabbing about either. So here goes a few I guess - just so I can say I'm all caught up. 1 - had a GREAT breaktime  That's all you're getting 2 - got a spanky new super cool laptop 3 - blew the tranny on my brother's car  4 - did a way cool interview with a super famous canadian dude who wrote ME and thanked ME for inspiring him and being the catalyst to reigniting his passion to 'take over' the north island art scene! and NOOO I didn't do anything bad! 5 - had a GREAT breaktime ummm that's it I think. See... you didn't miss much. Okay back to work I go!! gotta finish writing about cool dude  who also thanked ME for moving my life back here to the westcoast!!bugzy |
| As I walked down the ramp to the house just now, I had a thought creep into my mind that perhaps I am not okay. Perhaps it's been more than just this cold, the stress of being carless again, or the wounds from being in the endless spin cycle of the washing machine of life that has taken me to this place here today. My brain has been on fuzz overload and I have been unable to focus or work for days. I thought, maybe this is it. Maybe, I need to get something. Maybe, I am just no longer able to cope on my own. Maybe, I have reached my limit. This thought disturbed me immensely as I opened the door to my home and dumped all my crap on the floor. I robotically started to tidy up, as we had left a few days ago in a hurry. ....setting up my computer, glancing through days of mail, tidying the comforters and throw pillows on the couch...... then suddenly I stopped. I looked up and out through the glass doors. The rain was pelting into the ocean. The flowers I had planted last week were bright and dancing with the rain drops. Everything around me on all sides exuded a peace I had not felt in days. In that instant, a tear crept down my face and I realized.....no.... I am okay. How can a place, a physical location of water, plywood, grubby carpet and paint be my salvation? How can a place that has harboured me for the last year and three months be what holds me together? Here is where I have hidden from the world, my fears, healed my soul and mind and where I found you folks. This is where I need to be and all will be well again. bugzy |
| enter at your own risk.... the wdc bug has got me, has wrestled me to the ground and is currently beating the crap out of my sinuses and winning! miss you all be back when i can think... sniffling and grumpy bugzy |
| Easter weekend is upon us... gosh it seems earlier and earlier all the time. We have a few days off work - yahoooooooo.. so I am going to take a hike. Or several I hope. Weather is supposed to be good, I have a hellish few weeks coming up, so I am gunna skip town for a few days and try to relax a little bit before I have to get in gear. I am sure you'll have loads of fun without me and if I have anything devastatingly interesting to report, I'll pop back in. Have a great long weekend for those of you who get it Hope you get lucky AND the bunny brings you chocolate Wahooooo cheerios bugzy I leave you with this ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There’s no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Some body parts should be floppy. Keep your paws off other people’s jellybeans. Good things come in small sugar-coated packages. The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. To show your true colors - you have to come out of your shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. Author Unknown |
| Rudolf Steiner was one of the most amazing men ever born in my opinion. He was brilliant. He was considered a genius and was the father of many amazing philosophies including bio-dynamic agriculture, the founder of Waldorf Schools and Anthroposophic medicine. I first was touched by this man philosophies when Dev attending Waldof School. Then later when I started going to an Anthroposophical Doctor. Then later again, I studied his theories on bio-dynamic farming. Quite simply he believed we are all connected ..."to guide the spiritual in the human being to the spiritual in the universe. I hadn't thought too much of him lately - then he came up in conversation today with a farmer, when we were planning a gardening workshop I am organizing. We were joking about organics and how Steiner had some strange philosophies involving stuffing deer bladders with things and hanging them from trees and circling around 3 times and other oddities. The farmer dude started telling me other theories of burying other strangeness and after 3 years being so fertile you'd have triplets just looking at the stuff... that freaked me out and I was very clear to farmer joe there will be NO more kiddies in MY life!! Anyway... yah so tonight, I ended up replanting the flowers I bought the other day into the newly repainted pots. And then decided to clean out all my garden beds and generally tidy up.I had more flowers to plant into containers but by that time it was starting to get dark. But I was on a roll so around 8:30 I found myself still out there digging away and planting anyway. The moon was bright, the water calm and glimmering and the clouds were misting over through the endless dark trees. Occasionally I would hear a rustle in the bushes over on the island, but other than that it was silent. I hadn't even realized how dark it had become until the clouds passed over the moon for a second and I stopped and looked up. For just that moment, time stood still. All the nonsense of my day and my life just disappeared. I stood up, cracked my poor back and just stopped everything. It was one of those magical moments where I felt like this spot in time was heaven on earth. I breathed long and slow. I raised my face toward the moon and felt completely reconnected. A gentle feeling of peace came over me. I felt reassured that there is indeed a spiritual connection between us, the earth and the universe. And all was right in my world. Just thought I'd share that moment with you all. bugzy ps it will be interesting to see what the garden looks like in the daylight.. I wonder how I did in the dark. |
| Yuppers, that to-do list is mutating as I write this. I have a couple going but I think I lost one, so that I guess no longer counts. I have way too much work, I have way too many articles, I got garden stuff and my veggie plants were supposed to be in on the 15th, and *sticks her head out* nope they are still in the packages. I have this and that and the other thing to do and what do I do instead? I paint two planter boxes and ummmm eat chocolate and blab on msn to who? Not telling *coughanyeacough* So let's see.. I must have done something today.....I ummm, rejigged an Ad for work and researched some crap, and ummmm chatted on the phone and ummmm showered and ummmm took Dev to work and ummmm got my brows waxed, ouch, and ummm had chai tea and ummmm read one of the mags i write for that two articles of mine and ummm went to the Womens Institute meeting and interviewed those gals and ummmm stepped in 3 puddles by accident then ummmm picked up dev, came home, yah painted planters and blabbed and that's it. What I didn't do ... laundry, dishes, clean the fridge, powerwash the dock, plant seeds, repot flowers, clean patio set, work on my new job proposal, bath Darla, and whatever else was on the list I lost. I am feeling a bit anxious. When I get too many things to do, I kinda shut down and then I don't get much done at all. Overwhelmed - that's how I am feeling. But that is also the time, when I find that I waste time too adding things to the list that shouldn't even be there... oh bother. This is a whine blog and it wasn't even supposed to be one. Hate when blogs just have a mind of their own. Okay well I am going to download the pics from the interview tonight, then crash. The list better not mutate more in the night. To close I better say something positive I suppose. I saw a bald eagle on the grass about 50 feet away. I saw ONE otter earlier today ... not sure where his friends are, Dev wrote an article for a local vegan newsletter and they asked her to right another one, I got three real letters in the mailbox today (those are like candy, so sweet and like a special treat) and ohhh my neighbour is going to lend me her little greenhouse cause she is going away and isn't going to need it! Yippeee, so once i get those little 26 packs of seeds planted they will not be strewn around my teeny house - they will have their own house.. that was very generous and made me happy today. okay enough nonsense... til tomorrow nite nite bugzy |
| Those who know me, know I don't like to shop never mind go to the mall. My ex husband was a shopping freak - his idea of a fun Saturday was to go shopping... me? I'd rather partake in a polar bear swim than go to a mall. So for me to spend 4 days there was torture. Never mind PJ was there as well. And it was boring as hell - so I passed the time of course... people watching. Here are some of my people and other observations from the days there (that are thankfully over now) * I have a strange fascination with watching really drunk people. I try not to be obvious, but I am so curious about them and why they are so loaded at noon and how they got that way, and why, and how come they come to the mall of all places. I seem weirdly curious as to their lifestyle and then of course very sad too. I find myself unable to stop looking over at them and resisting the urge to go buy them coffee. * Even at the 75% off tables, some crap just doesn't sell. * Hanging ducks by their necks around the ceiling somehow does not put me in the easter mood - neither does have large overstuffed bunnies and coloured eggs leaning up against huge majestic totem poles. * Young, very young girls having babies seems to be an epidemic in my town. * Young, very young children, no matter what, are damn cute. * Even at $2 up from 25 cents, the ole stand-by, mechanic horse is still a very huge draw. * People are generally bad dressers. Perhaps its just conducive to mall hanging, but man people for the most part sure looked sloppy. * Pants hanging below your butt cheeks is just not a good look for anyone ... ever. Well that was probably the extent of it. Glad it's over. I wont do any PJ bashing, or say how she was late and had the stuff, so I sat there for half an hour twiddling my thumbs. Because I really really tried hard to make chit chat and be polite. She is a very nice girl really. She knows 75% of the mall rats and they loved to come hang at our table and I heard more drama than I have seen in all my previous years of watching soaps. I heard about delinquent dads and paternity suits, of couple arguments, about a guy who couldn't take a program, because he was not on social assistance and couldn't get on social assistance because he had no ID, and one guy who got mad at his girlfriend because she wanted to pawn her cellphone for baby food. All quite eyeopening. And at one time, when one of PJs friends came by and forgot to bring baby food, PJ gave her $2 to go buy a banana. The gal didnt go to the grocery store though, she went to Walmart. After I saw her drinking a coke... sigh. I think PJ could have potential. She really has a sweet side to her. I need to remember that she has had no guidance or strong role models. I really wish that I could do something to work with her and bring up her work ethic. But it's not my place nor do I have the energy or inclination. But I will work at not saying mean things about her anymore. Like Dev said the other day to me, "Mom you don't like when I say mean things about Caitlan in school and you are doing the same things. It's not nice." Out of the mouths of babes eh? Hate when stuff I've preached comes back to bite me in the ass! Have a good Monday. I will - working from home cheerios bugzy |
| I go along merrily and then the smallest things can just get me right off track and into the pit of hell. How is that? Makes me nuts. I see it happening and I try to stop it, but it affects my whole demeanor. I am so transparent. When I am happy, you sure know it, and when I'm in the pits, you know it too. Anyway forget that nonsense - this will be short. More talk of shutting the door today and/or taking a hiatus this summer. My experience is that if organizations like this take a break they are doomed. So of course I told Andrew my thoughts on that. He was a pretty depressing entity today, so I didn't want to talk to him about my idea. But I did mention it to Amy. Long story short, although weird because if she stayed on, I would be her boss she was pretty much all for it. She wants a break and asked if she could have a job when she came back and I said in my most eloquent tone, "Don't be an idiot." I said I am a starter not a sustainer. I will get everything all fixed up and going full steam and when she comes back in two years she can have it all back... gladly. So I think she was seriously thinking that was not such a bad deal. So yah, I guess I know what I am doing this weekend. Putting a job description together, writing a proposal and looking for $. I am having a serious deja vu here..... oh brother. Have a good Friday all - thank god for those small mercies. cheers bugzy ps - thanks for all your encouraging comments yesterday |
| First let's get the work crap outta the way... work...grrr....blahblahblah, pj girl, grrr.. blahblahblah... work.. grrr.. blahblahblah... etcetcetc okay that's all done. Next.... Well this is work stuff too but of a different nature. When I have to make a decision (or think I have to because I have realized there are never any real decisions to be made - but that is another blog) I resort to the ole trusty pro/con list. I have used that for my relationships a lot.. usually the con list is fairly lengthy.. bleckk. Anyway I am thinking about my job and wondering what to do. My contract ends technically in July, maybe August. So that's fine. I am not worried about after that .. something will happen. But the gal I work for, Amy, has been talking/hinting/suggesting that I take on more. She wants to leave. She is young, still in her 20s (gawed) and has no interest in taking on a more senior role. She wants to travel and get out of our small town. She says she doesn't have the skill set to manage people (no guff) and get things really moving. My other boss, Andrew is only there 10 hours a week and has another fulltime job, he just has always been around and knows a lot of stuff and a lot of people but he is not into working at all. He likes to come in, sit down , talk and talk and go on and on and then go for coffee and talk and talk and think and plan but he is not a getter done kinda person. The main guy who started the company left in the summer and it has been sort of flailing ever since. There is a small board of directors, 3 or so active a few not so much. Andrew has talked about moving to a web-based company only - that won't fly and today they were actually talking about folding altogether and shutting the whole thing down. Which would be a shame because it has been building for 6 years now and really at time when things could start to roll. This place has a lot of potential. There is a lot of activity going on in the "Green World" - there is great support from local government, our member of council is very very supportive of what work we do, there is a lot of respect of the organization because of the previous guy and a lot of hype right now about Food Security, eating local etc. But there is no one right now who is willing or capable of taking charge... step in.... yah you guessed it.....me.... sigh. I always bloody well take over. This happens to me ALL the time. I am so not kidding. Every time I start something new, no matter how small, things happen and next thing you know I am running things. It's a curse I tell you. So here is the deal. I could step up right now and say okay folks I am willing to take on the role of Executive Director, I am willing to get the funding necessary for this to happen, I am willing to fire PJ (oops did I say that?) I mean hire other staff as needed and get this company moving and fulfilling its potential. I can do the work with my eyes closed, that is not the issue. I am sure they would all be sooo relieved because none of them want to do it, nor would they go to the bother of trying to recruit and hire someone and find the $. So yup, I'd make it super simple. But...the list is necessary because I have to ask myself, is this what I want to do really? Okay so here goes Lets start with Pros - always good 1 - More money. I can't live on what I make there now, so that is a given. 2 - Flexibility - I would run the show, so hours are not an issue. The office doesn't even have to be open, I can work around other deadlines and life stuff easily. Not so if I get another real job probably. 3 - Being the boss - I suck at being an employee, I am way too feisty and need to get things done. My hands are tied at every corner now - the last two days I wrote two articles, designed two ads, wrote two media releases and I can't get them to give me the go ahead on anything... grrr 4 - It's work I can feel passionate about. I believe in their vision and I would feel good at the end of the day, making a difference and all that crap. 5 - Dev could hang out there, Darla too for that matter. Its a casual environment and a good place to work , office wise, location etc. 6 - Kinda ties with number 4, but I am workaholic crazy person and throw myself into what ever I do. I used to think it was just banking that made me cuckoo, but I have been out for 6 years now, and I am not getting better at not being cuckoo. Recently admitted that it's just how I am, so better to be crazy workaholic over something that I feel good about rather than banking that killed my soul. 7 - I could write my own ticket, figure out my own salary, duties, focus, do what I want and hire others to do stuff I suck at. Okay on to the crappy cons. 1 - Pulls me away from writing fulltime. Well crap, it's been almost two years I have been slogging away at trying to get self sufficient and if I had two more years I could do it. I did get another writing gig today YIPEEE for an e-magazine and they pay well.!! so happy about that.. just need about 5 more of those. 2 - Is it the direction I want to head in my life. Don't know...this is tough. 3 - Will not be secure .. although have gotten used to that. It can be stressful constantly looking for funding. 4 - It's still a full time job which I don't want to do.. but that is sort of tied to the first two. Means no taking off or being able to work anywhere from my computer -which is what I really want - just in case the man of my dreams wants to whisk me away to live in Costa Rica 5 - It will be a lot of damn work 6 - I will have to work with a board of directors. Which can be fine, and they seem okay so far - but sometimes they can be a royal pain in the ass and stop you from moving ahead because of their fears and whining. 7 - I would have to quit IF I got the Library writing job in September or if the Providence book deal came back. Well those are too iffy to worry about 8 - I'd have to paint and clean the carpets and sort the office out for like a week it's such a damn mess.. makes me nutso! 9 - okay these are so lame. Yuppers - ok the list does its thing. So after tomorrow and Friday's torture days at the kiosk at the mall with PJ getting on my nerves, I will put together the proposal and look for some funding. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. But it hurts nothing to try. Gosh here I go again. Sometimes I make myself nuts. I really have to learn to stop thinking. I will be my own undoing I think. okay still got some work to do here .. thanks for going through that nonsense, I'll keep you posted nite nite bugzy |
| It's too late. I'm too tired. I am in a good mood but have nothing much to say. Worked and I am tired of talking about work - but that seems to be all that I do lately. So that is too boring to write about. Saw a rainbow today and it was so windy I actually almost fell over when I took a step and the house moved at the same time - that was pretty funny. And went canoeing... yup Dev's idea again - okay here's another funny ... she said, "Why did I never want to go canoeing last year? Why was I such a jerk?" I laughed so hard we almost tipped over. That was pretty much the highlight of my day - so there you go. Nite nite bugzy |
| It rained most of the day, but I didn't mind. I was happy to work from home today and even after only having a few hours sleep, I was up and attem fairly early (9ish okay). I just had a good day. Nothing earth shattering really. Just got a lot accomplished. Sent off the two articles with the pictures, so those are done. Now to get ready for the three due before April 5th. And I got another assignment for May, so that's all good. I wrote an article for work, a newsletter piece and designed an Ad for the paper. I set up a tracking spreadsheet and did other little odds and ends. It was a good balance of work, chatting, goofing off and spending time with Dev. Around 7pm (its nice that it's still light out) She yelled to go look outside and this is what we saw. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The pic doesn't really do it justice. The colours fade when I had to shrink it. The sky was a bright hazy orange and there was a low whispy cloud playing amongst the trees and the water was sheer as glass. I said that it would be a perfect time to head out in the canoe, and to my astonishment Dev said yes. I was thrilled so off we went for a quick paddle. It turned a bit cold, started to rain and soon got dark, but it was fun all the same. Dev wants to get those headlamps so we can paddle at nighttime!! This is a big switch - I have had to bribe her big time before to get her to go canoeing. The other day, when I got home from work, she had the canoe in the water all ready to go! I was so excited. Yup.. that's it. Just an all around good day. Nice to have those.Hope you had one too. cheers bugzy |
| Not much to blab about. I realized that I think I turned my brain off the past couple of days, so am having some trouble turning it back on. Which I need to do as I really have to work tonight before the week starts again. Didn't do much this weekend I don't think...can't remember. We went to the Seed Exchange and got all our veggie seeds for our garden. I am excited to get our plants started. Today I watched movies and didn't even get my tush moving til some late afternoon hour - then had a burst of energy and got my house all cleaned up, laundry done, dinner cooked and wrote a bunch of work emails. I'm excited that I get to do an article on Jeff Hyslop - he is an actor who played in Phathom of the Opera (my fav) that I saw 4 times. I am a bit nervous, I have never interviewed anyone famous before...so I am thinking I better do some research on him and prepare a little better than I normally do. The Publisher that I was working for who has been awol and owes me $ emailed me today. She said again she is sending the $ and is thinking about having me finish the last two textbooks as she agrees that they really need doing. So fingers crossed that a) she will pay and b) I get more work. Okay enough procrastinating - I really must finish an article tonight. This week coming up will be busy. I am going to try and get out of doing the kiosks on Thursday and Friday at the mall though. They were an utter waste of my time and energy, so I am going to look around for other events where we can attend instead... I was beside myself sitting there all day watching ...okay I won't say anything mean... but lets say mall rats are not my thing. Oh and I am seriously considering creating myself a new job at work. I am going to see if I can find some grant money and get myself another project there. If I am going to stay for awhile, which looks like I will, then I might as well try to hustle up some more money so I don't go nuts working for peanuts... hmm.. that is an odd sentence. Okay that must mean my brain is really in need of a kick start. Off to get some caffeine and get to work. Happy Monday all. cheers bugzy |
| Long day - not going into it. NOT going in to PJ showing up sooo late it was absolutely ridiculous and then lipping ME off. Thank GOD Dev was there to help me or I would have been pissed AND stressed. Nope not talking about any of that crap tonight. Tonight Dev and I went to a movie. It wasn't your regular hollywood crap movie - it was put on by the Citizens Coalition and they run fairly controversial, or political, or whatever you want to call them.. movies every Thursday except during the dead of winter cause the church uses the hall to run a homeless shelter. Anyway, we were and are feeling a little like we are getting colds, so to be honest after such a hectic day, we didn't feel like going but I dragged our butts over there. I really wanted her to see this movie. I'm way too whacked to go into great detail - but basically it was a film made depicting a blue jean factory in China. They profiled a couple of the gals that worked there (14 and 16) and what they went through. Horrific really. They make 6 cents an hour, live 12 to a room with teeny little beds with just a curtain between them and they share a toilet. They work 15-20 hours a day seven days a week. If they fall asleep or are late or dont make their quota they are fined - sometimes 2 or 3 day's pay. They go sometimes 3 months without a paycheck .. from which has been deducted the room and board. They get 3 meals a day - but the food is gross. One gal had never been away from her family ever and did not get her first paycheque (which was 2 months late) as they withhold the first cheque to make sure they don't leave without giving proper notice. She was the only one in her room who stayed behind at New Years as she had no money for her train ticket. There is no union, there is no fair labour practices. If buyers demand a lower price or they'll take their business elsewhere, the factory owners comply and the workers pay the price. If they don't the factory just shut down and they are all out of jobs. They don't get paid overtime, they don't get paid if they get sick, there are no benefits, they have to pay for hot water which they have to walk down to a room where they can fill up their buckets and carry it back up to their room, they cannot complain or strike or speak out or they will get fired. It's an eye opener. Everyone should watch more films like this.And question where you buy your blue jeans and start speaking out for fair trade. I don't get soap boxy too often but I just ask you, to ask yourself....Do I really need this stuff I am about to buy? And is all this consumerism we are lead to believe we cannot live without really worth it? Look at the label - if it's made in China, and you shop at Wallmart or Jordache or even Levis - chances are it was made by a young gal getting paid 6 cents an hour and working 15 to 20 hours a day, living a 2 day train ride away from her family who she MIGHT be able to visit every 2 years if she is lucky. Can you really buy it, knowing that? I can't. Something to think about bugzy |
| HAD to go back to the farm today to take new pictures (forgot to have my flash on .. duh) and to interview a second ole guy. I wasn't too keen as I thought I had enough info on sweet ole George, but he really wanted me to meet "Jim" so I went back... at tea and cookie time Well Jim was a delight. He is younger than George - a spunky 83 year old but he captured my heart as well. He is very hunched over from arthritis and is deaf as a doornail, but what a joy he is. He only goes to volunteer 3 times a week - and after that he goes to the Cowichan Lodge to help his wife Bunny eat her lunch. She is blind, is bedridden, and has Alzheimers. He said, "She doesn't know who I am, but she is still there, she is still my wife, I still love her, and I have to get into see her as much as I can." I almost couldn't continue the interview after that - luckily he just kept on talking. He couldn't really hear my questions anyway, so I just let him talk. It broke my heart to hear that. His smile filled his whole face when he talked about his life and why he comes to the farm. He said it's the reason he gets up in the morning. It keeps him alive and keeps him thinking. He only allowed himself one cookie, (I had three ) and only drinks the bottom half of a cup of tea ... but he had two cups He was an absolute joy to meet too and I am glad I went back.I'm going to end up with a good story I think. How lucky is that? I'm tired now but I have to say one more funny thing that happened today when I got to the farm. George met me and the first thing he said was, "I've been thinking you know." And I knew I was in trouble. Then he said, "You better not make a hero out of me!" I just laughed, and said don't you worry about that. Then he said, "I've been thinking about that book idea they've been talking about " uh oh I said to myself.. who is 'they' or was he just talking about me? "And I don't think Jack should write the book. It would only be a book about him and Jack's a great guy but I think you should work on the book together. He should tell you his stories and YOU should write it. I am going to talk to him about that." Well gawed... I wish I had a picture of my mouth hitting the floor. I immediately piped up and told George not to get me in trouble now - don't be going and telling Jack that I said anything about the book!!! But I could tell the wheels were churning and that guy was NOT going to listen to anything I had to say. Inside I was cracking up but pretty worried at the same time. Anyway, after I interviewed Jim and we walked back over to the workshed, who was there talking to George?? You guessed it.... JACK!! Oh lordy I would have paid ALOT of money to be a fly on the woodshed at that time I'll tell yah. I went right up to George to say good bye and made some jokes and Jim was cracking up making jokes and ole sour puss Jack was just standing there with his usual sourpuss face on.... and I bet he was right grrrrrrring at me! It was priceless. That just may very well be the last time I am allowed back there - but if George has his way - and I have a feeling he gets his way a lot... I might just be hanging there more. Ahhh good times. cheers bugzy ps ok ok ok.. when I get the article done, I'll post it - with a few pics of my two new bfs!!! |
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