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| What is it about our bodies that changes from day to day? One morning you wake up from a normal nights sleep and the day before you seems new and exciting. You are anxious to get started and enjoy the day. Then there are those morning that the weight of the world is massive and you wonder how you will make it through the day. Is it physical or mental? Are there specific chemicals that are released? Wouldn't it be nice to single out the reason for those differences and create a "happy drink" so we can have as many good mornings as we want? It is possible that part of it is mental..... doesn't it seem that when we meet people, if they are happy and smiling we somehow feel a little bit better but if they are pissed or in a bad mood that rubs off on us some too? I wonder if each one of us singled out something that made us quite happy.....say a funny song or a cute quote, if we had that beside our bed and gave ourselves a good dose of it before we greeted the day...I just wonder how much better we would feel for the rest of the day? I am sure that would probably not work for everyone as I know there are some that not only require but cherish the right to be a grump for at least the first hour of the day....perhaps it is their way of protesting the fact that someone MADE them get up in the first place. I keep thinking about the phrase he/she got up on the wrong side of the bed , I think I can understand that. When we sleep, there are different levels, some lighter and some deeper. One, called REM (rapid eye movement) they say is a deep restful sleep. It seems that depending on what level of sleep you are in when you wake up or are woken up, might rule the mood you are in. It makes sense as I know sometimes when I wake up for work, I know I was deep in sleep and it takes a bit to get the groginess out. whereas other times I can roll and rock......by that I mean roll right out of bed and be ready for the day. If we could monitor these different sleep moods and find a way to make sure we are in the right mode when we wake up, perhaps we then could adjust the time we go to bed, wake up or both to be sure we woke up happy...... I wonder............ |
| What is it about this coffee shop? As I grab the door handle and peer inside, it seems to have its own life, like it is totally separate from the rest of the world. The odd scraping noise of the door rubbing on the floor as I open it brings looks from many of the patrons. They seem to size me up instantly, most with disturbing looks on their faces. Can’t they mind their own business? Shouldn’t they be worrying about their own lives? There is total silence which creates an extremely awkward moment. Perhaps I should just yell out my personal thoughts and dreams, tell them of my private agenda before their piercing eyes suck my hidden thoughts dry. A smell overpowers me, I can’t place it, oddly attractive yet disturbing too. Definitely not the normal burnt stale coffee and bacon aroma I associate with most breakfast diners. A large man in the corner booth drops his fork onto the table and stands up. His hair is long and unkempt. His face shows the wear and tear of many tough years. Almost bum like yet a domineering stature as if he owned this place and the people in it, even me. My first thought is to ignore this burly man and slip into a booth. I scan the room and my eye catches an empty table near the restroom sign. It seems to take forever as I hurry toward it. The world slows down and I can’t get my legs to move fast enough. It takes all of my strength to push each foot forward. I feel as if some giant force is holding me back like it was trying to save me. I notice hair flailing as the man advances. His mouth is moving, garbled words reach my ears but it makes no sense. He seems mad, his face is red and his forehead is crinkled up as if he can’t get his anger out fast enough. The cook drops his apron but doesn’t take his eyes off me and a small attractive waitress trips over a chair dropping a plate of food. The look on her face was not of surprise so much as sad and sympathetic. Her eyes tell me to get out, turn and run as fast as I can! My body is tingling all over, my hands are shaking and I feel dizzy. Seconds feel like minutes and I fear I am not going to make it to the table. My brain screams unknown words as the table seems so far away. My feet feel like lead weights and I can’t catch my own breath. The whole world seems in slow motion as my brain registers individual snapshots like a projector show of somebody’s vacation. Each second is a separate picture in my mind. I can even hear the clicks as the projector moves to the next slide. CLICK.....a woman sitting at a table with four other people, her plump face distorted by the magnitude of food in her mouth. So much that there are pieces hanging out. CLICK.......a child, a young girl with curly brown hair, coloring on the place mat with a red crayon as she sips on her straw. CLICK..........An old white haired man, hunched over his plate as if his head is too heavy for his old decrepit back to support. His wife's face wrinkled and worn but with soft understanding eyes. CLICK..... the table still littered with crumbs and debris from the last occupant, appears enclosed in a long tunnel and it still seems miles away. The air feels so thick that I have to spread it to labor forward almost like running underwater. CLICK ..... the angry man's body seems suspended in mid air with his arms extending toward me and his mouth dripping gobs of spit. “Please let me make it!” I yell at a whisper, “I just need to get to that table then I will be alright, everything will be OK.” |
| Introspective.......an increasing thought in my head lately. I loathe yet embrace the continual questions that form in my head. When did life become so unsuring....if that is a real word. I am sure it is not, but it seems to fit my mood and feeling today. It is increasingly apearant that I can not express myself clearly in the last few months. I try to spill my emotions and thoughts here but it apears garbled and not explicate. What happened to my capable writing? I feel the creativity has vanished but not in a poof so much as a slow continual fade. I, again am wondering what it is that keeps me here. I do not write new stories, I have very few thoughts of real consequence drifting around my brain to blog, instead I have questions about my life, my direction, my reason I guess. The world around me has left me behind it seems. Hustle and bustle continues and people apear to have cause and direction.....by I do not. Even on this site, my friends are drifting and self involved. They are not receiving the support they need here and are becoming less visual. I guess a rainbow is a miracle and we all wish we were finally reaching the end. I fear there is no real end and our dreams are merely a carrot ......we think we are close, it is surely within our reach.....finally we think....but it is not to be as the end of our reach at the very fingertips is nothing .......nothing we can touch or feel. Did I say we? I suppose that is not correct as I can't speak for others.... I mean me....yes I am just talking about me. It must be the philosopher in me as I tend to lump my thoughts into large groups as a way to not take true ownership. I suppose I don't want that ownership or responsibility. I am anylitical and I want to be able to say this for certain and that for certain, but I can't and it drives me crazy. I don't want to ask questions anymore, I want to state solid true answers. Yes there are UFOs ... of course other beings are out there.....how nieve we are to think optherwise. Yes I am here for a reason as is everyone else. Sure I know exactly what the reason is. Sure it makes total sense.....I get it don't you? Oh, of course I know why people have to suffer ....they will realize some day, it is a huge puzzle that will surely make sense some day....just as soon as we put in the last piece. You see, I have nothing....no answers....no wisdom ......just a vacuum of un ending questions about a world that is so un forgiving and mean to so many. It better be a good reason or I plan on kicking someone's butt when I leave this world. Someone is in for a huge butt kicking. In the mean time I have to figure out what is going on in my life....am I at WDC for any reason other than wishful thinking. Is it true that I really want recognition to convince me that my words and thoughts are important? Suddenly to be thrown into the mix of successful authors and be able to stand a little taller than others.....to feel superior and have people praise my wonderful and amazing capabilities? Is it really any different than my childhood fantasies of being a secret super hero.....being stronger, faster, smarter ......superior to normal earthlings. I wanted to be special and I wanted to help people in need. I didn't mind being a Clark Kent as long as I knew I was better and that I wasn't the dub people saw before them. I wanted an alien to snatch me. I wanted that experience so I would know the truth and I could stand on that pedestal. I suddenly am no longer a young lad thinking and wishing about my future while knowing great things would happen.....I am grown up and wondering how I caused myself to take this very step, the last spot I planted my foot. where is it going and probably more important, where am I coming from? The future no longer seeems open, vast and amazing. opourtunities have dwindled and the prospect of doing something real important is fading. Slipping away as the years fall to the way side. I guess I am on the downhill slide and instead of waiting for the wonderment of what is around the next corner, I am instead trying to control the slide as the trip down the the mountain is unpredictable and seemingly out of my control. I hope you don't take this as a rant or feeling that I am depressed or giving up.....quite the contrary, I think I am just finally being honest with myself and waking up to the real essense of my journey. I know I am on a track to somewhere and perhaps it is time to stop, open my eyes and realize what the hell is really going on....there is no more room for fantasies.......time to grow up I guess... My membership here is up on March 15th .....I do not know what I am going to do, but it could very well be my last day here. I need change and I feel I have to start taking ownership of my life and the direction it is going. I don't know if I am wasting my time here.....I came in the first place to spill my stories to an audience of real writers, to see if I had any tallent......I found out that most people here were in the same boat and that we were all real writers in one sense or another.....I am not writng now, so why am I still here....I guess I have to figure that out. |
| I am "all over" the thought of the weekend. It has been a long week and I spent most of it thinking and waiting for the weekend to come. I have absolutely nothing planned.....nope not a thing. I just want a break and the time to do whatever or perhaps nothing at all. I am reading a new book and it is so far from what I normally enjoy. I thought for sure I would have to push myself to read it.....but I like it. It is about science and the wonder of our existance. It is amazing to see how difficult it is just for us to be here on this earth in this place and time. This book told me something right off.....if we were to look into the sky and pick out a star (that is really a sun) it is entirely possible that 680 years ago that star blew up and we don't even know it. Thats right is takes that long for light to travel the distance it takes for us to see it. The means if some alien was sitting on their planet, it was somewhere on the other side of our galaxcy and they had a telescope strong enough to see us, they would be seeing our world in midevel times. They would have no idea how advanced we are today.....if they decided to learn our language so they could come here and communicate with us, they would show up speaking Shakespere.........isn't that weird to think about? We could send a message to them and invite them by for supper or something and they wouldn't get it for thousands of years. I suppose we would have to pass a message down through generations that these being might show up for supper some night.....Of course we wouldn't know they were coming as it would take so long for their answer to reach us!!! All right my mind is going crazy with this stuff....and it's true. |
| Rhubarb stocks appear un-inviting and not consumable in any way yet someone had the thought to pick one take a taste and even though it seemed too bitter to enjoy, they chopped it up and cooked it into a pie.Using the same example there are berries on some bushes that are very deadly even though they look as delicious as the ones we eat and enjoy. It seems our world is full of things that don't reflect their true nature ... looks can be so decieving. We all have a certain aura that shows our real inner nature. Only very few can see or feel it. Why are we so translucent? So many of us have honed a certain procedure where we decieve those around us and practice a hidden agenda. Our religious leaders claim that bible readings show us the deceit derived from back at the beginning when Cain (the son of not Adam but (Lilith and Eve)...there is some dispute) killed his own brother Abel (son of Adam and Eve). He then tried to hide it from God and was banashed to live forever with his deed. If you read back through interpetations, there are many many variations as if the deciept is even in the writings themselves. It seems it is a part of us that we have learned to nurture with out realizing it. Why are we allowed to be this way? What possible purpose is gained? Some say it is a lesson we must learn. Can that be true? I do not know a soul who has mastered honest unconditional truth. It appears impossible and in realism, how could a person never lie with out hurting others? "Do you like my new dress?" "Honestly it looks like a potatoe sack on you." Do they really want you to be honest or do they want you to support their decision? I guess I bring this subject up because sometimes I grow tired of trying to figure out where people stand in my life.........do they like my (dress) or are they just being nice? (of course I don't wear dresses....just showing a point here) I sometimes wish I knew the truth about people around me and how they really feel. Perhaps I can't handle the truth as I may not like the real answers. Everything around us (including the bible itself) is a mixture of someone's interpetation. How do we know they are seeing it right or possibly telling us what they think we should hear to support their own agenda. Don't you think it would be much easier if the Bible were completely black and white.....no question as to the route we must travel? Instead there are hundreds of different interpetations. Who is right? Why was rhubarb designed to look bad if it tasted good and is good for you? Why was the forbidden fruit allowed to grow on a tree and it looked just like the good fruit? If we are put here to learn and we are allowed to make bad choices, then wouldn't this be a reflection of Hell as so many horrible things are allowed to happen so many good people. At the same time we are given mixed signals. The mixed signals bring us to many wrong conclusions and decisions that would be much easier to make if we only knew the true path right from the start. I'm not trying to go religious on you, just trying to point out the relevance of it all dates back to the beginning of our time. If we have not learned or mastered our own destiny in thousands of years then what is our real purpose for being here? It seems we are either very slow learners or are secretely happy with our evolvement. It seems we are not allowed to remember our past lives because we probably could not handle the shock to our systems of the things we may have done. How would you feel if you could remember horrible things from hundreds of years ago. I think it might drive us insane .........unless we are already insane and have no real knowledge of who we are and what we are doing here....just rambling through our mind created world not knowing that we are really alone. Perhaps someday we will know the answers to the universe and this crazy world will somehow makes sense...Maybe. |
Have you felt lately that you have let certain controlled areas of your life slip? It seems not long ago I had a clear image of who I was and where I was going. Through life I have used that image to steer myself toward my percieved goal. It seemed fairly easy as I remember thinking about it. Today I have new thoughts as I look back and realize I have not steered all that well. I know I thought so at the time, but in overview I see that my focus kept changing as events happened. In that change of focus, my ultimate goal changed to adapt instead of adapting my surroundings to support my goal. Does that make sense to anyone? Somehow, I have discounted the goals I thought I wanted as events around me changed the way I felt inside. In essense, I really did not know where I wanted to go and instead have been meandering through life while convincing myself I knew what I was doing. In overview, I did not know and this moment, today, I am awakened to the very thought that I am rambling through life. I thought my minds eye had vision and was secretly controlling my destiny. It was not as I didn't have the internal control or power to allow it. Perhaps this is the first step to stopping the reckless abandon behavior and taking control. I am not sure how to accomplish it but I guess knowing is the first step. I know I have not walked a strait path. How could I with out direction. I had no compass and no vision only the dilusion of a clear path. I suppose it is similar to a person getting lost in the woods. They travel what they think is a strait path toward civilization. They walk and walk as their mind tells them they are walking strait. As it turns out, they are merely walking in circles and they don't realize it until it is too late. They become confused as time goes on because they have lost their internal equlibrium. their senses then become clouded and they start making decisons based on partial truths. their clouded vision is further distorted and chances are they do not make it out of the woods with out help. I feel that way right now. My vision is clouded and it has been for some time. I feel I need to stop for a bit and try to clear my head. Find out where I am first, decide on a direct goal and then start heading in that direction. I need my mind's eye to become stronger as it is my guide I think as it cannot be swayed by daily events, it is my compass. I think I had that clearity once. I can not remember when I lost it and started walking in circles.....I just can't remember but I fear it was a long time ago. |
Have you ever come to a conclusion about yourself that was so obvious yet no one including yourself ever really acknowleged it? It doesn't seem possible that it could happen. How could something be so prominent yet hidden? Well, I realized yesterday I have an obsession of sorts. It is with strawberries. Yes that's right. I never knew it and no one else noticed it either. Sure it was appearant that I liked them but not to the extent of obsessiveness. I am sure most people don't turn down the occasional chocolate covered strawberry and you find them in quite a few everday products. When does it become an obsession? I have never turned down a piece of strawberry pie, though it is not a common one at gatherings. Why is that? Why don't people make them? They always make apple and blueberry and cherry ....even pumpkin, but not Strawberry. Anyway, I stared thinking yesterday as I put strawberry chapstick on my lips. The smell was uplifting, I actually did it twice to get a whiff of that aroma again. It dawned on me that I love that smell. So, I started taking stock in my strawberry needs. I have strawberry air fresheners in my pickup and my company truck. I have strawberry chapstick. I constantly search the stores for the drakes strawberry pies that come out for only a short time during the year. I eat Kelloggs cornflakes with strawberries. If I see them on display at the store I have to buy some. I hate rubarb but will eat any strawberry/ rubarb pie that crosses my path. I will eat anything with strawberry in it. When running if I come across a strawberry patch, I have to stop and just suck in that smell. I can't just run by it. Of course I love chocolate covered strawberries. I love that strawberries and cream breakfast dessert at IHOP. I have never said no to a strwberry and always have room left to eat one. I buy a suppliment for the muscles when running long distances and yup ....I get the strawberry flavored one. What is so weird about this is that I never noticed before. If my wife decides to make me a special pie, she will cook up a nice apple one for me. I do like apple and she seems to think it is my favorite. But it isn't, If there were an apple and strawberry side by side I would always pick the strawberry one. So why hasn't she made me a strawberry pie before? I mean absolutely never has she made or bought me a strawberry pie. I am drooling for strawberry right now, I think I will go sit in my truck for a while...... |
| I was dreaming last night and it really was a mess. A person was giving me a bad time and for the life of me, I could not understand why. That is not actually what I wanted to talk about though. It is more what this dream lead up to. After the dream I woke up (from the dream, not from sleeping) during the awakening a name came to me: Paul Godfrey.....I know I spelled it right because I actually saw it written down. Then I kept hearing it over and over as if someone was worried that I would forget it. Along with the name, I kept thinking 3......like in time...3 days/months/years....something like that. I have no idea what this name means and (while still sleeping) I grabbed a piece of paper and with one hand and very quickly, I drew a picture of his face. I was actually quite suprised as I can't draw at all and it came out pretty clear and extremely well drawn. The guy looked kind of like Barry Manallow (sp?) but his nose was bigger and more drawn out. He has bushy hair in the front and a blank look ....like no emotion what so ever. Then I woke up suddenly and sat up in bed. this whole thing was in my memory and so clear. I laid back down and went back to sleep, but woke up numerous times after that thinking his name. It is stuck in my head now but I have no idea what it means. By that I mean that when I think or say the name, it creates no internal emotion like fear or happiness or sadness. I guess the only reason I wrote about it is to confirm if it turns out to mean something. Perhaps I was supposed to write it here becasue it may mean something to someone else reading? Also it was so prominent to me as I woke up. I just can't seem to let it go right now. Go figure huh? I get random info that seemingly has come to me for a reason but I have no idea what to do about it. Hmmnn....Paul Godfrey...... |
| I know, I am not supposed to be here writing a blog on Saturday. For those of you who's equilibrium is thrown off by this bizzar event, I am sorry. You know it is not that I don't work on Saturdays as I do quite often, it is more that I don't usually start up the computor as I am busy with other things....anyway here I am and I don't know if I even have anything to say. You see, I never sit down with a plan to write something. I either read something or hear something on the radio or experience something then bango...it comes out of my (two) fingertips. That's right, though it may seem strange to most of you, I do not type like a normal key punch person. No I was never versed in key punch nor taught what to do. It seems my brain is only capable of working two fingers at once. I usually use the two middle ones (perhaps to keep them tuned up for when I need them).....hey who want's un prepared fingers when disaster strikes? Or worse some A-hole pulls out in front of you then drives 2 miles an hour. Yeah....they do that here, I guess they are in a hurry to piss you off! Isupopse you might slow them down if they wait for you to go by first!!!??? I do have a couple other uses for the middle fingers but perhaps I needn't discuss that now as the red blushes would distract me from getting this done.......Ok, I instruct you to disreguard the last remark as it may shed an undesireable light on your image of sweet ole me........No........it's not what you think, I use the index finger for that!!! Crazy what you people think when not toned down by the visionary police...shame on you! OK......I have been gone for about 15 minutes. I am such a pig! That's right, you see I stopped at Dunkin Donuts this morning and picked up a sausage egg and cheese sandwich and some of those hash browns. (the ones they hire dragons to heat up with their breath) . I sat down with a cup of decalf and chowed away with a fairly large happy face. The teeth bridges hurt a bit but I didn't care as I was pretty hungry.....well my boss shows up and brought me a pancake breakfast with sausage.......OK...i'm actually pretty full but I hate to make a person feel their thoughfulness was for not, so I ate the damn thing.....seriuously I think I weigh 10 pounds more and I felt a slight waddle in my walk as I headed back to my office......I feel so ashamed..but the belly say's uhuh! I think it likes to be full and content. Oh....so I use these two fingers and I am sure they appreciate the work as they are quite dormant most of the time. Occasionally I will give my index and pinky a couple letters to punch but they usually can't get it right and mess the whole thing up. I just yell at them and kick their sorry butt back to being bench sitters. The most useful key to me is the backspace. I use that for corrections and it is like a dance.....two steps foprward, one step back, three steps forward four steps back and so on.....sucks when you make so many mistakes. So, I don't really have anything useful to say this morning, I just stopped in to check the email and warm up the fingers............................... |
| Maybe this relates or maybe it doesn't, but last night around midnight some thieves broke in to the place My middle son works and stole a whole bunch of stuff including his toolbox full of his tools. Now he has nothing to perform his job. The cops did find the guys who broke in but have not recovered the tools yet. His is providing them with a list and I am getting him some replacements for now while he waits for the cops to hopefully find his. Luckily I have a lot of spare tools as purchasing replacements would be very expensive...... most of these I bought for him in the first place. Pretty crazy HUH? |
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But, honestly, I take the good with the bad, even when it is really bad. Emotions are a huge, huge part of who we are and sometimes holding them back doesn't allow us to truly experience life.
I don't really know what it takes to be a writer but heck, I like to do it and it seems the more I write the more I like what I write. That, I think is the most important thing about being a writer. 