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You have entered my blog. I take no responsibilty for your reaction. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** MY NEW CAR....WELL IF I HAD THE MONEY TO BUY ONE!!! Thanks Thea!!!! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
As much as I enjoy writing in my blog, it doesn't happen that often these days. Oh..I still have plenty to say, it just doesn't want to spill out sometimes. I find that I am two completely different people living in two different worlds....the one that people see and interact with, plus the one in my head. I am only a partial reflection of my true self for all others to see and it has taken me this long to realize and actually admit it. NO......not really in a bad way like being schizophrenic, but more in the fact that I think we are all two individuals that experience certain emotions within ourselves that are not protrayed for the world to see. Instead we adapt to the outside world ....some better than others. No boss can tell my inside person what to do...it does not have to listen I think that is why people are always searching for a soul mate as that is the person who is closest to the being on the inside ...the unknown part of us all. It sometimes feels like the inside me is conversing with the outside and I just sit back and listen to the conversation...kind of like an inocent bystander not wanting to take sides. Being a boss has some serious drawbacks and come to find out you can never please everyone.....there will always be one that feels stepped on and probably many more that feel that way inside but never voice their feelings. This happens because of the two people syndrome ...the one on the outside that reflects it's image to us is not being completely honest most of the time as inside they feel totally different. There are many people around us that try to tell us what to do and control our lives....but inside, we are the boss and even if we can't voice our views, we can seek solitude in knowing that no one is the Boss of us.... even if our body doesn't reflect it. |
| I used to think I knew where my life was heading and why I was…….. I can remember when I had this pinpoint direction in my life…… I had plans with options and excitement…… I knew things and had a handle on the divine direction……. The opportunities ahead of me were endless and intriguing…… There was so much time………… I couldn’t wait to jump in and mix it up with the trials of life……. Because I was smart, strong, full of energy…..totally unstoppable….. Now I feel like the excitement of the fall leaves blowing in all directions of the wind, simulating all the thoughts and options that were once available to me have been silenced by the first snow as the leaves are no longer flying around me ….. they are dormant and covered by the wet snow. A confusion begins to grow while I long for that feeling of security in knowing that I had a plan. I am not depressed, nor am I sad……I am just bewildered. I had a plan……. I did have a plan…….. What happened? Did you ever wish you could go back just to see if you could control your destiny a bit better? Was there a “one day” that changed your path forever or perhaps a conglomeration of little decisions that molded you into what all see today. I wonder if those decisions in my life are simulated by the vision of a pinball machine and all my actions were really just re-actions as the ball hit buzzers and bells, putting up points but with no real destination other than being pulled by gravity, the ball finally avoiding the flippers and dropping down the middle…thus ending the game. The game is waiting for me to put some quarters in the slot and pushing the start button……..I wish I had more quarters……. I wish I won a free game……I wish I knew my next step. When I run in the woods, I sometimes get off track and loose the trail for a short period, but I always seem to navigate my way and find the end……I then pack up and head home…..maybe that is what life is….a trail run and even though one might veer off the trail, we still will end up where we belong. I guess I am merely looking for that familiar trail. |
| I actually wrote this to a friend but thought I might see what kind of response I would get here. I have been thinking about destiny and free will. I think certain points of our life is pre-destined, other parts are destined for us. I think that once one of these senarios happens, we have the free will to make choices so the outcome is not predetermined and our choice at that point can lead to many different paths. It seems that if we stray too far, there is a force that tries to guide us back on the right course. The guiding may not be subtle as we can be pigheaded at times. It seems that perhaps my accident was something like that. A massive kick in the butt to straighten myself out.This is where I am having problems with the whole idea.....I have no clue to what the proper path is, I don't know where I was heading before and also not since......so how is this guiding me? To learn lessons, we have to know and understand where we went wrong, it brings everything into perspective. I feel that I am living in a fog and I can't focus on the important things I must do......but I can't see them. It is so frustrating and just does not make sense. I am ready and willing to do the right thing .....I get that and know I must.....but I can't clear this fog and feel I could be totally wasting my time going in the wrong direction. A friend said I should just sit back and things will come to me....believe unconditionally, but I am not like that. I am analytical and things have to jive in my mind. I can't turn left because someone says I should, I need some rational reason to believe the proper course is left. Perhaps the things I thought were a strong point in me are really the week points. Could it be that my rationalization and analytical thinking is wrong? My pride and willingness to be there for others is not the path for me? I am very empathetic but not very sympathetic, I always thought that was a good trait, but maybe I was wrong? On top of all that, it could be that my brain fabricates and sees these things in this way but in truth I am something different, something I don't realize consciously or understand. My point is simple, on American Idol many people who try out really think they are great singers.....they are truely crushed and usually don't believe it when they are told they suck. In their mind they can hear fantastic notes coming from their mouth, they are fooled by their own brains...... Perhaps I am being fooled. |
| I wrote this long drawn out blog this morning....it was a huge insight into my self, a breakthrough in a way......then I hit the wrong button and it was gone.....like a smoke ring the defined circle only lasts for a few seconds then it is up to your memory to enjoy the experience....it was there for a second and now it is gone, I can not recreate it.....all of you will never know. I guess it wasn't meant to be..was it? |
| It's funny, When I have basically nothing to say, I can write useless junk for hours, about every subject imaginable. It sounds like I have a lot on my mind, but I just have rambling thoughts like a babbling stream simply heading for the ocean and pulling along what ever items are light enough and dumping them at the delta. When I have deep thoughts and feelings, they will not come out and do not apear on the screen. Why do you suppose that is? Perhaps when it has little meaning I have nothing to lose thus nothing to worry about. When there is a greater meaning and I am not sure of my true position.....well I guess I don't venture out on that limb much. To the person reading, I protray a certain image though that image is only a hint of the true me. What seems like a contolled calm on the outside is really a turmoil of mixed emotions ...... no exact thought or direction, not something words can describe, not something I can clearly vision..... I am not sure what the true me is.....................................................................................................................perhaps all humans are like this. |
| I should be happy today but I am not........ever had that morning when nothing is really wrong and when you try to think of why you feel bad, nothings specific comes to mind? Yes there are things happening in my life that bother me.....things that could be much better, but not horrible, not out out the ordinary for a normal human living on this earth and trying to survive. So...what is up? Why do I feel like this day will never end and there is nothing to look forward too? There are many people much worse off than me. People with outrages problems that I can hardly fathom....they have the right to feel this way, but I do not. Emotions are great when they come bubbling out with a smiling enthusiasm, when everything is right as rain and you can not find a single reason not to laugh......but when the opposite comes....who the hell wants that? I know it is relative and to apprciate the good times we have to have some bad to gauge them against.....but not today.....why today? Perhaps I am just tired, perhaps the stupid world around me with all the uproar is just dragging me down. Perhaps in a time when the President can stand up in front of the world and call peaople liers, call people jackasses ....he can use his God givin right to say what is on his mind....but the rest of us are not allowed to say our piece........someone calls him a lier and they are reprimanded and required to appologize, not because he isn't a lier but because he has the ultimate power and the people have no say.....yes he deserves respect...but he has to give respect to earn it...perhaps this is a time when it is hard to be happy. |
| I guess I do want to go back in time.....I have struggled with this thought so many times and keep trying to convince myself that I am happy with what I have become and can live with all those past decisions....honestly, the ghosts still haunt me no matter what I tell myself (and everyone else). If I was miraculously given the chance, I think I would take it. Sure I would hate to think certain things would never come to pass....like my children, but not neccessarily ..right?...who is to say that the altered couse would not still lead me to this point but with only subtle changes? You see, I missed a lot of my childhood.....forced much too early to grow up. At the time I wanted to grow up, I didn't realize what I would feel now. I could have taken different paths, it was my choice...not anyone elses. The bigger question is, would I be better off remembering what I know now or having no memory? I suspect if I had no memory I would end up making the same stupid choices...so what's the gain? On the other hand if I retained my current memory, I would surely have an unfair advatage and also would miss alot of the silly experiences that come about because a person is nieve. Also missing out on the feeling of excitement when experiencing something for the first time. Doesn't it suck when there is no right answer? Every decision and circumstance is not without a down side. We are forced to settle, to take the bad with the good. Even with medications, there is always a side affect that causes us to re-consider wether we take the medication or not. I don't take any medcations and even if a doctor told me to, I would probably resist it. Though I did have surgery a two weeks ago and did take penicillen ...... so I guess I am lying when I say I won't take meds...... Perhaps I am making this too complicated, when I was young, I had my whole life in front of me....it was exciting and I felt I would have all these wonderful oppourtunities to do and experience great things, it was endless......now I have most of my life behind me and I feel I didn't take advantage of my oppourtunities I didn't cherish my experiences and now that is gone. I have no serious problems so is it fair for me to complain with so many people struggling today? What right do I have to wish for something different and for all I know, even if I got it, I would probably still not be thrilled with myself. I should remember the phrase...Be Careful What You Wish For!! Because I just might get it...reminds me of the movie Big with Tom Hanks. |
That song was in my head this morning when I woke up. It reminded me of how I felt when I watched the movie ...years,years and years ago. It made me think about how events of our past bring emotions to our present. I like the feeling I get from remembering that song. I learned important messages back then about the value of my family and friends. (ther's no place like home) Just like the old movies about Christmas (christmas on 34th street and such) or movies about camardarie where people cared about others and went above and beyond to be sure they did the right thing and protected people....all without using foul language. I realized how this upbringing helped me be the person I am today as it taught me lessons about life......In the movie stand by me, the boys took a day trip, they had no cell phones and didn't require the parents to give them a ride somewhere. They did fool around a bit but there was no drinking or drugs and they really cared about each other. It was a life adventure. So what kind of messages are our kids getting today? What song will stick in their head when they are 50? What lessons today will form their inner core values of tomorrow? |
| I know you have all heard this before but what did come first......the chicken or the egg? It is a huge question and if we knew the answer to it, we would have the key to answering all our questions about life and God and what there was before the beginning. It drives me nuts when I try to wrap my brain around infinity......the galaxy goes on forever.....forever...I just can't comprehend it. In human life we evolve around before and after.....our whole state of being depends on time. We relate everything to past and present...it is how we survive. Even little things like desert AFTER the meal, then sit and relax BEFORE bed time. BEFORE daylight, AFTER dust. So there had to have been something before life as we know it and there has to be something after death as we know it....it makes sense in those terms.......but that means there is ALWAYS something after, so it never ends......that I can't begin to understand....how far away is eternity? So...if it never ends and it has been going on forever........how do we generate meaning with our short little life span. In relative terms 60-100 years of life as we know it is such a tiny part of forever, how can we generate value unless we only look at it in a short sighted way? SO...before eternity and after forever, lays our life on earth. I guess it should be viewed as a tiny adventure, something we will talk about when sitting around the eternity table discussing ..........what?......current events? |
It's friday morning and it's raining. Actually it seems normal to me as we have had so much continuous rain this year. I took Wednesday off from running and just swam some laps. This old body was pretty tired from the track workout and the last thing I want is an injury. Thursday, I wanted to run an easy 4 miler with the Mrs. as it would be a perfect easy run for recovery. Well it threatened of rain (though it didn't) so the mrs just didn't feel like running. It's OK because she has been doing so well. Funny thing though, I could have gone without her but honestly I was feeling tight and tired. I think subconciously I jumped at any excuse to just veg on the couch. I am doing a long trail run this weekend so I suppose not running a few nights in a row won't affect me that much. I have been thinking about the hard workouts like track, if I put in so much effort that I feel like taking numerous days off after, am I gaining or losing in the long run? As hard as it was, as much effort as I put in, I still had fun and felt satisfied. Surely it would be viewed as a combination long run with the distance of 9.9 miles I put in. It seems that after a "hard/long" a rest would be expected. Yet....something inside is nagging me about the time off, yeah I know it is only a few days but I feel a bit guilty, like I will be sorry as my performance will suffer in my next race. I know that is not true in the common sense part of my mind. I know a few days will not make or break a runner. Somewhere deep inside this weird mind though there is a voice and it is saying, "you need to run more, harder, longer, or you will never meet your goals....stick to your plan" Whait a minute! What plan? Honestly my plan was training for the 50k, I didn't really devise a plan for after, for the rest of the summer. Sure I signed up for some important races and I kept training.......but a plan?...no. The analytical part of my brain, which by the way seems to take over my life most of the time, suddenly realized that I had failed. I did not think about my goals, my reason for training, my need to feel good about my progress......I have been running without a plan. It brings this cartoon image in my head of a bunch of small people dressed in very colorful atire, running around, waving their arms and chanting, " A PLAN!...A PLAN!...HE HASN'T GOT A PLAN!...OH ME, OH MY, HOW WILL HE GET BY!! Do I really need to have a plan? At what point does a persons actions become fanatical and who decides what fits into that catagory? If I run because I enjoy it, it's a hobby. If I train and conciously plan for performance gains, it's a sport. If I begin to plan my running to intertwine with my life I am a serious runner. If I wrap my life around my running I guess that is finatical. I find myself wondering, when did I cross that line? What day was it that I became a finatic? Do you think this is how drug addicts feel? They ramble through life enjoying their recrational drug use then suddenly one day they wake up and realize they are addicted. Their whole life now evolves around getting that drug....thinking only of the next fix. I suddenly realize it is true, people don't ask me, "are you running this week?" they say "what are you running this week?" They know I am running, that is a given. I don't wake up in the morning thinking, hey maybe I will run a race this weekend or maybe I'll train for a race next month. No.....I worry about the runs I will miss and the things that will get in the way of running. I try to continuously work my schedule around running. I get discouraged when things interfere and I have temper tantrums when I miss a workout or a race. I think to myself that I can stop if I want and somedays I really want to......but I don't....I can't. I realize that I NEED to PR that next race, I NEED to run that longer distance, I WANT to climb that huge hill. In writing this entry, I find I do have a plan after all. My plan is to run when ever I can, to get out there and enjoy nature while at the same time leaving the worries of everyday life behind..... even if it is only for an hour or so. I guess that is not such a bad plan...is it? -- |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 